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Seeing A Married Man

Question:

I have been seeing a married man for a year, we have discussed his leaving his wife, he wants to he says, but loves his 2 children too much to leave. I have been faithful to him the whole year, ignoring friends invites, staying around the house more and pretty much waiting on him, I have decided not to do this any longer and I have realized what a horrible thing I have been doing. I love him very much, but lately he has noticed a change in me and is accusing me of being with other men-example: I have a lawyer. My boyfriend asked to see a reciept where I have paid the lawyer. He made the comment that I was “spreading my legs for my attorney’s services”. This cut me to the core – how could he take something emotinal and intimate that we share to show our love and make it something ugly? How could he think that I would give myself to any one like that, let alone for services. This made me feel like a cheap whore, I am supposed to talk to him about this tonight, I told him I no longer wanted to see him, that he wasn’t worth waiting for if he thought so low of me. Please help me choose the right words to stay firm in my decision, when I see him I just melt.

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Answer:

You’re all worried about whether or not this married man respects you, when it is perfectly clear to anyone who has been around the block a time or two that he doesn’t. In fact it is fairly clear that he not only doesn’t respect you, but that he doesn’t respect his family either. If he did, he wouldn’t be running around with you, now would he? After all, married men aren’t supposed to cheat on their wives, are they? It’s called adultry. It’s called cheating. It’s not something that honorable people do.

<

p> The likely case here is that this married man is more or less using you for sex. He tells you he loves you becuase that is the bait you are hungry for and will swallow every time, keeping yourself on his hook whenever he wants you. Since he sees you more as a sex object and not so much as a person he respects, it is easy for him to think of other people viewing you the same way, hence his nasty comments towards you regarding the lawyer.

<

p> My advice to you is to grow up a little and recognize how you are being played, and also how what you are doing will likely hurt not only yourself, but the other people involved, including this man’s wife and children, both of whom have feelings that can be hurt just like you do, and whose feelings are rather likely to be crushed and altered for life if they find out what has been happening. In your rush to satisfy your need to be loved (a perfectly human motive we can all relate to), you have settled instead for someone who is merely using you. You have also put the emotional lives of two innocent children and a similarly innocent wife at risk. While it is true that this guy will likely cheat with someone else if he doesn’t have access to you, at least if he is cheating with someone else, the pain of the family when they find out (and they will find out) will not have occured while on your watch.

<

p> Please do the right thing here. Walk away from this bum and don’t accept his calls anymore. Don’t let him near you anymore. Instead, work towards finding someone single with whom you can share a real and authentic love. You are worth at least that much. Good luck.

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Comments
  • Also been there

    just don't see him.

    He is using your pride to manipulate you. You feel you "need" to say your piece to him, that you need to MAKE him understand he is wrong to think of you this way. He doesn't think of you one way or another. He does however know that if he sees you, there will be a fight and there will be sex. If he starts to storm off, you will chase him to make him understand, then there will be "please don't go sex". If he accepts your point then you and he will "make love" to show he is repentent. Either way, he gets laid. Chances are he is smart enough to keep you guessing and keep it emotionally charged. This up and down emotional game is foreplay. It cuts to the chase, and gets you into bed.

    Stop turning down other peoples' invitations, see other people, friends or boyfriends JUST GO. Stop considering married men.

    I don't judge you, I loved one for 6 years. I never thought he would leave her. He never said he would. When he started to make excuses or tell me about her I would change the subject or give him a look to make clear I did not want to hear about it.

    I was emotionally and sexually abused as a child and so I was vulnerable to ongoing abuse. Meanwhile I took the "freedom" offered by his absence and I went to university in the evenings after work. I worked and saved and bought my own home, and got a degree. I did volunteer work and built quite a bit of good in the world.

    He was my "dirty secret" he gave me the abuse I needed the same as a person who "cuts" needs to feel pain. I dreamt often as I fell asleep at night of the wonderful life he and I could have, but I couldn't fantasize for long... the details never worked. If he had left her for me, even without telling them why, his family would have figured it out and treated me like a whore. His friends and the wives of his friends would never have accepted me. He is prominent in the community and I would have been a laughingstock. There is no happy ending. Couldn't happen.

    But now, after having accomplished things for myself I can see that the mother, who created the cycle of abuse, was wrong. She spent my life telling me I was incapable of anything and she was wrong. I can see that when she regularly "gave" me to a man she knew was a pedophile from the age of 3 onward, that she was trying to hurt me permanently so that she could be the martyr mother who cared for the damaged child. But she didn't get the satisfaction. I managed to heal myself and although I still do crave the love of people who reject me, people who do not feel love for me, at least now I consider them too much trouble to act on the craving. I have too much good in my life to waste time on abusive men. Unrequited love is a tiresome drug. The fix is hard to find ) and expensive.

    You know the song? "I haven't got time for the pain"

    Good luck to you "Anne", from someone who has been there, and who knows, just knows with all her soul, that you are worth loving too. Now you need to learn it for yourself.

    Don't bother seeing him to tell him you are not a whore. Just stop seeing him so that you don't feel like one anymore.

  • Whoever

    I am sorry, Anne...I don`t know who you are or who you think you are but judging from your answers you don`t seem too happy. How many times did your husband cheat on you? And how can you assume so easily that the wife is innocent? You are cynical and shallow.

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