Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Who Answers?

Lingering Feelings For My Old Affair Partner

Question:

My problem might seem small compared to everyone else’s, but I still need help. Two years ago, a relationship ended very badly. I know it couldn’t have ended differently, because it was an affair, and I wasn’t ready to leave my husband. I have finally forgiven my lover, but don’t talk to him anymore, and I still miss him. Things are getting back to status quo with my husband (who never found out, by the way), but I still have these lingering feelings for my ex-lover. How do I get over these feelings? It’s been two years, and I know I shouldn’t obsess over him like this.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
  • ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
  • Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
  • ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. ‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

You don’t say whether you left your affair-partner or he left you. You only say that your affair ended because you weren’t willing to leave your marriage. I gather that you loved this man you had an affair with very much and that it was fairly traumatic to see him go. I also gather that while your marriage is “status quo” now, and probably has its’ share of comforts, that it isn’t terribly exciting for you, or at least that it is lacking in some quality that you have been hungry for, and which was provided in some fashion by your affair. You’re grieving the loss of this lost relationship, I think. It is maybe taking longer to occur than it might under other circumstances because of the secret nature of the affair, and the fact that you can’t really talk about it with anyone you know. I think you need to talk about it and maybe cry about it. Probably the best option you have for talking about your affair and the meaning of the loss to you is with a professional therapist, because such a therapist (a psychologist at least) will be able to offer you confidentiality; he or she won’t reveal what you talk about to anyone, unless ordered to do so by a court of law (which is highly unlikely).

More "Ask Anne" View Columnists

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 Who Answers? 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand