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Husband Never Wants Sex, Prefers To Masturbate. I'm Lonely...

Question:

After my husband and I became engaged he shared with me that he likes BDSM-type behavior. It is not my thing but I decided to be a good partner/lover and give it a go, figuring we could do some of what he likes and some of what I like, taking turns and such. It worked for a while. Then, we decided to try to have a baby…it wasn’t easy and we were never successful.

However, our sex life took a hit and I stopped being pushy about foreplay during ovulation time. Sometimes he loses his erection if foreplay goes on a while. Then, he got one of those fetish hoods. I allowed it on occasion because he liked it so much. He says it helps him relax because it blocks out sights and sounds around him (no distractions). Then, he started wanting to wear it more and more, and now, almost daily, his preference is to put on the hood and lock himself in the closet and leave me a key. He masturbates and will be in there for hours. Just because I bring him the key doesn’t mean he’s coming right out.

Fast forward to now. I’m lonely and frustrated. I haven’t been kissed, REALLY kissed, in a few years at least. There is zero foreplay and he NEVER initiates sex. He almost always wants to go sit in the closet with his hood on before sex, to grow his erection, I suppose. There’s no eye contact, no touching, nothing.

I have found myself wanting to stray. I love him, so much…but I feel unwanted and undesired. Just as a side, he also has social issues, too. He’s very uncomfortable in crowds and meeting new people. Social anxiety, I guess you’d say. He refuses counseling and I just feel stuck. Stuck and lonely.

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Answer:

Judging from your description your husband has some serious sexual and relationship problems. Sexuality between a married couple is an important part of intimately relating. Your husband keeps himself in a closet mastubating and trying to get an erection. It is no wonder that you feel lonely. In the closet he locks you out. The lack of foreplay and kissing serves to make you feel more lonely. This is not the way a married couple is supposed to relate to one another. Sexual relations are a shared and mutual way for couples to show their love and reinforce their commitment to one another.

Part of the role and importance of foreplay is to husband and wife to increase and intensify their sexual feelings prior to sex. It’s a wonderful part of sharing the greatest intimacy that can exist between two people. It makes no real sense that foreplay causes your husband to lose his erection. It is supposed to do just the opposite. That is part of the reason I point out that he has sexual problems. Foreplay intensifies the interest and pleasure of the woman just as it does for the man. That is part of relating. Yet, he seems to ignore the part of sex that has to do with his relationship with you. Where is his concern about your pleasure and your feelings?

Even though he says that he does not want to go to therapy, you can insist on the two of you going together. After all, what you are describing is not simply a problem of his alone. It’s a problem that directly affects you and your future with him, if there is going to be a future. If he believes you are telling him to go alone, he may feel blamed and embarassed. Knowing that you are going together for the both of you just might relieve some of his resistance to going.

It’s also important to him to know how you are feeling and that, in fact, you fear for your marriage. In other words, unless things change you may not be together even though you love him. This is the truth and can also be a motivating reason for him to join you.

If he insists on not seeing a therapist, it might be a good idea for you to see someone for yourself. It’s realistic to assume that his behavior is making you feel bad about yourself as a woman. Therapy is a good way to sort these feelings out. It can also be a way for you to move towards separation if he sees no problem and does not want to change.

You mention feeling tempted to have an affair. That is understandable. However, separation and divorce offer the chance for you to find a more suitable partner without making you feel guilty because you think you are cheating.

Your husband needs help and so does your marriage. Seeing someone jointly can be a way of getting him to seek help for himself. After that, it’s a good idea for you to consider divorce.

Beat of Luck

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    Hi,

    I have been married since 1.5 year. Blessed with a baby.

    I am facing same issue. My husband do not satisfy me. I asked him, tried to take initiative but he refuse everytime. I never felt he being romantic with me. all he if ever needed is sex. He never kisses me or hug me.

    most of the time he manstrubate reading sex stories. many times i asked him not to do so as i feel awkward and hurted.

    i feel very depressed, lonely, looser, rejected. i am very hurt.

    he behave rude and loud. he do not care if i get hurt by any of his action.

    I love him a lot. i keep myself always ready to fulfill his need and desire.

    do i need some kindoff counseling.

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