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My Sex Drive Is Out Of Control!

Question:

My sex drive seems like it’s out of control. I seem to be constantly horny (for lack of a better term…sorry). I am 31 years old and to date thought of myself as the average male with average desires, but now I’m not so sure. My fiance and I have sex maybe once a week; we both work hard and usually only have sex on the weekend. If I could have sex three times a day, I probably would. I don’t want to place any pressure on her, I love her too much to force that issue, but I guess I’m having some difficulty in gauging what is normal for a guy my age. Help!

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

Don’t worry, there is probably nothing wrong with you as long as you are healthy and you eat healthy and get enough sleep – although you might want to mention something to your Doc during your next physical. People’s sex drives vary. I definitely think you should talk to your fiance about this problem without putting pressure on her. It is possible that you simply need to spice up your love life. Instead of planning for sex only on the weekend, try catching her off guard and surprise her with something as simple as flowers…bring back the element of romance to your relationship. It sounds as though sex has become somewhat of a chore (at least for her). If after talking with your fiance you find that she truly is too tired to have sex more than once a week, there are a few solutions for you. Do you exercise? It is possible for you to get rid of your extra energy through exercise. Try joining a gym or taking up jogging. Have you considered the “m” word? Masturbation doesn’t have to be a dirty word. Best of luck to you, – Anne

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Comments
  • Chris

    I completly understand where you are. I also am 31 and my sex drive is exactly what you have described. I hate to say it, but this has become such an issue between my wife and I that we have actually been considering divorce. We have been married for 6 years. I don't have any good advice for you save this, if you do not address this issue early in your relationship, it will become a serious problem for you later. I thought my drive would cool off once I reached my 30's, but apparently, this is not the case. My field of study is Christianity and I can assure you that there are no spiritual remedies for this situation. Your spouse will eventually feel pressured especially if your drive is considerably higher than hers. In my situation, I am a 2-3 times a week type of person and my wife is a 1-2 times a month or less. Even though I have provided everything else in our marriage to make her feel safe and loved, including the little surprises and flowers that every other website you could research will tell you, my sex drive makes my wife feel oppressed and objectified, even when I attempt to avoid the issue. You need to find out what she feels is normal, describe what you are wanting and see if this is right for the both of you. Otherwise, you will wish you had never married in the first place. As for masturbation, I don't know about the sinfulness of it, because it depends on what church you go to, but I do know that it is not a good substitution for what you are really desireing. Good luck to you.

  • hrudananda mahala

    i am a 20 year old young boy. i have a exces of sex,how can i control this.

  • Sammi

    I am 13 years young and i am a girl. I have trouble focusing in school because i can't control my sexual pleasure. I have to be excused to the bathroom 2+ times in each class. I have had sex once in my life and i think that has changed my desires. Any help!?

  • Davz

    I hate it when people have to get divorced because the wife can't keep up with the man's natural sexual desire! It makes me really angry. What - would the women prefer the man to have extramarital affairs? It's not like women have to do much when a man needs sex. I think it's her duty to be supportive. If she is averse to vaginal sex for a legitimate reason, then she should satisfy her huband with manual or oral stimulation. People take their wedding vows too lightly. What happened to sacrifice to make your spouse happy. And that goes both ways of course.

  • dola

    i m 24 year old girl,i have had sex for last 18 month once in a month but the problem is i always need sex please help me how can i control

  • pratik rathor

    Respected Sir/Mam,

    I am a male of 19, may prablem is that I shake my penis 4-5 times a week. Whether it cause any problem in future? Many times I tried to stope but every time I failed to stop. Please tell me how can I stop this. Please help me please please please please please please please please please please please please please help me.

    Thank you.

  • rudolph

    How about keeping yourself busy by doing other stuff like going out with frens , sports , read books etc. If you find difficult being outside maybe watching animes can help you...

    I am 17 years old, I also tend to masturbate on irregular basis sometimes but I can control it by keeping myself busy ...

  • Anonymous-1

    i am a 19 yr old guy.i am an indian and this sex thing is very strict in my country so i resort to masturbation ........ i am cant control my erge i do it like 5-6 tyms a day i srsly cant study and i need help plzz

  • J. Daventice

    I tottally understand. Im also 13 and I cant stop masterbating. I want to stop but I get these random urges and random erections and everytime after I mastebaite I feel dirty becuase I know its a sin, and I want to be as close and good with god as possible and my sex drive doesnt help. I also cant stop thinking of sex. Ive never had it and as much as I want to I want to be married when I first have sex. And you can only loose your viginity once so I want to be married when it happens. Can anyone help me?

  • Gemini

    @Chris, In my oppinion, your wife is being totally selfish and inconsiderate...in my part of the world (West Africa) a woman like that is considered a wicked woman that wants to force her husband to infidelity...chris u need a woman to "F" u till u say stop..it'll make y'all closer and love each other more..i bet ur wife had a gay past...sorry if i hurt ur feelings talking bout your wife like that... Sex is almost the best therapy for stress and relaxation.

  • Anonymous-2

    STOP ASKING FOR HELP..THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ANY OF YOUR PEOPLES SEX DRIVES. if u ask me there should be more people in the world who love ot have sex...that way people wopuld be more happy and cheat less often because there partners desire are just a strong. my husband doent think about sex as much as i do..and after two kids, he surpised that i want it all the time. I have never turned him down for sex, never faked it or thought of it as a chore...and im always looking for sumthing more to spice up our relationship. when he doesnt want it it bothers th ehll outta me...but i eventualy get my way. Your sex drives are extremely healthy..and one day u will find sumone who wants it just as bad as u do.

  • Atul

    I am 19 year's old, and even now I haven't sex. But I always want have sex but I am not getting. no no...... I am not ugly, but a good looking boy.

    What my problem is my penis always stands, and it make to shake it. I shake it one time a day which feels me bad. so please help me

  • Anonymous-3

    I am a 20 year old guy. I had my GF for 2 years,we had a sex once in a week and now i came very far from her due to overseas studies.

    We do control our lust.But its very difficult for both of us. When sometime we talk we both get too much horny. I do visit her in 5-6 months but period in between that is very difficult to survive..

    Moreover i dont want to ditch her by having sex with other girl.

    Can any one please give proper sugestions on our troubles.

  • lahoti

    My sex drive seems like it's out of control. I seem to be constantly horny (for lack of a better term...sorry). I am 31 years old and to date thought of myself as the average male with average desires, but now I'm not so sure. My fiance and I have sex maybe once a week we both work hard and usually only have sex on the weekend. If I could have sex three times a day, I probably would. I don't want to place any pressure on her, I love her too much to force that issue, but I guess I'm having some difficulty in gauging what is normal for a guy my age. Help!

  • notsoshywoman

    Hello, well my story is that I'm30 years old,right now my husband and I are separate but still living in the same house, that makes things more,way more difficult for me. I cant watch him sitting besides me, if Ihave him near me,or around the house, my sexual desire increases... He is just normal, sex was excellent with him, and the last time was so awsome. And since we decide to separate for a while, I cant stop thinking of sex with him....He knows it, but he thinks I'm a nimpho. I dont thinks so, I dont masturbate every day, just when I feel I need it.... but my body reacts so bad when he is around. How can I control those excesive desires?

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hello Notshywoman,

    I want to assure you that just because your husband calls you a "nympho," does not make you one. Its the old double standard again: When men have a strong sex drive, they are virile and masculine but, when a woman has a strong sex drive, there is something wrong with her and she must be a nympho.

    What do I say about this: NONESENSE.

    There is nothing wrong with you.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-4

    masturbation is my addiction since 28 years

  • xyz

    Fasting is the best solution i bet try it.

  • luke

    i am 11 i know alot about sex, masbating etc...

    i cant stop jerking off noone knows but me not even my mum or dad knows but i keep get this feedling to jerk off plz help i dont know how to stop i have tryed alot of thnigs plz help if you can help

  • Lost Soul

    hello guys! read some of the comments n wanted to share my story. .. i m 25 yrs of age and i am a virgin. i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't do drugs and have been mostly untouched by such habits. but, i have developed a tremendous amount of interest in women/girls over the past few years. i guess the attention i got in college frm girls and a book i read on romance were conducive in arousing my attraction towrds women, besides my masculinity. anyhow, i simply adore women who meet my standards and fantasize about them most of the time. my excitement is fuelled by my intense curiosity as to how they would respond to my TLC(tender loving care). i think i will be great at sex(y it hsnt happened yet is a different story) and i see my self as a romantic- some1 whom girls would wanna f*** all the time. however, i find that my sexual desires are incompatible with my career goals. what i mean is i cannot concentrate on my work with sex on my mind. and this is something i find extremely difficult to handle. to keep learning new things requires a pure mind but my amorous desires keep pulling me away from wht i m supposed to be doing. i m in a tight spot friends! whenever i think of rewarding myself, the first thought that comes to mind is to have sex.. but since m not getting any , i have to look at other avenues of pleasure like friends, movies, books , tv, masterbating etc. etc. masterbation is a bad option though coz it drains too much energy and according to some scholars its unhealthy to lose semen casually. in fact it is said that semen should be preserved and one should have sex only when one wants to have babies. anyway, all the best to those who want sex more and more. and good luck to those who need to control their sexual fantasies etc. all the best guys n gals!!!!!

  • josh

    hi im 22, and me and my wife dont have much of a sex life, i try not to presssure her so much about it. i act like its ok not to have sex. the fact is i wish i could just kill my sex drive for good for her bc i love her and theres more to life then sex. the thing is its always in the back of my head thinking she dont love me...In way it sucks to be a guy...whicth there was some pill to kill mens drive.

  • Michelle

    I used to have sex at least once a day for months..Now I have not had sex for five months because my new boyfriend has erectile dysfunction... I get so horney so i please myself but its just not the same as real sex! How can i help my boyfriend "get it up"......And how do i controle my sex drive? I am 22 years old!

  • Help

    Hi I am 22 years old. I had sex with my ex girlfriend and we broke up 2 years ago. My present girlfriend knows about it, and I have expressed a strong desire to have sex with her. She denies outright and says that she isn't prepared for it. I get so horny, I can't stand masturbating looking at her photos. I've had bitter experience in my previous relationship, she cheated on me, all those sex and expression of love all of a sudden became meaningless, my present girlfriend is good but not willing to have sex. I have expressed my feelings to her, but the answer is "no", Please help

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    It is very natural for you, at 22 years of age, to have a powerful sex drive. However, your girlfriend, for some reason, refuses you. Of course, one solution to this problem is to find a new girlfriend, one who is warm, loving and open to sex within the context of a loving relationship. Long ago, when I was young and had hair (smile) both myself and my friends did what I am suggesting. We all married and had children the girls who wanted to be intimate in all ways, emotional and physical.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • amit jain

    my age is 2o[unmarried] or a married lady my unty her age is 35. many time talk with me about sex and one time when im alone in my house she do sex with me after this she say to me never ask anyone about this. or from last 6 months without used condom. i hate her but now she is my need.i have no control on my sex.but i want to control plz plz help me.

  • kamal

    thank u for ur suggestion,i want to know is there any technique that helps us controlling sex. it is necessary because we can't get married so easily.so my question is how can we control our sex drive until we get married.

  • Anonymous-5

    I am only 16, this is kinda weird. There is this girl who keeps coming after me for sex. I try to tell her no, but i don't want her to get mad. Anyway, then end result is always the same. We both go home like nothing happened, and eventually she wants to "talk about it." The last time afterwards she started crying, but she still keeps asking me for more. Is this a sort of self abuse to herself and how can i get her and myself to stop?

  • LUKE

    hell Boys I'm 49 and I still crave sex,Some times I hate it, but then its like it take control of me &I masturbate like mad, all my life I have tried to stop and I have been married 3 time.I ask my self where do these sexual thought come from.no answer yetI even thought about casturation.i know there is to much of a good thing. and I feel as though it run every thing in my life.

    MASTURBATION IS WRONG AND FROM WHAT I HAVE HEARD IT IS BAD FOR A MANS HEALTH.

    SO HOW DO I TAKE CONTROL OF IT INSTEAD OF IT CONTROLLINGME

  • jasmine m

    okay iam 18 and i have a realy crazy sex drive ive been like this sence befor i lost my verginty. and i though it i had sex once then my sex desire would go away. but it didnt it only made it worse and i cant controle my self. and i even on looking for older men to prey off of because the younger guys cant keep up with me. i need some kind of help ive even been to rehab and that s*** does not work.

    can anyone help me?????

  • Tiffany

    MASTURBATION IS COMMON.

    EVERYONE DOES IT.

    NOT EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT IT.

    IT IS NOT SINFUL.

    IT IS HEALTHY.

    /caps

  • Michael

    @ jasmine m- I totally know how you feel, I spend a night with a girl and I get hard and can go on for an hour straight before im done, and then only 20 mins till i want to go again. Just try your best and find a guy your age that is the same, nothing is wrong with you.

  • phillysub1

    I have been married for over 32 yrs. Overall, I love my wife dearly. However, over the years, she has been putting on the pounds - which has turned into a real turn-off. I am not shallow, but visual impages are important towards sex. It has been over 6 years since I've had any! I have even thought about men just to get some physical contact (which I never thought I'd do). I had prostate cancer, which left me with ED, but injection therapy is giving me sufficient hard-ons.

  • Christie Wood

    Im a sixteen year old girl and ive only ever been with and still am with one guy. My sex drive seems ALOT higher than his and I even find myself trying to get him to do things or let me do things to him in public places. I know how risky and bad it is but I cant help my impulses. I dont ever want him to feel like its to much but I think he does sometimes. Ive tried to limit myself to sex twice everytime we see each other but I can never stick to it or I get around it by telling myself its not sex its just a sex act like oral. Im scared I may become a sex addict or make it a chore for him. How do I control my urges and moderate them.

  • Anonymous-6

    I am struggling to avoid masturbation. I don't wish to use it as my sexual outlet and I'm trying to be more productive through my life. My only real assistance is what I can do to lower my libido and not think of sex and the whole platter 24/7.

    I'd highly appreciate it.

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