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I Confuse Myself?

Question:

I’m young, in High School, and, I guess you could blame this problem on teenage hormones. I’ve been very confused with my boyfriend recently. I only started dating less than a year ago, and the relationship I have now is the longest one I’ve had, and its been a bit over 2 months. He’s been getting very jealous of me and, jealousy is a huge turn off.

Now, we’re “taking a break.” It seems that when I’m not with him I want him really bad but, when I get him back, I feel kind of apathetic. Today he told me that he was tired of it and if I ever wanted him back I would have to gain his trust again. I promised him that I would. I tend to “flirt,” subconsciously, with other guys and this strongly discourages him.

What would be the explanation for this problem I’m having? Why do I want him when I don’t have him?

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Answer:

It is not that you are having a problem as much as you are learning about boys in a different way than ever before. You are learning about how to romantically and sexually relate to them, just as they are about you.  That is normal for a teenager like yourself. Many young people, perhaps most young people, feel awkward during these first stages of dating. It’s hard to feel committed to one person when there are so many others who are around. The length of teen relationships seems to increase with time and experience. For example, it is perfectly natural for you to “flirt” with other boys when you are with your boyfriend. After all, they are attractive, maybe even more so than him. Curiosity about them is part of the process and being exclusive is hard. That is probably the reason your boyfriend gets jealous. Naturally, you don’t like his jealousy because it limits or confines you.

Very often, it feels better to love another person when they are unavailable than when they are there. After a couple of months of being together, you feel ready for a new relationship. Natural at your age. However, when the two of you are apart, the original loving and romantic emotions from a couple of months ago, come up again. You start to miss him and, maybe, even start to feel jealous and have these questions going through your head: where is he, is he seeing another girl, is it that he doesn’t like or love me anymore. This is true for adults, too. They no longer want their ex love but, they don’t want him or her to be with anyone else. It’s not logical but, who said romance is logical? Then, when you are with your boyfriend, you again realize why you don’t want to be with him. Like you said, “jealousy is a big turnoff and it really is.

Oh, yes, don’t forget that you may no longer find him to be so attractive anymore.

I know that none of  this is easy. Remember, I was once your age and remember what I experienced. I can only assure you that there is nothing wrong and you have done nothing to apologize for. What I mean is that, you haven’t done anything to lose his trust. Flirting is normal. You will continue to learn, whether with him or other boys. You certainly deserve the chance, while you are young, to date other boys. Gradually, one of those relationships will last a long time.

Just be patient with yourself. It seems to me that you are coming along very nicely.

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