Having Cake And Eating It Too


My boyfriend and I have been in a warm, caring relationship for about 13 months. We have so much in common (traveling, values, etc.) and are currently discussing our future together in terms of 2 to 3 years from now. He had ended his relationship with his ex prior to our meeting, and told me that they were just friends. I found out 8 months after meeting him that she still comes over periodically to perform a kinky sexual favor for him. I am upset. He does not want me out of his life. He states that I have wonderful qualities that he cannot find in his ex. He still wants us to continue our plans. He states that since he and his ex have had a history together for about 7 years, he can not abandon her. I am just trying to be patient, not overly jealous and hope that this really is going to end soon in my favor. Can he still be in love with her? Will he later make up his mind that the history with her is stronger? Or is he really sincere that we have a future and she will be out of the picture soon?

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
  • ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
  • Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
  • ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. ‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.

There is no way to tell for sure what your boyfriend will do in the future. However, it is clear that his definition of “friend” is substantially different than your own. Your boyfriend is currently having his cake and eating it too. He gets the kinky sex he wants from his ex and then goes back to you for warmth and caring. His needs are being met fairly well right now. Why on earth would he be motivated to give up either of you under these circumstances? Think about it – the chances are low that your “waiting around” strategy will result in his seeing the light and breaking off contact with his ex. I don’t for a minute buy his excuse about how his history with his ex requires him to continue to remain in contact with her. People break off contact with ex-lovers every day – when they are motivated to do so. He isn’t. The real issue here is how long it will take before you understand that you have a right to have your own needs met – including your need for exclusivity with the man you love. It is okay to ask him for this – and to leave him if he won’t give you what you need. Strength, – Anne

More "Ask Anne" View Columnists

Myndfulness App

Designed to Help You Feel Better Daily

Myndfuless App Rating

Download Now For Free

Learn More >