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20 Year Old Female: No Friends, Depressed, What Should I Do?


My whole life I have never been 100% happy. There were times where everything was going great, but there was that feeling of insecurity that something would soon go wrong, and I would become depressed once again. Throughout my life I always found myself being friends with people who weren’t really true friends, and leaving behind those who would really be there for me when I needed them and were true. But by the time I realized what I had been doing wrong (a senior in High School), it was too late and the only friend I had left was just considered my "friend" to me because I didnt have anyone else. They would be people with problems themselves (bipolar disorder, cutting themselves, shoplifting, drug using, getting arrested, putting me in situations that I got arrested for, etc.). I have always been extremely shy, but when times were good and I had at least a few friends, I found it so much easier to be more friendly and introduce myself around people. Entering college, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to meet new people. But my 3 roomates made the situation worse. One was depressed and overweight, she never spoke, had no social skills and only left the room to go to work. The other one was bulemic- she would eat enormous amounts, throw up and then tell me about it after she did it. She would also fill her wall with pictures of anorexics and keep an online blog about how little she ate or how many times she threw up. My other roomate became I guess my "best friend" of the group. She hated our school and would complain and cry about it everyday, and did not make any effort to meet any friends and only talked about transferring. Although I liked the school itself, she made me feel hatred toward the people and everything associated with it. Because I am so shy I was hoping that since I chose to have 3 roomates at least one of them would want to meet new people and then as long as I had one by my side I would have the confidence to meet new people. But none of them wanted to go out, so I too stayed in our dorm room all the time. Now it is sophmore year, one of those girls transferred, and the other two are in singles. I have a new roomate from the virgin islands. Shes really nice and we get along great but we have virtually nothing in common with each other. My weeks at school basically consist of nothing, I work out daily, get mostly "A"s, and eat extremely healthy. I sleep way too much, though (till 12:30). Because I have no friends, I lack confidence. I think, "why would anyone want to be friends with someone who has none." People come up to me all the time in the elevator of my dorm or in my classes and I feel like I have nothing to say, and make the simplest situation awkward. I go to one of the top 40 universities in the US, and I want to be successful so bad but lack the social skills. I want to apply for an internship at Goldman Sachs I have all the credentials and know it would be great experience, but I know I don’t have the social skills to make it in that atmosphere. I am honestly terrified of talking to people, I will avoid all talking situations at any cost. I honestly don’t know what do: any suggestions?

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Yes, I am pleased to say that I have many suggestions.

It appears from what you describe of yourself that you are struggling with two big problems:

The first problem is that you experience a lot of depression. One aspect of your depression is that you lack self confidence and experience low self esteem even though you are clearly very intelligent and are an excellent student.

The second problem is that you are suffering from a social anxiety disorder. As a result of this social anxiety you avoid situations in which you can be with people. In your dorm situation you accepted who ever happened to be there. The trouble is that roommates in dorms are rarely satisfying and I hear lots of complaints from myriad numbers of student. Your hope was to have dorm mates with whom you could go out and socialize but none of them were able to do that.

What to do:

1. I am fairly certain that you have a health center on campus that includes a counseling center, a psychiatrist to administer medications and counselors with whom you could talk. I want to urge you to take advantage of the service. I want to strongly recommend anti depressant medication that will also help reduce your anxiety.

2. In addition, you really need to start talking to a professional who can begin training you in behavioral strategies to help you learn how to interact in social situations. If the University only provides short term psychotherapy allow them to refer you to someone who practices in the community near the school. Your parents will have to pay for the therapy unless you have student health insurance through the school. Most university counseling centers keep a list of good therapists in the community to whom they refer students.

3. Also, follow this rule: When you feel like you do not want to go out, do the opposite and go out. When you feel too nervous or shy to be with people, be with people. Do the opposite of avoiding regardless of your anxiety. When you feel like you have nothing to say, look people in the eye or at their face, SMILE and say: "Hi, how ya doing?" Force your self. Social anxiety is something you can reduce but you have to start taking some chances, like going to parties, saying "hi" in the elevator, etc.

4. Do more than just going to classes. To this end, there are various clubs and organizations on campus made up of students who want to be involved. As someone who wants to work for Goldman Sachs someday (and you will be able to) get involved in business types of clubs. Get involved, involved, involved. If you are too afraid to do so…do it anyway.

With the help of medication, psychotherapy and your own courage, you can overcome these problems.

At the moment I would guess that your depression results from your social anxiety and once you get that resolved you may not need medication.

Be courageous, meet people.

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  • Anonymous-1

    I can totally empathize with the young lady. I, too am a 20 year old female who feels that it is difficult to make friends. If you ever see this comment, girl, email me ( I would LOVE to talk to you.

  • Anonymous-2

    I really feel for this girl. I had the same problems with both depression and socializing in college, made most of the wrong friends and would cut them out of my life usually out of an irrational fear that they would take advantage of me. Now two years out of college I find its even harder to meet new people and make new friends in the corporate setting. I believe this is a common issue for young girls, the depression and the social issues, for many reasons. But my best advice is spend time giving to yourself, liking yourself and creating goals, accomplishing goals has really helped with my self-esteem issues. Once you find you're nicer to yourself it usually comes natural to give and care for others, which makes you a better candidate to attract friends. How exactly we can actually meet new people and potential new friends...thats where I could use a few tips. It doesn't seem like there's as many opportunities if you're out of the college setting...

  • angelStar

    This is crazy. Im 22 not 20 but I deal with the exact same issues. Its hard. I do have a boyfriend but he is in school in another city. And I've realized that outside of him I have no life. So i dont want to suffocate him because of that. But its hard not having someone there.

  • Anonymous-3

    I have the same problem here... it is very very difficult being depressed all the time... realizing no reason to be happy. Being a dumb person, No one to talk to, not even to my family... no friends and no special someone and just being alone. My other big problem is that I'm a guy, you know how much different world we have and I somehow grew up to be different to everyone in my society.

    I have friends but I also have trust issues... I can't actually say they are my real friends...'cause I just realized that no matter how close we are and no matter how good I am to them, somehow they will just make fun of me. And now I can't really open myself up to anyone even to my closest friends.

    My parents pushed me to be in a college course which I really don't like. And now that I graduated the course I don't really know what are my options, I'm gonna have the profession they always wanted me to have, but in my heart I'll never be happy, 'cause I know this is not right for me, all my interests and my hobbies, myself as a person and everything that I feel does not fit in that profession.

    I want to apply jobs that fit in my interests but I'm not just qualified for it, 'cause I'm not a graduate to such course that leads me to that profession/job.

    But somehow I look to the brighter side 'cause not everyone who has the same kind of my problems cannot take it and they commit suicide. Sometimes I've been thinking about that... but, I just don't... 'cause I see this as just a test in my life and somehow this makes me stronger to anyone who I have met and because of this I can tolerate problems that some may think big.

  • Sijo

    Sadly to say i'm 23 yrs old, married and in the same situation. I have not made any new friends since i was in high school and it's driving me crazy. I was never the type to have a "ton" of friends but always had a close 3 or 4 that i was close with, aside from aquatainces. I don't go to school, so no one to possibly talk and get to know there. I also work from home with my own business and get very lonely. I'm so depressed that i've literally shut out everyone that was in my life. I haven't spoken with my mother since Christmas, but haven't actually seen her in about a year since her and my dad are now divorced. My grandmother died in 06', my brother doesn't talk to me much, though i always tell him i'm there for him to call me if he needs anything, he's in jail now, and my husband and i are in bankruptcy living with his mentally ill brother in law, that i cannot stand and i have no car to get away and my husband works too much and we haven't had a vacation in over 3 years. I just wanna scream sometimes. Sometimes i feel like giving up. But i can't because i have a strong will and i'm not a quitter. But it really sucks. I wish i could just move and start over. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking of taking classes again and some type of work out activity to get out of the house at least a few times a week. I really need to do that. Sorry so long i just needed to get this off my chest.

  • Tony

    I am in the same situation. People always comment that I am very nice and a model to fallow. When it comes to friends, it seems they avoid being with me or they don't consider me as a real good friend. For example, they party without inviting me or they invite me at the last minute.

    Because I do well in school, the only time they invite me or talk to me is before an exam so I can help them. My first semester in university was very fun. I had a lot of friends (that`s what I though) but it rapidly went down. I completely stopped talking to people for 2years (I graduated) and didn't care about anyone. I feel that I do not belong to this world. I have a nice future in front of me but I don't care because this is not the kind of life I want.

    After reading this article, It seems that I have a big lack of confidence. I like talking to people but avoid it because I don't want to think that they are my friend when in reality, they are not. I sometimes have suicidal though and sometimes, I am very euphoric for no particular reason.

    My email is


    BTW, I wrote this e-mail in a minute because I had to return to my lab. Sorry about the mistakes

  • Anonymous-4

    I'll be your friend, because I'm exactly like you.

  • D

    I didn't know other college students experience this type of situation on a regular basis! I went to a small university in san francisco and hardly made any friends, much less ones that wanted to stay in contact after we graduated. I always felt really embarassed that I didn't have any friends there and that discomfort spiralled into difficulty meeting more people, etc. I have a boyfriend too but tend only to spend time with him... so i definitely understand that desire to go out and meet people. I'm just stumped about how to start too =) I am so sorry things are difficult for this 20 yr old, but I hope she takes a shot at the internship. good luck girl!!

  • Jose

    At age 33, I want to say that I feel the same pain as this young girl. I'm a health professional, and people tell me that I'm awesome, that I'm very patient and sweet to patients, and tease me in a good way. I'm seen as a good person at work, but yet outside of work, I have no friends whatsoever. My co-workers talk to each other about personal matters, but when I try to also come up with personal things, they obviously look uninterested. I know I'm not witty and don't have any comebacks to people's jokes, so maybe they see me as a good worker, and that's it. It seems as if those at work who slack off, are the ones whom people socialize with. I hang out with some people sometimes, but I don't have someone to go to as a friend. I haven't had a true friend since my early 20's. I'm not unattractive, but I fear having a girlfriend because I worry that she will find out that I don't have anybody to socialize with. Gosh, I'm financially ok, have my own home, but no friends. I feel like I'm living for nothing. I want to go to parks with families, get-togethers, have bar-b-cues, but instead, I just stay here at home with nothing to do. What's wrong with me?

  • vanguy

    You are not alone!! I am 33 and in a similar situation. I used to have close friends but ended up losing them all when I went to university. I spent most of my free time studying and moved around a lot. I had lots of "friends" at university-- classmates, work colleagues, etc., but nothing long term as most were moved away after finishing. Now, 7 years later, I realize that I made myself so busy that I neglected to maintain any of the really good friendships that I once had. However, I am fortunate enough to have found the love of my life at school and we will soon be married! The problem now is that with my school workload winding down, I am beginning to realize that I don't have any friends and what makes it more apparent is that she has quite a few! Although we do have some mutual friends that keep my/our social events calendar fairly full, these friends really are more hers than mine. At first I thought it was kind of funny that I didn't have any friends, but now I see that it probably isn't too healthy, especially since my only non-work related emails are spams and my cellphone only rings when my family or my fiancé call! I should mention that I did make efforts to reconnect with my old friends, but they are now mostly married and too busy with kids and family, etc.. So anyway, the more I think about it the more that I think that there is something really wrong here. I'm starting to feel like a stranger. I guess I should be more proactive like some of the other posters suggest. The idea of searching for new friends does seem strange, but I really feel desperate to do it. Sorry for this monster of a post and good luck to all.

  • Her

    Who knows if anyone reads this thread anymore. Im 21, almost 22 and feel so sick about it ive stopped eating and stopped sleeping. IM gonna be 22, no college degree, not even close to finishing it. My old friends are all married and degreed. I never envied them before because i thought that while they would be starting families i would be having the time of my my life. well, im not. i never got out of this small town. I have no friends. not even one. i have my cat and thats it. i have no boyfriend, no prospects. sometimes i feel like just calling old exs and begging them to take me back so i dont have to be so alone. I hate my school. and i feel like such a failure for not having a degree yet. everyone in my classes are 18 so i feel ancient. oh life, must you be so hard???? : ( : ( oh yeah, ive resorted to crying in my car and the back of the classroom.

  • Raven

    I am in the same pile of mud, or should I say quick sand of depression and social detachment. It only seems to get worse. I tend to act cheerful and polite in work or school situations, not because I enjoy the people around me, it's just a self-defense mechanism that doesn't let me display my vulnerability. At the same time I loathe myself for not being honest about my feelings and ache for people whom I can be sincere with. I'm in college and I'm active in a club. But I see everything as "educational" and never was able to have fun. No one understands my jokes or is interested in the same things I am. Like the other commenter said, it's the people that goof around that seem to have more friends, or are we just taking ourselves too seriously? I don't know. A sense of pride usually accompanies low self esteem. I know because I'm a prime example. I'm 24 years old and going to college again makes me feel like I'm 15 and still in high school. The depression is debilitating. I can't focus on doing anything and it just snow balls. First thing tomorrow morning I"m going to see the school's psych counselor, because the urges to hurt myself is coming back to me from my teenage years. I'm smart enough now to control it but I don't know for how long. Well, who ever you are, thank you for reading my rants and I wish the best for you. My email is posted so maybe some more rants could be exchanged.

  • Anonymous-5

    Wow it truly is amazing how so many felt this way. And probably even more if they had the chance to see this! So ironically maybe we are not so alone, its just that we don't know.

    My first college experience was so like yours! I had 2 roomates and I had such dreams of a first year. I heard ppl tell me how they found their best friend for life during the first year. I didn't think that wonderful but I had high hopes. Will, you know how it turn out. One of my roomate also hated the school so much that she talk about transferring all the time and only talks on the phone with her friends and never go out. She transferred during the 2nd semester. My other roomate was social, oh soooo social that she doesn't even come back to the dorm! I see her once a week or something and then not at all for 2 week. Or if she does come back, its like 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning. She sleep at her boyfriend or some place I don't know! So its like I am in a single room with no roomates at all! The dorm I lived in, wasn't what I saw it was, it didn't really fit me very well. Full of girls who party too much and I couldn't even get a conversation started with them. The school is so big and I don't even know where to begin.

    You always see articles telling people how to make friends in college and stories of how it is hard at the beginning but then they make friend. Well the happy ending didn't happen for me. I didn't make any friends at all during the first year. What I did realize is how light the bond between people is. You see them and you talk but then you might never see them again because the school so huge that it is possible for the 4 years you will never meet them again. Things just doesn't really last, so very transiant. It comes and goes that why we suffer. At least that's what I learned in my class: Suffering is the result of lack of permenance. There is a solution: become a monk!! Not very possible though.

    Cheer up, life sucks sometimes but we struggle so much because we can never give up hope. We don't want to just say that's it there is nothing more. We want to sometimes almost stop trying yet we simply can't. As if stop trying is harder than just not giving up. It is hope, and sometimes it hurts alot but don't ever give it up because even if we do not get the happy endings told in stories and movie. We must still believe and never regret on our life. Then it would be a good life, a successful one!

  • lonely highschooler

    I'm only 16 and I feel the same way. In high school, when I first started out, I had one friend. I thought it would be enough to keep me happy, but she was really depressed and always wanted to be alone... meaning I had to be alone too. I tried meeting other people who seemed nice, but as soon as I felt that we had a friendship starting, they would find their own group to be with, leaving me alone again. Once I finally thought I had a wonderful circle of friends during sophomore year, my best one failed some classes, so her parents forced her to start home schooling. Another close one graduated. One is pretty much drifting away. one is now only hanging out with her boyfriend. leaving me with very few friends for my Junior year (which starts in a week). I will have 3 friends, but out of those people, one always gets randomly mad at me for no reason and ignores me for weeks at a time, and the other 2 are sisters and don't really get too close to me because they have each other, and we don't see each other outside of school. Plus, recently I was dumped by my boyfriend... So I'm pretty much depressed like I was at the start of many other school years. Fearing that I will be the one sitting alone at lunch, not talking to anyone. (I only have my permit, so driving out to eat by my self is not an option) I cry for hours, I know it's pathetic. I lose a lot of sleep over it. I'm extremely shy, and meeting people is always REALLY hard unless a friend introduces me to their other friends and we all hang out. And with nobody for that and nobody to help me feel better in these situations, I really don't know what to do and where to turn. I'm someone who lets loneliness get to them, being alone really hurts. I'm always the one working alone, unless someone wants to copy my answers. I do really well in school, which I guess makes me appear really nerdy, antisocial, and unapproachable.. or something. but yeah, if I have nobody to sit with at lunch, I'll skip eating and sit in the library to read. (that caused me to be just 70 pounds my freshman-part of my sophomore year) I haven't hurt myself, but I have felt like I wanted to before. I don't know, I just feel like I'm different. like everyone else there has a ton of friends, with he exception of me. why do my friends always seem to disappear?

  • Anonymous-6

    im 17 years old and i am going to be a senior. i have always had a core circle of friends and i always had a lot of friends and people to hang out with.All through sohpmore year i was always outgoing and was a pleasureable site i guess.But in the begining of junior year all my friends decided to ditch me as in lie to me or not invite me to go anywhere and were very blatant about they dont like me anymore.It actually forced me to drop out and start going to an adult education center.After that things picked up a little but not being at the same school and having more alone time i only saw them as people i partied with more than friends i could fall back on. Now all these people have started thinking their to cool for me and such and this summer and i wasnt even suprised when i thought the 3 friends that i started hanging out with all the time started to act all disinterested in me. Now i dont ever feel like doing anything and i seriously feel so worthless that im going to not have many if any friends and no girlfriend throughout my senior year in high school i feel like i cant even be a people person anymore i find myself waking up at 1230 playing basketball at the park by myself coming home at 2 and sitting around all day i got a minor job mowing yards but it occupies 8 hours out of my week i dont know what to do im not even in a real high school im a complete wreck right now

  • Laura

    I completely understand what everyone here is going through. Here is my story, maybe someone can relate to it. I'm 19, this should be the most promising and exciting time of my life but it's not. I have extremely low self-esteem and that combined with my obvious social phobia has made it impossible to do the simplest things that others take for granted - talking to people, looking them in the eye, expressing my opinion...even talking to people on the phone. I know I'm not a good-looking or funny person, but does that mean I'm destined to feel this way forever? It hasn't always been this way, I rememeber a time before my adolescence during which I found it easy to make new friends and go out, even have fun! But then i hit puberty and i turned into a person that's awkward and full of self doubt. I have a couple of friends, but those relationships were established years ago and I have a constant feeling that these(attractive and funny)people will not stick with me for much longer. I rarely get out of the house, and even then it's either to shop or to walk my dog. My days are spent in front of a computer screen, bored to tears.

    If anyone should happen to read this, and feels the same, has some advice, or just needs to talk....feel free to drop me a line or add me on msn (

    After writing this, i first felt apprehensive about opening up to strangers on the internet but then I thought-what have i got to lose? I think I've already made a microscopic amount of progress by even putting myself out there, so to say.

  • j

    I can relate with all the people talking about their senior year of high school. i just feel like im wasting my life away. i'm supposed to be having fun and i rarely have fun. i have one friend who is my boyfriend and who i only see once a week. i have no job, i'm not in any clubs at school (but im about to be) and i have no friends at school. there are people who i talk to sometimes but nobody who i can really relate with. i just don't know what to do sometimes. please email me if you want to

  • Kate

    Whatever we do- we must not label ourselves with a psychiatric term ie 'personality disorder'.

    I beleieve that doing so can make us feel that there's no hope. Clearly this isn't such an abnormaility, and the only thing which makes us feel that we're so different and not as 'good' is the beleif that we are! Having a doomy diagnosis does absolutely nothing but 'confirm' our worries that we have an unsolvable problem. The only thing that is worthless is the worry itself. Without them there'd be no problem!

    Other people, too, (or to be more specific i'd say at least 90% of people) fear rejection- they just don't recognise it as a problem, and don't allow it to govern their thoughts.

    I'd very much like to hear what anyone has got to say, if anyone wants to speak about this then email me :) I'd be happy to talk! (20 years old)

  • Jlws

    I feel the same way too, I'm 21 and engaged but I dont' really have any friends. At work people seem to like me and in classes they do but no one ever wants to hang out with outside of work or school. I really dont' know why, I never had a problem getting friends till my sophmore year in high school, I was an army brat and moved around alot but that was the first time i had probelms getting friends when we would move. But now i've been at the same college for 3 years and I am going to be graduating a semester early with my bachelors but i dont' have friends, no one to go to the movies or to dinner. I have tried being proactive, but it doesn't seem to work, maybe i don't do it right, i'm not really sure. i'm in a few clubs but those poeple dont' seem to really like me and it seem slike i'm just uncomforttable all the time. I know that with me it seems like i just rub people the wrong way :(

  • Anonymous-7

    it seems like every friend I do make blows me off or turns out to be not what I thought. I have been robbed and stabed in the back by everyone I come close too. I have my boyfriend and sister and of course the rest of my family but it isn't the same as casual friend/group of friends. I feel like I am missing the female support friendship.

    O yeah not to mention I live in a house with a bunch of single mid-twenties men, I feel like I am in a foreign country half the time.

  • Matt

    I have never had platonic friendships and to me, watching other people bond is like being an anthropologist in some strange tribe. I have no idea how it happens -- it's something other people do. I don't mind so much being an introvert but sometimes I miss social interaction. But I don't see how one could change the doctor's advice above seems like an incredibly daunting project: "with the help of medication, psychotherapy and your own courage..." It's good advice but may be putting the cart before the horse. Where are you going to get the courage and discipline it takes to undergo this project? Sometimes it helps me to take an opposite approach, and just not care. That's not to say give up, but rather, just stop worrying so much what other people might think, and realize you are who you are and there's nothing wrong with that.

  • Alison

    I feel the same way. I'm only 15 and i have 2 friends at school but they arent close friends and they dont contact me outside of school. I'm very shy around new people so i always avoid situations where i have to meet new people because i never know what to say to them or i'm afraid they wont like me. I spend most of my time at home on the computer. Also i feel like im invisible, i see people from my class out of school and they dont even recognize me or say hello and they are people i see everyday at school. I dont know if i am depressed or not, sometimes i just feel like crying but then sometimes i have times when i feel ok and i feel confident. I dont know what to do or how to make friends. I've never had a boyfriend before, boys hardly even look at me let alone talk to me, i know im not pretty but i didnt think i was that bad and this lowers my confidence even more. i dont know what do and will it be like this for the rest of my life?

  • DAnyst

    i was in the same situation...3 years a go...i am 18 right now...not to many friends but i learnd how to be sociable... sea... you probably have nutiin' to talk about because you refuse it... if there is ever a subject somebody opens and you got the chance to speak... do it... just ghive you're positive opinion... wath you think, wath you know, and one more thing... try to be superficial but don't let them realize that... it's just a mind game to make you foget about who you are))... good luck... i hope you'll do fine... now go get them:)

  • Anonymous-8

    I am in exactly same situation. 20 year old college junior. no friends at all. everyday i go to college, attend classes and come back. There are many days when I don't even speak a word at school. I hate myself to death but the expectations of my family keep me alive.

    I dunno why but I am feeling a little bit better after writing this :)

  • shane

    Many psychologists just focus on depression or disorders as being your problem when in reality its the environment your in. People in schools are vague, shallow, don't care about your background, and are generally poor friends.

    The social hierarchies in highschool and college are zero-sum games (win-lose) with no purpose except to advance in the hierachy. This is very similiar to what takes place in prisons.

    In order to make friends you have to do activities that you enjoy without the purpose of making friends. If you go out looking for friends you will meet people that will not be good friends. "Hanging out" is also a bad way to make friends, you need to be particapating in an activity that has a purpose (like playing a team sport). Join some clubs, play a sport, or find an activity outside of the school (learn martial arts), but don't sit around in your dorm, hangout at the mall, or wonder around at a club/bar (except if dancing is your reason to be there).

  • Anonymous-9

    My life is pretty much as similar to your stories as it gets. My life consists of doing many music-related extra curricular activites @ school, and that`s it. I come home, either eat, take a shower, nap, or plant myself in front of the television. No one ever calls me to hang out or to just talk, excluding my friend who`s already in college. My mother tends to give me a hard time about my non-existing social life and often times penolizes me and tells me, "Who would wanna be friends with you?"..see, back in middle school, I had a large social circle, and even had many boys chasing after me. But throughout the course of high school, i`ve become isolated and dress with no intentions of looking good. With college auditions coming nearer, it seems my life just becomes more pathetic with every day. My sister doesn`t seem to have any say in the matter, considering she is always out with her many groups of friends, and my parents feel there is no hope for me in making any friends. I`ve had countless friends whom have used me, betrayed me or simply got tired/bored with me and never again made contact. I`ve suffered with depression for many years, yes, but nothing I do in the "positive" factor seems to have any good influence on myself. I don`t drink or do drugs, hell, I don`t do anything except homework and practice. Anyone who has hope for me, please respond.

  • Anonymous-10

    What I don’t get is why so many of us friendless people have girlfriends and boyfriends. Isn’t it harder to get a date than a mate?

    It’s also interesting how most of us are intelligent, average to good looking, and would never consider ourselves to be mean. And to think stereotypes portray the friendless to be the exact opposite!

    I’ve just entered my senior year of high school, and yet I too have no friends. I get high marks, I think I actually look quite handsome, yet I can’t hold a conversation without awkward silence. I had very loose friends until midway through grade 10, when they “kicked” me out of their table in the cafeteria. I had no where to go, and I was so terrified of being discovered alone in the library that I now just walk around outside for the entire lunch period. I have a girl who has (or had, she’s probably figured it out by now) a crush on me. I can’t pursue anything, what the hell would I do if she ever found out my situation??????

    The answer, my dear friends, is of course only one: being OUTGOING. If you consider the popular kids in school, or anywhere, it is that they PROJECT themselves onto others. Consider: Ten unknown 17-year olds get together. The popular ones are the ones who lead the conversation, the ones that talk the loudest, have the best body language, who are the most enthusiastic. Believe me, having something to talk about comes way second. What are you (or for that matter, me)? The one who does not PROJECT, the one who waits to be spoken to, the one who has no confidence, and therefore, looks awkward. So what happens to our little group? The ones who PROJECT bond to each other, and everyone else is kicked out. And that, would you be you (and me).

  • Anonymous-11

    anyone who want to be my friend email me :)

  • Teresa

    I'm feeling pretty pathetic right now. I don't have a boyfriend- haven't for 10 years- and I only have acquaintances at work. Reading some of your comments, I see myself in them. I used to have a best friend when I was younger into my teens. She was really social, and put herself out there. I was along for the ride really. But she started to treat me disrespectfully. Even though I knew this, the thought of going it alone frightened me too much. I didn't think I could make friends on my own. Well, we parted ways when she purposefully withheld information that would have made my life alot less stressfull at the time. I tried to get her to apoligize, but she didn't, and that friendship ended. I've made friends since, but these friendships have ended- they usually end it. I feel pretty lonely now, and feel like what's the point of putting myself out there. I'll probably be clingy again, and expect the person to be my best friend- since they'd be my only friend. Ahh. I feel terrible writing this. Frustrated. Thanks for bearing with me.


  • Anonymous-12

    i feel the same way! if anyone comes up with a solution please let me know. it feels so hard to break into groups of friends that have already been friends for such a long time

  • Anonymous-13

    Wow. I thought I was the only one. I'm 20, a junior in college, and I have no friends whatsoever. I go to class, come home, and basically get done what needs to be done throughout the day. I had high hopes of college a couple of years ago too. Low self-esteem, shyness, and I guess social anxiety has definitely been a major factor in this. I didn't realize until a few months ago that I don't know HOW to make friends, yet it wasn't until college that I didn't have any. I made three friends in kindergarden at a tiny little school that I kept throughout elementary school, then we all went to the same middle school where my old friends introduced me to new people that they met who became my friends. The same thing happened in high school. One of the friends I'd met when I was four and I started at a new school and the only reason I had friends there was because she introduced me to all of the friends she had made and other people would approach me first. By the middle of my senior year I had plenty of friends and a good social life. Then something happened (to make a long story short, it became apparent that hanging around with my friends wasn't a good idea anymore and had caused enough trouble, especially for my family) so we lost touch. My other best friend moved halfway across the state to go to school. I finished the second half of my senior year and had the idea that it would be easy make friends in college. But now there's no one to "make friends for me" and I'm at a loss because every semester I "just do it" and push my nerves aside and talk to people in class and it's nice but nothing comes of it. In fact, I don't see anyone actually meeting friends in class. They either happen to know each other already or have social circles that start in the Greek system (not my thing) or in their dorms. I don't live on campus. Everyone in clubs knows each other already. Not to mention we don't have very great club options here. Then the semester ends and a new one begins and I still haven't made any friends. It wasn't a big deal at 18, but 20 is pathetic. I've started getting really horrible feelings about it now that I'm halfway through college with no luck. I know that the next two years will be exactly like the last two (not horrible, but friendless) It's like the whole world knows the secret to making and keeping friends and I didn't get the memo.

  • what a drag....

    i too am in a similiar situation. im a junior in college with few friends, social phobia, and no girlfriend. Infact ive never had a legitimate girl. In high school i could tell a couple of girls felt something for me but i never built the courage to do anything about. Ive felt so much regret beacuse of this, i wish i could go back sometimes.:(.... I go to class, drive home and thats it. I too have some days where i dont even speak a word at school (i've rarely asked questions in class!!, and asking a professor about something face to face makes me uncomfortable), and im ashamed of myself for that. Like many, I have no idea how I became like this. I lost track of most of my friends upon graduating from highschool, and the few that i 've kept in touch with are kinda boring. Becaue i am a guy, making male friends isnt that big of a deal, but when the time comes to start socializing with a girl, I CHOKE. aghhhhh. Total lack of confidence, i guess. And the fact that i've grown up in one of the most boring cities in california doesnt help either. Everyone looks so social and happy sometimes, it just makes things worse....

  • Julio

    Hey You Guys I read Most of everybody comments & I completly understand everyone I wish we could all meet and make friends. Im 20 year old male & Im a good person ever since I graduated highschool life hasnt been the same I lost contact with everybody nobody real anymore. Most people that I know are in college but we dont talk anymore. I have no girlfriend its been since 2006 till now going through this struggle it doesnt feel good I hate it. I can get a job anywhere but always ended up not liking somebody from work people now ideas cant be trusted there just lame. They want you to be somebody that your not. I dont want to pretend Im a fake like somebody else but thats what there looking for why cant you except the person for what they are. I would love to share with people my ideas and my conversations but its just not worth it anymore. I dont know what to do anymore I decided to join the military just to get out of this worl U.S. Navy well teach me how be a leader and maybe start a whole new life. thxz for listening

  • Anonymous-14

    i can totally understand what you guys are saying. i am a 25-year-old guy, in graduate school, and have basically had no friends since about elementary school. i've been depressed and anxious and sexually confused for most of the time. like some of you folks, i've had friendly acquaintances, but that's about it. those are nice but not the kind of fulfilling social interaction i feel like i need. so it kind of sucks.

    i have found that talk/group therapy and meds are helpful to an extent. if you haven't tried talking with a therapist you should. you don't have to be legally insane to talk with one. BUT you really do have to "meet it halfway" and put a lot of effort in it yourself...

    i have found that it helps to just TRY to be optimistic and do your best, even if nothing ever comes of it and you feel like shit. because you never know. best wishes-----

  • Anonymous-15

    I understand what a lot of you are going through. My first two years of college I had a couple of friends, but most of the people on the small campus I was living looked at me like a charity case (it was a rather upper-class student body, and im middle class). So I ended up having panic attacks, dropping out, and moving back home. I worked for a year and now am back in another school. This ones' huge and a commuter school for the most part, and after a year and a half, I have not made a single friend.

    So I've decided that if I'm not graduated by next December, I'm dropping out for good and taking up a skilled trade (electrician training). You dont need friends at those schools, you just learn the trade and youre off on your own. The only times I feel bad about myself are when jerks at school make me feel that way, either through snide remarks or dirty looks.

    Over 1/4 of people have no friends, its been proven. Thanks to the internet and the pace of modern life, there are fewer and fewer opportunities to let relationships build. So stop making yourself crazy trying to compare yourself to others and be yourself and go do something. By the way, the popular people usually dont have any real friends either. They just have a whole bunch of social climbers, sponging off of their status.

  • Anonymous-16

    About all people like us can do is to stick together and become friends with each other. Nobody else will ever understand how it is we are basicly aliens to them hehe they get scared off by us. If anyone would like to chat or anything you can email me at

  • Anonymous-17

    I'm 23 now and am back at college after a few years out of education. I'm enjoying the studying and the subjects but all the rest for me is a hell. I know a few people in each of the classes but that's about it. Most of the time I'm alone, just like I was at highschool. In the classes there are some really talkative people who always seem to have something to say and then there's me quiet and only speaking if someone speaks to me in the first place. In groups I can never think of anything to say.

    It would be great to talk to someone, my email is

  • Danielle

    I used to feel like most of you do. I had no friends, no boyfriend, and felt restricted in life so much that I felt it wasnt worth living if this pain is all there is.

    Then I got mad. I felt that i was just as good if not better than the social people I admired from afar. Its called a little self confidence. I started taking chances, decided nothing was wrong with me. Took to heart the statement that "you have to be a friend to have a friend." I am now best friends with the first girl i decided to make my friend. She is getting married and I have an interest. I am so happy for her!

    It took a long time and sacrifices to become good friends, but was well worth the effort. We laugh at what we did and said to each other when we were becoming good friends. When we had our first fight is something we find hillarious that we share with people all the time.

    I am now organizing a group of twenty or so people to go out tonight. It feels great!

    I hope that some of you will find hope and inspiration from my successes. And just a side note, I still get depressed and feel lonely from time to time. I try not to dwell on those things, that helps a lot. Try to keep busy and productive so you'll feel good about yourself.

    Spirituality has helped me out a lot. Here's a link to a christian site, Jehovah's Witnesses. There you can read topics on just about everything including Why we are here, and get sound advice on depression and family life.

  • ashley

    I am 27 and I've let this affect me all my life.

    the original cause for my self-esteem problems was a girl in school who hated me. she turned everyone against me out of jealousy (i was "prettiest," whatever that means, and she was "second" know?)

    I let the torture from grade school persist into high school and did not even go to college though I was accepted because of social fears. In a way, I feel like I was able to see the shallowness from a very young age and stuck by myself because of it-for 20 years!

    now I'm going back to school, finally, and after years of having a boyfriend but no friends I'm not dating until I have a circle of friends, and am finally letting myself do all the things I want to.

    to all of you in your early twenties who are struggling, just know that you don't have a "disorder" or something simplistic like that. you're probably a nice person, and social structures don't really make room for that. love you, as corny as it sounds, know that you are both unique and normal, (yes it's possible!) and you'll be alright. focus on what you like, and what you think. so what if someone else thinks you're...everything you're terrified they will? mean people pick up on people's fear and use it to make themselves more powerful. avoid them.

    do you! and whatever (healthy) things make you happy. god will take care of the rest-including those mean folks.

    love 2 you!

  • Anonymous-18

    I hear you 100%. I have always been an extremely shy person, but I managed to have at least a small group of friends, up until my last few years of high school. I became really depressed, and my friends just got fed up and ostracised me. I spent 3 years as a complete outcast, and told myself that things would change when I got to university.

    I went to University, and things *did* change. I did make some friends. However, things didn't change as much as I hoped. We never really hung out socially, we just sat together in classes and saw each other around campus, etc. Everyone had their own group of friends from highschool, and I felt awkward about how to go about how to initiate interaction outside of UNI, without a group of friends of my own. I always felt it would be easier to be able to casually say "my friends and I are doing this-would you like to come?", rather than asking them to hang out just the 2 of you-or worse-if you could tag along with their friends. It just seemed like that would make me seem like a desperate loser, and make them feel awkard.

    While at UNI, I never ever went out on weekends, or during the semester breaks. I didn't do anything about this, I think I assumed that, eventually, things would change. However, when it was the last semester of my 4 year degree and nothing had changed, I sort of panicked. I felt like I was out of chances.

    Finally, I started making some changes. People weren't going to "come to me", so I would have to take the initiative. Just little, if 2 of us were talking about a new movie that was coming out, I would seize the opportunity and suggest that we go. If they said they were already planning to see it with someone else, instead of getting all embarassed and uncomfortable, I would suggest we see something else instead. (After all-what's to be scared of, really? Who is going to think something bad about somone who is innocently asking them to see a movie?) You won't win friends by acting clingy and asking them to do everything with you, but at some stage, someone has to take a first step. I also had to change my thinking, from "Oh, I have nothing to talk about, this is going to be so awkward" to "Here is an opportunity to meet people/get to know someone better".

    I've found it extremely helpful to read the book "How to win friends and influence people". Mostly because it made me realise that people who do well in social interactions are really all just following a lot of "rules" (whether consciously or unconsciously). Things like being sure to remember peoples names so you can refer to them by it, to relate things people are saying to something from your own life, act positive, find something to compliment them on, etc. I had always just kind of "acted naturally" in conversations, and wouldn't actively try to do these sorts of things. It may seem fake, but a lot of people who are good conversationalists are probably just using all these "tricks". Once you find some common ground and build more of a rapport it becomes more natural, but when 2 people are just meeting, you can't be expected to both strike up a conversation straight off the bat.

  • Anonymous-19

    i too have the same problem. i am 26, with no friends. when i was young i was always shy, but i had good friends. but when i was about 12, i lost all my close knit group of friends, and became socially lost. it was then that i began to try and seem like something to others that i wasn't. i had to keep making up excuses in my head about who i was or who my friends were. but all i began to have was aquantances who i never hung out with. i lost my identity, and took on a very aloof and mysterious persona. i'd sit in class, very nervous while everyone else was goofing around and talking. i was serious, i thought too much, and i took all the worries in. i couldnt express myself, i watched all the cliques around me, and i faded into depression and anxiety. the only people i've been able to get close to or be myself with (besides my mom) is my boyfriends. i've had boyfriends who are my best friend, and have no one else to hang out with. then when i lose that boyfriend, i am again left alone. it makes it hard to deal with relationships in a way too, because i expect so much out of that person since i have no one else. i've dropped out of college a few times, due to a lack of focus, major anxiety, etc. i've quit more jobs than i can count. i run away from almost all social interaction whenever i have the chance. if i cant run away, i get extremely panicked. i've been on and off medicine (not for a long time, it does nothing). i've tried therapies, i've tried the aproach of jumping into things (usually backfires if you arent emotionally ready). i hate large groups of people, thats the worst. anyway, i'm making slow slow slow progress and getting stronger over the past couple years, but still do not have friends. i'm hoping to change that soon. i just started a new trade school so i hope i have luck with that. even just knowing it is 9 months long makes me anxious cuz i am scared of what my classmates will discover about me and my anxiety. my brain is constantly filled with thoughts of what they say behind my back. that i'm wierd, quiet, etc. one girl already told me to loosen up! she has no idea that makes me feel even worse about myself. i need to work on my confidence and most of all about letting go of caring what others think. that is my biggest trouble. i have to accept myself and my problems as best as i can. it is who i am. i have to just stop letting others dictate how i live my life. (much easier said than done). it is a day to day process of gaining stregnth, picking yourself up over and over after you fall, and learning to be your own friend. after that, you can slowly start opening up to the situations of talking to people, despite what they may think of you. and actually possibly be surprised by the results sometimes. i like the advice someone gave about joining a group you like, not to make friends, but just for yourself. then you may run into someone that is just like you. anyway, i would like to talk to anyone who feels the same as me. i need people to talk to, it gets very lonely somtimes!

  • Anonymous-20

    This is the first time I have tried to look into this and am amazed to see that I am not alone. I had a small group of friends in elementary school and the group of us were bullied by the rest of our grade. One of them and I were the only ones who went on to a different high school than the rest, and she and I continue to be best friends to this day. In high school I met a lot of new people but many of them already belonged to social groups from elementary school. I was involved in SO much in high school that I had friends and many different groups that I belonged to. Then when I went off to university, it all changed again. By this time, my best friend from elementary school had moved about 12 hrs away and eventually got married and how has a baby. Four of my other friends from high school are now married also, and the rest moved away when we all went off to post-secodary school. So I was the only one from my high school to go to the small university I went to, and did two degrees at once. My first year in residence was a disaster because my room mates were horrible, as was the rest of my floor - a lot of cliques, which I couldn't stand. I eventually went out and met other people from other residences and became friends with them and joined a number of clubs and groups. I have was always a straight A student and although I had my share of partying with these friends, school work came first. I met my boyfriend, whom I am still dating, when I was in third year, and we have now been dating for 2 years. I just graduated in June, and from my group of 8 girls, only 3 of us are not engaged or married already. Now we are all back in our hometowns, and in search of teaching jobs, I managed to find one immediately and teach full time now, but at a small school with only 4 other staff memebers, who are all older than I am and married with families. The girls from university all live closer to each other than me, and I tend to never get invited for get togethers and when I offer for them to all get together with me, they never respond or make an effort to plan anything or act on the plans that I suggest. I am now back living with my family and commuting to my job, and it has dawned on me that all of my high school friends are all gone or moved away or married with children and so i have no one here to socialize with and my university friends all live at least a few hours away and never seem to be able to make time for me, but can for the rest of the group. I am still dating the same guy from university but he is still in school for another two years because he is doign another degree. I am friends with all of his friends but I feel like I don't have any friends of my own. He and I have had some issues lately because we are in two totally different places of our lives right now and he is still 2 hours away from me, same as its been for 2 years now. I feel like if anything were to happen to he and I, I would totally be alone. I don't know how to meet new people. My teaching job takes up most of my time. I do go to the gym periodically but no one wants to be bothered when working out. I don't know of clubs or things to join now that I am this age....
    If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know!!
    I am totally confused because I do make efforts to get together with my old friends but they are not returned and I don't get it because its not t hat I am shy, i am outgoing and easy to get alogn with I have been told...but I don't know how or where to go to make new friends...
    If you'd like to talk, you can email me at

  • Shane

    If you are wondering about specific activities to do to meet people: become a volunteer in something you have skill/knowledge in, become a political activist, go to philosophy open mic nights at local cafes, join a bowling/baseball league, join a camping/hiking/biking club, learn an instrument/join a band, experiment with activities that you have never tried (you may end up liking it). Places to find info: go to a community center, look in the classified ads for events and/or community sections, check bulletin boards at your local college, check the stores that sell camping/hiking/biking supplies for bulletins, check out a local church (preferably one that is friendly and open with no holier than thou attitude). That is all I came up with just off the top of my head, so if you do some research i bet you can find something to do.

  • Lorna

    I think I know exactly how everyone else is feeling here, and I'm so glad that I stumbled across this website as in a way it's nice to know that there are other people out there who are feeling exactly the same way as I am. Like everyone else here, i used to have no problem in making friends, and even now I still get e-mails or texts from old school friends who ask me to go out with them, but for some reason i've just kind of isolated myself and don't want to go out and talk to these people and pretend that evrything is fine. I've had friends who have cheated with other friends boyfriends, bitched about each other etc and after a while I just got sick of the hassle. Sometimes I honestly feel ok with not having any friends, but then when things are bad or I need someone to talk to, I miss having someone that I can talk to on the phone or call over to my apartment. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for just over two years now, and honestly without him I just don't know what I would do! Anyway if anyone would like to talk, please feel free to e-mail me on Thanks

  • amy

    I thought I was the only one like this? I am 19 so younger but have had no true friends for so so long. I've felt like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Anyone want to talk?

  • Allan N Schwartz

    All of you are welcome to join our Mental Help Net Support Community. All you need do is press the community link above and sign up. You will find many people who will be happy to engage in discussions and support with you in the forums and we, the staff, are there to add to that support and provide guidance.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-21

    I am 25 and going through the same suitation as everyone .I have tried to change myself more than million times but I could never do so.I can be friendly and talkative for a little while then I come back to being me ...shy,quiet and akward.Wherever I get the beginning I tend to make a very good impression but as time goes i change to my own colour.I always get that vibe from my employee or managers .......what made us hire this psyco................I can't make ye contact with people and can't hold conversation for more than 2 minutes.I pretend to be busy or pretend like not seeing them when I run into my managers or supervisors.I work in aretail store....i am a cashier job is basically ringing up customers but I enjoy working on the floor more so I dont have to face people...(even thoug its a lot to do).I wanna have a standard job but my social skills is holding me back.I think i can never change myself...........

  • tony

    i am 39 and all my life i was considered the quiet guy no one wanted to talk to me and i can't say i blame them who wants to talk to a guy who does not talk i have always felt a little shy and akward i always felt nobody wants me around not even my own family and as a result have low self esteem i do want friends but find it hard to make friends i never know what to say i don't want to say the wrong thing and offend people i try to be funny but people just look at me weird so yea i understand a lot of your pain.

    have a good one my friends

  • Gunny

    When I went to elementary school I was one of THE kids to talk to in my circle. Life was good, always hung out had friends. Then I moved and over time made new really good friends. Moved back to where I moved from and had found all of my old friends just did not want to hang out with me anymore. So after a bit in highschool I made(very slowly) new friends but they werent very great friends, good friends but not the kind you hang with almost every weekend. Then they all went to college and I did a stint in the military and came back to town, no friends again. I thought ahh go to college can't wait for college, ill have new friends, girlfriend. All that, semester is over and nothing, my roommate is cool but he dosen't seem to want to hang out with me, we go to eat sometimes but thats it. I tyr and smile and be nice to people, I don't look bad, I don't know what it is people just don't see me as a friend. I keep telling myself next week, next month, next semester will be different but this cant go on forever.

    Oh well maybe god will look down on all of us and help us get some sort of social life.

  • Anonymous-22

    I am 37 and lonely by choice. At the age of 23 I was diagnosed with OCD, a mental disorder. This didn't stop me from reaching my goals ike completing my education and immigrating to USA. Now I have nice job. When I became mentally ill, I have seen people mocking at me, on my face. Since then I started moving away from people.

  • Anonymous-23

    I found myself pondering, like alot of you, for many years. First I thought - late bloomer... Some social success was found in the Military. But after returning to civilian life. Things seem to spiral down. little by little I shaved off more and more social ties to anyone. If I didn't work with you or forced by some routine of life's survival I would not keep ties or in contact. Hell I barely call or visit my parents and they live on the same street as me. Antisocial .. no.. I love to talk. People at work think I talk entirely too much. why no friends then? why I do not seek or put effort into it?... I figured it out .. and it's a mix of science and lore. In the balance of nature - only the strong survive. The runts of litters and deformed animals just die.. the strong ones still have to struggle to survive as it is. Survival is difficult.. only a few species are so resilient that they survive regardless of what the environment throws at them. Everyone can understand that from watching animal planet and all your other nature shows.. thinking along those HUMAN LIFE.. ooh.. we have an advantage over all other species on the earth.. we have medical science .. technology.. machines.. controlled environments.. what happens... the weak survive.. and in most cases become strong............. physically. however.. here is where the lore comes in to play.. If you believe in god or higher powers.. there is a thing called MERCY.. in the balance of nature some things are just automatic.. So here is what happened.. God or Mother nature snatched the soul to the Baby that wasn't supposed to survive by all practical means... but thanks to mankind and medical science the tissue and bone survived.. it is 36 years old now.. and finally it has figured out that it was born without a soul.. no longing for friendship. No care for anyone or anything.. unable to love another human... has only pretended all these years to have these emotions because of media and stories from other humans. Has figured out that anytime he has liked someone it was because of some selfish need. Never once in his life ever liked someone for just no reason. Humans with souls somehow , subconsciously know when there isn't one present in another.. so friendship is avoided. Soulless humans however cannot detect this. So this is why there are so many groups of non caring selfish backstabbing clicks out there. Thank god I'm not in one of those clicks.. Read deep into yourself.. ask yourself "have I ever loved someone non-conditionally?" and be honest!! you may not have a soul. no soul.. no heaven.. all you are is a meat machine.

  • Betty

    Look I havent read all of your very sad stories but i have read some of them and please dont hate me for sounding so harsh but STOP dwelling in what has been done and said. PLEASE look forward you are the only person that can help yourself. Everybody whether popular or not liked or fat or skinny or pretty or ugly has at one point been in the same position and I bet they have questioned themselves what is the point or something along they lines! But at the end of the day the only person that can help yourself is YOU so you have to start believing in yourself and deal with everything life throws at you cos that is life is it not meant to be easy it is a challenge and in the end it makes you a stronger and more decent human being. xxx

  • Anonymous-24

    I was reading some of your comments here and I can't blame any of you for feeling the way that you do. Society has placed too much emphasis on "sociability," social skills, friendships, relationships, and being "sociable." These things are good at times and are also necessary at certain times in one's life. But if you look honestly at the world around you, you will see just how unrealistic this is. No one has ever been the king of socialization or the master of friendships. Friendships happen by chance most times and relationships take time to develop. Sometimes relationships never develop. In today's world, people seem to go their own ways and experience life by themselves. Friendship can happen, don't get me wrong, but if it doesn't we must learn to be comfortable with this reality. In fact, there are ways to find the friendship you desire or the companionship. There are clubs that you can get involved with, spiritual/Christian groups you can sign up with, and colleges/universities where you can take classes and meet different ones. Small-intimate colleges are most useful.

    I've always despised the way in which society has deemed one "important" or "sociable" because they socialize or have friends. Having friends or companionship doesn't make you great nor does not having this make you a failure. I think we truly need to reconstruct our concept of what life is.

    From a theological perspective, lonliness is sometimes used by God as a tool to pull you nearer to Him to awaken you to His voice and His love and friendship. If you feel lonely and nothing else has worked and you can't seem to feel fulfilled, then I would recommend seeking spiritual guidance. If not this, then perhaps counseling would be sufficient. Some counselors can help you to identify your need for companionship and perhaps offer some tips on avenues you can take to help you through your loneliness.

    I understand where you're coming from. I have felt the terrible grip of loneliness, espeically during a particular time during the year. For many, this holiday season (Christmas) can make people feel very lonely. My mother has experienced extreme loneliness and many of my colleagues proclaim their need for friendship.

    One of the most important things I think we can do to help ourselves is to do some honest introspection and be open-minded about various avenues we can take to achieve a better person. Whatever your idea of seeking help might be, whether that is through spiritual guidance, counseling, meditation and yoga, reading self-help books, etc., I'm sure you won't remain this way forever, especially if you put your mind to and become motivated to seek help or guidance.

    I wish you the best. :)

  • Miss M


    Funny thing, I have always been a social person. I had friends growing up, and always had a couple of best friends. In high school, I had plenty of friends, then I went to college, and I kinda stopped talking to the high school friends...i went to college far away. in college i joined a sorority...i had friends left and right. then i met my fiance, graduated college and didn't see my best friend much. Now i am 27 and can't seem to find a friend i have anything in common with. i am fun, pretty and smart. sometimes i feel jaded by people as i was an ugly ducking who turned into a swan and people made fun of me in grade school. I am active and work out 5 days a week. I am a good person and i believe in the goodness of people, even though i have been proven wrong many a times. i have my fiance, but it's not the same as having a girlfriend. I can't seem to have the same connection with my past friends, i feel like they hate me. Other girls still have their best friends that they still talk to. I don't and I can't seem to find a new friend. It's sad...i have a sister, but we aren't close.

  • Allan N Schwartz

    Dear M,

    At this point and stage in your life shouldn't your fiancee be your best friend? You say it is not the same thing as having a girl friend. Actually, a fiancee or husband (spouse) is supposed to be your best friend in every way.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Im 19 and already going bald! My life sucks...

    Im a virgin and have only one friend left but he wont stick around much longer. He no longer feels as my real friend anymore. I hope life will get better but the clouds dont seem to lighten.
    I dislike a lot of things about my body but I think of myself as a good guy who takes pride in being good to others.
    I no longer feel like meeting new people because I expect in advance that It will be a unpleasant experience.

    If I could just meet a nice girl who could love me then screw the rest! I just want one special person in my life who I can feel completly safe with and love.

    All of you who is married just dont get to complain sorry. Enjoy what you already got instead. You have what life is all about.

    Sorry for the parts of the text that didnt make sence. Im danish and my english is far from perfect. Well people, I wish you all the best.

  • Lisa

    i feel like many of you, except i have never been to the doctor to talk to anyone about this therefore i have not been diagnosed with anything. i am 19 and since i have moved to miami 8years ago, that is honestly when all my confidence, and social life completely disappeared. in middle school i had some friends but they never seemed permanent or true. then high school i did meet a good handful of good friends. i stay in contact with a few since i've been in college. i never go out with anyone except my sister...and no one even calls me anyways to hang out or see how i am doing. i feel depressed. lonely. and plain useless. i feel that i have to constantly be at school/work so i don't get even more lonely. everyone i seem to talk to who are new friends, seem to ditch me off. i feel like maybe i'm just a big ugly loser. i feel sooo embarrassed when someone asks me what i do for fun, or what i do on the weekends or do i hang out with my friends. if only they knew i dont even have friends. well i do keep trying and i hope it pays off. i really hope so.

  • Dan

    It's OK for people not to like you, and it's OK to not like other people as well. Once you realize this you'll be better off.

    Do the best with what you have, with where you are at, with who you know, and build on that- now matter how small.

    I've read online that certain cultures consider shyness a gift. Shy people just have to take things slowly- embrace that!

    If you've lost friends, just find new friends, people change and grow all the time.

    If people aren't "liking" you, perhaps it's because they perceive you to be not participating.

    Don't rely on school or work to be you're only social outlet, try meeting people from different neighboorhoods, activities, and environments.

    Talk to people and want to participate, people will not come to you.

    If people don't call you or invite you out, try to ask them out if they don't respond, look for other people to be with. There's like 6 billion people on this planet, always try to grow and expand your horizons, because when you don't you begin to wither away.

    You're life isn't as bad as you think it is, everyone in life has their own personal "hell" having no friends is the cross that you have to bear and overcome.

    Use the advice here as inspiration to help you along. And remember that doctor's advice is just that- advice. Doctors recommendations are not absolute and are not perfect they're human also.

  • Anonymous-25

    ... I'm not depressed, and I rarely feel lonely. I realized a while ago, that it's mostly in your head.

    I like to look at this from a pseudo-scientific perspective.

    Your sensory organs capture all kinds of data from your surroundings and transmit it to your brain for processing. But the possibility of what all this information means is infinite and void at the same time, without somekind of reference. Basicly, the way you perceive reality is entirely dependent on what kind of meanings you've assigned in your head. Some of these meanings you get when you're born (the really basic stuff), some of it you let society assign and most of the rest you assign yourself. But none of these need be definite, they can be changed when needed, although it might be easier said than done, but it's certainly possible.

    What I'm saying here is, that whether the concept of having no friends is good, bad or meaningless/neutral, is largely up to you.

    Personally I think it's meaningless, and this mindset has enabled me to be more honest and not afraid of losing friends either because I know I'll be alright anyway. So I don't really have any anxiety either, and I know this is just how it is in my current life situation, if I want to go out and make friends I know it's possible and I'm not afraid of doing it.

  • Anthony

    I'm a 20yr male n i to suffer from social anxiety. Anybody want to talk I am a great lisenter so i've been told n it would be really great to talk to females instaed of the guys at work.

  • Anonymous-26

    Wow, so much of what I have read pertains to me as well. I am in my 30s now, and really have no friends. In the past, I had friends, but I was never really popular. That was ok, because I had people I cared about to do things with. I moved west a few years back to create a better life for my family. I do have a great husband and kids. But I also left behind my career, friends and any self esteem. I have tried to join groups, the local PTA is like a sorority, they ask for help but when I (or others like me) offer, they do not call because I'm not as young and self assured. I have volunteered at the church, with local groups, etc. but I never seem to find any friends that I can talk to. I am terrible in large groups and much better when I can talk to someone one on one. I spend many hours alone and have a tendancy to just imagine what they are saying about me behind my back. I try to act like nothing bothers me, I try to "act" confident...I am spending so much time acting, that I have forgotten who I am. Whenever anyone is sad or hurting, I try to help and to be there, but it is never reciprocated. I try now to only focus on my family. My kids keep me going and my husband tries to be supportive, but he works most of the time. I am feaful that my lack of social skills and the fact that I have no friends will have a negative impact on my kids. The moms around here only get their kids together with the kids of other moms whom they know and socialize with. I'm scared for them and want the best for them. Has anyone else experienced this?

  • Anonymous-27

    to the poster and everyone else - I know exactly what you are going through. I've skimmed most of the comments, and am relieved to know I'm not the only one experiencing something like this.

    I am 22 years old, and have dealt with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I have been on medication since I was 15. I consider myself pretty decent looking, and to have a pleasant personality. but I have fallen out of the loop.

    growing up, I did have social problems, but in high school I had plenty of friends. I only had one or two very close friends though. I would constantly obsess that everyone hated me and didn't really like me. Looking back, I see how wrong I was and how many opportunities I missed out on. towards the end of high school I was so overwhelmed with depression and anxiety that I started to withdraw from my friends - and before you know it, high school was over. I moved to a different state to go to a small, private college - without knowing a soul. making friends was difficult at first, but I was lucky with the roommate situation and had a social life in no time.

    but something happened somewhere along the line, I got lost, and fell back into old patterns of thinking. I had been feeling pretty good though, so I decided I would try to get off the medication (w/ a doctor) that summer. My third semester at this college was awful. I could barely leave my apartment because I was paralyzed with anxiety. I didn't keep in touch with anyone and I declined any efforts to go out because I didn't want to, and was too afraid.

    I decided to go to school part time for the semester, and then take some time off. During this time, I became involved in an unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic - we were even engaged (which I competely regret). We were together for a little over a year before I finally ended it. During the relationship I was extremely isolated and had no social life outside of work or my boyfriend. I was miserable.

    Thankfully, something clicked, and once the relationship ended I was full of ambitions. But then I realized that I had no friends. It was my fault, really, but extremely terrifying. I was lucky to have good co-workers and I guess that you could call some of them "friends." We got along great and had a great time...but it wasn't the same as having an actual social circle.

    I decided to transfer to a very large university, which is where I am now. Again, I moved without knowing ANYONE. I was terrified. I got a job, worked for a few months, and then quit because I was beginning school again this semester. I have been here for 6-7 months and have no friends (I have 1 or 2 people that I keep in touch with, 1 that I hang out with on occasion, but they do not live here). I am so lonely and depressed. I have begun counseling, but I'm not sure if it can help. I am inherently shy, but I feel like one of the biggest burdens right now in meeting people is describing what I "do for fun"-because honestly, I don't do much. That makes me sound incredibly boring. The thought of telling someone that I don't know anyone here seems absurd.

    I told myself I wouldn't make this post long, but it seems I've kind of rambled on. Even if you only skimmed it, just know that you're not alone.

  • Anonymous-28

    I have lost 4 of my best friends tragically to death (drugs, suicide. murder) My other friends were no longer there during an abusive marriage. The ones I got back were never the same. Our kids too socialize like you spoke of. In the summer, you can walk by and the kids will play outside with each other, but that makes me so uncomfortable, thinking what are they saying about me when I walk away. During the winter, the adults go to each other's house, I'm not in the loop. My children have grown up being homebound, with limited friends too. It's very lonely and I feel like a misfit. I pay for a cell phone that nobody ever calls. Shame you don't live on the east coast.

  • d.a.

    You mention to get over the social anxiety is to force yourself to go to parties and say hi. Well if you have no friends, how would you be invited to parties? They always say this, yet the shyness prevents you from meeting people, so people don't even know you exist. The problem with society these days is that everyone is too self absorbed, and highly selfish to care about the people that just don't fit in. When you exhaust avenues to meet people, the friends you have are always busy, how do you break out of the cycle and meet new people. As you get older, the harder it gets.

  • Matt

    Hey im 14 and feel the same. I feel like I always have to act at school to even survive there. Being myself would just make people think Im weird cause Ive been acting since the start of the year. I wish I could be myself but that just wouldnt work at my school. I have people to sit with but theyre just not like me at all. (nerdy, immature) I play guitar, basketball, and enjoy other sports and other things. socially I just suck.

    i really wish I could have friends that I could do things with out of school. I cant seem to find anyone, and I suck at making new friends. Its been about a month since ive been with anyone out of school. I pretty much could be considered a freak or loser by today's society. I can be really awkward and I never seem to say the right thing.


    BTW my mood jumps up and down really rapidly. One day i might feel like, what the heck? il be outgoing and say whatever i want. then the next day il feel depressed and antisocial. It even makes me tired and i just want to sleep. i know im weird.

  • Anonymous-29

    I know how you feel too. But at least you still have school and more chances. I'm 22 y.o..I finished school and I don't even have school to try to make friends with. I don't have the option of joining clubs anymore I do have one friend left, but I feel as if she's not really my friend anymore. I feel like I'm losing her and she's not really talking to me anymore either. I don't have any other friends, I don't a boyfriend either, I don't even have a job, I have NOTHING! At least some other people who are alone have their boyfriends or husband at least. And I feel so alone and depressed all the time. I'm even too shy to try to pick up the phone or go out to apply for a job. So what am I suppose to do.

  • Allan N Schwartz

    You do appear to feel quite hopeless about your situation. However, there is every reason to hope. You must take the first step and that step is to go to psychotherapy. You will probably think that you cannot afford therapy but there are mental health clinics that provide low cost therapy. In addition, there are self help books on how to deal with and over come shyness and social anxiety.

    Whether it is through books, psychotherapy or both, the way to move on is by taking action. Anxiety and shyness respond best to action. In fact, in terms of psychotherapy, I would suggest Cognitive Behavioral Therapy because that is based on doing things as well as thinking. The self help books, available on this web site or in the public library and book stores, provide strategies to help get you going.

    Meditation should be added to your learning process in overcoming your shyness. In fact, meditation groups are extremely inexpensive and there is the opportunity to learn to speak to people there.

    The time for you to start is now.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-30

    I have always had issues with friends, either they were jealous of me and would some how some way try to destroy my good spirit. However there have been times where i have pushed friends away as well. I want to have more friends but i do not know how to go about making new friends. When it comes to men and dating, i often get sick of their behvior or their lack of commitment, or i possibly push them away. Howvere i always have a valid reason as to why i do. I find myself making up things to catch them in a lie. I dont know why i do this. I really want to fix these issues so i can move on and have a healthy life. what should i do?????


  • Anonymous-31

    I can't belive there's so many ppl who feel the same way.. i tought i was, well not the only one, but i didn't think there was so many people who felt like i do. I'm 17 and lately i've been feeling so depressed. I have 3 friends who i'm pretty close too, and i see them a lot. But we have been friends for like 3 years now, and i've realised my social life has only been with them. I havent been to any major parties, that are, well i think, suppose to be part of high school. and i feel like i've missed out on so much! Before, i was with my 3 friends and we could have fun doing pretty much nothing, but we've gotten older and its really not the same... i want more friends, different ones, i need some "new" in my life. i never do anything exciting during the weekend, alll i do is go to school , then go home, wait for the weekend, but then do practically nothing. it sucks. i feel like i'm wasting my time,, but as if i'm stuck in a rut. People at school already have there friends and there "gangs" or wtv you could call it. i can't just come up to another group of people and try and make myself part of them. People don't like that. I don't know what to do. I'm going to college next year and i can't wait cause i think i could meet new poeple, but will that really help? i don't even know.

    My life just feels so un-exciting. i can't bare it anymore.

    im suppose to live life to the fulllest at this age, have the best memories.

    and i'm just doing nothing. and i've done nothing.

    this is so depressing.

  • Anonymous-32

    I seem to have this issue as well. Having gone to a state school, I had a really "good friend" who hung around with me all the time whilst we were at high school. She had her own religious issues though, and also very restricted parents who wouldn't let her do anything at all. (ie. she isn't allowed to go shopping even). Having also had family issues from the middle of my time at high school, I found myself seemingly stuck with her ever since as she was in all of my classes. She was loud and overbearing, and more often than not I found myself not able to stand her. Now that I've graduate high school and studying a tough course at a prestigious university, I've suddenly lost all contact with her and found myself friendless. I had several other friends at school, but I find it difficult bringing myself to speak to them when I'm home in the holidays, because I feel that people at school know and perceive me as somebody else. I basically feel used by her to get through high school, and missed out on a lot of opportunities to gain the respect from people that I wished to gain and be friends with. Looking back, it had a lot more other negative effects on my life as well. Now whenever I come home for our 4 week vacations, I get anxious that I feel so alone and depressed. I have the pressure of work as well to get through, and sometimes I just feel so depressed that I can't push on with my work or any aspect of my life. Things don't seem so much better at university. I had a tough start due to the similar issues, and feel that I've had to swim against the current a lot of the time. I've grown and developed to be more assertive now, but it still doesn't get rid of the feelings of anxiety and anger that I have towards things in the past. I keep thinking what it would be like to have all those times that I have spent on my relationship with that person on other people and establish normal healthier relationships. I feel that she has held me down for years, and it's making me anxious of how long it will take to get over this.

    I have tried counselling (it wasn't all that helpful) and talking things through with a tutor. It has affected my grades from first year due to the depressive feelings, and I've considered taking a year out to sort out these issues because it's difficult juggling my work with this. I've even tried to join some societies and meet some people in the local area, but it's difficult to meet people my age now that we have left school.

  • April

    Wow you guys it's sad how I feel better knowing I'm not alone.....

    I've always been the weird, geeky, loner girl since elementary school! I was shy in preschool... in elementary school I had a few best friends, a shy best friend, and I found that my circle of best friends talked about me behind my back because I was different: I was always the tall girl, and I was mixed instead of full Asian like them.... I had a house full of pets so they thought my house was dirty.... and I had a slight hunch back and an acne problem, among other things... I had 2 bullies in middle school, and I've never been part of the "in-crowd," but not the most extreme geeky girl either. I've always been geeky in behavior/manner, though...

    Anyway I liked this guy a lot in high school and did everything in my power to be with him. I finally did, but I excluded myself w/ him only and pushed all my friends away. They weren't really true friends, anyway. They talked about me behind my back. A few girls were genuinely nice but I spent all my time with my boyfriend so I excluded them. I did the drug, ecstasy, with my boyfriend frequently... about 10 ish times within 9 months! That fucked up my verbal/language skills and my excitement levels... I couldn't be excited for anything after that.

    I went to a prestigious university, and like a girl from a previous comment: I was awkward socially. I have an exercise routine, get straight "A's," and eat EXTREMELY healthy! Lately I've been sleeping in until noon too, and I've lost my sex drive with my boyfriend... I think i am depressed. I've tried to get back into that group of friends from high school but they awkwardly exclude me and are shady- I feel like they invite me to their gatherings out of politeness but they don't push for me to see them. They don't call anymore and I think they feel uncomfortable when I make an effort to hang out w/ them again... sigh. I'm not being paranoid- I know for sure they don't care to see me but it's tedious to list the examples.. So I kinda gave up on that recently.

    I'm super awkward with my co-workers at work.. they're my age, or in their early 20's. They pick up on my vulnerable energy. They think I'm younger than my real age because I'm so timid. I'm not myself AT ALL around people my age... I put up this fake, polite block.. and act real nice. It's so fake I wish I could break out of this barrier I put up..... I'm so anxious of what they'll think of me I automatically go into this acting mode.

    I think ecstasy has to do with my depression.. the effects are permanent. I'm stuck with my boyfriend- i come home every weekend to see him I'm attached, even though I'm getting so used to him that even the romantic feelings have faded.

    So yes I feel you guys.... and I am just as alone and awkward.

  • April

    BY THE WAY.. I just want to leave my e-mail if anyone can relate or wants to talk as well:)

    and i just read another comment... that a girl feels awkward when asked what she does "for fun." HAHA omg me too :( One of my co-workers asked me what I do for fun and I stammered... nothing came to mind. I don't know- I'm usually doing homework at the university I go to (on weekdays) and then I see my boyfriend on weekends.. it's a routine.

  • Kevin Jurek

    I too, like yourself deal with socail anxieties, but from a misanthropy prespective. I do like the doc says, and just do the opposite of how you feel. I try to remain optomistic about humans in general, but there's alot retards out there. Every now and then i find someone worth a damn. Just gotta keep on keeping on! fight the good fight.

  • Anonymous-33

    Live off campus freshman year. Stay inside all day. Skip half my classes. Grades are falling. No friends. No girlfriend. Virgin. Sleep in until 3PM and stay up all night on computer. Feel extremely lazy. Porn addiction. Watch hours of tv.

  • Jenna

    I read the poster's comment and agreed with everything completely, the only difference being that I have elected to stay off campus, instead of in the dorms. I'll be 20 next month. I work out daily. Make A's. Eat healthy. But no friends. I have tried to make friends, but not very hard. I have expected people to come to me, but they never do. I realize I have to do the work, but it seems too debilitating. I simply want to flee when I even make eye contact with a girl. Forget guys. I don't even trust them enough to believe anything they say to me. I'm paranoid that everyone can see my flaws and I'm a vulnerable mess everytime I draw attention to myself. The weird thing is that I'm comfortable drawing negative attention, but not positive. I can talk for hours about my history of an eating disorder, drug abuse, horrible relationships, etc. But if I get a haircut (which I did today) I freak out about the attention I receieve. I want to touched/looked at/talked to because I want the feelings that accompany those things, but I don't want the actual things. There are added pressures when I attempt to speak with girls because I'm very confused about my sexuality and I generally objectify the women I speak to and/or become paranoid that they will "find out" that I'm attracted to them and be incredibly repulsed...probably an extension of my parent's religious beliefs. When I'm not working on schoolwork or working out, I'm stuck in a fantasy world and escaping reality through TV or the internet. Occasionally books. I'm also battling several addictions. I believe I've won these, but replases are not impossible. My past addictions have included: caffeine, marijuana, crack/cocaine, alcohol, cigarettes, porn, binging/purging and fasting. I no longer indulge in any of these. I take Lexapro (20mg) and see a therapist, but I feel as if my problems are not going to improve until I have friends/a support system. In the past my mother and I have had an extremely codependent relationship, with me going to her for advice and help in any and every situation. She has "rescued" me often and made me feel exceedingly comfortable in the dependent role. I think independence will help me a lot, but it's hard to be independent when I still live with her. I don't have a job so I can't afford to move out. I know the only person who can change any of this is me, but I am typing this mainly so that someone has the opportunity to reach out to me if they feel they could befriend me. Oh sure, type thirteen million pages worth of negativity and expect people to be lining up to spend time with me... Hah. Well at least I have several sarcastic comments to liven up the convos.

  • Anonymous-34

    Man, this just breaks my heart hearing these stories, but you know what? There is a reason, why some people go through more pain and misery than others. God is testing us. Testing our faith in him. If we pass, we will be rewarded more than the rest. Trust me when I say this. I have heard of so many stories of people like this and how successful and happy they become. Happiness has nothing to do with having lots of money, good looks, lots of friends/mates, or being popular. Just look at Hollywood actors: They're rich, famous, loved by many, and look like they have it all, but a great many of them are depressed more than the majority of the public. Always remember that everyone has a purpose in this world. Everyone is valuable, and is cared by God. He does not judge you on how popular or how sucessful you were. He judges you not on what you have, but who you are. God prefers an unpopular person who is a good person and cares for others rather than a popular person who is loved by many. Screw what other people think of you. You are special. You are a good person. And you 100% deserve to live in this world. All that matters is that you are happy, and I know, obviously, its harder to be happy when you feel alone, different, or unloved in this world. Im not saying you dont need people, but what I am saying is, don't make other people your only reason for happiness. You what I mean? Dont feel miserable because you deserve to be happy. Keep trying to make friends. Never give up, and God will give you friends. Trust me. God has powers that cannot be explained, and I have seen just a little of what he is capable of.All the best wishes!

  • Anonymous-29

    I have the same problems, but at least everyone has something else, a second chance. They either have a boyfriend/girlfriend, work, or school. I don't have any of those. All my friends left me so now I have NONE left. At least some of you have a partner that they can associate with and hang out with. I graduated from school, so I can't exactly join a club now, and have a chance to meet people at school. I really regret not trying to reach out more when I was at school. I can't even find a job either, I apply to alot of places, but I just can't seem to find any. I even tried to apply for volunteer work, but even then I can't find anything. All the time I'm at home, and I feel so isolated with everything. Since I don't have a job, I can't really go anywhere either. I'm always SUPER depressed and always crying. I really can't stand living this way anymore, but I don't know what to do. I'm just going so crazy right here and right now, I don't want to go on anymore.

  • Anthony

    I know this forum might be a little old, but ihad to add this. I was diagnoised with social phobia then rediagnoised with adult ADHD in nov. 2008. i was seeing a therapist and taking zoloft 50mg then up to 100mg. the combo of therapy and meds really is the best help i think. i came of the meds gradually after only a year of use. but then i stopped going to therapy as well. of course i chose to stop going at one of the lowest, and most difficult times in my life ( at least so far). i went back to see a doctor after 6 months of personal misery, and was diagnoised with ADHD. I dont know if this is common or not? but after saying all this about myself, i did want to throw out a suggestion for others. alot of actors and actresses deal with social issues as well. most of the good ones are relitivley introverted people. that made me want to take an acting class, so i did. i was in a class of twelve people, which was alot for me, and i was forced to get up in front of the class and read my scene. it was the scariest thing i have ever done. i was shacking and nervous, my teacher saw this and said use it. so i did, and after i finished this scene i felt complete peace and liberation. it was amazingly freeing. this could have been just my individual experience, but i would really recommend it to any one with social anxieties. being thrown into something like that really makes you come out of your comfort zone and the other side is really not what you think it will be.

  • Brandon

    The funny thing is, just talking to people, helps wonders, get out there! It aint easy, but why live life confined by walls that don't really exist? goooooo!!!!

  • Rene

    I am so glad I found this page. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I have never had any true friends and find it almost impossible to trust people due to being used so much. I shut myself away and drown in self-pity. I want so badly to be a friend to someone who wants to be a friend back. I see people around me that are mean and selfish and they are surrounded by "friends" and here I am... I am a kind person and and would be there in a heartbeat for a friend and yet no one wants me. I must say it is good to know I am not alone but I hurt to know there are so many of us out there.

  • Worried Mom

    I am really worried about my 21 yr old son. He is the sweetest, smartest, most intuitive person I know- but he has never had a girlfriend. He is a very smart kid- always scored high on achievement tests, ap scholar, state scholar, recieved an academic scholarship to college- but failed out in two years- basically for not going to class. He has no zest for life. He does not do drugs, drink alcholol- he has never been in trouble- other than failing out of college. He is happy to sit in his room an play video games all day and night. I have been waiting for him to "wake-up" from this anti-social activity- but he is just numb to life. What do I do to help? Is it better to just kick him out on his own- tough love, or should I demand he seek help?

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Dear Worried Mom,Under the circumstances you describe I would insist that he get some help. Clearly, something is wrong but it is not clear what it could be. Without knowing what is wrong or what is going on it is premature to kick him out. If he is reluctant to go for help you could go for family counseling and start that way. In that way he would not be alone in the therapy office.Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-35

    I totally feel you- I'm 20 as well, and outside of university, I have a group of five good friends, not many especially considereing I live in London, but they're good quality... But I can't help being dissappointed with the way things have turned out at University, because I hoped I'd meet at least some decent people here too. My problem seems to be that I am myself I don't try to fit in, I'm not bitchy and mean, I'm honest, sweet and intelligent and a great friend, and here unfortunately, none of that matters. What does seem to matter is looking good in photos, having money and being loud, stupid and shameless...In the beginnign I could havng with these crowds and stuff, but for me, after a whiel it got old just getting drunk every weekend and havign shallow interactions with people who really don't gove a damn about you. I have been at University for nearly 6 months now and have made 1 real friend. I wanted and expected so much more from the whole experience but it seems to just be another of life's ego trips for the shallowm and extraverted....But I agree with one opinoin thats been made here already if the people aroudn you have been mean, have rejected you or you're just feelign left out, they don't desevre to be your friend so dont bother with them. Real friends wont make you feel that way and are worth holding pout for, at least that what I tell myself. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Another One

    yeah I can relate and I'm amazed at how many people just like me feel the same about this. I had to work extremely hard to make friends at university- most people seemed to keep to their cliques from high school. I was lucky to get one best friend and two friends that got me through uni, but honestly we were never THAT close.

    After uni I moved to a new city, I've been here two years but barely been able to make more than an acquaintance. People have busy lives, colleagues don't seem to like me or we don't have that much in common with, people keep coming and going, and lots of people I met are way older than me as well. So there is a thousand reasons but I ended up with no friends.

    I'm like everyone else who posted here- intelligent, good looking, nice person but shy and don't "do" much on the weekends to talk about. I'll go out if I'm invited but I'm not one for initiating things. But even here I noticed you can initiate stuff and no one will come. Its amazing, I don't know what everyone does with their lives!

    Anyway I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth and let you all know it is the same every where- must be the internet age or something. Don't feel bad there are obviously loads of us out there secretly having no friends either!

  • Re: Same situation, but even WORST - - Mar 11th 2009 (I hope you read this)


    Out of all the post I read yours was the most I felt so much relation too, and I really understand what you're going through. I'm 23 years old and have no friends, and I know what it's like to feel like you're losing one and to have no friends, bf/husband etc and be shy at this age it is depressing and lonely.

    I was never good enough for those that were supposly 'friends' which weren't many and they always dumped me for someone better and also i was vunreable and got hurt ALOT.

    If you read this, maybe you would like to chat. If not that's ok too..I just want you to know I undertsand everything you wrote.

  • Anonymous-36

    I don't know how so many of you have been able to get boyfriends. I'm 25 and I never even had one.

  • Miss M

    The person who wrote this below:

    "I can relate - Another One - May 11th 2009

    yeah I can relate and I'm amazed at how many..."

    You're so right! I posted back in december. Things have improved, but not much. I keep thinking "what's the point"...

  • Bill

    I certainly hope the young woman got help for her situation. I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago. I never got help and I still suffer from the same issues. I have let a ton of opportunities pass me by and have settled for much less in life than I once longed for in life. I never finished school and passed up on a lot of business opportunies because I have social anxiety also. My healthy lifestyle now involves alot of drinking instead of working out. I have moments of inner peace and sunshine but clouds of gray are always lingering.

  • Anonymous-37

    I'm a 20 year old female from Australia and I also feel like I have no friends. Through high school, various jobs and university I haven't found anyone that I really connected with. Although I have made some close friends, in the end we either naturally drift apart or they get fed up with my "indifferent" personality and leave. I think indifferent is a harsh word to describe me... I think I just have a carefree attitude towards friendship.

    Here is an example to describe what I mean: (true story)

    I had a best friend all through high school and through two years after high school. We were very close... almost like sisters. There came a time where we had not contacted each other for a few weeks (which was not that unusual - we were both busy with uni and work and we would always eventually contact one another). Then it was my birthday. She did not call, message or even email me to wish me happy birthday. So (being my "indifferent" self) I didn't call or message her to ask what was going on. I assumed her lack of contact was her way of letting go of the friendship so I accepted that and moved on. A year later she contacted me. She told me that she never wished me a happy birthday because she was angry that I hadn't contacted her for weeks and she wanted to see if I actually cared about our friendship. I felt this was ridiculous but she seemed to think she was perfectly right in doing what she did. So.... that's the kind of "indifference" some people see in me haha.

    I also feel quite anxious and uncomfortable around people other than my family. I never know what to talk about and I don't want to be annoying or "uncool". So my social anxiety combined with my supposed indifference makes it really hard to make and keep friends.

    I hardly go out anymore. I sometimes get invited to things... but I don't have any friends to go with and I never want to go alone - so I just don't go. It's like a vicious cycle.

    I still live at home with my parents and two sisters and I absolutely adore my family. I have always felt family comes first before anything and that friends come and go but family is forever! So I guess I am lucky in that sense... my family are my friends. Lame? Probably :P but I don't care!

    So what I'm trying to say is... I know how you feel. But don't get too upset. There is much more to life than friends. Besides, many "friends" end up being a burden on your life rather than an improvement. Focus on yourself and what you want to do. Be happy with yourself. Don't change just to make friends... friends are meant to like/love you for who you truly are! Also... spend more time with your family! :)

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    To the person who wrote "I know how you feel," I want to suggest that you are perhaps hiding from socialization because you experience people as burdensome. From every perspective, we need people: for our mental health and our physical health. You are losing a lot in life by centering your life around your family. I really want to urge you to seek psychotherapy so that you can learn to stop avoiding people and reach out to people and build an important support network of friends all around you. I hope you read this.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-38

    I am like you all, and you are all like me, in some way or another. And i have been like this since i can remember. This is the reality. But for 80% of the time, i do not live in this reality. I am not real with myself. I pretend im not lonely, i pretend i have friends, a wonderful job, i pretend im one of those ppl who have so many friends, so many aquaintances, but who dont necessarily deserve them, i went out on the weekend etc etc. I pretend, because this is what ive always done. Its just easier this way, but it has ruined everything for me. Unlike a lot a you im not really that shy, quiet at times yes, but not shy. Tho I have always felt more comfortable in a small group of ppl rather than a large collective, y? i guess there's less ppl to compete with. thats what social interaction is to me, a horrible, competitive fight for survival, like the SURVIVOR tv show, usually the ones who dont fit in get kicked off first, or simply used. I fear others knowing that i "have nothing" more than having nothing itself. i fear others will see my emotional scars more than the scars themselves. I fear bumping into ppl who do have a life, because how do i explain that i do not. Im afraid to move on, tho i want to and know i need to. They tell us to move on, don't think about the past, but no one will let us move on. eg if you go for a job interview, they want to know about your past, y havent u worked etc.. what do i say, i say because no one wants me. i could go on forever but it has been gd getting my feelings out, because i feel like i havent spoken to another human being in a long long time. ps. WHAT LIES BEHIND US AND WHAT LIES BEFORE US ARE TINY MATTERS COMPARED TO WHAT LIES WITHIN US. If only it were that simple eh?

  • Anonymous-39

    I feel sorry for myself and everyone here, but not as much as those people who have never been and probably will never be in our situation. They will never know what it is like to be lonely, to feel sad and empty and at times numb. They will never know because theyre too busy being surrounded by rays of supposed sunshine, while we are left in the dark.

    But are they really that lucky? See, I think my sadness has made me a better person, i may have nothing, but im a good person, and that is something i will always be proud of, it is something which has come to mean everything to me. If youve never been so alone in life, u will not appreicate all those around u, however shallow they are, and u will never be the best person u can be. So in a way i am lucky, we are lucky, because we know what its like, yet we are still good.

    When that shooting happend in i think it was Virginia tech uni? sorry if i got it wrong. the shooter left a message saying the students had everything, yet they still had to be mean. All i could think was, why cant people just be good. I think it almost everyday, why cant people just be good. Then no one in the world would be lonely. No one would be scared to go out there and make friends. I wish i could help everyone who has posted here, but i cant even help myself. DONT GIVE UP i wont.

  • Anonymous-40

    Wow, this all sounds familiar. I always wanted to find people who feel similar to me. I'm 24, male, live in Australia, and there are a lot of people in my life who I 'know', but don't feel close to.

    It's not hard for me to meet people, in fact, I have in the past often started conversations with strangers in all sorts of places and gone to clubs by myself in an attempt to reach out and meet people, but the result is always the same. I'm currently at uni, and there are a lot of people there whom I say hi to and maybe chat for a while, but outside of uni I rarely go out with people, and am alone a lot. I seldom get invitations to go out, and I have given up trying to initiate anything. Everyone just seems too busy or not interested.

    I can even have a good time with some people who I run into, with interesting conversation and a few laughs, but it's all surface stuff and never leads to anything more. I've been in a fulltime job situation before, and that was much worse I never had enough time to even form the weak links with people that I now have at uni.

    I have done some self-improvement courses and the like, and the best answer I have come up with is that I have a strong core belief that no one cares about me, as in, no one finds me very important or worth their attention. I can really see how this shows up in all aspects of my life, including relationships (I've had a few, but they have always been very problematic). The problem is, I don't know how to stop believing this. It seems so real.

    I can relate to a lot of things other people have written here. I also eat really healthily, get good marks, and am not bad looking. It doesn't help >_

  • Anonymous-41

    I am a junior in high school who is not the type of person to have alot of friends, instead the type to have a few friends or one very close friend.
    I tend to loose friends easily because I often isolate myself, being naturally antisocial, and am bad at maintaining communication.
    This year I met a new friend and we have the closest relationship I have ever had with someone before.
    Unfortunately...Her parents have banned me from seeing her.
    I havent been to her house for a few months am not allowed to see her for a few months still.
    Now I realize how essential she is to my mental health because every single night I find myself extremely depressed and lonely, staying up until about 3am. I have begun to cut myself, and am finding this very addictive.
    Although she considers me her best friend too, she has other friends to hang out with and she does every day, while I am always alone.
    I have to go to a camp for 2 weeks at the end of the month, and I am not sure how its going to go. Am wondering if it will be a helpful experience, or will I be antisocial and depressed.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    It is very worrisome that you have started to cut yourself and that is why I am suggesting and even pushing you to speak to your parents about seeing a psychotherapist (Psychologist or Licensed Clinical Social Worker) so that you can get help for yourself before this becomes more of a problem.

    Loneliness is a very difficult and painful emotion. It is connected, very often, to depression. That is why you really need psychological help. You are so very young and have the whole world and life ahead of you. Please tell your parents you must get help.

    Also, you are not "anti social," but you are shy or avoidant when it comes to socializing. This can be helped. Go for that help, please.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • JBird

    Tears streamed down my face reading about all of you who I can't believe can actually relate to me. I have no idea why I, and all you wonderful people, am alone. Are we cursed? I just turned 19 and this was my 6th birthday without anyone throwing a party or even really acknowledging me besides my famliy. I'm so tired of people telling me to smile and be more positive. It's fucking difficult to see the joy in life when you have no one to share anything with. So many days pass with me only having my little brother and mom to speak with. It breaks my heart being so lonely, like it's definitely physically taken a toll on me, but I can't tell you how comforting it was to find this board/blog/whatever it's called. I hope everyone who reads this knows that this little bird thinks of the forgotten and alone daily. *hugs*

  • Jesus

    well it's sad reading all these comments.

    i myself had an absolutely profound childhood, i waz really happy and had lots of friends.At the time i didn't realize how forunate i waz to have friends.

    It all changed in high school the friends i had previously went to a different high school than me.There were always people to talk to in high school, i enjoyed their company and had a laugh with them, but we never really met up outside of school at all.Now i'm in uni, there gone on to different colleges.

    uni is the same situation lots of people to talk to

    but during the summer they go back home and live far away so i never see them.

    So when you think about it - friends really are people you associate with living near you like neighbours that are your same age as yourself.

    which is why my childhood was so fulfilled with friendship. i grew up with friends that lived close to me like neighbours and we attended the same school and we were good friends but in high school they met new people and are now friends with them.

    every time i try to talk to them now they show no interest,

    i'm not shy at all, y would i b shy? they've been my friends all my life since childhood. Now its awkward cause they still live just over the road, they don't invite me over anymore, they only invite there new friends.

    so people change

    my neighbours have changed

    We were so close once now we don't see each other not to mind speak.

    i realize one fact

    life is absolutely pointless without friends

    there no point in dragging yourself down

    and being depresed about it, act positive is the best thing to do and pretend you have friends

    but the problem seems to be when your exposed to people and are trying really hard to make friends and it seems to be working they'll ask u a question like - are u going out tonight or where ya goin on holidays?

    u can't tell them your problem.

    most of these people all ready have loads of friends already.

    i think despite ongoing problem you still have to join sport clubs that u like, people that u meet there will have the same interests as you, so talk to them - but still they'll already have friends.

  • Anonymous-42

    .... travel


    I think most of us are in the same boat as you, its just some us have attained a position of popularity and so the people want them to talk becuase they are considered worthy. But these tempary positions are just that - and one day they will be back at square one - what it is the purpose of communication? Certainly we shouldn't feel the need to speak with our mouth like the so called doctor says, because this would be unnatural - we should speak only when needed, and sometimes people same like us not speaking. I love it when I meet someone who doesn't feel the need to speak because it shows a more sensitive side.

    And as for only having a few friends? Well when you realise your own inner strength and over come something that others haven't i.e not needing people, then people will become attracted to you automattically because that is what they desire. Or you can manipulate people and become poplular that way - but this is not true friendship and is hidden behind a big layer of guilt.

    There is a certain path to take - just follow your heart and feelings, you are close to being strong and your friends deep down will want you to be that then they can learn off you. You are strong, its just you are noticing things that people choose to ignore. I would reccommend meditation - it helped me alot, and helps us to understand that there are more ways of communicating - not just with our mouths


  • KC

    first off, i do have 2 bad habits.. smokin weed mostly and drinkin has seemed too have picked up over the months cuz i trying too stop smokin weed, unsuccessful so far. I get my weed from ma brother so its not even like i have a dealer too associate with. NE WHO the only person in my life i can be myself around is my mother, my dad works construction outta town mostly so when i see him its mostly smalltalk. Im 20 yrs old and i feel my grasp for life is slowly slippin. I dont feel its the weed thats makin me depressed, i will admit it slows me down. I can go all day without abusing weed. When it comes down too bedtime i cant sleep cuz my mind is racing. If im laying in bed for more than an hour, why wuldnt i just blaze a little bit of green too take the edge of, wats it gunna hurt? other than my lungs. I KNOW it looks like my problem is grass. BUT ITS NOT i feel ur guys depression weed or not ,i feel the loneliness . 95% of the weed i smoke is alone the other 5% is wit my brother or his friends. DUNT MISUNDERSTAND, B4 i started smokin i was the same guy JUS NOT so stonerfied ya know? now i gotta quit smokin weed cuz when im feelin lonely or sad, it puts a temporary sheet over the problem.

    Damn i hate too go with it, but i guess happiness is only real when shared :( we all need sumthin too believe in and love.

    Stay strong brothas and sistas, afterall the world is a fair place. INDEPENDENCE IS THE KEY TOO SURVIVAL

  • claire

    its so crushing to skim and read all of the comments below, i wonder how social mores can allow for so many good people to end up this way? what angers me was the doctor's response-which is more depressing than the actual problem- to u doc-humanize yourself and work on causes before you address solutions- drugging up a lonely 20 something is never a good idea, and i strongly advocate living as naturally as possible-. he obivously has just been trained to give out medication and report from the book what people should want and by all means fuck that! if altruism is so important how come people just turn up their noses at the sense of weakness and lower significanc. at 20 i feel like all my peers just care about being remembered when they die- , and since i can't help them out on that one im discarded. all i care about is the quality of a friendship which i cant seem to find i stubbornly dissapprove of disloyality, and may appear preachy and will ditch toxic people i believe in forgiveness but if you knew the scope of my freinds it would be understood so i walk alone completely alone. all through life i have always felt social moments and friendships were like an axiety ridden fights for terriotory and power, and from my experience ive found that once you're down, it is ridiculously hard to get back up- i am now a shadow of my former happy-fearless- creative self. since my first year of college i have descended into a shy nervous wreck..

    and i have been down since the 7th grade-although life will never get as good after the 5th!. everything went downhill for me when i made best friends with the most popular girl in my class. after a night out skating, i immediatly noticed her ignoring me, and out of fear in losing my status and in hopes that she would tend to my teenage anxs, i pouted and didn't talk to her for the night and found the next day for her to completely drop me and to my horror awkwardly sat at the unpopular table the following week. After sensing this decay and hopes for new friends due to randomly altered school zoning, i transferred the next year, and found my old unpopular circle of friends crying ravenously on my departure- a moment i will never forget- that people do care more than you think to say the least- what an idiot i was for taking my less desirable friends for granted. eventually I moved to a new town, and aquainted friends in the beginning,but hastily could not tolerate their by all means nasty ways. i awoke this past may at 20 unacknolged on my bday, and im afraid this lonliness will kill me.

    karma has already gotten my high school friends- and gotten me as well- we're all the same- we're all really bleeding our own blood. i wish i knew what its like on the other side so i could feel lesss hypocritical-maybe the popular just have learned to deal and eat the bullshit- that is something i will never be able to swallow- college has been my toughest feat yet- i have never been good in school so it has been hard- im proud to hear the bloggger is makingAs! kudos i endure the exact same daily routine- in class i feel mortified to have group work- or present projects- in fear of my secret will be undestood- maybe someone should start a college for the lonely- since for outsiders it can be eternal hell- look at the school shoootings- - people need people- it just makes me wanna cry-

  • Anonymous-43

    I completely disagree with the original reply. I even think it may do a long term damage to the person who asked the question.

    I can only say - NO, you don't need to do anything! You're a smart girl, and for example (even though I have a wife :-)) I like you! You thoughts are nice. You have power to be someone in this world.

    Don't listen to people telling you to change, or to do somthing, or anything else. You be yourslef and you'll be happy. I promise you. I can match a bet on this if you don't trust me. You'll be extremely happy, you just need to meet a person who's smart enough to understand how smart are you. So you two could be equal. Forget the losers. And wait for your real soul mate.

    I'm not a native English speaker, so I may have said something difficult to interpret, but the general idea is - I like your thoughts. I even feel some kind of respect for you writing this. And trust me, I'm not the only smart guy in the universe :-P Somebody will love you.

  • Anonymous-44

    Im 14 too and its actually weird how much like you i am. I love Baseball and am on many travel teams, but outside of baseball i have no life. I have no friends from school and am depressed. Like you i also sit with fake friends at lunch. (Weird pot heads and skater kids) The only friend i have is a really weird and not normal 18 year old video game freak. I am outgoing in front of him and my family but am very shy in front of people i don't know.

    The worst part of it all is that i am actually very easy to get along with if you know me, but i can't let people see the real fun me. They just see the boring and quiet kid.

  • Anthony James St.Angelo

    No One Cares, That Your alone an Depressed, nor will they ever!

    Heed My words, "No One Cares" Not the Doctor You pay to share You Feelings with, Nor Your Family You hide Your True Feelings From. Not even the People Who are in the same situation, that left comments cares For You or Your Loneliness an Depression.

    The Fact of the matter is You only "Care For Yourself". And that's the Problem. You all Talk about How oh I'm depressed an alone what Should I Do? I..I...I...

    When You only think of Yourself, How can others think anything of You. Never mind being Your Friend!

    Care for others, an they will care for You, It's not just an expression it is fact, it is truth.

    Friendship is about caring for others, This is what the 20 something year old lacks as does most of You. For example She judged Her roommates, One is fat an depressed an never talks, one is a bulimic an the other hates Our school.

    If She truly cared an wanted friends, she would not have judged them on what depresses them the most.

    But she would have tried to Help them, As for the overweight Girl, She could have went the gym with her, Maybe talked with her about what clearly depresses an over weight person, an gave Her the friendship required to overcome the burden an stigma of being overweight.

    As for The bulimic Girl, she could have talked about what drives Her to do terrible things to Her own body, Maybe even saved her Life, by getting Her Help.

    And Her so called Best Friend that hated there School, I bet she never once asked Her Why She hated the School.

    From My point of view, If She cared just a little, She would have helped the People Fate put around Her. And Would have 3 Great Friends that Cared For Her as She Did care For them.

    Even the most intelligent can be dumb sometimes. Never Judge another but Care For them as You Care For Your Mother an You will have More Friends then You will ever imagine.

    Remember, Never forget, It is never too late, an Your Never alone, For God is Always with You an When You can No longer Go on Jesus Will Carry You Forward.

    Anthony James St.Angelo

    Editor's Note: While there is some wisdom in what this commenter is saying (e.g., that it is helpful to stay engaged socially and emotionally with others, and it is useful and healing to give to others), it needs to be said as well that it is in the nature of depression (severe depression at least) to withdraw socially, and to become somewhat self-focused. that's not an excuse, but it is a reality. So it is not simply that depressed people are "selfish" as this commenter seems to suggest it is more that being depressed pushes many people into a state where it is harder for them to think about stuff other than their emotional pain, and difficult to have energy and attention to stay socially engaged. The commenter presents this as a moral failing, but it is more like a biological and psychosocial challenge. The commenter's point that it is a good idea to remain engaged is true though. We know that people who are able to benefit from social support (which is a two way street) don't tend to stay depressed as long.

  • Emma

    Hi, my name is Emma and I am 17 years old. I have never ever had a best friend and not many friends at all. I ha had a few aqcuiantancs, very little friends. My confidence has gone... I seriously want to make friends but when I see somebody I don't know how to act and I clam up and don't speak. Then I feel awkward. I am depressed but don't know how to tell anybody. I have thought about suicide recently because I feel stupid.... but it does make me feel less 'abnormal' knowing that there are people here in my situation.

  • Kim

    I woke up this morning and thought about how I used to have so many friends. I always had someone to hang out with or talk to, at any given time. I always had someone contacting me.

    That was in middle school and some of high school. I try to think about what triggered the change. I really cannot think of one specific event, but I think I had a dose of true caring when I was dating a guy for a few years at the end of high school. It was nice to have someone who I felt wasn't secretly competing for attention, or talking just for the sake of hearing themselves talk. Once I realized this type of person existed, I realized that a lot of the other relationships did not seem very true to me. Over the course of a few years I started to phase out people that I felt were draining me or who weren't true friends.

    I also think the changes mirrored changes that were occuring in my family. I grew up in an emotionally abusive family, and if I faked like I wasn't bothered, everything was ok. However, once I spoke on unfair behavior I was enduring, all hell would break loose and it would be hung over my head for weeks, sometimes months. However, I gradually learned it was easier for me to act in accordance with my beliefs, so of course hell just kept on breaking loose. I learned to accept this was how it was going to be if any positive changes were going to come my way. I now have no contact with my family at all.

    A few weekends ago I went out with a group of friends from work. Do not get me wrong, I like all of them. However, I feel like so many interactions are superficial. Sometimes I just get tired of dealing with it. I find that the majority of people are not there for you if you are going through rough times. However, many people will flock if you put a smile on your face and don't speak on things that bother you. I now realize this is how I had so many friends years ago, and how I pretended to get along with my family.

    It is difficult, because I know that I can attract a lot of people to me if I want to. But deep down inside I don't know if I really want to. I have three friends that I truly enjoy being around, and who I feel are truly there for me. I have acquaintances that come and go, but honestly I would rather have them go than waste my energy on something superficial.

    I also have amazing intuition, due to the fact I had to feel all the weird vibes my family threw at me while growing up. It's so good that sometimes it kind of scares me. I feel vibes off of people within seconds. I have dreams in which I can see how people truly are. The dreams have even predicted specific actions, although sometimes they take a couple of years to come about. Not all of these are negative. There are times when I can see true goodness and giving in others, but unfortunately not as often as I would like.

    I'm so used to being around selfish people (family and past "friends"), that I kind of don't even know what to do when I get around truly giving people. It's kind of like a shock to know that someone is not giving to receive something. I'm hoping that since I have cut off family ties, I will eventually be able to retrain myself to receive more niceness.

    I don't really know. But it is a very lonely place sometimes. But it is also a place in which I am myself. However, it's still shocking to me to realize how many people aren't there.

    I would like to be able to start my own business one day, as I think my intuition and ability to read others would help the business, and well as the clientele. However, I have a hard time opening up, because I know when I do, tons of superficial people start coming my way, with a few real ones. Plus, I have a hard time acting like I like someone when I'm feeling negative vibes. Any advice? I have a lot to offer, but it's kind of difficult to do so when I don't know if I really want to.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hello Kim and Emma,

    I am urging each of you to enter psychotherapy.

    Emma, there is no worse depression than when you end up thinking of suicide. You are such a young person that there is no need for such thoughts. What I mean is that there is real help available. You could begin with the High School Guidance Counselor. Be honest and tell the counselor the truth about your suicidal thoughts. Help is available. Or, speak to your parents and have them send you to a therapist or speak to your family doctor.

    Kim, you have experienced abuse. Help is available for that. I recommend that you also enter psychotherapy and, in addition, find a support group for women who have survived abuse or survived child abuse.

    Both of you deserve the chance to live your lives fully without these things impeding you from happiness.

    Best of Luck,

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Ronan

    It's nice to know that I am not the only person in the world struggling with shyness and social anxiety. I am 20 and have had only a few friends that have now long since gone. I am starting College next week and I hope that I will make some new friendships but you can never be sure how life will pan out. I am outgoing with my family but in social situations I freeze up and feel like I have nothing to say. I feel like I am in a prison of shyness and anxiety and I can't break out no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I get depressed but I try to look on the bright side of things. C.S. Lewis said that we will never make a good impression with other people until we stop thinking about making a good impression. I have learned that the best way to deal with loneliness is to forget about yourself and try and concentrate on something outside of yourself. It could be music, books, sport, a pet or being friendly to a stranger, anything that takes you out of yourself and your problems. Reading these comments have helped me realise that I am not alone in my struggles, this has made me feel more positive about my life. I might not make friends in College and will remain shy and isolated but it helps to know that you are not alone in your struggles.

  • Anonymous-45

    Im 17 and just started college. Its been a few weeks in and i havent made any friends yet. I also went through high school without having a 'proper' friend.

    Although im very unsociable and a loner i know i really need a friend...

    Even just one and i'll be satisfied.

    I hope God will provide me with a friend soon and i hope all those who want friends shall find some soon :)

  • Anonymous-46

    I am a male, 19, and in a good university but have absolutely NO friends in my sophomore year of college. I used to be a pothead/video game addict my freshman year of college and just got by with my grades. I have done things to my parents which I regret deeply, and which still affect me to this day. These include, stealing money, lying, and using nasty language towards them. I have never thought of suicidal thoughts, but I am having a tough time living and am considering if I'm really ready for college. I've given up weed and video games but life is so dull, and it's impossible for me to forget what I've done to my parents. Life sucks right now....

  • Anonymous-47

    Life has just gotten rough for me in the last 4 years. I have always been a loner with one or two very close friends. I have been in sparse relationships, but never anything that is long lasting. I am a 26 year old male with no foreseeable future. I have some college, and I do have a best friend of close to ten years of who I am very proud to still have in my life. I thought I had found my soul mate, but it turned out to be a false flag and now that really put a damper on things for me. The problem for me is that I am extremely eccentric and off-the-wall with what I speak about. I am TOO deep for many people. I am a free-thinker and in that it's very difficult for me to relate to people who are programmed to think as society preens them to behave and interact with each other. I enjoy the solitude at times, but there comes a period of loneliness where I need to associate and be loved. That's the human element, of course.

    I used to be a heavy pot smoker like a lot of you on these boards and let me tell you now - STOP! It is worsening your depression whether or not you want to accept it.

    If you want a friend to talk to online, and I mean a real friend, then contact me at AND/OR here's my AIM screen name: Newlife77.

    I'm putting that information out there because I know that we can all use friends, even if we live in completely different countries.

  • Anonymous-48

    I am a 22 year old man and for as long as i remember, I have not been able to form a steady close relationship with any one. I thank God for the two close friends I have, but outside of that, I can honstly say I do not have any one close. What's more trublesome to me is that, looking back to all the opportunities I had to form relationships, high school, college etc, I can't help it but feel guilty for blowing each of them. I am not as affected by my situation as I was 3 or 4 years ago, becasue I understand now that I cant let my other affairs suffer becasue of this, but it still gets to me from time to time that, while my siblings seem to be involved with many people, I for one am not. I have made many attempts to change my persona- I am a nice person with healthy sense of humer, but just not able to let people in becasue of what I deem as low self esteem and inability to initiate conversations- to make myself easy to be around. It has worked but I feel it may be too late. But, you know, the worst thing we can do is give up. Our situation makes us understand the value of relationships. As such, when we acquire these relationships, we cherish them. I hope all of you will soon find your selves in wonderful relationships. Plus, If you see me on the street, feel free to say chaw

  • please give advice

    Hi, I am a 19 year female in my second year of university. I have always been depressed even as a child. Last year I finally overcame anorexia and started to try to take control over my life. My problem is that since I always avoided social events and lived as a zombie, i have nothing to talk about and don't even know how to initiate converstaions with strangers. I seem to accentuate my helplessness which is why the couple friends I have stay with me. I am polite but other than that I no personnality and am seen as silly and naive by other people. Right now I am wondering if I am actually worth anything, i can't make friends because I am dull and have no idea what to say and therefore can't get out of the situation I am in. My question is that if i have no personnality is it really worth it for me to continue taking up space or should I just give up?

  • ben

    for all you guys who have posted about their problems with anxiety..... you guys should google: "L-theanine". Its an all natural amino acid derived from green tea that reduces anxiety and enhances mood. Its some amazing stuff that really helps.

  • anon

    Wow, it's nice to see so many people who feel the same way I do.

    I have strong social anxiety. Though I've been able to make friends, I've also lost them. I had a really great group of friends but we started hanging out less and less and I felt too awkward to say anything or assert myself, so I just let my friendships slip away.Before that, I had a series of really bad friendships where my friends betrayed me and it's been hard to get over. So now I trust no one and feel like having friends can be pointless.

    In my childhood I had lots and lots of friends and was quite popular. But then out of nowhere I got social anxiety. One day I just started worrying about what my friends really thought of me and basically convinced myself no one liked me and from that point on I had trouble talking to people.

    In middle school and high school kids were horrible to me, so my resentment for other people just grew. In college I finally felt accepted, but of course my anxiety still got to me and that's how I lost my friends. Now all I have is a single friend, whom I rarely see anymore and hardly talk to. So I can just feel that friendship slipping away too.

    I'm actually a lot better in social situations when I'm talking to guys (I'm a girl). Other girls have been so mean to me in the past that I just don't have an easy time socializing with them.

    Another thing is that though I can't make friends easily, I seem to make boyfriends very easily. Guys are always interested in dating me, but almost never in being friends with me. So I always end up having a boyfriend but no friends, and then I feel bad for it and wonder if I'm making the boyfriend feel like I'm depending on him too much.

    My anxiety has also prevented me from getting jobs. I'm afraid to work in an environment that requires a high level of social interaction, so I always wuss out. I've even canceled job interviews because I was so worried about what the interviewer would think of me. And the career I want after I finish college requires so much social interaction that I'm strongly considering changing my major to one where I won't have to work with people so often.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Dear 19 year old,

    The answer to your question is a very firm NO, you should not give up. You are in school and there is a counseling department there. You can request psychotherapy to help you with both your depression and social anxiety.

    Of course you have a personality and I would bet, without ever having met you, that it's a really nice personality but you just don't know it. You have plenty to talk about but your fear and depression get in your way. All of this can be overcome with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and you can learn the skills necessary to socialize.

    Go and get help and never, ever give up.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-49

    i was diagnosed 13 years old (male) with bipolar and psychosis.... Thought i would try opening up for once

    Err, growing up i think i was pretty normal, it was not until the last few years that people really noticed how strange i was becoming. In my life there were a series of abnormalities in my behavior leading to my diagnosis. the first being the infamous river incident..... At this period in my life i would say i was fairly popular.. We were all 13 and had just discovered alcohol, in this case vodka. i had already shown some signs of psychosis and odd states of mind. it was mid way through our weekly piss up, and for reasons beyond me, i stripped down and went for i dip in the November river. ( can't remember how i got out) Later on paramedics came and i was taken to hospital with hyperthermia and alcohol poisoning. (apparently i was also very violent) this was overlooked, and no diagnosis was made................

    After a series of similar incidents, including the scaling of the school building under cover of darkness , severe hallucinations and panic attacks i was admitted to the Bethlem hospital in London...... Got back home about half a year ago....................... ( sorry for the whole life story thing)

    I still go to school, but am constantly judged. my old friends look after me out of pity (all bar one), and i feel completely alone. I don't wanna attempt suicide again. Im to much of a pussy to go through with it. Yet at the same time want to take the easy way out. I have never been in a relationship probably never will. Not especially bright, tbh don't have much going for me. I live of pills, and barely eat. Im pretty low right now, i am 15, i should be living life instead i am sharing my problems with a screen. sigh. yeah life is not going great at the moment.... I am getting worse, the diagnosis of schizophrenia is looming ever closer and thats pretty much it.........

  • Anonymous-50

    I am in a similar situation. I am currently 20 years old and attending college. When I was younger, I had a lot of friends. Hell, I barely remember ever being alone. I was either at school, eating, doing homework, or I was out playing with my friends. Somewhere along the way though, I began to lose friends. I became really shy and a loner. I was the weird kid in my high school and didn't utter a word to anybody. Actually, ever since kindergarden I never made any friends in school. I was always very quiet and didn't talk to anybody in school. But I had my friends outside school so it didn't matter. But by high school I had lost those friends and was pretty much alone. I spent all my time watching tv and playing videogames. I didn't go out. I became overweight and I was very unhappy.

    Eventually I started to gain control of my life. I lost weight and got a job and learned to drive. I also started going to therapy and taking antidepressants. This happened around the same time that I started college. At first I stayed home and just went to a local school, I was scared of moving away. I went in with the intention of making friends and I really did try. It didn't really work out though. While I met some people in classes, it never really went further than that.

    After a year at that school, I eventually got fed up and told my parents I wanted to go away to school. And so I did. I went away and it really has been great for me. This time I actually did make friends. It may sound like a good thing but as time has gone by I've found that these friendships don't seem to be anything truly lasting. I feel as if something about me keeps people from wanting to get too close. Maybe it's cause they haven't known me for that long, but I feel I haven't made any truly good friends. There's always a friend who takes priority over me and I hate that it has to work that way. I will never be that best friend to somebody and no matter who I am with I always feel like a third wheel. It may sound weird, but I've noticed people don't like to be with just me. It's fine if I'm in a group, but if it's just me it doesn't seem good enough for them. It really bugs me cause I try hard to be friends with these people and they don't wanna give anything real in return.

    One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that I'm gay. Finding this out when I was in middle school may have something to do with why I became such a loner. I'm not sure to be honest. But in school I've met a few guys and gone on a couple dates and it never seems to go anywhere evn though I despereately want it to. Something about me just tells people to run in the other direction before its too late. Not only have I never had a best friend, I've never had a boyfriend either.

    And going away hasn't helped me much. When I come home, I am friendless and pretty much just sit alone, in my house, feeling depressed. Even if they don't consider me a good friend, I'm usually around people at school and it helps. When I'm home, I just slip into depression and try to find ways to keep myself occupied. When I'm home I also lose so much of my confidence that I know even if I tried going out I wouldn't be able to meet anyone anyway.

    I really don't know what to do. It's hard and sometimes I feel so lonely it actually hurts. I come home on break and my parents ask me what's wrong even though they know exactly whats wrong. I really don't know what to do. I feel as if I have dug myself into a hole and I don't really know how to get out of it.

  • Jenna

    Hello again to all. I am a 20 year old female from NC (USA). I posted "Similarities - Jenna - Apr 15th 2009" and somehow I found this forum again and I was able to read some newer posts as well as the old ones and I still greatly relate to all of you. I was hoping that I could befriend some of you and vice versa. It is so important to reach out to other people. That is the only thing that has made a significant impact in my life. It is almost a year later and I am still struggling because I have not made a lot of effort to get better despite recieving the best psychological treatment that money can buy. I fell into my bad habits several times (major depression, eating disorder, drug addiction, obsessions with unattainable females, anxiety) and got the same results from life. At this time, I would really like to try something different, help someone and gain a friend in the process so if you are at all interested please email me at I stress that I will gladly respond to anyone regardless of your circumstances. Hope to hear from you!

  • Anonymous-51

    I am NOT a Doctor, nor am I advising anybody to get off of their medication or do anything without the supervision of a qualified professional as per FDA regulation(s).

    Look into something called Orthomolecular Medicine by Dr. Abram Hoffers. Read as much as you can regarding this and please educate yourself on celiac disease and/or pyroluria! It is quite possible that there is an underlying nutrient deficiency that is prohibiting recovery. Current medications only address the symptoms but not the underlying cause. Do research on how alcoholics go through a form of psychosis/delerium tremens, understand that alcoholics also produce 50% more pyrolles in the blood, which could very well bind with the zinc and vitamin b6 in your body causing it to flush out via urination. If that's the case, then a nutrient deficiency could result causing some serious neurological problems. Do some research and consult a qualified naturopathic practitioner to see if this is your problem.

    I had to suggest this to those suffering as a means to possibly address any overlooked or misdiagnosed phenomenon. I am going through something very serious as well, so I understand what it's like.

    Be safe and keep your head up. There is hope for recovery.

  • RimJobJimBob

    Stop Giving A F***! Be You Do Not worry about people who dont come to you and say, "wow your my bestess" people who like you _and they will+ will naturally flow to ya. If your negative be negative Positive-Positive either way try to be nice respect Smile Peace

  • lily
  • Hanna

    Aw, Hunny, no one is 100% happy... even those who you think are have their own problems. If we were always 100% happy there would be nothing to live for. Also, just because you're 20 doesn't mean you can't make friends. Look in your community for things to do. Re-kinddle old friendships and just make a consious effort to keep them up all these will help with your mental health...

    Hope I helped,

    With kind regards,


  • JoJo2

    I wish I could give you all a hug. What you're going through is very real and can be overpowering, but you can all get through it with some therapy and some meds. I know I made that sound simple when depression is actually a very complex condition.

    First and foremost, you did nothing to yourselves to become depressed. It's a medical condition, it happens and sometimes we never know what caused it whether it was lack of sunshine, a chemical imbalance brought on by stress, a medication you took for an illness or foods that you're eating that our bodies just can't handle properly, (wheat gluten is a common one). Genetics can leave you predisposed to depression, or it could have been brought on by a multitude of other factors.

    What matters is that if you're suffering from depression, you need to get help for yourself and you've already taken the first step to getting help by coming here and asking questions and trying to find answers. Now you need to take the 2nd step.

    Go see a doctor for some bloodwork and go see a therapist to talk to about how you're feeling and they can recommend a psychiatrist for meds if necessary. If you don't have insurance for a therapist then go to your county's Board of Mental Health and they will charge you based on your income. They will also get a psychiatrist to prescribe you meds to correct any chemical imbalance. (Getting in to see a therapist or psychologist is usually much quicker than getting in to see a psychiatrist.)

    If you get treatment and you don't feel better, go back to your doctor and tell him that these meds aren't helping - can he prescribe something different? Advocate for yourself. Go to the website or any other reputable medical website and research depression and find out ways to help yourself get the proper treatment. If you had any other medical problem, you'd research it and get the proper treatment for that condition and so should you for depression. If, heaven forbid, you go to a doctor that does not treat this seriously, go to another doctor.

    It's also important to tell your family and friends that you are having a difficult time and that you need their help. This is one of those times that you really do need them.

    Other things that help are: 1) Laughing. Laughing triggers feel-good endorphins plus a lot more healthy benefits. Watch comedies on T.V., borrow movies from the library, watch hysterical youtube videos, anything to laugh. 2) Vitamin, mineral, or enzyme deficiencies can trigger depression so ask your doctor what you should be taking and research for yourself. Here are some examples: Vitamin D - proven mood lifter that increases serotonin in the brain. Folic acid - a deficiency of folic acid can deplete serotonin and cause depression. All of the B vitamins. Go to this link for more on B vitamins.

    Finally, research, research, research. Find out everything you can to help alleviate your depression symptoms so you feel better fast. There are lots of studies going on at universities and they are discovering new links to depression all the time.

    After you help yourself, come back to this site and tell others so they know that there is hope.

    My story: I wasn't happy. I don't know when it happened. I used to be happy, but gradually I just felt like I had all of the life sucked out of me. It felt like I was just existing and forcing myself to go through the motions of day-to-day life. I knew something was wrong with me, because I had a good husband, kids, job, home, and friends. Everything should have been great, but I just wasn't happy. Actually I was pretty angry a lot for no reason. I kept wondering if this was all there was. I went to the doctor and he put me on Effexor XR and within 24 hours I felt happy. All of a sudden life was good and I could laugh and tease and wake up every morning thinking, it's great to be alive. It's been four years since then. I quit taking the Effexor a year ago, and everything is still great. By that I mean that I appreciate life and I'm happy to be alive. Things go wrong on a daily basis, but I go with the flow and handle it. I'm no longer depressed.

    Please go tomorrow and take care of this debilitating condition so you can get up everyday and feel good and be happy to be alive.

  • :o(

    Just wanted to say that I can relate. I would also like to know if there is an update from the writer. We're the same age and I was dealing with this same problem two years ago.

    Is it possible to change? I just want to be normal like everyone else and have just one best friend. But am I wrong to want at least two people that I can call real friends? Two people to go out at night with and invite to parties that my boyfriend invites me to. I'm tired of feeling like a failure at connecting with others. What is more important than human connection? What is the point of living if you can't accomplish it? Because really I see no point to this. My childhood worst fear for my future has come true.

  • Anonymous-52

    i feel the same way and its awful! My boyfriend always has plans to go out and I don't like always having to tag along with!

  • Daniel Counts

    Well, to tell the truth you sound almost like me. Did have somewhat "friends" but no one was really there for me when I was down or hurt or anything really. Really there more aquaintces then anything. Im the guy that people would remember you for the day but never will remember you. Plus, with my mother might have cancer. Im driving myself slowly insain. I love to help people and there problems, music helps tremendiously. My guitar and me is my life i guess... But mainly i commented to say im sorry for what your going through, and hope you find a soulution for your question.

  • Rory

    hi im 22 yr old male and am a Senior at a university of 40,000+ ppl. In highschool i was a 3-sport athlete and had all the friends in the world. I was constantly talking to people, hanigng out w/ them, going to party's, attracted alot of interest from girls, ect. It was the best time in my life. I went on to college..played football for 1 year. then moved back home and went to a CC for a year to get a transfer degree. Finally i transfered again, to where i am at now...and i am very close to graduating. Since i transfered I have had a terrible experience. I really like my school, but i am so unhappy. I have basically made no friends. I lived alone almost all of my 1st year here. I feel and am SO alone. I used to have such high self-esteem, confidence, and happiness. Over the past year and a half it feels as if these things have been sucked out of me. There is nothing i do for "fun" i feel pathetic. Without sports i have all this time on my hands and nothing to fill it with. I cant find new hobbies, i dont drink or party anymore either....most likely b/c i have noone to party with! Exercise is all i do. Its the closest thing to represent my past athletic lifestyle. I find it hard to stay motivated to keep going to the gym...i only do it b/c i know it helps make me feel better, and of course it is healthy.

    However, I have 1 thing going for me..and that is my unbelievable girlfriend. We've been together for 2 years now. If i lost her i'd be literally completely alone. Considering the state of mind i am in it would destroy me completely. We are deeply in love and plan on being together in the future. I do my best to keep my depression issues to myself..b/c shes already done all she can to help me...i dont want to annoy her or push her away. I desperately want me life to be the way it used to be. It has been so hard for me to go from feeling like i had it all to nothing at all. I've become insecure, and jealous of my gf's achievements and success. Seeing her succeed just makes me feel should make me happy like it used to in the past!! I am really worried this resentment of my gf and her success, along with the insecurities and jealousy this depression has bestowed upon me will ultimately ruin my relationship.

    I plan on telling this all to a psychiatrist soon. i don't think medication will help..unless meds can magically make friends and develop new hobbies. I just need & desperately want hobbies and friends again!! I've put lots of effort into making friends but it just doesn't work. when you transfer, no one is interested in being your friend b/c they've made their friends during freshman and sophomore yr! My continuous failure to make anything more than an acquaintance is just destroying my self-worth and confidence. It seems i have slowly become a completely different person over time.why did this happen?

    It makes me feel a little better to see all of these posts by you guys.. we are all very similar...i thought i was the only one. BEst of luck to you all.. i hope your lives improve and the burden of your depression is lifted from your back.

    If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

    Thanks for listening.

  • Anonymous-53

    I relate so well to all of you, some more than others. But we all have that depression and inability to make friends =/ I'm the type that has always been shy and I've never approached anyone. As long as I can remember I've been an outcast, before I even started kindergarten. I don't feel like I can fit in and most people just seem so fake to me. It's hard for me to keep a conversation going about most things and impossible for me to start one. The only friends I have made are the ones that approached me first and were persistent with talking to me.. The others just gave up on me because it's so hard for me to open up quickly. I feel like I've been dealing with this depression since I was in elementary school and it just keeps getting worse as I get older. It feels like my social avoidance issues get worse as well, or maybe they're just more noticeable to me because I'm 20 years old and I thought I'd be over it by now. I'm in college and I compare myself to all the other people my age I see.. It just makes me feel even more pathetic and hopeless. The couple friends I do have are far from me since I moved away to come to this university, and I'm drifting away from everyone. I go for days, sometimes weeks, not speaking a word. Basically, I just interact with people through Facebook, and barely socialize in only one of my classes at my university. lol pretty sad... /sigh

    It doesn't help that the friends I have had always ended up walking all over me and putting me down. As a result, it makes me want to avoid people even more, especially girls because they were the worst to me. I don't feel like I identify with them and whenever I do interact with other girls, even in a small insignificant way, I get that feeling from them that I'm weird or not wanted. Really, I don't feel like I can relate to anyone. But when I read these posts it gives me hope I guess. I do think the things I've been through have made me a stronger and better person though.. so that's a positive at least. I don't let people mess with me anymore.

    I've been on anti-depressants, anxiety and ADD meds. None of them did much, just gave me lots of unwanted side effects. I had 5 years of counceling basically, that was okay sometimes. My first therapist wasn't good for me at all and told my parents I would most likely end up as a high school drop out(when I was just 13 years old). So yeah, that raised my self-esteem -.- But in the end, nothing has helped me. It seems I'm permanently stuck this way. The past 2 years have been the worst for me. My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me over a game. Pretty pathetic. That destroyed me, but it was for the best because I never loved him and just didn't want to be more alone than I already was. And he came to his senses eventually and regrets it now, but I have to be strong and not be with him just because I'm lonely. We are still friends though.. So I've been completely alone ever since that. I think about suicide frequently now.. But I know I can't do it because I would hurt my family and maybe 1 or 2 other people. I find myself wishing that I could erase myself from everyones memories so I could just do it and not hurt anyone. Or wishing that some accident would happen to me.. but that would still affect other people. So nope, I'm stuck here.

    Sorry for the long life story. I actually left a lot out though lol... But I want to reply to what someone else posted a year ago or so. They said something about everyone posting here doesn't care about others depression, and they're only self absorbed with their own. Well, I disagree. I want to help other people. I want to listen to others stories and be a friend to them.. I know I can be, because I know how it is and I won't reject them like other people do.. I'm one of the most awkward people anyone can meet, so no one has to be intimidated by me. So.. if anyone needs a friend or some support you can talk to me whenever you want. If I can say one thing I like about myself, it's that I'm a loyal friend and I always want to be there for people when they have problems.. I know how it feels to not have anyone to talk to about these things.. no one to help you feel better when you're so down.

    lol >.> so, any of you can email me if you want: or IM me on msn at

  • Anonymous-54

    I'm a 24 year old girl.Recently graduated from a good university(but can't find a real job),I'm intelligent and reasonably good-looking but I have no friends or boyfriend.My ex was a selfish liar but I stayed with him for 3 years.HE finished with ME two years ago!(now that will knock anyones self-esteem)Now I'm single and lonely and the social anxiety that I was diagnosed with at age 13 is rearing it's ugly head with force.Going outside and being around people is so stressful and even though I force myself to do it sometimes, I wonder is it worth the stress and the nervousness.In social situations I can't/don't want to make the effort to talk to anyone.If someone is talking to me I can't hold a conversation(sometimes I won't even bother listening to the person because I've resided myself to the fact that they'll think I'm uninteresting anyway).I'm most comfortable when I'm alone yet, I feel loneliness!This is such a contradiction.I want to be alone but I want to have good people around me or a boyfriend at the same time!I look at other people my own age.They go out and socialise and go clubbing..It feels like I'm wasting my life.I want to get off my ass and do something about this but my mind stops me even when I decide to take a chance.I can't afford a psychiatrist so I've been reading articles on social anxiety.I am SO sick of hearing "Be yourself"..Being myself is the worst thing I could do.I feel like I have no personality and that I will never fit into any circle or society.It's getting to me and I do not want to experience depression again over this....Ok.Rant over.Sorry for taking up so much space.

    Best of luck to everyone in this situation x

  • 22 yr old female

    It's a saturday night. Most people my age are probably out, drinking, dancing, having a good time. I'm sitting at home, googling "I am 22 and have no friends" and that is how I found this page.

    When I was in high school I had a close knit group of friends, I was always the popular funny kind. Then, once we all moved to college, I began having trouble with this group. There was a lot of backstabbing etc, and eventually we parted ways. I didn't transition to college well, I didn't make any friends. I tried living in dorms, but was always the 'weird' roommate who no one liked, no matter how hard I tried to make conversation. I spent three unhappy years doing my undergraduate degree.

    Things began to pick themselves up then, I got a boyfriend, I got accepted into a Postgraduate course, and I promised myself that it would be my year and I would make lots of new friends. Same story happened again. I tried so hard, yet no one was interested. I constantly feel like the outsider no matter what I do.

    My boyfriend broke up with me in January, and since then, I literally have no one. I have two friends, who I do adore, but they both live away from home now, so we very rarely see each other. I have one other friend, who invites me places with her other group of friends, but I always feel so awkward as they never make any effort to listen to me when I hang out with them.

    I've never been diagnosed with depression, and I'm generally an optimistic happy person, I just get really lonely and frustrated with myself sometimes. I see everyone else my age out with their friends, having fun, and I wonder what's wrong with me. Why can't I have that? I worry that I'll never make any new, true friends, and have to spend all my saturday nights alone.

    It's just really getting to me today I guess. I'm tired of always being the one that gets left out :(.

  • Anonymous-55

    I'm a 29 year old guy (nearly 30 now.....scary). I can count the people I could loosely call friends on one hand. I have one person in my life that I can talk to but I kinda feel like no one really understands me. I also have a female friend with whom I am close but things have become complicated and now its hard to be with her. I'm pretty much lost in life :-( However, I have a strong belief that everyone who is alive today has chosen their own life and are here for a reason. I think we are here to learn via experience and that we choose the experience we need to have. My only problem is why the hell did I choose this!!!! I am depressed over my situation but at the same time I know that I must experience what I'm going through. At the end of the day this is only temporary and the best thing to do is just grit your teeth and bare it no matter how hard it gets (and it can get real hard). Keep your chin up people because being positive about things is a decision that you make by yourself, and that means that you're taking control. If you die alone without friends and happiness then so be it.......but it wont always be like that. Peace and Love to everyone x

  • martin

    Hey Guys,

    im 25 and hve the same problems ...want to change....tried many times ...each time I fall depression gets stronger............No one with whom I can talk abt ....hve frds ...I am not tht open type .......i get angry at most people and start shouting at them if they hurt me a little.

    Parents are not that interested in me.All thay want is I should not spoile their name.They think I am a short tmpered person

    It would be great if someone could contact me just to have an online friend

    my email id : ......

  • Anonymous-56

    I'm 15 years old, male, and i have the same problem. Alot of my peers think i am cool and funny and I goof around alot. Some girls like me. But for some reason alot of days i really don't have anything to say to my peers, we dont even hang out alot. I guess join a sport or something, me and my friends from track are cool with each other.

  • Jason

    Yep. I actually googled: "Why don't I have any friends". I feel the same as most of you - depression, social anxiety, but mostly: left out. I have people in my life who, if I asked, would say they are my friends but I don't feel any reciprocated friendship. I'm a very giving person, especially with my friends, and I feel that my friends do nothing but take from me. Anyone want to pass some time together? email me at

  • asdfqwerzxcxcv

    things are getting worse.. life sucks.. and i believe im not getting to 30.. maybe im just not worth to be here..

  • Anonymous-57

    I am 18 years old (male.) My life is well pathetic, and sadely, it shouldn't be like this because of the advantages I have. I am about 6 feet tall, very good looking (I am not braging), when I try to look nice I can turn numerous heads. This all means nothing, because for some reason I cannot branch out to people. I go to school, talk with almost everyone in my class, but the moment i even try to extend these relationships beyond the classroom these people are gone faster than I can blink my eye. I have sort of diagnosed my own problem. It is lack of confidence and the way I speak. Sometimes I will wake up and feel real great and talk loudly and clearly and I will notice a difference, people start getting attracted to me....but then once negative comment by someone, one dirty look, one snob, snicker, stare, and my confidence falls apart, I start to act depressed, I get quieter, I avoid eye contact, and then slowly but surely, the people leave.

    Is there some medication for this or something, I have ONE friend that I can actually talk to, it shouldn't be like this, I should be out partying and having fun, and so should everyone else who has posted here on this forum. If I have learned something from all my social failures, it is that you need to make people see/believe what they want, you need to give them what they want. I also think I have another problem. On a basic spectrum, one end being boring and emotionless, the other being spurratic/fun/emotional, I just can't find the medium. I am either at the boring end where people don't want to be with me because of that, or I try to act super confident and just end up being lout and annoying, I can't figure out how to be a fun exciting person with funny things to say without making myself look like an idiot. All I know is that sometimes I think about killing myself and this isn't healthy at all. When I am close to making a new friend I get so exciting (I know its sad) that I start to push it too hard and then they get freaked out and just to ignore me.

    I wish other people could see how much this is hurting me, it feels like a knife is getting stabbed through my heart every time I walk out of that school alone. I just don't understand, how can nobody care? Is this what the human race has become? They say humans are more advanced than the average animal but in what way? You rarely see a pack of animals abandon a member because it is smaller or weaker.

  • The girl next door

    I may not be the best advisor for this situation, what with my life in a mess sometimes and an abysmal social life to top that, but I will try my best :P.

    I do not know any of you, will probably never meet any of you, but to me, you guys are the most beautiful and bravest people in the world. You guys have the courage to stand up and face your problems in a way that makes me want to cry. Life will always be an up and down thing. If we can't see the down, when will we ever truly enjoy the up?

    Situations are always hard it's okay if you don't do anything. I know I didn't. Words like "be yourself" or "just get out there" felt like anvils on me because I was too insecure or too shy. I still am. I do know one thing though, that this life I'm living, the people, the events, the loneliness, the pain, everything...mold a sense of self into myself, a deeper sense. Once I come to terms with this deeper self, I think I will find something worth it.

    Yes, digging deep is a pain, but what is it you really wish to seek? Happiness, am I right? Love? All these things and then you realize they are feelings, beautiful feelings. Then great, there's loneliness, disgust, and maybe even insanity sometimes. The idea is just to embrace all of your feelings, never feel guilty for any of them. They make up all of you, and they've led you to this important stage now.

    Change can only begin from within. Listen to your heart, follow your instinct. Don't mind the messed up thoughts too much they're just noise. Don't mind the other people who hurt you some don't mean to, others aren't worth your time. I think the only person that matters right here and right now is you.

    I don't know why, but I love you, okay? Take some time to reevaluate yourself. Cry, punch a pillow, meditate, pray, whatever, anything to let it out. Then sigh and relax. It's okay. Have fun, take a day out, don't do anything forced. Then when you love what you do, or become the person you want to be, maybe friendship, love, or something even better will come your way. For me, I don't mind if it doesn't but at least I know something honest was there.

    Life isn't as serious as we make it out to be it was just meant to be.

  • Neal

    After reading all of the posts here, there's really not a whole lot of new info that i can offer. Obviously i'm experiencing the same things as the rest of you but surprisingly i'm not comforted by the fact that so many people feel the same way. My google search was simply "no friends". Its frustrating to be so sure that you're better off alone, and yet be so lonely at the same time. All the while experiencing terrifying sometimes paralyzing anxiety at even the mere thought of socialization. I'm not going to list my whole life story here, much as i feel the need to. How can i possibly expect sympathy and support if i'm not first willing to give it. So difficult as it may be to believe from a complete stranger, please know that even though i may not know you or ever meet you i love you and care about the difficulty you're experiencing in your life and i would aboslutely love nothing more than to hear your stories and to tell you about my depressing failed attempts at rejoining the human race. Please email me: and don't you dare think that i won't bother writing back! =)

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hi Neal,

    Thank you for your comment. I plan to use it for another article on the same subject. There is help for this problem.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Celene

    Hey everyone,

    I found this after googling, "no friends college."

    I'll start by introducing myself: I just finished my Sophomore year of college, and have no friends. In high school I had so many friends, I never thought I would be friendless. Unfortunately, not only do I attend a commuter school, but I don't drink or do drugs, and am an outcast being white. None of my friends in high school came to my school (except one, but we aren't very close).

    I really don't feel like I fit in here, and I lost my old "spirit" I used to have. I spent my first year in the dorms, but my mom humiliated me by screaming and crying for hours (she's bipolar). I was too embarrassed to make friends with people in my dorm, but thought I would make friends in class or in clubs. Not only did my classes offer little time to socialize, neither did the clubs I joined! I thought, "next semester!" Unfortunately, my previous teacher for Chinese 1A screwed my class over by not teaching us a few months-worth of material, but I thought I could catch up. I studied HOURS per day, hardly sleeping just to pass the class!

    With a few family crisis this year as well, I again failed to make any good friends. I didn't want to make friends while depressed and like the OP I was ashamed of having no good friends already, so I blew really nice people away.

    I will be staying near campus this summer, and would love to make a good friend of two who will hopefully also benefit!

    I'm a cute, sweet, and fun girl. I like anime/manga, videogames, guitar, art, music, cooking, rollerblading/working out, amusement parks, movies, and of course shopping. :)

    I am majoring in Business Marketing, but am going to become an Entrepreneur.

    I believe in fate, and hope I can find my future best friend on here!!! You can email me at, and I'll be sure to respond!

    So Email me haha :)

  • asecretfromyou

    Short and sweet: I don't have any friends I can truly confide in other than my family members.

    Since high middle elementary school, it has been like this no matter what.. I try to fight against it too. I play several sports and am in a couple clubs, I know some people in every class I go to, and I am invited to enough parties to keep me sane. But everywhere I go, the feeling still feels the same.. It feels like I'm only there because I am being used.

    I spot the faults in people and it grows and grows until I can't take it anymore and I just end up hating them.

    That's pretty stuck up, huh?.. I can't help it though, I've always done this.. But I can't hate my family members, since my mind has reasoned that I will be living with them forever, I'll be able to cope.

    Another thing that has ruined me is that I can't trust a single member of the opposite sex.

    Sure, I've got "girl friends" but I subconsciously treat them as if they are going to backstab me at any moment. Every girl I talk to, I am always cautious and wary of, no matter how nice or how friendly they are.. Must've been from my traumatizing earlier experience.

    I'm a rising sophomore in college so I've got three more years to go.. I don't think I'll make it.. Next year, I will be rooming with 3 people who I absolutely loathe. I hate them so much that the thought of sharing a room with any one of them disgusts me. One of them constantly follows me around, wears my clothes, and acts like me. (My former-roommate). The second lies about anything and everything, just so that he will be the "best." The third, is.. well, "that guy."

    See? I did it again.

    I mean for crying out loud, the person who I thought was my first "real friend," I wrote an entire blog about him. But then in about a month, I erased any good memories with that person and I ended up hating him too.

    Maybe it isn't me. Maybe I'm just attractive to people who love taking advantage of others.. When dealing with other people, I always seem to end up getting the short end of the stick..

    Even though I have people who want to talk to me every day, none of them are my friends. When I go to the gym, I'm alone. When I'm walking out of class to go to another, or to go study, I'm alone. When I'm in the dining hall, I am alone. However, I don't find being lonely that bad anymore since I've entered college.. It has become a way of life, in that my iPod is my new only best friend..

    And it's summer vacation now. I have not "hung out" or met up with anyone I know for three weeks and counting. I don't see much of a problem with it, as I'm normally a loner. But it just keeps me wondering what having a real friend must be like. Someone to hang out with, someone to discuss your insecurities with, and someone to just rely on without getting judged.

  • Anonymous-58

    I have already graduated college, last year. Like some that have posted, i had a lot of friends in high school. An awesome group of friends and we hung out all the time. I've always been the quieter one of the group, but they excepted me for that. They are awesome. But....then i went to college. And yes, i didn't make friends. Now, when i say friends, i mean good friends that i was really close with. Like some who have posted, i have some social anxiety which is causing some depression. Lonliness sucks and friendlessness sucks too. The world is too fucking big, and that depresses me sometimes. No one cares about each other...but this is coming from a depressed person. Anyway, i started taking an anti-depressant, Celexa, to help with anxiety and depression. It has helped quite a bit, and i would highly recommend it to anyone suffering from social anxiety disorder. Be sure to adjust dosage according to what you feel, and it often needs to be adjusted. The meds help me be more positive and active. I'm still a fucking mess though. Meaning i've still got a long way to go. Baby steps.

  • William

    I'll be your friend. :D

  • xyzlikeme

    did not know other people were like me if i stop putting these walls up maybe i can have true friends sometimes i feel so low i dont wont to do anything i dont have the accomplishments like the people i know and that makes me stay far away. many people i would call friends have experince life they way i wish i could they have children falling in love none of that has happend to me and i feel it will never happen to me the only that i got going is my education maybe that is all i need but i wish i could have more.

  • BK

    Hey everyone,

    Just wanted to say that I understand how all of you feel. It often seems like it's the best, kindest people who are forced to suffer the most when it comes to having friends and good people in their lives. My heart always aches for people who try to do good by others and don't get the friendship, love, and respect that they deserve in return.

    My story isn't anything spectacular or any worse than anyone else. I had a lot of friends in high school because I was very involved in school/sports activities. Then my senior year I met a girl who turned into the love of my life. I believed her to be the one that I would marry and be with forever. Unfortunately, my friends didn't like her because she "wasn't like them", and as a result they alienated both of us and turned their backs on me. College was just as tough. My "friends" at college were all single and wanted to go out and fool around all the time. None of them liked the fact that I remained so loyal to my girlfriend. Things took a turn for the worse after my junior year in college when my girlfriend decided after 4 years (3 of which we went through with me away at college) that it was ok to cheat on me and fool around with whoever she wanted. She left me soon after and refused to even remain in contact with me from then on (still haven't heard from her to this day). After that happened, I went into a deep depression, and tried turning to every "friend" I had ever had for comfort and help. None of them came to my aid, however, and I spent a full year in a deep downward spiral that never really improved.

    Despite all of that though, I try to keep a positive outlook on life, and now that I've graduated from college my dream is to start a non-profit that helps people suffering from mental, social, and emotional disorders. As a result, I understand fully how all of you feel, and I want to be a friend to any of you who need to reach out to someone. Sometimes, just talking to someone one-on-one makes all the difference in the world. I am here for any of you that ever need a REAL friend to talk to. I will keep all of you in my prayers. My contact info is listed below so you can contact/reach out to me anytime!

    AIM: BEK1987


  • anonymoose

    Have you tried RuneScape?

  • Anonymous-59

    i can seriously relate with alot of these threads and i hope i will bring something aswell to the table so new people can relate :) and feel their not alone..

    I am 21 and i had a very interesting life, in kindergarden i was always struggling to make friends, i was bad tempered and somewhat abusive but at the same time didint understand why people didnt want to be my friend.. now i know why. so as i grew up i entered HighSchool, left my old school which was pretty bad and entered a Private school. the first year was tough, trying to make friends and get in with the cool people. anways i eventually became one of those kids that would chill with you and not hate, but being one of the popular kids who goes to all the parties, ive gotta almost every girl i ever wanted.. but relationship wise was always a failure..

    i had a girlfriend for one year which was my first step in my love life, and turned to be a horrible dream, we broke up, i was left broken, no confidence, no self esteem.. all my friends were there still calling to hang out but i just phased myself out.. let them disappear.. so i restarted, with new friends. (fast forward)

    i have always been since highschool a person who i cna make friends with ANYONE.. i am never scared of understanding another, and i always make a positive relationship with people. im a social animal.. im pretty good looking and i have a cool bohemian style to myself and i know who i am. so i can say i am happy in that sense.. but
    i have a problem and its somethign i cannot shake off.. i am lazy, not fat but just lazy, and i do, do activites but i really have to push myself and well.. when someone who i really do have a great time with at work would want to grab a beer or hang out, i say yes and i really do naturally want to do it, but then i begin to start feeling anxiety when the time comes, and i start to think what am i going to dooo, will i be amusing, will he/she get bored of me, if i dont do it ill be a loser, but im too scared to do it so i dont.

    everyone who meets me gives the impression that they think i go ouuuuttt all the time and i have millions of girls lined up and all this, but in reality i dont and i try and let people know that is not what they see on first appearence to quickly judge even if in a social level its a good thing, it just gives me allot of Worrying and thought to trying to match what they think of me, or disappointing them.
    i just want to be myself and i am, but the judgement of others really does effect me. makes me feel like i HAVE to commit to that impression they have of me or ill let them down.

    im not one who cares what people think alot of times on things, but this is the only thing that really messes me up

    thanks for hearing me out : ) i feel the burden you all have and i wish you the joy and sweet nectar that life offers. we are all learning about life and will eventualy figure out where we want to be.

    i send ALL my love to each and everyone to you if you need to talk, trust me i will never judge you and i hope you will not judge me

  • Anonymous-60

    I too googles "i have no friends" and started reading this. I started feeling sorry for myself as i read the first couple of comments...but as the list went on and on I realised something!! THERE ARE SOOOO MANY PPL FEELING THIS WAY! I have come to the conclustion that we all MUST know someone who is feeling this way...and I bet we dont even know it. I am going to make more of an effort to help others feel better, and stop wallowing in my own misery. Who knows....maybe Ill make a friend or too while im at it! :)

  • John

    First off, I can't believe what I'm reading. It's almost as if someone has taken pieces of a script from my life, emotional rollercoaster’s, hardships and posted them on this page.

    Little background info, I'm a white 5'4" 145lb male living in south Texas and have been since my freshman year in high school. Being the little white kid in the most Hispanic predominant areas of south Texas is a damn hard thing to get through.

    I also Googled "I have no friends" and found this page. I'm also 29yrs old & half way to 30. I have a significant other with whom I have 1 child, she's about to be 3. I have a dead end job that will likely keep me posting data and filling for the foreseeable future. I work 8-5, rent a home, play world of warcraft, and spend time with my daughter but lately, that's just not cutting it anymore. I want MORE, I NEED more, I want friends! I have 1 person who I can call "friend" but other than that, ZIP. My mother and father split up when I was two, then moved around Texas constantly. I went from school to school sometimes 2 or 3 times a year (this continued throughout high school). I never got to make a "best friend" or even someone that wanted to hang out with me, and now I have nothing. My father is 300 miles away and my mother is a drug addict and a failure in every aspect of the words.

    I'm at a point where I'm about to give up, leave my family and disappear. I keep telling myself, "it could be a lot worse, there are people who have it worse john, snap out of it." I try to trick myself into being active, going out, and meeting new people but every time I go out in public I get completely ignored, even if I'm the one to initiate conversation. My whole life I've watched others grow up (literally in size) around me, all the while I'm just stuck in the same body I've had since freshman year in high school. On top of that, I carry the burden that is my mother with me when I'm with my family. It's like they see her in me and apply the same disregard and contempt. I can't stress how much anger I've accrued over the years, I feel like I'm going to explode. The only thing keeping me partially sane is my daughter. Without her I would be completely ( if not already) lost.

    I just don't know what to do anymore I don't even know why I'm posting on this page. I'm hoping someone will read this and relate in some way. I'm feeling so depressed and I'm usually not like this. I'm the guy that always had a grin or was always acting funny or trying to make people laugh, and even though they didn't laugh most of the time I still tried to keep a grin on my face. I figured if I was happy, people would want to be around a happy person, right? Wrong, it didn't matter how optimistic I was or how much I grinned I just don't get spoken to. Even my own cousins ignore me. It's that stigma that comes with being the son of a drug addict I guess. Cold, cruel, caliced, these are the words that best describe the world as I've come to know it, I just wish I knew someone who would do anything for me the way I would do anything for someone I would consider a true friend.

  • ste

    Im 22 years-old, the usual, no real close friends,isolation,intoxication,depression etc.... and like everyone here I feel like nothings going to change, yet im making most of the right decisions/things and I should be making friends but the result is the same. We scour the net trying to find a solid answer solution to end our greif and inner pain.The answer isnt drugs

    so what is the answer? Im sorry guys I dont have/dont think there is an answer from all I read. There are people here and elsewhere that are in there 30's, 40's and beyond that have been suffering for longer and have tried everything yet here we are still talking about it, actions really does more than words.

    a few helpful things I can say, that will help is:

    1. Take up a hobby(if you dont already have one), something you can do by yourself. (personally for me its: building motorbikes riding them among a few other things like to do)

    2. If you feel angry or sad, whatever, let it out, dont bottle it up. Its like a bad day at the office, 1 bad day and ok the next.

    3. Acquaintances, phone them up, try and arrange to go out

    4. Make yourself go out, even if you dont want to.

    For a long while Ive been going to the pub by myself (you need some balls for this one) and actually met old friends, sometimes they ask "who you out with" I say no one, Ive just come out for a quiet drink. I asked them if they were staying or going elsewhere, they said they were going to the club and even invited me.

    the worse thing that can happen is you stay at the pub, get really drunk and go back home. If your stuck indoors your not meeting anyone.

    Only a couple of times have I been to a club on my own and its really horrible so a little drink helps in that respect but even then your thinking the whole time, your feeling alone. The only thing I can suggest here is to just hope you meet up with some acquaintances, talk to them and tell them youve lost your mates and is it cool to hang about with them, once thats established, try and have a good time and ask them if there going out again next week, hope for an invite or you can invite yourself asking. Now you can repeat^ the more you hang around with the same crowd, you will be a regular.

    This same principal can be applied to hobbys too and you dont have to be acquaintances, just be a regular!

    we all say it, theres loads of other people in the world that are worse off than us, yet when its affecting you its hard to even be greatful of anything when your constantly sad inside hurting, its a constant battle.



    In my opinion mecication both professional and abusive isnt the anwer because while its making you feel good if your still getting the same results and your not "making friends" then your still ALONE !, how long do you want to feel false happy feeling? Long story but my mother has been on anti-depressents for years and she has the same problems as me plus many more! it hasnt helped her for 1 bit in the long run, if anything its made her worse, not just in a depression way but i would say all sorts of other things e.g memory, anger etc.... personally for me, I refuse to even consider going down that route, its just another dependant, the drugs may as well be a bottle of vodka 24/7.

    Having said all of the above Im sure a lot of you maybe, like myself, not only suffers from the lack of friends but also things like our interaction, being talkative, funny, shy etc.... among other things comes into all this I think for some people.

    I think I could go on but im going to end it about here, I still suffer from a lot of things but in terms of friends its mainly just not having any close friends rather than before when i had no one and nothing. If you want to talk to me, send me an email and I will reply when I have time. Hope the info above is of some use

  • Craicindublin

    Hi guys, i am from Dublin, Ireland. I dont even know where to start, i am feeling lonely and depressed lately (for last couple of months) mainly i feel like everybody is full of them selves and i dont have any friends at all, i am 29 i have a good job, sparts car, house, girlfriend (whos currently 6 months pregnant) i also have 6 year old daughter from a woman who lives with us (me and my preg girlfriend) in the same house but different room of course. Her mother decided to give my daughter away for foster care when she was born and i go to see her once a month, me and my partner are on very good terms with her as she dines with us we share everything with her such as food, drink, gossip, etc.

    My depression problem started when i moved from city centre because i lost all my friends, they just could not be bothered to get the bus, i tried to accomodate their needs by driving over to pick them up but in the end it was just one sided struggle so i gave up. I now feel used and abused by my mates. Everytime if i get close to someone to be their friend they take more interest in my money, car and perks than me. The depression is really getting me down because i have no mates what-so-ever i am currently seeing a counsellor who suggested that my ex partener should move out of the house to ease up the stress and me being paronoid all the time.

    I know it is the problem but i dont think she is the ONLY cause of my problems. I think the main cause is that i have everything bottled up inside me since i dont have any mates to share my problems with which is why i am just letting my self. when it comes to other people i just asume them to come to me and ask for friendship which may never happen. can you please email me and be my friend no matter where you are just stay intouch with me it will make me feel a lot better about my self and if you are in dublin, ireland dont forget to let me know. All the best.

    My email is

  • Ste

    my email is:

  • James

    Hi I'm 22 years old.

    I've lived in Chertsey, Addlestone, Woking, Lyne, Wiltshire, Somerset, Exeter, Woking again and now Poole :) My mother and I were abused by my father and then my step father which meant we had to move to alot of refuges which sucked alot. This meant I missed alot of school and never made any real friends, just fellow abused kids who are now mostly hooked on drugs or going down the path to prison.

    Now It has affected me alot because I'm 22 and haven't had a relationship in 7 years or so because I'm so anxious about getting intimate with people. I'm sociable at work and can make jokes and am very friendly but I just can't get to the next level and really enjoy myself. It's like a brick wall in front of me which I just cannot penetrate. Just looking for some help really so any suggestions please feel free to contact me.

    Keep your chin up,


  • friends?

    i try to help the week and needy from abuse from dominating chatacters but these so called week friends eventualy gets friendly with dominating people and stab me on my back. they easily forget all the good i have done and starts talking behind my back. so i rather be alone than these ungreatful friends. Dr please advise other than asking me to go to a psychotherapist.


  • uncertain

    There's so much running through my mind on a daily basis that I can't begin to express it all in complete sentences. I am married with two kids. I'm female and turning 28 this year. I feel unaccomplished and like a failure. On the outside looking in, I have a great husband, beautiful children (three and two months old - boys), a house, etc.

    On the inside I'm alone and hurting. My husband is a great person...NOW. This is hard to explain because he was never a bad person but I was very insecure when we first got together. I didn't understand that it's natural for guys to look at other girls or porn or whatever. That was really difficult for me. Long story short, I've come to terms with some things and I work to maintain a healthy regards to that stuff anyway.

    Deep down inside, I wish I could go back in time being the person I am today and have broken off the relationship. Even though we are in a much better place then we were then - I feel as though I am the one who made changes to make the relationship work and he was just along for the ride. He's a great daddy and I know he does love me - but he fed a lot of my insecurities...unknowingly I suppose - but when I told him about the way I felt he was always like 'what do you want me to do'? I couldn't ask him to change because 1, that's not realistic and 2, I didn't have an answer.

    -I've always had issues with weight. I'm terrified of food and gaining weight. You would never know it though. Even now, 5/2 weighing 120 - due to baby weight I'm still trying to lose - my normal weight is around 100-103. I work hard to maintain that weight. Workout almost daily, play soccer, watch what I eat. But I definitely don't have a healthy relationship with food. I've never been full blown anorexic but almost to the verge. I'm breastfeeding right now and if it wasn't for that I might have stopped eating all together. That said, because I'm also an exercise nut, not eating is not reasonable.

    So...reasons for depression...not sure but here are some thoughts:

    -back in school and I'm scared to death I'm not going to be smart enough to get into a nursing program. I'm taking this math class - which I've already failed the first test and quiz. I'm actually decent in math but it's been so long that I've been experiencing math anxiety where literally, my mind goes blank and I start sweating. I can workout the problems at home and in front of my husband who is a math genius but when it comes to being tested I freak out. I'm really great at application problems and math involving sciences but 'math for math's sake - I can't remember all the rules. It makes me feel like an idiot, and it's embarrassing to have to come home and tell my husband that I failed my first test and quiz when I know he thinks this math is at a 5th graders level.

    -The 20 lbs I'm carrying (goal of 100)'s really hard. I hate hate hate myself for not having lost this weight. I cry about it daily. Just like my math at the moment. After every class I literally cry for a good two hours. My husband thinks it's silly. He doesn't understand what it's like because he's brilliant and I'm an idiot.

    -I feel like I'm faililng my kids. Vicious cycle. Because I'm not happy with my body, I don't feel like playing as much as I would normally. I'm always sleepy or tired. I try my best to be there for my older son but I also have to take care of my younger one and I don't know how to balance the challenges of two kids. Still learning. I'm also a stay at home/work from home mom too PLUS two classes a week. I just started my semester and already I'm overwhelmed. I feel as though my husband kind of pushed me to take both classes. I wanted to only take one.

    -I have no solid female friendships. There are a couple of girls that I'm close to by default - we've just known each other for so long, but I can't share all my thoughts with them because I know they are judgemental. Very judgemental. Thoughts like this - where I have to go a forum and post up my feeling anonymously - they would look down on me if they knew how I really felt about my life and myself. I'm longing for a connection to another female. BFF's - you know, the kind you see sharing clothes, shopping, gossiping. A BFF that would have similar insecurities to me so we could work through them together.

    -I make superficial friends easily - you know the kind - whenever you want to go out and party, they're always avaiable but when you really want to 'get to know them' they are too busy to return phone calls or respond to an email.

    -My son's birthday occurred recently and he's only three but we didn't have a party for him. I didn't have a party for him because I didn't know who I would invite. He hasn't started school yet and I feel like a piece of crap parent because I don't have a enough friends...or any friends really to invite to our house to celebrate his bday with us. On his first bday, I was working FT and invited mostly co-workers. How lame.

    -anyway, sorry to rant about the seemingly unimportant details of my life but it's just nice to know that I'm not the only who feels as though they have no friends to confide in.

    my mother and I are not close - she's over religious and depressing to talk to. She would tell me that depression is 'of the devil' and to not trust feelings and that Jesus is her only source of peace and happiness. My mom is one of the most cynical people on this planet. She has her moments but overall our relationship is strained as she has no idea who I really am - our relationship is fake for her benefit.

    I have no real family as I was adopted and not close to my dad or his family, and my mom's family doesn't live in this country.

    I don't know what else I should say at this point. Thanks for sharing and for this place to just vent. there's no one else I can talk with unless I want to pay someone to nod and 'mmmhmph' at my thoughts.

  • Anonymous-61

    i have no friends either as well as social anxiety and nothing a therapist has ever said has really helped me. being in clubs does not give you friends. im sorry doc youre wrong. the truth is people dont care about anyone but themselves. dont tell people that you try to be friends with that you dont have any. thats the only thing i know. i dont know how to have friends either. i guess everyone i try to talk to is too busy.

  • Lauren

    Wow, I don't know if this thread is still going, but this is the first time I have genuinely felt like people relate to what I am saying....I have always had trouble making friends, I guess it is because I'm from a small area in the country, there were only 20 or so people in my age group in the entire district. Then came high school - I always thought it would change everything - but the bullying started. I never found out why, I don't have any outstanding physical characteristics to make people tease me without getting to know me, and I am not smart/pretty enough for them to be "jealous". So I changed schools, and pretty much the same thing happened. I stuck it out, and assumed university would change everything. Well, it still hasn't...I'm in my 2nd year and lonely as hell. I just don't have anything to say to people....I don't DO anything except study. Hopefully now I have found this group, I can make a friend.

    Email -

    Thanks guys


  • Anonymous-62

    Im turning 17 and i have no real friends. I have a cupple of guys i call now and then to hang out with. im happy with my life but i kinda want more, but i dont know how to get new friends. ive taken 1 year of school to work, so i hope i can meet someone in school. I just wanted to share this. sry for my bad english :P Anyways. have a good day

  • Robin Kahler

    I feel drawn to write to you and the girl who commented just before you. I don't know why. I had (probably) TOO many friends in school. BUT as I've grown older I've learned that it isn't the number of friends we have, even if you only have one, or none, because it all starts with you.

    You have to be your own best friend FIRST. Be true to yourself. Wear the clothes you really are comfortable in, don't follow the crowd. Read the books, watch the movies that YOU really want to read or see. (not what everyone else is reading). Listen to the type of music that YOU really enjoy.

    Just be true to yourself. I PROMISE you, you will be amazed at the friendships that follow. And they will be good ones, because you'll meet them at places you enjoy being, because that's where you'll be.

  • Been there, felt that

    It's good to know and feel that I'm not the only person who feels "EXACTLY" the same as the girl who wrote this such insightful letter. I used to have the same kind of problem when I was around 19/20.

    I started to feel depressed and lonely when I started to live in the school dormitory in my junior year as a transfer student. Before then, I have clinged to the belief that things would have turned out better after high school (I had no friends in high school) if I just stay and get my grades up in a community college to go to a prestigious school, I would then be able to start having a normal college life just like everyone else. But the sad part was, it didn't turn out that way as I was desperately hoping it should turn out. I made no friends, and the fact that I was living in a single made it even worse. Like the girl, I also had three roommates, with each one of them living in a single. I had a great bond with one of them, but it wasn't enough as he was a French exchange student who sometimes had difficulty understanding what I was trying to say but nevertheless the fact that he was willing to listen made me feel like in a company, I truly appreciated. But that wasn't long as he only stayed there no longer than three months. The other two, one is just ignorant and autistic I think, and the other from Hawaii just didn't give a crap about anything or everything, not worrying about what to do even though he was already a senior, his laid-back attitude sometimes made me disgusted as I'm always trying to be the best i can be whereas he just played his music everyday like nothing ever happened. I suppose, well, as I have come to learn, things don't always go quite the way one wishes them to be in a society. "That's why everything's fucked up" I thought to myself at that time. Come to think of it, I did seem to have a less mature social people skills compared to most people, which I now confidently accept as part of being ME. Still, back then, I felt into depression when I started to see that everyone around me seemed to have great life, funs, and parties going on. And all I got was just a bunch of useless roommates except my french friend, no life, and lots of studying to do. Come to think of it, I probably wouldn't even miss that much if even given the chance to party and meet and make lots of friends. And I'm stating this not as I'm being defensive or trying justify the fact that I was depressed and had no friends back then in order to make myself feel good. Rather, I'm just like that, me I have no problem socially interacting with people in one-on-one basis but I often feel drain when immersed in a group chat as I often feel left out and unappreciated. I have come to realize that what I truly want may just be that one or two soulmates that really get me and understand my complex and sometimes unstable personality, which I'll like to vent out if anyone who reads this can bear with me a lifetime longer.

    The reason why I have a complex, unstable personaly has to do with two. First, domestic violence. Second, being an immigrant myself. I was born in Asia in a family that was full of bigotry and egocentrism. My parents were never quite the model, well-informed parents out there. In fact, they were fame-seeking, ignorant, more concerned of social status and what others think about, and even deceptive to the point that they lie to themselves and to me. Ever since, I was a kid my father used all kinds of verbal and physical threats to make me stick to the chair to study, so that my parents would be well-respected by others (something that really disgusts me now because just how stupid, uncaring, and short-sighted they are). And they did get what they wanted with no concern or knowledge about my mental and physical well-being, as I did go into an elite elementary school with a high IQ. Other rich parents have to pull strings to send the kids in, but still my parents weren't satisfied as they always wanted more both fame and money, something I just couldn't really quite describe these two well as they are somewhat cultural things I think. I've often come to believe and blame my parents for not letting me have a life of a normal kid who just wants to hang out with his friends no matter how stupid, ugly, poor, dirty but friendly and willing to stand by me when I felt lonely. It took me years up until my junior year in high school to finally get rid of the idea my parents have used to brainwash me, that I should always associate myself with powerful, rich, and successful people. All the time I just did everything that my parents told me to, and had never thought about what I had gotten myself into. But, what could I do? I was only a kid learning and growing.

    My childhood in the school was never really good. Being the smartest didn't get me anywhere, and I was a very introverted and thinking type, never quite good at talking and playing with my words. I guess I was born with a throat that makes very little voice, as my voice is still small and feeble most of the time even for now, and when I get nervous or afraid, the volume goes even lower to the point I feel like I'm talking to myself. Either way, kids didn't like me, and they liked to bully me and harrass me because I was socially inapt. The bullying took place throughout the entire elementary school years, and my parents didn't know even know a thing because they were just so busy about comparing me like a golf trophy with other people's kids and working like dogs 10 hours a day. They never bothered to talk with me as a person. On the contrary, I was the employee, and they were the employers, and I owe them both the soul and body because they are my parents who give birth to me, something that my father still tells me even now. Come to think of it now, it sounds really fucked-up with a different cultural perspective in which individualism and freedom to choose rather than submission are cherished. As a result, somehow, that lack of expereince of intimate communication between two people has severely crippled my social interaction skills, and it took me a long time to find ways to develop it. Even now it's still a work in-progress as I still have difficulty and discomfort getting to know someone too deep. I suppose I don't know what to do rather than blink my eyes wondering what's the next thing to do, which somehow explain my complex unstable personality. But the fact that my parents never treat me as an equal human being has seriously impacted my growth of self-esteem, and I felt that for a long time. By the time when I reached my adulthood, I was lost, depressed, and suicidal, for I had come to realize that the so-called "my life" isn't mine after all. I've been living on expectations, expectations that are so mixed up I couldn't tell if it was something my parents gave through means of fear and verbal abuse, something that I tried to escape because of my miserable childhood, or something that was a disillutional protrayal of my self being popular with many friends, powerful, and successful. Yes, it took me a long time to gather all the screw-ups, but it took even longer to finally address the problem because I was never able to think clearly when travelling around.

    I started studying abroad in Australia, Canada, and America in seperate discontinuous durations, soon as I started middle school or grade 7. My parents sent me abroad to study because that was everyone with enough financial means does. To them, saving "face" was all that was important. Never a single time did my parents asked of what I did or what I discovered such as things or friends. All they wanted was that I showed up with As, so that they could keep their heads in front of others. One good thing though, I was never really left with the time to contemplate about friends, and I enjoyed the challenge and hard task of having to take care of everything from boarding airplane, getting out the airport, taking ferries, packing and unpacking my stuff, and most importantly learning how to speak English. And the time I had with the homestay familes one of them Brits and two of them German really opened my eyes and perception around the world. But unfortunately, for all the things that I ever got from them about the values of having a good life and true happiness, my racist parents dismissed them as stupid white people with no concern for higher education and cultural grace. And so, they decided to place me eventually in the U.S. because my father's family was there. I finished high school in the U.S., but never had a chance to really experience the drama and chances of friendship because, well, i suppose just like the saying goes, "When you look into the abyss, the abyss looks back into you." I wasn't never normal again after all I had been through, and I found it hard to relate well with other seemingly worry-free, simple-minded students. I was really stuck up with myself for thinking they would never understand, and for quite some time I was sad about it. It only got worse in the college years because I felt like I was missing a lot and wasting so much time dealing with my inner emotional struggle.

    Nevertheless, and what I'm about to say now is to anyone that still feels lonely and depressed, it's okay to be lonely because what makes you weak makes you strong. To feel lonely is a sign of high-level self respect and caring for your own well-being. You feel lonely because you care about yourself and your life, and that gives you the perfect chance to really oberserve you and the others objectively. Maybe there's something special about you that makes it hard for people to really get it. But I believe everything will just work itself out in due time. Just be confident, cheerful, and most importantly yourself. Personally, I have come to the conclusion that no one will ever understand just as much as I do myself, for I have experienced things that are just too damned unique. And the same goes for all the loners out there, you just need to stay positive and think about all the accomplishment you had and it can be anything. I always pride myself for having the mental insight to know that I was lonely and needed companionship. Just one more thing to add, outdoor acitivity such as swimming, biking, or hiking in countrysides or national parks with spectacular scenes, along with balanced diet with all the needed supplement, helps too! Staring quietly at the natural beauties whether it be animals, mountains, trees, or flowers have profound healing effects on me, and I think it will be for you too.

  • Anna

    Wow. I am amazed to find so many people describing exactly how I feel/have felt. My story is a little different from what I've read here, but the end result is the same.

    Had a good childhood, I was confident and had many friends, I was always up to something, helping someone and the first to suggest new things to do etc. Then, at 18, I fell into an emotionally abusive relationship that lasted for 3 years. Finally came to my senses and managed to escape that, but it wrecked my confidence, I lost/binned many of my ‘friendships’ in the fallout (he spread terrible lies that many of my so-called friends believed without question) so I became excessively shy, wary, distrusting, over-analytical, socially anxious...

    I spent the next few years recovering, mostly by throwing myself into work, study and random trips to the seaside (my fav place), and was making good progress - I had some nice colleagues and I had a few friends (I was even able to identify toxic friends and get rid of them too) - until a car accident in 2005, that paralysed my then bf.

    At first, people rallied around, but when they found out my bf was not going to make a recovery, slowly started to disappear... I made the decision (which I now regret) to stick by him and help him rebuild his life. Not only did this cost my social life in its entirety (which I didn’t mind at the time) but it gradually undid all of my previous recovery, because emotionally abuse started (I only just realised this recently, I had thought he was just angry).

    And so it was until 2 months ago. I was in a horrible situation, and was suffering from “moderate - severe depression”. Wonderful. I had no-one in my life other than this abusive ex-bf because I'd lost everyone else (and my attempts to salvage these friendships have failed, they're all busy or disinterested). I'm kinda reliant on him (esp the salary as I now work for him), but he did everything he could to stop me from socializing (inc stalking me), despite knowing how heart-breakingly lonely I was. I'm guessing that's where he got his power-over-me from, fuelled probably by his fear that if I went out, I'd meet someone else and move on.

    However, being a fighter by nature and since realising that yet again, I’d fallen into another abusive relationship, a glimmer of hope has since appeared... I finally got angry, very angry with him, and how I’d let myself get treated like that AGAIN, so 2 months ago I stomped off and registered with a small gym (basically to vent my frustration). As if by magic, I HAVE started to meet new people... (the ex tried to follow me, I assume to ‘guard’ me from others, but is unable to join as they have no facilities for the disabled). I taste the first vapour of freedom! I have made no friends as yet, but several people now acknowledge my existence, and some even talk to me!

    And therein lies the answer. Not drugs, alcohol or even blaming someone else. Don’t get mad, get even. Become a regular. Of anywhere, anything at all you're interested in. It worked for me as a child and it was the technique I employed as an early 20-something and am re-applying it now. You’re just as good/capable/interesting/lovely (if not lovelier) than everybody else, so why should they have all the fun? As someone on here has already said “You feel lonely because you care about yourself and your life” so now you’ve established you’re worth caring about, go and find others that feel the same… even if you have to turn over every stone on the planet to do it.

    My favourite quote from this page:

    “…just do the opposite of how you feel. I try to remain optomistic about humans in general, but there's alot retards out there. Every now and then i find someone worth a damn.”

    Well said. I hope I have been able to help at least 1 person. Thanks for reading and good luck xx

  • laura

    I am also 28 female with 2 kids. (2 years and 8 months). I am 5 ft 0 and 102 lbs. I just want the other mom to know that I gained 60 lbs with both kids and it took me 8 months this last time to get all the weight off. Your baby is only two months so give yourself some time to lose the weight! I know how it feels to juggle two kids. It is so unbelievably hard. I am a stay at home mom.

    I also don't have any friends anymore. I used to have alot of girlfriends but lost touch with all of them except for one. The one friend I do have is a drug addict and I feel weird talking to her because all she does is talk about her drug problems. I have lately been thinking about seeing a therapist for my social anxiety. I just am scared that the therapist will thinks its stupid, I have nothing to complain about. Me and my husband have a decent life and great kids. I do feel like it would be nice to have a bf to turn to. I also don't want to tell my husband that I want to see a therapist. I guess I don't want anyone to think it bothers me being the way I am. I just feel like I can't relate to alot of other people.

    If I talk to other moms and try to be friends with them they just piss me off. They either judge you on your parenting or brag about their kids the whole time. I have had a few tell me that kids in daycare are smarter than kids that stay at home with the mom. That really pisses me off. My 2 year old can count to 14 and knows all her letters. She is very smart.

    I guess the only reason my anxiety is really bothering me now is becasue I don't want my kids to have the same anxiety problems I have. I want them to have lots of friends and not be shy. I guess I just need to take that leap and make an appointment. Is there anyone out there that has made progress with a therapist?

    I am constantly wondering what people think of me. Is that normal? I fell like the majority of the time I am confortable with who I am but when I see other people with friends, I get sorta jealous that I don't have that closeness with another female.

  • Anonymous-63

    I, too, am a 20 year old female with no friends. I go to a great school, though awfully competitive, and have a high academic drive. I am active, I work out every day and lead a healthy lifestyle. I am attractive - I don't want anyone to think I'm conceited, but I do know that it's true. All my life I've received attention from males. I get hit on a lot at random, such as walking to class or out at night. Mind you, this is all based on my physical appearance. I DO have a boyfriend. We've been together for three years. He is wonderful, and we love each other very much. I know this may be the root of my problem of having no friends, but the thing is, we don't spend much time together because we live in different cities. Therefore, I have a plethora of opportunities to get to know people and form friendships. Except I haven't done that. My situation with friendships has been awkward. In high school i was a member of a small group of four girls and we kept to ourselves. I was not extremely popular. I developed later in life, and never went to parties or experimented all that much. Plus, I started dating my boyfriend junior year so I didn't go out much. I'm not wild, and I don't really like to drink, although in social situations I feel it necessary. I live alone now, (it's my sophomore year) and have lost contact with nearly all the people i met last year. They are all either in greek life, living with their sorority, or they live off-campus with other friends. I don't know what to do. I'm so unhappy because i have no social outlet. I get invited to parties very rarely, and when I do, i feel awkaward about it. I have one good friend but she just got into a relationship which takes up all her time. I don't know how to make friends. The people that live around me are all freshmen and all have made friends with each other already. Im the lonely sophomore living in a single. I am involved in a student organization but don't have much in common socially with them, they are sort of strange and a lot of them are religious. (it's a service organization.) My question is, how does one go about making friends their second year in college?

  • emily

    I seem to have the same problem as everybody else except i'm a little different

    everybody here seems to be in there 20's or are in college. I'm only 15. I have rarely many friends and i feel as if they arent really my friends. I've been teased by everyone most of my life. its not because im unattractive or anything im quite pretty but people dont want to be around me. i get very ngry when i lose friends and ive punched holes in walls can somebody help me?

  • Sunshine

    For people who don't suffer from social anxiety or anxiety of any kind, it's easy for them to just say: "Just snap out of it and believe in yourself!"

    Wish it was that simple! I'm sure it's simple for them because they have developed the ability to affirm themselves and to draw strength from within, when necessary. For me, as well as for many others here it seems, it is difficult to just snap out of my depression and start believing in myself because I lack the inner strength to begin with.

    How do I believe in myself when the inner image of myself has been so damaged? No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm interesting, I'm a fun and smart person so I should be able to relate to others well, and so on, it just doesn't work because I don't believe myself. I don't trust my opinions, so self-affirmations do not work for me. Since I don't have any friends except my husband who is my only friend, I don't have anyone else to acknowledge and affirm the goodness in me. Although I like to hear my husband say how wonderful I am, I have a hard time internalizing such compliments.

    A while ago, I felt like I hit the end of the road. I thought there is no way to break this vicious cycle of negativity. I've had my share of abusive relationships and I suffer from PTSD. I'm terribly lonely, and I have great social anxiety. Sometimes I don't even get out of bed all day because of my depression. It's really hard to have to face the outside world when you feel so down inside.

    I know what all of us here is going through because I'm going through the same thing every day. I just wanted to say to everyone who may be losing hope, that it is not the end of the road. The fact that you came upon this website whether out of curiosity or desperation (and I came here because of loneliness), shows that the 'you' inside have not lost hope and is trying to get help. You obviously care about yourself deeply because you feel so hurt. You can't hurt unless you care.

    I just recently began therapy a few months ago because I couldn't handle my depression any longer by myself. My anxiety has not gone away because it took this long just to tell the therapist all that's happened and she's being very careful about me having to re-live the trauma I've experienced. I've temporarily stopped therapy because of financial reasons, but just want to tell everyone that therapy is very helpful. Also, I really appreciated all the advice Dr. Schwartz has given here, and couldn't agree more with everything he said.

    If you are not able get therapy for any reason, it helps immensely just to have someone to talk to and at least analyze the root of your problems. For example, I realized that my negative self-image comes from not within me, but from others (family, friends, colleagues, significant others) who have repeatedly let me know in some way how worthless I am, from when I was very young. I've realized my negative beliefs about myself mostly came from my mother, who was extremely critical. She provided the inner voice in my head that criticized everything I did, said, or thought.

    The key here is to break the thought pattern. That's why Dr. Schwartz's advice on doing the opposite thing than what you feel like doing (i.e. going out when you feel like staying in) is such a great one. I really have a hard time with this one, but I know it's necessary to try. And I have to try to not beat myself up for not succeeding, when I do try. So I'm just taking baby steps here. I feel too weak to praise myself or feel good about myself, but I know that what I CAN do is to catch myself when I criticize myself.

    so this is where I am at right now: I sought help for myself and realized that although no one seemed to care about me, by wanting to help myself I cared about myself. And I tried my best to analyze where my negative feelings came from, either by talking with my husband, or with the therapist. Now I'm trying to slowly break the negative thought and behavioral patterns by doing things differently than what I would normally do. At the same time, I try to catch myself whenever I can, when I'm criticizing myself or saying something self-degrading to others.

    My two cents.. I hope it helps at least one person who may be thinking all is lost. Just want you to know that's not true. You're precious to yourself, that's why you are here. If you are a Christian like me, you also know you are precious to God. And although I don't know you, I care about you, as I think of and pray for all those who suffer from the same loneliness as I do. Feel free to email me if you need someone to listen.

  • Steven M

    I am a 19 year old lean, healthy white male. I moved out to college on a scholarship at the age of 17. After a year of expensive schooling, my loans were dropped and my mother would not co-sign. Long story short, financial services could not get me back in. I worked door to door sales for 3 months in my city Las Vegas, and another 3 months in South Chicago. I've always had skill in socialization, great memory and ability to listen to others, as well as humor/conversation. If not I could not have done well door to door sales. Three months ago I started a job doing delivery driving at a Pizza Hut in which I make decent money. It's just not enough. I realize tons of people come and go in life, and that is not what bothers me. I give a whole-hearted smile and greeting to anyone on the street, donate to charities, and pursue self education. I'm a quiet type, usually sitting outside the crowd and observing, if not being a social butterfly.

    My issue is not having any true friends (which I can deal with out), and not having any opportunities. For years I've known I have a GIFT of being extremely unique, and the ability to have a wide spread impact on the world. I am a talented musician/artist. My goal is to produce trance type music and soon to DJ out here in Las Vegas. I have always been a sort of hermit, but at the same time, socially I am a performer. I can do without constant attention, I just need the life I feel I'm destined for. The ability to go out and give people an amazing experience and leave everything behind. Yet scouring the internet, reading books, etc. has left me pretty close to where I started. It's not money, fame, etc. I can picture my self doing a set, and leaving with out a word, back to whatever temporary place I have. It seems lonely, but it has always been the life I lead. The only family member I contact here and there is my father, who is an EXTREME lone wolf type. But he's lived quite a life that he can be proud of.

    I apologize for any vagueness, this is a short summary. Just tonight I was invited to a party with my friend, in which no matter how many old friends and new ones swarmed me, I was numb. No alcohol, just cigarrettes. After standing around/conversing for a few hours, but always in contemplation, I had to leave. All I see surrounding me are people blind, living fake lives and not searching for truth. I'm just ready to leave all this behind and move on to my future, but stuck.

    I need to have an impact.

  • mcdabbas

    I was homeschooled from day one, I have 7 brothers and sisters... I am not an emotional person, but I do feel horrible and suicidal, as I dont really understand people... its one thing to be homeschooled your entire life, another thing to have your parent's care divided into 8 (and they were never emotional or loving to be honest), and yet another thing for them to be control freaks who dont believe in you. I am a civil engineering student, my grades are decent and above average, I dont look too bad, and I get alot of respect from people... And thats where the trouble starts... I dont know what it is exactly, but people seem to fear me and respect me... Its either that or they pity me, because no one would dare say a bad word in front of me or curse at me, and my parents who criticize at all my brothers and sisters, would not dare open their mouths at me... I am not even the oldest...

    At college, I found a person whom I really liked, and I felt like it was mutual, but for some reason I cant really socialize with that person, and I honestly dont know why... And now I feel like the person thinks Im arrogant and self centered for not talking enough... I feel like no one is ever honest with me, if someone can tell me what their thoughts are about me, I would be so releived, and in fact, if I was told that no one wants to be around me because Im hideous and ugly, Id honestly be releived just to know WHY people treat me the way they do... But I know It has nothing to do with looks, because people around me 100 times uglier have many friends... I just recently found out that I resent most people on earth, and its really depressing that I cannot trust anyone... I have no job, as my education requires alot of studying, and the idea of living with my parents for 4 more years until I graduate is depressing, and I honestly dont know if Im going to make it... Im going to try and take tennis or something next semester, but that will only be a one hour class, and I doubt I can find a friend in that period of time.

    As of now, I see no way out of this... I am, however, relieved that I am not the only one in the world who feels this way.

  • Anonymous-64

    so i basically googled "I'm 20 years old and I have no friends" and found this forum. it feels good to know that there are other people out there who feel the same way i do.

    i'm a 20 year old girl and a junior in college. ever since i've come to college i've become more and more lonely and insecure. i wasn't really this insecure in high school but that was because i was oblivious to the fact that i was a nerd, quiet, and didn't have that many friends. i go to a state school so theres a lot of people and thats when i started realizing i was really shy and wasn't very good at meeting people. i like to dance and party but i don't really know how to meet people or get invited to parties by myself. Freshman year i had this one friend, who i still love, but she is completely opposite of me. she's super outgoing and whenever we went to parties she would always mingle and i would be left in the dark. that lowered my self-esteem even more. i had a close group of friends and girls i live with, but i still feel really lonely. i don't know why but i'm just not happy. then i come home and i think i have something to come too, and now i've realized that i've been this way my whole life. its not that i don't talk, its just that it seems like no one wants to talk to me or they find me boring and not cool. my sister is also really social and so i feel like a complete loser compared to her. people just don't really want to talk to me and i feel like a freak.

    And I know some people feel this way because of their appearance, but I mean I'm not fat and I don't think I'm ugly I'm normal but at the same time I don't feel normal. Why don't I have a normal life like everyone else?

    I should be living it up, having the best years of my life, but I spend most of my time by myself or studying for classes for grades that I don't want. I've never had a boyfriend or actually even been kissed, but that doesn't bug me as much as not having friends or being social.

    i don't really know what to do and my grades have been suffering too. sometimes i think of leaving college but i know i need a degree and what sucks is that my loneliness is affecting my grades, which is the one thing i'm okay at. I've realized that I've been like this since at least 10th grade in high school. I used to have more friends, but I was really bad at staying in touch. I'm even bad at communicating with my family.

    I don't want to go on medication or tell my family because I don't want to hurt them, which is another reason I'm not gonna leave school. They have worked to hard to give me the life I have. I can't crush them, so I just keep it in. I'm good at that.

    and now i just don't know what to do with myself or my life. cool.

    sry for the long message/rant!

  • Anonymous-65

    I know how you feel. And hey, I'm a 20 year old too. I'll skip my story about high school because I was a drop out and a complete rebel. I thought it was all pointless, but now I realize it was just because I was scared of participating. This year, however, I found a nice boyfriend and he introduced me to some of his friends and I got in touch with people I know from high school. But I would have anxiety around them even though they seemed like trustworthy people. I drank with them to avoid social awkwardness. Eventually I got tired of putting on a face, so I stopped going out altogether. This distanced me from them, and I think put my boyfriend in a difficult position. I left him, and haven't talked to anyone for months. I then met another boy, who I didn't expect to like. But he was different and turned out to be really nice and for the first time in a while I had fun. I met some of his friends, and he made me want to make friends and go out and have fun, because that's what people my age do. So I did that. I wasn't queen of social, but it was fun. And he did not know about my complicated past. But then I started realizing he's not perfect, he can be rude sometimes and not so sensitive, and I'm sure that he doesn't mean it, but my self-esteem doesn't hold up to even small insults. I have stopped trying to see him, and now I am very lonely again and I stay at home.

  • Anonymous-66

    I am 21 years old and a jr. in college... i just transfered from another school and i have zero friends here. I talk to people, but no one seems to stick. I also feel that I have no one to talk to as well, I actually cried while reading some of the comments becuase I thought I was the only one with this problem. I feel a little better to know that I am not the only loser out there

  • Anonymous-64

    to the person with the last comment. i think what i need to help myself is someone to get through this/talk with about it together. if you want to talk, email me at

    if you don't its fine. i just wanted someone who was in the same situation to talk to. thanks.

  • Anonymous-67

    I feel the same way. I am a twenty year old college junior and I have no friends. I have people I talk to at work and in most of my classes, but I have no friends who I can call or hang out with outside of class.

    I'm too afraid to ask anyone to hang out, and nobody ever asks me. It's made harder because I don't drink and hate parties, and I haven't met another person who doesn't drink yet at my college.

    It's really getting to me recently. I'm depressed and cry all the time. I just don't see the point of it all. I don't know what to do. I wish I had just one friend that I could talk to or watch movies with. I don't know what's wrong with me that's keeping me from making one.

  • Misunderstood

    Wow so I googled the same thing, "im 20 years old with no friends" and I came onto this forum. I am so happy that I am not the only person going through this. I honestly felt I was alone on this one. I am 20 years old and a junior in college. In high school , I had a lot of friends basically because I was very nice and easy to get along with but when everyone graduated, everyone moved away, upstate and left me in NY. ughh Now in college, I thought I would make new friends but it didnt turn out that way. Im very shy and quiet and I really dont know how to approach people. In HS other ppl approached me but I find it very hard to ask people out to hang. The people I have asked out usually turned me down or never follow up after.. I just wish that there was a sort of youth group or friendship group that we could join. I hate this ..ughh!

  • AnonGUY

    as i mentioned above, i am glad to see im not the only one suffering with this issue.

    In my case, i have ppl around me, ppl that i can count on anything, friends to hang out. the problem is that i just always feel alone, and when trying to meet new ppl i have no idea on what to say or how to start a conversation.

    I go out a lot but i dont have fun at all. I also come from a break up of 3 year relationship, idk if this might be affecting me too. its been almost 6 months since the break up.

    but anyway, it would be nice to chat with any of you.

  • eden

    im 14 years old and i have an amazing imaginary world

    and im depressed what should i do

  • just mom

    I have read some of your comments here in this forum and I want to tell you about my son. He is 20 years old who struggled with high school but graduated. He took a year off then went to trade school. Into his second year he flunked out. He is a very handsome guy that is really cool. Only problem is he doesnt drink or do drugs and people around him are having problems with him because he doesnt party. He says he cant find anyone to hang out with that doesnt party. He doesnt want to hang with his freinds anymore because they dont apply themselves. They dont work, he does full time. They drink and party, he doesnt (used to but realize that alcohol just made him angry). I think he is depressed that he cant find a good freind to hang with. Im worried for him and dont know what to tell him anymore. Like I said he is a great yound man, very handsome but has a few tats. He can talk to anyone even the elderly and when he walks away they smile. He would do anything to help anyone and not think twice about it.

    What do people your age do on a small income do for fun with out the booze and drugs. Help! I really wanna see my boy smile again.

  • Shana

    I also don't have any friends. I'm 27 years old, and I haven't had a friend since middle school. I was socially rejected by my peers in school. I'm miserable and unhappy. All I want is to be happy like everyone else. I don't know why it's hard for me to make or maintain friends, maybe it's from depression, low self-esteem, low confidence, or shyness. I take an anti-depressant and I did try going to a counselor for several months but she didn't help me at all. I don't have the insurance to try to see another counselor. Sigh. I just want to be happy.

  • Anonymous-68

    I've suffered from depression all my life. Throughout grade school, I had only a few friends and was the prime target of bullies. The friends I did have eventually drifted away from me, or even turned on me.

    After graduating from High School, I was alone. I've tried taking university and college courses but my own well-being causes me to lose focus on my studies. I started taking medication to help improve my mood, but I have pretty much no social contact outside my immediate family. Friends that I make online eventually grow tired of me and I honestly have no idea what I'm doing or as to why people begin to dislike me. If it wasn't for my parents and cats, I really would have no one.

    People make it sound so easy to overcome these issues, but I've gotten nowhere. It's difficult as hell as I have no social skills and get depressed easily when dealing with people. If I could go out and actually talk to people and make friends, I would...but as of now I'm simply lost in life with no simple real life skills.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, Phd

    The problems of social avoidance or social anxiety, depression and loneliness are extremely difficult to cope with without professional help. I am not implying that self help is of no use. Not at all. There are many fine books and work books on these problems with exercises about how to overcome these problems.

    However, most of us need help to deal with this and, in my opinion, one of the best ways to deal with this is to go to a type of psychotherapy called Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). There are clinical psychologists and clinical social workers who are trained to and provide this type of treatment.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Catherine

    I too am I a 20 year old female that feels left out of the "social norm" of our generation.

    I went to private schools my whole life, and always had friends of different sorts. Some friends were better influences then others. Now I am approaching my senior year in college at a public university that is very diverse. My problems (for lack of better word?) started in second grade. I have a health condition that is benign but in second grade I did not realize this. I always was in fear of this particular condition and it made me a very anxious person until recently when I got everything professionally checked out. When high school came around I did very well with one sport in particular and had many opportunities to be a college athlete. None of that felt right, so I enrolled at a community college and obtained by Associate's and now I am finishing up my bachelor's. Same as most of everyone on here, I lost all of my friends. They all went away to college and are experiencing the typical college life. The difference between my friends and me (or so I used to think in my own head) is that they are living it up, and I, well, I'm not. I always held a job since I was 15 because...I like money. I like money because it means I can be financially independent. I work now at the same job I have held since I was 17 (senior year in high school) and have moved up in the company and am continuing to gain experience. I went through a semi-bad break-up which drained me emotionally. Here I was at a point in my life where my friends were gone, my sport outlet in high school was gone, my boyfriend was gone. All I had was me, myself, and I. Let me tell you that as hard as it was going through this ordeal of adjusting to all of the changes, it was the most liberating experience. I came to this crossroad where I thought everyone thought I was weird for staying home or I was a "weirdo" because I didn't drink and waste my time on unproductive things. Plus drinking is not a healthy choice with my medical condition. In fact, I am finding now because I work full time and go to school full time, some of my high school friends are amazed and dare I say, look up to me? I do have insecurities because I have spent the last few years of college alone in some respects. On the bright side, I did learn a lot about myself. I found that, and maybe some of you can relate to this, is that I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY. I am way to hard on myself, I have high expectations, etc. I read someone's post about becoming disgusted with people that you thought you would hit it off with. I have had that same experience multiple times...but what I have realized is that it's not that I do not necessarily hate is just that my values and morals do not align with theirs, thus I have resentment for them because they live their lives in such a "carefree" way, while I am trying to do everything by the book. Once, I looked at the situation objectively, I realized that not everyone is the same by social conditioning but we ARE ALL EQUAL in the eyes of God (and no I am not a religious person). I feel that people who feel depressed, like I do from time to time, are actually just more self-aware of their environment and most likely wish the standard of society would rise. I think everyone on this site is extremely insightful and has good intentions. Keep following those good intentions, if you think positive and try to stay away from people who do not align with you or what you like, you will begin attracting people who do align with you. Oddly, enough, we have all attracted each other to this site, and most likely have found it to be beneficial in some way or another.

    I would also like to state that going on anti-depresents can be helpful for some but for me personally, I felt like a zombie. Medications are chemicals, and sometimes our bodies take them and scream WTF is this? I find that what helps me is reading books (my favorite author Dr. Wayde Dyer) about connecting with God or some higher spirit and it honestly makes me feel enlightened. I used to think that all of that spiritual new-age stuff shit? It's not, because we all have an innate feeling in us that their is something more, and that depression we feel is because we see all of the negativity around us and we are fearful of it. I learned to detach from my ego, literally. When I say detach, I mean watch your thoughts. Are they worriesome, degrading, judgemental? Mine typically are, and then I detach and realize that it is really unecessary to be thinking such harmful things. We all want to be happy, and we all have different paths, we just have to stop comparing ourselves to other people. I can guarantee that when you go out in public and think you look like an asshole, you probably look great in some people's eyes, and some people probably envy you. The only person that needs to give you validation is you and that higher spirit that is always there for us. It's a miracle really, if you think about it, that we are all here and alive. :) Cheers to everyone!

  • Helpful Guy Who Has Friends

    I'm a 12 year old with friends, and I was looking for something else when I came across this page. I feel like sharing some advice now, though.

    First of all, start having conversations with people, or jumping into others.

    This = people knowing you

    People knowing you = friends

    Friends = more people find out about you

    More people finding out about you = more friends

    More friends = possibly attract attention of the "popular group"

    Attracting attention of popular group = girls will like you. ALOT.

    girls liking you = girlfriend

    girlfriend = marriage

    marriage = your life is completed.

    THE END :)

  • forever lonely

    So glad i found this forum to realise im not the only 20 year old female who doesnt feel normal.

    Im from the UK and im guessing a lot of you on here are from the US? I started university last september and was excited to meet new people as they say you make friends for life at college/uni. Usually new university students either meet new people in halls/dorms and then go on to live with them the next year because lucky for them they are perfect matches and great housemates. I thought this would happen for me too because thats what happens to everyone when the first start university, they are put together with new people to live in the first year of study and then they go on to become really great friends/housemates and move in together the next year. However this has not happened for me and its really upsetting because it has happened for everyone else i have met at this university and so they all already have their housemates. As my university is a small art and design one, there was not much university accomodation available and i did not get a place in halls/dorms so had to find my own private accomodation. I found a lovely house where the landlady rents out bedrooms because it is her famlily house. I thought i would be getting a nice friendly out-going housemate(s) who i would go on to become really good friends with and be able to hang out with, get ready together to go out with, and be like my best friend at uni. Unfortunately this wasnt the case, even though she is nice and friendly towards me we have nothing in common really and she stays in her room all the time and plays computer games etc so this has made me want to just stay in my room aswell. Everyone in my class at uni has great housemates, and not just one, and they are able to go out and have fun with them and they are really close friends now. This has made me feel a bit depressed as i never have any luck in social situations, all i want is one friend who sticks by me and has the same personality as me, like a sister who i can go out with and be myself around without worrying about them ditching me when they find someone else who is 'louder', 'funnier', more 'popular'.

    All my friends back home have their own lives but i do still see them, though not as much due to my workload i feel bad about going out. I also have no experience with males, i still havnt had my first boyfriend and i think its because i find it hard to be myself and never have any interesting conversation. My mind just goes blank and i feel like a total idiot. I just dont understand why i never have anything to say, everything i say feels boring and forced, where as everyone elses conversations feel natural and they always have interesting things to say.

    I just really cant stop thinking about how i havent got a group of university friends to hang out with, joke with, go out with, and who like me and want to spend time with me, but EVERYONE else i know at this university has a group! i feel like an outsider whenever i do feel confident enough to go out with them, and so i just sit there all quiet and boring as usual.

    I need something to change in my life, i need to come out of my shell and become more confident about talking to people and i need to meet a group of people who will be my friends for life, even if it is only a couple. I have so much else on my mind that i could write about but i have moaned enough about how miserable i feel.

  • LongYouLiveAndHighYouFly

    okay so whoever is reading this is probably here for the same reason..we basically just gotta talk to someone..just add my freakin email or somebody elses in this forum

    say whatever you like..say a joke, send a youtube video..girl/guy it doesnt even matter..pretend you know me but as long as you let me know you exist...haha...i need something to distract me from school work. if you like art or videogames that is a bonus!!...

    p.s. "You got to crawl before you walk."

  • Anonymous-69

    I have another suggestion: We have a community support site with many forums, including one for anxiety disorders and other related issues. It can be found at:

    Its anonymous, free to join and there are wonderful members there.

    Why not join the discussion?

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Someguy!!

    Here I am not able to sleep, reading your hopeless comments on the Internet after coming across this site. Everybody or most of the ppl are in the same boat as you. Do you think that all those ppl that are rich, loved and admired, the ppl who see on TV or invited to parties, are really happy? They are not!! Believe me!! Most of them are very lonely, trying to fake a smile and put on a show to impress to be friends with everybody. Most abuse of drugs, alcohol and sex (girls) to mask their deeper problems. What good is it be friends if they really like you for your money and your popularity.

    You guys are clearly going through life without any friendships. That is a very good thing in this world as you learn to become independent. Aim your head up high and stop feeling sorry for yourselves. Find your interests, go to the library and learn a thing or two about the planets or history. I bet you will meet plenty of ppl even a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. Ride a bike, walk, go shopping. Go find a person who is trained to listen to you, a social worker, a academic advisor, etc.

    I too am stuck in a rut for a couple of months now. Just graduated with honors and I am unable to get that job I studied for. I have a part-time job though which somehow prevents from losing it. However, I get intoxicated from fumes which emanate from broken pipes on the ceilings. Also, I live with my parents too and never really got to the point of getting a gf, nor did I ever owe a car for that matter.

    My high school was terrible. I did the best to avoid a lot of ppl. Too much violence, drugs and a bunch of fights.

    I too suffer from extreme shyness. I believe I have social anxiety disorder. Most ppl I met and became friends with suffered with a myriad of problems which I let go or simply they let go of me. The fighting and emotional scarring you get from these ppl is not worth it. And believe me, this is for the better as these ppl are filled with negative energy that drains you emotionally. Many betrayed me, lied to me, used my generosity, rejected me at time of need and tried to dominate me by using agression. They even stole away many ppl I knew, putting words in their mouths about me. You can never confret them as they would always be right. In the end, I became a very negative person according to them while I just became a very angry individual filled with thoughts of getting back at them. Was it worth it?

    Me neither, now, I don't have many friends. In fact, what I have is a bunch of social degenerates I talk to once every month. I started by letting go of these ppl, one by one. So lately, I have been very lonely myself.

    It's easy to sit there and feel sorry for yourselves, but it's better if you think positively that things will change and if they don't at least you got your health, you don't starve and have a family that loves you no matter if they don't show it. I feel you as I am going through a tough time myself right now, but when I'm down I try to keep myself busy somehow by listening to music, reading and going to coffee shops or librairies discussing with ppl.

  • uhhhhhh

    i just got out of a 3 year relationship, he was my best friend, he was my everything. He was my only friend, he has moved on and it hurts me so bad :(. I am a nice, easy going person.. I am not much of a partier.. but i would kill to have someone to hang out with, talk to, to have by my side. I feel so empty and lost :(

  • Brittany

    Girls! From all of these years of self loathing and social anxiety, I think I learned something. Wana know the difference between you and those other 20 year old girls who exude happiness through their pores? The ones that have awesome pictures of all of their clever adventures with their group of girls who seem so equally blissful? Absolutely nothing! They're just like you. They have their insecurities, their problems, their obsessions. In fact, they are probably feeling just as depressed and lost as you do. So maybe if you approached others like the equal THAT THEY ARE then there's a good chance they're guna think you're awesome. The key to happiness is definitely social connection, so i think you should take some charge, maybe read some self help books to get you going and excited for life. OH! thats another thing. people like people who are focused on things they love. and you'll love yourself for doing it! so listen to what your soul's telling you. What are you naturally good at and feel awesome for doing it? Get into yourself! Hope that helps

  • Jana

    I'm so depressed lately. I am 23 and have no friends. When I started university I really wanted to make new friends because I didn't have a good experience in highschool. Instead, I ended up falling in love and going out with one of the few people I met and it has been 2 years. I think this was a mistake because I didn't get a chance to set up any roots or friends to rely on when things went south. I feel a lot of silent pressure from him because he is so social and he thinks that I have nothing to do at home. I am a big contrast from him as I stay home most of the time. And its true.. I don't have many people to talk to or anything to do really. He seems to have mastered making friends and has so many around him. What can I do? Most normal girls in university seem to have their

  • Ash

    I dont even know where to began,Im 23 yrs old,I have one child who is three and a boyfriend with whom i've been with for 6 yrs now.I am currently living in a shelter now and that alone just put the icing on the cake.I feel like i've completely hit rock bottom.Since 2nd grade to 8th grade I've been bullied.From the result of that my favorite place(or only place to eat school lunch was in the library away from everyone.Thats where I feel like my personality developed and stopped as far as being social,i dont even know if that makes since or not.As of now I feel so empty and lifeless i dont even know who I am.I feel as though Im in a hard place to get out of ,I feel like im in a situation that could've been prevented only if i would've loved myself a little more(Being with my boyfriend i 6 yrs)I feel like ive settled because Im not worth having a man go the distance for me and my son.I'm starting theapy and i feel like its going to slow for me and to be honest i felt like jus ending everything....I feel like my son dosnt deserve to have a mom like me.a mom who is always down because of oe thing or another I simply need help.Im trying so hard to get out of this hole,I wanna love and be loved and appreciated and needed,Dont get me wrong,i love my son to death but it is hard everyday to jus put thats forth to him,I have no one here ,no friends,no family,i dont know what to do with myself,i try to keep myself busy but it ends eventually and that jus leaves me here to sit and think and regret and just be plain angry and downright depressed.I feel like a complete and utter failure to myself and my son.I need to be saved from myself.....

  • Dr. Allan N. Schwartz

    Hello Ash,

    Please join our Online Community. It is free and you remain anonymous. You will find lots of friends there who are in the same situation as you or were in the past. They will be supportive and will have some advice about how to help yourself.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • David

    I woke up this morning and could not sleep so I wandered onto this site, maybe I can find the lift I need. I've been stuck in a rut for the past couple of years. I graduated high school in 2003 and I kind of just took an easy life working part time and taking classes at a community college. Then in 2008 I met a girl at work who changed my life forever, she was the first girl I truly loved and we dated for a couple of years. After awhile, she began to become distant and became very sensitive if I did or said something wrong, till one day she broke up with me over the phone and treated me horribly. It's 2012 and I still have regret, I still ask myself would things have been different if I did things differently. I don't have many friends, I try to hang out with them but my closest friends dont go out much and I never get invited to parties. Any female friends I have are either married, dating someone or if they are single, they don't spend time with me outside of class. I'm an honor student now at my university and will graduate in the fall this year but I feel like everything and everyone has passed me by. I have yet to find a new girlfriend and I feel that if I had someone new to love in my life, that I'd be complete because that's really all that is missing. However, I feel lonely and anxious because I don't know where my life is going and I don't know where my ex is and where her life has taken her. I'm a handsome guy, sweet and hardworking and I've joined a few clubs at school but still haven't had much of a social boost. I don't understand why I'm always so alone and it's so easy for others.... Sometimes I wish I had my old life back, even though that would mean losing all my academic success. I need help...

  • Tasmia

    I am a 21 year old form Toronto, Ontario. I am in my 3rd year of college now.

    I feel very lonely at times, infact most of the time because I have no best friend. not even one. I have friends here and there from my classes, but they are not the ones I can always rely on. I have two guy friends, but I cant always share everything as I would with a girl friend. I cant really connect with them as much as I expect. Since my bad experience from middle school to the last year of highschool, I didnt have real genuine girl friends., the few that i had were pretty much fake ones. at middle school, girls used to bullying me for being chubby and pimply face with braces. Therefore, I had a low-self esteem which affected me alot, making me think that I was good for nothing.

    From highschool, it took some time to gain back my confidence. I started taking care of myself in terms of my health. It made me feel better when I started to believe I can look good. Things got a little better when I made some friends. However, problems didnt stop then, it just grew stronger. Girls were jealous about me since I attracted the attention of alot of guys at my highschool. Girls would talk behind my back, even the few girl friends i had. At times, they would just be using me without my awareness and just leave me behind when they are done. Due to these issues, I stayed away from girls, and made more guy friends, they were much cooler and better to hang out with. They appreciated the fact that I was a sweet and simple girl, good at heart, not like the other typical drama queens. I was able to make good guy friends who admired respected me alot and always helped me out with just about anything from studies to moral support when i was down.

    Now that I am in college for past 2.5 years..i made some good female friends who are nice and mature. However, I cant really connect with them so much to the point where I can share things about my personal life and feelings.

    Although I have two guy friends who are really sweet and caring, its not the same as sharing personal stuffs as I would with a female friend. Now that I have grown up, I am always looking for that one female friend. I really miss the company of a female friend who can understand me, understand my feelings. The one who I can always rely on anytime of the day when I need her. The one I can go crazy things with , have sleepovers, go shopping, go to the parlor,gym,movies together. Have deep conversations just about anything. I really miss all that. I really need one or two female friends who I can share everything with. At the same time, I am a really caring person, I want to do everything for that friend of mine as well. I want to share my joy and sorrows..

    In search of more female friends. I hope i can be successful in this...

  • Anonymous-70

    Hey I'm 20 years old and about to come to the end of my second year in college. It made me feel a bit better to come across this site and see there are actually other people in my situation. I basically have the same story as most other people here. Had a few friends in high school. I was cool with a couple people and the rest of their group pretty much just tolerated me being around cuz of them. But even with my friends, I never felt completely comfortable and free to act myself, I can't remember the last time I felt that way. After graduation those friends left, and I was alone again. There were still a few people I knew that I occasionally hung out with, but they've all gone off as well. Now I'm just feeling lost. I walk around campus everyday and see everyone with their friends and it acts as a constant reminder that I'm alone. It's gotten me so down that I can barely concentrate on school which sucks because I know I'm capable of so much more if I could just get my head straight. Anyways, sorry for the length, and thanks for reading.

  • Shy introverted girl

    Same issue as everyone else here.. Just finished my sophomore year in college and haven't made any friends yet. I commute which probably doesnt help. Unfortunately I began dating early on in highschool and lost all my friends because of it. Now my boyfriend is my only friend and it kills me that I've become so dependent on him (especially because it's not mutual..he has a bunch of friends that he's known most of his life).

    I hate that I'm part of the Facebook generation where everyone is posting who they're with and where they're going and how happy they are with their life. I just really wish I could make a few close friends.

  • Anonymous-71

    I've read a lot of these comments and am in the same boat...I have had friends in the past that I was close to, but as the years have gone on( I am 18 turning 19 soon) we have grown very far apart. During high school especially it was hard for me to feel comfortable talking to new people and even holding conversations with the friends I once was so close to. I felt like I wasn't interesting enough for many reasons. I do not drink, smoke, or party, basically what most people my age enjoy I do not. I have always been a very shy person but have been in search for that one friend that truely understood me. I am starting college in Jan. but due to my shyness and social anxiety I will probably take online classes in fear that I will not be able to convinvce myself to go. I wish somehow that my "best friend" I've always dreamed of would turn up, but since I do not have any ideas on how to find them I doubt it will happen. Maybe some day we will all find the friend we are looking for. I will keep all of you in my prayers and be at least a little less lonely knowing that so many of you understand how I feel.

  • Katharina

    Hey, I've read all your comments and I do understand you well. I have had the same problems a few years ago which is weird indeed because I used to be very open as a child. Back then I'd talked to everybody (even strangers) about everything that crossed my mind. When school started I changed all of a sudden. I became quiet and avoided unnecessary contact with my classmates.

    However, I try my best. I'd never give up since I watched some videoclips my grandpa made during my childhood. Now I can laugh and smile again for good.

    If you don't mind me living really far away (I am from Germany) you could send me an e-mail. Even if we can't go out, we could still share our experiences and thoughts. I promise I'll reply for sure =)

  • abeale

    20 year old female with depression and anxiety! - Need friends maybe someone with the same things to speak too?

  • Anonymous-72

    Hi, I am currently in the 3rd year of my studies at university. I started uni in 2012, hoping to have a great time, meet new people and create friendships to last a long time. My high school years were excellent! I really loved it, I had a strong group of friends who were very close. After joining Uni, I am still in contact with them but the bond has fizzled out. My best friend also goes to the same uni as me and I thought this was the best news ever, we could go out to events together. During freshers, however I wasnt allowed to go out (my parents are conservative). As these last fews years have gone by, my best friend has made a large group of friends from her course and I have made none. Being quite a shy person, I found it difficult to make a connection with any people on my course. I feel when some of my course mates talk to me, they do it out of sympathy. My confidence has reached rock bottom and I dont have much self esteem. I have tried joining societies, but going to events by myself lowers my confidence. Ive tried volunteering and even though I get on with people there, we dont hang out together. I feel like I know a lot of people, I just dont haqve friends. I just feel so isolated!! I dont even like meeting up with my best friend anymore, because I feel embarassed that I dont have a social life. I know I am lucky to have a good family, studies etc but I cant help feeling this way. Anyway thanks for listening.

  • Jannette

    As a Mom my heart breaks just reading this. I came to this site looking for answers for my son who is 21, still living at home, and struggling socially as well. He too has no true friends, and is very lonely. Where as parents did we go wrong? How, as a Mother can I make it right with my sons world? I'm so sorry to hear that there are so many struggling with these issues. I cry myself to sleep and I cry upon awakening thinking how can I help my child? When he hurts I hurt! It's so easy to say get out there, join clubs, join this join that but when you factor in mental health issues, it changes everything. It's not so easy to pick yourself up and go out into the world trying to find someone to share things with. Life is not easy, making friends is not easy, but somehow we must pick ourselves up, shrug off the worry and anxiety, and get out there in the world to find people with the same interests and likes. But how do we do that? Why do people have to be so mean and petty with their words? Why is it so darn hard to find and keep friends? Where do you find friends??? What are we doing wrong?

  • Anonymous-73

    My son is 24 and lives at home. He tries to go to technical college but struggles. His middle school and high school years were a disaster. He cries often and says he hates himself and his life. He has gotten overweight and is a total mess. I have no idea how to help him. If anyone has any advise please give it. How can a 24 year old meet friends? He has none.

  • Nadim

    My son is 20 years old suffers from depression, social anxiety since the age of 14 . like Jannet son he struggled Through college and hasn't been going for the last two years ,I am desperate to find him help . it may sound strange but i m seeking a companion prefrably same age to spent time with him and perhaps try to getting him out of the house socialising . or a young professional psychiatrist student willing to spent time with him .

    I am so helpless for him as his dad that i don't mind paying that person for doing so .

    If there someone out there who lives in London willing to help please get in touch... Thank you


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