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Having Cake And Eating It Too

Question:

My boyfriend and I have been in a warm, caring relationship for about 13 months. We have so much in common (traveling, values, etc.) and are currently discussing our future together in terms of 2 to 3 years from now. He had ended his relationship with his ex prior to our meeting, and told me that they were just friends. I found out 8 months after meeting him that she still comes over periodically to perform a kinky sexual favor for him. I am upset. He does not want me out of his life. He states that I have wonderful qualities that he cannot find in his ex. He still wants us to continue our plans. He states that since he and his ex have had a history together for about 7 years, he can not abandon her. I am just trying to be patient, not overly jealous and hope that this really is going to end soon in my favor. Can he still be in love with her? Will he later make up his mind that the history with her is stronger? Or is he really sincere that we have a future and she will be out of the picture soon?

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

There is no way to tell for sure what your boyfriend will do in the future. However, it is clear that his definition of “friend” is substantially different than your own. Your boyfriend is currently having his cake and eating it too. He gets the kinky sex he wants from his ex and then goes back to you for warmth and caring. His needs are being met fairly well right now. Why on earth would he be motivated to give up either of you under these circumstances? Think about it – the chances are low that your “waiting around” strategy will result in his seeing the light and breaking off contact with his ex. I don’t for a minute buy his excuse about how his history with his ex requires him to continue to remain in contact with her. People break off contact with ex-lovers every day – when they are motivated to do so. He isn’t. The real issue here is how long it will take before you understand that you have a right to have your own needs met – including your need for exclusivity with the man you love. It is okay to ask him for this – and to leave him if he won’t give you what you need. Strength, – Anne

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