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Missing My Ex-Boyfriend Terribly

Question:

We dated for 6 1/2 months. I met him at a community gathering through a friend, and we automatically hit it off. We adored and loved to be together in the early stages of the relationship. We were basically each other’s muses. I even moved in with him within a month into relationship. Everything was great. He even gave me a ring that once belonged to him.

Later on we began to have trouble finding jobs and spat a little over the simplest things. Then we would argue more and more but always made up.

I had to move back to my hometown 5 months after we moved in together, putting a huge strain in our now long-distance relationship. We would text and call each other 24/7. He even came to see me for 3 days and, it was like old times.
When he went back to his home, it was back to the texting and calling. A month after he came to see me.

I went to the beach with some of my friends. I lost the ring he gave me. I called and tearfully told him what happened. He was upset but didn’t yell or scream at me. He actually said he was going to get me a new ring. Two weeks later he sent me a text saying that the long-distance relationship wasn’t working out and we needed time to work on ourselves. I didn’t want it to end but I tearfully accepted. It was a peaceful split with no fighting. He told me that he still wanted to talk and be friends, but he never texted me after that night.

Two days later I sent him a random text just to say hi and nothing. I didn’t send him anything until a month later. I sent out an e-mail and text to everyone on my friends’ list and on my phone, saying that I had to evacuate because of hurricane Irene. Five minutes later he sent a text back asking, “Who’s this?” I texted back saying it was me and I haven’t heard anything from him since then.

I’m getting the horrible feeling that he doesn’t love me anymore and wants to forget me. I’ve been in complete agony and very depressed and crying about it every day ever since. I feel like a part of me is gone, and there’s something missing in my life. The thing is, I still love and care for him.

Why would he act like that after all we’ve been through? Why does he want to pretend that I don’t exist? It’s really killing me. All I want to do is cry and be alone.

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Answer:

You write that “all you want to do is stay alone and cry all day.” I hope you will forgive me if I go back to the wisdom of my late grandmother. I know that she would tell you that, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” It’s not particularly profound but it is true. When you are done mourning about this lost relationship you will be able to find a man who is loving and who wants the same things in a relationship that you wish for.

Having said this, there are a few things you need to be keenly aware of. At the risk of sounding old fashioned (like my grandmother?), both you and this boyfriend jumped into sex and living together much to soon. Believing you loved one another, the two of you decided to live together after only a month of dating. That’s a problem because you really did not know one another and were under the influence of infatuation. Now, don’t misunderstand. Infatuation is a wonderful thing. It’s like a tonic that makes everything in the world look wonderful. Who needs drugs when you have infatuation? I’m kidding but only to a small degree.

After that initial high that everyone gets from those initial feelings of love and romance, reality needs to set in. Once it does, two people get to see one another’s blemishes. There is nothing wrong with that and it does not destroy romance. It does replace infatuation and it needs to. Infatuation is what gets us started. After that, we need to really learn about one another. The two of you never had that chance. Real commitment would have allowed the two of you to tolerate the long distance. Hopefully, it would have allowed him to express his anger with you for losing the ring. My guess is that, instead of showing his anger, he stuffed it, felt frustrated and broke it off. At least, this is my theory or guess.

Please know that the difficulties he had with your leaving, losing the ring and etc, were unexpressed. Remember too that the two of you were fighting for a period of time. These were red flags, warnings that this relationship was on shakier grounds than you suspected. Again, this is my guess.

Instead of being alone at home, go out with your friends, talk about this over and again, whether they can stand it or not. Talking repetitively will help.

Give your self time to mourn the end of this relationship. Then, move on. Remember my old grandmother, “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

Very best wishes.

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    I'm sorry you are going through this. It really stinks. When my ex and I broke up after a 1 year relationship, it really hit me hard. I would even have panic attacks over it so I have an idea of how hard it can be.

    It's very natural for you to feel the way you do, even from a biochemical stand point. When you are with someone and especially if you physically intimate with someone your body produces a chemical called oxytocin which makes you feel bonded to that person and want to protect the relationship.

    If he is not right for you (and if he is not committed to you or emotionally available, then he probably is not), you should consider making a conscious decision to do what it takes to move on. Still give yourself permission to feel what you feel, but take time to nuture yourself and grow from this experience. Channel your emotions into making yourself a better person.

    You are grieving. The feelings are going to be similiar to someone having someone close to them passes away. Let yourself go through the grieving process but also be committed to allowing yourself to heal. Surround yourself with supportive people, journal, do yoga, cry it out - whatever it takes for you to move forward.

    Consider going to therapy if you are really having trouble. In addition, be your own therapist. Strategize ways for you to meet your goals of moving on. There are little things you can do such as removing items in your home that have strong memories associated with them. Try to take on a new perspective and alter your environment: Rearrange your furniture, buy a new bedspread, paint your room. These will open your mind up to a new beginning.

    Post self-affirming statements around your house or on your bathroom mirror. It may sound corny but really helps. Write out the things about yourself that you need to hear. For example, "I am lovable. I am smart. I am beautiful. I have supportive friends and family who love me."

    Best of luck to you!

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