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He Says I'm Ignorant , Being A Moron

Question:

Me and my boyfriend live together and have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. We now have a 4 month old child.

The beginning of our relationship was great during the first year. Then, it got really bad for quite sometime with lots of arguing and fighting. During this period I almost left a couple times. I even gave up multiple dream jobs because he said if I really loved him I wouldn’t move away. So, I didn’t move and then got pregnant.

Since then there has been less arguing but it still occurs, at least once a week. I feel like he’s constantly contradicting himself. When he is mad, he says that he is lying to me because he “pretends” to be happy. Then, when he is happy again he says he is lying and doesn’t mean the things he said when he was mad. When he’s mad he says it,s because he wants me to be less ignorant. He says that I’m a moron, his bitch, worthless, just another piece of shit in this world. He says that I don’t do anything and even puts me down for how I look. He says that I wear glasses because I’m a moron and that I can’t think for myself.

I just started working again 2 weeks ago. It’s my first job since having the baby. He has to watch her 2 nights a week and on weekends. I always ask how the night went. He is tired but says it really wasn’t that bad.

Today he blew up because he said I don’t have any intuition and I am being ignorant for not knowing that he is exhausted from our daughter and that I need to change my work schedule.

I know he is tired but I assumed everything was okay because he wasn’t complaining nor did he say anything about it before.

During the argument he raised his hand and said he wanted to hit me, but didn’t do it. He hasn’t ever hit me, just raised his hand or said he wanted to. He said that he doesn’t want to break up with me, but I’m making him feel that he wants to break up with me.

When he is not angry I am completely in love with that person. He is a big sweetheart, does so much for me and my daughter, is emotionally very loving, giving, and happy. Then he gets set off, and I am to blame.

I do not want our daughter to be raised thinking that its okay for a woman to be undermined. I am writing this to you because I am extremely confused. Am I possibly being ignorant and not having intuition? I mean this right here shows I am not thinking for myself by writing you. Am I being unfair for asking him to watch our daughter while I go to work? He does work hard labor 40 hours a week. I want to stay because it always does get better. he is a good dad, but part of me is so confused and maybe I’m the one who needs to change.

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Answer:

It is a curious phenomenon that those women who are abused by their men, believe that it is their fault. In actuality, there is no excuse for abuse, verbal or otherwise. That is not to suggest that couples never argue. However, there is a world of difference between an occasional disagreement and even an argument versus downright abusive behavior. Simply put, your partner and father of your child, is abusive towards you, whether he has actually hit you or not. In fact, his raising his hands to you in a threatening way, does not bode well for the future. I hope I am wrong but his behavior increases the danger that he could hit you some time in the future.

I have no way of knowing or understanding what may be motivating his behavior. Understanding the what is driving him does not forgive his actions during these tirades. Perhaps he is suffering from depression or extreme stress. Perhaps he was verbally abused while he was growing up or witnessed his parents being violent with each other.  Perhaps he is drinking before he comes home or using other drugs you know nothing about. It seems to me, that whatever is behind his actions, he would benefit from psychotherapy. His calling you names, putting you down and blaming you for everything, is not a way to solve problems.

I also agree with you that this is damaging to your daughter, both as a female and as a human being. There are lots of people who work at hard labor. I have known many of them and I can report to you that they do not behave this way towards their wives and families.

Ultimately, if he does nothing to change his ways, it may become necessary for you to gather your child and move away. As a mom, you have an obligation to protect your daughter and, of course, yourself.

No, you are not a “moron” nor are you deserving of his abusive behavior.

Good luck.

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    Before my husband I never understood why women would stay in abusive relationship..till it happened to me.

    my husband is bipolar and when unmedicated he is abusive (verbal)..> when he does not want me to be happy, when he does not get what he wants, or when I wanted to discuss the marriage. There would always be some changes in his behavior (that he changed for the better)

    He knows what he is doing (later he remembers, but he is so ashamed of taking the blame)

    I think why some women feel it is their fault of the abuse/boyfriend or husband is mad is because of the manupilation the men use. (or wives)

    My husband used to blame in such a subtle way that it just seemed to be my fault.. he just waited for the opportunity that the problem would seem that I caused it. Further, it just seemed so surreal ....

    Finally a few months ago I found proof that he contacted his ex girlfriend, he ran after her, she does not love him. (it is just such a big joke) He made a big mistake and he cannot bring it up to say he made a mistake and tried to everything to shift blame on me.. I did not accept it.

    his behavior of shifting the blame just reminded me of when I was 5 and trying to shift the blame on someone else.

    Now that he left, I have re-evaluated it all and I do understand women/men how it is sometimes hard to leave or understand that it is abuse. I am quite sure that most people would leave faster when the abuse is more visible (with beating, knives and so on)...at 25 years old when reading all he bipolar websites.. I know I am not alone.

    I guess it will be only some time that he will crash and will get help.... I am quite certain that when he crashes and see that he lost it all (some things again) he will get help or say goodbye to the world.. I hope he will have the strenght to get help...

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