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Adult Son Interferes With Our Relationship

Question:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. Two months ago we started to live together. He was living with his 23 year old son at the time. Also, they both work together in a business that is open for lunch and again in the evenings. The son has continued living in the house they both lived in before he and I moved in together.

The evening that my boyfriend moved in with me, his son called to say “Dad, you’ve replaced me with her.” It was supposed to be a special night for us. But, he tends to call even in the middle of the night and his dad never gets upset about being woken up over nothing. I think it is rude.

Now that my boyfriend finally put some distance between him and his son by moving in with me, I thought we were finally going in the right direction. Instead, I am very disappointed that he leaves our house at 7:30 AM every morning and says he’s going to work…which really means he’s hanging out at his son’s house until they car-pool together to work at 11:00 AM.

I feel that my boyfriend is getting all of his emotional intimacy from his son. I feel neglected. How can I let him know that his intense closeness to his son is ruining our relationship? If he got together at his son’s house once a week I could handle it but every day is just over the top. The constant phone calls between him and his son, when we are together, are also annoying and it makes me feel like an outsider.

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Answer:

In any relationship there are certain things about the other person that we have to accept. In your case it has to do with your boyfriend and his son having a close relationship. That closeness is bolstered not just by the fact that they are father and son but by the fact that they work together. As a result, your boyfriend leaves the house early to spend some time with his son before they car pool to work together.

Despite their closeness I am not sure why you feel that their relationship interferes with your intimacy? It is true that if his son continues to call late at night, interfering, with your sleep and his father’s, not to mention your sexual relationship, then you have a real and solid complaint. However, the fact that they hang out a couple of hours in the morning, before work, seems innocent enough. If this is happening then it is true that you and your boyfriend must set boundaries so that his son not interfere. It is understandable that constant phone calls would cause you to feel like an outsider.

It’s important that you emphasize to your boyfriend that you do not want to get in the way of their father and son relationship but the constant phone calls are annoying and make you feel like an outsider. It is up to him to put limits on the amount of time they are in contact, particularly in the evening and night. In addition, you should point out that his son needs to develop adult friendships, including with a girl of his own instead of relying on his father for socializing.

If you can present these thing to him but without resentment you should be able to enlist his cooperation especially if he can be made to see that too much time with his son is not good for the son.

For yourself, it’s important to accept the fact that they will always be close. It’s just that you are uncomfortable with too much time. I would not be concerned with their morning contact. You have a delicate balancing act you need to do. In that, you are not alone.

Best of Luck

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Comments
  • matt

    my fiance and i had a great year together. thenhe adult son was plopped in our laps. i was shocked, but took it in stride. my fiance and i talked about it and wgrered he had to do two things: follow our rules and get some sort of job within a 2 month time frame. he is a sociopth. he immeditley broke rules-with no consequence from his mom. in addition, he would just walk into our house( he has a studio in back) without knocking-at times interupting our "private" moments. we had to constantly remind him this was not his house-he had to knock. he would always have strangers coming overdisrupting our privac he never got a job. even his mom would say no jobs out there for him.ha! he can flip burgers but he said" i'm above that" i would cook and she would take a plate of food out to him. she would sneak food and toiletries out to him. i told her not to do that. he needs to get a job and provide for himself.furthermore i told her it was puttinga wedge between us. she treated him like a little kid- it really efefected all apects of our relationship. i do feel i should have been more of a priority. she just would not meet me in the middle on this. five years of this has taken it's toll on us. i have suggested idea after idea of what he can do to get independent, yet she allows him to do nothing.very streesfuk and frustrating.

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