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Does My Husband Love His Daughter More Than Me (his Wife)?

Question:

This probably seems silly but I feel like I have to fight for any attention from my husband with my step daughter! She gets anything she wants from dad because (he has come right out and told me) he feels guilty because she doesn’t live with us! He does everything with her. She is a sports-aholic so he goes to all her games and even practices… if its baseball and thats 30 miles away! She has tourneys all through summer so we haven’t done any family time in about 9 yrs! We have 3 other boys and I feel bad for them! I keep hoping it would get better … and the boys are all grown now but she is 16 now and manipulates him so well I am about to throw in the towel!! She knows it too. She does little things like saying dad over and over again when she talks to him and it is just me and him there with her. She always wants to go to games of any kind like other high school games/practices or watch them on tv I am ready to give up! I need some me time with hubby we haven’t had a romantic night since well…forever…

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Answer:

This is not a silly problem by any means. Instead, it is a very real and unfortunately common problem that occurs in some marriages. Households where children from prior marriages are combined are perhaps particularly vulnerable to this sort of thing happening, for reasons which will hopefully become clear in a moment.

Family therapists call this sort of problem a boundary issue. In an idealized household, the adult couple functions as an integrated unit, at least as far as their children are concerned. They make policy together and speak with one voice, individually resisting any given child’s attempts to manipulate or to play one parent off the other to gain advantage. They also keep confidences for one another and do not share private adult business with children. It is as though a fence or boundary has been drawn around the adults which functions to keep their secrets inside and to unify them in front of their children.

It’s not so much that having this idealized boundary around the adults in a household is so great in of itself. It’s more that the alternatives to this arrangement are worse, both for the children and for the adults and the quality of the marriage. When a child is allowed to split the marriage, the partners suffer, as you well know from your own experience. Also, the child’s successful manipulation of the adult caregiver isn’t good for the child. She is rewarded, essentially, for dominating her caregiver and comes to see her caregiver as weak. At the very least this encourages selfish behavior on her part and models a weakened marriage for her. Her successful transgressive relationship behavior here sets her up for dysfunctional relationships in her own future, as well, I believe. It feels good to get what you want, but it is not always in your best interest that this should occur. The outcome, in your case, is that daughter becomes more of a selfish brat (albeit a brat who was probably wounded by her biological parent’s divorce and who is acting out at the present time), husband becomes daughter’s poodle, wife feels unloved and unappreciated, and everyone loses self-respect.

It is especially easy for mixed families (families composed of members of prior families) to have boundary problems. Children’s loyalties are to their old families and new spouses in step-parent roles (whether this term is used or not) are not easily listened too. It is common in such circumstances that children will cling to their original parent and reject the step-parent. Such behavior puts pressure on the marriage and attempts to split it or break down the boundary around the new marriage, which likely has not had much chance to get well defined in the first place. Your own family would appear to be living this process out currently.

My recommendation to you is to see about getting your family into a family therapy situation. If they whole family cannot go, then couples counseling for you and your husband could be quite useful too. The structural problem in your marriage and family situation needs to be addressed and hopefully corrected. If your husband has enough insight to know the motive for his behavior, he will hopefully also have enough insight to understand the boundary concepts and how his behavior is not helping your mutual situation but instead, making it worse. What needs to happen here is that he and you together agree to strengthen the boundary around you that protects you from your children and vice versa, protects your children from you both. You both need to set limits with the daughter and keep them, and make some protected time for yourselves. It won’t take much: he can still spend a lot of time with daughter, so long as he grows a spine and tells her no when that is the right thing to do, and so long as he stops neglecting you and the health of your mutual relationship.

If you both see the wisdom in setting limits on daughter, you can expect daughter to ratchet up her demandingness. This is to say, it is normal for someone who is used to getting her way to seek out ways to continue to get it. Escalation is typically a favorite strategy. If a little guilting used to get me what I wanted, but isn’t anymore, then I’ll just turn up the volume until it is loud enough again that I get what I want. You both should be ready for daughter to throw fits and perhaps even move out (if she can). This is all normal, and will tend to subside once it becomes clear that the new limits you both set are not something she can manipulate.

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Comments
  • saira

    I'm also in the same boat. Although, I'm yet to be married to him but going to be very soon. The thing is that, I'm constantly reminded by him that his 2 girls are his ultimate priority in his life and that he loves them the most. Though, I appreciate his honesty, it kills me to feel that I'm less loved. In no way I find the girls are a threat but just his words are so bugging me. He says that he loves me alot too and also says not as much as them. I do love him and I know that because of his girls I wouldn't want to leave him as he has been a very loving man and not only that, it is silly to do so. I should only leave him if he was not good or a loving person towards me. He gives his time to his kids, work and me the last. He may accomodate his children for work and vice versa. But he will not accomodate any of them for me.. When I told him how I felt about it, he said that it's only fair that he tries to give equal time for the girls and me or more for them cause they are young 7 & 5(they stay with him). He also tells me that it's not that he doesn't want to spend time with me but it's just that he doesn't have the time for me as he's busy with work and his young kids. He claims that the times he spends with me are the times he truly feels at peace and after we are married it will be different because then, he'll come back home to his girls and me. My brain tells me that what he's doing is not wrong and my heart tells otherwise. I'm still making my brain rule over my heart. Hoping that it will get better over time. I can't hide the fact that I am very sad about it now and feel lonely inside me.--> Regarding the story above, it must be the same for you..as you were ruling with your brain. There must be something about your husband that you loved and didn't let go of him at an earlier stage. What's the reason for you to let go of him now? Best is to negotiate and work out something..Time heals everything. We all may not be patient at times and things can really get to our head. As the saying goes.."Our mind's a magnet. Dwell on what you want and you will achieve it". Do your part and negotiate with your husband and tell him what you want. You have the right to do so. Tell him to give equal treatments to his daughter and his sons cause that's only fair. If he spends his time for his daughter, negotiate with him and tell him to spend the same equal time for the boys. For yourself, tell him to give you a special day in the week which is only meant for the both of you. Always remember to put yourself in the other person's shoes before you have come to a decision..weigh and see whether or not it's fair to both of you. At the end of the day, we are all looking for love..you, your children, your husband and even your step daughter. Your step daughter also has a soul just like any of you. Forgive her and try to help her. You will feel like an angel helping that miserable child. Better still, you will be "the angel" to your family. You can make it all better. It is in your hands. All the best. I hope I was of some help. May your future be a sunny one from now on.

  • Anonymous-1

    I'd say get out now while you can. My husband has always treated his daughter special over the three boys. They resent her and I resent her. She is a spoiled brat who always wants her way. And daddy gives it to her. He abandoned me and the kids a few months ago to go live with her since she had no job and no place to live. We will always be second best and life is too short for that.

  • Anonymous-2

    I feel I should give some prospective from a man who was in this situation. I had a daughter who was 5 years old when I met my wife. I always prided myself in being a good father who would do anything for my daughter. When I met my future wife, she said that is one of the things she loved about me. She also had a son from a previous relationship who I got along with very well. After we all moved in together, my daughter would stay with us on my visitation nights, which was about 50% of the time.

    My wife started having problems with the situation early on, but never communicated her feelings about this to me. Things such as ballet recitals and cheerleading I tried hard to include my wife in, but she felt uncomfortable around my ex wife.That being said, this is the point where I crossed the boundry. When she fianally let me know about how she felt about the situation, my response was " your being silly' or 'just let me handle it'. The problem in her eyes was that my ex wife was using my daughter to control me. Being stubborn, I refused to listen to her examples. I continued to essentially do whatever I could to make myself feel less guilty about the situation, usually to the benefit of my ex.

    Well, to make a long story short, I now have 2 ex wives and two other children going through what my first daughter went through. My ex wife (#2) and I have reconciled and have been trying to make a go of it again after some eye opening therpy sessions. I've learned many things, but the biggest thing that I learned from all of this is to never give the children that much power over the marriage. Listening and taking action for your spouse dose not make you less of a"good father". Showing your children, and anyone else involved, there are lines not meant to be crossed make you a better father and spouse for that matter.

  • Sweet Pea

    I'm so happy I found this column because I'm living the same situation and my English is never good enough to express what I feel inside of me. Now I can forward this link to my future husband, who's the father of two young adult kids, and hopefully he will understand me better.

    Thank you all for your great advice. God bless blended families.

  • ELLIE

    Everyone involved may be looking for love or whatever but life is too short to wait around for your spouse to stand up to their grown children. I am 33 my 2nd husband is 57 and my step child is 21. The step son lives 10 miles from us but he has only come to our house once and I have seen him in person 3 times over 5 years. My husband constantly excuses and allows this behavior. He "says" he loves me but his ACTIONS are always with his son. He treats him like he is 5 years old. When the step son calls, he calls the husbands cell phone and my husband will go outside far off to have a private conversation. I am over it. Get the heck out now before marrying anyone with these traits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • pam

    I'm 53, divorced and have dated a guy who's 68 (looks younger) for the past two years, I am in love with him, and he is with me, or so he says. We've talked about marriage. He hasn't been married for 38 years and then it was because he got the woman pregnant and got divorced. The wife left the family and he raised his two kids. Now the daughter is 38. She is divorced with two kids and now a baby she just had out of wedlock because "she wanted a baby." her father pays for her mortgage because she doesn't want to work. "Gary" cannot say no to "Susan" . She is a total bitch and not particularly nice to me although I've tried. I've been trying to plan a vacation this summer with "Gary" but he keeps putting me off. "Susan" was just on the phone with him and then were talking about getting a house for labor day weekend. I heard it and told Gary, You promised that we would go away. He said, "Well I promised "Susan" we would go away that weekend so stop being so grouchy. I just left and said,"Plan all you want with her, you promised me to go away and I can't mention it, I knew all along where your priorities are." I'm done!!!!!

  • jac

    I can completely relate with all the comments above, my husband and I first starting seeing each other five years ago, at that time his daughter was 3 and half years old and already ruling the roost. Custody was three days on and four days off then vise versa. The Ex's was very controlling of my husband and would walk all over him using his daughter as an excuse. After a year of custody battles we were finally granted fifty percent custoday, At the time I remeber thinking this will be great 1 week for my husband and I the other week as the blended family, yet things have not worked out that way. My husband and I own a business which is great but the weeks he does not have his daughter he works back really late, yet on the weeks that he has his daughter he can always knock off on time or earlier. Not only do a find the time spent together an issue, but I am expected to be a step mum who can make lunch's, clean the house follow up matters and make sure the household runs smoothly yet I am not able to have any say in which his daughter is brought up. Its now five years on since I first fell in love with this family but at this point in my life the long is not strong enough to keep it all together, and that is from all partie involved, some things just are not worth the heart ache the cause. It has got to the point where an eight year can make up a lie and will be belived as well as have all the things she ask for. For anyone who has just got in to a relationship with children from another relationship all I can say is dont do it. Unless you are prepared to fight a loosing battle for the rest of your entire married life just dont do it.

  • Charlie

    My husband is so guilt ridden about his divorce that took place when his child was 8 months old (the divorce was amicable and only because he was not in love with her) that he has allowed EVERYTHING to revolve around his child for the last 13 years. He pays his ex wife (who has a Mercedes, pool, new husband and large house) 100% more child support than he is legally entitiled because he is so damn guilty (he pays $2100 for ONE child) plus $500 per month travel expenses. However, he lost his job five years ago, did not work and we almost lost our house, but he would not modify his support (remind you that is 100% over what he is legally enititled to pay and his ex who lives a very pampered life and does not work) beacuse he did not want to upset the applecart for his ex wife and child. In the meantime, I was working two jobs, 18 hour days, trying to make ends meets, while he would go to the gym and workout for hours at a time. He is often too busy for the marriage but as soon as his child wants something, he is always available and money is no object. Two years ago, he moved to the midwest (I am on the west coast) to take a job (that was supposed to be temporary. We are communting back and forth beacuse he won't find other work back on the west coast beacuse he does not want to modify his child support. I cannot move to the midwest beacuse I have built my business up here and cannot afford to start over (as once he pays his child support, trip to see daughter and rent, he has no money left. I am really getting tired of this and the child constantly comming first. I wish I knew then what I know now, never, ever marry a man with children. It is a nighmare.

  • Anonymous-3

    Not to make you sad~ GET OUT NOW! I had the same situation, and it's 13 yrs. later and we are still having issues. She is now 26 yrs. old and still has control over him!!!!!!

    Gog Luck!

  • Anonymous-4

    I concur! Get out now...it will NEVER change...only gets worse!!! My husband has taken a job overseas, mainly to be his daughters hero to give her large amounts of money for gifts and over priced college. Here I am alone...literally as well as figuratively. He has been gone nearly four months. Her birthday was last month, of course he fired off a birthday card with a couple hundred dollars about 2 weeks before the blessed occasion. He has sent her flowers and other gifts in this period of time. However, he let me know that he has a Christmas card for me, just keeps forgetting to send it. I'm sure I'll never see it...usually takes at least 2 weeks from the Middle east to get here and right now Christmas is just one week away. If you see the notes he sends her, looks like they are sweet hearts, the notes he sends to me look strained and definitely not loving. Hell, I didn't even get a Sweetest day card! When he finally decided to send flowers to me, it was only because he sent them to her too...oh how special. She has caused so many rifts in this marriage and has NEVER been reprimanded, neither has the ex wife. He has threatened to divorce me over this person. I am to the point where I should...maybe they'll live happily ever after. Is there a state out there where I can send them for a legal union?!!!

  • MISTY

    Honestly I am in the same boat just different shape. My husband of 5 years has a daughter who the mom abandoned. ( She abandoned her first child too). He took was 28 years old about to push 30 and had no other children I would think that he would have been a little more sensible on the women he chose to be the mother of his child.

    I would say if you are strong enough to leave.. then do it. It's obvious that most of us are just sitting waiting for a miracle to happen maybe one day they will see who is not using them and who really loves him. A wife is supposed to be as one with the husband, and many men get it. It's just those who had no father, or who feels guilty for some reason or another who don't.

    I would say that my husbands daughter is a manipulator she knows just how to push his buttons.. she knows just how to make him smile.. she knows just how to play him.. but could care less about him.. she never does what he askes her to do. . she brings home redslips every day from school.. except now it's more like once a month! But mainly because the teachers at school fall in to the sweet little talk she always does.. I should know because I'm the one who picks her up and they tell me The girls done this and that but we wont give her a red slip because she promises not to do it again!

    I told my husband that I am about to throw in the towel.. I've been through enough and now that I am older I have learned to love myself enough not to torture myself any more, why live unhappy I tell myself.. I can just go back to my home town and start over.. fresh..I love my husband.. and I know he loves me because he trys to change and some times he does well..

    So I'm giving him some time.. it's only fair if you see improvement, but honestly to the girl who dont mind, You need to work on your self esteem as well as many of us women.. you deserve to be first with your husband.. I don't think that a child should be abandoned and just left out all the time.. But I do believe they have their place in a family and need to be set in their place.. For more then one reason.. But most importantly because they are more likely to fail at marriage just as well as their parents.. why ? Because they will never learn compromise they will always neglect their spouse. I think it's important that we teach our children how to have a happy family not a spoild brat child hood that leaves them selfish and self centered.

    You need to really think about marriage with this man.. because if those children do something you dont like or disrespect you.. You will be the one fighting for justice to be done and he wont care. Trust me kids will push as far as they can... and if they feel you are taking to much of daddys time you will be the next to go..truth being if they are daddys number one their also grandmas and aunts and etc.. I know thats how it is here with my husband, and they used to get so mad if he spent any time with me so he didnt..I can honestly say that the first time we went to a movie together ever alone was last year around this time. so why not find some one who is ready for you to be number one! Enjoy your life.. it's really selfish for him to be your priority and you not be his..

    I really wish I was wiser when I was younger.. I met my husband when I was 18 and honestly I wasn't that bright.. But we have spent time apart while hes been over seas handling his mothers house.. and I feel most of this marriage I have been alone and in that time I've grown..he sees it and now just now he's making the changes... but most men are not as reasonable as him..I can't even say that he will fallow through with what he says.. So far it looks good.. so far it looks like he has advanced..I mean he takes me out now once a month.. but still his daughter manipulates.. and still he allows her to be selfish.. He expects all to respect her and keep her confortable but could care less if he causes problems with any one else.. My daughter.. is constantly being bohered by this girl and the man does not care.. but if my daughter gets mad and keeps quiet he gets mad at her for not saying anything to the girl.. because most the time after ticking my daughter off she will be like i love you and pretending to be all sweet.. so......... do not live like this.. I repeat.. if there is change give it time to make sure changes keep being made and things get better but if not leave.. I know I AM I give my husband till the end of summer before my daughter has to start school.. and if things are not way better I am so going home it will be hard.. I love him and fear no one will love me the way he does.. I'm close to my brother in laws the only ones who are not blinded by the girl.. and are fair... I will miss them.. but I can not torture myself anymore.. it's making me hostile and I dont like that.. So yeah if you need any one to talk to feel free to email me I am always looking for friends!

  • Julia

    In the exactly the same situation and have been so depressed for the last four years and been so hardly blamed by my husband that I constantly question my own behavior. I love my husband so much that I could just not leave him, but he has frequently asked me to leave the house whenever we have fights. Our marriage has been in the hell. His daughter is just exactly like an angel to her. She makes him laugh. she kisses him and hugs him all the time and is so sweet to him that I never heard they have ever argued. He buys present for her wherever he travels, however i get always nothing. Her room is full of presents from him and I never get anything. He calls her every morning and every night whenever he travels. Whenever he is at home, they are getting up and going to bed at the same time. They have breakfast together. Preparing for bed together (brushing teeth, changing pajamas), makeing lunch, dinner and even cakes together. i am completetly out of this family life. Every time I am so sad that i stay away from him and stay in my room all the time, just try to avoid all those scenes to make myself feel a litte not so bothered. God knows, that won't help a bit. I have tried to explain all my feelings and what all happened, but he only accuses me of a jealous woman. For the past four years, I cried so much and becomes so depressed and so dreadful that I turn to be older quickly.

    The worst, I want to have our own babies now, and he also wanted to have baby when we first got married, but now because I often complained his ignorance of me, he starts to avoid this topic and refuses to have baby with me any more. I am completely disappointed from him and mentioned about divorce, out of surprise, he immediately agreed and takes his daughter again out for vacation, leaving me alone with a broken heart. For the last two years we have never had any vacation together, he travels often now with her whenever she gets her school off. When I complain again, he just blamed that because I don't want to go together. I don't want to have vacation with them, well, because I don't want to tortue myself again to see how her blesses her and completely ignored me. We have once a family travel together in Spain, it turns out to be that I was alone walking around, and he was all the time with his daughter and his son. I was so tired and also so scared fo such a trip, that I am afraid to go out with them. But leaving me alone at home and they always went out enjoying their life is another tortue to me.

    This odd married has made me now so scared of any relationship. I have loved him so much and he loves me too, but now because of this situation, my life is now in a big hell.Because of my love to him, to start a new relationship is also not easy. I have seen several man, but every time I just can't forget him and still come back to him.I have also tried to see the therapist, but it is also not so helpful. Some people said things will change when the daughter moves out, but from above what we read, even they grow up, even they have their own family, their daddy is still their servant. As wife we can still not change the situation and their relationship grows even closer once they sense we don't like them to be like that. After reading the above experiences, I am making up my mind now to have an end of this relationship no matter how much I love him, I won't be ever happy to be with him. Wish all those with the same situation like me a peaceful soul life.

  • Anonymous-5

    IM a father of two beutyfull littel girls and my girls are the world to me and and im shure its the same with him and his littel girl. Its not that he dosent love you he does but he will always love his littel girl more. Well i was geting married to the love of my life but i will always love my kids more then her anyday not trying to sound mean but i left her she was getting mad i was spending more time with them then her and we where always fighting about it just accept it or dont it will never change of how he feels about his littel girl just suport him and try to spend time with both of them

  • bridgette

    ...that you will never be number 1 with this kind of a man - his children will always come first.

    and if you divorce/seperate with this man, after years of trying with his children, you will never hear from them (the children) again. you are not family and they have no reason or desire to stay in contact with you.

    He wont put you first and they wont care about you it is a harsh reality. I know far too many women in this situation - you're the odd man out.

  • Desparate in New York

    I am considering leaving, I know I will be a lot more happier and less stressed. I am going through the same issues with my husband of 5 years, and his son. I am being used by my husband to care for his son on the weekends he has custody when he goes to work. The kid constantly tells lies, and his mother and father both need parenting classes to help them understand this childs behavior, that he is rebelling because they are not together. The mother goes one way and the father goes the other way, and their preferences are completely different and the child is in the middle of their castrophy. So am I because I am being used, by the father and the mother. She gets support from the father almost $800 dollars a month. What do I get nothing, not even quality time. The son is a manipulator, and the father does not see this and the mother is a coniving bisexual who wants to run to gamble every chance she gets dropping the son off at any body house she can find when she has business. I am lost in a world of confusion. The reason I am so upset is because I had went out and bought everyone in the house a snack. I came in and I told the son who is 12 years old I bought you some skittles, I bought your dad some soda and I bought me some Icecream. Later that night I offered him one of my icecreams and when I got up the next day only one was left in the package so I confronted him and he said I told him that they were his. Then he told his mother and father the same thing and now they believe him and both are feeling like I would lie to their son about some icecream. The father thinks I should get past it, so that when it is his weekend to have his son and he has to go to work I will be there to keep him. I am not keeping him again. The decision where he should stay or be if his father has to work will be discussed with the father and his mother and they will decide where he will go. I am not going to tolerate any kid trying to play on my intelligence. The father keeps telling me I believe my son over you and has screamed in my face when his son was in the other room with his company saying I believe my son and threathening me not to say his son is a liar. As he was threathening me, he was fully dressed and he had his gun on his side screaming in my face. The gun was not pointed it was in the holster but anything could have happened. The kid til today has not came forward and expressed that he has lied to his father and mother, and the things he use to do like call after school and call on the house phone has stopped. He calls his father on his cell as to avoid speaking with me. My husband wants me to forget about it and I can't, that will only make this child feel like he has accomplished something and he has not. This morning when I got up after my husband lleft, and we sleep together but do not communicate anymore as husband and wife and I don't feel as though I am appreciated or respected I have stop washing his son and his clothes their clothes are left there for him, he can take his son dirty clothes and give them to his mother to wash and my husband can wash his own. I will not be there maid, house cleaner, nor will I be there babysitter anymore, because I feel I am being used. My feelings are not being validated only his son feelings and his son mother feelings, and I am the LIAR. The funny thing is I gave up my entire apartment furniture and all to move with him in his apartment. When I leave his apartment I will take whatever it is I bought into this relationship. I am not going to wait for a change cause it will never come. His son is 12 he has 10 more years with him and that will be ten years waisted out of my life if I stay. The funny things is I gave his son everything, he wanted and needed growing up, I have been with his about 9 years, married 5. I am now tired.......and he had the nerve to have playing on the tv when I got up this morning "Diary of a Tired Black Man" I just laughed, he feel as though he is the victim. What a Child!

  • Mary

    I have been married to my 2nd husband for 2 years now. I have two children from a previous marriage who live with us and my husband has a son from a previous marriage who lives with us as well. It seems since day 1 our marriage has been hell. His son is a bit "odd." I am ashamed to say that before we even married his son touched my daughter inappropriately. The kids were only 6 and 7, but it still bothered me because it seemed like it was more than just playing doctor. The boy had pushed my daughter's panties down and was on top of her. The boy was taken to a shrink at my persistence because I just did not believe this was something natural like "you show me yours and I will show you mine." Needless to say, he was taken and diagnosed as ADHD but nothing ever came of it. I find myself analyzing the boy often, I suppose this due to me being a special education teacher. The boy never had anything to do with his birth mother. Every once in a while she will call and he might visit his grandmother's house where his mom lives. My husband had a one night stand, the girl came up pregnant, he ended up marrying her, and she ended up leaving him with the kid. So the boy never bonded with his mother. He makes my skin crawl, he is mean to animals, has motor tics, and has trouble at school. My chief complaint is not that I mind looking after the boy, its the fact that my husband just seemed to "dump" this responsibililty into my lap. What is worse is it has really affected our relationship. We are rarely intimate and conversation is very vague between us. I often feel stressed to the point of nausea because I am just so damn unhappy. I even feel guilty for being unhappy because my husband is very kind to my children. I try to talk to him but he immediately becomes offended so talking is out of the question. I just want the man I fell in love with back. Otherwise, I am going to have to walk and I hate this because I never wanted this for my children. I want them to have a good opinion of relationships. I feel like a complete failure, but what do I do about the intense amount of stress I feel? My chest feels like a truck is sitting on it!

  • Anonymous-6

    I am in the same position. But the only thing is that the child involved is not my husband's but his ex-wife. She calls all the time and I think she knows it annoys but I never care. now, I am looking for an apartment because I cannot live like this anymore.

    THis is a very serious issue between parent who see emotional support from children. They become enmeshed and it is not normal. So everyone response here is very normal. If you would like to know more, you can buy the book "emotioanl incest syndrome" by Dr. Patricia Love. she explains the problem in great details. Good luck.

  • Ana

    Hi there all i can tell if you are in the relationship like that trust me just get out of it , man never change and they listen to others more then you , i had my fiance for 3 y, his son stays with his mom very far away, the days he comes to stay with us trust me its a HELL days for me because i don't even see him , he wants his dad to take him to his grandmas house ( my in laws house) and stay there for the rest of his stay days , if his dad does not do it he calls his mom and his excuse is (my dad is not happy to see me he doesn't want to spend some time with me ) , then my fiance gets phone call from his ex .....and all i hear baby i don't want to lose my son , my ex is telling me if i don't spend some time with him she will never let me see him again, please understand me .........

    im telling you JUST GET OUT OF IT if you are in the same shoe.........

  • Anonymous-7

    Hi Everyone, I have read reams on the internet about step-familes and all the problems and resentments that can bring. I have been in the pits of despair and the heights of frustration trying to find answers to my dilemma. Of course, the answers inevitably lie within yourself, your experiences and your emotional well-being. I am writing my story in the hope it will give insight and help to anyone else going through the same thing. When you spend your days stressing about something, waiting for the next incident, dreading certain occasions and interactions in your life – it’s time to evaluate just what it’s all about. Where do I start? I’ll rename my H ‘Bob’ and my SD ‘Daisy’. Daisy was 12 going on 13 when I met Bob. It would appear the two of them had always been very close. I believe it was even starting to cause problems in Bob’s previous marriage. For example: He recounted when they were at a family party, BM wanted to leave and take Daisy with her, as it late. Daisy cried and clung to Bob who said she could stay. This caused a row between BM & Bob. He gave me many of these examples trying to make BM look like a nasty monster. I understand how a 12 year old isn’t going to take kindly to a new woman in her father’s life, taking his attention. She was just a child, with not many friends who clung to a father more than happy to make her 100% reliable on him. She had had Bob’s attention all her life – she wasn’t going to relinquish that easily. Bob also has a son 8 years younger than SD who this closeness did not apply to. I have 3 children. During those earlier years, there were many upsets and arguments – too many to list here, but Daisy was almost always at the bottom of it. Her resentment wasn’t just aimed at me, but also at my children and on occasions, even her own brother. She would delight in ‘tell-taling’ and getting the others into trouble. Bob always picked fault with my kids – they could never do anything right, and if they ever did, there would be no praise from Bob. I don’t want to sound like ‘poor me’ in all this, and looking back I don’t understand why I let it happen. I spent my life trying to keep Bob happy. He spent his life keeping Daisy happy. Into her teenage years SD continued to spend large amounts of time with Bob – she used to take him shopping a lot, get him to take her and pick her up from places, used him as a bank and a taxi service. If ever I dared to protest I would be aggressively accused of jealousy. During this time I am convinced Daisy made Bob promise her never to have a child with me and never to marry me. I accused him of it once and he never denied it. Among all the debris that it would take a book to describe, there are one or two incidents that hurt me beyond measure and that stick in my mind to this day. I had bought Bob a shirt for Christmas. Everyone said how great it looked on him. I made a casual remark that he could wear it for Daisy’s 18th (planned for end Jan). Lo and behold, a few days before the party Daisy asks Bob to take her shopping, and yes, she makes him buy a shirt to wear for her 18th. I asked Bob which shirt he would wear. He snapped, ‘Daisy’s – does it matter???’ It mattered to me. It was typical behaviour. We had a row. Next thing Bob tells me, ‘Daisy doesn’t want you to come to her 18th.’ So Bob went off happily with Daisy to the 18th leaving me at home. (I must admit, I sat at home drinking vodka until I was quite drunk – took the shirt out of the wardrobe – cut it into a thousand pieces – put it in a carrier bag – walked down to the party venue and sent the carrier bag into Bob with my best wishes. I know it wasn’t a very mature thing to do, but it made me feel better!) We did get married after 9 years of being together. I admit I pushed him into it because he said he wasn’t ready. I moved into the spare room until he WAS ready. He was ready in 3 days. I pushed him because I wanted that commitment from him – my mum was in poor health and I wanted her to see us married – and I felt we’d been together quite long enough for it. I was hoping Daisy would meet someone and then the torture would end. We did have a bit of a break when she took to going out, meeting boys etc. During the time when Daisy left school at 16, to aged 18, she got herself into £13,000 worth of debt with credit cards and loans. Naturally Bob wanted to bail her out. We took a second mortgage on our house (we were having improvements, the garden etc done too) so we lent her £10,000 of that. Eventually she met someone and got engaged. She extracted almost all the cost of the wedding from us bit by bit. To cut a long story short, she managed to buy an ex council flat for a discount price of £54,000. House prices were soaring then. When she eventually wanted to move the flat was worth £96,000. I thought ‘great, we’ll get our money back.’ She had other ideas, and told me, ’If we pay you back, we won’t be able to get the house we want.’ I said it would still need to be paid. We needed it. She went ahead with the house without mentioning the loan again. Another big fall -out for Bob and I. I insisted she pay it back. In the end she borrowed it and she did pay it back – but she hated me even more for that. I could go on and on with endless anecdotes like that, but I’ll fast forward to the present. She is now 31 years old with 2 children. If I ever thought things would improve when she had her own family I must have been deluded! With the added leverage 2 little cherubs provide, my life turned from a bad dream to a nightmare. She has always been more like a wife than a daughter to Bob. They confide in one another – he tells her about the disagreements we have and any other of our business. She discusses her husband and her daily life with him. He runs my children (now grown up) down to her and lets her know any gossip about them. This, in effect, has divided the family. If they don't see one another they are phoning & texting several times a day. He often visits her without telling me - also he has always giving her money. Couple years ago he paid her mortgage 2 months in a row - £700 per time - in secret. I found out completely by chance. There was big trouble over that - and he promised not to go behind my back again. Since then - he just does things he thinks I won't find out. He tells me he feels like 'piggy in the middle' and I can see that he thinks if he keeps us both separate, that's the answer. He has admitted she hates me - not that I've ever said a bad word to her (although she knows I have certainly complained loudly about her to her Bob because he tells her). My biggest crime is being with her dad. I will admit the feeling is mutual and I cannot stand her. I did make an effort in the early days but it was like banging my head on a brick wall. I have also asked myself if I am just jealous – yet other people can also see the manipulation. She made Bob buy her 4 year old a mobile phone for giving up his dummy. I thought they meant a toy phone until they got back from the shop. Yep! A real mobile phone for a 4 YEAR OLD!!! Daisy married a very weak man whom she dominates completely. I can’t see any love there, but she seems to do, say and buy things so that she can feel ‘normal’ (she’s now weighs approx 25 stone – that’s 350 pounds). I have often felt sorry for her for being that overweight, yet she lost a lot of weight for her wedding, then piled it back on again. She even admitted to drinking a bottle of wine every night while she was pregnant. Needless to say, my sympathy bouts don’t last long. I used to think she was highly manipulative and my husband was just weak and feeling 'guilty' for 'leaving' the children when his marriage broke up. I now think that my husband is doing exactly what he wants to do - has probably ruined his daughters life - and actually enjoys having the both of us 'fighting over him'. It all came to a head at the beginning of November 2008. Daisy had again blamed my son for something she had done. Bob started on him and ended up calling him, ‘a ****ing lazy B*****d’. I snapped and ashamed to say I smacked Bob around the head. It was as if 19 year’s worth of frustration and anger came out in that moment. The sheer force of my feelings frightened me. I realised I could not afford to ever get into that state again. I moved into the spare room. After 5 weeks I moved out. I didn’t tell him I was going – he would have stopped me and more importantly, stopped me taking the computers etc I needed to continue to admin the business so that we both could still get a living. I still loved this man and was full of confusion and depression. He turned up on the doorstep promising to change. We had a long talk – I explained my feelings, everything – how I didn’t blame Daisy and that I thought he should never have given her the power he did – that he should have set boundaries and limits. He agreed with everything I said. Shortly after that we arranged to go out for the evening. An important evening because it was the first time we had been out since I left home. There was a lot of bonding to do. Five minutes after arranging that and saying goodbye, he phoned me to say that, ‘sorry, I completely forgot I promised to take my mum to Daisy’s birthday gathering on Saturday. I said, ‘Could someone else take her?’ He said, ‘I really wanted to go myself.’ I said. ‘Can you go for an hour or so, then we can go out?’ It wasn’t a ‘special’ birthday – just a small gathering of family & one or friends. He had loads of time to see her in the day, too. Next thing is he said to me, ‘We’re never going to get anywhere if you don’t get over your jealousy of Daisy.’ Back to square one. Other stuff has happened since then, proving without a doubt that I will never be No. 1 in Bob’s life. I have also realised how controlling he is and that the situation with Daisy was actually a form of triangulation. I believe that men (or women) who truly love their partner will work with them to overcome problems with children/step-children. The only way to do it is as a team. If you have a partner who refuses to listen to your feelings, the chances are you are in a controlling relationship and nothing will ever change. It has taken me 19 years to learn this. Yes – I had good times, but far too many miserable ones. I have now let go of my marriage and am looking forward to a peaceful future, without the daily anxiety and it’s great! If you're not already bored silly with this very long post, I would be happy to share experiences and give anyone the benefit of everything I've learned over the years.

  • Anonymous-8

    I have lived in the same situation as most of you and they are right, he will never change. It took me 5 years to figure this out and they were hell. My children suffered badly and it was unfair of me to put them in that situation. I loved my husband very much but I was never allowed to be the wife, this is wrong in so many ways. If you find yourself in this situation no matter what the circumstances were or are, you need to get out. Life is too short to be miserable, find someone who will love you and cherish you.

  • Anonymous-9

    i am so surprized by all the simialr experiences..I have 5 children and he has 3 and together we have a 2 year old. we are planning to marry in the summer but maybe i shouldnt..His kids used to come every other week to his house but now his daughter has moved in with him and refuses to see her own mother. His two sons still go back and forth. My oldest is a daughter of the same age as his and there is alot of jealouly there I wonder if that is why his daughter moved in even though we dont live with him when she used to see her mother we had him alone when we visited once in a while..Now she is always there and wehn he visits (very rare now) she is with him or he had to rush back to her. Its the same constant texting, buying presents and putting her first. its like they are the couple who live together and i feel like the third wheel when i visit even though we have a baby together. he wanted the baby to be a girl for her so was disapointed for her that it was a boy. i hate the sound of her voice patronizing me and making breakfast for herself and the baby and then complaining that my kids forced her to make breakfast for them (they would never) She spreads her stuff around the house in such a disgusting messy way but he wont let me tell her to clean it up or even wash her dishes after she cooks He says that he is just glad to have someone cooking so doestn mind the mess..I have to clean my dishes and so does my daughter. he thinks that my daughter is mean and snobby to his daughter and is always on her side because he feels sorry that his daughter isnt skinny with good marks like minehe accuses my daughter of talking down to him when his daughter treats him like a "poddle" and "servant" she has accused us of trying to kill her dog and not including her in activities. He yelled at me because i said that we would have a girls time hot tub with the baby but then when the twin boys (age 8 wanted to come in i didnt stop them and tell them no girls only! I couldnt sayd that to my sweet sons who just wanted to be with me - she is supposed to be included in everything but my boys are supposed to shut up and dissapear . He likes my daughter better than my sons and likes his daughter better than his sons so that is why his daughter is so jealous of my daughter His baby is after his boys but above my boys. My place is above my kids and below his but i guess that his place in my heart is the same i put my kids first too so i dont know if i should get married or not. He is caring and understanding to me and my daughter but now that she lives there his time is all taken up

  • terri

    My situations is alittle different, but very bad. My husband has a 40/yo son, and a 34/yo daughter. He is very embarrased by both of their behaviors, but only stands up to his son. The son is currently on probation for drugs and alcohol problems. But has somehow convinced dad that he has changed. Fat chance! It's the three times a week drug testing that has made any difference with him. He will be off probation this Sept. and I feel he may have learned some lessons about not getting caught, but at his age, I don't think he can change his spots. The daughter is my worse nightmare. I have known her for only 7 yrs, and in that amount of time she has lived with us twice, been offered to move into my house (which I still own) for 350.00/mo (half the house payment) plus half the utiliities (she refused saying I can afford to let her live there for free). She has been kicked out by two men, been evicted, sued, got married and had a house foreclosed on with him. Had seven cars repossed, and been fired from over 40 jobs. I lost it with her two years ago. She was stealing my personal items from the house. No way it could have been anyone but her. Hubby makes excuses for her, defends her attitude, has even threatened to call the sheriff on me because I told her to leave and not come back until she paid me for items taken, and unpaid loans and apologized to me for her behavior. My husband told me to move out, and I did three months ago. All because I refuse to just excuse and over look the way she treats everyone. His kids have barged into our house without calling or knocking, demanded to have keys of their own, cussed me, lied, stolen from us, manipulated us, expect their dad to continue buying them furniture, cars, pay deposits, cover bounced checks, provide bail money etc. Still, I am the bad guy for researching how he is an enabler, why I shouldn't be expected to put up with their or his treatment of me because we aren't a biological family, how he and their mother have never instilled any work ethics, morals, loyalties or set boundaries with them. It doesn't ever change, no matter how many times he says it will. I question whether a person who shows a total lack of respect for his wife can claim that he loves her at all. I love him....will always wish the best for him, but he will spend the rest of his life alone with nothing to show for it, because as soon as we file for a divorce....they will show their true colors and fire up the pressure that they use to get away with putting on him daily. Honey, fire up that check book....be happy...live with the consequences of your actions!

  • Kaywall

    I have been married for 3 short months and have struggled with this issue for all of my 4 year relationship with my now husband.

    I feel that it is the guilt of his daughter not living with him and the fact that her mother doesn't do well financially that makes him feel as if he can never do enough. Even if this means him putting her before me. It is as bad as me going to the mall to shop...if I buy myself something, he expects for me to buy her something too.

    He needs to understand that I am his WIFE and should be #1.... The order is God, Spouse, Children.

    I think I am ready to throw in the towel already. We have tried counseling and I am afraid things just won't change.

  • terri

    Today is Sept. 12, have been seperated 5 months today. Still he is waiting for me to give into his demands. Nothing has changed and it obivously never will. He still wants his grown kids at the house, even after his son cussed him out (while drunk) and hung up on him last weekend. I sure need to have them around me when they treat us with such a total lack of respect. I have given him divorce papers for an agreed divorce three times and he won't sign them, stating he wants to work things out, but I guess that really means that he is just waiting for me to give in.

  • Anonymous-10

    Therapy? My husband would think I'm nuts. But instead puts his daughters and son (gay) well above my needs. My children have given him a birthday and fathers day and christmas present since we have been together, his children have given photos of themselves to their father, and nothing for me.(I'm ok with that) But the amount we give to his children we could have been to hawaii for a whole year. No I'm afraid this is it. I really do love my husband but I'm second and I have never chosen him second. What do I do?

  • S. Kathleen

    I am so thankful to have found this site and these comments!

    I have been re-married for a little over 2 years. I have a 10 year old step-daughter. Her visitation schedule is every other Monday, every Wednesday, and every other weekend. On these days I do not exist to my husband. He spends every waking moment with her and he asks her what she wants to do on that particular day right in front of me and never even looks my way...until she answers...then he will invite me to come along. If I don't like what they are going to do and say no, my husband tells me I am "isolating myself".

    Money is no object for him or her either. We can be buying gas and he has to get her a pack of gum or an iced coffee, or she will ask for something...I get the receipt to record in the checkbook. I know that doesn't cost much, however, my point is everywhere we go she will get something...now that adds up.

    I have spoken to him about my feelings and he says I never come up with things to do. There is a museum that I suggested we all go to. It is literally 5 minutes from our house...guess if we have gone???

    He took her to a movie today (Him and I don't go to the movies, because, "they are too expensive, and he will just fall asleep in one") Yes, I was invited. The movie did not interest me, so I did not go. He was to drop her off afterwards. When he came home, he wanted to make love almost immediately...needless to say I didn't.

    This is seriously effecting our marriage...

    Our neighbor bought a motorized bicycle over the summer. my husband really liked this idea and asked me what I thought. I told him I am not that interested because I like the bicycle I have and it is good exercise for me. My step-daughter likes the idea. I came across an order for a men's and a woman's motorized bicycle. I know it is "partly" my christmas present becuase my husband told me that he was going to pick up mine and my step-daughter's christmas present. I don't want to be rude, but, to get something I never wanted and to have a "shared gift"...how tacky.

    The first year we were together he asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told him a sewing machine (nothing expensive or top of the line). He told me I didn't need one. I bought it for myself this past summer. For not needing one, I sure have used it a lot. My step-daughter will get everything she asks for..."Christmas is for kids".

    I do not know what to do!!?? I am so depressed on the days she is here.

  • Anonymous-11

    If you feel last in line for your husband or partner's affections or priority, after his child or children, then you probably are.

    If you choose to live with that, it will never change.

    If you choose to reject feeling like that, there is a whole world outside your front door and plenty of room for you to join it any which way you want.

    You're a long time dead. Don't waste your precious time and emotional energy trying to convince yourself that your situation is giving you the basics you need in an adult relationship.

    Go and find your happy.

  • Anonymous-12

    oh dear i am going through the same thing my step daughter is rude and a nightmare she used to be nice, but has got worse she slams the door in my face, answers back at me thinks she is so clever and coo and knows everything, but yet i still have to remind her to wash and bath she would wear the same socks and pants day in day out if it was not for me, the other day her dad was out i asked her to get ready for bed nicey ,what did she do not do it and said i do it when i want so i got cross, so she got changed and deliberaty threw er dirty pants in my face. and said u cant te me what do do u are not related. i hve done everything for this ungraitfull chid her mum decided to keep the youngest one and we had her i take her on hoidays and spend money on her do her uniform, and al i get is her rudness and cheak and back chat, her mum never takes her away on holidays and i do but the thanks i get is a door slammed in my face, the other day her sister was there and i was stil cross about her behaivior and thought i take the young sister out but not here she did not deserve my love after teling me u aint related to me so i can do what i want . i was making a cup of tea and the little sister kept shouting my name and saying look she has put tobacoo in your tea she got hold my my cigaretts, what a thing to do, her dad says she is the best girl in the world, mmm yes right is that the behaviour of a lovel daughter, i think not its one a kid that need to be disaplined now before she does me any more damage, no joke i have three cats and i dread to think what harm they do her today my cat scrached her it was a accident my partner said your cat best watch out not like make a ememy of this kid cos after al she put tobacco in your drink god ony knows how she woud be to a animal,. she pushes her sister around and punches her, and this is some father that thinks his kid is so so nice and the best, sick is it not

  • susan

    I am having the same problems after 8 years we have a daughter together but he doesnt love us like the other children he treats our daughter different and people see this buy not him. his children are all grown and have children of their own but you are right it will never change. He will never invite me to go see them because i am the one with the problem.

  • Anonymous-13

    I came from a bad marriage to meet mr. right he treats me good and I do know that he loves me. He has a daughter that lives with us and he has 3 other kids that visit. He is very close to his daughter and he should be but she walks around like shes better than anyone else and knows how to get what she wants from daddy. Everyother wkend when she is to go to her mothers she makes up excues to avoid going or to go as late as possible. He always gives in because he wants too. Then there are times where he is calling to pick up a.s.a.p before the weekend is even over. Whenever her mother calls saying ok you can pick her up now he cant get out the door fast enough. All I ask is for alone time everyother weekend, but I'm never sure if it will happen and I feel he only takes her home because he dont wanna deal with me getting upset, so I look selfish. When his other kids come to visit she braggs about what dad does for her when they are not there. Then she gets so smart-mouth with them. I feel like I'm suffocating but love him so much. We have a baby together but his daughter stil comes first all the time. I have a friend that told me she was the same way with her father, and her father went through 3 marriages, and does not bother too much with his other daughter. So I am scared people are right, things will not change.

  • TERRI

    Divorce was filed, he begged me to postpone, said he would go to counseling. Got kicked out after one week because he didn't do anything the therapist said. Went back with him the next week and the counselor said why is he here, thought he was done? I said he agreed to abide by your advice and do as you recommend so I posponed the divorce hearing. Well, within a day of our second session he started that cryptic "we need to talk" crap again. I was sick with a rash and swelling (possibly a stress allergy which I didn't know existed), so he kept saying when you feel better. He called me 4 times to remind me that would be the case of "when I felt better". Had enough drove over to his house to wait for him to come home from work wearing pajamas and house shoes as I was already sick in bed when he was confrontational. He cussed, yelled and shoved me, then called the sheriff on me accussing me of being drunk (steroids and face and tongue swelling), I got mad and took our three dogs in defense as I have been commuting to see them everyday. He said he is suing me for custody of the dogs as they are his kids....he has two kids and three grandkids...I can't have children or grandkids....he says I don't want him to have anything. Have been here for seven years for nothing. If he doesn't get want he wants I am spiteful. If he get's it I am in misery. I hate him and his damn grown kids the are messed up something awful.

  • krystal

    ive been reading all these comments,and i am in the exact same situation with my husband of 7 months,(we"ve been together for 3 years prior)my husband has two boys one 12 years old and the other is 5 years old,they both live upstate with there mother and grandmother.before i got married to this man we would constantly get into fights because of his kids.he used to tell me that i had to act like there biological mom,when im not.im not there mother and never will be.whenever there around he completely ignores me ,he tells me that he doesnt have to show me affection when there around because they need it more than me since he doesnt see them often.the oldest son calls every single day about 6 or 7 times he even calls late night on a school night just to ask his dad for something,he gets everything he wants and of course whatever is more expensive.my husband used to pamper me along time ago but doesnt any more since he always finds himself pleasing his children more than me.when he comes home from work the first thing he does is calls his kids and stays on the phone for quite a while leaving us no alone time we eat dinner late because his children call to frequently and it pisse me off.on top of that were are still newly weds and my husband has stop sleeping with me.i feel alot of resentment towards his kids they hate seeing us together they crave for his attention 24 hours a day and it makes me sick to my stomach.and you know whats funny before we got married last year we had lived together for quite some time and i used to take care of his son take him to school,cook,clean,etc...........until his son got real sick and his mother decided to take him back.after that happened he told me he got a job in connecticut for a month and that we had to move out of the apartment.so i moved back to my mothers which gave us time to reflect on our relationship we were doing so well and then he told me 2 months before we got married that he didnt work upstate infact he had secretly planned to move upstate to live with his kids in his ex wife's house,he moved everything over there then when he realized that he missed me so much he wanted to come back to me,so now that were married hes back to his old ways,its not about us its about his children,if thats the case why doesnt he just move back with them i feel like im waisting my time and im only 28 and hes 34.im about to throw in the towel!i want to be number 1.

  • Nicky

    I have been married for a little over a year and i feel that my marriage is deteriorating already. My husband has 3 teenagers 2 daughters and a son. One of his daughters lives with us and i feel asi if she and my husband are running my house. My husband does not take me into consideration for anything and makes all of the decisions on his own. I dont have a bad relationship with my step children at all, but because i dont tell them anything negative. I leave all the discipline to their parents. I actually feel like my relationship with his children is good, but I rarely get any attention from my husband, he says that its because he has to work a lot because he has a lot of debt, but everytime one of his children call him for anything he is there in a second, he is even there for his childrens sibling. This calls are not unusual at all and they are very frequent, more than a couple of times a day. I dont know if it is worth it to keep trying and not give up yet, since our marriage is only a little more than a year. I dont know what to do. I need someones opinion.

  • Lannie Thom

    My husband cheated on me through incest with our biological daughter when she was in middle school.

    All information was turned into CPS and shortly after information was dismissed and cased closed.

    Shortly after this incest occurred my huband and daughter admitted that they fooled around.

    Several years later, now that my daughter is eighteen, I have no sexual connection or emotional ties with my husband. He has ailenated me and feels guilty that he had not been there for the my middle daughter the way he should have been.

    Now I am feeling neglected as middle child is taking up all his time..... Everytime she has aboyfriend date my husband is there. Its like impossible to get any time alone with him. Gone every weeknight and weekend. Its driving me crazy

    I have two other girls begging for his attention but he doesnt want to be reminded of his obligations to them.

    I dont know what to do ither. I feel also like momma A.

    Any advice on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.

  • I wish I could go back in time

    Man, I am glad to see I'm not the only one. My husband has told me that I am jealous, being a b**** and I just hate her. All he does is text her and gets on facebook with her and talks to her on the phone. He has no time for me anymore. He doesn't have anything to say to me because all he does is talks to her. I could go on and on. But it just makes me cry. I am sick of crying. I have cried more these last two months than I have ever have.

  • Kay

    He doesn't deserve you. Do something for your self, and decide to be happy and free of all the bs that comes with being with him. He is not 'the one' if he doesn't treat you as 'the number one'. You can do so much better... TRUST ME. You are a beautiful powerfull woman and you deserve to be in a marriage that is healthy. This is not healthy. Think about it, you know I'm right. Don't be afraid.. You can win, permanently.

  • Terri

    He had said he wanted to take medication and resume counseling. The day after the second session, he became agitated. He called me 5 times to tell me he wanted to talk about something, but wouldn't go into detail. On the 5th call, I lost it, told him to follow the counselors rules on communication and he hung up. I went to the house to do the face to face talk and he got physical with me. I had enough, so I took the dogs this time and put the divorce back on the docket. Now he is contesting because I took the dogs, which are my kids (being as I can't have any of my own). All I have heard is about him wanting to be with his grown, trouble making kids....but when I take the dogs, he wants a court battle? I've worn my knees out praying about this...I guess GOD must approve of divorce in some situations because he sure isn't doing anything to put pressure on him to change his ways.

  • Anonymous-14

    my marrriage is close to ruin

  • Alicia

    Well, i was in the same situation, the only difference is that it was with his ex-wife's child. We were getting married in a year after we moved in together and his ex-wife's child would do so many things just to offend me. I would speak to him about it but he never spoke to her or tried to fix it. She would make up stories to the other memeber of the family with the intention of making trouble. He knew she was like that and still did nothing about it. On top of that, she would get everything she wants from him even though she does so many bad stuff. It never mattered what she did to him that was his angel. On top of that everything he own, according to him belongs to her, no one else. So the house we live in is not mine in the event that something happened to me. Well it been a lot like what you guys have been explaining here. Well i left him about 6 months ago and i am back to myself. He still wants me back but he woudl never change because he is helpless. He is helpless because he does not want to listen to anyone when it come to his step daughter. I think I would have been more understanding with him if she was a real child but she is not, but he does see her as his daughter. That the other woman's problem now not mine! His emotional needs was being met by the step daughter, so after a while there was no connection there for me and him.

  • Anonymous-15

    i am sorry to hear about the issues that everyone is having but on the otherhand it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this siutation

    I have been in this situation for 8 years and it has not improved one bit. He has 2 daughters and I have 1 son. The problem has always been his oldest daughter. She is first. My belief is that everyone in the family should come equally but not to him.. I thought over time as the kids got older it would be better but no.

    Advice: Women be afraid off men with daughters from past marriages the relationship is often weird and seems to reek of some odd co-dependency.

  • terri

    As I said, my step kids are now 35 (girl) and 40 (boy). The daughter and her husband are now moving into an apartment. He took over payments on a home he had quit claimed to his ex because she couldn't afford it and they had their home foreclosed last year. Now they are losing this house also. Luckily for her she isn't on the loan but this will be his second foreclosure in a year....can you say another bankruptcy for both of them? My divorce is getting nasty and expensive. He moved all the money from joint accounts and is being forced to move it back. Luckily for me I have other bank accounts to live on....but it has upped the drama with this co-dependent parent.

  • ms. brown

    my husband went bankrupt- i bought him a house and he has been paying the bills- i moved in- he pays the bills i buy groceries- step daughter now has asked for so much money- trips to T.O. trips to New York ,party expenses and texting bills add up to 12000. so he paid it and now has no money for the bill, no money for the mortgae, no money at all and he wants me to save him...again

  • terri

    I don't know what the reason for his bankruptcy, could have been legitimate medical bills or could have been that his daughter learned the behavior from him. If you enable him this time, then he will just continue to enable her.

  • Sandy

    Reading all of your storys brings back memory's as I was there where you all are about 8 years ago until my husband & I moved 4 hours away from his 2 boys. My husband also felt guilty & did everything for his 2 boys every other week end. Lucky for me it was 2 boys instead of a girl who I think would be so much harder to deal with as girls are different. They do wrap their dads around their little finger.

    But I did love to read the one comment from "I'm a good father - Jan 29th." Please people read what he has to say again & again. If your man does not want to do what this man says, then maybe you should leave. Or get yourselves into therapy, which we all don't really want to go to, do we? But this man did & look what he learned about himself & his marriage. Not to let the kids control it. It's not a good thing to let the children manipulate dad that way & it's not good for a dad to feel that guilt & then do everything for the kid. It's going to be so hard with step children, no matter what, even in a good & healthy relationship. I had 2 children of my own also & I always felt they came in 2nd best. It's hard, damn hard. But lucky me, now that they are grown up, they are 24 & 28, we don't have that hassel any more & boy is that nice! But I felt everything you felt & it's not a nice place to be. Go get therapy to learn what this man learned! I wish we would have.

  • Terri

    Divorce has been heated. Accounts where closed, and lied about. I have been monitoring the accounts online because he isn't computer savy,he has no clue how I am figuring out that he is pilfering frozen money. As soon as the daughter learned about the impending divorce, she left her husband claiming he threw her out. Manipulated her way in his house with a kid, and two cats. Him stupidly believing everything she says. (they can't stand to be confronted). I was telling him I told you she doesn't want a husband just a daddy who doesn't question her, demand from her, or expect from her. She wants my husband to act as if he's her husband. He gave 1,000 and I caught him so I went to see her husband and he said she was 30 days late on her car payment again and he was fed up and gave her an ulitimatum so she left him. My husband said use the money to get caught up on the car and go home by Saturday. She caught up the car and got an apartment instead. She has very bad credit (555), no furniture, and no money and a very high car payment (466). She left on time but left two cats in his care and refuses to take his calls. He acted like he wants to reconcile since the truth about his two sorry kids has come to light, but I refused not because I have stopped loving him, but because now that she is out on her own with nothing and a child, he will continue to lie to me and finance her self destruction.

  • dan

    Does my husband love his daughter more than me (his wife)?

    yes he does.

    what kind of person would want to be married to someone who loved anything more than they loved their own children? forget the fact evolution makes you second fiddle sweetie--your kids come first--your problem is that you're shallow enough to think that since it's not your kid she shouldn't

  • Anonymous-16

    This column is 110% accurate,after 17 years of battling with this,the daughter is now 18 and i will tell you short,bitter sweet and to the point...get out of the marriage if he doesnt agree to counceling it will ruin any chance you ever have of being happy (especially if you wait) you have time and years and love invested,you mean NOTHING to her with out a pocket book if you let this go on!!it will get worse,a vehicle,insurance,1000.00 proms,senior parties ect...until you put a stop to it and it wont end in your favor if you wait..and the "ex" gets all the credit for being a wonderful "mom"and you and your child together will forever live in their shadow

  • Debora

    I wish I was wiser....Its all the same as everybody says here..Unfortunately its all true...I think that divorced men with kids should just stay out of next marriages...And women should definitely stay away from those men!!!!! they are trouble!!!!!!!

    everybody should know it!!!!!!!

  • Terri

    I wouldn't expect my husband to love his kids, but they are grown adults (35 female, 40 male). The daughter has been fired from 32 jobs, had 7 cars repoed, been evicted, filed bankruptcy, had a foreclosure, been sued, skipped on over 40,000 more in debts since the bankruptcy...just in the 8 yrs I've known her. The son is a recovering alcoholic, drug addict and drug dealer. He has been arrested over 15 times since I've known him from assault, domestic assault, dui, possession, selling drugs etc. My husband has enabled these adults out of guilt because of a divorce from their mother over 25 yrs ago...a divorce that he caused by fooling around on her and you think I shouldn't feel like a fool for putting up with this crap...then you should go see a counselor and find out what causes you to enable your kids. If you are a christian then read your bible and see what the pecking order is suppose to be in life. God first, Wife second Kids third.

  • sonia

    i have read all these comments but i am still confuse.... i am about to marry a gye who has a 8 years old daughter . I think she really comes first in his life he always tells me that you have to share me and have to live like this.... i am young in twenties and have a lot of dreams about this beautiful life but ... hope some body will suggest me right.

  • Shauan

    I have an 11 yr old step daughter whos mother just reacentl passed on i love this little girl with all my heart but she has been comming between me and my husband i have 8 children the 2 youngest are my husbans and my step daughter get so jelous of them and even when we are alone she has to cry and wine and she allways tell her dad she is sick but when we take her to the doctors she says she's not sick anymore,, she lives with her mothers sisters and get to do what ever she wants over there she was just recantly caught smoking dope and when me and her dad asked her about it she lied to us saying she didnt do that "daddy please beleve me i didnt do that " the things she says and does are starting to drive me up the wall she told her aunties that i gave her a bleeding nose and she whines to her dad all the time and begs him for exspensive stuff "laptop, iphone, things like that and when shes asking for them ohhh daddy please if you love me you would get it for me, she tells the other kids that he doesnt love them, she goes so far as asking to sleep with us, and if she cant get into our room she will sleep outside the door and pretend to cry, when she is around me and the other kids she is fine but as soon as her dad gets home she will start crying and whining about anything ,SHE HAS EVEN GONE SO FAR TO TELL HIM IF YOU LOVE ME YOU WILL LEAVE HER AND WE CAN GET A PLACE OF OUR OWN she dosnt care that he has to babies with me, i am concerned about her around the babies cause of the questions she has been asking, if they babies eat this will they die what will happen to the babies if they drink bleach, god i am worried about her and she needs help but her mothers family wont let me get her into counselling, but the sad thing is when she whines and begs he gives in and buys her what she wants, when i try to say something about it he gets mad at me and tells me i cant tell him how to raise his daughter, he doesnt see what she is doing I NEED HELP AND FAST

  • Anonymous-17

    Love and be loved. Don't get stuck in trying to win a love battle with someones kid.

    There is no first and there is no last in love. You are simply loved. If you start a battle over who is loved more, you will be loved less.

    Enjoy the love that is given to you... and love them back.

  • Caitlin

    DO NOT MARRY ANY MAN WITH CHILDREN FROM THEIR PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. If I could go back in time, I would never do this again. I wasted my best 7 years (age 30 to 37) with my current husband and I do not even have children from him. Also if you get married, always keep a separate account for yourself. We only had a joint account and I do not have any money on my own at all. In addition, I have supported my husband while he was pursuing his dreams for 6 months so I will be lucky if I do not have to pay him after we get divorced.

    Until now I thought my case is unique but after seeing all these remarks, it seems not. I have been married to a man who has 2 children from his previous marriage. When we married they were 13 and 15 years old. They are both boys. My first 3 years of marriage was horrible the kids came over every single weekend, either Fri - Sunday or Mo - Tuesday so I never had any weekend with my husband. In addition, when they were over I ceased to exist, my husband only paid attention to them. During the years they learned they are nr 1 and I only come 2nd. In the past 2 years things started to be better as the old went to college (he only comes home for the big holidays, 6 week winter break and the 3 months summer break) and the younger one has a serious girlfriend but in the past 2 weeks things became horrific again (older kid is back from college and he is so dependent that at age 20 he is still spending every minute with my husband when he can).The kids came over again for the entire weekend and a couple of hours after they left, my husband left with his exwife and one of his kids for a college orientation trip for 2 days. The day after he came back which was a Tuesday, he was working late and on Thursday he was supposed to go for a 10 day trip to visit his family abroad. So naturally on Wednesday I was looking forward to doing something with him. I asked him if he wants to go out for dinner and he said it is a good idea. Then he added that we should pick up his 20 year old son as he wants to say goodbye. I almost fainted. I had not spent time with my husband for almost a week and he wanted to go to dinner with his son and me?!!! This moment was when I realized, things will never change. He will alwasy put his kids first, even when they are going to be 30 or 40. I cannot waste any more time, I still want to give myself the chance to find the right guy and establish a family. But right now I am so full of anger and I am so depressed. Sometimes I want to hurt myself and the only escape that I see is moving away. The move will not be easy as the mortgage for our house and our car is on my name. I do not want to stay in the house as it is in the same town as his previous family is located. I will have to rent something in another place and hope that the real estate market will pick up and we can sell the house so I can have some money.

  • Anonymous-18

    Too many women on here upset that their husbands love their kids from a previous marriage.

    You should be happy you married a man that loves and values his children instead of one who abandons them and runs from responsibility.

    If they were your kids you wouldn't have a problem with it. You probably weren't ready for this type of marriage and now resent your decision.

    As someone said, don't try to compete for love. Just love and be loved. That is all.

  • Anonymous-19

    DO NOT blend children.. especially teenagers. My stepdaughter has been a manipulative brat and has finally won.. I can't take anymore. I'm the 3rd woman she has run off.. including her OWN mother. There are no boundaries.. everything is a competition that was set in place long before I arrived. She lays on him like she is 5. Enough is enough.

  • Anonymous-20

    My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and we have a 4 month old son. He has a daughter from a previous marriage. My husband tries so hard to make her feel a included that he excludes me. He even invited her to my ultrasound appointment without discussing it with me!! He could not understand why I did not want her there. We have so few first as a couple (because he has been married before) I would rather share them with him. As I decorated the nursery, he tried to guilt me into decorating her room (which is the largest secondary bedroom in the house for someone we see 4 days a month). She has had that room for 10 years and he never thought to redecorate! Needless to say the nursery was never fully decorated - the room does not even have a closet.

    I read the other comment about going to the mall and being expected to buy her something. She rarely says thank you and until recently my husband felt she did not need to tell me thank you.

    One night I asked him to close the bedroom door so that I could pump breastmilk and he said no that he wanted to hear her (an 11 year old) if she needed something. I told him she was old enough to knock and that I needed privacy. Needless to say the argument escalated to verbal abuse and I called the police.

    My biggest mistake was moving into a house that he shared with his ex-wife. I feel like the outsider. My life has completely changed and his life has not. Same house, same routine, same ugly decorations (he does not want me to hang pictures or curtain rods). I feel like a prisoner.

    He does not want to take a picture iwth the baby that does not include his daughter. I told him that my son deserves a picture with just his parents just like she has pictures with just her parents. He won't even go on a weekend getaway without her! Great - so she gets two vacations.

    He even asked me to help save for her college. That is between him and her mother. I have a son that I know I will be the only one saving for because he is busy with child support, private school, piano, sports and whatever else she wants to do. He even complained to me about the price of formula when he had only bought 4 cans!!!

    What the hell am I doing?!! This is not the life I planned for myself.

  • jenn

    i am married to the love of my life. i would give anything (and i have) for this men and all i ask in return is to feed my need for attention and love. unfortunately, he has an 8 yr old son that comes first to him. dont get me wrong, the first thing i fell in love with was because of how great he is as a father. his son is an amazing person and one that is destined for greatness. the problem is that those two are attached to the hips and they dont even live together. the son comes over every other weekend and we see him 3 times during every week for baseball. it breaks my husband's heart to say goodbye to his son as we leave him with his mom. the son always cries and latches on to his dad for him not to go. the only attention i get from hy husband is when we have sex late at night after hes done playing with his son or playing call of duty on his PS3. we dont go out, we dont travel and we dont even have children of our own yet. before i met him, i was the party girl who lived carefree and was known for my athleticism. my routine now as a married wife is to come home from work, cook, clean, and stay in my room while my husband plays with his friends online and with his son. i dont want much, but i do need my husband to be a husband and not just a father. it feels like theres only room for father and son. no space for a wife.

    hes so concentrated in being a friendly dad that he completely neglects me until he wants sex. i dont know what to do. i have sacrificed so many things in my life to be with this man, i just want to feel appreciated and loved. i dont want to fight for his love, i just want to be loved. unfortunately for me, my husbands way of showing love is not through romance and candles, but through sex. i use to be a big fan of making love to my husband, but now it just feels like a chore. i feel like i have to say yes to everything he asks of me or else he will leave me if its not to his convenience.

    oh wait, theres more.......a while back his son and i were alone and he told me that he misses his dad alot when hes not around. he also told me that he wishes that him his mom and the dad can live together again. that hurt me so much, especially when its coming from the same mouth that gives me kisses and hugs and sings to me. hes starting to make up lies and when i outed him in front of his dad he admitted to the lies. my husband told me later that i intimidated his son to changing his stories around. theres no way that his son can be wrong or make mistakes in his eyes and im sooooooo freaking tired of it. the other day the son accused me of hurting him and yanking his arm(even though it was not true). luckily he told his dad and not somebody else. either way though, i still got in trouble and was told to back off from helping raise the child. i told my husband that i didnt want to be in a situation that im left alone with his son and that includes taking him to school in the mornings anymore. i chose to do this because i didnt want another accusation to occur and my husband believing his son and not me. my husband decided that if i cant help him with that, then he will leave me and find somebody who will. i do everything for my husband. the one thing i want to protect myself from is being doubted. its a lose lose situation. i dont take his kid to school or be left alone with him, then that would mean less hours the two of them can spend together. and if he loses those few hours with his son because of my decision, then its bye bye to me. i dont want to lose him, but i feel so alone already that im thinking of just being single again. its just so hard to rebuild a relationship like what we have. i dont want to start over again. ive been wanting to have babies of my own for a while now but i feel like i shouldnt if im doubting my relationship already.

  • JLS

    I have been married for 2 1/2 years. While dating my husband we had visitation rights with our children on the same days of the week. Rarely did we do things together with our children, but the two of us were inseperable on the days our children weren't with us. He never seemed interested in having all the kids meet and get to know each other. His children were less than thrilled when we got engaged. His oldest daugher even tried to talk him our of marrying me as his youngest daughter, who is currently a senior in high school, did not want to have to live with "those people". My youngest daughter, 15, lives part time with us as well as his youngest daughter. They act as if they have never met each other. My daughter told me that she even goes out of her way to ignore her at school. When the 4 of us are here together, my husband and his daughter pretty much carry on a conversation between the two of them, completely ignoring us. We have yet to spend a holiday together as his kids have no interest in getting to know my family. This is not how I expected things to be once we were married and I'm at the end of my rope. I expected some challenges, but this is getting crazy! I don't want to get a divorce as I truly love my husband. But, putting my own kids in this situation was extremely unfair and allowing myself to be put in this situation is extremely unfair. I feel the resentment building daily. I don't even want to get started about the needy ex-wife! So, I can understand completely everyones comments on this site!

  • Anonymous-21

    To the poster who said the kids should always come first, please. I prefer to teach my kids/stepkids that they are not the centre of the universe. A family is made up of many people and each of their needs should be considered and balanced against each other. Too many Fathers believe "the child comes first" means that every want and whim of the child comes before the needs of the family as a whole (usually his wife). All this does is raise spoiled, self centred children who can't deal with adversity. Oh...and result in more divorces and more displaced children. This type of blanket statement is exactly the problem and why we need these types of forums to vent. GET A GRIP. If the birth mother and father were still together the child would not always come before the relationship. I guess that us Step-parents are just not as important right? PLEASE!

  • Mia

    My 29 yr. old stepdaughter who lives 3 hours away can do no wrong in her father's eyes. He has a codependent relationship with him where he supplies the money and she uses it as she wishes. She is divorced and has a 2 yr old son.

     

    We have been married for 2 years. I knew he had some credit card debt when I married him, and told him that he need not pay me for any utilities or mortgage (he moved into my house), so that he could pay off his credit cards. I asked him how many years it would take, and he told me 2 yrs.

     

    He gives his adult daughter who makes as much as he does and who gets child support as well credit cards still and she uses them.

    I sent her an e mail telling her that we were working to pay off the balances and to please not use them. She was furious, did not answer me, and went crying to her father. The credit card debt is over $20,000. dollars. An amount much larger than I knew about when we married. He won't stop giving her the credit card, and sees nothing wrong with her using it.

     

    The last time she was in my house visiting with her child, she didn't speak to me, this was before the credit card e mail I sent to her. I asked her if she was dating anyone, and she answered in a snotty tone, "that is on a need to know basis, and you don't need to know". I was really surprised and angry. My husband said she was just joking and blamed me for being upset about it.

    I took a test that says I have cancer. It doesn't say where. He went to visit her two weeks ago and came back and said, "don't we all have cancer cells in our body? Couldn't it have been positive because of that?"

    I didn't blow up then. However today, before I went for a P.E.T. scan, I told him I didn't appreciate him discussing it with his daughter and doubting the reality of the test. I also told him that I did not want him to share anything personal about me with her. (She did not tell him about her divorce ever. He found out about it and that she had moved in with her mother and step-father from her brother about 5 months after it happened). I told him in anger today that I thought it was wrong that he had to find out about something as important as that from her brother.

    He has now left me. He texted me while I was in the hospt. having the test that he was in a hotel tonight. I haven't heard from him since.

    I feel guilty as if I am to blame because it IS his relationship with his daughter. However, because we agreed that he would pay off his debts which he can't do with her still using the cards, and he thinks her treatment of me is o.k., I am ready to let him go. If he comes back and wants to make up, I don't really know what to do.  I am not willing to enable this behavior any longer.He has bought her cars, houses, computers, clothes, etc... He doesn't have a cent to his name because he pays it all on credit card balances. He says he likes to give.

    She showed up 20 minutes late to our wedding and never apologized to me. She has never once said a kind word to me.

    He and her mother divorced when she was 5 years old. I am his second wife.

    I have 4 children of my own, 2 are adults. He criticizes the behavior of my teens who are great kids. He tells me all the time that they are narcissistic. I don't flame at him and leave. I tell him I am sorry he feels that way.

    All of this has affected my marriage and how I feel about him.

    If anyone has any comments to make on my situation, I would appreciate them because I feel very alone with this.

    Thanks!

  • Anonymous-22

    It is so sad to read all the comments. I guess I'm not the only one. My husband only loves his son and doesn't care about me or our son. My husband never married his son's mother, but he adores his son. His ex is crazy and she is making her son just like her. She always goes to the bar every weekend and had like 10 boyfriends during the time I have been married to my husband which is 9 years. She made up a bunch of lies about me saying I beat him up, that I said I was going to kidnap him, that I was holding him down so my daughters can kick him on the head and psycho stuff like that. I used to be so depressed about all the problems and all the lies, my husband didn't care because it wasn't him getting in trouble, he only cares about spending time with his son and doesn't want to make the ex mad because she will keep the boy from my husband. As I got older (I'm 32 now) I got smarter, I decided to file a lawsuit against the police department because they always believed her lies and accusations agains me because I am hispanic and because she probably slept with half of the policemen. I won the lawsuit and after that she quit bothering me, but now she uses her son, and she tells him to make up lies about me. last year he texted his mom and told her that I told him that I was going to kill him. She called the police and they came to my house. My husband never defends me, he says I always complain about him and that I am jealous. It is true, I am jealous because he only has time for him. I do not want to be around his son anymore because of all the lies, so my husband picks him up and goes to his mothers house starting thursdays or fridays until sunday night. We never do anything together. He spends his money on his son and he makes me pay for my stuff. He always tells me he pays for my rent and for my utilities. He even told me once that his son is his oxygen. I can't take it anymore, I deserve better. It will never change. I am nothing to him. It is a big mistake to marry someone who has children. Oh and my husband's family hates me and they are crazy. They hate my son and they treat him bad when he goes to their house with my husband. I am going to leave him and move to another state. I don't want to be around them anymore. It is so sad I wasted all this time. I always dream about meeting a good guy who will love me. I am a person who likes to give love and also receive love and attention. I tried not complaining about it, hoping we can make it work, but I am the only one trying. My husband only cares about his son. Men like that never change. Don't waste your time if you are in a situation like mine. I read someone's comment that she want to hurt herself, please, don't do that. They will celebrate if you do it. You will make them happy. instead, leave your husband and be happy, start a life with no drama. That is exactly what I am planning to do.

  • terri

    It's now December 2010. I divorced my husband 7 months ago. Two weeks after the grown daughter found out we were divorced, she left her husband and landed on his door step. He called complaining that she was there and her husband had thrown her out, so I called the man to see what had happened, surprise, she was behind on her car payment because she had gone away for the weekend with her friends. He had given her the choice of leaving or changing her ways....Easy choice for her. My ex. was mad at her for lying but instead of throwing her out he gave her 1k dollars to get an apartment (no money, furniture, or credit) so the train wreck begins. Within a month her creditors are harrasing him, her car starts breaking down, etc. He has refused to fund this, so she had to go home and eat crow. This will not last long...as she is now in default on 43k in student loans and we are waiting to see if they begin garnishing her wages.....which means she can't pay bills with her husband. The drug addict son had seemed to be doing better until he showed up for a July 4th cook out high. Seems like his new addiction is OxyContin. The son called last weekend wanting rent money, Christmas money etc.

    I feel sorry for my Ex. but I told him that I love him and want him in my life, but I can't come back home to this. He is retiring this month and I refuse to be the only responsible person in the family. I can't put my health through this anymore. My bloodpressure just can't take it. I won't be funding his kids, retirement, home, or anything else. Women save for your self, don't pay anyone's bills previous to your relationship. Keep a little put back if you need to leave. Always maintain seperate credit cards, have a bank account for each one of you and a third account to pay joint bills.

  • Rosalie

    Becoming a step-parent is not a place for the light-hearted. It is a huge step and a huge comittment. It is a place where you constantly find yourself at fault for doing nothing other than trying to make the best of a "no win" situation. I remarried (2nd marriage) 2 and a half years ago. I have 3 children (2 boys, 1 girl) from a previous marriage and he has 1 daughter from a previous relationship (has never been married before.) We are both mature (supposedly) adult professionals with advanced degrees. I have a healthy background for marriage as my parents have been married 49 years and my first marriage ended in divorce only because of verbal and some physical abuse. I was married for 17 years, for better for worse and I was the martyr for most of it. I should have left him the first time he laid a hand on me.

    I also realized it was unhealthy for my children to see an abusive marriage. So, I left. That was over 10 years ago. I concentrated on being the best single mother I could to my children (ages 10, 4 and 2). For the first 7 years, I did not date and only started having any kind of social life for myself after about a year before I met my current husband. We met at work. I was introduced by to him by my brother-in-law, who had known him a long time nad vouched for his character. And he is a good man and also a good father--but a good father to a fault!! Like all the other father's in this forum, he lets his daughter get away with so much. He rarely stands up to her and when he does, he backs down easily and way too soon. For the first 16 years of her life (now 18) she was his one and only. She was the center of his universe. He had also not been involved with any other woman since she was 5 and she never had to compete with anyone else for his attention. Needless to say, our first two years of marriage were hell because of her. What made it worse was that she had to live with us full time because she found out her mother (who she had lived with mostly) had a boyfriend with a child molestation conviction. Her mother refused to believe it was true, chose to believe the boyfriends story and allow him to live with her in her home. So, my step daughter had to live with us full time and my husband got full custody. Since, me and my boys moved into their house, they had to share the third bedroom and our bathroom. My husband did not want his daughter to have to share her bathroom (hall bath) with my two boys. We tried to sell the house but it didn't sell and after 3 months we took it off the market. We are still living this way. My two boys in a cramped 10x12 room with a tiny closet, and she gets the bigger bedroom and the bathroom to herself. My huband comes down hard on my boys for little annoying or inconsiderate things they do, but never gets mad at her. She hasn't cleaned her bathroom in months and refuses to tell her to...not even when my 14 yr old daughter comes for her visitations (lives with her Dad in another city.) My 14 yr old daughter chose to live with her father because she didn't like the idea of me remarrying. She also wanted to live in the city where her father lives rather than the one I was living in. Now, she regrets that decision because she has found out what he is really like. I feel so bad because I don't have a place for her when she comes. She sleeps on a blow up mattress in the boys room, because my husband refuses to put twin beds in his daughters room--doesn't want her to have to share. My husband is a Sr. mechanical engineer with a Masters and makes very good money. He has a very healthy 401 K. I keep trying to get him to rent out the small home we are in (too small for our blended family) and buy or rent something else. We can borrow against the 401 K without penalty for a down payment. But, he is so tight fisted with money. He would rather me and the boys live in an awkward and uncomfortable situation than take on any financial hastle or risk. It' like he feels so bad for putting his daughter in this situation to have to give up and share so much, and doesn't even care how me and the boys feel. Oh, and I forgot to mention that we have our 5 th child--ours together--a little girl who is now almost 2. She is in our room along with a home office and it is so cluttered. We have trouble keeping the house clean because of all the clutter--make us disorganized. I am so fed up with this situation. We have been seeing an excellent therapist for 1 and a half years, and there has been some progress--but it has been slow and painful. The underlying problem still exist, still rears it's ugly head at times--that his oldest daughter means more to him than his marriage and his new daughter. I thought it would get better as she got older, but she has been caught with pot 3 times, and is now sleeping around with her boyfriend. She comes and goes (18) whenever and only stays at our house to do her wash and occasionally sleep. He still won't let my boys use her bathroom. She wants to move out, but that means we will have to supplement her as her college fund can't pay for all of it. He insist she should live in a gated apartment complex and she demands a studio for herself, doesn't want to have a roommate. I said "no" to that. I refuse to sacrifice and help supplement for her luxuries. I know my husband loves and respects me. He also respects my values, but when it comes to his daughter, he will side with her and her whims and desires over me. I'm afraid this is just going to get worse as she marries and has children. I secretly hope she will just want to have a career and move off to another city so she can be out of our marriage. I don't dislike her, but I don't like the relationship my husband has with her. I think it is too attached and unhealthy. He should be putting me first now (since she is 18). I'm fed up and don't know what to do. My best advice is to get an excellent therapist and be in if for the long haul. And the next best advice I can give is develop really thick skin and a good sense of humor. My latest quip to my husband is "you can treat your daughter like a spoiled princess as long as you treat me like your QUEEN!!!" Honestly, it wouldn't be so bad if me and my boys didn't feel so deprived!

  • terri

    I did the shopping and cooking for his kids to come for dinner. He seemed off on Christmas eve, thought he was tired and preoccupied about his impending retirement next week, don't I wish. Again, there were undercurrents going on that I knew nothing about. The son was sick, so he didn't come. But the daughter finally called after they were late and then they finally showed up after another 1 1/2. I was mad and thought we should eat without them but no....cause it's about her. While cleaning up the kitchen and fixing his son a to go plate, my husband put an envelope inside his son's bag for the daughter to drop off. It was heavy with money because his son hasn't been working much do to the weather....got to pay his rent to keep the drug addict at bay for another month. Then my ex hubby starts insisting that his daughter take a piece of candy out of his hand. She was refusing it, but he kept insisting to the point that I turned around and caught him giving her money which she quickly put in her pocket and left the room. I asked her how much money he gave her and why? (She's in the process of being garnished for student loans, her car just got out of the shop, and she just moved back in with her hubby cause of the affore mentioned reasons). She denied he gave her money, my ex. started screaming, her hubby started trying to pull her and the kids out the door because I asked about it. I asked her again if it was about the student loans? She looked at the floor her hubby starting at me like what the heck? I told her she better go home and come clean with him...if she didn't I would. They started to leave and I said no please stay....I couldn't wait to leave. Went back a while later to get my presents and wine that I had forgotten. All he could do was stare at the floor. Stupid man thinks I can't see what was happening ten feet from my eyes. I wished him well, have a great life and retirement. Soon the daughter will have to live here, she's in so much trouble that he will have no choice, and he knows it.

  • Invisible-Woman

    Nice to have this opportunity to vent...Here it goes my story:

    My husband has two kids from his first marriage. He lost his wife when they were little, I joined the family years later when the kids were a bit older. I thought I was going to be some sort of 'Maria' from the movie "The Sound of Music" blending beautifully in this family. But... I was trapped into being a mom, a maid, someone to share the burden and nothing else. My husband never really wanted a wife. And he never loved me.

    All along he's being married to his kids, in the sense that they get the best of him, his attention, unconditional love, support, encouragement, devotion.

    We've been together for 6 years now and I just can't take anymore. I dread spending time "as a family" because whenever his kids are around I instantly disappear. When we have meals together he engages in talks and giggles, inside jokes, ignoring me when I make a comment, mocking me to amuse them, and when we go out, it's like I'm not there.

    He's obsessed by his teenager daughter, he lives for her. It's almost like she's the wife and I'm a mere maid. When she is the room, she is the sole focus or his attention, he leaves me talking alone and never shows any affection for me when she's around because she complains.

    I have a baby with him and now I'm forever trapped. Whenever we have an argument he says if I dare to leave him he'll keep my baby and his kids will testify against me, to prove I'm not a good mum. He coaches them on those occasions, saying I'll take their little sister from them so they need to help him to do whatever it takes to keep her.

    So I live this life sentence, knowing I'll never be loved by him, but I'll carry on with this miserable marriage for the sake of my baby daughter.If I lose her... I have no reasons to live.

    I never knew what is to be loved by a man. I prayed for a husband my entire life and I thought I had found love. I left my whole life behind, my family, my job, my country... and now I see I'll never find happiness. My self esteem couldn' be any lower. Being neglected so constantly turned me into a gloomy person. Only my daughter is capable to make me smile.

    My advice to women who still have a choice: Never marry a man with kids. Never. Any childless single man has more potential to love you and build a decent life with you than a father.

  • Terri

    He's just saying those things to manipulate you. I suggest you consult an attorney. He's afraid you'll leave the country and take the child, which will be in your rights if you get full custody. If you aren't saving for a get away, then start now. He's like my husband, they get you to do all the giving up and giving in, then try to make you feel bad if you decide to start sticking up for yourself. Go to the bookstore or online and read Boundaries: in marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud. If you can excercise some of the things in the book you maybe able to make some changes with him. But either way, you will get your self-esteem back.

  • Juls

    Hello invisable Woman! I'm blown away by your post...we are in almost the exact situation! So I wanted to say your are not alone...and I'm always told 'I'm imagining it'...but I'm not and you are not either. Would love to chat- I left California for England 14 years ago, have a 9 year old and three grown stepchildren..probably can be a bit of support to you! Hang in there, Juls

  • Anonymous-23

    Am married to a man with 2 girls 15 and 11, together we v 5 months old boy, m so scared, thou we r not leaving together yet. When he came around, any little thing I say he ll tell me not to destroy his family. And him and his ex wife talk almost everyday on phone. M. So scared

  • Miranda

    I wish I had known this was such a common problem. Until reading online about it I thought it was my imagination or im crazy or selfish . I adore children and have been dying to have my own since I was 16 I am now 25. I have held out until I am married and financially secure. Well something came over me last may and I fell head over heels for someone who was nothing that I ever imagined myself being with, I let all my good judement out the window. He has 3 children from his childhood sweetheart. His 1st he had at 15. His kids are 8, 10 and 15. He is 30. The kids are the usual , dont listen, ignore me constantly talk and compare me to their mother. My husband knows I wanted kids and now he does too...not sure if he really does or just thinks he has to or I will leave him but we have talked and I have come to realize he will always let his guilt towards his other kids treat our future children differently. I just feel like ive waited so that I could give my kids the best but now I wont be able to because his didnt get anything cause as teenagers they didnt know better than to have 3 kids with no$$$. Not my problem. The kids come over 2 nights a week I know this doesnt sound like alot but when I hear of ppl complaining about 1 stepchild that comes over every second weekend or once a week I feel like why?? Even if one of the days they didnt have to sleep over he could just bring them out for an activity. Now I feel like Im being selfish and trying to take a father away from his children so I should leave but I dont know how to tell him. I really love him and He loves me so much I dont want to hurt him..I just know myself as a person I cant handle all the turmoil that is to come..dealing with the ex..she knows how to make him feel guilty,..she tells the kids your daddys gonna leave you blah blah... Im SOOOOOO dam sick of it. I am 25 I still have a chance,,,but its a lose lose situation...cause I love him. I just wish he was different with his kids and didnt have to overdo everything cause he feels guilty for leaving their mother.

  • suzy

    I find myself pulling my hair out with my bloke of six years, who constantly dotes on his daughter and she manipulates him and controls everything down to when he sees me. She is thirteen, he talks about her bodily functions, she sleeps in his bed (not his idea) but he cannot control her so she wins. She hits him even punches him, hates me and wishes I was dead. I dont go out with the two of them anymore I take a back seat because she is a brat and always creates a scene when we are out. He buys her everything and showers her with stuff she probably does need or want. Do get me wrong he is generous with me, but the gifts are not what I want, I want quality time with him. He is always on the phone to her when we are out, there is always a drama he has to sort out when will take up ages of our time. The final straw was last weds he was on phone to me, she came in demandng to speak to him, he asked if her call me back in ten mins, (which happens all the time) he never rang me back for five days and then said he forgot because he had to sort things out with his daughter. When i tell him its over, he begs me to give him time to sort things out, the kids cant help it he says shes been through a lot, Dont know what that is by the way, but I think i been through more.

  • doris

    Is there any husbands out there who love their wives more than there kids?

  • Lori

    Wow, I have read all these comments regarding daughters with their fathers & has it hit home with me. My husband & I have been together for 6 yrs & married for 4. 3 years ago we got custody of his daughter. It has been a nightmare ever since she came to live with us. At 1st, I was happy that my husband was able to have a full time relationship with his daughter & they were just bonding. She was 12 when she came to live with us & is now 15. At 1st, his daughter & myself were very close. I gave her time to settle into our family (she is the only child @ home) but then I could see she was starting to play on her dad. I was not only the step mother, but forced to be the disciplinarian & teacher. My husband will not do anything to punish her. I keep telling him that it's ok to be her friend, but he also has to be her parent. His idea of punishing her when she does something wrong is to explain to her what she did wrong & that's it! Minutes later, they are both giggling & laughing like nothing ever happened. Now that she is getting older, she knows how to minipulate her father into getting whatever she wants. When this happens, I get a look from the daughter like, I got my way again & you & daddy are fighting about it. I really thinks she does things intentional to cause this friction between my husband & I. It's like I have to fight for my husbands attention anymore & the daughter knows this. I can't have 1 minute alone with my husband. EVER...She has to come with us wherever we go. She says she has friends at school, but she never goes anywhere with them, no one calls her and when I ask her "why don't you go do something with your friends this weekend" she tells me she just don't want to go & she is just use to being home with me & her dad. I've tried so many times to talk with my husband about this behavior & that I don't think it is normal. He just thinks I'm jealous of their relationship. Your damn right I am, because I don't have one with my husband anymore! I'm at the point of throwing in the towel because I can't stand being around her anymore. The fact that my husband will not address these issues has also made me question our marriage. I know it sounds bad, but I wish we would have never fought for her in court. Is there any light at the end of this tunnel? I have suggested that we do some family couseling, but my husband refuses...Any advise?

  • Anonymous-24

    We have been in a marriage-like partnership for 15 years and my male companion still hasn't seen the light re his middleage daughter. I regret the time spent with him even though we enjoyed great sex and intellectual stimulation. Get out ladies....put the energy to work on your self. Bad behavior had always been excused by her well-educated parents. Yes, I am the Queen and he does need to get a spine (reference to previous comments.)

  • Joey

    I am going through a very similar situation...

    Yes my daughter comes first. But I have to tell you, being a single father is not easy. I am making decisions that affect her for years to come. I will say, I have not had a terrible situation, my daughter is only 10, but I can tell you what I have run in to.

    I am 39. I divorced my daughters mom when she was 18 months old. Actually, we divorced. We were sweethearts at a very young age. We have a great relationship now. We talk weekly, my daughter is well adjusted.

    My question is..... Would you want to be with a man that put something before his daughter? Would it be different if it was a 12yr birthday party and he decided to go hunting??? Or on a Sunday that she was in a parade... he chose to watch Football???

    I am asking because I am 39, I am a full time Dad, and I have yet to meet a woman that understands my daughter, or ANYONES daughter comes first.

    I am raising a child. I am laying down the foundation that she will follow. Above all else I want her to know that her children are first.

    Please tell me I'm not crazy... if I am... please tell me what you would put ahead of your child....

  • Anonymous-25

    My husband has aways put me on the back burner when his daughter needs him.(Secretiveness). When she has problems mostly money issues he would drop everything and drive in a blizzard to give her what she wants. Would she ever return a favor like a birthday card or a father's day card NO! He would tell me I don't care what you say or what you do in other words she wins me over & over again. I have asked him would she ever go out of her way for you? and no answer. He loves his darling sibling and thats the way it is. I have been very hurt but does he care? nope. So I have to step aside while she gets ger way. There was a remark he told me one day, he said to me if it wasn't for me he would be dead pushing up daisies. I have done my best for both of them but she would not walk a mile for the both of us. I smell jealousy in the air... By the way she is now living what sounds like hit rock bottom. His princess daughter lives right next door to his ex wife. His own grand kids don't even communicate with him that I know of. How sad.

  • Anonomous

    I was beaten up badly by my husband because of his children, i did forgive him after he apologised, but now i and my two boys are in constant fear that when they come and visit again for the school holidays, i will be beaten up again.

  • Anonymous-26

    I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 1 and a half years. We had a perfect relationship until his daughter moved in with him 6 weeks ago. She whines and screams whenever he doesn't do her bidding. He has to give her money every few days, driver her to her friends house, and buy all her underwear at Victoria Secret's (she just turned 16 years old.) She hits the freezer doors at Publix when her father tells her "No" about something. She treats her father like he's a little kid. He does nothing. He also let his Uncle take money from their shared business for about two years and I made him stop letting his Uncle sign checks. The man is a saint. He is funny, sweet, kind but a total spineless jellyfish when it comes to his family. I feel sad, but I know that I can't live with him or marry him because it will be nothing but conflict. I don't want to find a new boyfriend because I love him very much. I guess we will just date and live separate lives. Maybe when his daughter moves out, we can be together but as I've learned from this forum, I will always have separate bank accounts. (lol) :)

  • Dr. Allan N. Schwartz

    I want to address the two last comments at the same time.

    First, in a blended family or a family about to be blended, the children should never be allowed to interfere in the relationship. To postpone a marriage because of a petulant 16 year old is a mistake because it gives the child too much power. I agree that the father should set limits with his daughter. The two of you need to talk about this but, in the end, if he cannot or will not put real limits on her then he might not be the right man for you because he will always allow her to run the show whether she lives with him or not.

    At the same time, any husband who strikes fear into their wife should not be allowed to remain married whether there is an apology or not. My suggestion is to get out now and without looking back. Abuse has no limits and there is no reason to live in fear.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-27

    I am in the same situation but sadly it has taken me 20 yrs to realise that it is never going to change. When i met my husand i was only 18,and he was 32.He had had a cohabiting relationship for 8 yrs with a woman and was seperated 2 yrs when i met him ,He had a nine yr old boy from this relationship.wehad just moved in together when his son came to stay with us for the summer.Naturally he spent all the time he could with him as he hadnt seen him much and i got on with him great.In fact it was during this time that i fell deeply in love with him. Ihad always wanted children and seeing them together made me want it more than ever so much so i fell pregnant 2 months after he came. thats when all hell broke loose.

    we got a msg from his ex that she was moving to england and that she was leaving him with us for a year,she wasnt even gonna say goodbye to him. My husband was consumed with guilt and over compensated so much. He also started drinking quite heavily with the result that i became his sons primary carer .Igave up everything to look after his son while he was at work and while he went out which was quite often.Of course iwas upset ,i was pregnant with my first child and i wanted to share it with him but his son came first.when our daughter was born he was there and what should have been a joyous occasion only served to make him feel more guilty because he had missed his sons birth. i came home from the hospital when my daughter was 2 days old ,tired ,sore but excited and wanting to share every moment with him ,as one does, his son was staying with a friend so we could have some alone time but instead the next day he went drinking and left me alone for 7 hrs . I was 3 miles from the nearest town with no car and no phone with a 3 day old infant trying to get to grips with breastfeeding , i was only 19. Over the course of her first 3 months he barely held her only when he had to and neber in front of his son,he said he didnt want to make him jealous. When his son left to go back to his mother things went from bad to worse. I felt so trapped and i didnt exactly have the most understanding or supportive family so i stuck it out . You learn to make excuses for every little thing , We went on to have 5 more children and it was always the same , he was there but thats all there was so little emotional involvement. The crunch came when his son had a little girl , my husbands first grandchild and he was going over to see them , then suddenly he wanted me to share it with them and i repeat not him but them. This hurt to the core be cause he never shared it with me , we sent ober money to them ,he even wanted to buy his daughter a present ,

  • Candida Abrahamson

    I found Anne's response truly helpful--to an issue that arises quite frequently. I was glad to find this, as I've been working on the topic myself, and linked to this. [Stop by http://candidaabrahamson.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/write-comment-to-my-connections-hes-my-daddy-campaigning-for-attention-in-the-blended-family-new-spouse-vs-children/ to see more ideas--and your name in lights!] Thanks for the insight, Candida

  • Terri

    I applaud you for being a full time father and a great example of parenting that most men in this generation are lacking. However, what you need to understand is the "I got a divorce and feel guilty mentallity" that will as your daughter gets older lead her to manipulate and destroy any chance of having a happy and healthy marriage with anyone else. What most men don't understand is that they need to put their wife first as the bible teaches. It show children that they can't conquer and divide the family. If my husband had followed those principals we would still be together. We are now dating, as he found out when he retired and cut the money train off, his kids have for all intents and purposes abandoned him. No fathers day, birthdays or Christmas, heck they won't even make time to go out to eat if he offers to take them out for dinner because they are no longer able to manipulate in gas money just for showing up for a free dinner? Just bear in mind, this is not a forum for jealous woman.....this a forum for trying to understand the enabling parent, man or woman and how we can come to an understanding on how to blend a family while still maintaining rights to having a private marriage relationship with all the benefits that come with that...............mostly retirement with financial security.

  • concerned

    Husband cheated on me with our own biological daughter - Lannie Thom

    Dear Lannie, there is no such thing as a husband cheating on a wife with their daughter. What you have described is childhood sexual abuse. Your husband is 100% responsible for this, no matter how your daughter has responded to him, and even if she has manipulated the situation to encourage him to side against you. If the authorities decide not to take action against him, what do you think you would want to do about the situation? She is a child and I would ask you to think about how you can protect her from an abusive relationship with her father.

  • Amy

    My husband of less then a year caters to his grown daughter of 35 and granddaughtert of 10. My husband and I decided to take the grandchildren to theme park for a weekend, my step daughter decided to go so I was uninvited. She dont work and lives off a man she does not love which enables her play on her dads simpathy. If my husband has been around his daughter and granddaughter for any length of time he treats me pushes me away as if he dont care. His granddaughter has learned how to manipulate her grandfather to get what she wants when she wants it. He always has an excuse to aviod visiting my children but gets upset if I dont go to a function involving his daughter or grandchildren. My husband tells me its all in my head but my children see if diffently, he has accused me of being jealous of my step daughter. Am I ??

  • Sarah

    I've read most of these comments, and all are similar to my situation. I met my husband 8yrs ago, it was love at first sight. His daughter was about 7yrs old living in an island. Almost five years ago, he tried to bring her to the country. After spending thousands of $$$$$ through immigration her mom refused him a copy of her passport due to a request of paternity test. the girl's aunty brought the whole family to the U.S., and the daughter was also included two years later. Even since they've been in the U.S. my life has been a living hell although she doesn't live with us. He believed everything she said to him. He never speaks to her on the phone when he's at the house. When I ask him about the girl he gets very personal and angry. He doesn't want me to have anything to do with the daughter. The girl came to visit us one time, he took a week off from work so he could take her places. He doesn't take time off from work for me regardless of my situation. He verbally abused me because of her. We have no communication whatsoever, but he would speak to her four to six times daily and spend at least 46minutes per conversation. He doesn't know if I'm alive in the house, he spend all of his money on the girl and her mom. The mother has three other children beside her, and I think he wants to be with the mom because the girl (16yrs old) lives with her mom and the girl said she doesnt want to live with a stepdad or stepmom. I told him to move out, but he refused to. He wants to go back and forth to their house because they live 2hrs away from us, and I told him they should be a boundary since he cattered to the mother and the daughter. He claims that I don't want him to be with his daughter.

  • marie

    I have and am going through this experience. I must say it is not a pleasant one and sometimes I feel as though I am the only one out there that is (of course I know better). I must say I love my husband and my step daughter, but have grown (over the years), to hate this covert incest. Covert incest is what this is, not sexual incest. My husband is emotionally attached to his daughter and she him. It is by no means her fault, but totally his, since he is the adult. From a

  • Chris

    My boyfriend's daughter is 27 and this is STILL happening. She and my boyfriend so emotionally attached to each other that it makes other people in the room with them uncomfortable. They rub each other's backs, she sits on his lap, he's not very nice to me in front of her (he's not mean. He's just not his nice self because she gets mad at him for being nice to other women). They hang out at the bars together, where she hangs on him in front of people. She gets mad if she thinks any female finds him attractive, or hits on him. He told me about six months ago that she is the most important thing in his life, "even more than you are" (to quote him). The next day he apologized and said that came out wrong. I can't, however, get it out of my mind. She's awful. We've been together nine years and we just got engaged. I'm consumed with hatred for her. We've talked about this a few times, but he insists it's completely normal to put your kids first, and your spouse / mate second. I do not have kids, so maybe this is normal. I just don't know. He's also not allowed to answer my phone calls if they're together because she feels neglected. She has had a string of loser boyfriends. She has never had a normal, functional relationship with anyone. She also has no friends because she's extremely bossy. She works for my boyfriend, and she lives in one of the houses he owns. He buys her cars and phones and insurance. I cannot stand her. It gets worse with each passing year. She also hangs on all his friends. It's very disturbing. They're all 40 and 50 year old adult males, and she insists on tagging along with them when they go out and do stuff.

  • lissa

    I'm in the same situation. i'm heartbroken over loosing my husband of 14 years that i loved with all my heart. his daughter really never wanted anything to do with him while growing up. i always begged her to call her dad. never happened unless she wanted something from him. she called last janurary telling him her boyfriend thru her out come get me. he did, and it's been hell ever since. her own mother wants nothing to do with her either. i had a decent relationship with her since she was 3 even with a crazy ex-wife. his ex would call him while we were dating and married and cry to him about her present boyfriend fighting with her and he'd go run to the rescue. i should have known then, something was wrong. when i would ask him about it, he would say, i'm afraid SD will get hurt, but he never once removed her from the situation. my husband has always paid above child support limits for this kid and i have also. she is now 22, works (visits) 15 hrs. a week in a bar, has a severe drinking problem, adhd meds, watches tv 20-24 hrs. a day (rents movies), pays nothing to live there, eats all our food, does not have a license, does no chores at all, has no friends and refuses to work full time, so why would i be upset? me and my husband both work 40 hrs. a week have a nice home and are ready to enjoy our lives. my daughter is 25 works full time, has her own place and friends. i hated to come home from work coz i had no idea what i was coming home to, drunk, guys in the house, her at bar drinking? for 11 months, i've tried, tried, tried, tried to help him understand there was a problem. even couseling for 3 months (couples), but he didn't like hearing what the couselor said so he stopped going. that was the end for me. our friends and family don't like being around her because of her nastyness and it has caused tooooo many problems with husband. so to everyone that sezs it's not going to change, i believe you are so right!! it is killing me to give up the man i loved so much, but for my own sanity i have to. everyone keeps telling me that he will eventually realize what he did was wrong, but for me it is to late. i'm a firm believer that no matter what, your spouse should come first. once spouse doesn't want to hear/talk anymore about the problem-----it's time to leave. be prepared for alot of pain and sorrow, but i'm working thru it now and i know it will get better.

  • Sara

    I'm an adult stepchild, out of the house married on my own. It has been hurting my feelings when my stepmom doesn't want to spend time with me (my biological mom is out of the picture) all I want to do is visit every once in awhile or do girly things with just me and her.

    Should I just stop trying? I feel like if I stay out of the picture in general it would be better. Since I don't have a relationship with my real mom I thought that I'd have another chance, from the looks of this thread I guess I should just leave it alone? Maybe she feels this way. I'd love to have her and my dad over for dinner with my husband and I but she said no :( I don't ask for money and I try to only visit them a couple times a month. What can I do? Am I doing something wrong?

  • lissa

    You sound like a wonderful stepchild, anyone would be glad to have you as their SD. As you can see, i wrote the post below yours. Everything you wrote is what I wanted with my SD. I've been with her since she was 3. That was the life I wanted with her. I want to do girlie things with her, her mother is out of the picture now so I really thought it could happen. But, alcohol, anger and manipulation have taken over.

    So I applaud you for wanting to make the attempt and having a relationship with SM. If she doesn't accept then it will be her loss. I wish you the best!!!

  • Lila Hawthorne

    Nearly 3 years ago I fought to bring our then 14 yr old goddaughter into our home and give her a better education and life.. She was a very sweet and unfortunate child.

    Little did I know it would tear us apart, our marriage was already unstable but we were working on it. Now its gone, She began to cling to him so tight because he was the only stable thing she had ever known. It wasnt bad till this last year. I had seen the attraction to him in her eyes and I told him to watch it but he was so infatuated by the attention she gave him that he did not see it. On her 16th bday this past feb we were going to celebrate and she starts talking to me and asking my why we were stillmarried and why didnt I just let him go and I said we are working on it and that we had been together along time. Then that night she was being her clinging self and I couldn't even sit down next to him, she was there.. Then she confessed to him that she loved him and she didnt see why he was still with me and how mean I was to him and that he didnt deserve it. Him being a good man he told me about it, I was livid I wanted to send her butt back to MO. I should have but him being the caring man blinded by this girl.. Well it only got worse from there he tried to commit suicide or was threatening it. and I went into therapy. Anytime we went out she would be by his side and me with the other two kids. Then he told me at one point this summer I was no longer his number 1 and that I cannot give him the emotional support that she does. Well here it is Jan I have told him where to go and I am in the process of trying to get my children away from it.

  • I wish for a time machine

    Please don't waste your time marrying a man with children or one child! Pay attention to how he talks about his ex, because this is how he will talk about you.

    I will never date another man with children again. I'm in a relationship still, but its quickly coming to a close.

    My story would fill 300 pages! If you are reading this forum, then you must be in pain, emotionally maybe physically.

    It's not the child's fault, don't take your anger out on them. I know what it is like to resent the child, but it is the father's fault for the allowing manipulation, and allowing his child to control your relationship. His excuse- guilt of not seeing her enough. I've tried talking and counseling with no avail. I have even supported him in getting his own place so she has her own space when she visits.

    Big mistake. Now he lives with me, but lives at his own place when she visits. It has made everything worse. When they come over, she now says

  • Maria

    Don't they n know wives are daughters too. They should treat their as they want there daughter to be treated when she grows up and has a home. awful that they say my daughter comes first. I hope they don't expect to come first when there daughter gets married and wishes to be special in her husbands eyes..these men are selfish to both wife and daughter.... There not men....sorry to the guy who said my daughter comes first...well guess what marry ur daughter..........u can make her feel like the precious wife all girls dream of being

  • female

    what can i say ive been married for17 years wee live together for 8 then wee got married during the time my husband raised my 2 kids 6&7 during the time he gave my kids tuff love army stile no love during that time wee were togethet i use to tell him find ur kids he replied i dont know where they at so now my kids r 19 20 so i desided to serch for them i did i found them whst a nigjtmare he took custody of his 2kids n wee had so much problem ever since now meanwile i found his kids n got me kick in the a*s he left me for them now hi lives with his mo n to kids n left me onmyown now he acts like he tells me whaat to do meanwhile he lost it now heis insucure worried that ill find someone can some one tell me whats going in my life .....

  • Roya amiri

    I'm crying because I know this remedy is a dream in my life , my husband is addiction to sacrify our relationship for her daughter and if I say about it that means I'm a bad step mom , I shared this site with him because I don't care anymore about fighting and getting divorce , if I was aware about this addiction , I would never step in this marriage and play game with my own daughter' s emotions and future, I expect my guilty feeling in the future toward my own daughter , because she gets hurt a lot and I'm continuing to this nasty life for affinity that I have about my husband , I hate remarriage

  • Sue

    I have been married for 15 years. My step kids are 34 & 32. My husband is always kind to me, but he loves his kids more than me, for sure. It is not that I am jealous, I just feel not respected. My husband does not like to talk about the rude behaviors the kids have toward me. He says he loves me. How about drawing some boundry lines? I am not asking for him to not love his kids, just stick up for me when the kids are rude to me. This will never change. I am depressed and alone. I am stuck. No hope for happiness. Divorce is not an option for me.

    Don't remarry a man with kids. It is a nightmare. If I ever find myself as a single person, I would NEVER remarry. Rather scrape along than deal with the issues of being unwanted.

  • Belle

    I was engaged for four years. We came into an agreement that we would teach our children to become independent, since they were all over 18 yrs old. I did my end of the deal, I thought he did too. We purchased a house together, his cash, my credit. He kept postponing the wedding, brought his 18 year old son in to live with us (after he beat up the step-dad). I felt the mother created a monster, and now sending him over to us, and the daughter was calling the shots. She called her dad crying "you have to help your son". Hence manipuleted his dad from that day forward. He was smoking pot in the house, bringing the minor girlfriend to have sex in his room, played house with the girlfriend while we were at work, and I had to clean up after him. My fiance never made a stand for me ever! If I'd complain it was a sure fight. I could go on, and on. The daughter behind the scenes would come against me. I could never be first in his life, and I knew it. It wqs not easy, but, I got out of it.

    Needless to say, I lost our house, lost my credit, and for a year I lost my sanity. I was a wreck, heartbroken and with no money. I lost my job. I am slowly picking up the pieces. It was never going to change. His kids were gonna come first no matter what. Now, he wants to come around, still no change. His children are still first. I dedided, no way!

  • Anonymous-28

    If your husband or wife was drowning and your child was drowning at the same time which one would you save first....YOUR child !!!!!!!!!!!!! Grow up damn you.of course they should infact love their child more.YOU would !!!! Switch the situation...your spouse was the step parent to YOUR kids...hmmmmmm what would you do?

  • Kelly Reagan

    OMG, did you really ask the question "does my husband love his daughter more than he loves me"??? The love your husband has for his daughter or any children is totally different than the love he has for you. Do you understand that? That is his child. What kind of man wouls you think he was if he was distant from his daughter and wasn't loving to her. You share (or should ) an intimate relationship with your husband. Your husband and his daughter share a father/daughter bond together. You do Not Ever need to compete for his attention with his child. As adults we should have understand and be mature enough, secure enough to allow our significant other to bond with his children without feeling jealous. To be jealous or feel that his children / daughter are your competition is something you should be concerned about within yourself and possibly seek counseling for - I am not saying this to be rude, but I do feel that the love your husband has for his dsughter is a completely different kind of love he shares with you. And as a mature and emtoionally stable adult, you should know the difference between the two.

  • Anonymous-29

    I have just recently came out of a relationship with a step daughter. She is one spoilt nasty brat, who dad gave into to and let her talk to people like crap! I have 2 daughters of my own but they were nothing like this piece of work. She has always been dad's little brat. She is rude, disrespectful, liar and a thief. she came to live with us, I gave up a full time permanent job that I loved to go and move with him to live with his daughter. Biggest mistake of my life. As soon as I arrived there I was pushed to the side, spoken to like crap from the daughter and she would steal my things and of course father said nothing to her. He gave her everything and did not discipline her at all. She has some serious issues! And now it's all gone to sh*t like I knew it would and know I'm good enough to talk to and try and sort it out. I told him this would happen. I got that bad I attempted suicide and had a nervous breakdown but he was not there for me just for that spoilt brat! how am I supposed to trust him again if he could just kick me to the gutter like that the first time. I love him dearly but am very confused as to what to do? If he could do that once for his daughter he can quite easily do it again but for someone else

  • John

    Of course he loves his daughter more than you. That's the way it's supposed to be. Everyone knows that women love their kids more than their husband, and why should it be any different for men? Jealous of a child - how pathetic! You are selfish and want him all to yourself, even though there is a child who needs him, and even though you would do the EXACT SAME THING if you had a child.

    Now why would he love the child more? Well, let's think about that. She greets him with kindness when he comes home. She doesn't yak incessantly about things he couldn't care less about. She doesn't give him the silent treatment. She's always in a good mood. She doesn't nag him. She doesn't put him down and embarass him in front of others, then act surprised that he doesn't appreciate it. She doesn't make endless demands. She's actually satisfied with all the things he does for her.

    You, on the other hand, do all of these things. How do I know? Because you're a woman, and all woman treat men like crap. You have some nerve, demanding his complete attention while you go on using him and putting him down. Why don't you do him, his daughter, and all men everywhere a favor and just leave. Just go away. That's all we ask ... just leave us alone.

  • kat

    I'm sorry you have to go through that. She sounds like a spoiled brat. Break up with his a*s. When he wants sex, tell him to call his daughter since she's his number 1....

  • Melissa

    You should be ashamed of yourself being jealous of a child! Intead of "competing," create a schedule with your husband and let him know you'd like more quality time. Stop trying to say "who does he love more." It's not a competition! Love is everflowing and there is plenty to go around. THe issue is communicating with your husband, not her. That "sports-aholic" thing is silly. So what? Good for her. In fact, you could go as well! You can develop a relationship with both of them. Have you considered that? You'd gain a lot of time trying to incoporate into a large family dynamic. You're wasting more energy worrying about what he's doing for her and being in competition with his child instead of just being in a loving relationship and becoming a functioning and communicative family.

  • Sick and Tired!!

    Reading all of these stories and shaking my head. Well here is my story. My husband had three kids with his first wife but found out 19 years later that he was not the biological father of two of the kids I understand that in a sense he is their father because he raised them but it's crazy because the two that are not his biologically has never liked me he has to make them speak to me and when I tell my husband anything about them he gets mad. I am so sick of these children they only call when they want something all they wanna do is use him and he can't even see it. I'm fed up and I'm tired of trying to get along with these kids, enough is enough. It has been a living hell and seems like it got worse after the DNA results, another sad thing is they still don't know who their biological father is either she don't know or she just refuses to tell them. All the years we've been together he has never gotten a single gift for birthday, Father's Day, Christmas nothing but will call and say what they what when their birthday and holidays come around, oh and they don't want him to have a relationship with his biological daughter, jealous of that. Somebody help me please. I have spoken with these kids several times and said to them

  • Jane

    It is absolutely all right to want the attention of your husband. You met him, fell in love with him and trusted him to protect you and respect you and fulfill your needs and wants, just like you would do for him. No you shouldnt have to "schedule" alone time with him. That is not a healthy marriage!! If he can have sex with you then he can make you his priority! You deserve to be given all cause you make so many sacrifices as a step mom. If he cant give you what you need and want then he shouldnt marry someone while his kids are still young.

    I wish you the best.

  • Sri

    Hi all thus is Something strange but it has given me lots of frustration during past 4 years which I hate even to think. when my husband and I got married he was a widower which his ex committed suicide. They have adopted my husband niece because they didn't have their own kids. But as I have gathered from my hubby and others my husband's ex didn't want to adopt this child but as she didn't want to hurt my husband she hasn't said anything but this has been put them on discussion and disagreements very often by then. but because she couldn't have kids and my husband really love kids she had to keep quiet and watch.

    my husband and this child are together they kiss hug and do all sorts of weirded things which I even hate to see and it make me very uncomfortable and I have no patients on it. some times it looks like these two are husband and wife. Disgusting.

    i can imagine how it would have been to his ex wife.

  • Pregnant & Confused

    Here's my story, should I be concerned?

    I have been married for 7 years and recently my 14 year old daughter ( previous marriage) has been causing issues between my husband and I. She has become very sexual as teenagers do but she directs it towards him. He believes that she is just wanting daddy attention she's not getting from her biological but I believe it's more. His actions are along those lines but she is making me somewhat jealous. She will come cuddle with him the way a girlfriend would and when I try to get in some cuddle time she forces herself to gain more attention by acting out or putting on something very provocative where her breast are hanging half out. On certain days she follows him around like a sick puppy and runs and jumps, nearly knocking him over, to get a hug then hangs on for ten minutes. She's never more than 3 feet away from him. She loves it when he lays on her leg or belly to watch tv and she strokes his hair. She flaunts herself around all the time, dresses in front of him, and has even suck her boobs in his face. He's trying to be the sad she wants but sometimes it feels like he allows it. He'll give her those slight touches as he walks by or squeeze as she stands close. She'll even come stand between us when we're talking and he'll put his arm around her. I feel like the jealous wife and she's the mistress he has all the fun with. Our sex life has dramatically changed because of this. He doesn't touch me any more, doesn't hold me when we sleep, and is generally angry with me because I have these feelings. I am so confused as to whether I should worry or if they are just pregnancy hormones on overdrive. I know there is and never will be anything sexual between them but why am I having these feeling. He always takes her side when I try to talk to him about my feeling and how her and his actions hurt me and make me feel uncomfortable but we end up in an argument because I'm jealous. What do/ should I do to get him to understand my feeling or at the very least respect them?

  • Michelle

    I know all of these post are old, but the problem will always exsist! My husband, of not even a year yet, and his 19 year old daughther moved in with me 6 months ago. He treats her like a little baby. She can do NO wrong. She doesn't clean, she doesn't do dishes unless she is asked. She works at night, and sleeps during the day if she's not at school. So he tells me this particular evening to not slam the the door, because its waking her up! Excuse me? I pay the bills up in here, and if she doesn't like how I shut the door, she can move out. He doesn't even want her to stay alone in the house by herself while we are away. She's 19 going on 20 for goodness sakes! She's an adult! Normal parents would be pushing children at this age to prepare themselves to move out. He doesn't want her to go anywhere. He even took her to but new shoes! At 19? I was buying my own shoes at this age, and my mother wasn't taking me! I drove myself! She has a car, that he bought her when she turned 16. He went to the store to buy her windshiled wipers. I asked him, does she not know to get those changed when she gets her oil changed? He tells me, no she doesn't. Well, as a man, arent you supposed to tell her these things? He gets mad at me!! Enabler is what I call this! She made the statement that she will NEVER leave her father! I beieve that she will always live with hime, and he will never let her leave. I told him in a very detailed letter that I was not happy and that I refuse to allow a 19 year old to live any way she wants to in my home. Her room was nasty, clothes EVERYWHERE, toliet nasty!! I wasn't having it. Everytime I say something about her, he feels as though I'm atttacking her, and he needs to make excuses for her. I feel like what I say to him is of non importance. If she works and goes to school, he talks about how he's not going to see his baby for 1 entire day. What in the world? 1 day? Seriously? But I'm wrong for saying this. My thought is, please allow your children to grow up. Its bad enough that young people thinks that someone owes them something. They need to be taught responsibilities, and to be pushed in the right direction. He finally made her clean her room, ( why would you throw your clotes on the floor at 19?) This is after I told him," Just like you told me, I don't live here alone, well neither does she!" I feel that I will always be second to her, and he doesn't even realize what he's doing is tearing our relationship apart. I believe that I will always have to compete for his attention and love.

  • Anonymous-30

    This is happening with our family. We're not raising step children but we have a six year old and a three year old. My six year old manipulates my husband all the time! For example tonight I told her to lay down and go to sleep and she threw a huge fit and my husband told me to stop being a b*tch and how can I just tell her to go to sleep and don't I love her and now he's laying in her bed with her! I am so pissed off right now because she is SIX! She can sleep in her own bed and she only throws these fits because she knows that my husband will leave our bed and go in there. Leaving me alone and feeling down and it's just complete bullsh*t. I love my daughter but yes she does do these things in spite of me and we're always butting heads and it just makes me so angry that I feel like I should compete for his attention. In the bible it says god then uour spouse then Your kids and in my house it's NEVER that way. I just wish for once in his life he would just choose me our daughter is exhausting and she can cry it out once in a while she will be just fine! No matter what I do or say she just screams because she knows my husband will take her side and baby her. I hate feeling this way and my husband is tearing me apart from my kid and my kid is tearing me apart from my husband.

  • Anonymous-31

    Look a daugter needs her dad to be there for her. Maybe in the beging of the relationship it was the other way around and you had all the attention and she didnt. You need to take some steps back and give them thereDADDY DAUGHTER TIME. When his SWEET daughter isnt around you could go on a date one in a while. She could be uncomfortable with her dad with a different woman and not being her mom. You could talk to her and make her feel comfortable. Whats wrong with a daughter spending time with her dad that she LOVES. Even if she is taking him away from you shes uncomfortable with eather some actions YOU DID OR SAID. Just Talk to her

  • Anonymous-32

    Husband has 2 sons (teens) Eldest one is now almost 20. In the 6 years we have been together the eldest boy has never received any consequence from my husband. We shall call him Princess Boy because this lad acts like a princess and treats all husbands gifts with contempt "But that's just the way he is" (husbands excuse, when I pointed it out)

    I have warned husband for 3 years that Princess Boy will demand daddy visits him alone because I saw that train coming way down the track when husband refused to offer any consequences regardless of Princess's behavor and now we find ourselves teetering on the verge of Princess Boy doing exactly that. Husband will even acknowledge that this looks like Princess Boy's next step.

    Contrast this starkly with Bad Boy the younger boy who has had consequences, who is discplined - he wears the title of Bad Boy because we all hear from extended family is how Princess Boy is so good and Bad Boy is so bad. Bad Boy has behaved badly but has sorted himself out and is in my opinion Pleasant Boy.

    Princess Boy has Daddy by the balls. It makes my husband less attractive to me (sex life has bombed) and now we watch to see if my husband will regain his balls to tell Princess Boy "No" when he demands daddy visit him without me. At the moment Princess Boy is just refusing to meet up with his father, cost us a hotel when he agreed to meet but didnt. No consequences there from daddy yet again.

    I wish these men would not re-marry until they are ready to parent as they are doing no-one any favors. I would never marry a divorced father again and plead single women out there look closely at whether a man parents before jumping into bed with them. If he excuses rather than parents RUN!

  • Loll

    Hi, I am 26 and my partner is 9 years older than me with a 8 year Old daughter. We have only been a couple for 18 months and I used to look after his daughter from birth due to my profession. But now... I feel like a jealous kid! Whenever she is here ( every fortnight and holidays) I feel like I don't exist. He pays all her attention to her which I completely understand but..why can't he give me a kiss or cuddle every so often as reassurance that he knows I'm still there!!! I love my step daughter, but she also winds me up when he isn't in the room and doesn't see what she does and says to me, I know it's pathetic but I feel like...lonely and I'm not there :( I miss the spark of me and my partner and the fact we were so "can't keep hands off each other" at the start, I try but he seems to change the subject and I'm scared. hes not the most romantic of guys but he used to be more "hands on" than "hands off" . Im not stupid either and know what some women can be like and need attention 24/7 but I want him, I want us back, and to finish this story, I ended a 8yr relationship to be wih him and he doesn't seem to get that.

  • Kimberly

    I was trying to find something online close to my situation. My husband and I adopted a girl who was 11, now almost 14. It has been nothing like a thought. Due to her issues and for whatever reason, although adopting her was my idea, she came into the home hating me. My husband says she hates me because she felt abandoned by the women that had been in her life. I love her and always will, and do what I need to, to gain her love and trust.

    the problem has been , she "competes" with me for my husband. I try to explain to her that no one can take her place ever as his daughter and that she needs to quit trying to take my place. She has even written me notes saying she wants me gone and wants it to be her & him. She's done so much, you just wouldn't believe it.

    Here is where it hurts though. This has caused stressed in what use to be for 18 years the best marriage ever, now going on 21 years. My husband is so cruel to me in front of her and has told me he quit caring about me, threatens divorce, has tried to throw me out, and yells and belittles me in front of her. While all the time she keeps doing stuff and loves the trouble. I know this isn't good for her and am trying to show her how to be normal but this has destroyed my marriage and it's horrible. I've reached the point where sometimes I want out! But my husband leaves me dangling and changes later after brutalizing and blaming me for everything and says he doesn't want a divorce. It's been so bad. Any advice?

  • Anonymous-33

    My husband and I have been married for 16 yrs and just a few months back he started talking to his daughter she was adopted by her step dad when she was 11 and we have not seen her since she was 3 till just recently myhusband started talking to her on Facebook and now they talk once in a while but he has done nothing but lie to me about everything about her its like i dont exist anymore he was acting like he was having a affair not talking to his daughter I was in the hospital with a serious liver kidney issue and he came up the first night he left went to dinner and a movie with her and her fiance then the next day he came up and went shopping and said he would bring me something back well he did no cause he had her with him and didnt want to buy me anything in front of her so bought her some stuff and he wont answer my calls or messages when he is with her i was and still am so angry I have not got to see her yet since they started seeing each other again she is 19 and I think its cause her mom hates me and so the daughter wont see me but my husband needs to learn to stick up for me its destroying our marriage. The other night he told me he dont think its going anywhere which i know it wont or guess should say pray it dont i dont want the drama from her mom which its coming the daughter is alreadg mom wrote you a letter for you and so on I am so confused and upset. I Love this man he has been my whole life and now i have been kicked to the curb I cant live with the lies he hides his cell phone so i cant see the messages its a joke and i know sshe dont want that much to do with him other than get a hand out once in a while when i was in the hospital drs were talking to him and he was sitting there testing here and the dr asked did you hear what i said my husband looked up and said huh when the dr was saying i was closer to death than eather if us realized. Not sure how much more i can take but i dont want to leave just dont want to live with a bunch of lies advice please

  • Texas Belle

    all of you people who are knocking this poor woman, degrading and yelling at her are disgusting.

    Yes these are two different kinds of loves and normally this wouldnt be an issue but the relationships depicted here are not healthy and are not being maintained as they should. Personally I would tell my husband to come legit and grow up or be out and find a real man.

    Children do not run the household... EVER. You and your husband rule the household, together, as a unit, putting each other and your relationship first. That does not mean the children are second class citizens by any means but they are to know that your relationship is the head of house and to be respected. No it doesnt matter that you were not the original wife or biological mother of his children.

    Yes I think you should go to games and be involved. It IS lot of work. But it is important to show your children (she is your child now too) you love and support them and are proud of them. However, your entire life should not revolve around them. This is a huge mistake. Not only does it make them feel like they run the household and are the end all be all of your little world but it sets them up to fail as adults. It also sets your marrige up to fail. Each should be given the time needed to nurture and grow.

    Second, when you REALLY fall in love with someone I think that is it. Yes he is a parent who will always love his children with an incredibly enourmous and indescribable love and while it may come close and the needs of his children have to be put first a lot (because you are a grown ass woman and can meet most of your own) the love for your soulmate is insurpassable. Unfortunately, I dont think he is that for you. I am with a wonderful man who is a great father. I have a sweet and talently 12 year old stepdaughter. We flourish as a family. Love abounds. We spend quality time and nourish our bonds. However, my husband and I love each other more than anything and anyone. When the lights go out WE share a bed. When decisions need to be made WE make them together. When he needs advise and support I am the one to give it to him and vice versa. WE are building a stable home for her. WE will be left when she leaves this home to find her own true love. WE will be there for each other when we grow old and eventually die. And I am happy she can witness this so that when she grows up she knows how a relationship is supposed to work and wont settle for any man who doesnt put HER first.

    Go out and get what you need and want LW. You only have one life. Good luck!

  • Anonymous-34

    My husbands daughter moved in with us 11 months ago since she was removed from her home (mother neglected her kids). Since she has moved in, my husband has completely neglected our son (his biological son too) and mistreats me. He has allowed her to abuse my 5 lb chihuahua, emotionally abuse my son, and disrespect all of our house rules. We have installed cameras due to her not being trusted to be alone, changed our master bedroom door lock and completely changed our way of living. I live in constant fear and paranoia. I cannot continue to live like this, whenever I have expressed my feelings to him he has either disregarded my feelings or kicked ME and OUR son out of OUR home. She is constantly manipulating and crying victim to him. She has expressed that she hates our son and is envious of him. My husband has gone as far as to tell me that he would rather see his son every other weekend then have her move in with her step dad (that raised her) because he cannot bear the thought of not seeing her every day. I have lost so much respect for this man and feel that I dont even love him anymore. If I leave, my son will be raised without his dad but staying in this house, I feel that he already doesnt have a one. I depend on him financially since I quit my job and moved to another city to have him follow and support his career. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Every day that I see her face , i feel more angry and resentful. I am falling into depression and dont know how to pull myself out of it.

  • Amreen shaikh

    I am suffering i feel suffocateD.. leading to suicide tendancies.. I got married to my husband 2 yrs bak.. He dint discuss his relationship wid his daughter to me. How his daughter was phsyco n a grown up woman already.. For her age she was way to agressive n possesive abt his father.. My husband has insulted me abused me.. Hurt me mentally n physically.. For them physical intimacy is very imp.. He nags like a woman. If we try to discuss abt his obsession.. Hia daughter jst wants to b around us.. Not giving us time to evn talk comfortably.. I want to divorce him.. I love him a lot.. Bt itz jst tht he never gave me respect a wife deserves.. He evn ignores my 2 month old son for his evil daughter.. Never never never marry a man with a daughter... U may evn commit suicide seeing the obsession

  • tina watson

    i get what you are going through and understand 100% im in the same situation but its my step son.

    what you ppl say is wrong no she dont need to back off at all

    she like me has tried everything i bet to gain just one tiny bit of attention from the man who vowed to love her for the rest of her life ! as do i .

    but they give every waking hour to there kid and whren that kids not there you still dont get atention from the husband .

    i have tried everything just like her to get everyone to get along and do things as a family and that still does not work its all and allways about one kid no one else ever no matter what .

    its not that anyone hear dont want them to have a father child relationship the more the better as far as i and i guess all is concerned all anyone is trying for is a little bit of love and attention that is all full stop but when you walk around all day as though you dont excist its hard to understand how they can push you aside and yet have so much atention for someone else if they have even 5 minuits or the women they vowed to love for ever all would be perfect but they dont all they do is blame you and fuss over the kid its wrong and those of you who dont understand what we are going through obviously has not experianced this so untill you do shhhhhh!!!

  • Kim

    I don't think there would be any question of the love your husband has for you if he was doing what he was supposed to do in the relationship and in some cases as well as you. In the bible you are supposed to put each other first because that love is not unconditional. Therefor it's a love that has to be nourished and constantly worked on. The love between a parent and a child is unconditional and doesn't require the work like a relationship does. It is absoloutely healthy for a child to see their parent/parents show healthy love in a relationship. That will teach them the type of relationship they will want in their future. Parents will always love their children no matter what so it's very important you put work into your relationship with your spouse to make it last. But it's not to say you neglect your children either.

  • Amyjoe505

    I came across this site because I too, am in a relationship with a man whom I adore but have been trying to deal with these same issues. We both were previously married (15+ years) he has a 21 year old daughter. I have two children, daughter 13 and son 9. We have been together for over 5 years and I thought the relationship would get better but it seems that my feelings of loneliness and resentment are getting stronger because of his relationship with his adult daughter. He constantly is touching his her, not sexual advances but always hugging, cuddling on the couch and rubbing her thigh as she wraps her arms around him and rests her head on his shoulder. When they walk together, we places his hand in the small of her back. He used to sleep in the same bed with his her and asked me to sleep in the spare room. I am not confrontational so I did but it made me so very upset! As it kept happening (the sleeping thing) I told him that it was not appropriate for him to be sleeping with her, that she is a grown woman and should sleep in her own bed. As do my children, 13 and 9, who are CHILDREN. He disagreed with me and saw nothing wrong with it, actually said he has no regrets and he's sure his daughter doesn't either but did stop doing it... Now, I am dealing with the fact that when she comes and visits, he dwells over her.... always touching.. and I get pushed aside. He shows me no attention at all. He does not treat my children like he treats his daughter and I don't want him to either. It sends the wrong message. It too much!! I have a hard time understanding their relationship because my father adored my mother and showed us children that a parents bond is the best for a healthy family. I am amazed at the remarks on here about, fathers are supposed to treat there daughters better... WHAT?????? Thats crazy! You want to show your children, all of them, girl or boy, that you love them unconditionally and that you are always there for them but never throw your spouse to the side. Don't you understand that by doing that, you are showing the child that a husband and wives bond is not of an importance. Don't you want your daughter to grow up and get married and have a loving bond with her husband and children. Not be thrown aside by her husband when they have a child of their own. Thats exactly what your showing her. You give her all the attention as a child and then when she gets married she will be miserable because her husband favors their daughter more. Thats wrong! Everyone one deserves to be loved. Husbands, wives and children!! Parents must remember that one day their children will grow up and have a family of their own and if your love for you spouse if not strong, your relationship will end and you will be alone! I am hoping that my boyfriend will soon come to his senses and realize the importance of a parents bond!

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