I Think My Husband Hates Me


I’ve been with my husband for 9 years and we have been married for three and 1/2 years. We have three children together and, he helped me raise my 10 year old daughter since we started our relationship.

We had a rocky relationship from the beginning and, sometimes, I feel like we started in the middle, worked our way to the beginning and our now at the end. I know he always loved me and he is a very affectionate person. However, he loves me in the only way he knows how to love someone and that is to hurt in order to comfort.


I am struggling with the thought that he is and always will be an unhappy person, that he is someone who always looks for the bad, the wrong and something to bitch about. That always leaves me on the chopping block.

Before I go any further, I should tell you that my husband is an alcoholic and has struggled with one dependency after another, but, alcohol has always been a comfort in his life.

Therapists are Standing By to Treat Your Depression, Anxiety or Other Mental Health Needs

Explore Your Options Today


Lately, he started to turn into a very mean-spirited person. He picks on anything and everything that crosses his path. He tells me how he is going to divorce me and leave me with nothing and that no one will ever want me after him. He makes really mean comments about my weight in a really mean way. say mean. It doesn’t stop there and I am just overwhelmed that “I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t”.

No matter what I do, once he starts drinking, every little thing from the past surfaces.  He bombards me with one thing after another until I feel like he has broken me down.

Sometimes it takes a little longer before it does get to me. Then, I end up praying that it will just stop, not only for my sake but for our children, as well.

Even though I don’t believe the horrible things he tells me, I am I still hurt. I know that if my marriage dissolves I will be forever devastated but I am still an attractive and young woman and no, matter what he tells me, I know I am destined to be loved back by a man. I am just praying that my husband can be strong enough to get the help he needs and hopefully these wounds that he has afflicted on me can heal through time and therapy.

What I need to know is where to start and how to get there with him? Do I start therapy on my own or do I beg him to stop drinking and wait for him to be ready?

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.

As with all addictions, whether its to alcohol or any other substance, the primary relationship is to the substance. Its the alcohol and drugs that he loves. You and your children come in a distant fourth or fifth, if at all. That means that all the begging in the world will not help. Your husband will not stop drinking and using drugs until if he is ready to and that day may never come.

It is difficult to understand your loyalty to a man who is incredibly abusive. He seems to have no regard for you and demeans you in front of the children. Of course, alcohol drives this type of behavior. That means that, unless you are ready to give him up and protect yourself and you children, all of this will continue.


During the many years of my private practice, in which I worked with many patients in the same situation as yours, it was only separation and divorce that brought peace and the opportunity to build a new life.

I must tell you that many of my patients tried to stay with their spouse in the hope that they would get help and recover. In almost every case, these people had no other recourse than to leave the marriage. These people were motivated to give up on the relationship for many reasons, but, the three most powerful factors were that:

1. The spouse would not change, even when there was some brief respite from the addiction that usually ended up with relapse.

2. There was deep well of resentment over the abuse.

3. The addict secretly spent so much of the family money that little or nothing remained.

I don’t know how many of these three factors fit your circumstances but, from what you wrote, it seems like there is more than one.

You state that you will be “forever devastated” if your marriage dissolves. In my opinion, that will not happen, although you will go through a period of adjustment. I predict, in my opinion, that you will come to feel relief from ending this horrible way of living.

I agree with you when you say that you can find a man who can return the love that you give.

As you say, you are young and attractive. You can build a new life for yourself and your chid ren.

Best of Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

Myndfulness App

Designed to Help You Feel Better Daily

Myndfuless App Rating

Download Now For Free

Learn More >