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What Should I Do With My 19 Year-Old Daughter's Anger Issue?

Question:

My 19 year old daughter has very disturbing temper tantrums and they are getting worse. She screams and cusses and blames everyone for her mistakes. She lives at home with us and everyone walks on “pins and needles” in hopes that she doesn’t have an outburst. If one thing doesn’t go her way she starts one of her tantrums.

I dread getting her phone calls in fear that shes having a trantrum and It disrupts my whole day. Im at a loss on what I need to do. Where should I call first in hopes of her becoming a happy nineteen year old? She also dropped out of college and quit her job 3 months ago. She has tried a few times to go out and put some job applications out but the least little thing will set her off and she won’t go.

Sometimes, these tantrums go on for as long as an hour. As much as I do for her, she is real “mouthy” to me.

I have had enough. I’m scared that one day one of these tantrums will cause her to do something she will regret. What should I do?

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Answer:

It is understandle that you are at the end of your patience with your daughter. If anything, I wonder why it has taken you so long to get there? What I am implying is that your daughter seems to have been allowed to behave in ways that are outrageous and without suffering any consequences. What do I mean by consequences?

What I mean by consequences is that, at age 19, your daughter is now an adult. As such, you are no longer obligated to allow her to live under your roof. Now, I know how difficult it is for a Mom to read this. As parents, we love our children and want to protect them. However, she is now past the point where she needs protecting. Rather, she needs to learn that, in the real world, where there are hard consequences for our actions, we pay dearly for our insulting and dysfunctional behaviors. She is old enough to learn that she can no longer behave this way.

Try to stand back from your situation, if you can, and think about the fact that she has:

1. Dropped out of College,

2. Quit or gotten fired from jobs,

3. Is living at her parents’ house without paying rent or contributing to keeping her bed and board,

4. Throws unexcusable temper tantrums,

5. Has everyone in the house intimidated by her actions,

6. And, is insulting to her mother who continues to allow this behavior.

Here are some suggestions that, in my opinion, make a lot of sense:

1. You and your husband set a deadline for her to move out of the house. That deadline needs to be very soon. I would suggest two weeks.

2. If she throws a temper tantrum when you announce this, call 911 or call the police, let them know how she is behaving and have her put out.

3. In the service of being fair, if she does not throw a temper tantrum, let her know that she can stay only under some very strict rules of conduct. Among these rules are that: A. The temper tantrums cease, B. She get a job and start paying rent, the amount of which you are to decide, C. She is to stop the “mouthyness” towards you and other members of the family. D. If she has a complaint about anything, she is to talk about it in normal and respectful ways.

Mom, it is not your job to make her into a “happy nineteen year-old person.” That is her job. It is your job to enforce correct and respectful behavior in your house. If she cannot do that, then, she must move out or be put out against her will.

There are parenting support groups that can help you with this and even ALANON might be helpful. ALANON is for people who live with alcoholics. You can benefit because you are “enabling” or making it easy for you daughter to continue to act this way. Either call information for ALANON, or look them up on the Internet and find out where the meetings are in your neighborhood. Who knows, perhaps your daughter is drinking or using drugs?

By the way, there is also the psychotherapy route for you and your family. That is always a good idea.

Mom, take control of your home and your life.

Best of Luck

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    i to am going through the same with my son,,ime a single parent and a good one at that..it was good to read ime not alone...i know exactly wot this lady is going through..i love my son,but dislike him sometimes,which i feel ashamed to say..we are good parents..tha advice is good..toygh love is required..i couldnt kick my son out..but have stopped doing so much..good luck to the lady in question..igo through the same as you dailky.xxxx

  • Lee

    I am going through the same thing. My 19yr old dd is angry, rude and verbally abusive. My biggest wish is that my dh was on board with me about consequences. I think that because he basically raised himself after his parents divorced, his dad moved away and his mom was too ill to take care of him, that he doesn't understand the responsibilities of parenting. He always did as he was told and as he should, so he never had parental consequences being imposed upon him to improve his behavior. So, he thinks our dd should do as she's told and do as she should and that consequences aren't necessary to change her behavior. When I try to impose order or mete out a consequence, he counters it as unfair and reinterates that she should do what she's suppose to do and I don't need to treat her badly or be unfair to her. So I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells and treading stormy water. So much more I could tell, c'est la vie. . .

  • margaret

    I can really empathize with all of you, we went through the same thing a few years ago. PUT THESE YOUNG ADULTS OUT. After 2 years of living with tantrums, thefts, bullying, refusal to go to school, and refusal to get a job we put our just turned 18 year old out. We gave him the choice to be responsible and respectful or move. He must have thought we wouldn't stick to our guns but we did. It was difficult (we had to call the police) but our lives are ours again. It is so nice to live in peace again. Our marriage and emotional and physical health has improved and while we are sad to see our son make these bad choices, we have no regrets. His siblings are also relieved and stay at home more now.
    Our son has continued hus behavior and has gotton kicked out of everywhere he has lived, still can not keep a job and yes still has tantrums, but we are no longer his victims. We actually have a better relationship with him now that he is not living with us. We hope he gets help and we have offered to pay for counseling, but that's it. Get your sanity back and set the right example, maybe they will learn maybe not, get on with your life. It is hard at first, but you are really not being bad parents by putting disrespectful and abusive adult children out of your home.

  • Anonymous-2

    I'm going through the same thing. My 18 year old son is verbally abusive and I can see the aggression getting worse.

    I am going to speak to him tomorrow and tell him he has to leave. He pays no rent, he's not at college, he's not working...he has to now stand on his own two feet.

    I love him dearly but I cant put up with this anymore.

  • yvonne

    My daughter is now 23years, I had problems with her since teenager. I was a single mom, since she was 3 years old, mother of 3, father never supported or showed interest since divorced 20 years ago. I was the only provider. Father was very abusive ( mentally and physically). Since age of 14 I see the same behaviour ( Abuse ) in my daugther towards me, if she could she will abuse me physically aswell, but at the moment it is mentally. She is living under my roof, got a 4 year old sun. Lost a few jobs because of attitude., wants everything her way, and I am not allowed to say anything or no, otherwise I am the worst mother on earth, and she say things to me, that I will not think of saying to my worst enemy. I cannot sleep at night thinking about this, it pulling me appart, very hurt by the words, coming out of her mouth. She cannot wait for me to reprimand her about something she did wrong, to attack me. It is like she is seeking for conflict. Please I want help, what can I do, who can I go see. I feel she must get out of my house. How can I stop this. I am so use to crying, and not sleeping. I have to work, are a sales rep and see customers everyday.Cannot cope, and feel like giving up. tried everything.

  • Tough love mother

    I like you other mothers also have a teenager son. He'll be 19 in May. He's had behavior issue for 12 long years, with every year getting worse and worse. There's nothing I haven't done to help him, i.e. moving to a better neighborhood, therapy, medication, talking, crying, praying.. you name it. I finally thought things were changing when he enrolled in and went off to college in the Fall 09. However, he failed out... the 1st semester! I couldn't believe. And to make matters worse, he didn't even care. Since being home, he does nothing but lay around my house, is not putting much effort into looking for work, taking a class at our local community college or anything constructive. While I cry, get anger and have sleepless night trying to figure out how to "save him from himself", he eats all the food and lays around all day. Well I had enough. I stopped cooking and cleaning for him, I gave him a deadline to get a job and I took his keys so he couldn't just come and go at any hour he felt like it. It seemed to like a fire under him or at least I though it had. Until I caught him smoking weed in my house. I was in the other room. Bad enough he would do it in my house but with me right in the other room. That was the last straw! My son, my only child who I love dearly, I told him he had to leave immediately. He stayed with my brother for a little while but was behaving the same way over there. So my brother told him to leave. Now he's with his father, who for the last 12 years has not been a part of his life. I first I felt bad but after all I've been through, let his father finally step up and be a parent. I love my child but no more enabling. I am no longer helping him until he starts to help himself. Maybe the distance between us will make him miss and appreciate all that he had.

  • Anonymous-3

    My daughter is 19yrs old and has been verbally abusive to me since junior high and it has gotten worse through the years. She does not use foul language that much, rather she points out every flaw she feels that I have and uses it against me. I have heard from several of her friends that she talks bad about me, her brother and father and wishes she came from a different family. So far, she has let someone else drive my car and this person crashed it, rolled her own truck, ran away from home twice, got picked up for sleeping on a beach in southern California and got picked up by the police for breaking into a school just to look at her old school work and used to send terrible text messages to me before I cut her phone off. She feels that I have let her down as a parent and I feel she had too much and never appreciated it. She would tell me that I need to accept her as she is and to stop putting my views of the world onto her, so I told her that freedom comes with a price as I opened the front door to watch her walk out of it. She has never returned and is now living in a different town and wants me to pay for it. Because I won't send money to her, she started telling me what a horrible parent I have been and how everyone from her childhood will not be in her future. So sad, because I know that she has some mental illness and needs help. Everytime I offer counseling or to help her see a doctor she throws a fit and tells me she is not crazy, but rather I am. She feels deeply and writes beautiful poems, but mostly they are dark and about sadness. She is bright, intelligent, witty and beautiful on the inside and the outside when she wants to be. I feel terrible that it has come to this because I love her!

  • cindi

    With all the issues on these blogs, my son has gone through much the same experiences. Actually, he is not so abusive to me, but will turn in and leave. He will not talk to me for months. When he did open up, he admitted to having a "mumbled" mind and not being able to focus and understand people sometimes. But his anger at me now stops him from getting any help. And I don't know if he needs professional help, either. How do you know its time for real professional help and not just tough love?

  • Jim

    As a parent, demand your respect!

    I think that a 19 year old that is having temper tantrums might be spoiled rotten. If not, probably emotionally unbalanced.

    I think it is good to make your young adults assume responsibilities as a young adult if they still live with you. Make them pay for their insurance, their gasoline, their car payment etc. etc.

    No free rides, they get off their butts and work or go to college. No freeloading! As long as they are under your roof, you make the rules! You are not legally responsible for feeding and sheltering them since when they turned 18.

    Many kids are emotionally unstable due to having no boundaries in their lives. Impose some rules on them, give their lives some structure if they live under your roof ie: no coming in at 3am! Get them busy with chores around the house. If they rebel, show them the door.

  • H Moore

    After reading these comments I guess what I need to do is kick my son out. He is 18 and for the last 8 months has been so angry all the time. He takes all his anger out on me. He says I did a poor job raising him, but that is far from the truth in my opinion. He had every advantage but chose not to use them. He is taking classes at the community college, but says he can't find a job and that I didn't prepare him for the real world. My heart breaks every night and I am so tired of crying. I spend most of my time ignoring him because I am sick of the fighting. My husband and daughter are sick of it as well. He is so negative to everyone. He claims to have been this way for years but I guess he was a great faker because I didn't see it. He always played baseball (since age 4) made good grades and for the most part was a good kid. I am sick over this.

  • Anonymous-4

    I have a 19 year old who just got put on academic probation. She was telling her step-dad and I she was doing fine the whole time. He gets extremely upset and yells at her - she yells back! I just want to cry even though I know he is right the way he speaks to her concerns me. If I talk to him about it he just tells me I am too soft on her. When I try to help her he says we both failed. She is not trying to do her best in college. How do I help her before it's too late? She needs an education in this world today to be successful!

  • Anonymous-5

    I am going through similar problems. she is extremely self centered and even more disruptive since she moved home after dropping out of school.

    I know I don't have to put up with this but sometimes I feel I am all she has left. She has continued difficulty with relationships. I have taken her for psychosocial counceling and they have explained she is a normal teen. Normal???? I don't think so.

    I did something wrong this week. I snooped on her facebook and found out she was using cocaine. I confronted her and she became so angry she packed her bags and left. I almost hate that my inital reaction was one of relief. Like THANK GOD she is leaving.

    But I know that is not right to feel that way. I did tell her I will allow her to stay on my cellphone plan until october 5 and then she owes me her payment. I have been making her pay for her cell service. I did not charge rent but I feel I should have. She is just so far in debt that I was trying to allow her to catch up on the bill process.

  • Anonymous-6

    i have a beautifull son ive tried to raise him as good as i could ,but from a young age i would never be able to chastise him properly as he would hold his breath and went blue at the mouth so i spent my life tipp toeing round him , he had learning difficulties at school ,no concentrtion span ,and he never got help from school till he was in 3rd year at high school ,so things fustrated him easily .he even had to have his toast stright when i cut it or he went mad! but now hes left school and drop out of tec coz the therory part of catering he could nt mange , he lay at home this past few years no job not slerping well , he has a girlfriend they dont see each other very often as she works and does w ends to .but when he goes out at the weekends and drinks alcohol no man could hold him down he iworse ,bad language very heavy handed brings trouble to my house would acually bite his own hands ,and always thinks hes right what am i going to do ,hes got that he wont listen to anyone he thinks hes a man now but he still acts 12 .any suggestions let me know asap thanx

  • Nolasunshine

    I am very surprised that a counselor would suggest that you give a child who sounds like he/she has some possible mental issues an ultimatum and you kick him/her out of the house before looking into mental health issues. That just seems careless. Get help for your child then get counseling for the entire family.

  • Anonymous-7

    I am in an even worse situation but the thing is....do you drag them to counciling if their not willing to go at age 19? That doesn't work either because they are being rebellious. My daughter is now 20 and pregnant with a guy who has been arrested 11 times and has been in prison. Now she has called me several times to rescue her (me and My family) and ends up finding a way to go back shortly after with no real home to go to just bouncing around. I have cut the ties with her she knows where we are if she needs us especially now. So if she reacts this way carrying a child now,trying to get her counciling never worked in the past either. I personally put it in Gods hands

  • maggie

    Our 17 year old daughter is angry ALL the time , The slightest thing sets her off. She's been spoiled all her life and now that we can't afford to give her EVERYTHING she wants she get abusive ,swears, screams and STEALS from us , and now she's throwing her education away ? I CAN'T trust her not to go into my purse and steal from me or he dad [ and brother ] She's a bright girl and because a bully said she was fat [ she was a size 6 ] she bacame bullimic and at five foot nine she went down to a size zero . She used to be such a happy cheerful girl who was always laughing to this person she is today . She just doesn't give a damn about school now, her teachers have said she's way ahead of her class mates [ maths ] and that she should be in the higher class [ her bully is in that class so she wants to stay put ]. Today We recieved a letter from the head of maths saying her homework is CONSTANTLY late and not up to standard and that no effort's being put in ??? so AGAIN I'm in tears but she doesn't give a damn .She can do this work SO easily but chooses not to ???. Her dad and I think that maybe she has some sort of undiagnosed mental illness like depression [ she said she was depressed a year or two ago and I didn't pay much attention to her because i thought she was just 'down' over something and that her hormones were playing up ,however I DID take her to the doctor last year who she said that she [ my daughter ] was too young for anti depressants at 16 years old ?.She offered counciling but she refused !

    I cry constantly over her nasty behaviour and lack of respect , her older brother finds it hard to even be in the same room as her because of the way she is . She was promised a holiday abroad next year with her friends when she leaves school IF she gets good grades [ she doesn't believe that she WON'T be going of she doesn't stop this behaviour in the house and studies for her exams but it's true ] .PLEASE ,can ANYONE here shed some light as to what's wrong with our daughter ?

  • Anonymous-8

    my 26 years old daughter lives with us,& is persuing masters in Englishin india.its been over two years that she has been hurling abuses at both me & my husband.efforts to make her understand that she must refrain from doing so ,are futile.she blames us for any & every thing that goes wrong with her.she goes off her fuse on very small issues. have a lot to share but need immediate help.

    she does'nt agree to go fo psycologist's assisstence.

    PLEASE HELP!!

  • Sue

    grandson when not in these terrible rages is a good kid - will work but when he becomes angry he punches doors cars and slaps around his girl friend. I think he feels that this is how you keep a person in line. He recently has a beautiul baby girl who he adores and takes good care of as a father. But as a boyfriend, grand son and son he has horrible anger issues when he gets angry. He is also ADD.

  • Janice

    It has helped me so much to read all of the blogs about the behaviors of adult children disrespecting and verbally abusing parents, because I felt so alone and ashamed about going through the same ordeal with my 38 year old daughter. I see now, that it is quite common in many households. It is so sad, and I don't understand it, no more than to say that the Bible speaks of children living in the last days being disrespectful, and unappreciative, and ungrateful. I see now, that it is certainly coming to past. All, I know is that I worked all my adult life, and sacrificed my all for my two kids, after the father walked out and refused to pay child support, and there were times I didn't know if I would make it feeding and clothing, and keeping a roof over their heads, with no help whatsoever, no government assistance, but I did have a job all that time . I worked for the federal gov't (FAA) as a office adm. and was able to retire after 35 years. I feel that now I should be able to enjoy some rest and peace of mine, but instead I'm dealing with a daughter and a son who sometimes feel I "owe them".... Oh! did I mention, that I also raise a grandson (my daughter's child that she had at 16 years old? Well I did..... My prayers go out to all the blogs that I have read, here. It lets me know I'm not alone, and I don't need to let my daughter make me feel guilty, anymore! My prayers will be for all those who suffer the same thing. May GOD Bless.

  • Julie

    Ourc19 year old disrespects us talks down to us. Has sex in our house even though he has been told that we wii not allow it, we can't babysit him every ay we ave our own lives to live. We are really considering telling him that unless hevesy follow our rules he needs to leave. He has stolen money from his 17 year old brother who has autism. The way that he's living his life is disgusting, he was not brought up to act like this.He loves slot of attention, always has since he was about 15 months old. We also haveca 13 year old Daughter I do not want the Son with Autism or the 13 year old to think this is acceptable behaiver. It sounds likecthis is more or less the norm out there with the young adults, it's got to ecthis generation the baby boomers of which we are a part of would never have treated our parents like this. We all need to turn back to GOD And Prayer, It certainly could't hurt. This is all in the BIBLE our Children will turn away from the Parents, I do not have exact verse to quoite but sure it wouldn't be hard to find. Sorry so long, but it helps to get it off my chest, we just want our Son to make something of hisself. He's enrolled in college for the fall wants to be a Civil Engineer which is great but will he follow through with all the work it will entail. Thanks, signing off A concerned MOM in MICH. REMEMBER PRAY FOR YOUR YOUNG ADULTS THEY Deffinatley need it.

  • brian

    Tori is diagnosed bipolar, and is noncompliance regarding new. However she takes any and all street drugs. She verbally and physically degrades her mother and me. Punched my wife in the face. Liz would cut her arm of for her child. Last night I heard voices she had sneaked a boy into her room though she knows the rules prohibit this. At 3 am an argument ensued. She became belligerent and hit me. This was the last draw. She invited me to hit her back. Bleeding sand in pain I beat her over the head with a motorcycle helmet. Raised quite a few large "eggs" on her head. Then I called police and had her taken away (6th time). I miss my beautiful little Disney princess from long ago photos but I'm not getting fooled anymore. She got a terrible beating and is rotting in adult jail now, but this is her world. She ONLY associstes with drug addled convicts, and sneaks them into my home at all hours. She refuses help and therapy, instead self medicated by injecting Mollie, cocaine, heroin, anything. I think it is best that she associates me with pain and violence and stays away. I prefer that her od'ed corpse is going elsewhere, not in her room. I'm sad, but relieved to write her off. Mental illness is the sole cause of evil in humans. Could be genes from my side or my wife, but I won't live under her tyranny any longer. I would rather best her to am inch of her life or murder her if I could get away with it than allow her to live here. I hate my daughter more than any stranger. Today I am filing legal eviction.

  • Anonymous-9

    I'm a 17 year old girl who has a similar attitude as your describing your kids have towards your parents, not so bad but quite a step away from where I was when i was younger. What you all dont understand is that deep down we have feelings and things we really want you to do for us thats deeper than materialism and things we ask for. Backhistory: My parents divorced 2 years ago and shortly after my dad found a young girlfriend and they got serious quick. My parents hate each other and pretty much refuse to communicate. This issue was all caused over the fact that my dad got a girlfriend (who he slept with) and in a religious household with the morals I was raised with, this was unnaceptable. My dad left to another part of the country (half an hour away from the family home) and the family home being my dads meant my mum had to buy a property. Me and my brother were not going to move house, especially from a large one to a tiny one. my brother the next year left to uni and a lodger came to replace him, so i lived alone with this woman. My parents visited me almost every night but I grew cold towards them and although they felt they were giving me what i asked for to keep me happy, i was lonely. i had noone really there for me and i had way to much freedom. Having been a straight GCSE A* student, my grades dramtically fell and I slipped into depression and realised it. so without telling my parents saw a concillor by myself. The councillor was absolutely useless and if im honest school councillors are a waste of time, generally middle aged lonely woman who got an online degree off groupon for councilling and psychology and decided to fulfill their days listening to messed up teens. But I got better by myself through personal online research and training. I didnt want to be depressed. I got better. I treated my parents better. I cant help but blame them for my depression. Had they made me feel more loved, had my dad decided that although he had a girlfriend, he could still make me feel like his number 1 priority I wouldnt have been depressed. I'm sorry you parents out there, but you need to stop telling your kids, I'll always put you before me or that they will always remain your first life priority because we remember these things you tell us and the promises you make like they're set in stone. as soon as you show us other wise or treat us differently you make us upset and as teenagers we want to be strong so we dont tell you whats really hurting us and thus making us angry, which is the fact that we dont feel wanted anymore. I stopped feeling like my parents cared. I'm now in the situation again where im being forced out my house after my dad PROMISED he would keep it for me (money issues because he is holding up too many properties because of his GIRLFRIEND). I've finally got used to being alone and now im being forced to uproot. I understand I have to, but dont make the promises you know? and dont tell me im number 1. im not. otherwise you wouldnt have chosen a life with your girlfriend and supporting her over me. I've come up with a condition to move. I will move if my parents get me a husky. Deep down what i havent told my parents is that i want a husky becuase i want a family member that would never betray me. everything it does is to make me happy. A dog can be selfless. I dont think anything my parents have done has been honestly selfless. I mean my dads said yes to the dog because he wants me to move. selfish. and my mums sayng no because i want to bring it to her flat 2 days a week. Thats the one selfless act my mum could do for me as i know she doesnt like dogs, it would be completely selfless. i told her im not moving without the dog but shes adamant on not giving it to me. having to give up everything ive gotten used to and start again means im giving way more than my mum would be giving up over a dog. but she doesnt understand and that leads me to think she doesnt care. its everyones happiness over my own. SO PARENTS WHO ARE ON THIS FORUM ive been getting frustrated, short tempered and irritable recently and having what you'd call 'tantrums' over stupid things that are so minor and petty but whats actually the root of this is the problems youve inflicted on us. remember a child is only a production of what the parent made it to be. Deep down when i get angry its because im frustrated at everything, not the situation at hand, but everything thats happened to me. But all I really wanted was to feel like I was utterly loved and cared about. For someone to know what they are apologising for. What annoys me most is if my parents follow me upstairs and apologise and i say for what, and they say for getting angry. I dont care about that. Deep down Im desperate to hear them say, 'I'm sorry for making you like this. It's my fault, I put you in these situations you didnt deserve to be in and I'm sorry for that, im sorry for driving you to the point where you get angry at me with smallest things because i know its actually about something a whole lot bigger and more important. And I care about you, despite what you think I would die for you, I know my actions may be flawed and i break promises but im human and i regret them every moment i do break them. And I know I dont learn from my mistakes and im sorry about that, I will try to it might not be great but i promise to try and i want you to point out everytime you feel i could be better and tell me what i could do better. I'm sorry" THATS what id love to here my parents say. Honesty, I'd do anything for honesty. and my parents to communicate, set aside you petty differences and think about the bigger picture. us. we are the future and if you want to mess us up you cant because it'll bite you on the back. Its not about the dog or the family issues or the divorce, i just want to feel like their baby girl again, know that if needs be i can completely depend on them, that they still look at me the same way, no dissapointment in grades or hopes and dreams hammered into me. I just want to feel totally and utterly cared about again. and my parents are brilliant, it was life that took us by surprise in our little dreamy life we used to lead. And i didnt understand why i suddenly went from being so important (i was never spoiled with materialistic things, I was always obediant and good to my parents) to being almost forgotten as my parents concerned themselves more with life, as if i could handle their issues too. The 5 year old girl couldnt and never had to so why should that 15 year old girl be able to too? The councillor on this website is wrong and right in some ways to say that you as parents should be harder on discipline when we have tantrums. We as teens deep down want you to stop us, we miss being guided and told what to do by our parents. We want you to stand up and tell us what to do sometimes, as much as we hate it, but we also want you to stop forcing us. we dont want you to stand there setting deadlines and enforcing rules on us, society and education forced us to grow up and with it our independance. When we get upset we dont want you to leave us angry in our bedrooms, we're angry because we want to cry but we refuse to because we think its better to hate then to be weak. so please, next time your kid storms off to his room, dont leave him or her up there, go up and hug them, and no matter how many times they push you off keep hugging them and say i love you so much and im sorry for pushing you to ever feel like this. say what i said above and you will push your teen from hate in their eyes to tears and sobs and all the emotion comes out. We dont want you to stamp on us in an aggressive or enforcing way but want you to say, this is whats best for you and listen to them, listen to why they dont want to do it, ask and ask and they may get angry so follow them to their room and hug them and say sorry like i said and ask again while they are crying and every honest emotion that is locked up inside them will poor out. and listen and respond appropriately, when they swear say that you feel uncomfortable when they say those words, and everytime they swear say it again, CALMLY. dont yell, it makes us frustrated and angry. just listen please listen, you're going to save your kid. and by the way, we push you to your limits and boundaries because we want to see that you care. when you get angry it makes us angry because we see that you actually care, but not quite enough to come resolve it with us or force us to resolve the issue. because thats what caring is about, its about perserverance with love. and im sorry but thats all we want to feel no matter how hidden or supressed it is and trust me if you asked another teen this they would deny it. i would deny it. but its the truth. deep down. its all we want, to feel like we are you number 1 priority again with a mixture of tough and soft love. Its not our fault we get angry, its yours, we feel we need a reaction and that why we push you, a reaction = care. but an angry reaction isnt always the right one, but the worst kind of reaction is being ignored, it hurts us so deeply, you have no idea, when you ignore us its more painful than anger and makes us resent you even more which burns inside us and turns into hate. So please, just listen to us when we get angry and acknwledge what we say, respond and hug us when we hate you and show that you care. Thank you

  • denise

    I'm very upset don't know wat to do I have a. 19 daughter, 18 son,,,,,are very disrespectful,they smoke cigarettes, smoke weed,think they can come in when they get ready,like wat I say means nothing ,I'm so tired I want to put them out BC they act grown ...I have a 9,10,that I have worry about an live my life I have a boyfriend been with for 18 mos,they want me to put him wat should I do clearly they are not babies anymore

  • ATiredMom

    omg, GROW UP. i have never seen such a blatant inability to take responsibilitiy for your own issues as i have in this post. you blame EVERYTHING on your parents. have you for one minute considered that you are a spoiled brat that manipulates EVERYONE around you to fulfill your OWN needs? clearly you are not ready for adulthood. you need a serious reality check. forget about the huskie. i hope they make you move out so you can get a dose of what real life is all about.

    absolutely unbelievable. smh.

  • Anonymous-10

    I was told by my older cousin some good advice. As far as kids not wanting to follow the rules.... "If your kids are bucking you, then you're doing your job!" I feel for all of you, as my son has just turned 17, and boy have things revved up. But we are going to councelling, and that is what is going to get us thru this age/stage. We are still just getting our feet wet I'm sure.

  • Anonymous-11

    I apprecated finding these comments online, I didnt think there was any such thing and have been feeling like im the only one dealing with this, and i keep blaming myself thinking i must be doing something wrong

  • Anonymous-12

    I wish I could tell you it gets better with age but so far, I have yet to see it. She has moved out and back in 3 times in the past 5 years. I am still beating my self up wondering what I could have done differently. I was divorced from her father and basically raised her and my son myself. My husband now has been a decent father to them both.

    My daughter's anger is now targeted at me for some reason. My husband owns a company and she works for him. She has tried to sabotage me by saying I am stealing from the company and that I erase data from the computers.

    She has tried to break my marriage too but so far so good. But she does put alot of stress on our relationship.

  • Anonymous-13

    Dr. Schwartz gave you some great advice when your daughter was 19. It is apparent that you did not use the advice or you would have remedied the problem. At this stage, it sounds like you are more wanting to complain about the problem than solve it. Possibly, you subconciously don't want the problem to be solved as it gives you an outlet to gain attention and sympathey from others. You seem to ask for direction and advice in regards to your daughter when given, you don't utilize any of the advice given. It sounds like you are in dire need of personal counseling. You may be using her as an outlet and excuse to not have to look at your own mental and emotional issuses.

  • Denise

    Nothing will work for me. Been there-done that.

    My 27 year old daughter will always be this way towards me. Who knows , even after I am dead and gone she will probably be the same. All I know is my heart wont break any more because she is such an angry person.

  • Anonymous-14

    i was on the internet to see what to do, or if someone knows better, and found out thats there so many problems and situations in a lot of familys. Truly i have no answer, no solutions no nothing. Its life thinks happens we cant have it all. I thing i tryed everything. The only thing left is to be truthfull and speak in a nice way, i was always in a nice way but half thruthfull, i always give whats asked even when i dont have it. This children (no matter the age) with this behavours even if they make our lifes so dificult, we love them its our kid, we smile and always look happy and we cry when they dont see as. its time to show them the truth, theyll hate that, but im gona start talking, if i cry, ill let them know i did, if im sad ill let them know i was, if i cant ill let them know that i cant. love? we dont just love them we adore them. through them out? can they live and survive? we was always there for everything, we never let them crow up. So they dont want to crow up, but im not going to live for ever and then what? Dont hate this kids, love them, talk to them, hug them, they might never change but youll know youve tryed everything and above all YOU SHOWED THEM LOVE, tell them I LOVE YOU and be truth...so know i have found an answer, and i have an answer, it might not be the solution but its the best answer as a loving parent i could DESIDE.

  • Losing Faith

    Well, I've read all the comments, and one of them said how they felt like they were the only one's going through all of this.... well, that is how I feel. Something in our raising tells us that the reason they are this way is our fault. I have dealt with my demons and I have given my daughter no reason to treat me the way she does. She is 20 years old, married (but seperated - living with me) and has my grandson, 18 mos. Her verbal abuse started when her Father and I got divorced, she even used to hit me. She was 10. I was consumed with guilt and felt in some way that I deserved the abuse. It continually got worse and worse. She has a baby now, and I see her holler, throw the fits when things dont go exactly as she had "imagined" they would. She has threatened to kill me on several occasions and honestly, I'm not sure she wouldn't. She has so much rage. I've tried to "love" her through it and that don't work, soon as I give her the chance, she is taking advantage of me in some way or other. I can never let my guard down. She lives like a pig, food in her room, dirty diapers and dirty clothes all over her room and in her closet, I can't even stand to go in there. And it completely, breaks my heart for my grandson to even have to walk through it. Its a constant fight to get her to do anything at all, and then she asks me to buy her cigarettes. See, in all these stories, I read where you are dealing with alot from your child as well, however, if it was just my daughter, she would not have a home at my house. PERIOD! But, see, I have this other little 18mos, grandson, that I have to think about now... I can't put him out and the problem is, she knows I won't so she acts even worse.... I am so lost and so broken on what to do, and I can't find anyone who has gone through this and can lend advice... I ask God everyday to guide me and to open her eyes. This is so much bigger than I am.

  • Mother of 3 boys

    its your house. Rules have to be set down in writing posted on the refrigerator. Child services should be coming in weekly after YOU call them - they will insist she take care of this situation or she can leave. You might end up taking the responsibility of temporarily raising the child until she grows up.

    Didn't she have rules growing up - I pray you answer Yes but if it's no like it appears....then this isn't really a surprise. SO break the cycle and save your darling grandson. .. And yourself. Stop waiting for someone else to take charge of your life and your family. Do it yourself. You better get back bone or this could go on forever.

  • vikki

    I have lived apart from my husband for 4 yrs because of my 18 olds behaviour it has now got to the point they hate each other my daughter as just been offered a supported flat which is good because she is so disrespectful and lazy but my problem is if she ever wants to come home and i give my home up to live back with my husband he will never allow her to come back he has made that quite clear and hes not her real dad. I love my husband very much and we have got an 11 old together but dont know what to do because no matter what I can't turn my back on her . I feel so torn between them both

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