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My Husband Has Left Me For Another Woman. How Do I Let Go?

Question:

My husband left me & our infant over 6 months ago. It seems he’s gone back to his ex wife although he denies that as being the reason he left.

I was SO committed to this man & our relationship (a 2nd marriage for both of us). believed him each time he told me he was "here forever" & how there was nothing better. Imagine my devastation over it coming to an end.

It’s 6 months and I am not well. I have done everything I could to try to get my husband to rejoin me in counseling, attend a marriage retreat (he took his ex wife on a family vacation that week instead), listen to me profess how much value I held & how there was nothing I wouldn’t do to save us. He’s filed for divorce. Said he had no other choice. Claims to have gone through his own emotional disbelief & heartache since he too never thought he’d ever be gone.

I am still hanging on, still hoping, still praying, despite how much more ill I become each day. No one has a crystal ball or can foretell the future. And I know my husband is adamant right now with what he wants (since he’s at the ex’s day & night, day after day). But what do I do to get over the incredible hurt, the pain, the disbelief? The lies I now feel I was led all those years?

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Answer:

This is a situation that comes up in relationships sometimes. A very painful situation, but not an infrequent one, unfortunately. One partner in the relationship loses the attachment to the relationship, while the other partner does not. Often, this happens silently, without any fanfare or obvious signs, and the partner who remains attached to the relationship doesn’t know what is happening. Then, one day and seemingly out of the blue, the partner who has detached from the relationship announces that he or she is leaving and that there is no possibility of further discussion; no ambivalence to play on; no possibility of salvaging things.

It’s particularly devastating when this occurs because the partner who is left has no time to prepare or anticipate and grieve the end of the relationship, and because the magnitude of the loss is tremendous, involving not only the loss of a sexual partner, but also a confidant and intimate friend, and often a house or a car or a standard of living. Adults being as partnered up as they generally are, when you are suddenly alone, it is easy to feel terribly lonely, and to feel like a complete failure.

The kind of grief associated with this loss is similar (certainly not the same) to the kind of grief that someone who was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed might experience. It is much easier to let someone go when you’ve had some anticipatory time before the loss event to know that the loss is coming and to engage in some anticipatory grief.

In terms of what you should do, the advice I have to give is simple but hard to follow. You need to let this husband of yours go, in my humble opinion. Not because you want to do this, but because he clearly no longer wants to be with you, and to not divorce yourself from him emotionally at this time is to decide instead to suffer in a more intense manner than is absolutely necessary.

People get obsessional when they are in your position. They cannot stop thinking about the partner they have lost, and cannot allow that partner to go. If you fit the common pattern, your heart will not give you permission to let him go. So, if that is the case, your head will have to do the dirty work. it may not be possible to do it all at once, so if that is the case, you can do it multiple times until it sticks. How do you do this? It’s simple enough. You start living your life as though the relationship were truly over. You take down the pictures, get rid of the clothing and the possessions that remind you of him, you stop making phone calls and putting effort into trying to bring him back into your life, you work on filling in your empty nights with friends or projects, etc. If you start behaving as though it is over, at some point it will be over.

The pain will not end overnight, but you can expect to experience some dulling of its sharpness as you commit to the end of the relationship. Then, slowly over time, as you work through your grief, you can expect that dull pain to wax and wane and ultimate more or less dissolve, though that may take years.

I think it might be useful to you to read about grief in our Grief topic center , as what you are experiencing is a form of grief. Please know that though this is very painful, people do survive it, and you can too. Good luck.

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    Stay Strong, Time heals everything.

  • gabriel

    I saw that she was falling for someone else and when I realized she was adamant about it I felt crushed, I am 48 and no matter how much experience you have with people, it still hurts. Funny that our relationship really was not all that great, but with the loss of any kind from your relationship, i will penetrate your soul. That was my New Years Day. What really hurts is that we have a child together. But I would rather be in my shoes than my ex significant one. I am the man and would feel very guilty if I left her for good. Time to start healing with the advice given here, thanks everyone.

  • Pamela

    I just came home from work today from picking up our two children and everything in the house that belonged to him was gone. We just finished a texting battle (he wouldn't pick up my phone calls, but did text to say "You know why i left") We had a great night last night, no arguing, went to bed together, cuddle with our kids. I didn't expect it. We fight a lot but what relationship doesn't. He writes that I always think that i'm right, and I need to change. Carried this man for the last year since he's been unemployed. Didn't help me with a dime and most of the time we fought about money. I love him, watching my babies sleep I fear it is the end. My heart has this aching pain, I can't sleep just thinking about why he did it, the way he did it and the things he said. We have been through this years back, and I never imagined that we would go down this road again. I know what I have to do to pick up the pieces and continue on with my life, I just know that for the rest of the night and for the next couple months its going to be rough for me. I keep telling myself that this is just a bad nightmare and that i'll wake up and he'll be lying next to me. I just wished the pain in my heart can go away so I can get some sleep. Thanks to anyone out there who's reading, i feel so alone right now. Typing all this I can't stop my tears from flowing, I just wished this wasn't happening.

  • Jackie

    OMG. I understand. My husband of 10 years is over at his new girlfriend's RIGHT NOW as I type. He knows I know he's over there because he does not answer the phone or text back. Yet he keeps denying and saying they are just friends. I've actually talked to her and she told me he told her he loves her. We've been separated (but supposed to be working on things) for 9 months. The whole time he was seeing her. I can't believe this is happening. I was SO GOOD to him. He doesn't even talk to his friends anymore. It's like he's just morphed into another life. He won't talk to me about it or anything. This is irrelevant...but the woman is SO UGLY. I i'm only saying this because he is so superficial and hooked on looks. So he must really love her. He was seeing her before I moved out I found out as well. The though of him over there just playing house with her and her son makes me physically ill. There's nothing I can do about it. Iwant to shake reality into him. But there's nothing I can do. He acts now almost as if he's disgusted with me. No one can understand what he's doing. I"m pretty attractive, work hard, took care of things, never denied sex etc. People say it's not me it's him and I know that, but it doesn' make me feel any better. I can't function. I sob constantly or i'm in a daze. Our poor 6 year old is dealing with all of this. Thank Gold she sees him still. I know he holds her like he used to do me. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I loved and still love him so much. So I know how you feel. I wonder does he really love her?? Can he?? One thing I do know is that he loved me very much. How can someone just move onto someone else like that? He doesn't even seem to be concerned that i'm barely functioning.

  • vikki

    my husband of 20 years just ran off with a 17 yr old high school girl. he is 47. this is a just a little over a year since his last affair with someone else. we had gone to marriage counseling and he swore up and down that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. that he only loved me and no one else. but here i sit broken hearted in tears again because he just doesn't care about anyone but himself. i wish i knew how to get rid of this horrible ache. 3 months ago everything seemed to be fine and now we don't even talk. i don't hear from him unless he wants something like his mail. it's like i'm some kind of stranger to him and this other person who he's known maybe 3 and half months is so important for his survival. how could that be? i'm completely devasted. just wish i could fast forward my life through the next fews years of what i'm sure is going to be utter hell!

  • oriental

    My husband left me for another woman in December last year. We have been married for 10years and we have 3 beautiful girls together(oldest daughter has got cerebral palsy and she is wheelchair bound). I didn't see it coming at all. I still love him but I realised there is nothing i can do to change what happemed. I struggled for first 2 months. I wanted to kill myself. I thought my life was over, but you know what. There is a lot for you and me waiting out there. Don't feel bad when you feel like you can' t go on anymor. It's nomal to feel ups and downs. Don't forget that you are not alone. It's their loss, not ours.

  • donna barden

    exactly the same thing happend to me at the begining of november last year! we were together ten years,one morning he got up for work and said we need to talk! i thought what could it be? i was laughing asking him what is it then? to my shock he told me he wasent in love with me anymore,but he will always love me,i asked him if there was any one else ,he said no,a week later i find out he is seeing his sisters friend,i was devistated! we had no children as i couldent have any,so imagine how i felt when 5wks later i hear they are engaged and a month later she is pregnant,she already had two children of her own and is younger than me! i done the same thing txts calls ect and he ignored me, im so heart broken, yes it is a greiving procees,yes your world falls apart,yes you feel worthless, and theres nothing you can do to make them come home,its been just over three months and i feel like he left me yesterday! im on my own have no friends not even my family as were not that close, im devistated still, but look at what you both made a beautifull child, concerntrait on that for now, and the drs good advice, she is right in what she says, we all need to be strong,and none of us who are in a situation like this are to blame,live day to day and keep yourself busey,they say it gets easer but its up to the individual,i too just wish it was a couple of years a head, good luck be strong im trying to,what was meant to be was meant to be, try not to mope around all the time, he,s not, get yourself better show him you can do it by yourself,thats what im trying to do,what goes around will come around, the grass isent greener! take care!

  • Rebecca Van Praag

    My partner of 5 years has left me over 120 times and he left me again just over a week ago becuase I took my friend and her daughter to my sons party, he hates me he calls me a bad mother all of the time, he dragged me across the room by my legs infront of our 2 year old daughter the other day.... Our daughter will be 3 in a week and he says that he doesn't care and he doesnt want to see her... He is staying at his mums and I took our daughter to see him yesterday and he shut the door in my face and wont look at me and kept his back to me.... He has hurt me so much I have been depressed for years and on and off antidepressants, I dont work becuase if I get a job he leaves I am 29 and havent stepped foot in a pub or bar for over 4 years because he wont speak to me if I go anywhere... My mum has cancer and is going through chemo at the mo and he has never once asked how she is and she is having scans at the mo as they are not sure if it has spread and he dont care.... He has only ever once in nearly three years babysat for our daughter for the day and he tells me daily that I am a bad mother... I feel that I have ruined my life and wasted the best years of my life on him,,, he is ten years older than me.....I still love him and miss him dearly he is out 4 nights a week as he runs a security company and is a doorman, he is obviously socializing with other woman and men and I dont socialize with anyone.... Why does he hate me so much I have never done anything to hurt him and I never would... I feel so alone, I rented my house out in december to move to his town to try and have a fresh start with him and now I am stuck somewhere that I dont know anyone with know friends or family and I cant afford to go back and forth to my home town because I am not working and I am living with a friend of his who is a lodger in his house... I was not brought up to live like this but why do I feel so alone and depressed, I was searching the internet last night for the best way to commit suicide... I dont know what to do... I feel so rejected

    Editor's Note: This man sounds fairly abusive and overly controlling. Please take a look at our Abuse articles (there's more than one). You may find the comments there to be educational.

  • Anonymous-2

    I am nearly 57 and my partner of nine years and I were due to take early retirement in May. All our plans were made and what we were going to do. We had just had a super holiday(paid by me) and within a week I found out, by going to a party of a woman at his work that he was having an affair. He did not want to go to the party, so I dont think he wanted me to find out. He has now left me to live with her down he road. I am devastated. He has been back twice in three months to see me and says he is missing some things in our relatiohship. Then I dont see him for weeks, He now wont phone me or answer e mails. We had a holiday cottage and lots of plans. I have lost evrything. He had an affair eight years ago and lied over his wife and other important issues. I cant function and have not been to work since. He is 58 and she is 50.

  • vikki

    it's been over two weeks since i last posted. i am feeling much better. i can't believe what he's done and the thought of him with her right now makes me ill! but like i said he's 47 and she's 17. they have known each other maybe all of 4 months. i know in my heart of hearts that they have no future. i pray everyday for the day when it falls apart. i do not want him back but i do want justice. i think when we say we still love "them" or want "them" back we really should just be hoping for someone better and for them to get what they deserve. he threw 20 years with me away for a child he knew for 2 months at the time. i know he will get what he deserves and heaven help him if he comes looking for me!!!! he's been requesting me as a friend on myspace so "we could keep in touch". i rejected him and will continue to shut him out. i don't want a 47 year old man who wants to be with a teenager. he's got issues. let her deal with them!

  • P.D.D.

    There is hope, because God heals hurting marriages. My husband left me over a year ago for another woman. We have been married for 8 years and have a daughter. I gave up at first and my heart was hardened, but after awhile I released all that anger knowing that this was a test to help me become a stronger person. I then refused to believe that my world was over because it is my right in the eyes of God that he is my other half. I am not obsessed because i let him go, but i never gave up in my heart praying for God to change his heart and bring my prodigal home. He has been through soooo many trials (reaping what he sowed) and is asking for forgiveness. I forgive him. He is like a new person. Check out this website: it's very encouraging www.rejoicemarriageministries.org I pray for each one of you. Stay strong, this is just a test of life to help you become a better you.

  • Anonymous-3

    Well I am also in the same boat and I cannot believe how many people have the same stories!

    I was pregnant (4mths) when my husbands reaction was less than excited, we started talking about how the pregnancy would affect us our age (39) with his daughter who is 12 etc.

    He didn't think that a baby would be a great idea, so after many months of consideration, tears, etc we decided to abort the pregnancy.

    Please bear in mind that this was the worst decision I have ever ever had to make. If he had been happy about the baby I would have been on cloud nine and right now I would be 7 months pregnant.

    But what is done is done..........so 2 weeks after this and 2 days before Christmas as we are going to sleep he decides to tell me.

    He is leaving me for his ex girlfriend (the mother of his 12yr old)

    We have been together 10 yrs and married for 5, I have raised his child 50% of the time and now nothing.

    They are both ripped from my life.

    No baby, no husband, no step-daughter, no financial security.

    Wow................now I understand where his head was at making that horrible decision. Only wish I had known that "they" were making the decision that I will never have children.(that was my last and only chance)

    On and off most days.

    Wanted to kill myself but I am functioning better now.

    Just sad and lonely and guilt ridden.

    I know this is meant to be.....although we were very happy it appeared. It is meant to be.

    Good timber does not grow with ease, the stronger the wind, the tougher the trees.

  • Ann

    I was also in the same situation, I was with my husband for 9 years, and one day he gave me the news, " we can't be together, we can't live together"..what the hell, We had a 3 yr old son and I was 4 mos preg, I went through a severe depression, blamed myself and tried to say anything and everything to make him stay, the think is that when they want to leave in my opinion just open the door and hold back the tears because you will only allow him to brake you. The excuses that every man uses is " we fell apart" , " you haven't changed" "we need time apart" let me tell you ladies..it's bull sh**t...That is nothing but a cop out, and a lame excuse to leave. They are caught up with a LIFE THAT IS A LIE. It will take time to either forgive them or let them go, but what you do or say will not change their actions, if they want to come back and realize it is not worth losing you then by all means try and make it work, but if they never realize it on their own, work on letting them go. It only affects you, emotionally and phyically. They will reap what they soe, just remember this....Noone can ever walk in your shadow. ... marriage has it's ups and downs not one relationship is perfect and if they think that they will find Ms. Perfect out there, much luck to them. lol, Yes, you might have spent almost all your life with them but ask yourself this question>>> Are you going to allow this person to take more years away from you??? This feeling of heartache can last a long time months, years....it's all up to you...Sometimes that other person can not even feel the separation because we tend to let them know we are still holding on, still loving them, still hopeful, and trying to be the best we can be. I am not saying to be ugly, or revengeful, but let them see what it is to not have you.... But one important thing if you have kids with this person and have to see this person always look your best, because you are the best... keep your head up and take care of yourself...You might feel broken but God always restores....Thats the truth..:)

    How could someone you trusted with your life, your heart, your future,your deepest secrets, your happiest moments,turn their back on you, and never look back?How can someone love a person so much it makes your whole body ache, you have sleepless nights , restless mornings & everlasting tears falling down your face? Trying to understand what lesson is suppose to be learned from this! How can having a broken heart affect your life in such a way you fear love? When your days don't seem to matter and you wish some kind of miricle would happen or you'd wake up and he/she would be lying right next to you. Why focus on past regrets, not knowing how much your damaging your own confidence, your own ability to love, causing your own happiness not to matter. So days , months, years, go by. So why hold on to hear what may hurt the most, "we fell apart", "i still love you, but it's not the same", "it's better that I leave now, then to stay and hurt you later", or that "there isn't someone else", come to find out, there was someone else! Maybe it's better not to know.But something inside you wants to search and find a way to fix it or alter their mind in such a way that they will love you the way god intended for two people to love eachother. But, then you finally see things for what they are, and you just have to "let go, and let god". Everything happens for a reason,,, why live in the past, put it behind you and move on...It takes time and it hurts but happiness is just around the corner if you want it to be:)these are my thoughts: friends:this is for you, know who you are..Love isn't suppose to hurt.

  • Anonymous-4

    Reading everyone's comments really touched me. I am right there with you. My husband left me almost three--yes, 3--years ago. I should be over it by now, right? Well, it's been up and down because my religious belief shuns divorce at almost all cost. My husband and I talked about this before we got married and I thought we were on the same page, yet he has left me for another woman. I distinctly recall his words, "If we get married, there will be no divorce." Each of you have told my story to some extent, but to add to it myself, let me just say, he lied, and lied and lied. He was cheating on me for three years with this other woman. I kept asking him if he was seeing someone else and he always lied and said no. I was sick and unemployed when he left. After going to the ER twice in one week, after the second trip to the hospital, I was bed ridden for two solid weeks. When I finally got out of the bed, I saw that he was gone. He had said he was leaving, but had threatened to leave many times. It hurst me that this man who vowed to love me and stay with me put another woman in my place and treats her as if she means the world to him while he totally ignores that I exist. He is very selfish and evil in his comments and dealings with me as few and far between as they are. When we married I had a brand new home that I had built from the ground. I had a substantial amount of money in the bank, a newly renovated investment property and excellent credit. Since he left, I have had to file bankruptcy and have barely been able to hold on to my home. I have lost everything. He is going on happy as a lark with his adulteress whore. This whole thing has made me sick from the stress, so now I have health issues.

    I have a problem accepting that he is happy, yet I am alone when he is the one who committed the wrong. My goal now is to move on--it is what it is. He was a lying, backstabbing, underhanded, cowardly cheat--hardly a man. If he could do this to me, he is not worth my even contemplating why. He did it--that is the fact. I won't stay here for long, I refuse to let him have any more of my life. I wish everyone the best, I believe the key is we have to value ourselves more. We have to stop seeing these people on a pedestal because subconsciously we are seeing as being better than we are otherwise, their absence would not matter that much. Good luck to you all.... I have one last question though if someone cares to respond: Do you REALLY believe people reap what they sow? Sometimes I wonder.

  • Anne Kris

    Let me start by saying that it is sad that these men do not see clearly, being so lustful is like a drug. Most of the time these men do start off happy so it seems, but it's the work of the ENEMY. God will not bless those who have committed Adultary. They both will suffer the wrath of God here on earth or the day of judgement. The happiness these men think they find is a lie and if a husband abandons his faithful wife for any other reason but UNFAITHFULNESS(Adultary) can not justify their actions to anyone and most importantly God. I struggled for 3 -1/2 years with this man that was the father of my kids and my husband,(my story is on here by Anne)I went through all the emotions, and ended up falling flat on my face with no where to look but UP. I kept holding on because he was my husband and I never wanted him to leave, He was my best friend. I never thought he would cheat on me, lie to me, emotionally abuse me, or become as selfish as he did. He broke me and God restored me. Like I said before I don't think that we as woman should try and fix what has been broken by them, If your husband leaves your home because he is screwing around with someone else, LET THEM GO.. If they stay in your home then I would try to make it work, counsling or therapy, most of all God to help resolve the MArriage. But if he leaves and mistreats you, disrespects you, uses you, belittles you, blames you, ignores you, basically emotionally ABUSES you, the best thing to do is move forward with your life and divorce him. It is much easier for a man to be with ANY kind of women, it just does not matter, they are so dumb, THEY ARE LOOKING FOR THE 20 % OF WHAT THEY THINK THEY ARE MISSING IN THEIR MARRAIGE AND END UP LOSING 80% AND THEY SURE DO GET THAT 20%,LOL,BUT THATS WHAT THEY END UP WITH 20%..They will never find anyone like you, and it is sad but true they will find that out later and will end up settling for whatever they get.....Now they will play the role usually that they are happy, perfect, and content, but it is only because they are settling and WHAT MAN WILL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS, ......I remeber I use to be so hurt, and I would talk to my minister about how I felt,( my husband ended up with a stripper, stayed away from my kids for 6 mos because she was preg and didn't have the **** to face me) I was devastated and I was pist at myself for wasting so much time wanted him to be the man I fell in love with when we got married. He changed he was not that man anymore, I was holding on to the past and It only brought me down, anyway (btw this stripper my husband got preg moved in with him and omg when I first saw her I was so confused, I thought she was some kind of beautiful sexy pretty little thing, right..lol...she was the tottal opposite, I am sure it was the 20% though..lol)anyway back to my minister,I was expressing my frustration, my saddness, my heartache, my anger and I just could not understand why he would not take responsibility for his actions, why was he so happy with her ( the ugly stripper..lol.) and I was by myself trying to raise my two children and trying to forgive him for me, he didn't seem regretful for our damanged, broken, unrepairable marriage. He would always say horrible tthings to me, everything was my fault and I believed it for a while. Anyway my minister said: " Kris what do you want him to say to you? Do you want him to tell you he knows he messed up everything." I said " I guess so, I want him to feel what I felt, I want him to drown in regret, I want him to realize that I was a good wife and a good mother and that his actions not only broke our marraige but also damanged me and hurt our children, but he acts like it does not mean a thing." My minister said " from the begining of time , Man has never tool responsibility when he went against God. When Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. God called upon Adam and Adam hid behind a tree.God said why are you hidding Adam. Adam said because I am naked. God said Why did you eat from the tree of evil? Adam said Well the woman gave me the fruit and you gave me the woman. Even Adam was pointing the finger to God and did not take resposibility for his actions, he went against God and blamed God for his wrong doing. I realized that I had to give it all to God and let him deal with him, God did and is, it took a while but let me tell you that when my husband went through the rough bumpy ride and saw how much stronger, confident and successful I had become, I knew he started to resent me for it for whatever reason, but his struggles did not help me in anyway, I had to learn to be happy again, enjoy life, and trust God and in time It became easier. I stil have my days where I think to myself what if it would've worked out? Why did this ever happen between us? Usually when it's his weekened to get our kids, but it doesn't last long and I do not shed any tears, and my heart is not hard, I just thank God that he pulled me through it.... God will never allow you to go through something you can not handle. What is bad God can make good, and sometimes things happen and we will never know why it did. But if your spouse commits adultary and continues and leaves, hun, give him a divorce and move on to better and bigger things. It will hurt like I said before but it will eventually fade and the worst thing to do is allow a man to destroy your confidence or your own ability to love....Their are so many deciteful men and woman in this world, but there are also some good faithful respectful ones too, well I hope I was helpful to anyone out there...:) I am just like you ..stay strong and remember you can be broken at first but BEAUTIFULLY RESTORED ladies...ttyl Anne Kris

  • jane

    I cant believe what Im reading. My husband left me 3 months ago after 20 years we me when we were 18. He started a new job and I supported and helped him and I thought things were travelling along fine until I started to get suspicious about some phone calls and texts etc. He verbally abused me continuously that nothing was going on and he always had his phone on silent and put away and locked. We have two children and are quite financially well off. Well to my surprise one month after he left me he moved in with this girl who has five children three of whom live there around the same age as my children. I can comprehend how he can do this and will not talk to me about anything and acts as if I dont exist and our whole past is nonexistent. I cant stand it that I have to see him when he picks up the kids and it hurts so much to see him drive away and go to this house to go and play happy families with her and her kids and ours. I dont know how to keep going. I have good days and think Im strong and am quite happy and then down I go and feel like driving off a cliff if it wasnt for my children.

  • Barb

    I too have been thru this what I can say is we woman I have to love your self more then you love him husband boyfriend whatever the case may be. Love thy self more. Women were created for this love and take care of everyone. But please love yourself more, If we love ourself more then we love anyone else these so called men won't get over on us. Be informed on how he treats other people pay attention to the little things don't let get away with anything stop bitten our tongues and let these so called men know how you feel and whats on your mind. A closed mouth never gets feed. I don't put up with anything anymore I speak my mind rather he likes it or not. I not settle for less If he can't fullfill my needs and wants whats the point A man is supposed to take care of woman that is his role in a marriage, not demean her or abuse and cheat. Pay attention woman start being two steps ahead of him. We are smarter then them they came from a woman a woman raised them. A man is only going to do what you allow him to do to you. Stand up put you're foot and be strongh!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Juliana Bauman

    I appreciate all the advice given here and the courage it took to write your stories.

    Mine is very recent and I am still reeling from shock. It all ended on 24 March 2009.

    During the last 8 years my husband conned me, duped me, cheated on me, abused me psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

    I married him because he said he was a Pastor and I thought that I was marrying a righteous Godly man. It turned out that he is a predator of women. He has been married 3 times before me. He operates mainly in Christian circles. I believed everything that he told me about himself and did not question further until we were married.

    He took my money, my joy, laughter, confidence, isolated me fro friends and family. Ensured that if I told a pastor what was happening at my house that I would look as though I was "cuckoo".

    I worked and used my money to set him up in a taxi business using my signature on loans that were taken out using the equity in the house. The house is in both our names only because I first had to pay off all his bad debts in order to have a joint mortgage.

    My health has suffered and I am no longer able to work. The abuse continued, but being a faithful wife and good Christian woman I continued because I wanted the marriage to work and did my best to do my part.

    My husband made no effort except to go to work daily. He was ensuring that HIS taxi business was fine, but he did not maintain the house, the garden, the marriage. I thought that I saw signs of possible outside relationships by observing his behaviour, lack of love, lack of intimacy, clothing with lipstick etc. He denied it and went on abusing me by bullying and intimidating so that I would not pursue these questions.

    On 24 March 2009, he had me served through the family court of New Zealand, trespass order, occupancy order, ancillary furniture order and PROTECTION ORDER All of these are bogus. What an effective way to get rid of an unwanted wife and keep EVERYTHING for himself!!!

    As I write this I have been livng on the poverty line in a womens shelter/refuge in Christchurch New Zealand since 25 March 2009. I have to attend a "hearing" next week and prove my INNOCENCE. In the meantime I have incurred huge debts. The cost of the lawyer (paid thru legal aid whom I have to pay back once all legalities are over) is $17,000. plus.

    Nearly every bill for living costs incurred in the house for furniture, food, clothing, utilities, credit cards are all on MY NAME as he could not get credit when I met him due to his bad credit record.

    Now he is no longer paying any bills. In order to keep my credit name clean I am trying to eke out payments to ALL THESE BILLS from a government disability BENEFIT. My circumstances are dire and I don't know where to turn. I have tried appealing to him, but with the PPO I am not even allowed to contact him in any way as I would be in breach of the PPO. The bogus accusations that got the PPO passed through the family courts are horrific, but as he is an ex police constable/mechanic from Ipswich, Brisbane, Queensland he knows all the tricks.

    He has stitched me up completely. I cannot live in my own house, take my personal possessions without his PERMISSION. I cannot go near the house or him. I cannot phone him or get anyone else to do the same except my lawyer. I have been left with all the bills for items of furniture that he is using in the house, that I decorated, put together annd made into a home.

    In the meantime I am struggling in the winter of Christchurch, with very little food (I am diabetic and also chronic arthritis), very little heat, unable to pay for decent accommodation on an invalids benefit. Have no indoor laundry facilities and have to walk accross the public car park to the "laundry" in all kinds of inclement weather. Whilst he is enjoying the benefits of a house that has been modified by the District Health Board for my disabilities, with warmth and special bathroom rails and toilet etc.

    I am South African and came to New Zealand 8 years ago. This man duped me. It was planned from the outset. He was very patient and waited until he had got all that he needed to "make it on his own", and probably with another women. However he still has an obsession about keeping a public image of respect and goes to church, speaking the speak but not walking the walk. He is full of head knowledge of the Christian walk but is nothing but a clanging bell without love or the ability to love.

    I don't know how to go on except to cling to God and my faith. In the natural it is not easy. I am scared, alone, afraid, hurtng, physically unwell.

    The majority of the"Christian" churches and people that I know are also just speaking the speak, but not doing anything practical to make me feel human again.

    I have no friends (he isolated me from anyone who got close to me) and I have no relatives here. My passport has expired and I owe the Govt study loans so I am a nobody with nothing and no one to give me the time of dlay.

    How did this happen? Is there anyone who can wipe the tears?

    Blessings

    Julie (Juliana) Bauman.. .Roberts wife

  • Beth

    Many of the men that leave this way have something missing within their character. They have a deep unhappiness that no human being can ever fill. My ex husband was a narsissist. He was a pastor and left me for one of my parishoners who he has now married. He blamed the failure of our marriage on me . He continues to wreck havoc in our lives thru the child visitation he has with my teenage son. When I started reading about narsissism I realized that he has all of the traits. The red flags were there when we were dating. Realize this is not about how you failed but about what is missing in him. You are not the problem . Normal healthy people do not bail on their families like this. They work their problems out in an open honest way. One of the reasons I think we hurt so much is we are grieving the loss of what we wanted the most a man who loves us. My former husband never truely loved me the way I wanted to be loved. I am truely sorry for all the pain you all are going through. Just know that you all deserve alot bettor. If it offers any comfort they will never be happy with the new woman. He will cheat on her too once the high of the affair ends and real life becomes a reality.

  • Andy

    i somehow came across this page and was quite saddened reading the various personal stories on here.

    i notice the high number of posts reporting how their personal support systems had been weakened and they had been left isolated from their friends and family after so many years of marriages.

    i can understand how marriage would isolate you from your friends. But never ever allow marriage to isolate you from your family.

    That's how you end up with no support structure when the unexpected happens.

    One of my sisters got married and started to pull away from the family. I attempted to talk to her about it and she threw a bible quotation in my face about how a woman shall leave her house and become one with her husband bla bla bla. I felt betrayed and angry. 8 years later when the marriage ended, we had grown so far apart that it took her almost 6 months to tell me. her only brother.

    nothing replaces family. absolutely nothing. a man who attempts to but a distance between you and your family is danger waiting to happen. that should be your first clue, and this you can actually observe during dating!

  • ails

    I read ur comment and it reminded me of the situation i was in a year and a half ago! same old same old he was with someone b4 me and explained that i was the ONE and also tht he had never met anyone else like me! Truth was it as all lies (what men do) !!!!! I cant tell u how ur going to feel in a few months time but all i can say is please let him go!! If this is the decison he has made then move on and let him see that u r ok and that u have moved on and are happy (even if ur not) U will become stronger and it will get easier ( to be honest when people said that to me i didnt believe them but now i no its true) I promisie it will become easier and when he sees ur happy he wil regret everything but by that time it will be 2 late as u are better and worth more thn him" Hope everything works out 4 u¬¬¬ chin up u wil get there xxxxxxx

  • angela

    Iam 35 year old. i met my husband when i was 14 he was 17 had my girl young then few years later had my son. We had a hard time bringing them up but he worked hard to provide for us as he loved his family.my kids are now 19 - 16. We were very much in love so much so he proposed last jan in venice and said get married in dec as we would have been together for 20 years dec 2009. we had dream wedding i was so happy to be his wife. we were looking foward to a future now the kids were grown up. But 6 weeks ago i found a txt saying love you on his phone, he walked out i met him 2 he told me hes not coming back as i would never forgive him. I told him i would but he says no. he quite guy does not drink or go out he stays home its me who goes out with friends. he is very shy, iam outgoing. so i know he must have met her while working away. This is not like him, i dont even know were he is, as he can work anywere. his bank staement came through that confirms he is staying in hotels so not moved in with her yet. Although he has rediredicted his mial now. When i met him he was angry with me saying nasty things then he would cry,say sorry, I have never seen him cry in all the years we have been together.he said he did want to marry me and he still loves me but he has feelings for her and he does not know if he wants to be with her.dont know what to do cant eat sleep function as normal. i keep thinking he must miss me 20 years is a long time and we have never been apart. Do you think he will wake up one day and think of everthing we had and come home ? i hope he does. i feel so alone want him so much right now. i want to txt him but iam scared. i know i have to be strong and not contact him so he maybe miss me. Cant undersatnd we only been married 4months. help advice needed thanx

  • Suzie

    I have been married to my husband for 14 years and we have one beautiful son. We have just recently finished building us our "DREAM HOME" and it has taken two years to get it done. Through the process of building the fights were getting out of hand. We could never agree on colors or anything. So it got to the point that instead of arguring I would tell him sure let's get that and sure what ever you want it will look fine.

    Through the years of marriage he was very emotional and verbally abusive to me. always calling me very vile names but I got numb to that. and then one day in one of our fights, he had me removed from our new home that we had only been living in for 6 weeks. 2weeks behind that he tells me he has a "female friend" 2 weeks behind that he has this woman staying the night in my new home sleeping in my room, bathing in my tub and cooking dinner with my dishes for my family in my home for an entire weekend.

    How does someone woman just come and think it's ok to just take over?? They have had to have know each other longer than 6 weeks here right??? I mean come on.

    How does a person move on from all this termoil and heartache, I have begged pleaded, and graveled at this mans feet to keep our marriage together with only the comments of "FU" coming from his mouth.

    Am I truley as crazy as he tells me I am. can he really just turn and think he can have her move right on in? Is this going to last with them?? do I wait around to see him fall?? do I walk away from my brand new home and just hand it over to him and her??

  • Anonymous-5

    anyone with any advise to this article would be great!!!! do I move on or can i win him back

  • barb

    I think your husband built the house for her not for you and that he knew this from the beginning. That is probably why there were so many arguments. Honey, let her have the house. Get rid of him and start a new life with a man who will not verbally abuse you. First comes the verbal abuse than the physical abuse will follow. Get out now and dont look back.

  • Louis Delaine

    I dont know what to do my wife after 7 years left me.She said that she needs her space .She only said that because she felt like this for ahwile that she wasnt happy,but she do love me .

    In my heart I didnt know anything was wrong ,I dont know what I missed ,as i sit here in this house Im racking my brain but I cant come up with anything .I dont know if she will come back there are so many unanswerd question ,I feel sick. I dont know what to do Im hurting so bad . To be 27 and her 33 I didnt think that this stage in our marriage we would be at this point.

    Can anyone help me.I miss her and love her so much but I cant be going threw this not me..................

  • latonia B

    I married my husband in 2007.he ahd did most of his life in prison.age 17-30.when i met him howevr,it was like a feeling i never imagined.i knoew he was my soulmate.he kept his apartment during the first year of the marriage and at every little disagreement,he would leave me.i would go over there only to find women.i got deepr in God and he soon followed.He was Muslim before.He had me arrested on fraudently charges.he has physically,mentally and emotionally abused me.Recently,Mar 17 2009,he left again.I caught him at the movies with this woman.I allowed him back but he only had sex with me and left again.I just found out where the other woman is living and she had the nerve to call the police when i came over knocking on her door.I live in a state where I can file alienation of affection and actually sue his whore.The atty fees are so expensive but I will be driving her ittle black BMW soon enough because God as my witness,I was good to that man.I have kids before him,who are now sad and i have lost weight,sleep and confidence.I ride by every night(15 miles) and i see the truck parked there ,like he's home.That was money from our taxes to save ona house,but he left me and bought a truck.He took a DVPO out on me but it was just dismissed.He just told me Monday in court he loves me and will do right but Tuesday he was back over her place.I want to hurt them but I know vengenance is for God.I just need prayer and strength,because I still love him.

  • Anonymous-6

    Hello out there,

    I've read a few stories on this page and felt resonance with the feelings of loss, grief and deep pain. My particular story is not dissimilar to others on this page except for the fact that I am a male who was so in love with an amazing and inspiring woman, who had to break it off because (she said) she was not ready for a commitment. I like others here, was devasted. Still am. And it's been a year since we parted. It was wonderful being with her and I know I am a lesser man without her.

    I don't know what to do.

  • diane

    I was living with my common-law-husband for the last 6 years and together a total of nine years. We had a good relationship or so I thought until a couple of months ago. We had a couple our age move in next door who we new from before. The wife started dieting and lost a lot of weight. This woman started dressing provacatevely and flirting with all the men in the village that we live in. I thought she was paying a lot of attention to my husband but he denied everything. One night in June I caught them locked in our garage and all hell broke loose. Both of them left and went to stay in a hotel. I found out two days later that my spouse had cleaned out our bank account. I was totally thunder struck that my husband would do this to me. This behavior is totally out of character for him. It has been a month now and I still have difficulty coming to terms with the fact it is over. I keep thinking that he will realize how wrong he has been and come back. We are now dealing with lawyers as I am in the home and unwilling to give him anything until he returns the money. what a nightmare! I know I will be ok and life will go on but the emotional upset and damage caused by these two people is unbelievable. This woman has a wonderful husband and two young adult children who have been severely affected as well.

  • anika

    I've been reading these posts and can relate to many. My husband of 7 yrs left 3.5 years ago and I was distraught for a long time after -- for the first year, I was in shock and disbelief. I kept meeting him every two weeks or so for dinner and putting on an act, trying to attract him back. He was busy dating other women at the same time. I continued this dinner date thing until two summers ago when I asked him if he was in love with the woman he was seeing and he said, yes, I think so. I was heartbroken and said, so why are you seeing me? he said, I enjoy you. That made me furious -- I told him I didn't want to see him again. And I stopped seeing him. I know it was my fault for putting myself in that situation but I still loved him and enjoyed seeing him even in those limited circumstances. I felt devastated all over again when I stopped seeing him. Now, almost two years later, I still have moments when I miss him and wonder about him. Sometimes, I still feel very sad about him and us -- I do feel that I lost my soul mate and my best friend. I used to love talking to him, and laughing with him -- we had such a connection with each other. We often talked about that feeling of connection. That's why sometimes it's still hard for me to believe that we are no longer together. After he left, he basically told me that he wanted to have different experiences with different people--I was stunned. A few months ago, I dated someone else for a while but we didn't click -- he was nice but I didn't feel any passion for him -- in fact, I was just as content staying home alone then going out with him. Not a good sign -- so I stopped seeing him. Now, I still think of my ex sometimes and wonder how he is--if he's happy, if he misses me and us. I can't lie -- part of me still wishes we were together. But another part of me tells me that this isn't possible and so I refocus on my life and try to go on. I hope I do meet someone I really enjoy being with. I made a promise to myself not to contact my ex and so far I've kept the promise. I know that if I do I will be re-opening this wound that is still just barely covered. Stopping all contact with an ex is an important part of getting over him/her. I wish I had stopped all contact as soon as he left rather then 1.5 years later. But I was hoping he would change his mind -- a foolish belief that seems possible when you feel distraught and desperate. So it does take a long time to heal from a divorce -- don't let anyone tell you differently -- and we each have our own way of healing. And maybe we never heal completely -- a scar always remains in your heart.

    Strength and endurance to everyone.

  • Anonymous-7

    The good news is that time will heal many of these painful experiences that you are going through, but the bad news is that you will never be same, you will never trust the same, it is a permanent betrayal. You will someday soon move on and possibly realize that you are better off without him, but.... you said you have a child, so that is the hardest part, because your feelings about him will be tougher to deal with because he will visit the child & etc. There is no easy answer to this, you will have to give it time. You may never totally "get over" the devestation, but believe me, you will get over it enough to become stronger and a better person.

  • Anonymous-8

    Dear All,

    WOW! seems like we are not alone. So many of us have been through the same or similar situation.

    I have spent a lot of time (almost too much) moarning because of my 9 year relationship and love of my life that cheated on me and left me for another girl. Last year, one day before it was official that he would leave me - he told me he loved me, he made love to me, told me he wanted to marry me. I day later, I went to his house and there was another girl. He acted like he had not seen or known me for over two years. WOW! What hit me! So we were officially over ok! - He left me but he was calling me up and telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he loved me and had deep feelings for me....guess what!...he was with her....two months later she was part of his family and pregnant etc etc...but he was still telling me he loves me...a along! I left my family, country, life style completely gave up everything to be with him and this was what I got after 9 years! - I still could not hate him...

    You know all this time I thought I was the loser. If you feel you have lost something... and your soul feels like its torn to bits and you feel weak and nothing seems worth it anymore....but actually as hard as it seems...being freed from a situation like that might just be a blessing...and reading a lot of your stories has made me realise God really loves us and he wants us to be happy and if these people really loved us, then why would they want to hurt us the way they do??? - Even better how would they have felt if we did that back to them??? (of course you would never do that to them because you would never want to hurt them - you love them).

    I was at work a couple of months ago, and an Indian man come over to me from across the room (please note he did not know me). He told me, "I feel I should tell you something", being at work I kept cool and was curious so I asked him what it was. and this is what he said "Love takes time and it grows and becomes deeper - You can only fall out of love if you are in Love. Being in love is a flexible feeling, but actually Loving is a decision. You know when someone loves you when they respect you. Someone who loves you will hurt when you hurt because they love you - someone who hurts you intentionally or with a plan does not love you (and possibly never has)." Maybe some partners are comfortable and mistake being in love with actually loving someone.

    We have a choice and we stay in the situation because we think it might just get better? because we feel it would be wrong to walk away? We feel that better with them and suffer than without them and suffer? But when you love someone who does not love you then you cannot lose them anyway. You cannot lose something you do not have.

    I know it is hard - I am going through the same thing - but it is important that you find yourself again. That you smile and if you have children that the love you miss you find again to share with them. What comes around goes around. Slowly Let go in love and forgive the people that hurt you (even if it feels humiliating and unfair to do so) - ask God to fill your lifes with his Love and offer up all your pain and suffering to him. You know I asked a priest why should I forgive him when he is not even sorry - he told me that it was to find peace in me. If the other person is sorry or not it does not matter.

    As hard as it sounds to believe - God will make a way. Smile and do not give those people who take advantage and hurt you the advantage of feeling like they are better than you. You are all very special because you can do something they cannot. You can Love and that is really special. Focus on the people that deserve it. Focus on yourself and share that Love with those that really Love and respect you.

    You will never change those that hurt you and you will always hurt more. So do not try to change them ... From my knowledge, you will never manage to change a person who is comfortable with their situation... rather look forward and see it as an opportunity for the positive new life that lies infront of you...because you all deserve it.

    God Bless

  • Teresa

    I really never thought that men actually cheated on their wives until I married, I was truly in love with my husband, I waited 28 years before I married. I was married 18 years, on August 28, 2007 he told me he didn't love me and he was leaving, just like that, talk about a shock. I never, ever thought he was involved with someone else, three days later a friend called and told me he was living with another woman ten years younger than he. That just totally blew my mind, I didn't have any idea. I have not figured out how a or any woman can just or would want to take a man away from his wife and children, and she acts like I am the one at fault. I really feel for any one that loses there husband to someone else it is wrong and these men need help. I still love my husband very much we have three children. It really hurts to see him, I pray for him every night and I pray for his girlfriend as well, I have a book called the Power of a praying wife by Stormie Omartian It really helps me out and I pray the prayers in the book, if my husband says he is not in love with me, then so be it. I am not giving up on my marriage and some of you may think I am crazy, I am a christian woman I don't believe in divorce, because God said so, I am praying for my marriage. If he doesn't return to the marriage I can't say I didn't try, yes it is hard, and why men think they can do whatever it is they want, is beyond me, and these women that go after married men, I say find your own man and leave the married ones alone.

  • Anonymous-9

    My husband and I had been dating for 4 years when he proposed. I was 33 and he was 26. We were best friends and did everything together before anything else happened. We got married Aug 25, 2007. Once we got married, he began telling little white lies about stupid stuff like, "did you eat the last roll ?" or "did you pay the light bill ?" It was nuts. So we went to pastoral counseling, b/c I couldn't take the lying after it caused me to have my water service cut off. We went to counseling in July and everything was fine. We had a great anniversary and celebrated it for a week. Then on Dec 15, 2008 he had tremors so I called the ambulance and we went to the hospital. I was at the hospital and his family was there. He would see them, but not me. I talked to him for a total of 8 minutes and he said he wouldn't see me b/c he was mad at me. He asked me to stay at the hospital and come back to see him in a little while. I did. I waited and kept asking and being told No, by the doctors and nurses. I called our pastor hysterical and asked him to pray for him and us. I decided to wait for another 30 minutes when I got a call from home. I had been constantly getting phone calls, but of course, I ignored them b/c I was at the hospital. When I finally answered the phone, my brother told me that his brother and sister and cousin came to my house and took his stuff. I couldn't even process the words.

    I had my brother come and pick me up. He said my husband had called and requested that they be allowed to take the things out of the house. When I got home, most of his things were gone. Shoes, clothes, stereo, toothbrush. I was stunned. He went home with him family and has been there since. I have only seen him twice Jan 15 and Mar 27, 2009. We used to talk or text everyday. Now, nothing. I haven't heard his voice since Mar 27 and he hasn't texted me since July.

    He still has clothes here and his Bibles and some other clothes. I just cannot believe this happened. I just want to die. I don't want to get divorced. I don't know what to do. He just deserted me without a word. He didn't even tell me. I came home to a bedroom that was so empty and cold I could not believe that 8 hours before this had been our home, a happy place. Not perfect, but happy.

    I just don't know how to function without him. He's still on my health insurance and it's costing me money and I still don't have the heart to take him off b/c I keep thinking - just in case. I cry constantly. I pray all the time for a 2nd chance. At this point, I am willing to do anything to get him back. It's like my heart was completely cut out of me. I just can't go on. How could our first Christmas be our last ? He's twenty minutes away and a million miles. I have begged, pleaded, cried - just for a 2nd chance or for a trial period like a month or even a week. I made 3 appointments for counseling back in January and he canceled twice and did a no show.

    Please pray for me and my marriage.

  • Crystal

    My husband and I were together for three years married 1 months and we just had a beautiful baby boy a year ago next month. We were head over heels in love or so I thought. The day after my first mothers day he came home and said I am not happy I want a divorce and to make a long story short he moved out and was dating another woman within a day and we were obviously not divorced yet. Now he has broken up with this girl and is now with another. He is living with her and her daughter they are engaged to be married as soon as our divorce is final and they just got a new place. I do not know what to do. I love him with all of my heart and I am having a really hard time letting go. I read her myspace status everyday and I try to get things arranged so my husband and I will do things with our son and I. I know he is not good for me any more and I can never trust him again but I love him, I just dont want to care about him and his new girlfriend anymore. Can anyone give me advice?

  • Anonymous-10

    I have been married to the same man for 41 yrs. We

    have two grown children and grandchildren.

    I recently came to the understanding he is having an affair with a woman half his age. He in his sixties.

    After so many years I can't believe my life has come to this. I always felt he was an exception to the rule and

    believed he loved me too much to do such a thing. I understand everyones pain, I am feeling it too.

    God help us all.

  • Egyptian

    My partner of 24 years has just left me(today). He has met someone else. I am 42 years old. we have 1 daughter who is now married with a son of her own. I work part time so cant afford a place of my own. I am totaly destroyed, I dont know where to turn.

  • Anonymous-11

    I am 49, my husband left me. He was cheating on me, I never knew. He said he was going for a pack of smokes and never came back. He did come back to get his things and he brought his new girlfriend. After 24 yrs. this was all a shock. I felt if I were younger I could of dealt with it better. I cried for weeks. I couldn't imagine how after all these years he just got rid of me. The kids were gone and so was he. It seemed especially hard being alone. I blamed myself. I never called him or anything. I didn't want to look like I cared. I kept busy, busy, busy. I still think of him, just not as bad. Its been a year. I still love him. But I am trying to move on. It is so very hard. Thank You.

  • Anonymous-12

    I was right where most of you are right now...grieving, and hurting. because of a MAN who left. I cannot explain how I finally just WOKE UP and realized that it is a total diresrespect of ourselves if we allow another person to cheat on us, leave us, lie to us and come back into our lives. We tell ourselves.."I want him back"..."He still Loves Me"..."What a Connection we had".."we were Best Friends". BULL...to all of it. I allowed my so called HUSBAND to leave me and come back so many times, that I should have installed a revolving door in our home.

    I don't need or want this. There is no security in this type of living. Yes, I grieved...but when I relized I was grieving for something the HE had thrown away...I stopped. If he did not value what our life together was, then he was the loser, not me. I tolerated asking no questions as to where he was, putting up with him returning my calls to his cell, four days later...not knowing where he lived, or worked anymore...and THAT DAY CAME. THE DAY HE DROPPED BY...AND IT JUST WAS'NT THERE FOR ME ANYMORE. I felt no anger, no love, no "pity"....I felt nothing, except that I just wanted him to be on his way. He actually wanted to drop by and ask for a reconciliation...and it BROKE my heart for me to tell him.."I Don't Love You Anymore". I wished at the time, it was him telling me, instead of me telling him as the veangeful attitude I had once held had gone as well.

    How did I get there? TIME...I stayed busy. I didn't sit and dwell on him. I stopped all thoughts of him as soon as they came into my head , whether good or bad...I do not want to give anyone that kind of power over me.

    Your significant other does not love you or respect you ...AS they should if they cheat, lie, or disrespect you. Everyone makes mistakes, yes, but these mistakes

    usually get repeated. If a spouse can see you in utter pain and not stop immediately what they are doing and fix the situation, forget it. It ain't easy, but it's easier to live with yourself, all by yourself, and be prouder of yourself ...if you do. GOD BLESS...PRAYER WORKS WONDERS TOO!

  • Helen

    I guess when your in this kind of a situation you think it's only you that's going through it. How wrong am I.

    I had been with my partner for seven years, we had two children. I knew we had some problems, but I never believed he would cheat on me. He did. He left us for her and a year and a half later he's still with her.

    He still plays games with me because he knows I still have feelings for him. I don't know what they are any more, but I do know that I would never have him back because he has treated me and our children so badly. It's taken all this time to pull myself together and I still take it a day at a time.

    I have no idea how long I will feel this way, but I know it's getting better and I am moving on.

  • Maria

    12/2/09 we celebrated our 9 year anniversary. We adopted a child from Russia 3 years ago after I almost died with a reaction to a medication attempting to get pregnat. We got along, there were no arguments. He lied about going to work out of state on a special assignment for two days. A gut feeling overtook me, I lied and said I had called his work and he had called out sick for 2 days. He admitted going to Canada and meeting an online woman who I find is still married and is nothing like the life we had. He won't confront his family. He lives in Canada with her and is out with no responsibilities. This just came suddenly and I dont know what to do, how I feel anything. My son is my concern. I just dont even know how I feel! But this was unexpected.

  • Anonymous-13

    Reading these posts has been so helpful for me. My husband of seven years left four years ago and I was shattered for a long time. I feel much better now but occasionally I have moments where I am still in disbelief and then I shake my head and let go of the thought. I am surprised and puzzled that I would still have a sense of disbelief that he would walk out as he did. I truly believed that he loved me and that we got along so it's still hard for me to understand how this happened. But maybe I don't need to understand, just to accept. I feel that I have moved on quite a bit but I still have some more moving on to do. I do want to fall in love and share my life with someone again. I am not yet ready but I think I will be soon. There is a part of my heart that still feels shattered and that is the part that still needs to heal. I do know now that it will heal because the pain that I do feel is dull and distant and even memories of him and us are distant now. So I am hopeful that my healing is progressing and that we each have our own time line -- mine is slow and I accept that.

  • Ann butler

    My partner left me 3 months ago after 6 yrs,I really thought we would be together for life.He moved a woman into a flat a few yards away from our house,I see them everyday (She has a baby that isnt his )I am devastated ,Everyone is so shocked at what he has done ,We were in everyones eyes a solid couple,We did everything together.I know i cant go on without him,Im going to sort out things and then i hope go to sleep.

  • doug

    I read all the posts and certainly can relate but it is my wife who is the perpetrator in my case. I saved myself for her, and when she told me it was over, i was in total shock. It was another man that goes to the same church we did and shes still with him. I have tried everything to get over her(except what most men do,go out and have sex with everyone possible)and nothing has worked. i still havent had sex with anyone but her, have plead for God to help me through this, and have done many other many other things including antidepressants psychologists etc. Nothing has worked, i see my kids occasionally but have a hard time even functioning when theyre here and that just makes me feel worse. I have tried but just dont see any end to the pain and suffering. Not all men are bad but I know most of them are, and have tried to avoid men who think as the ones most of you have posted about. I just want it to end. Why wont God help me????

  • Amy

    My husband of five years has just told me that he is not sure he wants to stay married to me. He did this on December 21 2009. I am floored, grieving and unbelievably sad.

  • Lisa

    My husband of three years told me on Dec 22nd that he isnt sure if he loves me anymore, and promptly moved oiut of our house. I am 8 months pregnant with my first child. The bottom fell right out of my world. I am crushed, devastated, and scared to death. He cheated on my before, and I forgave him for it, although I don't believe I really ever trusted him after that. I love him so much, I can't see him coming back and that terrifies me. How do I do this alone?? I am a Christian, and so I have faith that God will help me through this, and yet I am so fearful of being alone. Please pray for me.

  • Anonymous-14

    Oh it's so sad reading this - I am going through it too and it is worse to think that so many others are. Although, comforting as I'm sure we can all get through it

    My fiancee (and partner of 7.5 years) has left me and our 7 month old baby for another woman. We all work in the same place and I knew her, had been to her house several times etc. This has been going on since I was pregnant but there was lots of tooing and froing: he was leaving, wasn't leaving etc. He finally moved out 7 weeks ago.

    One thing is clear to me though - we have to let go of these scumbags and forge ahead with our own lives. I mean they are really not worth it. Eveything I have read on the internet has helped me - concentrate on what you didn't like about him, what is good about you, what does your future hold. Your happiness is not dependent on them. When all is said and done these people were not good enough, they couldn't provide what we deserve and they certainly did not deserve us

    Be strong, don't call them and gradually I hope the memories will fade. This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced but I'm damned if I'll let this low life and his new girlfriend ruin more of my life than they have already. It's a cliche but the best revenge is to be happy yourself - I'm going to strive for that every single day! People tell you it will get better and it does, I know it will be slow but just as long as you can see the progress (perhaps not thinking about them for just a few minutes is a start!)

    Good luck all and god bless

  • New Decade

    I am so glad that I have come across this web site. Let me tell you the pain is worse than giving birth naturally! I have been married for 19 yrs., and we have a son. My husband asked me twice for a divorce. Once in November '08, and then April '09. I'm a firm believer in working on your marriage, and trying to keep the family together. He is 48 and I'm 49. The sad part is that we started our relationship without anything. We built this great future through a lot of struggle and strength. My husband is a well know Psychiatrist which now we should have been enjoying the fruits. Well it goes to show you-that quite never happens. He came home one day and said "I don't want to be a family man, and I don't want to be married." I was shocked and angry that he had an option. He ended up running with a Pharmaceutical whore who pushes drugs to doctors so they can perscribe more to their patients, and they advance in their industry. He has devastated my life as well as his only child. I begged him to please let attend councelling/therapy for couples anything. The mighty Psychiatrist said "NO". They don't always practice what they preach! It is at times very hard not to think about him. He was the love of my life, and I made him who he which is more devastating. Now I'm faced with being a Mom and a Dad. I haven't worked in many years. At times I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. My fear of uncertainty cripples me. I hope and pray to God that he will guide me and my son down the proper path. I have no family. Friends are not willing to hear you when your heart/soul is bleeding/shredded. I hope all who read this will give them some courage that we have no other choice but to move forward. Remember.......sorrow looks behind, fear looks around and faith looks up :) Happy New Year to all!

  • Anonymous-15

    Have read all through the Internet I am gutted and devasted my partner left me the day after xmas and our seven year old child. Things were not right between us as I caught him with another woman in March of this year. He came back told me they were finished but they never stopped contact she would text I love you etc phone when she knew he was with me he did not ans but it caused rows between us. I know when he left he went straight to her even though he denies this. He still tells me he loves me as he is leaving then ignores my calls or texts ans when it suits. He tries to blame me for us finishing. I nearly ended up with a nervous breakdown. I am nine months knowing we are going to split up and I still cant let go even though I know I have to. He has already.

  • Kristy

    I'm praying for all those who are going through hard times because their partner left them. My boyfriend moved out 3 months ago, after we were together for 3 years. His mother was always intruding in on our life and it drove me crazy. And of course he left me and moved in with her. An adult man back with his mother. We had a big fight about her and then he was just gone. I know I'm better off, but my heart still aches. And he's still in my dreams.

  • Johnathan

    Hey Doug, I just wanted to let you know that I am joining with you in prayer. GOD is helping you! I know from my own experience, had GOD not been helping me, I would have ended my life! Sometimes we get so focused on the rain, that we can't see the sunshine, even though it is right in front of us. GOD has a plan, and you are part of it. Just trust HIM, talk to him, follow him! If I can ever help, feel free to contact me Johnathan@YoungHarmony.com (www.YoungHarmony.com) or 888-291-7161.

    GOD's Blessings on each of you suffering!

    Johnathan Bond

  • JoAnn

    I am very sad to hear of so many good people going through this pain and suffering. I am a year and a half into being left after 22 years of a wonderful marriage. I was dismissed by an email. My husband had his vasectomy reversed with his Russian translator during a business trip over 4 years ago. My three sons and I have not seen him since. Do not give up on life! Surround yourself with caring and loving friends, family and if you can afford it, professional support. Practice plenty of self-care at this time. Comfort yourself as you would your own child. Cradle your heart with compassion. Make yourself eat nutritious foods, go for long walks, buy yourself flowers. Allow yourself to grieve and mourn for as long as it takes. That grieving time honors you and your loss. I have sought wisdom through my reading. "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson helped. So did "Forgive For Good" by Fred Luskin. Gain strength from whatever faith you practice. You will find the word "compassion" repeated in the works of all faiths. Apply compassion to yourself above all others at this time. You will get through this. When you are going through a sorrow, trauma or loss you think you will never feel anything other than the sadness you are feeling. Think back on any other sad time. It's in the past, isn't it a past that you did get through. It's easy to believe that any feeling this heavy on your heart will last forever. It won't. It is not permanent. You will smile and be happy again. Maybe a smile will come only once a month but soon those smiles will chain together and happen more and more often. Do not give the spouse, lover or partner any more thought. This is hard to do but you have to master your mind. When you find yourself missing him/her say, "OK, that's enough, go away." Try to distract yourself as you would a child. Do not allow your betrayer to have any more space in your mind. They do not deserve to reside there or in your heart any longer. Wish them well and keep saying "good-bye". We can all work together to get past this suffering. When you close your eyes, know that you truly are not alone. There are unfortunately many souls who can honestly say they know how you feel. Embrace their empathy. Place your hands on your heart and say, "I will take care of you." I wish I could offer up more healing advice. I send love to you all. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be filled with peace.

  • kit

    We've been married for 5 yrs now. Just recently found out that he is having an affair w/a co worker at first he keeps asking for second chance and I did but later on he keeps telling me not to trust him anymore that i should take care of myself and family first. He doesnt want to give up work and come home either. Sad thing is the girl and I we have the same birthday though she is younger. my husband keeps telling me to wait till he comes home and I shoud give him space. After all we've been through why the sudden change. I love him so much and he use to love me much too. Don't know what to do.

  • newly single mum

    Hello all, its been really good to read your posts and realise i am not alone. My husband of 5 years and partner of 10 walked out last Sunday and said that he had 'got bored and wandered off'- into the bed of another woman who lives in one of the houses that his company built. We have a 3 and 4 year old and he is an excellent father. The problem is that in order for me to move on i just want to never see him again. He is coming over tomorrow to see the kids and i just know that I i wll fall apart all over again. How do i deal with this when i have to see him so often (Wed & Sat)?? I just keep picturing him with her, he wont even admit to his family that he is living with her so they keep thinking that we are getting back together.

    I know that I would be ok if it could just cut him out but he will be in my life forever and i feel like the hurt will be there forever as a result. I cant see myself moving on, i feel like i have no future. I was so happy, completely unaware of his so-called unhappiness. I am trying to be strong for my kids but the truth is that when they go to bed i am alone and thinking about the nice dinner that they might be having or wondering if he has taken her out. How can he just walk away and how can she destroy our family, how will i get over this, i need help! e

  • Anonymous-16

    I am in a very similiar situation to the woman writing 'when will I stop wanting him'. My husband left at the end of November for a woman he has known through work for sometime. We have a 2 year old son and I am still absolutely devastated and can't see the future. We had plans for our future and our son. I still keep thinking that one day he'll realise what he's done, but he is so focused on all the bad things in our relationship that he can't see the good. He was what I thought a totally devoted Dad and cannot work out how he could just leave the way he did. He tells me now that our son is the most important thing in his world, but I cannot see how when he walked away s easily.

  • Lori

    So I just read so many post on here and was shocked to find out that so many people are dealing with the same thing I am. My husband walked out last April, out of the blue, to be with his high school prom date from 20 years ago. He had never said anything or acted any different than normal and our home life was very happy. He left me and our kids and would not even consider trying to discuss this. They reconnected on Facebook and decided they were both unhappy in their marriages and had to be together. He went and picked her and her daughters up from another state and moved them in an apartment with him. My kids and I were absolutely devastated. It's been a horrible 9 months just trying to live through this. He was my best friend! I still miss him even though I have tried to move on. I have to fake being happy and polite to him to keep the kids from hurting more than they have to now. I just want to throw up everytime I see him. If it's not bad enough to be left, being replaced by an entirely new family is gut wrenching. I have finally reached a point where I know it will get better. Although I have been a stay at home mother, I am now trying to get back into the work force after not having worked for almost 10 years. I don't know what is going to happen there. By the way, does anyone know if a supporting spouse leaves and files for divorce thereby causing me to lose health insurance, is there any kind of assistance the uninsured and unemployeed spouse can get in case of illness or injury or will I just have to purchase health insurance on my own? Good luck to all of us dealing with the pain that people who weren't cut out to be true spouses left us with.

  • Terry

    This is SO unbeleivable! First I caught my husband having an affair, then the #$% comes to my house and tells me everything and brings his boxers and shirts and stuff to prove the affair. Then she asked 16 times or more "Are you leaving him yet?" NO! was always my answer. She even offered to pack for me. LOL My husband was 48 and she was 22 when the affair started (GROSS and SICK) She is actually younger than our oldest Son! Then they BOTH say its over. He said for the first 2 weeks that he wanted to work on our marraige but then she shows up a month later and has proof that they talk every day and go to lunch to include him taking her out for her fricken birthday! Anyway, everytime I think it's over I catch them talking on the phone again. This last friday he purchased a go phone and started calling her from that phone number! I know because I searched his car and found it. lol He doesn't deny anything!

    HE NOW WANTS TO MOVE OUT TO "FIGURE THINGS OUT"

    He has never kissed my ass trying to make up for any of this. In fact he will not and can't tell me still that he loves me. He used to tell me daily until the affair started June of 2008 he calls it a "relationship" guess it was.

    His business trips were fake. They were really vacations with her! He started working Saturdays (never did before) only to spend the entire day from morning till night to include many hotels with her! Everything has been all about her since June of 2008. I'm Christian woman and it's SO hard to have faith that this marraige will eventually work out and be better. I know that God can restore our marraige.

    But, now he's leaving and I was laid off as of 1-29-10, we still have 2 Son's at home although they are adults (one works F/T but the other is in college) and we support them.

    We lost our dream home and have been renting a very small condo and the lease ends soon and I have to be out by end of Feb. With no job, no place to go, 2 boys still at home, hopes that my husband will come back I feel like i'm going crazy! I know he's my Soul Mate, apparently I'm not his. I'm SO HURT and DEVISTATED! How cold he do this to ME, to US? and not be remoursefull after 29 years of marraige. 29 years of marraige! We were high school sweethearts and i'm in my late 40's and he's all I've ever been with and all I've ever known. I'm LOST!

  • Cathy

    When I read these stories, my heart breaks for each and every one that has gone through this. I thought I was the only one feeling exactly how everyone describes it. My husband of 16 years kissed me good-bye in the morning, I left for work. When I came home he told me he no longer loved me and our marriage was over. No warning, no signs, nothing! I was devastated, crushed, words can not explain it completely. My security was gone, my plans for the future, the life I knew for so long was over and there was, according to him, nothing I could do about it. This was 4 years ago. It has taken me this long to be able to be in the same room with him and speak in a civil manner. Unfortunately, there is no quick remedy for the pain. You can pack things away, take pictures down, remove it all, but the fact remains that he is still in your heart and only time, a lot of time will take that away. I still remember the good times and think about what our life could have been together. He was too selfish and childish to be a man and act like an adult and deal with what ever issues he had. I'm sorry anyone else had to feel the pain I have felt and still feel at times. Good luck and my prayers are with all you strong women.

  • Anonymous-17

    well i know u all have been through alot but when your husband comes back 3 times in one year and said he loves u and no one else and u wake up one morning to find out that he is gone my husband got my brothers x girl now pregnet the baby will be a year in march we all can fix our marriage and i can tell u where to start send your husbands this message and i bet u he will come back to u it is simple to do weather u send it by email or via mail or text him its a stone fact it will work.....

    Want to tell you that you were right about the breakup...I guess we do need space. Amazingly something wonderful happened recently...I guess when things happen they happen for a reason...You know what?"

    when u send this to him is will all fall into place dont send anything else just this message to him im telling u he will want to know what this is all about try it when he contacts u just ask him how he is doing and then if he asks u what the message was about tell him u have to go and hang up the phone you will be running in his mind making him wonder about the message and u will finally be back together it will work please believe me it will my husband is back with me now all because of the magic in that message this isnt a joke i am for real i wish u all well and hope everything works out for the best in your part thanks

  • newly single mum

    Hi there ladies, i keep reading and seeing that hearts keep breaking every day and it sad as hell!

    In my case I am starting to see a future- i was a strong woman before i met him and 10 years has not weakened me! I have bought a new bed and put it together myself and freel very satisfied with that. We can do things by ourselves, we have just got used to having that support.

    I have been trying to remember the person i was before i met him and she was great! The pain is still there but i will not let it destroy me. He has made his choice and to be honest doesnt seem that happy with it anymore but thats his tough luck. I have 2 gorgeous girls who i want to take care of and be a good example for. I finish my degree in May and want to get a good job that will support us and embrase my independence again.

    I know its hard but its the anger that eats us up, you have to try to let it go or your will never move on. In my case some deep reflection has shown me that the other woman really had nothing to do with it, she was just a gateway for him to leave, we had simply grown apart and i was too busy to notice it.

    Don't try to hang on to whats gone, someone else on here said the best thing to get revenge is to move on and be happy and they were right.

    I wish you all love and strength and hope that you will find someone truly deserving of you and your children but it all takes time x x x x x x

  • Anonymous-18

    I was in a relationship with a man for 4 years. He had cheated on his first two wives but I thought he would never cheat on me how wrong I was. About 6 months ago he had an affair with a co worker and is still in a relationship with her in a very secretive manner. I had to leave my job as this happened in our work place and I was under too much stress to stay. They are just going about their lives as if nothing has happened working for a company where they both have a company car,unlimited petrol, free mobile phs. I on the other hand am about to lose my house as we never lived together I have no claim on anything. I have only been able to find casual work, I feel like I am no help to my children as I am depressed all the time . I have done some vengefull things and I know in other blogs they say the best revenge is to move on and show them how you are happy. I was doing that for a while but cant do it any more I just want to lash out and the anger is eating me up.

  • Anonymous-18

    I was in a relationship with a man for 4 years. He had cheated on his first two wives but I thought he would never cheat on me how wrong I was. About 6 months ago he had an affair with a co worker and is still in a relationship with her in a very secretive manner. I had to leave my job as this happened in our work place and I was under too much stress to stay. They are just going about their lives as if nothing has happened working for a company where they both have a company car,unlimited petrol, free mobile phs. I on the other hand am about to lose my house as we never lived together I have no claim on anything. I have only been able to find casual work, I feel like I am no help to my children as I am depressed all the time . I have done some vengefull things and I know in other blogs they say the best revenge is to move on and show them how you are happy. I was doing that for a while but cant do it any more I just want to lash out and the anger is eating me up.

  • newly single mum

    i feel for you pain, i really do. If he has always been an unfaithful type the only thing that you can do is take comfort in the fact that in a short time he will do the same thing to her. He obviously has something missing within himself and uses women to fill a gap, he needs to identify that missing element before he will ever be happy- he may look like he is happy now but it wont be long before she doesn't offer him what he needs either.

    Try and remember who you were before you met him, put on make-up, do your hair, do whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself and be strong again. You can do it, soon enough SHE will be in your position and he will never go on to live a happy and fulfilled life- that doesn't mean that you cant though. Your financial situation sounds bad but you have kids who rely on you to be strong so you need to sort that out.

    Take it day by day, you will get through it and be stronger for it and only then will you be open to meeting someone who truly deserves you.

    You have my heart felt best wishes, don't let this anger eat you up- SHE is irrelevant, HE is the problem. When you let the anger go you will be able to move on again. x x x

  • Lori

    Wow, there are some incredible women out there. I posted the comment a week or so about my husband leaving after reconnecting with his prom date on Facebook and while reading some of these other posts, I realize more and more that so many people have been hurt just like me and some of you are so strong and supportive. I am amazed at how similar the stories are and how positive some of you can sound which is great while trying to get through these very painful times. I think I am doing so much better most of the time, but then I have to have a conversation with "him" and I am just fallling apart again, feeling that pain like the day he left. Feeling rejected and replaced is humiliating, but losing my best friend has been just plain sad. It seems strange, but I seem to feel more hatred to his girlfriend than I do him and I can only guess that's because she was a wife and mother and must know what this would feel like and didn't mind doing it to me or my kids. It's unforgiveable. However, I just read the comment that was in response to "lost" and you wrote , "SHE is irrelevant, HE is the problem." I love that. It's true so why do I feel more resentment towards the girlfriend. HE IS THE PROBLEM!!!! I hate it when my kids have to go spend time with them. The thought they are forming a relationship with the woman that contributed to them losing their dad is sickening. My son seems to like her more than his dad at this point in time. He is so hurt by his dad and is having problems trying to learn how to sort his feelings. ANyway, you are some strong woman out there and boy how I would love to be in some kind of support group with all of you. The encouragement and kindness really helps to heal. I will pray for all of you and to "lost" hang in there. I'm still living after 9 months, but the first 5 were BAD. Some days I just wondered how I'd make it. These men that do this really don't know the kind of pain they cause and obviously really don't care. They certainly can't be good enough for us.

  • newly single mum

    Hi ladies-

    Lori, its good to see that you are getting through your pain. Its so hard when you have kids and have to keep up the contact. I know what you mean about the resentment to the girlfriend but ultimately it was him that was committed to you and the blame for your failed relationship should rest with him not her.

    My kids are only 3 and 4 and have not met HER yet, i know that will be hard but when they grow up they will know that it was me who took them to school, me who provided, me who cuddled them in the night when they were sad. They will forget about the extra Christmas presents and the Saturday McDonalds visits!

    Its getting easier day by day and I am trying to be the positive person that I always have been.

    Keep busy and keep chatting :0)

    'Lost' are you still with us? I am here for you, i check this page most days so if you want to talk i will respond.

    Love and strength x x

  • Anonymous-19

    My husband one day last month just out of the blue told me things were not working. He said I was horrible to him and that we were just not meant for each other. Needless to say, I was devastated. I begged, pleaded, and changed my behavior. I asked him for counseling. I blamed myself for everything to him and and in my head. He did not want to make things work...he just said I don't know. Now I know the reason why he didn't want to make things work.

    He did not come home for half of last month. He claimed to be at his friends. He said he needed space and I gave that to him. However, I just found proof of him having an ongoing emotional affair with this girl.

    This leads me to believe his absences from home were because he was with her. It completely grosses me out because he still called and text me that he loved me or missed me. When he was home he would lay in bed with me and cuddle me. He made me breakfast and dinners some days during all of this. Was it guilt? Was it he wanted to make things work? I dont know.

    What absolutely kills be through this is the fact he is a changed man in so many ways. He smokes, drinks, gambles and is having an affair with another woman. This is NOT the person I married. He still has not admitted to this affair even though I have my proof.

    I miss the person he was just 6 weeks ago. But I hate who he has become in the last month. My head tells me I need to move on. But my heart remember the 6 good years we shared.

    Thoughts run wild through my head all day long. Did he ever really love me? Was he cheating before? Were things really that bad for him?

    I am very young and I had my whole life planned with him. We were going to be doing big things this year. It's all gone and thrown away. I can't begin to describe the pain I am enduring. It makes you feel like an absolutle piece of s$%^ to think he threw away 6 years for a two dollar whore.

    What was wrong with me? I am a young, good looking, educated, profressional woman. I have my life in order and make an income. I have good morals and values. We had SO much in common. We were perfect for each other and were married two years ago.

    How can you dump 6 years with me for a low-life, going-no-where-in-life slut?

    I just don't get what he sees in her. It makes me feel like a loser for him "choosing" her over his wife and lover of six years. I feel like a failure to all my friends and family. I feel vengeful. I feel sad. I feel depressed. I feel I will not be able to trust another person the rest of my life. He was the one person I NEVER thought could do this to me.

    All I want to know is HOW? I know I will move on...but HOW?

  • Devastated

    My husband left me in October when our son was 2 weeks old. A week later I found out that he had been having an affair with his secretary since June (I was 5 mnths pregnant when it started). I had an idea at the end of my pregnancy bc I found a text from her but he denied it ofcourse and I was 9 months pregnant and hoped that he would stop after our son was born. When I found out he begged me not to through away the past 7 years (married 5). To go to counseling. I did. We worked on our marriage for about 2 months then he left again. I have since found out though that he was never working on the marriage. He was advised by an attorney friend of his to reconcile with me so that I can't use adultery to divorce him and once things are ok with us to then leave me. He did exactly that. He and her never ended their relationship. He lives with her just a few miles down the road from me. She has no job (bc he let her go after I found out) and she has no college degree. She is 26 and he is 31. Im 27, have a college degree, and have a job. Not that having a college degree means anything but I don't understand how someone walks away from a 7 year relationship and 2 wk old son for some girl they've only known for a few weeks??? Im completely completely devastated. I try to hate him. I try to think of the way he treated me while I was pregnant to help with my depression but nothing helps. He won't even answer my text messages or phone calls at night bc he is with her. I only communicate with him regarding our son (who is know 5 months old) so it makes me so mad that he won't acknowledge me bc he is so in love and crazy over her that he doesn't want to make her mad. HOW does someone just completely fall out of love with another?? I mean, it hurts me so bad to think that he just cares nothing about me anymore. Just like that. After everything he has done to me and put me through I still love him. I just don't understand and I don't seem to be getting over it at all. I know it will take lots of time but Im not even able to go 1 day without crying. Please tell me it will get easier.

  • Liz

    It has been so helpful for me to read your stories and I feel for each one of you. I too, have been through the agony of heartbreak and know only too well how to cry those deep tears. Many of you have imparted true pearls of wisdom which I am sure will be of invaluable help to all of us.

    'From the wound comes the healing'. In other words, only those who have been there really know and understand the pain of heartbreak.

    What is very clear is that there are some wonderful women out there, who in the face of great suffering, are still looking after their children and doing their best. I write this from England, but I feel the warmth and support coming from all of you and I send it back to you with all my love.

  • Lori

    That was so sweet Liz. I will be praying for you and all of these other women that have lived through almost unbearable pain and my biggest worry (the never ending pain because of the children and how this has affected them). God will take care of us I know, but it still doesn't make it an easy road. Take care.

  • Elizabeth

    Dear Ladies I am 27 and I just find out today about his affair... " I love her he said"... I said "stay to talk with me about it" He didnt stay and left to work to her (she is his secretary) and I wont see him again for a week... We have been raising a 2 year old girl.. my heart is breaking! My girl she loves him so much. You have given me hope and courage! We are not alone! It hurts and I don't know how to go on after this but I see that you my dear ladies have similar problems and that keeps me going. Thank you and stay strong!

  • sanity

    Wow! I had no idea so many people were facing the issue of the husband living with another woman, yet you still want him back. He left me and 3 young kids 5 days ago. I keep thinking to let him have his space and he will come back home because he will realize what he is missing. I just don't know if that is wise or file for divorce.

  • melisa

    hi girls,

    i'm 31 year old, living in slovakia, my husband is english and 42 and he left me and 2 kids 6 months ago. altough he claims he was not happy with our marriage (we've been together for 12 years!!) and i have to agree the last year was tough, he simply got up and left. we even tried to see a proffesional but he was already seeing somebody else. and of course a colleage, a 20 odd year old. i think some men just cannot have a proper mature partner, they feel they can only communicate with the 'youngsters'... he used to be the best husband in the world, and since we have moved to slovakia he has started to change. especially his efforts towards me and the marriage were slowly dissapearing, it was left onto me to keep this marriage alive. now he has definitelly told he doesn't love me anymore i can actually start moving on and grieving too. it's extremely painfull when you loose a soul mate like i did, and there are days i don't know how to carry on with life, but as the time goes i'm starting to adjust to my new life. i wanted to do everything to save this marriage and get us back on tracks, but you need 2 people to want that!! and since he is somewhere else now, it's my choice to keep crying all this time or start looking at the bright side. we have to be strong for our kids and i truly believe that something good will come along!! we can do this!! don't let them ruin us, i'm sure each man that has done this will eventually regret it!! best of luck to each of you xxx

  • Anonymous-20

    Ladies, you're all wonderful, intelligent, giving, beautiful women.

    Please look in the mirror and say it to yourself. Now say it again. And again. Say it until you can really look at yourself, past all the anguish and torment you feel, past the feelings of betrayal, past anything linked to your time with him...past everything to see that amazing self lurking deep down. You may think it's gone, that he took it away from you, but I swear to you, it's there.

    It was awful when he chose her over me. I couldn't believe it - I wanted to find her and scream at her for being such a....well, no need to post that here. And I hated myself for still loving him. I couldn't move on for almost a year. Therapy was of some help for me - talking it out was a start. It's hard, I know. You want to move on, but how can you? Start by doing one positive thing for yourself and for someone else. We're not all the same - as women, we're our own form of amazing, but my therapist encouraged me to work on my bucket list. Sounds morbid, I know - all the things you want to do before you die. But in a lot of ways, I was able to write out the things I couldn't do with him, that I had always secretly wanted to do, but didn't because he wasn't interested. It still hurts today when I think about it - time really likes to go slow when it comes to the healing process. But being able to find the things that I've always wanted to do and actually do them has given me a sense of power over myself. I still have to look in the mirror and tell myself that my worth is no different than when I met him to now, but I really hope all of you can move on and lead fulfilling, wonderful lives. I hope this is just a bump in the road that leads to other events that in the end...lead you to an even greater happiness. Be well, sisters, and fight for yourself. Because your worth is priceless.

  • ELLY (Phoenix, AZ?

    The cliché, "What goes around, comes around," is the American definition for Karma.

    Karma--from the root kri, "to do"--is the means by which you become the architect of your own destiny. The word karma literally means deed, but implies the entire cycle of cause and its effects. According to the law of karma, every human action--in thought, word, or deed-- inevitably leads to results or consequences, positive or negative, depending upon the quality of the action.

    Karma deals with causality. A specific action leads to a specific result. A positive act will lead to a positive result, hence, to the experience of positive events, may it be in this life or in future ones. On the other hand, negative acts will unavoidably sooner or later lead to suffering. This is the Law of Cause and Effect of itself, because the result will unavoidably correspond to the nature of the cause. For example, if you plant a seed, a certain kind of plant will grow from this. From a bean seed, a bean plant will grow from an apple seed an apple tree will grow and not any other kind. The effects of a deed, word or thought, sometimes are immediate but in some cases many days, months, years or lives elapse until the precise time comes about. Buddha said: "Our good and evil deeds follow us continually like shadows."

    You need to remember that thoughts and words are also considered as karma. To desire is also a sort of action, so you need to be very aware of your bad desires to get rid of them immediately. Negative emotions such as anger, hatred, envy, egoism, jealousy, etc. are also wrongful actions leading to negative reactions--suffering, so we need to keep in mind that each of our physical, emotional, verbal or mental actions has their repercussions in the whole Universe.

    Negative thoughts or disturbing emotions might emerge every day within us. This is not a sin, but if you permit those detrimental emotions to abide within yourself, strengthening them through wrongful actions, evil thoughts and iniquitous words, then you will be creating negative karma. Your duty is to get rid of those negative thoughts and foolish and senseless emotions as soon as possible. Christ, Buddha, Mohammed and other great souls were not exempt of experiencing evil thoughts, fear, anger, sadness, hatred, egoism, or any other kind of negative emotion, they worked to hastily eradicate those tremendous obstacles in their evolutionary process.

    You need to stop your negative thoughts and emotions so that you can stop negative karma from being accumulated. You generate around 60,000 thoughts every day so it is very important to educate your mind so that you consistently generate positive thoughts that will lead to positive words and actions.

    Not only our actions, but also our omissions become our destiny. The things we needed to do, but did not do, trigger reactions that may develop into events of grave concern. For example, my grandmother was very ill on Sunday, but I decided not to visit her on that day because I preferred going to the movies. Days went by and three days later she dies, so I didn't visit her. This action will trigger adverse reactions in my destiny, because it was my moral duty to drop by her house in order to give her optimism and spiritual strength through affectionate actions and loving words towards her.

    None of us like to suffer and our greatest mistake lies in thinking we need to get through the difficult periods as quickly as possible, not realizing that this experience purifies our soul giving us a chance to evolve at a higher pace. You need to accept suffering with faith, surrender, resignation and humbleness, praying to the Almighty for the purification of your soul and for your spiritual liberation. You need to remember that the hellish moments are preparing you to give birth to something of immeasurable value, spiritual evolution. You need to welcome all circumstances as part of your treasury of opportunity. Many difficulties in your life may draw you magnetically into the valleys of pain in order to shock you out of your old and comfortable grooves into fresh pathways of thought. In every difficulty lies the golden seed of spiritual up lifting change. You gain inner strength and spiritual evolution from the overcoming of difficulties.

    You have resolved millions of different karmas from many past lives, and in only one day you create a lot of new karma through your thoughts, words and actions. Sometimes it is positive, sometimes negative but unfortunately, it is usually negative because you, as a human being, constantly have disturbing thoughts and emotions which seldom result in anything positive, but in wrongful actions. You may act lovingly towards your family, this is your Dharma--duty, consequently you will reap love from your relatives and you will evolve spiritually. If you want love, give unconditional love.

    If you create negative karmas--actions--killing, stealing, lying, criticizing, etc., then you will reap terrible results such as illness, calamities, hardships, or any kind of suffering. The greater the sacrifice and goodness of the action, the greater will be the fruit you receive. Similarly, a negative or mean action, which inflicts pain and suffering to other beings, will bring equivalent results to the doer. For every action, word and thought there will be a reaction--fruit--equal in nature and degree. The Law of Cause and Effect is uninfringeable and no one escapes from it. This law operates in every situation, in every place, at any time within the created Universe, at every level of creation.

  • deceived2times

    I will not go into detail about the lies and treatment I accepted from my ex fiance and his girlfriend that was kind enough. Believe me when I say I have wasted 10 years of my life trying to make him happy and want me again. He obviously didn't want to be with me. I was searching the internet and went to Byron Katie's website and she really helped me realize that I can only control me and my thoughts. So please each of you go to:

    http://www.thework.com/index.asp

    I promise you, that you will feel better. Everyone take control of your life and your thoughts!! Youtube has videos of her you can view.

  • deceived2times

    My first sentence wasn't complete. So here it is:

    I will not go into detail about the lies and treatment that I accepted from my ex-fiance and his girlfriend that was kind enough to knock on my door to let me and my children know she was sleeping with him.

  • not so newly single anymore

    I have moved past the truly emotional stage of my marriage break up but still look over the page every now and then to remind myself that I am not alone.

    I read the piece on Karma. At first I thought - what a load of old rubbish, where is the Karma when he is living the easy life after what he has done?

    I left the page unconvinced and didnt think anymore of it until the usual pick up of the children, after which I am usually a bit pissed and mentally slap her around the face and kick him in the nuts (as you do). Anyway, I was studying for my final exam of my degree and preparing my dissertation submission- the end of 3 years of hard work which was supposed to be the key to our financial future- and in my usual lack of focus, being mentally nudged off track by anger I thought of the 'Karma' piece. Not the 'what goes around comes around' stuff that you always think of but what I had read on this page.

    I began to realise that the negative thoughts in my head were resulting in my lack of focus which was resulting in my lack of revision and potentially in my lack of graduating!!! Karma- the fact that even negative thoughts result in negative outcomes, not just actions. I cant tell you how much its made a difference to me. Now when I have a negative thought (or, ahem, a violent thought) about their relationship I stop and think - hang on, what is this going to result in? If I keep thinking this way I will just have a crap afternoon and a wasted day- and what's the point in that? OK, its not always easy to just push it out of my head but the realisation that the negativity is coming from me and effecting me was a bit mind bending to say the least. Ultimately, me having a crap old time of it does not change his apparently easy life so whats the point?

    The point I am trying to make is, read the bit on Karma again- really read it (not like me the first time) and take it in. It actually works. I got my exam out of the way and handed in a pretty good dissertation so who knows- I doubt I will ace it since my marriage fell apart at such a critical time but I might just have done ok and if not then I will deal with that when I know because there is no point in dwelling on the negative.

    My deepest thanks to the 'Karma' person x

  • strong and sexy 09

    August 28, 2009, a day that I will never forget. My husband of 7 years told me he needed "space". He wants to move out of our apartment, and rent a bedroom just for himself. We had a long discussion of him wanting to find himself, to do his own thing, and just to be alone and worry about himself for a while. This was happening at 2am. It felt so unreal, I thought if I just sleep it off, the morning will be different. It will be normal again. All night I tried to cuddle with him but he refused my touch. He left at 3am and came back around 4am... at 6am, i went to downtown San Diego, prayed to the open sky, begged and cried to all the Saints and Gods to bring him back to me. I called him and asked if this is really what he wants. He strongly answered "yes".

    He was my life, my everything. We were each others friends, Best friends, Lovers, Soulmates, or so i thought.

    In the next couple of weeks, we became strangers. Due to lack of money, we had to still live in the same home. I felt like I died. He wouldnt talk to me. He would come home just to shower, change clothing and then leave. Never having a concern on how I'm doing. Although He could see that i looked miserable. I tried talking to him but he avoided me at all cost. One day I tricked him into thinking that I've left the apartment but I was hiding in the closet. That was the first time i talked to him in weeks... (he tried to run away to not face me). I begged him to get away with me for a vacation and work things out. I suggested marriage counselling. He refused it all. He said he was tired of the married life and that I was too jealous. My ex husband was 6'1, 200 lbs, long blond hair, blue eyes. He's striking and very flirtatious.

    I couldnt follow where he goes because I dont drive. I looked at cell phone records and found out that he was talking to other women. One of whom was his ex gf from high school. It broke my heart into million pieces. He was talking to about 5 women simultaneously. Through his bragging to my brother in laws, I found out that he's been going to bars, strip clubs, clubs and living the single life with his single friends. He wanted "space" to technically freely cheat on me.

    I love him so much that even after that fact, I still went after him.. offering him sexual pleasures, cleaning the house when hes home, cooking him meals I still catered to him as if I was still his wife. I chose to look the other way and forgive him. I did that everyday for 2 months! Until one day I woke up and opened my eyes. And I seen what he was doing to me was wrong. So I got up and started taking care of myself and I started to let him go. I went on a diet, lost 20 lbs, went shopping, bought all new wardrobes and shoes. I paid attention to other men that wanted me. It helped with my self esteem and confidence. What gave me strength was my prayers. I prayed EVERYDAY. At first I asked the infamous question "why". But now i know that what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger! I also learned how to love myself and found myself. I know God, Mother of mercy, Saint Jude, Saint Anthony gave me the strength I needed I didnt even know I have to get through it. I focused on myself and spoiled ME.

    After 3 months of running a muck, he tried to get back together and work on our marriage. But by that time, it was too late. He hurt me so deep that by the time he wanted me, I was gone and never looked back. We tried to work it out, we went to marriage counselling and talked things out. I had so much anger, resentment towards him that I couldnt get pass the things that he done.

    It takes time.. its now 9 months later and I feel like it happened yesterday. Everyday is a struggle but everyday it gets better. Time heals all wounds. I have become a better person because of it. It was the toughest thing Ive ever done but I let him go. I miss him terribly for months. I cried every night or whenever a memory of us enters my mind. It was unbelievable. We seemed so happy. We had fights and arguments but who doesnt? All of our family and friends we're shocked.

    He now has a girlfriend and i feel like I found my soulmate. I am with a guy that adores me from head to toe. It took a while to love again. But you'll get there.

    Stay strong and God bless...

    thanks for reading, i know this is long. but it feels great to let it all out! :) Peace

  • Hayley

    Reading through all your posts i feel for you all i have been there. Easter friday my husband and partner of 10 years left me telling me he married too young and needed to find himself etc 2 days later he was sleeping with someone else and i later found out he meet her the night before he left me and our 3 children (he was a doorman at a bar) he moved in with her and her 3 kids and was playing happy family for a couple of weeks not wanting to see me etc but after awhile he started coming to see our kids and we ended up sleeping togther and going home to her (sickening) it started happening more and more yet he told me he was happy with her etc he was just wanting his cake and eating it too. He told me that he didnt want me to move on until he was over me (ha what a joke) Anyway i slowy started to pick myself up and made a life without him i lost 16kgs and really started taking care of myself inside and out. i focused on being the best mother, friend, person i could i was happy i still was hurt by the loss of the man i thought was my best friend soulmate my everything but its true "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" he started telling me he loved me and that he did want to try make it work with me but couldnt just up and leave her as she had brought him a car which he needed to get to work (the old broken down and wasnt worth fixing and he has a bad credit rating so couldnt get money himself) he said that she would take the car off him if he left her, part of me belived this but then the other part of me knew it was because he knew he could have his cake and eat it too because i "let him" anyway a few weeks later still no change and ild had enough i decided that i had to let him go and get on with life so i did a few days later she txt me asking if we had been togther at all? i told her she needed to ask him that question. (knowing sheld know the answer) she told me she was pregnant! it was a story ild heard before this isnt the 1st time hes left and been with another woman which has resulted in him having a 21/2 year old son with someone else. She wasnt keeping it though and just last week had a termantion (somthing i feel sad about) he took 2 weeks living with his mum to sort out his head and now is saying he wants to try fix our marriage. At 1st i thought maybe it was just because she didnt want him back and that i was just the next best thing but i have seen and heard her begging for him to come back to her which he has told her no im sorry i still love my wife im sorry for lying to you etc. Long story short we are now slowly trying to "make it work" i know some look at me and think i am a silly fool but i feel i have to honour my marriage vows and at least give it one more try with him, He seems remorsful and sorry he has taken all the right steps in proving himself to me like leaving his night job at the bar giving up the bodybuilding he was doing, Booked into counciling and anger managment courses, brought a new sim card for his mobile phone so she can not contact him anymore he just rung me today telling me that he has booked us into realationship counsiling and we start next tuesday (this is somthing i tryed to get him to go to for years). He has done all this and i am willing to try now but i dont know if its going to work out, maybe i dont want to be with someone that could so easly hurt me like that, maybe i cant get over the images of them together, will i ever get the trust back, all questions and worryies i have but i guess time will tell and for now im willing to give it a go. wish me luck thanks for reading

  • dee

    i couldnt stop crying as i was reading all the emails and comments. my boyfriend left three weeks ago and i feel all of the pain a lot of you women have experienced. i am so sorry for everyone. i pray that all of you find the happiness and peace you so deserve. please keep your heads up. i have decided to walk closer to god. please look to him too. much love to all of you.

  • Monica T.

    It's been four years since my husband left me for another woman. He divorced me and a month later she was pregnant with his child. Well that child was born on December 9, 2008. She and he are still together (have been off and on). I now have remarried and my husband now is a wonderful person. I love that God has blessed me! When I was going through the storm, I couldn't see my way...I didn't think that the pain would ever subside. It did! Yes, as a human being I'll have to admit that when I think about how I was so easily discarded, it hurts a bit. However, now I see that everything that happened really was the best thing for me in my life. I don't know if he regrets what he did and honestly, it doesn't matter. I am THANKFUL! I forgive him for me...so that I may have peace in my conscience. I pray that each of you have this same testimony someday. Stay positive (yes, it's hard to do when it first happens and even months after)...but I can assure you that THIS TOO SHALL PASS! Better days are ahead!

  • Anonymous-21

    So many sad stories! This type of awful scenario seems to happen far more often than we know. In my own case, when we met there was an instant attraction, but he told me that he had recently met someone else and that he wanted to see where that would go. I very much respected and appreciated him for disclosing that. Almost any other guy would have taken advantage of the attraction no matter what. I thought about what a great guy he was, and how lucky that girl was that had found him first, and we went our separate ways. Several months later at a concert I ran into him again, and he told me that it hadn't worked out with the other girl and he asked me for a date. We became nearly inseparable for the next 10 years. He was my ideal man always kind and thoughtful and considerate. He told me that he didn't believe in marriage nor want children, and for him I was willing to forego both. Both of us had good jobs and I constantly thanked God for my good fortune and feeling as though I was in a wonderful, safe harbor. Nine years into the relationship the sex stopped. I asked him if there was someone else and he told me no. He had never lied to me before, so of course I believed him. I chalked it up to a probable case of ED and loved him enough to not make an issue of it. Everything else in our relationship went on as usual. Then suddenly, one morning during our tenth year together, he said he had something to tell me. He said that he had not been completely truthful, and that there was someone else that he had been seeing during the past year. It turned out to be his best friend's wife. His friend had found out about it earlier and had divorced her after 27 years of marriage. He told me that he didn't want anything to change between us, but that he wanted to see us both, which may be acceptable in some cultures, but it was not a type of situation that I could handle. Of course I was comletely devastated and hurt and angry, and told him to walk out and never return. After he tried to call me a few times I told him to stop. Although 14 years later I still regret shutting him out, I realize that it was the right thing to do, even though I still do miss him terribly. Not long after we parted ways, he married the other woman and from all accounts they have a wonderful life together. I am happy for his success both in his carreer and with his relationship, yet I believe that I may always lament that I was not the ideal woman for the only one that I've ever known who I believed to be my ideal man. Over time the overwhelming psychic pain of loss has diminished, yet it never has and I fear maybe never will, completely go away.

  • So Sad

    First let me say, I am so happy I found this website. We all feel like we are the only ones this has happened to. It helps to know there are others and you are not alone. My husband of 19 years left a little more than a year ago after I found about his affair that had been going on for 9 months with another married woman. When I confronted him, he told me he know longer loved me, that he loved her and walked out the door. He left me with a 10 year daughter who is also devastated. I begged him to come back and said I would forgive him. He was so nasty and blamed me for his leaving. I honestly never saw it coming. I thought we both loved each other so much. I never ever thought he could hurt me like that. It has been over a year and she is now divorced from her husband and they are living together with her two girls. It hurts so bad sometimes I don't want to go on. He literally walked out the door that day and never came back. I tried over and over to talk to him but he shut me out and just kept saying hurtful things. How can a man you love with all your heart, who you trusted with your life just walk out on his wife and child for someone else. It is a completely and utterly SELFISH act. He keeps trying to take my daughter over to her house to meet her and her kids but up to this point my daughter has protested adamantly. My heart aches for my daughter too. He hurst us both so bad and I have to sit by and watch him be so happy with his new life. It's just soooo hard! When will the pain be over?? Everyone tells me they will never make it as a couple but it seems they are very happy. I often wonder how they can live with themselves with all the hurt they have caused to many people. I am just so sad!

  • whitney

    My husband of 6 years decided he wanted to make me happy and have a family. I was 2 months pregnant and he told me he didnt want to be married and couldnt handle being a dad. I was devistated then, but then i went out to the house to find him with another woman. we are still in battle about it because he says he doesnt know what he wants anymore. But he still talks to her too. what is going on!? He is deployed and i am now 6 months along. I think that i am going nuts.

  • Iwashis

    Hi ladies. All of your comments are really hitting close to home for me. My bf of 5 years(well I met him 5 years ago, had a casual relationship until 2007 when I told him I loved him and that I would no longer have sex with him without a relationship, he agreed to a relationship but repeatedly tried to leave. He left me in 2008 briefly, was probably seeing others the entire time but from around February 2008 until February 2009 he was completely mine and totally in love, then in February of 2009, he felt stressed and moved back to his parents' but came back in May of 2009 and things were great until November when he left again)

    We have been seeing each other daily since the breakup with the only difference being no labels and he lives at home. I've given so much to this relationship and love him so much. Well in May of this year, he apparently met someone 10 years or more younger, I think she's underage because I did the crazy ex gf thing and called her and she lives with her parents and sound young and he mentioned something about someone being 17 almost 18, and to top things off she's pregnant by someone else. I know we've been broken up for a while but I honestly thought since everything else was the same we would reconcile yet he's picking up women who are pregnant and saying that I'm not the one for him even though we were so in love and did everything together. We were best friends. Now he won't even speak to me at all. He told me he is moving on with his life without me and to never contact him again. It's only been 2 days since that but I am crying constantly and can't eat or sleep. I hope that he will realize what he had since this is the first time I completely let go and don't plan on begging him back, if he wants me he'll realize what he had and come back.

    Apologize for the long rant but I needed to get that out.

  • Latasha

    I am currently at this very moment going through this. My husband of only 1 1/2 yrs left me for an woman who he was working with. I recently found out they live together. I checked his email and sure enough he got a receipt showing that he got the cable in his name. We have 3 children together, he took on my oldest from a previous relationship who is 9, and we have two small children together ages 2 and 7 months. I trusted this man and gave him my all-I felt secure with him and safe. He waited until I gave up my apartment, lost my job and car, only to abandon me and my children. To see that other women have gone through this and read their stories of how they overcame it, is so encouraging. I, too am determined to do the same.

    God bless and seek strength in the Lord

  • jay

    We have been together for eleven years married for 7, one stepson. He said hes leaving me because he needs to live his life. Ive discovered from texts emails and facebook this means other women, cheating, claiming hes single and that he did not marry me for love. He says hes not into me anymore. Im devastated. He has been talking to one woman in particular who has been emailing me horrible things that only he could have told her.... Im currently unemployed and at my minds end. During our relationship he refused to work for 2 years and I did EVERYTHING...on my own. Now Im out of work he says he cant do it by himself. He wants to start over clean that its not about another woman, ALL LIES. In fact its lots of women. I believe he sees me as a hindrance, a bother and wants to get rid of me and my son who he never really accepted. Deep down I know its the best thing to let go but it is easier said than done. He has hurt me SO BADLY. He has zoned me out. My eyes hurt from crying so much but my tears just make him angrier. I feel that he actually resents and maybe hates me. Right now I feel trapped because I have nowhere to go and no one to go to for help. He is my everything Ive based my whole life around him and now its come crashing down. Im not the kind of person that lets stuff out so its very hard to talk to family about this. Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage, but little do they know. He has never treated me like wife material and never really wanted to be seen with me. Ive never been made to feel a part of his life while he has always been mine. I cant sleep even when I take sleeping pills to help. I know the pain is supposed to get easier as time goes by but right now it hurts like hell.. I feel so betrayed. He has been my everything. He sits on the sofa and texts other women even when I am there totally ignoring me saying its a friend at all hours of the night...We could not get pregnant although I have a previous child and he has none and he blamed me. He also blamed me for our financial woes, any and everything else is my fault. I pray and pray and pray and even though I know the pain and hurt will not last forever its no consolation to me right now.. I can relate to so many of the other stories here I feel as though its me in the situation.. eleven years.. how am I supposed to do this? He shows no emotion and scoffs at my tears telling me to "deal with it" once telling me when i was crying "can you shut up or leave the bedroom". What is wrong with me for loving someone who treats me this way..Am I so insecure? He says I deserve better he tries to make it seem as though his leaving is not my fault, he will tell all the families it was his fault....DUHHHHHHHHHH. Sometimes I get so angry I just have this feeling of hate for him but I realise that my having this hate will hurt me more in the long run while he is having a good old time "living his life" I do believe in karma, and I know there is a God. I dont wish him bad, really but there might actually be someone out there who will do him what he did to me or worse!!! Right now he is snoring peacefully while I am filled with so much turmoil inside my back aches painfully too.

  • gutted

    I have been with my boyfriend for seven years and he has left me and our three young children i dont know what to do or what to tell my children my heart is breaking for them

  • Anonymous-22

    where to begin? several hrs ago aut of the blue my husband of 31 yrs told me he was leaveing that he hasn't been happy for a while so I ask him is there someone else he says yes that they have been seeing each other for 6 months and are in love and as soon as we can get divorced he will move in with her.I fell as if someone kicked me in my stomach and then just kept on kicking. I will be 50 in one month and this is not what I expected to get for my birthday. I have been a housewife for these last 31 yrs and am leagley blind I don't know what I am going to do. I feel very alone now I feel if he ad of died in a car wreck it would have been easier to take.

  • Anonymous-23

    I am amazed at how many people are going through a similiar situation. Like Lori's husband, my husband of 15 years just left me 4 weeks ago for an ex that he was last with about 16 years ago who looked him up on facebook. He left me 22 days exactly after they first spoke on facebook. He didnt even let me know, he just packed his clothes and left one day while I was working. He moved to another state to be with this woman, she lives with her ex husband and their 4 children. When he left, he took our oldest child (we have 2 children, 14 & 11) with him, I am thankful everyday that my daughter asked to come home and he sent her home. I have already filed for divorce, it's the last thing I wanted but, not sure I have any choice. He quit his job when he left and although I do work, I make a fourth of his former income. Like many of you posters, I am missing not only my husband, but my best friend and it is truly hard. It's sad and honestly, I feel like he died, the person I knew is gone. It's been hard on the kids and I am trying to keep it together for them but, somedays I am a mess. Part of me still feels like this is a horrible dream and eventually I will wake up. So many people tell me to be patient that he will come to his senses but, I can't even let myself believe that. I wish all of us strength and the ability to realize that we are mourning the loss of a life that only we valued. If it had truly mattered, he'd do anything to be here. In the end, the loss is his. Take care and remember that this happened to us but it does not define us.

  • erica

    hi all, i actually came upon this site by way of researching obsessive love. my ex and i had a strictly sexual relationship for about 8 years off and on. he would ask me to make it official but i never wanted to until we had a baby two years ago. he told me he loved me and wanted to have a family and i agreed. i jumped in to the relationship head first, gave him everything i had, and loved him deeper than i have ever loved anyone. then about a year ago he started becoming distant, we stopped having sex, he stopped telling me he loved me. I found emails between him and his ex professing their love for eachother, he said it was just talk but two days later he put all of his clothes in his truck and moved in with her. it then came out that these emails had been goin on for the last 6 mnths of our relationship and they had in his words "an undeniable love for eachother" the last year has been an emotional roller coaster. at times i cant stop calling and texting tryin to see if he's with her and begging him to give me another chance then other times i refuse to answer his calls and avoid any contact with him. the worst part is that he still tells me he loves me, when i ignore him he shows up @ my house or job, but when i give in and agree to see him i end up hurt because he gets what he wants (sex or money) and im an emotional wreck because he's back to ignoring me. the whole thing is a big dramatic mess but the thought of not having him in my life at all hurts just as much as the way i feel knowing he can come sleep with me and then go home to "her"

  • Anonymous-24

    It's been just about two months, my husband literally up and walked out on me and our two kids 6&4. He had been texting another woman who was also married, she left her husband a week before mine walked out on me. Here's the thing girls...don't give them the power. Pull your socks up stop feeling sorry for yourselves, take control of your life and write them off. Easier said than done but do it. Mine is trying to be my "friend" right now while he is still involved with her. Find your self respect and don't let them walk all over you, we all deserve better, and they will get their's. What goes around comes around, Karma is a bit**. Here is a book I have been reading that has helped. Rebuilding when your relationship ends. Read it! We are worth more than what they are willing to give! Good Luck and stay positive, find good friends and family, they will help make all the difference!

  • Sunnie

    I truly understand what each of us are experiencing here. These men act as if they have no since of guilt what so ever. My boyfriend of 8 months left me about 3 months ago. I was so in love with him, and I truly thought he felt the same for me. Untill one day he tells me he needs space. Because he wasnt able to give me all of the time i needed with him.....SURE. Now we as women all know that when a man says he needs space, he just doesnt want to be bothered. So I gave him his space. And found out weeks later him and one of my distant cousins, linked up, thanks to that facebook crap. And now, that's who he's with. And yes, it hurts still. Because I was in love. But time adds perspective to any situation, and it also acts as a bandage. Karma always pays visits.... I just pray that we as women move on with our lives, because apparently we ment nothing to these losers. But there is always a man who would love each and everyone of us, bigger and better..... and i choose to trust that...

  • Anonymous-25

    I've been with my husband for 17 yrs, married for 15 and we have a 6 yr old daughter. I did a search on this topic because I'm feeling so alone, abandoned and beat down right now. I've lost a few days work over the past two months because my eyes have been almost swollen shut from crying and I just don't have the energy to face the world. I even cried two days in a row this week at work whenever I could take a break. I'm normally a strong woman and able to control my emotions pretty well. I am a wreck! It's been two months since I walked in on my husband texting a 21 yr old co-worker (he's 40)! To make matters worse we all work together, though different shifts. She has a better figure than me (of course, no kids and 21 for God's sake), but not much, and she's not cute at all. My husband even called her a mean nickname when she first started because she was "nerdy and homely" looking.

    After I caught him texting, he said he wanted to move out and "figure out why he keeps doing this to me," and "make himself a better person for me." Supposedly he wasn't talking to her anymore and we were going to start counseling. We started counseling and he said he was committed to working through our problems. We had a pre-planned trip to go on and had a fantastic vacation (sex, holding hands, etc). When we returned I accidently (long story, but it really was an accident) stumbled across some emails. They had been writing our whole 11 day vacation. She wrote, I love you at the end of each letter. I was devastated.

    I called him to confront him, but he wouldn't answer his phone. I went over to his new place and he answered the door in his underwear. I went in and started ranting about this and that and, "Why did he tell me he wanted to work things out and that she meant nothing to him." He got a weird look on his face and I asked, "What, is she here?" Sure enough she was. Upstairs in his bed. It took everything I had not to go up and beat the living hell out of her, but I had to think about my daughter and not getting arrested!

    After that he said he still saw a future for us, but he wasn't ready to give up the girl. Why do I give him the option of a future?! Why do marriage vows and keeping your family together only seem to matter to the women?!

    I, of course, agreed to be "friends" and see where things went. I filed for divorce so that he would know I wasn't just going to wait around indefinitely. I think I was also trying to scare him out of his mid-life crisis. It didn't work.

    The past month we've been doing things as a family, kissed a little, almost had sex once and he told me last week he still loved me. We had a great therapy session in which I saw help and tools to work on our relationship. I went over a couple days later to ask him again, please give up the girlfriend and let us at least try to work on our relationship. You can't do that with a girlfriend. He said he would think about it, and that he had already been avoiding her and ignoring her calls more than usual. I had hope my husband was coming back to me.

    A couple days later, this past Sunday, I asked him what his decision was. He said about what. I was floored....I said, about breaking up with your girlfriend. "I didn't know that was under consideration." I still cannot believe those words came out of his mouth. It could not have been more clear. I'm still dumbfounded. I got so angry I wrote some extremely nasty emails to him. I also wrote the girlfriend a rundown of everything bad he's said about her, things we've been doing together, and a little insight into the real him (he's suddenly working out, not drinking as much, cooking) He never lifted a finger in our home and probably worked out about 30 times in 17 yrs. I wanted her to at least have a little discomfort in the relationship and see what she was getting herself into. I knew he would tell her I was crazy and lying, but she'd always have a little doubt. Nothing I said was a lie.

    Needless to say, when I realized how pissed at me he would be, turned into an emotional wreck. He also didn't show up for counseling on Tuesday, which did not help matters. I've been crying whenever I'm alone since Monday (It's now wednesday evening). Why do I feel so bad about the emails, when he's never shown any remorse for this affair? Why is it I can't go to work tomorrow because I know I won't sleep tonight, and my eyes are almost swollen shut anyway? How does this man, who as I mentioned, didn't really do much for me around the house, and turned me down for sex more than I him, make me feel like a f-ing dog who will still go begging for him? I'm so mad at myself...I STILL want him back!

    We did talk tonight and it's all the same. He's really angry at me about the emails, but he did still talk to me off and on for a while. I just imagine he probably had to do some groveling to the gf about the email, trying to convince her I'm lying and none of the physical stuff or counseling ever happened....He's never groveled to me about anything ever! I know I need to get over this man and find someone who will treat me as I deserve....So why is it so hard to stop wanting to invest in my marriage? If he asked me tonight to come home I would let him in a heartbeat. I just want to feel him again, next to me...even if it's just sitting on the couch (where he always is). How do men have the ability to turn a usually strong, self-confident woman into this...A pitiful mess who feels sorry for herself....And how is it that I am aware I shouldn't even consider taking him back, but I do? Anyway, I thought I would post so that other women can see they are not alone in their feelings....and you're not crazy! I can't believe how similar all the posts are. Thank you everyone for posting, and for letting me vent. God bless.

  • Anonymous-26

    This November will be our 20th anniversary... though it will not be celebrated.

    As I begin writing this, the tears are already welling up in my eyes. I cannot believe that this is really my life.

    2009... my husband began traveling for work, often to NYC where he is from. He reunited with friends via facebook and did a lot of heavy drinking. He was becoming more and more distant/detached.

    May 2009, he went to a concert called the dysfunctional family bbq. We had problems in the relationship off and on for quite a while. He is an alcoholic, workaholic, and cannot communicate at all. Anyway... at the concert, he met a "woman" and he left with her, leaving her husband behind. They proceeded to stay at a hotel for 3 nights. I knew nothing that was going on as he told me that he was staying at a friends house to get away. Well, the womans husband left a note on my car telling me about the affair. I fell apart.

    Forward several months... he claims they were just friends and nothing is going on. August 2009... Travels to work again in NYC. Friday, he should be on his way home and I havent heard from him, I had an awful feeling. Finally he calls. He has been involved in an accident, totalled his truck, in jail for DWI, needs 10k bail. Very short call, and no way to call him back. I called the jail and they told me I couldnt get him out until Monday, if that. I called all over looking for a lawyer, after hours. I finally reach one and arrange to meet him near the jail (almost 5 hours from me). I begged n borrowed from friends and family. His father wouldnt give anything, though they have money (once out of jail he bought new tires for my husband/his son) weird if ya ask me. It wasnt tough love either, I think he didnt believe me. So, I borrow from friends, and my mother who has no money to speak of, and I head to NYC. Retained the lawyer, bail reduced to 1000, I bailed him out with him promising to go to rehab.

    Months go by, several visits to court- I drove him, as I said 5 hours from me. He introduced me to several of his friends and even invited them to come visit sometime. He ended up doing about a week in jail, as well as going to rehab for a month. After all was said and done...

    IT TURNED OUT SHE WAS STILL IN THE PICTURE ALL ALONG!

    He used me so awful, I asked him to leave and made arrangements for him to stay at my mothers until he found a place. He agreed to go to marriage counseling and I was very excited. I was nervous though, wondering if he was playing me again, the way he did when he had me bail him out of jail (instead of calling his girlfriend). I asked him if it was a setup and he said just go to the appointment and we will see how things go. I drove him to the appointment, because he had no license, and he did it. He dropped it on me saying he doesnt love me anymore and there is no other woman, that I am crazy. He continued to attend marriage counseling with me after this for 3 more sessions, though the counselor and I couldnt figure out why. Then, February 2010 he went to Florida to visit his parents, and I found out she was in Florida too. He lied and said he didnt know anything about her going there, but again... A LIE. I then told him that staying at my mothers was while we were in counseling and that this situation was inappropriate so he needed to move. He responded by telling me that my mother didnt seem to mind him there and he would leave when he was ready. He did end up finding an apartment, apparantly it was already planned and he and this woman shacked up. I served him with divorce papers, which he didnt sign, because he didnt like the grounds (adultry and cruel and inhuman treatment). I had the papers re-written stating grounds are due to 1 year separation, but I would be purgering myself if I were to sign. Ihave now postponed the divorce because he is on my insurance and having medical problems (I am an IDIOT). He owed 10000 in back taxes, which were filed jointly so now my house has an IRS lein. He closed down his business when he hooked up with the whore... oh, I forgot to mention, she and her husband were swingers for years. Before moving out, my husband made promises to help with unfinished projects at home, but now he says our priority should be to get the taxes and joint bills paid off. I have a dirt back yard that grows nothing but weeds, I have no heat in my home and winter is fast approaching (he cares nothing that his daughter lives here too). All promises are gone and he and his whore are on their 3rd vacation this year. Guess he does have his priorities straight... for the 2 of them and to hell with his daughter and his wife that stood by for 20 years, thick or thin. I used to beg him to be home at least once a week for dinner and not do extra jobs, he didnt have time for that. He is home for the whore EVERY night for dinner. At first I tried to think it wasnt me, it was him, but clearly he was working and drinking and out n about just to avoid me and now I just wonder how many of the 20 years were all an act and that he really wanted out long ago. She has the man I always wanted, and I got the shaft. I JUST WANT TO DIE!

    Life isnt short... its much too long!

  • Annonymous

    Dear "I can't handle this anymore,"

    I just came across your comment as I was desperately searching for help myself... and I want you to know that it really helped me to read what you wrote. Your comments hit home with me.

    I am so so sorry for your pain... but I want you to know that you are not alone... there are others of us out here, we are crying, home alone on a Friday night, we are losing everything that ever meant anything to us, and we don't know where to turn.

    I don't know how to recover from this and I don't know how to heal. I don't even know what decisions to make. But I do know that I need to reach out to you and others who hurt like I do right now... and your comment gives me hope that we can all help each other through our heartbreaks, even if only by annonymous comments on an old website article. Just knowing that there are others out there dealing with similar things helps. There is strength in numbers, I guess.

  • 1merlin1

    I wanted to join in here about the Karma and "thoughts take root" concept. I, too, am struggling to stay sane after my husband of 16 years, suddenly (to me) packed up all his stuff, quit his job and moved to another state, all because he wanted "space", meaning he found someone else on Facebook. He moved away, didn't tell anyone, not me, not our granddaughters, not one mutual acquaintance.

    After reading the posting about Karma, I realized I was still giving him power over my life. Him being a cowardly jerk doesn't excuse my obsessive behavior. Yes, my pain and confusion are a very normal reaction to such betrayal and abandonment, but I clearly have to get a grip on my life before I spiral out of control. Fantasizing about "what ifs" is pointless. He chose a different life.

    I am trying now to act as if I am a widow. That at least allows me to cherish the part of our marriage that was good, and allows me to grieve over what is dead. I struggle every day and have to sometimes take my life minute at a time. But obsessing over him is useless and a waste of my energy. He doesn't deserve any of my attention, good or bad. Letting him go will only help to heal me in the long run.

  • 1merlin1

    Just about the moment I think I'll be OK, I get hit with a panic attack when I think of how my husband abandoned me with no job and no money. This is an overwhelming feeling of dispair. I am trying to monitor my thoughts, like I said in my previous post, but sometimes, I just get panicked and burst into tears.

    I am getting spiritual guidance and it is a tremendous help. There's just times when I can't do anything but FEEL and my mind can't cut through the emotional turmoil.

    Thankfully, I do get a little stronger every day that goes by. Some days are definitly better than others, though.

  • Anonymous

    As I read through these stories and comments...I cry. I know how everyone is feeling.

    The blunt truth: My husband left me for our flowers girls mom, his best friends wife, and I thought a becoming friend of mine. I am 5 months pregnant.I did not see this coming at all! I thought he truely loved me but he says he has something with her that is deeper.They have more.It kills me to think he is going to take care of our baby with her. I don't want it to happen.

    Juts weeks before how all this started. You wouldn't have guessed this was going to happen. I was sitting on his lap in love, I cooked did the daily things I would do for him. Him and I texted eachother beautiful things each day. He got my roses, he made me an appointment to see a masseuse,and he said I love you and thank-you all the time.

    Although he did warn me not to fuck with his friends! I'm just the type of person that doesn't hang out all the time, I'm pregnant, and kept on telling him I'm moving because I wasn't happy with us...wonder why?I always had a feeling there was something more b/n him and her. I think both him and I sabatoged our marriage by him loving her and me being paranoid about him and her. Other than that, I did love him..tried my best. Gave him massages everyday, cooked and cleaned for him, made food for his friends as well, I enjoyed his jam nights he had every second night, let him do whatever he wanted to do.

    He says I gave him the courage to try with her because of how I am and who I am, and also because his best friend and her were on the rock as well.So, he thoguth he would slither his way in there. That everyone said I brought out the worst in him. We had our fights like all couples, and were only married a year (and thought we still need to get to know one another/adjust). The one thing he disliked about me was who I am I guess. He said I don't get along with his friends...not knowing at the time the one friend mostly he was speaking was HER. When he told me he's been in love with her for three years it was a like a boulder hit my chest. Like that was devastating enough..he also mentioned he just married me to forget about her.He lived with them at one time too.It was 5:30 in the morning and had to let work know I wasn't coming in today.

    Like all of you that have similar stories.You wonder...how can he? why? and why did he marry me then? you cry everyday, burst into tears,feel numb like you can't get up, and wake up with bad dreams, wake up earlier than usual, and much more pain that you never wish upon anyone.

    The only thing that motivates me to live on and get up each day is my baby or our baby. I have to live on social assitance for now...just because I can't work right now. I cry way too much to work. It would be good to move on and get up but it wouldn't be fair to work that i am distracted all the time. I tried dating, but that's not working out...I am not ready to move on, and it's not fair to the one your dating.

    There's so much more to it than that, but my mind can't take any more and it's just too much.

    There should be a group or somehting fo rthis type of thing. I wish I could hang with some of you because hanging with normal happy people helps to some extent but they don't how hurt you are at that moment at that second.Do everything you can think of to get over this..make time go by quicker or just relax, put the tv on and cry...let it all out, but try not to get too depressed ok.

  • Anonymous-27

    Wow, where to begin....It's been 6 years since my husband left me for a co-worker. I have come a LONG way in the healing process. He left me 9 months pregnant and with a 3 year old. I have let him go slowly over time, I'd say it took about 4 years to heal and start to feel "normal" again. It breaks my heart and saddens me to say that he still does not have the relationship with our girls that I had hoped at some point would develop. I use to beg him to come see them more often then every other weekend, especially my oldest who was affected more by our divorce. I still to this day do not understand how contact every other weekend with our kids is enough for him. He married HER and they now have 2 children of their own. So, of course their kids will always come first. I pray that I am doing all the right things for my kids. It's all I can do is just be there for my girls.

  • 1merlin1

    Hi everyone,

    It's been about a month and a half since I posted last and have to tell you that there have been great strides forward.

    First: I found an amazing lawyer through a women's advocacy website. She took my case with very little money up front and has moved the divorce along very fast. She has been able to cut through my emotional turmoil and protect my rights, especially when I had no idea what my rights were.

    Second: I am getting weekly spiritual counseling at a very low cost. This has helped me gain the confidence and strength to move forward, and not hold onto the pain.

    Third: I actively look for forward-thinking things to do, such as paint my bedroom, plant an herb garden, walk my dog. I know these sound trivial, but, I am finding peace and joy in these mundane tasks.

    Fourth (and perhaps the most important of all): I'm being GENTLE with myself. This wasn't my fault, I never saw this coming. So, I'm giving myself all that love I channeled to the wrong person. No, it's not perfect, but it's a HUGE step forward. I still have crying jags. I still feel the loss. I allow myself a little time every day to acknowledge them. But, now it doesn't consume my life.

    I hope this helps someone else, because if I hadn't gotten the help I needed I was well on my way to disaster.

  • not so newly single anymore

    Well its been nearly a year since my husband left. In that time I have graduated with a 2:1 degree (one level down from top) , spent a summer with my angels (4&5 year old girls) and started a job on the 1st of November.

    Dealing with him is still hard, not in an 'I still love you' way, just dealing with the pointless lies he continues to tell. My husband is still with the woman he left me for, he is still trying to be my 'friend' only every time I say something he doesn't like he cuts the child support down a little bit more. He wont sign the divorce papers and objects to almost all my requests just to spite me! I have accepted that he is a different man than the one that I fell in love with and it gives me strength to know that I had the best of him, she just has horrible person that he has become.

    I keep focussed on the Karma, try to make decisions for the right reasons- it works too. The times he has done things to spite me have generally resulted in him shooting himself in the foot one way or another.

    I had a 'thing' with a wonderful man, it was brief and although he ticked all the boxes I realised I simply am not ready to concentrate on anyone else at this point in my life. Don't rush yourself, a new relationship will not take away the pain. I last wrote on this page in May 2010 and now see that many more hearts have been broken since then. I hope that anyone reading this post who is in pain might gain a bit of strength knowing that things do get better. Believe in yourself and don't let him take over your thoughts and your destiny. It doesn't matter what he is doing anymore, it only matters what YOU are doing for YOURSELF (and your kids). Things are looking up for me now, I got my first pay packet today and am planning a wonderful Christmas for my girls.

    Look forward not back, keep going, love to you all x x x x x x x x x

  • Elle

    My husband of 12 wonderful years, my soulmate - has found his old school love on the internet, and told me his future is with her... but that years with me were the best what happened to him, that he wants me to be happy, that he'll support me and will do everything for me - except to love me. She is in Russia, they haven't seen each other for 20 years. He is going to be visiting her.

    We have two great kids, they don't know anything yet. We have separated for now - I asked him to move out at least for a month - telling the kids he is out for a business trip. I am torn now between keeping him out of my life - and trying to live together as friends and parents and hoping to ride out this his affair - and, well, divorce if it doesn't work, but at least give it a try. I do want him back, but I'm afraid if I kick him out, he'll never be back.... And - wishful hopes, I know, but what if it is a midlife crisis of his and what if after a couple of visits he does realize this is not working?

    Has anybody done or heard of people doing it? Will I have strength to live in the same house with him while living my life, doing what I like and trying to move on?

    Or should I kick him out?

  • Jess

    My husband has never really been the romantic or cuddling type, but I started to notice a change in him within the last few months. We have been married for 7 years, and our marriage was not a good one to start with, but these past few years have been very good, this past year in particular.

    A few days ago, he was acting particularly distant, so I confronted him about it. He kept saying it was work getting to him, so I let it go for the day. The next day, we took our two daughters (they are 8 and 6, one from a previous relationship) to have their picture taken with Santa, and we went to see my parents after that. When we got home and the girls were in bed, I asked him why he was acting so distant again. And it was then, that he finally admitted to me that he no longer loved me. That he didn't love me when we got married, but he thought that it would change with time. His exact words were, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Other than the fact that you take very good care of the girls, and that you've put up with both my nonsense and my mother's nonsense, there is nothing else that I admire about you". Talk about a stab to your heart and self-esteem.

    I was very hurt and felt like dying, but somehow, from somewhere, came the strength to stay composed to keep discussing his feelings. I suppose the strength came from already having the feeling that something was wrong. He said that there is no other woman, nor did he have the inclination of pursuing any type of relationship, that he wasn't even thinking about it. But I have a feeling that he might be lying. I hate to think that it's because when men want out of a relationship, it's usually because they've either found someone else, or are considering someone else. I listened to what he had to say, but told him that I didn't believe that there wasn't someone else. Mind you, not once during this conversation did he mention that we should split. It was I who decided that it was best that we went our seperate ways, parlty because I was deeply hurt and partly out of anger. He agreed, looking very relieved....that stung even more. A day later, he admitted that he had been feeling this way for sometime, but that he didn't want to say anything. He also mentioned that he was looking for ways to get me upset, so that I would leave, so that it would seem like it was my idea to separate, not his. He also brought up a very painful subject for me.

    Around the month of September, I found out I was pregnant. Originally we decided to keep the baby, and he seemed very excited about it. But I was not in a good place emotionally and we do not have the space for another child, so I decided it was best to have an abortion about two weeks later. He supported me with this decision, however, he really wanted this baby. Throughout this time that I was pregnant, he showed me love, devotion and a lot of support. Every day and night he would tell me, "I love you more and more each day", but after the abortion, it all went down hill. He said he felt very much in love with me, and that he really wanted this baby. I'd hate to think that he's using this decision as an excuse for his change of feelings for me.

    A day ago, after many calm chats about what we should do and how to begin the process of separation, we had sex. He doesn't mind when I want him to hold me and he still holds me at night. I want to believe that it's because he still wants to give our marriage a chance, but since he said he didn't love me when he married me, it only confuses me more.

    Other than the fact that I'm keeping calm and collected and am planning on moving forward, my heart still cries for him and I don't know what to think or do. I've brought up the subject of attending marriage counseling, and he says he would like to, but I don't want him doing it out of feelings of obligation or out of guilt. I'm so lost and am in so much pain. I have moments when I fall apart and others when I feel absolutely nothing.

    I wish I knew of a support group around here.

  • kc

    my bf/fiance told me out of the blue hes not inlove with me anymore we have a two yr old son together. soon i found out hes been with another woman whom he introduced me as his friend and we both invited here over for dinner and drinks to our home. also found out shes been over in our home while i was at work with my fiance and our son. he of course denied he had someone else n later he admitted he had someone. we decided to move back to west coast and of course the girl followed my fiance and now they are both living together. he is involved in our sons life which im happy about . how can he decide to drop everything for new person....they been dating for six months and lived together for two out of the six months they have been dating. i never thought this would ever happen to me. i feel sooo bad for my son. he or any child deserves to live like this.i have gotten better still on an emotional roller coaster rides. just need support to help me go through this.......thank you

  • Jess

    My prior talk was about my husband telling me that he didn't love me anymore, and that there was no other woman. Well, it all came to light today the IS another woman...a co-worker. I knew it all along, but finding out without doubts really hurts. I feel so numb.

  • Been There

    Me too. Married 16 years..3 kids. One child disabled. My husband said I dont love you anymore, found out he met his old high school friend on facebook. Packed up and moved out to another state. At the time I had breast cancer and just lost my job. Lost my home, car and no family/friends (controlling ex) I have only one question, one solution and one comment.

    1. Do they ever regret it? Does Karma really exist? Does it matter?

    2. Who are these women who want married men? Dont they fear they will someday be left. Solution: Sisterhood of women who REFUSE to date married men. Then men will work on committed relationship as no one else wants them (as it shoud be). Scarlet letter was written to address this very issue...it used to be a disgrace. A problem many generations before us have apparently dealt with and tried to rectify with "disgrace"

    3. Out of the fog - I see he was controlling and abusive. I see that I was giving away my power willingly by putting up with bad behavior. What kind of role model for my children was that? What kind of person was I to allow bad behavior? Desperate. Arent those women "desperate" too - for dating men that are cowards to begin with. We didnt know they were cowards when we entered the relationship but they chose to enter the relationship with that knowledge. (Desperate)

    No longer am I desperate - and cling to a man for dependency. I do not date, entertain or even flirt with men who are married. I AM better than him and her. I resisted temptation (hope for a crown someday).

    For today I am crowned by my example of what a REAL woman is .....one who stands up FOR herself, resists temptation, strives to do the right thing and most of all continues to breathe, live and endure the trials and tribulations with her head held high. Yes = my girls have a role model, yes other women look up to me and yes other women trust me around their husbands. Why? I have morals and I stand by them. I am not selfish in my desires for someone elses husband to help with my desperation. I face the fear, let go of the pain and move forward with the faith of a mustard seed. Notice: action. In this I grow, I respect myself, I have no regrets. I am whole.

    In these times facebook and high political officials commiting adultry ( all temptations) - Some will fall, some will wander lost, and some will stand tall. The catagory your in is up to you.

    I am 2 years post divorce. I am going back to school and in one year will get a Masters (I cant believe it). I joined a gym, I am healthy, my children are healthy. We live one day at a time and we face life good and bad together. I was numb. I may not feel happiness just yet but I do feel peace. I am not afraid. I dont walk on eggshells and I dont worry how another persons choices will affect my life. I worry how my choices affect others.

    I chose to face fear, temptation, the unknown and today I STAND TALL.

    Remember when you thought I can't ride a bike without training wheels, I cant possibly swim in the deep end, I cant roller or ice skate? Remember the fear? But you did it anyway. You faced the fear - you did the very thing you thought you could not do. You rode the bike, swam like a fish and roller skated till dark. You beamed - you stood tall and confident.

    Ladies - Ride, Swim, Skate - be twelve again. Trust in yourself - you've been here before. You may get a scratch and some bruises but you will not die.

    If your going to stand for anything - stand for yourself. Then - Pay It Forward. Come back - Share - Pick up the family member or friend that is now where you were. They will seek your counsel because you are strong - your a survivor.

    ~ I Believe In You~

  • Anonymous-28

    How hard and painful it has been. I also ask myself if "the other woman" and my husband feel any regrets for all the damage they caused. Not only he is living with her but has also forgotten about values, being a good father, and the financial responsibility it brings. He left me feeling less than a woman. At this point, I feel proud of all I have accomplished without him, setting a good example for my children as I am dedicating my life to them. They are my strength.

  • Been There

    Long road - I am proud of you too. Yes mine forgot his values as well. My ex did one step worse..he married her, bought a mansion, boat, summer homes, expensive vacations and throws it in my face as well as got away with paying very little for child support. He had a good lawyer and hides his money. Filters it through her. I have very little - in monetary values - I have more in values, morals, children, and respect.

    I was bitter, angry and it was a long road for me too. Really loooonnngg....but here we are - surviving!!

    I guess I am stronger because I dont worry and fear is no longer a burden I carry. BUT I know he carries it now. Fear she will find another married man, fear of rejection, fear and regrets...and someday regrets the children are not there every night for that kiss and to dream with - they have them deep down. And you know what? We dont. We dont regret. We did the right thing. We dont live with fear and remorse. Checkmate. We win. We played the game honest.

    I am very sure you will earn a crown and you can expect great things to come ~if you allow it. The hardest part of all of this is letting go and patience.

    Let go of those dreams you had of that perfect family, house...the expectations...(hard to do)! . Let them go and DARE to dream bigger. DARE to dream different. Then fight for your dreams, never give up hope. Show your kids how its done :)

    ~Open mind, strong will and beautiful soul~

  • Jess

    I keep coming back here to see if I can find some new postings, and I came back today to see what 'BEEN THERE' posted. BEEN THERE, I wish I had the strength and level of self esteem that you now have. I felt strong and willing to move forward, but now I don't know what to do. My husband asked me for a second chance, and I stupidly said yes. The woman with whom he admitted to having a "thing" for is still working with him, and I'm starting to think that I made the wrong choice by agreeing to work it out. The days that I know they work together, they are hell for me. I feel so angry and so alone. I don't know who or where to turn to. I don't want the pity my family will no doubt offer. Somedays I feel like I'm going to fall into a million pieces.

  • Been There

    Feel so alone. You are by far not alone. You are very strong. First, your giving a gift to your husband. The gift of forgiveness. Do you know many people do not possess this gift and have yet to give it? Many lie on their death beds not forgiving family, friends, spouses..how sad and how lonely they are lying there dying - wishing they were as strong as you are today.

    Even if he does not follow through in the end...this gift...it is not really his...see this gift it is really yours. How can you walk away knowing you did not do everything physically, emotionally and spiritually possible to salavage your marriage??

    Once you do this, everything possible and it still does not work out...you are free. Free from regret, free from guilt. You then are whole.

    See anger is healthy and bitter..yes you have the right to feel this way. You have been betrayed. I have my moments of anger too...but hanging on to the anger and bitter is only poisoning me and we deserve WAY better. You are AMAZING...your giving the gift of forgiveness....many many people take their WHOLE lives to learn how to give this gift unselfishly. Caution.here...Forgiveness does not mean to give over and over and have someone take advantage of it but if you give this gift and someone chooses to not treat it preciously then you must learn then to give the next gift...one that is to yourself and Let Go.

    Stand tall - you are strong - your not alone - you are better than her and if your husband can not recognize the angel you are today...someday he will see. I promise you.

    I was not strong for many years...this took time, growth, patience and I still struggle some days. Those days I stop and realize I am not alone...afterall I have me (lol) and if I feel alone it is because I choose to be. So I go...I go out and I stop being afraid..I go to the gym..I say hi to a stranger..I go and volunteer at a homeless shelter...I go to church..I go and seek out some type of happiness...even if its just a little. As I begin to live and I begin to smile again...I notice my ex living more in regret and I notice others are drawn to me..then I notice I am stronger, then guess what? I am not alone!

    This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. There are no manuals to consult, there are no instructions and there is no physical reward. You will feel like giving up and you will have ups and downs. You have the right to feel this way. You have the RIGHT to happiness. You must remember you are a good person...you did not cause this and you must remember that your spouse is an extension of you..not who you are. Expectations are hard to let go of...so I try to change my expectations. Today I dont expect to have a house, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. Today I expect to enjoy the fresh air, my health and expect to reap the rewards when I hear others say...Wow she is someone I can respect and admire.

    See we place to much value in others and not enough in ourselves. To give unconditionally and forgive someone without losing ourselves and to take the high road and do the right thing? Wow....I admire you. I dont know you but I appreciate your morals and character way more than your picket fence. Others will see the same.

    I am sorry for your loss..your loss of security and trust. Your loss of dreams and expectations. Your in a grieving stage..embrace it but dont live there. There are thousands of us just like you.

    I am proud to say I "know" you (virtually anyway). You can teach us how to forgive and then maybe we can teach you how to live. I struggle in the forgiveness department so feel free to share that with me!!

    ~The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong ~ Ghandi

  • Amber

    I know this is not what you hope to hear, and I know your situation is different and I don't anyhow blame or guilt you. But this letter gives me so much hope - that one day the woman who stole my husband after 12 wonderful years of our marriage will be the one searching comfort in forums because he has gone back to his ex...

  • Anonymous-29

    I can't say that it is all of the other womans fault...alot of things were wrong. I changed, he didn't. Already facinated with her. She left her husband to. So my 22 year marraige may be over with....but my beats are on him to cheat first. And he will realize what a mistake he has made. What goes around comes around. God says that vengeance is his.

  • corey

    Jess, I found out my husband of 21 years was having an affair with a co-worker. He wanted to work things out...or so I thought...its really no resolved yet...but he told her to leave us be and she would find a reason to call him or text him everyday. I finally got exasperated when he said he is depressed and sad, I told him to leave. Now, If he comes back (its only been a day) he will have to find a new job. You can't undo an affair and not expect it to happen again. If he truly wants a second chance then he will find another job. Every Mon. ,Tues,and wed. I went throught such hurt knowing they were working together and that he still had feelings for her...that I couldn't take it. I set him free. I'm sure he will realize what a mistake he is making. But it stands, no second chance as long as she is in his life in any way!! Don't feel alone. I'm having such violent mood swings but my friends are helping through it. And God willing, it will work out how it is supose to. Don't feel alone.

  • Broken Hearted

    I really pray for every woman on here who has had to suffer from being left behind-- Especially after being married for so long-- My heart goes out to all of you- I pray the Lord will bless the woman who posted this message from the start and or has been blessing her since such time-

    My situation is very simiular to all of yours the ony difference is-- He never marreid me and or gave me a ring (which I'd ask for at least 12 years)

    I had been in this relationship of nearly 18 years (Would have been going on 18 this October 2011)

    Last year he disappeared after I took him to a family gathering and turned his back on me in the worse way- unlike I could believe-to love and spend his time with someone who works with him and is 12 years younger than him-- I was devestated when I found out why he left me -- it was like he was here one day and gone the next- (for her) no warnings, no conversation.. etc just like that-- He left me Jan 29, 2010 and started this new relationship with her-

    As I have been cheated on by him so many times in our past, I too forgave him each time and tried to never look back -it had become an ongoing ordeal for him to turn his back on me and leave me hurting while he enjoyed his life with another-- The long and short of it -- He recently (back in November started coming around more) being the person I am I let him in and also forgave him for what he did to me this last go round-

    I came to his house back in October to see why he never called me back one night and he was outside with her- I got out of my car walked over to him, asked her how she was doing and he told me to leave that I was not invited!!! I turned and walked away in tears as I began to pull off I hit his car not being able to see well (it was dark outside) from the endless tears falling from my eyes- I said I was sorry (kinda sarcastically) and he told her to call the cops!!!! That really hit me so hard that I had to brace myself for what I was about to encounter next--

    Long story short after that he started telling me he wanted to end it with her and that he was not happy and that it was not easy just walking away from her-- Mind you he found no problem walking away from me after I FAITHFULLY loved him for every bit of 17+ years--!!!! Then he started telling me he loves me more and more-- All of a sudden things seemed as if they would get better-- then he did the unthinkable to me ( I should have known) He spent Saturday with her-- I found out because he never got any of my messages and or called me back mind you we were supposed to be going to the movies the next day--

    At any rate-- It happened to turn out that he called me each day of these past 2 months and then wanted to see me -- I told him to meet me at my family memebr house (just in case) Lucifer tried to strick me again- he did for 30min and guess what-- I asked him to call me when he got in-- He never called since then--The next day he was gone again-- no calls , no replies to my emails-- NOTHING now going on day #4 he is still missing in action-- I left him some really horrible messages, emails, text (which I have asked the Lord to forgive me for doing) I just had to get it all out and off my chest-- The worst message was telling him (Lucifer-- to go back to you know where and leave me alone) I'm done dealing with the nonsense- I'm so hurt that he'd do me like this after all the years I put into loving him-- Im just not surprised any longer at his foul, ruthless and cold blooded ways-- Im glad I didnt sleep with him before he walked out of my life again, something I will no longer allow to happen- I was kinda of strange to me when I saw him last because he looked so ugly to me for some strange reason- He looked really bad I guess to say the least_ I could just see something really eveil lurking in his eyes--Thank you Jesus for allowing me to see through him this time-

    I forgave him too much, loved him dearly and cared for him for nearly half my life and this is where I end up with nothing but a broken heart--

    I wish you all the very best and I pray that we all keep each other in one anothers prayers at all times--

    Im glad I was able to finally see that real women of the world (like myself) really do exist and that we are not alone-- God Bless You All-- With Love From My SOUL-

  • Anonymous-30

    After 20 years of marriage my husband told me he didnt love me anymore said we had drifted I did not see it coming at all I feel like he has died. He has been such a different person and I hardly know him. Tonight he stayed in the spare room becoause the boys were upset because we told them today we are seperating and he had a phone call at 1.3 in the morning i went into the room and he pretended to tell his drunken mate off for calling at theat time but I heard a womans voice. After much persuading it came out that they have been meeting for months she left her husband 5 days ago he doesnt feel this is cheating but they have feelings for each other does he not understand that she is the reason he left because he blames me in all this because I have become a bit clingy in the last few months well obviously my suspicions were right and now I haven't got a clue financially where do I go for help?

  • Anonymous-31

    When it happened to me I called my attorney general (each state has one) and they processed and helped me with very little cost to me. Cant hurt to start there. I am so very sorry. I have been there and the pain is immense. Men really need to change...I know I am raising my son to respect a wife and "cheating" is going to be taught as a big NO NO! I will pray for you.

  • Anonymous-32

    I have been married for 16 year together 20 years. My husband cheated on me for 16 months with the same female, but guess what she wasn't the only one he cheated with. I found out in Sept. 210. I put him out the home. He talked his way back in. Then 1 month later I found out about her. Now I can't get rid of him. I have gone into a deep depression, on medication. I have medical issues that I ampositive came from him have unprotected relations with these women. I have asked for a divorce. I think he believes that I am just kidding. I will never let him into my life again. I will never be in a marriage where there is no trust. So my advice to women is to love youself first, I put him and the kids before myself and now I will always put myself first, because how can i show my kids love when I don't love myself. This has been the hardest thing in my life to deal with. I now know I deserve better. I look forward to like alone to learn who I am and what I want for me!!!!!!

  • Chinchi

    hahaha!!!

    I feel stupit

  • Yuri

    When thye leave suddenly or decide out of nowhere they want out, a divorce, time apart, 99% of the time, there is someone else involved. Read all th stories on here--there is always a third party.

    People always say a husband won't leave his wife for another but we see that's not true on here.

    The pain is unbearable. I hope for my husband it was worth throwing all of our years together for a piece of a** who also was in a long term relationship. I keep thinking and remembering our wedding day, how he lied to my face saying those vows, lied to me, liked to the priest, lied ton all of our guests.

    I want to move through this as fast as possible. Hope she is worth it to him and I hope one day he can feel the excruciating pain he has caused me. Just one inkling of the pain I have felt from all of this. It's heartbreaking.

  • Anonymous-33

    Ladies, mark my words what goes around will come back around. I was the other woman and had an affair with a married man for ten years. He always told me how he wished he was with me, how much he loved me, said terrible things about the wife. However, he claimed he couldnt leave because of their kids, money, and that the two of us would be the only ones happy. It ended two years ago but we remained in contact. Now he left his wife for guess what? A different "other" woman! From what he said the wife is devestated and I've got to tell you so was I. What I did was wrong-he was the first committed man I had a relationship with and the last! A lesson learned-if they cheat and lie to their wives-they will cheat and lie to the other woman too! These men are addicted to the "new/excitment" but guess what? That never lasts!

  • Anonymous-34

    I thought we had an incredibly special, and strong marriage and that my husband was one of the "good guys." To add to the heartbreak, he abandoned me, and moved into what was going to be our apartment, just starting a new, exciting life instead of evening working on things at all. I have never known pain like this. I loved him so much. Our marriage wasn't perfect, our circumstances we not ideal, and I and him have my shortcomings, but what marriage doesn't, you learn to get past those things, it is so hard to understand how he could have thrown me away life a gum wrapper. I feel like I have no idea who he is. So, here I am feeling the most acute pain in my life, trying to hold it together he is starting a new life, without me, with Randee. And to make it worse he can't even talk to me about it, and even though I already saw them kissing!!! He still lies. Even after the gifts, the phone call lists and text messages I have.Its extremely scary to think how someone could be someone entirely different than the person we think they are. How someone can fake emotions and lie for so long and truly be an unkind underneath it all.

    To make it worse my husband accidently sent me a text message meant for her fwd:" Hey you randee, missing you muchos :( I love you so much gorgeous mwah mwah mwah xoxoxoxox"

    My husband meant so much to me, I can't imagine how someone could be so cruel, so heartless to not even speak to me about his affair, not even fess up. I don't know how to have closure without him telling me everything, even though I already know so much I want him to tell me, him to apologize and him to feel regret. I don't understand how he could feel no remorse for what he did, how he destroyed an entire family, years of memories and travels.

    It is nice to see that others understand what I am going through as they are going through it themselves. I truly hope one day my husband realizes how lucky we were and how he gave me up without giving it a fighting chance, to a 20 yr old girl ten yrs younger than me. I am just so broken.

  • 1Merlin1

    I read the most recent comments and I just had to respond. I started commenting on this board last fall, when I found out about the "other woman" and my husband of 15 years moved out of state with no notice, quit his job, took all his stuff when I was at work.

    I wanted to let everyone know....there is hope! When I got over the initial shock I got help through a Divorce Support group. I also found a woman lawyer who, bless her, helped me understand my rights (my husband had me so tied up in knots with his threats I didn't know I had any rights!). I did alot of detective work on my own, found out all about the "woman" he left me for. The discovery process helped me see just how pathetic he was and how obsessed I was becoming.

    I got a grip on myself, faced some hard truths, continued counseling through my church, and am moving forward. And it's so true.....what goes around comes back around again. He has nothing left, lost his house to forclosure, lost his truck to repossession, lost his wife & the best friend he ever had, he now works at a landfill as a mechanic on garbage trucks (honestly, how appropriate is that!!) He's still with "her" but a relationship built on lies & deceit won't last very long.

    The counselling has helped me tremendously. I actively seek out activities that keep me busy, anything to focus on something other than the pain & loss. I am trying very hard to forgive....some days are easier than others and I've come a LONG way from where I was last fall when this all came to a head.

    There is free to low-cost hope out there. Reach out...get help. It will save your life & your sanity.

  • Christine

    It's been a year and a half since my husband out of the blue told me he had fallen in love with another woman, and my world fell apart. He moved out after just two months of "trying to work on things" and has been with her since. I am still in shock, and even though some days are good it still lingers in the back of my head all the time that I was not even worth fighting for. That it was so easy for him to just replace me with this woman who is my complete opposite in every way. We have been best friends and lovers for 13 years, and have 3 children. I felt so close to him always, and for the first 6 months after he moved out he was back and forth claiming to be in love with both of us, and then decided that she was the one. Our friends and families were in shock, and even my doctor said he did not understand anything as we have always been so close. I have waited for them to break up and for him to realize his mistake, but no, they carry on together.

    I miss him, but that part is getting easier to handle. I have good friends and a job I like so everyday life is ok. What I am really struggling with is the feeling that our relationship was never right, that he has been faking it for 13 years, because he has changed so much since he met her. It would have been tough on my self-esteem if she was a beatiful woman, with a kind smile and a wonderful peronality, but she isn't. I have never liked her (even before this happened), she looks horrible and no-one who knows her from work has anything good to say about her. And he still chose her. He has always had high family values, never liked women who looks like something you pick up in a bar, he has never been one for going out every weekend and he has always loved beeng with friends. Now he hardly sees his friends, I can't compete because I dont wear black gipsy make-up and ragged (read sexy?) clothes, and I take care of the children.

    He is in the process of loosing the kids because she is there every time they are, and they don't like it. They want to be with me instead. I managed to get a loan so I own our house and I will probably have the kids fulltime within a short period of time as well. We have talked to the school about the oldest, and they told my ex that our son did not like his new girlfriend at that it would be better for him if they slowed things down. The next weekend he took them all to a cabin in the mountains. Her and her son included. He has not been with the kids one weekend alone since he introduced her. They are together always...

    I am sorry for rambling on, but I need some advice on how to handle the situation. I know I have to fight for the kids, and make sure they are taken care of, but what about me and us? It feels so surreal that he just carries on with her as if everything is perfect, and how he has changed. I feel as if I will never find someone new because I am just a booring woman with kids and a mortage, and it pains me to see him change so much and is giving his love and tenderness to this h...

  • If I could take it back...

    I am the whore, homewrecker, the Jezebel that destroyed a whole family in a few days time. I will always regret making the decision to believe his words, his story, his lies. I love him, I thought he deserved better. I jumped at the chance to have his affection, his attention, his love. To be the one who brought happiness into his life. I was a fool for thinking I was anything other than a misrable, desperate, selfish nobody. I soon realized his wife wasn't the evil monster he portrayed her as being. She wasn't the cause of his unhappiness, he simply blamed her out of convenience.

    Within a few weeks time (of our very first date) he left them foir good and came to me. I had some clue of how this would be seen by others but I felt it was the right thing to do because "she was not the right person for him" and "they didn't love eachother". All Wrong!

    Some years later now, we're both buried in shame for what we did, while he grows distant more everyday.

    I have grown old with regret, with sorrow for his kids, taking a verbal beating from every family member out there and watching him grow to resent me for the reprecussions he never expected. Like how his children don't look up to him like the flawless father they once did. If we continue this relationship, I will never be able to rest. I haven't since the moment it started. I will never be able to be proud of "us". I will never feel the joy of being accepted. I will never trust him. I will always cower down to his ex. I will always feel like a fraud. I am a fraud.

    Choosing to become the other woman to his marraige and then becoming the homewrecker has sealed my fate. I am that, and always will be.

    I wasn't concerned with his children and wife while he was sweeping me off of my feet with all of his grand gestures. I was young. I am young. But not so much anymore. His exwife hates me, her family hates me, their children hate me. And soon, he will hate me too. As I have grown to hate myself and know now what kind of person he is. I fight any joy with my bitterness and am driving us to ruin because this shouldn't be, us together.

    I am sorry to everyone here. I wish I had the courage to apologize to them personally and then leave all of their lives forever but I am staying true to form so I deserve all the torment that comes with that. I am a coward, a louse, a parasite.

    I wish for them to recover from this blow we've given them and for them to leave our pathetic, miserable asses in their happy. stronger, moral dust.

    I want you to know, when you laugh at the other woman in your husband's life, you have every reason to. This is a terrible place to be if you have any conscience at all. And the hope for improvement is nothing compared to the chances of it in your lives. Be strong because you can and because I'm not.

    The mistress' cry:

    ~Bury me forever in my sins, I don't desreve to see light again~

    The Wife's Cry:

    ~Walking high upon my Worth, No purer woman walks this earth~

    I will attest to the truth of this from the other side.

    I am sorry.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: You may be all this, but from my detached perspective, you appear to be being overly harsh with yourself. In your eagerness to be loved years ago you trampled on the emotions and stations of others. This may have been a serious mistake, but it is not a sin you are not an evil person simply because you were eager to be loved and made some ill considered emotionally-driven decisions. Neither do you deserve all the blame for the situation simply because you were the mistress. Your husband made an affirmative choice to leave his family to be with you. It is overreaching, even grandiose of you to make him out to be a passive participant in this train wreck and take all the blame for yourself.

    Rather than beating the crap out of yourself emotionally as you are presently doing, which does *nothing* to address the situation but reinforce your own (in my opinion overly harsh) guilt, please work instead to be kinder and more forgiving of yourself. If you have hurt other people, see about making *amends*.

    You appear to be very rigidly locked into a particular guilty way of seeing this painful situation. It will be difficult for you to make amends or even simply maintain your existing relationships if you are constantly beating yourself up. For this reason, I hope you will consider entering psychotherapy. An effective therapist can help provide you a safe container in which to talk about these issues and a means to get safe feedback about whether the damning conclusions you've reached are reasonable.

  • kc

    its been about nine months since my world came down but time heals all. i didnt believe time would heal but it did emotionally and mentally n physically. ive learned to enjoy myself and enjoy being able to do things without having to discuss or even ask. spend the money i earn whenever and however. i have a better confidence in supporting me and my son. my sons father is very active in his life which i am very thankful for. i came to realize i actually enjouy being single. there are times when my emotions come back and brings me down but i keep myself busy and think about other things to snap out of it. because i know karma will come around, i try not to think too much about my ex and the homewrecker bc i know sooner or later they will get theirs and their relationship is not as perfect as i may think it is. a part of me still want him back and want my family back n i will forgivr him if he ever does come back since my family is more important than my own pride. if he doesnt come back, then its just not meant to be and i know another window will open for to start my family again.

  • chrissy

    I have been reading the posts, and as of most of you, I am also heartbroken. My partner of six years recently left me, and I found out not long after he left that he was with someone else. He has since came back to me and said it was the biggest mistake he had ever made. But now he is once again "taking time for himself". I have been mistreated, I am a strong girl, just finishing nursing school. Have my whole life ahead of me, but still hanging on to the hope that we will be together again. I need the strength to let go, and the stories in this post of women who who married for 16 years gives me strength, but they also break my heart. How can men be so cruel?

  • 1Merlin1

    Hi,

    I just read your response asking how men can be so cruel.....well, yes, they can be cruel, but now I see that my husband was mostly selfish. He wanted what he wanted (no different than our marriage, I gave him everything) I guess he just figured since I was always so accomodating, I should have understood his need for "freedom". It was obliviousness, selfishness, childishness on his part. Yes, and very cold & cruel. But I don't think he will even see the role he played until it happens to him and he feels complete betrayal. I actually don't wish that kind of pain on anyone, not even him.

    I find I just can't be concerned with "how he feels" because then I start getting sentimental and start going soft on him. I have to put "me" first and the granddaughters he didn't even bother to say goodbye to. They are devastated, and deserve my love & attention. He doesn't. He's HER problem now.

  • Jessica

    I found this site because I myself have been going through such tremendous heartache. My husband & I would've been celebrating our 9th anniversary this September (10 yrs together in Dec), but we split last January (2010). We have a 4 year old son & he doesnt care to see him or support him. I don't even know where to begin. He's always cheated and lied, even when I've had evidence he'd still deny it & tell me I'm crazy & that I don't love him because I don't trust him yet he never gave me reason to. He put me through hell when we split. I had to move in with a friend and he kept the apt, made me lose my job, had no license thanks to him controlling me, & he kept my son from me! Long story short ladies...KARMA IS REAL!!! i suffered and loved this man so much. He would make me cry and call me terrible names in front of our son & his friends & would tell everyone I was crazy because I was crying like a little girl he'd say. Yet all along I felt like I was going insane, but he was the one with the real issues and lust so he wanted to make me feel inadequate so he wouldn't feel guilty when he'd cheat. I did everything 4 him. gave up my dreams to be with him thinking I could "fix" him. he has temper issues & lies all the time & smokes pot. Well, I cried & begged & he blamed me 4 not believing in him what nerve! All i ever asked him for was to show me he loved me...Fast forward to this day...I got my job back last year, got my driver's license, got a car, got my son back and he lost it all. He had a great paying job with excellent benefits, but when we split he decided to have his pot dealer move in, can u imagine?! so he got fired, lost his precious SUV, AND got arrested (for drug dealing!) he is now facing 4 felonies (1st time offenses), & i drove with his friend's ex to go pick him up from jail cause he was crying begging his mother to bail him out & that he will change & can't believe what's happened & once he's out he yells at me that same night, makes me cry & shrugs me off! Why didn't he just have his girlfriend help him? It's ok because his life has gone to sh*t...i could not believe that this is the man I married. He would dote on me some days & others treat me horribly for no reason, well, other than he was obviously cheating. I thought he would've been a great father & he was at first. Then, as our son got older he got distant. I have my days when I remember how he was when he was in a "good phase" & I cry & feel so hurt & sad for him, but HE made his choice. Now he has a girlfriend who has been with all of his friends & has a daughter & he's there for them, not his own son. But when i think of it, what can these men possibly offer us, but pain? TRUST ME, Karma pays everyone a visit sooner or later. There's so much more to my story, but I shortened it. I just thank God that my son & I are in good health and the days he emails me that he misses us & would pack up & leave with us anyday i tell myself that he hasn't done anything to prove he truly cares. It's all talk. One day he loves me & wants me, the next, he says he screwed up his life. Oh, but the best part is, he blames me saying since we split he lost it. Yet, he was always up & down and having affairs with anyone who'd oblige him...It hurts some days cause the dream is over and some days I see him for who he really is and other days I feel like I didn't "help" him enough, but we all have choices. and he chose his path...

  • 1Merlin1

    We're survivors. We're picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off and we keep moving. Sure, we feel devastated at times. Most of us never saw the betrayal coming. But we're strong women who will learn and grow and share our strengths with each other......because that's what we do. We care. These men, and the women who are as culpable as them, have chosen to take the low-road. We can move forward with a sense of integrity and honor because we were honest with our men, honored our vows and did the very best we could.

    My marriage is almost over, just a couple of weeks before the divorce is final. And I can finally, honestly say I wouldn't take him back, knowing what I know. I deserve so much better than the way he treated me. And I know in time all of you will feel stronger. I know you are blessed. I know God sees what's happening far greater than we ever can. That restores my faith. Bless you all, take care of yourselves, you deserve to be gentle with yourselves, especially now.

  • Rie

    Hi, I've been reading all the stories and I feel so sad & sorry for you all. I feel like my heart has been smashed into a 1000 pieces right now and I know I shouldn't say this but I want my cheating husband back so much! we've been together 6 years and i've known him 10 in total.

    Xmas just gone, he cheated on me with someone from his work, I knew he'd done something as i could just tell, so i finally got him to admit what he had done (this took wks but i got the truth xmas night!) he had spent the night with her at his works xmas party but they didn't go all the way (due to him not being able to after drinking so much)

    A few years ago I cheated on him!! not to the level he has but I got to close with someone that was a friend, I liked the excitment and attention, at one point I started getting feelings for this person but I knew it was wrong and stopped myself before things went to far. I knew I loved my husband & my marriage so I wasn't about to throw it all away, some people might say I'm just as bad as him. I tell myself that everyday, along with that this is karma but I forgave him at xmas becuase of my own guilt and just never said anything.

    We spoke about how we had drifted for a few months & I worked so hard to get us back on track, we were happy, back to talking about our future to have kids etc, then at the end of March he seemed distant again & after me pushing & pushing he said he needed space!

    He let me think that we were broken and I fought for my marriage with everything I had but he just wouldn't give us or me the chance to show him we could work, so I had no choice but to accept it was over.

    Something didn't feel right & his got very high morals, his so close to his family in a massive way, they are very strong christians (I used to be so jealous of his life but was glad to be part of it) people were saying to me we always thought it would be me that would walk away, which used to make me angry as I wouldn'y walk away from marriage without trying everything to make it work!

    But his mum & dad tried saying to me we should try and salvage a friendship from this and they were truely or are still in shock and devastated from whats happened, as it turned out he'd slept with this person from his work twice and was going to continue seeing her!!! his mum said please don't and i begged him to stop but he turned so cold and distant on me, like I was a stranger

    At the beginning of April I found out i was pregnant, it would have all been perfect as it was our 2nd wedding anniversary at the beginning of may but I lost the baby at 10 weeks (2 weeks ago) this was due to complicatiions.

    About a wk after telling his i was pregnant he came back, saying he wanted his wife back and cried for hours and said he had created a fake world and didn't want to run anymore. he told all his family but the next day he said it was a mistake, but we spoke for about 5 minutes and he broke down again and i know the person I saw was the man i've known for 10 years but he was confused and hates what he has done. he said we could get happiness back as we were so happy and we spoke how we would do this. He told his family he was coming back and asked for there help and support but when it came to telling the other woman he came back and said he couldn't do this and felt he might love her, he had turned cold again!!!

    Since then, we have moved out, his hardly spoken to me and just says he can't be here for me like i want (while going through the miscarriage) but i have never said how i want him to be, i can tell some of the wording is not his, like.... Things are so raw at the moment and by him staying with me would mean me clinging to it!! I know thats not his thinking, i know she has a small part to do with this as he did the dirty but she knew i was pregnant!!!

    I hate it when people say his just changed and this is who he is, because this is NOT who he is, his family have hardly heard from him and hoped he would move back to theres until he got his own place but he is staying at her house!! its like he can't see or speak to any of us apart from her.

    I have had txt's from him, not phone calls nor him asking to see me, to see how I am. i don't feel this is asking for alot. I have not replied to the last txt he sent as i know i deserve better but how far do i take the no contact? I want to work through this but that has to mean him asking for forgiveness and realise what his doing is WRONG!! i don't see how the no contact will help me with this.

    My hormones haven't helped me and I do see that me crying all the time and begging him to give us the chance isn't to attractive, esp as i've always been a very strong woman. But i don't know what else to do as he had convinced himself i didn't want to be with him before xmas and since then he doesn't believe i can forgive him but it feels like his not facing up to the real world at all!!!

    Please can someone give me some advise other than, I should let go as his no good, i know him and this is not who he has ever been! his 29 and has an issue with being 30 and has only had 1 girlfriend before me. I want to get him back as crazy and wrong as it is but the last 10yrs of knowing him outways the last 3 months of him behaving like this, lies change us and facing the truth hurts but there must be a way to make him miss our life and all what we had....???

  • Jen

    I know how you feel, so completely much, I wrote on this wall back in April, as m world had crashed back in February and I wrote here my story,

    I can't explain to you enough that after months and months trying to understand why my husband left over someone else that is 9 years younger who he met at work, who can't even take care of herself....I just believe that once he crossed that line their was no turning back. That he made that choice to not try, I wish every day of my life that he woulda tried, that he would wake up and realize what we had, that some people go their whole lives without that love and once upon a time we were lucky.

    But I don't know I guess sometimes they just don't know how to make their way back or they just can't or won't. People keep telling me you deserve better, let go, move forward, but he is my husband we married each other said our wedding vows, we have memories around every corner, Everything I do reminds me of him, and now all I can think of his him with her sleeping with her, taking her on trips,

    All I can say to you is give him some time to think about things, and try to show him all that he would be missing, the beautiful wonderful you, the you he knows and loves. I know it is so extremely hard and I learned the hard way but don't push him, as I did mine and he just ran further,...But what I am realizing now is that my husband never wanted to try, he had made up his mind and that was it, he cried of course but he said he just wasn't wanting to be married, and I just have to realize why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want me. Your husband he must understand though that relationships even after ten years aren't all roses, love is hard, love is dirty dishes, making time, paying bills and valuing each other, communicating.

    I guess well in my situation my husband just left, literally moved out one day and never looked back, he had been seeing someone for a few months prior which I had no idea! And now I have all the proof in the world:( ANd it boggle my mind that he lied for so long and is still lying to this day, that hurts the most that he just could give me the gods honest truth and own up to his actions. He literally abandoned me, lied, cheated and never ever tried to just say before this all happened, "Jen I am not happy lets work on us" He never tried.

    I wrote him this today,

    "Ben,
    My heart aches because I loved you so so much. Why is it that you just thought she is more important that your whole entire marriage? You had it all Ben, why did you just leave and choose her, nothing between us wasn't so broken we couldn't work through, you just didn't try and for that you will always wonder for the rest of your life if you had tried would we be a family today and be fine, because we woulda been fine. Wy can't you just truly be alone and give up her because was she really worth it all, losing it all......you lied to me for so so long, for months, I knew though...but how could you have made that one choice to cross that invisible line and break our trust forever, break your morals and values and cheat on me, become so unloyal, i know you said sorry and thank you for that, but I sincerely believe that you aren't really sorry right now because lets be honest you are still with her so you can't be sorry, you can't feel my pain or sorrow. You chose to only think of yourself. When I saw you kissing her the other night, even though I had known since last November you were cheating on me, my heart still sank into my chest because you were my ben, we were in love, best friends, and confidants....it is like an outerbody experience to see your husband with another woman, so many emotions go through you. I just want to understand why you truly left your beautiful wife and dogs and an entire family you were close to, all because you wanted her for the time being...we were happy ben, I was upset a lot whe we were having a hard time because I knew about her and that is why we fought so much and you know it, you heard me ask you every day back last October "are you cheating" "why don't you love me" "what is wrong".....we never fought over things worth fighting about and you left really over nothing because if you would of just tried at all, if we had a place and started us we would of been even better I hope, but you chose to never find out, you chose to not go through the woods on the tough path, for the straight path back to the beginning. You will never become a wellrounded person, a person who learned from their mistakes if you don't face yourself now, ....I know it is easier for you to not face me, my pain, to hang up on me and treat me terribly, but one day when it is too late for you to say sorry you will be sitting alone and want to say sorry, want to tell me you were wrong....so tell me now in time, write me now, don't make it too late, I love you more than anything in the entire world, every day of my life I question us and why I feel like you truly never loved me, because I know love Ben, love is work and it isn't giving up or running away, and if you truly loved me, truly cared, you wouldn't of left your beautiful wife and two puppies for a 21 year old girl that has no grace, class or dignity. You may think she is cute now, but her poor spirit will cause her age and in the end she will have nothing left but her spoiled self not knowing how to take care of herself on her own in this world. And that is who you are with....... Please think about all this about us and about what you are doing and open your eyes to everything, don't make it about you all the time, because honestly thats all you can do. Seeing you both together over the past 9 months, has been the hardest thing in my life, seeing you smile with her and party, you just wanted to play you never wanted a real relationship, but ours was one that was so rare and special and you gave it up because you never wanted to try because for whatever reason, partying, drinking and being a kid, going to vegas with her sharing your little hotel room, going all over town with her was more important than your beautiful wife at home who loved you....you will never find a woman who would cherish you as much as me and truly you never will. I miss you terribly, but you died when I saw you kiss her months ago and when you kissed her the other day, I cried for hours when I saw you right there, not even caring about your wife at all, but I realized that you just never cared about me, so I couldn't lose anything really. I hope she was and is worth it.........since you will still stay with her for what ever reason. I hope one day you will call me and tell me everything and say sorry, a true sorry when nothing is in it for you....." That was my letter, he never responded:(

  • kathy

    This is a true story.

    "Joe" was married to "Betty" when I met him at 21 (he was 35). He left Betty and three lovely daughters within a few years (not for me) and married the adorable "Linda" a few years thereafter -- then he immediately started cheating on poor Linda.

    Joe described Betty to all his friends as a "total b----" who had "let herself go" since having children, a lazy, self-pitying slob. Then one day, I met Betty. Guess what?--Betty was model-gorgeous, over six feet tall and the most gracious, poised lady I could imagine!

    Here comes the Karma part: Although she was heartbroken at first for herself and daughters, eventually Betty met "Larry" and they got married, now they're extremely happy and so are their kids and extended family. Joe and Linda, on the other hand, had to relocate a few years back because (as Joe put it) "the neighbors at the old place got nosy and told Linda some things she didn't need to know." It seems like everybody got what they deserved in the end.

    As for me, my husband wanted to abandon me last year but his "other woman" has "another man" and rejected him. I honestly am lost. I left him in October after busting him the year before and making every effort to keep things together -- while he lied, lied, lied, you know the story. And oh by the way, I had been married 27 years when this happened and thought he loved me and our beautiful 2 daughters. Now he says he's "artificial," whatever that means.

  • James kearney

    I would like to say to you all be strong and try move forward in your lifes i know its hard.my wife of 19years walked out on me and our two daughters eight months ago,it felt like a member of my family died,i could not work i lost my self worth .I asked her so many times to come home and give us a chance her answer was always the same no no no.People i know told me to let go thats not easy to do,It turns out she has been with a couple of men and has had one night stands,When i heard this it just added to my pain i never felt so low in all my life,the pain and tears she put my self and our daughters through for this i will never forgive her.I will move on in my life and with time i hope to find a new love, life goes on.We must move with it or it will pass us by.We had good times and bad she only see the bad this is her reason for her actions,I married my wife because i loved her more than life its self.Now i find my self single and i feel lost,Men also cry and feel pain just like woman. We dont like the world to see us cry i dont know why may be you would see us as been weak.So be strong and think off your self and your familys they still need you because the love you.

  • Jen

    Hi James- Upi strpy made me cry, I wrote two comments ago.

    In an odd way it feels comforting in my heart to know that I am not alone and that my unbearable pain is felt similarly by others going through such sadness.

    I hope it gets better, I know time will be the only way it will.

    Thanks james for sharing.

    Sincerely,

    Jen

  • Anonymous-35

    we all have survived something so horrible that at the moment leaves you shaking.then comes the anger that there could be someone so selfish as to not care that theyre destroyng a family.i too went through this,my 35 year old husband left me for a 30year old with other mens children.i couldnt understand why he would ,and her too,do something as awful as leave me with my two babys,i am25,a profesional executive that always helped him economically.let me tell you,they carry theyre packet in life,there is no trust,no real hapiness,and alot of jealousy when you know you started something wrong,while you survive,let go and wow,live comes and lets you taste the sweetness after..trust GOD,he lets everyone feel what they damaged sooner or later.pick up the piezes of yourself and everyday value yourself for what youre worth,let him know the day he sees you what he lost out on,and not what he got saved of.and always respect yourself,i never made a show or went out and looked for the women who had not cared leaving 2babys without the father,i was not at her level because it was i who was the wife-and her the lover.it was i who had a respect for myself and her who had let herself be desvalued...

  • Anonymous-36

    My husband walked out without previous notice after 25 years of marriage without even a glance!! i was devastated as you are for six months spending much of the time fantasizing how he would come back. I quickly though found many projects to occupy myself and increase my self-esteem. Not once did I beg him to come back but let him see how strong on regaining my life I was. I suffered endlessly and it did begin to lessen. When he found the woman he left me for was not so satisfying he came back!! A giant surprise. He is back here full of remorse and I just wish he would change his mind and leave again! I had a life that was on my terms - now we are back on his... A lot of fiends walk-out of their marriages for selfish immature reasons. Maybe you should be glad - give yourself some time - you will be happy, I promise.

  • Ruthie

    My long term relationship ended for the last time in Feb. 2011. He had broken up with me many times over the 9 years we were together. It was the same pattern, he would leave, we would both date others and then call me and beg me to come back. He told me he never loved anyone like he loved me and never would. I always went back thinking he meant it. He promised marriage but would never go through with it. I asked if we could get a house together without marriage, financially it was more than doable, but he would always have a reason why we couldn't. Last Feb. he took me to a concert and on the way home told me he didn't want to be with me anymore and that we could be "friends". Two weeks later I found out he was seeing his neighbor across the hall in the apartment complex we both lived in. Six months later he bought a house with her and they moved in together. Feel really embarrassed and dupped.

  • Tears from the heart

    It is sad to see so many others have to go through so much pain. I lost my best friend 3 weeks before our wedding, after 5yrs together 10yrs of friendship and our 3.5yr old daughter, I supported him through everything he is in the military and was always faithful and dedicated to him and our daughter he returned home that weekend to apply for our marriage license to my horror after planning everything paying out all the money he says he wants to postpone! I was not happy I lost it with him, he then stormed off and said he cant cope with our relationship anymore everything went from perfect to downhill in a matter of seconds.

    He went off and refused to come home the next I saw him he was moving out, he then used the oppertunity that day to post on his facebook profile that he was free and single to all the ladies, I was so humiliated because everyone knew we were to get married and all the invitations were sent out this was the week of the royal wedding so I was beside myself with pain our wedding was to be 2 days before I was devestated I didnt know what to do with myself I didnt understant why he would do this to me to us to our family!

    He then deployed in May and he chose not to see our daughter or actual ask about her for a further 2 months, I sent him some parcels for Fathers day he returned them to sender he then sent me the most disgusting email to say he wish he never met me and his life was ruined because of me. It turned out he was cheating all those years, he asked for forgiveness and asked to try again although hesitant I said ok, within 2 weeks he sent me an email to say he dosnt want to deal with the relationship and said the dreaded I LOVE YOU BUT IM NOT IN LOV WITH YOU cliche'..

    I have never been told that and have never had to deal with it, its never easy knowing the person you love chose to leave. I have no regrets but I wish I didnt love him so much because maybe the hurt would not be so unbearable, I always thought we were soulmates but in truth your soulmate wouldnt hurt you that way. At this time I pray for everyone here who are hurting and I hope you all find closure there was a time I didnt think I would survive the night fearing I would die of a broken heart, its hard having the pain running through you and no painkillers can help you get rid of it I have no solutions to rid the pain but try to remember who you were before that person, I have my up and down days mostly downs but I know this pain will not last forever.

    Prayers with you all

  • Allison

    I am clinging to these stories like a life preserver. Two weeks ago my 11 year old caught my husband of 14 years texting his mistress. Up until then I was "beautiful" "sexy" "he loved me" ... the minute I approached him (he was still texting her at the time !) he turned mean. Said he only stayed with me because he thought he didn't deserve anything better. He wants her - she is hot, sexy, athletic, fun to be with blah blah blah. In the past 2 weeks I have made every mistake listed on every web site - I can't seem to help myself. I begged him to change his mind. I cried. I tried to seduce him, at which point he said I was so sexually repulsive a man couldn't even get turned on by me - i am fat, unfit, old.... (I'm 5'3" and 125lbs ...) I spent 4 days being "the perfect wife" - that made him meaner. I got angry. I cried again. last night I drank too much at a common friends party as I watched him and her together and him telling her how to care for her 3 year old son (while our daughter was at grammas crying her eyes out). I don't know if I made a fool of myself or not - I got too drunk and left. Hopefully, I didn't. But then I ran into his boss while stumbling down the road walking my dog and cried all over him. I just want to die. I am 45 - he is 38, she is 35. I am a professional - he was nothing. I put him through 2 careers, got him to where he is now - and now I am not good enough for him.

    I just want to die. If it weren't for my daughter, I would hop a bus and never come back. I know I shouldn't have drunk, have let myself out of the house. I just hurt so bad. He and his girlfriend took our daughter out for lunch yesterday. My baby came home and said she likes this woman because she was nice to her and she has a cat, and she has a little boy. I feel as if this woman has taken everything from me.

    I am praying. it isn't working. I have cried on all 4 of my friends - after last night they are probably embarassed for me, want me to get over it. I can't find one spark of happiness. After yesterdays lunch, I can't even smile when I think of my daughter - she just says "Mom, dad just likes her better - just get over it, the dog and I still like you." Because she sees a life of happily going to their world, then coming home to a happy Mommy all alone - and I'm mad at her for liking this woman. I know it's wrong. But why do I have to sleep alone and pretend that it's all happy when he's out laughing with her and then having sex with her and raising her son ?

    Please somebody say something to help this pain. It hurts so bad.

    Allison

  • kathy

    Right now I'm sure you can't imagine this but trust me -- some day we will laugh about all of this.

    Your story is tragic. I am terribly sorry it is happening to you. To me it seems to resonates with guilt on your husband's part, he is "making sense" of his bad behavior by "remembering" you as a creepy wife. That's better, from his perspective, than facing up to the reality of what he jerk he's turned out to be.

    I've been separated from my husband of 27 years for almost a year now. Sometimes it does seem as though I'll survive although I'm very angry and sad (he has continued to deny his "karmic connection" was "more than a friend," yeah right). I struggle with feeling as though he stole my life without even giving me the answers I so desperately need, about where it went and what happened to it. Soon I'll have to sign over the deed on our family home of 15 years, on the mountain acreage where our beloved dog lies buried.

    Still! - when I told my oldest and dearest friend that my husband had tearfully told me I came between him and his "karmic connection," she pointed out that really was pretty funny -- which it is. :-) Seeing the humor in it, I figure I must be getting better -- so hang on, you will too.

  • Lisa

    My husband just left me and my 2 children for a girl he works with, we have been married for 11 years i was his first. He just popped the question to me one morning that he had to leave cause he was not happy, so of course i got upset and cried a river as well as my two kids did too, he then talked to me and said that he wanted to see if i really loved him and he wanted to stay and work things out, meanwhile he told me 2 day's before this went on that he had his co worker ride with him on a service call to tell her about his relationship with me and she supposidly told him to find out if i loved him if i did then he should try to make it work. So when we decided to make it work he sent her a message and told her thanks for helping get his marriage back on track, however she didnt seem to like that at all so i questioned him about her anger then he proceeds to tell me he has had feelings for her for 13 months then he just packs up and leaves us, i cant seem to let go it is driving me nuts i love him more then anything and it is tearing my kids apart, is there any chance that maybe he is doing this cause he has been with me since he was 16 and he never experience life and wants to see what it is like? However i cant wait forever on him and sit here tore up everyday what do i do someone please help me and give me the best advice.

  • Allison

    SO going on 4 weeks now ... After 2 weeks of abuse I finally had the guts to tell him to leave. He would come home every day and start drinking and pick fights / insult me until bed time, then say "I'm going to be with someone who appreciates me" and go to her house to sleep with her. I cried myself to sleep every night. Then my therapist aske what I will do when my daughter is 16 and has a boyfriend who calls her ugly and abuses her. I said "I'll tell her to get rid of him - I'll make her.." and she pointed out that my daughter may say "but you put up with it, Mom, just to keep him..." and I knew I had to tell him to get out. So I did. It nearly killed me. Sunday he came over while we were at church and took some of my daughter's toys (and some of his stuff) and some family games and took them home for her and her kid. WHen my daughter found out she was devastated. I was so angry I felt as if I was completely over him. But the next day, he called and told me that he plans to live with her officially now - and it started to bleed all over again.

    I can hardly remember what it felt like to be happy, to feel beautiful and loved - even though it's been less than a month. All I can remember is this pain.

    The only thing that helps is the woman that are coming to me saying that they have survived it, and that they will stand there and help me get to the other side, too.

  • kathy

    Good for you, Allison!

    I also left my drunken husband because our children (both daughters) were watching.

    Good news: They are 23 and 27 so it's a little easier to live with the pain, knowing they somehow got raised and educated.

    Bad news: Their whole lifelong reality is their Mom and Dad together.

    Think what it drag it would be for you to have to leave him after 20 more years of this junk! -- which I did. Continue to be brave and think of the future and the self-respect you are teaching your daughter to have.

    I'm proud of you, reading your message today! Don't feel sorry for your daughter: she has your example to lead and inspire her when (not if) she runs into an unworthy guy. When I saw my older girl struggling with an abusive relationship of her own, I cringed inside to think I'd made it easier and more likely for her to accept it, by putting up with her weird father so many years.

  • Sue

    My husband was an idiot for long time, drinking, insulting me, .. he finally moved out in Dec., A couple yrs back, he mistakingly called me, as he's talking to a friend about how he 'already done Debbie'(he denied it)then about a yr ago,he passed out drunk (on the toilet!) while texting all the "I love you's" to his co-worker, he made up some B.S. then too....he moved out a few mnths later, we have 2 kids 2gether, he never wanted me to work, & was Xtemely jealous, even when I was shopping, anyway, we really don't know who he lives with,he never tells the truth on anything anyways,so I stopped asking... back in Jan, he said we should go out weekly,we would just drink, I would feel somewhat better cuz I thought we'd work ourselves back together... we stopped going out weekly ( by ourselves) .. he would always say he had to work... he only comes by on Sundays, takes the kids out to eat, 16, & 17, & he does ask me if I want to come along,..(out of guilt only) but as soon as he comes over he's already saying he can't stay long... cuz he has to work...it's so obvious he just doesn't care about me, but 2 weeks ago he says he love me...I can't stand the mind games, I used to cry to him (I know ,... what an A-hole I am !)& he'd tell me to stop,... .. I blew up @ him, & told him to stop playing w/ my head ... I felt I was dealing w/ him being gone a few mnths back,.. then he makes it sound as if we're gonna make it... I find myself waiting for his call,.. sometimes 5 days later to ask about the kids.. I want so bad to have my happiness too, I don't know where to find wrk, it's been so long, plus I still have commitments w/ my kids I wouldn't even know when I could say I could work,... I have ALL the memories here, pictures, I constantlly think of our good x's only, & I know there were many more bad X's... but I can't seem to let go, I'm sooo broken hearted,... that life's so great for him, & I'm stuck on stupid waiting for him to care about me,... he never will, I know that but I can't stop hurting... I'm looking for answers to end this pain myself, that's how I found your story,... I know I jumped all around, on telling my story, bottom line we're going through the same, I get upset w/ my kids too, when they go places without me,... it's selfish, I know, but I think of all the promises he gave, & all is forgotten... I'm cracking myself !!! I need a life... so if any thing helps Please pass it on !!! Thanks for letting me go on & on, (& on !!).:) I'm 50, to strange to start over,....HELP !!!

  • Sookie

    I met my ex-boyfriend 5 years ago. We moved in instantly and lived together until 2 months ago when he broke up with me. One day he said he wasn't sure he was "in" love with me anymore and wanted to break up. Words are not enough to describe how devasted I was. All the plans for the future to the garbage. 3 days later I told him I wanted to talk to him and I found out he was with this girl he met some time before who is a fan of him (he plays in a rock band). I was replaced as if I was nothing. I felt (and feel) so bad about it.

    What makes me mad is that he was so happy because he was with this girl he didnt even feel bad for me. He was like "I hope the best to you, be happy, bye" and he was off like it was the easiest thing in the world.

    He left me heart broken, lonely and so so sad. Today, after 2 months he called saying he wanted to see our dog which he loves deeply. I told him that I didnt think it was a good idea because I was afraid if I saw him it would wake up negative feelings in me. He was surprised when I told him that I wasn't all OK with him and the way he plit up with me (so selfish didn't figure out I wasnt as cool with that like him). However he didn't ask why I felt that way, he was just annoyed I didnt let him see our dog.

    Its been 2 months and I dont know how to keep going. I feel so rejected. I know he wasnt good for me but the fact he rejected me and forgot about me after 5 years makes real sad. hes still with this girl, she is just like me when i was "wilder". So I guess he didnt like me anymore and found a substitute. My question is, how do you get over this and how do you manage to keep your heart open for a future love after something like this happen? :(

  • Allison

    OMG Sue. My heart goes out to you. After a week of feeling sorry for myself I read about you with 2 kids and no job, and the man still leading you on, .... and I just want to hug you. Please know that you are NOT alone - everyone on this blog cares about you, and my guess is that so do dozens of people around you that you don't even notice. My saviours are the DOZENS of people that have come out of the shadows in my town with kind words, notes and hugs. Some of them women I hardly know who have approached me with tears in their eyes saying "I remember" and "I will help you". This morning I feel stronger. This week I cried all week. THursday my 11 year old got mad and said "I am sick of you crying and being so negative why can't you be like Dad and #### and be happy and laugh." I wanted to die.

    Then yesterday he came to spend time with our daughter and he first told me that someone phoned his girlfriend's Sergeant (she's a cop) and told on her, and he called her in and told her to stay away from my work place. He said that now all of her cop friends are mad and there will be retalitation, and that he will side with them, that I shouldn't be so unprofessional. He was furious with me. It's like there is no end to this torment. He states flat out that he she is his forever woman and he wants me gone, forever. I spose that's easier than the head games you are being tormented with. I cried all day. This morning, I feel kinda numb.

    The new thing is that before all of my anger was directed at her - but the past 2 days I am angry at him. My boss said that's a good sign that I'm moving forward. SUE - try making a list on paper of the mean things he's done. See if you can switch from sad to angry and cry out angry tears.

    Please write again.

    Allison

  • cjd0514

    I feel each of your pain..3 weeks ago, my husband of 9 yrs called (not even face to face, what a coward) from his job 12 hours away and told me he wanted his freedom, single life, not held accountable, blah, blah, blah, crap, after I caught him in a lie about some late night activity on his debit card. I told him I was going to the bank to report the activity on his card as not being his and said we could press charges after they tracked down the culprits with time stamped PHOTOS, the retard panicked and had a knee jerk reaction. Now look at the mess we are in!! I believe he doesn't know how to stop this run away train now and his pride won't let him face me with this. It took about 3 days for me to figure through phone records that he met someone the weekend before he asked for a divorce (must have been a hell of a piece os a#@, took me another week after that to get him to fess up to bar crawling the last yr of our marriage while he worked out of state (oh but honey, I swear I never messed around on you..pleeze). After seevral lies, he finally came "somewhat" clean on the chick Tara that he met in the bar, he swears they are just friends,,I don't believe him. Then he gets mad that I don't believe him. He gets mad if I don't answer his calls or his texts or if I take too long to text him back. Still wants his cake and eat it too. Meanwhile, I find emails of him telling her how much he loves her and talk about they're sex life,,,shoot me please. ALL of this is unbeliveable and so painful, my heart is broken, I feel I have lost my soulmate and best friend but as someone said in an earlier post soul mates and friends do not treat each other like this. When he calls he is so mean, I am bending over backwards being nice to him and telling him we miss him so much and still love him and he needs to be part of the childrens lives. He says he loves me, but isn't in love with me anymore, but wants us to be best friends. Moron expects to come sleep on the couch when christmas time comes for a couple days so he can see the kids.....u joking right? The way I feel about him right this second is, close your eyes sweetheart, i promise you will wake up in intensive care....As you can see I'm starting to get to the angry stage, I cried several times yesterday and through most of church this morning. I cried for the first two weeks. I agree it is like mourning the death of your marriage and is so painful. Our family and friends (including his family) are in total disbelief, everybody says, he has always been nuts about you and adored you. Well not right now, he is nuts over someone that is 15 yrs younger than that has a 2 yr old and a 5 yr old whose husband is a border patrol officer Can you imagine what he can have done to my husand? LOL Family memebrs and friends, even his lawyer told my lawyer that he is going to try and come back and if that happens I will have a BIG decision to make. My children 16, 16 and 19 do not want him back in my life or theirs. We deserve so much better than what he has to offer us. And the trash he is hooked up with now can have him, what kind of woman wants a man who abanonds his wife and step-children over the phone? I'm a firm believer that you reap what you sow and God's wrath is a harsh one. I've been praying for 8-10 hours a days, in the beginning I prayed for God to bring him back to me, then it changed to touch his heart to love me again, then it changed to touch my heart and help me to deal with him not coming back now it's give me wisdom, strength and patience to get through this and relieve this horrible pain, with an occassional hope he and her die in a tragic car crash...LOL. then I have to ask for foregiveness in my nightly prayers....LOL.. but all in all it will be ok, I will survive, I will love again and it will be so unfair beacuse it will be hard to open my heart up to someone again but that will pass. I have given it to God and whatever his will is. Good thing about all of this? I have a ironclad prenup, EVERYthing is mine, the only thing he has legal rights to is his clothes and his 401k. I can take EVERYTHING from him,,,his truck, the travel trailer he is living in in nowhere, Texas..I even his dog.

    I'm keeping my chin up, carrying a box of kleenex, it will get better just wish I could find that fast forward button.

    Oh and another kicker, my hours at work will be reduced to 20 hrs a week in january. Hubby refuses to give me any $ support, so I may lose my house next year. remind me why I'm NOT leaving skid marks trying to get away from this loser?

    Also, my kids are crazy about him, they where raised by him, they are devasted and hate him now..they are telling people he walked out on us.

    But hubby has told no one except his parents, no friends, no body and he didn't want me telling anyone either. My father swears it's because he doesn't want to close the door on possibly coming back....

    Take Care all,

    I will pray for each of you!

  • Andy

    I am there too - It's exactly the same for gay couples. I adored my man, gave him my everything, and he just decided he wants to be "free" to have "fun"... which for him means doing the whole gsy club and bar thing and meeting guys for casual sex. We are both 40 years old... He lived at home with parents till I met him, and I think he saw me as an escape from a half - life he was leading. The years we spent together we my dream, and now he says he's fallen out of love with me. I feel crippled inside. The thought of him cuddled up to someone else is like having my heart ripped out. It's like thick smoke, I feel like I can't breathe. Life has to go on, but it will never be the same again. I know he will never be back and the finality of that is life a death seal. I know the pain you are talking about, and I wish you all well - we have to go on...however hard it is. I am lucjy to have friends and a good job, and whilst this helps, I am trying to take control of my heart and drag it into some sense of perspective. Big hugs to all of you!

  • Anonymous-37

    Everyone's stories posted here has really affected me. I read every single one of them and wanted to share mine as well. You really think you know someone, but like the saying goes, you only get to know the aspects they share with you, no matter how long you were with your partner. I am in the process of getting divorced, married for 3 1/2 years but in a serious relationshp with him for 10 years. We have a perfect little 3 yr old boy together and my whole world was shattered at the beginning of 2011. I got the "I don't know what I want." speech, but over the 9 months a very different "him" is running around living his life but to this day I still don't have the full blown truth - he denys that there is anything else going on besides the "I was unhappy and it has nothing to do with anything else.". AND Of course there is the typical alleged AFFAIR with someone that is close to the family dynamic which simply adds much more insult to already devastating injury of this situation (she denys it too - but both have shown shady & sneaky behavior this entire time).

    My heart breaks mostly for my son, I'm an adult - I can work to get past this, but the innocenct life being affect because of "confusion" rips apart my soul. I had a great relationship with this man for litterally the entire time up until 9 months ago. Yes typical MINOR disagreements throughout the 10 years, but we really got along very well. We had similar passive personalities, accustomed to the same things, NEVER broke up, always full of respect for our relationship and each other both very loving and caring people. So believe me when his behavior started changing, I was thrusted into a new world as the "issues in his mind" started to come to light.

    The key factor is that he didn't tell me throughout different times in the recent years when certain things or situations bothered him. He just kept quiet - all bottled in even when I would ask at times if he looked upset or troubled - I always communicate very well, I NOW know that he doesn't express his feeling well. (Or AT ALL IN MY CASE & THEN SINGLE_HANDLED DECIDED THAT HE WANTED OUT WHILE I HAD NO IDEA ANYTHING WAS SEVERLY WRONG) He moved out 6 months ago and I knew that although the move was "to clear his head" that was clearly the defining mistake on his part that would completely destroy everything. I'm stronger than I actually feel right now and I will not let this pain and sadness consume me - even though sometimes it feels like it will make me crumble.

    There are so many tactics to use in trying to get past this type of experience - but there really isn't any simple way to face the fact that your family has been dismantled before your eyes and you can't do anything about it!! I'm not perfect - but I really feel that he took my FEW imperfections and used those as reasons to leave me. It hurts more thinking back and see how many times I didn't let his imperfections overshadow my love for him and my family. He clearly didnt' & doesn't love me enough to do the same for me.

    When divorcing there is no easy way to look at the positive. In the moment all you can see is "WOW, I'm worth being divorced from." And it hurts beyond belief to stare at that in the face. And of course the society aspect of it - nothing screams "FAILURE" louder than a divorce does, being that it automatically becomes a public situation."

    I make efforts to keep my son busy and of course that goes hand in hand with distracting myself from the situation I am facing, but the MIND is the most difficult thing to control!!! I'm glad that I know I don't want him back. The way I see it, he is not a spouse that I can count on for the remainder of my life. He is prooving to be a person of extremely weak character with his behavior & choices - ANYONE that walks away from their loving family is a person with SEVERE personal issues. We know that one day they will realize the grave mistake, but I really hope that you all REMAIN strong and value yourself more than giving them another chance at doing this again. Some of you have already experienced that back and forth situation and I'm sure it breaks you apart even more knowing that you fell for it again. I am anxious for the divorce to be final because that will RELEASE me from a lot of emotions. There will still be a lot of work to do on myself to move forward but I rather be single than with a partner who I will condem myself to be walking on eggshells with the rest of my life. The doubt will always linger when you take them back after doing something of this magnitude. I would turn into a life sentence of insecurities, wondering what they're thinking & if they're considering leaving again.

    My son will hopefully have him in his life so that reduces a BIT of my concern, but of course the potential new partners that may come and go is a scary thing to wonder about & something I can't control. . . I am learning to trust in GOD more than ever and I know I will be happy again someday, hopefully sooner than later..

    Time is the key, but learning patience takes SOOOO much effort. Thank you all for sharing your stories, I hope my story and feelings may also help you see the positive opportunities that do come from these experience. Although it may not feel like it now, I'm SURE all these FOOLS are doing us a HUGE favor in the long run. Sending strengthening vibes and hugs to help heal everyone's broken heart. Xoxo

  • Mom of 3

    My story is painful, yet the most profound gift I have ever given. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We never fought, we had a perfect marriage. Well at least we thought so. In April 2011 my husband started to get to know our new neighbor, a woman I adore, and could call my BFF. By May 2011, I could tell there was a deep friendship forming. By August I found out they had a deep love for each other. I found, not intentionally, emails between the two of them. But what I read was amazing. I saw my husband in a way that never before had ever come out. He was in love, true love. And she for him. They expressed concern of hurting me. This was something they could not help. It was that feeling. That unstoppable feeling of love, not lust. I call it a hole in his heart he never knew he had and it was being filled by her sheer existence. I could I fight with that. Why would I want to. My husband and I have had many talks, most with tears. We love each other, but she brings it to another level that he never knew existed. How could I deny him of that? I did a lot of soul searching. A lot of tears were shed. But I realize, if I truly loved him with all I had, I would allow him to have that. Love is a gift, a gift that God gave us. He gave us the apptiude to embrace it and feel it. Now, you are thinking I am really religious, no, I am not. In fact I really don't know what I believe. But what I do know and understand is the whole being of LOVE. He does love me, I know. And he will always be there for me and our kids, no matter what. We will eventually divorce. There is no hasty decisions being made. He will help me get on my feet and start working again after 14 years of being a stay at home mom. Am I scared, hell yeah! But I realize life is short and I understand what it is like to truly love and not being able to have that person. I wont deny him of that gift. Most will never understand. But if you were to hear me talk and feel our love and respect for each other, you would understand. To support ones you love, the path you put yourself on is a better journey.

  • Olivia

    Hi girls!

    God, it's so heart-breaking, but reasurring at the sam time, that I'm not the only on. While reading them, I'm practically reliving your stories, that are so similar to mine. It is great to know that you're not alone, because the pain involved is nothing you can compare it to. Well, I hope writing it down, and having it out in the open helps to start the healing. Well, my bf and I have been together 11 years, not living together, but what I thought was a great, loving relationship. Okay, it wasn't always smooth sailing, but I thought our love and commitment is going to keep us together. About 2 months he became distant. I asked him what's wrong. The dreaded answer: "He loves me, but he's not in love with me." Of course I asked him, if there is some one else. He reassured me there isn't. He became more and more distant, while I was becoming a total nervous wreck. So two weeks ago I finally confronted him, asking him, what he wants, because this is unbearable for me and if he can't changed, we should split. He said okay, and I asked him again, if he had met someone. This time, surprise, surprise....he said: "I met someone, but we don't have a relationship, we just had a coffee a few times". That was when I said, "goodbye, I hope it's worth it. That was two and a half weeks ago, he hasn't called me, I haven't called him, it's over. I'm a mess, can't sleep, can't eat, cry my eyes out. I know I have to forget him, but 11 years.....I don't want this to go on forever. I'm 45, I have to pull myself together. The problem is I can't imagine myself having another man in my life, I totally feel like a loser, ugly, old, etc. (I know I'm not) But how long does this pain last? Please someone give me a little hope!!! Because I'm dying inside.

  • Anonymous-38

    These stories are really sad but at the same time I feel comfort in knowing that I am not alone. My husband of 10 years left me 4 days ago for a woman he met 8 days ago on his way home from a trip. He spent one night with her and came home only to leave me for her. He moved clear across the country for her-only knowing her this small amount of time. We have a son together who turned 9 years old today. He left me here alone to celebrate my childs birthday while he is off having fun in paridise! He moved to florida keys. I am so hurt and broken. He has cheated on me before so I feel like he is searching for something but he tells me this girl is like nothing he has ever been with. He is head over heels in love with her. It breaks my heart so badly as I really love him. I still wish he would call me on the phone and instead of telling me how happy he is with her tell me he made a mistake and wants to come home. I don't know that I could ever take him back BUT just knowing that he regrets his decision would make me feel better. I also wonder if it will work out with this other woman? How do i move on where do i go from here. He also completely destroyed my self esteem our entire relationship by telling me how fat i was and how no man would want me. Really cruel. I obviously have some self esteem problems as well to deal with. I just feel like my life is over.

  • TJ

    I have been divorced for 11 years and can identify with many of you who have posted. I had been in a 33year marriage which I thought was A-OK. My children were 20,28, and 30years old at the time of the divorce. Our youngest daughter died in March. During the years following divorce I had little contact with the ex who filed for the divorce. A year later I was diagnosed with cancer and my children were pretty much aliented by the ex"s parents from me as they had the funds to do so. My daughter had a serious mental illnes and the last several years I tried to work as a team with the ex in helping her. I knew there was a girlfriend but he lied over and over that they were just "friend". She is about 25 years younger than the ex who is now 68. The last 2 months he has been ill and in hospitals. Well, I finally met my replacement and it hurt like an old wound reopening. My self esteem was destroyed as I realized I had failed some how in the marriage but after reading many of the comments here I now know that making it a success should have been 2 people not just me . I truly tried to make it work but now can look back that the ex was a controller, and demeaned and rejected me on a daily basis. Needless to say it was a bitter divorce but I came out stronger and a survivor. I thank God for His help in getting through it. Your comments have brought about the return of my Peace. I no longer am living his lie but have emerged to a new life and found the me that I lost during those 33 years. God bless you all.

  • Anonymous-39

    I found this article online and I was dumbfounded by how similar my story is to the original post. Then i read all of your stories and they brought me to tears. Two months ago I was a young newlywed, married to the love of my life and living my dream. Our relationship had always been far far from perfect but I swore we had something I could never find again and thats why I married this man. My husband has a son with someone else, and when I couldn't get a hold on him one night.. I had a horrible feeling. Long story short I found him at his ex's house. Since then, (other than one night last week he gave in & invited me over) my husband has refused to speak to me. The few times he has he has been horribly mean.. telling me our marriage means nothing and his "family" is all he cares about and he will be divorcing me as soon as he can. How do you be infatuatedly, in love with someone one day and the next you want to be with someone else. I know he loves his son more than anything and has the idea that he is supposed to be with his son's mom because its the right thing to do but I am his wife. We took vows before God. This person worshipped the ground I walked on and was ecstatic to be married to me. I don't know how people treat marriage so disposably. This person had known me for years, knew what struggles I had had in my life, knew how serious marriage is to me, and knew how much I loved and needed him-- and he could care less. I had to leave the apartment I had made my home and move back to my parents. Everyone says time heals all but it feels the opposite. Every weekend I know he is with her, my husband is with someone else.. I can't even swallow the thought. Every day that goes by gets harder. I feel abandoned, worthless, pathetic, hopeless.. every day is a struggle. I have found God and gotten into a church but I can't even get the energy to grasp that. This person has disrespected and embarassed me over and over but yet he is the only person on the earth I want, how sick is that? I don't believe in divorce and when we got married we agreed that isn't an option in marriage but months later it is?? I know I am young and have my whole life to find someone to actually give me the love and adoration I gave him but I just feel like no one gets it. I hate that this is so common. I'm so sorry any of you have to feel like this.

  • Lisa

    I feel like my story is being told over and over. |After 10 years of dedication he left us finally. I never saw the signs and forgave him after one incident with another. after i told him about this pregnancy he basically said abort if i am going to have a hard time because he is not coming back. There was another woman he was courting for 2 months during the difficult time in our relationship. I felt like we had another chance but he would not come back...hes not in love anymore ....we have four children together, and he is now in the arms of another woman while i hold my 3 week old daughter ...she is so beautiful....i had a nervous breakdown , contemplated suicide and embarrassed mywself so many times in front of them both begging him to come home...i called him and her ,tapped into his voicemail and realized im obssessed and scared to start another chapter...things were not that great..i was always alone with the kids, worked full time and did most of the household duties...i know i have issues with anger and my childhood but anyone who loves u will stay and fight for their family and stand by their woman...he seems so happy and claims he is in love and they are planning their future...the other girl has mentioned this to me as well...im so hurt because these are the things i needed from him...and waited for his commitment with marriage but he never committed...i have myself to blame for being so stupid and not seeing the signs....i dont know what to do...the kids dont see him consistently because of all the issues and he is trying to do more for them now then he ever did in 10 years....its over...i dont know where and how to pick up the pieces ...day by day is enuff for now....just trying to stop calling and texting is a battle...ive stooped so low and they probably think im insane but i feel like my family is worth it...the practical side says he is not the one abd count my blessings but i hate seeing him so happy....i feel so inadequate...what could i have done better to change this outcome...its been almost 1 year since they have known each other and she now wants to meet my children and he is all on board because they are committed to each other???? this has been the most difficult pregnancy since i have been alone the whole time by choice....and now to let my children meet another woman??? he seems pret ty serious about her and so soon....im so lost and hurt i look at my daughter and see his face .. please pray for us and to all the ppl who posted i hope you find strength to conquer this season

  • Sara

    I have been reading all kinds of posts, blogs, advice online for months trying to help me in my situation. My story begins with me and my husband were together for 14 years, married for 4 we met as highschool sweethearts and have been through everything and back so many times. We are fairly young 29 and him 32 and we have always had a great life, vacations, nice things tons of friends and social activities. We do not have children and have always discussed how we liked our lifestyle without them. Never once did I think we had a problem but last December I was hit with there is someone else. It was someone he worked with. At this time I believe there was problems with his job and it wasn't going the way he wanted. I believe money was becoming sparce and I told myself that was the problem. I couldn't understand how he wanted something with a woman he worked with who already had two children and I didn't feel compared to me. Enough being said all year long he told me he wanted to fix us yet lied and never stopped with her. It came to a breif halt in August I moved out and took a settlement to stay out of court all while giving him the house I just needed to get away. He has now moved her in. At times he sends me messages and pours his heart out, but then says we just need to see where our lives go. I believe it is manipulation to get what he wants from me and I am torn as to what to do. I think I should just cut off contact and make him suffer or will he even suffer? I just dont understand at all! Can someone please just give me advice.

  • Anonymous-40

    Sara,

    It is commonly believed that, when this type of things happen, there were clues but they were ingnored because they were dismissed as nonsense and, therefore, not paid attention to.

    In any case, it seems to me that it would be difficult to trust him again, if you even tried to reconile. After all, he remains with the other women while he "cries his heart our" to you.

    I know that you want to make him suffer because you are rightly angry. However, that kind of thinking is not helpful or healthy to you. It makes more sense to move on. Of course, you would have to divorce. Now, all of this is strictly my opinion, but it seems to me that it makes more sense for you to cut your ties and move on.

    There are no children involved for you, and you are young and have a future with a man who you can come to trust and have a fulfilling life.

    I wonder what you and other readers think of this opinion?

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-41

    Hello Ladies,

    I read your post and suffered through all the pain for a year. I moved to Ohio after my Husband could not find work in Florida. I left my job and got one up there. He found work rather quick too. I thought wow, this is going to be great. 15 years three teenagers later. Kids were adjusting to the new school, everything was going great! Until I lost my job. I sat home for about 2 weeks after and cooked ,cleaned and did everything for him. He came home every night for a week tired and went stright to bed. The weekend came around and he never came home until 11am the next day, he told me and the kids he was unhappy and he needed to leave. I begged him, the kids cried. I was scared, I knew nobody and had no money, I used all my saving to move there. I sat eeryday looking on the porch, every car that passed I thought it was him, my heart would race and head would pound, and my heart would drop when it was not. I found myself getting back home with the kids and I cryied every night, even drank. I could not believe he would leave, then I get a call from Stephanie the lady he works with telling me she was with him the whole time and he love her. you all know the pain, it is almost uncontrolable hurt, hopeless and dark! I let go, I weighed 96 pounds and my kids were out of control, so I gained my life back. After a year of not seeing him, he drives to Florida with her, and asked us to meet him half way. I was ready to say things to her and him, She knew and was a part of it and the worst thing is she was 13 years older 5 divores later. She was mad because he wanted to see us, so she left and went to Ohio (home) We pulled up in the drive way and he started to cry, he said it was the worst year of his life. I stood my ground for a while (trust me) I did not want to open that flood gate. After 4 months of him showing me and the kids, we let him come home.... By the way Stephine did call everyday upset but Karma is a _________ . The hardest thing for me is not to forgive but to let go. To trust again is going to take a lot of work on my part as well! Good luck ladys I hope there is a happy story for some one to post

  • Jonah

    Firstly, I cant begin to tell you all how reading your stories has struck a nerve with me. Im on the otherside and in my small little town its a growing epidemic for a wife to leave for an older man. In wifes case the man is 18 years older. Her being 32 and him being 50. I am 35 we have 2 wonderful children and I am and always have been a good father. Coaching little league with my son since he was 5 and football and cheerleading with both my son and daughter. We go fishing hike ride bikes and all the things a dad should do. In May of 2011 this year after 11 1/2 years of marriage she walked out the door to find herself and stay with a cousin until she knew what she wanted. Only she didnt she moved in with her boyfriend and has been there eversince. I filled for custody and she filed for divorce. The court order 50/50 custody and that is just not enough for me. I was left with all debt had her boyfriend try to fight me in front of my kids and been stabbed in the back through it all. She has made up lies and learned to hate me. Because I guess its the only way to justify what she has done to me my kids and my family. I feel tortured every single day. She said we fought too much. We fought because I didnt want to lose my wife and my family. Everything is destroyed finances, the home and I wake up worrying everyday I will lose my kids to the woman and man that ruined any possibility of the life they should have continued to have. I honestly dont want to hate her but she just keeps killing me slowly everday. Someone tell me why? If your too kind your not hard enough and if your too hard your not kind enough. I guess the middle is where we should all be but we are who we are...Im lost.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, Phd

    Jonah,

    Your situation illustrates the painful fact that women also abandon their children and husbands for other men.

    My hope is that, when her boyfriend assaulted and stabbed you, you called the police and filed charges against him. What he did is extremely serious.

    I also hope you have an attorney to protect yourself and your children.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Allison

    Hi everybody, me again. It feels weird to come back and read my letters and see how this is still happenin everywhere, the pain that is out there. When I wrote before, I had this deep hope that by now he would have come home. But now he is fully settled with his woman, and they have decorated a room for my daughter, and take her to see the "new grandparents". They take her to movies and hockey games - she and I use dto go because "dad" would never come with us. He now comes to see me once a month to "talk and help me get better" because he doesn't like his new reputation as an abusive SOB, so now he is "the nice guy helping his old pathetic saggy wife feel useful in society and get over her hurt". I hate it but I can't say no because I want to be with him so badly that I give in to any excuse to talk to him. SOme weeks are good. Some are horrid. I don't understand where my life went. And I can't imagine being happy ever again. It should be enough to be "loved by children and the church" but I was so happy being loved and desired by the man I love - and I hate the though of the next 50 years sleeping alone. The wisest councel I am getting is from the other woman in town who have survived this - and they all say "it doesn't get better - there is no happy ending. You just eventually stop caring anymore and just be happy doing your job and hobbies". One thing is different - I dont' have the sharp panic of "OMG I have to stop him, I can't bear it" anymore, and I don't have any hopes that he will come back, anymore. So maybe eventually I won't care anymore. Hopefully soon.

    be strong, everyone.

    Allison

  • Susie

    In google i typed in how to forgive and let go of an ex, i landed upon this page. Having read alot of your stories i can relate in so many ways. I guess i am luckier than most as i have no kids involved. I met my partner 4 years ago, it was an immediate connection, you know when you just know. Since our first meeting we were joined at the hip, he was the one. I never felt such a strong connection, andx never felt so close to anyone before. Last October we invited a friend of ours from abroad to come stay for a visit, a 6 week visit. Immediatly i was sorry......They both talked in whisspers, went on secret outings when i was working and continued to tell me i was paranoid. One night we had a fight and i came home to find them in bed together, he swears he feel asleep while talking, funny thing i still want to believe it. She went home after 6 weeks but he never looked at me the same, always screaming at me, barely talking and wouldnt make love to me. After 6 months he finally broke it off, he still swore it wasnt for her, for 3 months after the brake up he strung me along playing mind games, being sweet and affection talking of the good times we had together, leading me to believe we would be ok, but as soon i he could see i had hope he grew cold again. Then the phone call came and i was told he has feeling for this 'friend'. A couple months later he went to visit her in her country, after a week he rang and asked me to come back to him, he was crying saying how stupid he was and how nothing happened, i gave him a small piece of my mind but that i would meet him when he came back.......I did, i met him and his new wedding ring...... a week after he rang me, he decided to marry her..... spur of the moment, i think NOT.

    Now he is back and she is planning on moving here in a couple months, i dont undertand is the mind games..... when he told me about the marraige it killed me from the inside, he even included intamite details while crying. All i asked was to be left in peace to heal and forgive. He wont , he calls and calls, till eventually i gave in and he told me he is still in love with me, that he love us both..... he wont cheat on her but he acts as though we are a couple. I gave up and gave in and now we chat all day long. My heart is tired, i know he is lying and playing games with my heart, he is probably lonely while waiting for her move......

    Sometimes the pain in my heart is so bad i just want to rip it out, i feel in constant shock, how????? we were so close, we have so many memeories, he told how much he loved and adored me,, we were to marry..........

    I just feel this pain will never end, i need the truth or i need something, i hate feeling angry, i feel angry all the time, angry and broken,,,,, i cant talk to people because im always in another world. But when i hear his voice or see him, i believe every word an di fall in love with him all over again, then after a day or two i can see clear and im angry again:(.......

    Thanks for letting me share,

    Im so sorry for all your pain:(

    Susie xxxxxx

  • LoveArt

    Another Christmas is approaching, and I started to finish the decorating. This huge, dark depression came over me, and I ate a box of candy and watched mysteries. My husband of twelve years started being distant, and always on the computer. My stepdaughter that spent her school years in a private boarding school came to live with us. Although I care about her, it created tension because I wouldn't always agree with what she wanted. She was also just learning how to have a relationship with her father. I think this part of the relationship was workable, but then my ex started taking vacations by himself. I discovered he had been visiting nudist camps and was telling people he was single. I found nude photos of other women, and some very sad pornography. It seemed while I was teaching a college class at night he would be on several voyeur sites. Anyway, he went and bought a house in Tennessee, I served him with divorce papers. A huge, legal battle ensued. I found out about his sado-masochist bondage girlfriend, etc. I haven't spoken to him in so long, nor do I answer his emails. He just sent a package, and I returned it unopened. What I am asking is why do I miss him? I don't feel like I want to connect with anyone else, and I feel so lonely for his friendship. He and the bondage babe broke it off, and I know he was on some dating sites. I know he misses me, and he's angry with me for not giving him what he wants. He ended up owing me a lot of money, but I am just writing it off. I don't talk to him, but why, oh why, can't I move on? I did love him very much, and I was very hurt by all of this, but I know it is best to move on. Why can't I let go? Outwardly, I appear O.K., but deep down I miss him dreadfully. Help.

  • MERl Martinez

    Another story about a cheating partner...

  • MM

    Well here is my story. I met this wondeful man after a divorce of 23 years and have 3 children. Boy that is 29 and a girl 25 and a 7 year old from this wonderful man I met after 3 mos out of my marriage. I fought my freedom with chosing him. I was 44 at the time and he was 38. Real good looking and sweet as can be. He left his job and car to come and live with me cuz he did not want to miss me anymore. I have my own jewelry bussiness that does well, and I needed a man to help me cuz this job is very physical, so he came in handy. My Parents moved in with us and my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. My faher never liked him and my mother loved him. She told me he was a keeper. Well we decided to have a child and then when i got pregnant he wanted me to have an abortion saying we were to old. I was convinved and almost terminated the pregnancy, but I changed my mind. He was not too happy with this, but well i told him she would be my responsibility. By the way he has 2 boys of his own 24 and 21 His first wife left him after 2 years for another man, his 2nd girlfriend same thing 3 years latter left him for another man, and stole his baby and took off to another state, we found him when he was 19 about the time my e-mail came in. Our little girl was born and a hard baby she was. Cryed alot only breast fed. Him he was a wonderful father, but I noticed he would not sleep with me. Well my daughter turned 1 and my mother passed away. We worked tog and still he would not make love to me much, I got chubby after pregnancy so i asked is it cuz I've gained weight. He would say no or made an excuse that there was too many people here. Which was my 17 year old daughter. I started feeling insecure with him around woman. When my daughter turned 3, I got breast cancer and he started working by himself. I was alone alot and took care of my 3 year old while going to Chemo and Radiation. He was there, but not emotiomally. No making love again for a year, and the next year started feeling better and suddenly he starts telling me about a girl-friend and telling me its ok to have a girl as a friend. I did not agree but he kept bringing it up. He would say we are 2 adults not children anymore. Well He made excuses for me not to come with him ot work cuz im sick and he did not want me out in the cold or heat. Ithought what a wonderful caring man. Well he introduces me to a woman and I take her in as a friend. Her husband sends me an e-mail saying they were having an affair. I asked my him what was this all about and he told me that her husband always tampers in e-mails and is crazily jealous, i believed them so I deleted them in front of my husband and turned and told him I trust you, but why did you not tell me about this. He said they did not want to stress me out. I believed him and told him i was hurt for the secrets, and I told her she should divorce him. She did, and well all year round she showed up everywhere we would work. She called me now and then. We talked but for some reason I felt something wrong. She came to a show we had and she spent the day with him. Even rode home with him. Not me we had 2 cars I took our other helpers and she rode with him. Well i mentioned this to him and he said i was being crazy. Jealous..snd yes i mde excuses not tomeet up with her, and he told me stop acting this way always turned into an arguement and he would always win..well again another year goes by and she wants to come to the same show again. I did not want her to come and I decided to look at my phone bills and by golly he had been calling her all year long all the time. I comfronted her and she said they were just friends and she asumed I knew, Never did it get out of hand and well I told her not to call him anymore or me. I comfronted him and he said he called her cuz she was nice. Well I was brockenup and hurt. he apologized and life went on. And making love still happened every 3 mos or so and I complained all the time. He just seemed cold. Well My baby now 7. I decide to look in his pocket , and my hands were shaking. yes another phone.. turned it on and a text saying.

  • Sibylle

    After reading all of your post's I could not believe how many of us are in the same situation. I have been with my husband for the last 23 years. We have 3 wonderful children. We have raised our family in the military. This ment that I was alone with the kids many times. I did it because I was sure that this was my part of being a military wife. I took care of the house the kids the bills everything. When my husband retired after all these military years, he did not want to find a job close, but rather one that paid very well and had him travel. He has been doing this for 5 years now.

    Well last year he confessed that he has had an affair while being on one of his trips. He made me believe that he wanted the marriage to work, however a month later he called me up while I was at home in Germany and told me the dreated words, I love you but I am not in love with you and we need to go seperate ways. My whole world broke apart. I could not believe that he would just tell me over the telephone instead of being honest and a man about it. He went to Afghanistan after that for six month. I refused to have any contact with him because I was that hurt. He has since moved out and has a serious relationship with the other woman. He claims that she is not the reason, that he was always unhappy, but I was the best thing that happend to him before he met her.

    Well right before Christmas I found a treasure box of his with all kinds of letters and keep sakes from other women. I do and understand now that he has always cheated on me and that it was just a way of life for him. This was easy because he was gone all the time anyway so I did not know any different.

    Do I feel hurt, yes I do. I went through depression and sadness, madness and pure anger. However the longer time passes the better of I feel without him because this cycle would continue.

    As for my kids they take it hard. They don't understand their dad and his decision. I wish everyone the best and just remember. YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL AND SPECIAL. No man in the world can ever take that away from us.

    Thank you for letting me share my story.

  • Anonymous-42

    My husband and I were only married for 10 days before he deployed for 11 months. Upon his return he said our marriage was basically a mistake. Everything was fine until about 2 months before he returned. We talked everyday on line and made so many plans for when he returned. I was completely blindsided. I have been sick and depressed for a month now. I don't know what to do. Everyone says to just let him go and forget it. Well it's not that easy. This is the time we were suppose to be getting a home and start our life together. I am seriously not sure what to do. I've left him alone and I'm afraid that too might be a mistake or do I ignore him and just hope he'll change his mind? And to top it off we are in different states. I believe he may have gone back to his exwife. He said he is staying with a relative but I've also come to find out that he has lied to me about many many things. I am so hurt. Why can't he just tell me the truth. The reasons he's found for wanting to leave. I seem to think that would be easier for me instead of being in limbo and not ever understanding what happened. ?How do I get through this???

  • sylvia

    I write this after reading all the ladies stories! Where has the Commandment Do not Commit Adultery gone these men will be Judged by God as he will not be mocked but the hurt and pain they cause to innoncent wives ans Children! My first marrigae ended after many years of absue and women and loss of my beautiful 1st born Matthew aged 6 I had another son living at time he is now 32 and i have another 28 whom developed same disease as matthwe and has had 4 transplants over 22 years! Ben was 6 at time of illness! I met Karl about 4 years after thinking he would never cheat i knew him 17 years and my sons loved him and he knew how much pain i have been through but 15 mths ago he cheated with a prostitue in Thailand aged 60 for goodness sake as i cared for Ben awaiting another Heart and Kidney transplant he got that in dec 2010 and is going okay I had a double whammy and Karl tried to even take what was rightfully mine of my home but i won the court case and he had to borrow big money to have home plus furniture! He lives in it while i am with my son but i am getting better with The Lords help and family and sons and church family i belive he shall never get away with what he has done without one Sorry just to Mock God and say Adultery is not a crime well in Gods eyes it is i know he may never get it here on Earth but when he mwwts his Maker he will! HIs quilt says i never have to say sorry as with all of them they run but shall never hide it gets to them plus these homewreckers and Prostiutes what we sow sqw reap! I sleep well now i i will forgive and leave it with my maker! God cut this Marriage and i never got any STD so that is blessing and i am so happy i can attend to my son without living with a dreadful diease These Men need to stop thinking about how they have to be happy as life does not give us what we want we should respect our Spouses and through the worst of times weather the storms of life I Pray for you all to come out strong women trust God and he shall pull you through Sylvia

  • Anonymous-43

    I READ THE LETTER BY SEXY 2009 and I wanted to say that hers is the only letter that gave me the most laughter of any story I have read in years. And it was that she hid in the closet so he would think she was not at home because she wanted to talk to him so funny I did lots of stuff like that during my 27 year marriage. I realize that most of the letters on here report horror stories and do empathize greatly. I was once captive for years in much the same way. I am not mocking any of the women caught up in this

  • Maria

    Hi all, so I am not alone! Three weeks ago my partner of 12 years tells me he needs space and to live on his own. He refused to talk about it but said there was no one else. He took an overnight bag and moved to 'his mothers'. A week later he admitted to having moved in with an ex-girlfriend he had when he was 16, he is 42. There was no warning for this so it is like a death, and loss of a best friend. But its classic mid-life behaviour isn't it... karma will take its course. He is already showing signs of extreme guilt over what he has done to me. I do not have to live with guilt so I am already freer than him. Now is the time for inner strength and though it may seem hard at times, I can tell you it is possible and life will go on. I refuse to chain myself with the bad feelings he has left me with, we all have the power to set our selves free, never let him see the hurt inside. You will live through this. xxx

  • CJ

    The 12 year thing is exactly what happend to me. After 12 years, we broke up over a stupid fight on where to move! I cannot believe it is over after all this time. I feel lied too, and emotionally a mess here. I feel your pain, everyday is a struggle just to get throu it :O(

  • Darlene Blevins

    I know just how you feel, but don't let it get you down. If he is seriuce about it, then you'll be home alone,( wiasting a lot if time you could be out having) waiting for him, and mister right is waiting for you. I was married 4 times. Each time ended on a divorce. Then, one day a man asked for my phone number. I could have siad,(No,) or I could have given him a wrong number.But I didn't, I gave him my number, and he wasn't even the type of man I liked. I will tell you this, He is the best man I ever had in my life. All those relationships and marrages that didn't work, i believe it was God telling me he wasn't my soul mate. I've been with this man for 13 year's, and no one believes me when I say this, but we never argue or fight. I don't even know if he gets mad at me. for exc... One day, i went to take a bath, I ran the water and then I went and sat down with him in the livingroom to talk. I forgot about the water until he asked me if I were going to take a bath. When we got to the bathroom, we were standing in at loest 2 feet of water. Water was every where, From my past, I was use to getting yelled at or hit and called all kinds of names, but all he said was.(Grab some towlels.) That was if. I'm not saying your ex hit you or anythimg like that, all I'm saying is,(all that time he's away, you could be looking for mister right instead of being alone) If ten years pass and he's still gone, you'll be alone if uou don't start looking and having fun. I loved the last man I married with every breath I took, but bunny, when they wany to leave, there's nothing you can do to change their mind.After not being with him for awhile, I started thinking about everything he did to me and I couldn't help bet ask myself,Why? Why did I stay and put up with it? Now, I'm happier than I ever thought I could be. Mister right is out ther waiting for you, give it some time. God will guide him to you.

  • Stacy

    After 5 1/2 yrs of marriage my husband decided that he wanted his space. He loves me (so he says) but he just wants to be on his own. That would have been fine, other than the fact that I was lied to. oh he wanted his space alright, with another woman who has nothing, no job, no car, no license to drive, & 2 kids. All she does is stay on the internet snooping on my Facebook! How childish, or is it guilt? He keeps texting me telling me that he doesnt love her, that he isnt with her, & that he wants to slowly wk on our marriage, then he goes & gets a place with her. WTH, another lie! Bet he didnt tell her that he was still texting me, telling me that he wants to be with me not her. I finally decided that I had, had enough of the harrasement from him & her, so I went & got divorce papers. I am hurt yes, I poured yrs into this marriage only to have some other woman take it all away. I had to finally eliminate him from my life all together, started by packing the rest of his stuff, & putting it out of my way, took all the pics of the walls, put them away to, then has his number blocked from my phone, so no more broken promises either. I have found me a new job which I love, I have a wonderful best friend who helps me cope with things when I wanna give up, & I am finally getting my life back together, just me & my son. when Karma does hit, & he decides he does wanna come home to his wife, he will no longer have a home or wife to come home to, I will not & cannot let him hurt me anymore! I am better than that. I may always love him, although I hope that one days changes, but I cannot allow him to keep control of my life anymore. I am a better/stronger person because of him, & I will survive!

  • Anonymous-44

    My sweet charming husband of little over a year left me in shambles. we were having some normal issues of not communicating well. that happens. well last month almost to the day he demanded a divorce. He said he cpuld not make it work with me. That was on a monday. I broke down crying and freaking out of course, but he didn't care. he said some bullshit and went on his merry way very happy to be honest.

    so he stayed out our home for the week and that friday he was gone. he said he was going to live in a duplex to h out his "friend" from loosing that building. mind you this friend was off limits for me too meet. yes people that was my red lights flashing moment.

    the next week he tells me that he did not move in that place he moved into a small cabin. and he was not ready to date...

    on november 4 I found out via facebook the butthead lied to me. He got engaged to his new love. he also brought her to my home to help him pack up. the home wreaker was in MY home going threw my stuff doing my husband in OUR bed. I hate her. he also made sure I was at work to ring her to my home.

  • Anonymous-45

    I don't understand why all this comes as such a big surprise, whether he's cheating or leaves the relationship for another reason. I've read most of these posts (as well as several similar web sites with similar forums) and not a ONE mentions that the marriage was rocky, we'd gone our separate ways within the relationship, nothing in common anymore, etc. etc. etc. and therefore I am NOT surprised that he wants out? Is this the wrong forum? I think when the relationship burns out or the connection is simply lost over the years, both parties must be aware of it and so is someone wanting out really such a big shock? Does nobody see it coming? Sorry for my confusion, I just don't understand.

  • Anonymous-46

    My partner of 5 years suddenly left, he said it wasn't because of another woman. 8 months after he left, he married somebody. It was later revealed that he was with her for a year before he left me. Felt betrayed, lied to & cheated. I was loyal & trusted him. He broke my heart without any guilt.

  • lexi

    i am 6 months pregnant and my husband left me for his friends freedom and worse anither girl. i think he was going through a midlife crisis not wanting to grow up but then he shouldnt of got married in 2010 and got me pregnant now. he did not even want to go to counseling he just totally shut down he is not thinking at all to me. i am not going be here when he does grow up though idk what to do

  • confused in love

    my beloved bf of 2 years has hurt me beyond my belief! i found out that he has been flirting, seeing, SLEEPING with a co-worker!!!!

    and this has been going on for almost A YEAR!!!

    sure...looking back there were signs i clearly ignored. but i have discovered so much more than he will ever know!!

    he says he loves me. ya..right!

    we are both divorced and have children with our exes. we have formed a nice "family".

    i am hurting right now. i want to lash out at him. at her. someone!

    she has known about me the whole time...listening to his lies..believing that he was leaving me...um...a year later...hasnt left me....is she that desparate?

    how do i salvage this relationship? i love him and want to keep the promises made to one another.

  • Daw

    My husband left me for another woman, but still wants to be firends. He said he wasn't happy and no longer wanted a relationship. This girl was and old friend of his from his high school bar days. We were together 18 years. He left me once before to go back with his ex wife that lasted 7 months and he came back telling that the grass is not greenier on the olther side. He had promised me one night that he would never do it again, 3 months later he did exactly what he promised he wouldn't do. How do you get over the rejected, betrayed feeling? Will I ever be able to trust anyone again?

  • Maricel

    I have been cheated on like everybody else here.My ex husband cheated on me with a married woman she's 24 and has 2 little boys..he filed for divorce on November 2012 ..I was living in the basement and he upstairs until the court day,he used to bring her in the house when I was living there,cooking for her in my own house,having sex I heard them and it was the most painful thing...

    i decided to leave the House court forced him to pay my rent until divorce was final on June 12 2013..she moved in the next day I left the house..he kept the house and boat since I didn't want to fight for it...those are material things and my life is worth it more than that...they seem happy but she didn't even filled for the divorce yet...I don't wish them bad but I'm still mad at him for what he did.

    i have so much faith in God he will send me a good man and I will find happiness again...to all the ladies here keep your chin up,have faith and hope in God:)

  • Marsha

    Is it ever okay to cheat? I was married for 25 years when I began to have an emotional affair. After years of martial rape, very little conversation, I was empty. I had not job and no extended family. My only option was to leave with my three children and live in government housing. That was not an option.

    I cheated, and he rejected me for a fat woman. It hurt me horribly, but my husband and I worked things out.

  • Paulett

    My husband was incarcerated about 5 years ago, left me a trailer park to manage. The trailer park is 40 years old and no repairs had been done for a very extensive time (on his behalf). The income from the trailer park payed our bills and maybe a little more to play with. New expenses developed while he was gone. Lawyers fees, payloans, drainfield, pumphouse repairs at park, electrical and plumping repairs at park had to be made. Also, sent him large sums of money that he demanded for his books in jail and real estate taxes, plus the expenses of my housewhole. When he came all he saw was the trailers had not been fixed. There was no money left to renovate the trailers. He was ferrious. He moved in with me about 3 months, all we did was argue and fight concerning this. He summoned this ex-wife and moved in with her. I was not prepared for this. It hurts so bad because I did everything I could do to save the land and do the repairs but first prioties had to come first. I had no idea this was coming. How do I deal with the pain of loosing him for no apparent reason.

  • Anonymous-47

    After he left me for another woman, he came back saying he never loved her. I took him back only to discover him lying again and never left the other woman. Enough is enough. It is time to really move on.

  • mag

    So Ive been with fiancé 11 years. We have 3 boys 9,5,3. We lived in California and he moved to Kansas city for work. We agreed to let the kids stay in one school for a year, then we would move back together. He visited us frequently. We talk all day everyday. I was going to be moving to kansas city on monday to be a family again. My boys are counting down the days.

    Well i got a text from him today telling me he didnt want us out there with him. That were not wanted and he has moved on since December. Mind you he just came for a visit a week ago and everything was great. Every visit we were with each other sexually. Im lost and confused. I dont know what to think! Im so hurt. The kids want nothing more then to be a family again. How do i tell my kids? What do i do?? :(

  • brooke

    I've been with my boyfriend for six years. He was selfish and emotionally abusive early on, but I was too scared to leave. Wanted him too much. When I started law school, he made it dificult. It resulted in a drunken DV incident towards the end of my first semester, which shook my soul. Then the night before my first exam he got drunk with his brother, resulting in me being up all night and doing horribly. Two night later he got into a horrible car accident. The first year afterward he felt trapped in the house and blamed me, somehow began an emotional affair with another woman. Everyday he was too injured to make dinner. So though I commuted two hours one day for school, I had to make it or go buy it..then study. And yet that summer, he mustered the energy to drive to another state to drink with a friend and his firend's sister, calling her all the time to bitch about what a horrible girlfriend I am. He would always threaten to throw me out - throw my things on the street. Then one night we got into a fight where I refused to move my car because I wouldn't let him run away. He hit my car with me in it repeatedly. I begged him days on end to fix it. But he said he would tell the cops I trapped him. finally a crying mess I asked the police, who then arrested him. to this day, he blames me for getting HIM arrested. I acknowledge trying to force him to stay home to just talk to me after a summer of him running away was dumb, but he was dumb too. I moved out for 6-7 months. He finally ended the emotional affair. but continued to flirt with other women telling them he was single until I moved back. It was humiliating.

    But when I moved back, I never got over the abuse and the emotional affair. The paranoia never left me. We were never quite right for awhile. So when I left to go study for the bar I moved out, I found it hard to return. He was not so forgiving that I left for a few months and didn't give him money for rent while I was gone (I was broke). I gave him money - just not rent (I gave a good chunk of money). I was starting an official job where my fear of being thrown out would put me in the jurisdition of where I was working - his actions would ruin my new career. On one hand, he needed someone to support him while he was injured. On the other hand, I was given a position of enourmous honor that I spent years working for. His actions through out law school did a lot of damage to me, he never realized that. I commuted becuase of him. My grades suffered because of him. when he had those emotional affairs, I was crippled at my job. His actions did a lot of damage to me for years. I made a choice to protect myself. There was a month I did move in, it was OK but I remained paranoid and moved out. Sure enough in the middle of this job, he cheated on me - saying I was not living with him - he was alone and couldn't take it anymore. It resulted in this horible fight between me and the other woman. He ended it with the other woman almost immediately, who refused to leave his life - he would use her to get back at me by remaining friends with her until one day he finally cut it off with her. So she then vowed to ruin my life and called my job and attempted to talk to my boss. Without telilng the kind of job I have, you cannot just call my boss. I had to report the incident, but she broke a few laws - decided to NOT arrest her to keep things quiet mostly for my sake. But here is a tip: don't call someone's boss for personal reason's - that's harassment. If that person's boss is an official...no. that's illegal.

    For this past year, I told him I would move back in - work things out. I tried. But I couldn't get over all these years of abuse and heartbreak. I found myself angrier the more he asked. I was depressed and couldn't cope anymore. The emotional cheating and actual cheating. He told me changed. I didn't trust him anymore. I didn't want him to leave me, didn't want trust him. Realized how he treated me was so bad. There is clearly more then what I am saying. I was hurt, and told him to start seeing other people. I said if you do it, just tell me, so I am far and away - I don't want to be near it because it would break my heart. But we were spending time together again - I was calling a lot again. Sleeping together and everything. Internally I was moving past everything, and one day I showed up and he goes, there is a woman inside. Apparently all the days I was going over, she was there some random days for the past two weeks. He didn't feel like he owed it to me because of one bad fight we had and because I am not his girlfriend anymore. Then days later we spent the day together intimately where we told each other we love each other, he just wants to be happy, if I can work on MY issues, I said well can you work on my trust issues with you, made worse by this. He said he would give me a week to think about it. I took a day, said I can't take a week - please get rid of her - this is too much - I will work on us with you but please end this. He says, no she's just a friend. I said, please seriously, nobody is THAT STUPID. He has since refused blaming me for abandoning him. We've been inimate for the past few weeks, which she is unaware of assuming I'm his crazy ex who won't go away not realizing he's lying to us both.

    I'm partly to blame because it was selfish to be in that limbo knowing I was in such a state. I should have walked away, I told him I was not okay - I let him linger because I loved him and wanted him near...but couldn't deal with being with him. So he moved on. But he made the choice to tell me by the time she was sleeping over. If he changed at all, he would have told me well before then. I was so depresed for a year BECAUSE he broke my trust so much.

    Reading the advice hit the nail on the head. When I was pushing him away he was acting obessive with me, which was annoying. He was stalking me. Calling. Emailing. Texting. It drove me insane. Now it's me, except despite the fact he tells me, I love you, nobody knows you better than me...but I see now I'm obessing and I've lost it knowing for the first time ever he is not returning because it's so much easier with someone new. No history. No fighting. I just wish I could stop wondering if I only want him now because he's gone.

  • Four years later

    My ex husband left me four years ago. He began losing weight, exercising, caring about how he dressed..the usual signs of a cheater. He began sleeping on the couch, leaving for work at odd hours and then the real fun began. He criticized me, belittled me and told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. We had a seven year old daughter, who often overheard these conversations. I was hurt, humiliated and confused. Then I looked at the phone records. Hundreds of texts and phone calls spanning months to a number that I later found out was his married co-worker, who had a son.

    Long story short, he left me in a heap on the floor one evening without looking back. Never admitted to an affair. This person was "just a friend" and not his reason for leaving me and my daughter. Never mind that she divorced her husband the same time that he left me. I was an emotional wreck, suffered panic attacks and lost so much weight that I was unrecognizable. He destroyed me.

    He left me no choice but to file for divorce when he told me he was leaving and not coming back and that I was not worth his time anymore. The man I had been with for 15 years and married to for 12 years was now a complete stranger to me.

    Two months after the divorce, he married the homewrecker..this person he claimed was "just a friend." He even brought this "friend" to our daughter's Christmas program before our divorce was even final. I remember having a panic attack in the auditorium and having to run out in the parking lot, where I promptly vomited.

    It was an awful time in my life. And years later, it still hurts. It hurts when I have to see him drop off our daughter at my front door, trying to make small talk with me as if he did nothing to me. It hurts knowing that he is taking my daughter on all of his fancy vacations with the homewrecker. It hurts that he couldn't love me the way he loves her. It hurts when I see him pull up in my driveway in his brand new expensive SUV wearing his fancy clothes and I am struggling to put food on the table for me and my daughter. It hurts that he is just walking around like he did nothing and has not had to suffer any consequences of his actions. It just hurts so bad and I hate him so much for what he did to me. I didn't ask for any of this. I just want this pain to end!

  • Anonymous-48

    My bit friend of almost seven years blindsided me with a break up. He showed no signs. Everything seemed to be fine. Then out of the blue he says he believes in his heart he needs change. Said there was no other women. He cut me and my kids out of his life and said we need to move on. Took me a month to find out there was another women. I feel so replaced and hurt. How can he just be in bed with me saying he loves me and then go in full gear with another women. It's been almost three months and I'm still stuck. Saying why how. I still want him back because I love him. But he seems so happy with his new gf. He acts like I don't even exist any more. It's not a normal behavior. does any one know if him jumping from one thing to the next will last????? How he have no signs of this. My kids know no different then of him. Hurt so bad.

  • kleah

    my fiance & love of my life has struggled with addiction as long as ive known him. i became pregant after knowing him for only 2 months. Before knowing i was pregnant we mutually decided a relationship wasnt in our best interest. I knew he was still seeing his ex & i wasnt ok with being the "other" woman. Well, after i found out i was pregnant, we tried to get to know each other better & fast. i didnt like the things i would see on his phone (pictures of his penis sent to other women) & the things he would say to coworkers (your profile pic is hot as f%#%) i had zero trust for him but i was to afraid to be alone & pregnant so i questioned his intent & belived every manipulative word he said. Throughout my pregancy with our daughter he remained a sexually frustrated & distant drunk. I became so depressed i starting having panic attacks. We had our daughter in dec 2011 & things were ok for a few weeks. He then went missing one night. He shouldve gotten a DUI that night but we could only find his car & he had took off drunk in some nearby woods. He later ran into a house & got his first DUI. that was 2-2013. He left us & moved in with his parents to "better himself" He met a coworker & began dating her secretly. They had a sexual relationship & i had no idea about it until after our son was already concieved. I left him and moved home with my parents after finding out about this relationship. He begged me to come home, wrote me 7 pg long emails, sent me songs, sent me pictures, bought me flowers & ultimately proposed to me with a beautiful ring & an endless promise to be my best friend, my soulmate, and a father to our 2 kids. I finally gave in & accepted his apology but the trust just wasnt there. I bought a house closer to my parents & my job & things have been pretty good until i found out he was texting all hours of the night with yet another coworker. As soon as i asked about her he admitted that he thought he was in love with her. The next day he packed his things & moved out of my arms & right into hers. They seem so happy & in love yet im still thinking about the person i thought i knew. He's been gone 2 months & shows no remorse as he has been granted 6 overnights / month on court ordered visitation. How could he do this to us & how could this heartless woman move in on a man engaged with 2 children? it breaks my soul.

  • Anonymous-49

    After living with my boyfriend and our daughter for 17 years he took all his stuff and moved out he told me that he was done through a text msg I am 53 years old hes 42 and I really think I'm going to die from a broken heart I have no friends or family except my 14 years old daughter im scared and my heart hurts so badly I can barely breathe I don't know what to do I need some Help a friend anyone who might want to help me Im really going to Die from ALONE in wv

  • Lost

    My ex MM went back to his wife, they are in counselling, trying to work it out.

    What I don't understand is, he applied for another job and he's keen for me to go to the same place. We are only friends now, nothing is going on between us. What's his story please help.

  • Anonymous-50

    i am feeling your pain. I am devasted after 15 yrs. losing him for some 25 yrs younger than him. JUST BREATH...

  • kim

    my husband left me after 27yrs and is dating women as young as my daughter i got fibromyalgia and he wanted me to wear 8inch heels had an obsesion is a pervert he says i can be one of his women and dress for him and still wants to be friends after a lifetime with him i am finding it too hard to let go but am not feeling as friendly as him am financially and emotionally dependent on him very angry and confused having to set boundaries but feel like i am losing my sanity i am shocked by his ehaviour didnt know he was so shallow he was a bully feel numb and messed up trying to stay strong as i can for my daughter anxiety has got worse so has the pain i suppose i just have to realise he isnt worth any more tears he has the problem not me although he always made me feel i was the problem i should have stood my ground long ago ut its hard when you are ill and dependent i am now refusing to wear what he wants he even tries to indirectly threaten me but wont give in anymore trying to become me before him if you know what i mean in my head anyway we are all going through hell together just wanted to share

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