Major Depression And Other Unipolar Depressions

This section will focus mainly on Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), commonly referred to as "Major Depression" or simply, "Depression." Other mood-related conditions will be explored, including Bipolar Disorders, Dysthymic Disorder, Anxiety Disorders, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Mood Disorder Due to a General Medical Condition, Substance-Induced Mood Disorders, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Personality Disorders. This section will discuss historical understandings of depression, current biological, psychological, and social interpretations, and a range of available treatments. Use the sidebar to explore all of these topics.

  1. Depression is More Than Just Sadness
  2. Depression is Complex and Affects Many Areas of Life
  3. A Continuum of Mood States
  4. Depression Has Widespread Effects
  5. Understanding Depression

Depression is More Than Just Sadness

Woman paranoidEveryone has days where they feel blah, down, or sad. Typically, these feelings disappear after a day or two, particularly if circumstances change for the better. People experiencing the temporary "blues" don't feel a sense of crushing hopelessness or helplessness, and are able, for the most part, to continue to engage in regular activities.

Prolonged anhedonia (the inability to experience pleasure), hopelessness, and failure to experience an increase in mood in response positive events rarely accompany "normal" sadness. The same may be said for other, more intense sorts of symptoms such as suicidal thoughts and hallucinations (e.g., hearing voices). Instead, such symptoms suggest that serious varieties of depression may be present, including the subject of this document: Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) or (more informally), Major Depression.

Depression is Complex and Affects Many Areas of Life

For people dealing with Major Depression, negative feelings linger, intensify, and often become debilitating.

Major Depression is a common yet serious medical condition that affects both the mind and body. It is a complex illness, creating physical, psychological, and social symptoms. Although informally, we often use the term "depression" to describe general sadness, the term Major Depression is defined by a formal set of criteria which describe which symptoms must be present before the label may be appropriately used.

Major Depression is a mood disorder. The term "mood" describes one's emotions or emotional temperature. It is a set of feelings that express a sense of emotional comfort or discomfort. Sometimes, mood is described as a prolonged emotion that colors a person's whole psychic life and state of well-being. For example, if someone is depressed, they may not feel like exercising. By not exercising for long periods of time, they will eventually experience the negative effects of a sedentary lifestyle such as fatigue, muscle aches and pains, and in some cases, heart disease.

A Continuum of Mood States

Many people are puzzled by the term "Unipolar Depression," which is another term for Major Depression. The term "Unipolar Depression" is used here to differentiate Major Depression from the other famous sort of depression, Bipolar (or Manic) Depression, which is a separate illness.

It is helpful to think of mood states as occurring on a continuum. During a particular day or week, people can shift from good (or "up") moods, to bad (or "down") moods, or remain somewhere in the middle ("neutral" mood). A person who experiences significant impairment related to shifting between up and down moods often has Bipolar Disorder (discussed in more detail later). Bipolar Disorder can be envisioned as a seesaw movement back and forth between two poles or mood states ("bi" means "two"). In contrast to people with Bipolar Disorder, people with Major Depression remain on the down mood pole; they do not exhibit mood swings. Because they are stuck on the down or depressed end of the mood continuum; they experience a unipolar ("uni" means "one") mood state.

Depression Has Widespread Effects

Mood disorders rank among the top 10 causes of worldwide disability, and Major Depression appears first on the list. Disability and suffering is not limited to the individual diagnosed with MDD. Spouses, children, parents, siblings, and friends of people experiencing Major Depression often experience frustration, guilt, anger, and financial hardship in their attempts to cope with the suffering of their friend or loved one.

Major Depression has a negative impact on the economy as well as the family system. In the workplace, depression is a leading cause of absenteeism and diminished productivity. Although only a minority of people seek professional help to relieve a mood disorder, depressed people are significantly more likely than others to visit a physician. Some people express their sadness in physical ways, and these individuals may undergo extensive and expensive diagnostic procedures and treatments while their mood disorder goes undiagnosed and untreated. As a result, depression-related visits to physicians account for a large portion of health care expenditures.

Understanding Depression

Although the origins of depression are not yet fully understood, we do know that there are a number of factors that can cause a person to suffer from depression. We also know that people who are depressed cannot simply will themselves to snap out of it. Getting better often requires appropriate treatment. Fortunately, there are a wide array of effective treatments available.

The current section provides an in-depth look at Major Depression by summarizing symptoms and diagnostic criteria, prevalence and course, historical and contemporary understandings of the causes of the illness, and assessment and treatment. Use the sidebar to explore all pages in this section.

This TED Ed video, by Helen M. Farrell, talks about the symptoms, possible causes, and some available treatments for depression:

  • Dante


    If this is how you feel, and you can't talk about it to someone you know- I just want you guys to know that you don't have to be alone, you can write to me, just to talk. Eventhough I'm not some type of professional, I am a psychology student at York University.

    good luck,


  • moira

    that is sweet of you,

  • DKB

    I have been told that I suffer from manic depression and that I am bi-polar, but I have never felt any of the highs that are associated with that. Perhaps I need to see if the doctor could change his opinion to unipolar.

    BTW - my insurance is considering whether or not they will permit me to retain their coverage so have been without my cymbalta for nearly two weeks and the depression is horrible as well as dizziness, nausea, etc. Think I am going through withdrawal, huh?

  • Jessica

    I think i have MDD, yet my mother dose not even care and when i tell her how i feel, she just says "well sry u feel that way" and dose nothing, iv tried killing myself, i need help and idk what to do......

  • response

    don't give up jessica. you're mom might not be able to understand you, but many people can and will...and they will help you, too. please go find some professional help...for all of us sufferers of depression. i know how you feel...please please take care.

  • JAz

    Works like a charm: Print this article out and leave it on a table for her to read.

  • Anonymous-1

    I'm not sure what I'm suppost to say about it other then the fact that I always seem to be upset and having days were I want nothing but to end my life.

    I just want to be able to talk to someone about it without feeling stupid or like a idiot.

    My friends are not the type to talk to about it because they have no idea what to say or how they can help me and I just wish I had the ability to be able to get over this but its been about three years now since I've been really happy and every time I smile its one of those fake smiles just to hide what I'm really feeling.

  • Anonymous-2


    this is difficult for me as i have never been diagnosed proffessionally regardless in my effort to seek help when feeling alone with overwhelming sadness. i look back on life and as far as i can remember felt this emptiness and feelings of detachment for many years. it is uplifting to know there is help and support from people who share the sme emotions.i recon i m bipolar and hope to learn a lot more from this has been an insperation

  • Chuck

    Thanks, I really need the help and I could not Find it on my own.

  • Anonymous-3


    I am the victim of profound bullying in relation to custody for my son. I have been stripped of all parental rights and as a ploy of the false accusations to which I have been subjected is the effort on my ex's dysfunctional, narcissistic, anti-empathetic cruelty to abdicate her responsibility for the harm she is causing (psychologically, emotionally, professionally, financially, and residentially) by accusing me of being mentally ill. Further, instead of protecting me and my son from the horror of this person, the family law courts have empowered her to do so by denying me due process throughout this entire five year ordeal.

    The mental health profession, in turn, has added to this persecution by failing to look at the reality of my situation which demands unhappiness and a sesnse of persecution by anyone and has falsely diagnosed me with depression and PTSD.

    I have four questions: 1. Please offer a referral to a mental health professional who has expertise in bullying and can identify the wrongness of what is being done to me as opposed to trying to falsely find what is wrong with me, which only adds to the hurt and pain, as well as further bury me in the falseness which keeps me from obtaining custody of my son for his and my benefit of our relationship and to save him from the horror of humanity as embodied in his mother and her family. 2. What is wrong with the mental health profession for its failure to train its clinicians to identify victimization as opposed to mentally ill? Ten percent of those persons who threaten or attempt suicide are NOT mentally ill (according to the American Psychological Association of course, reflective of their failure to comprehend victimization, they state "90% of people who threaten or attempt suicide have a diagnosable mental illness at the time of the incident"). I would estimate that this would be even greater if the profession had the criteria and skills to not label victims of perpetual psychological and emotional persecution as "depressed" either through the experience of stressors or bio-chemically. 3. Do you know of a lawyer who has expertise in bullying victimization, especially one who wants to establish equal parenting rights to prevent the bullies from ever having the opportunity to inflict their harm? 4. How does a person obtain an accurate diagnosis of not being mentally ill and get their name cleared for future legal and professional purposes?

    Thank you!

  • broken hearted

    I just broke up with my girlfriend who I have been living with and going to school with. We fight all the time about how we don't understand each other and she is moving out in a month.  We are both art students and she is a really happy person over all.  I feel like it is my fault that we've been fighting so much, and it really is horrible because she is sooo amazing to me some times.  I don't know if it's just because we are both imature or if we are not meant to be together.  Since I came to school I have become increasingly depressed and nervous.  I don't know why.  I've seen a number of different phycologists and lost most of my friends.  After school today I just broke down, I can't do it anymore and I am so comforted by peoples stories,  I think it doesn't make me feel any better but when I know that people are experiencing the same things as me there is some relief.  After reading that article and it said that the number one cause of phycological illness was depression it made me wonder why everyone is so depressed?  I would think that it has something to do with the expectations that our culture puts on us but how do we solve that? That is why I started making art in the first place, because it was a way out of that.  It made me feel good again and not like just some guy that was born and would die.  I want to make a difference in the world, and I just can't do it when I feel like this.

  • edie

    i dont know what i have but will explain my feelings and maybe someone will know. i am affraid of elevators and closed spaces for many years but now something worse is happening.

    since my ma had an accident i am allways scarred something can happen to her. ifshe calles a few min. to late my fears are so bad i think my heart will explode. i cant talk myself out of it. HELP

  • alex


    I just wanted to say my situation is very similar to Chucks, regarding being bullied over custody and visitation issues with his son for the past five years. I have two young daughters, five years older now. The narcissistic tendencies of his wife, particularly the bullying and feigning innocence regarding her own mind-blowing thoughts, words and actions is dead on. Her NPD appears to be generational on her father's side of the family. Her father's sister did the same thing to her husband the generation before, in the same county I might add.

    The huge difference between Chuck and me is this: I have had relatively mild but chronic depression since childhood, which I consider a more clinical and treatable condition, but the treatment got me in bigger trouble with the ex five years ago, so I stopped the meds altogether. While the loss of my children has been like pouring salt in a wound as I am now caught in a more serious and pervasive depression compounding the issue that I believe is much more situational, thanks in great part to the legal industry having financial motive to perpetuate such issues, as do most industries...

    As for due process, when children are involved due process is simply a luxury few can afford, regardless of the situation and the inevitable accusations. In fact, a mother's best weapon today is to make the accusation that the father is a pedophile, because it heightens the emotions of people well beyond any reasonable desire for proof to the contrary, as if this is actually possible, which it's not, not really. I think this one rumor has affected my employability in this fairly small town more than I could have imagined, since I grew up in a very large city. There is no help available in this state for this situation that I have come across intentionally or not. Best luck to you Chuck. I can relate. I hope you can find help where you're at. Alex.

  • shatteredwoman

    I have ocd when I was young . I developed panic attacks where i felt i was goin to have a seizure or something worse. i had a long struggle with addictions during the years I am 32 now after the years or abuse or substances. I had some horrible experiences in my life where i was hit i the head with a six by six wood attacked by a bully which been harrashing me for years and his friends. I had used drugs to cover and numb the pain i was going through. my head never was the same , i felt so scared and alone wanted someone to just accept and love me . but I have felt always like i had peices of me everywhere. Im trying to go back to school and fulfil my dream because a fashiondesigner which i know at least i am good at that. I go to school do good for awhile and get easily hurt and humilated by the teachers , cause i missed too much time and am afraid to tell them how depressedi am, i don't want to leave my apartment,it's sometimes hard to get ready and see people and do my schoolwork, my anxiety of being harrashed, made fun and feel too ugly fat and stupid at times even though i know and am talented i just get so overwhelmed and stresses out , and hurt by others acting too good for anyone I know i shouldn't let them get to me but they don't help the way i feel, i ant to die but im scared to hurt myself i want to succeed but can't stop myself from being afraid. i have bad moodsswings sometimes hyperhappy to super depressed hopeless and really sad..I am taking 50 mg of paxilcr and feeel this bad still please someone help me

  • dawn elkins


  • charlie

    Hi Dawn

    I can relate to some of what you are saying, the feelings parts and lifestyle effects although the causes are different. If youd like to get in touch it would be nice to hear from you.

  • Art O'Shea

    Hope is what I offer. I have had MDD since 1994 when I had my third psychotic break and remained there for 13 years. I am 60 now and killed the main demon and his girlfriend in a night terror in February 2006 with their own weapons.

    I no longer have command hallucinations. I have been reading the Bible almost every day since 1968. At the onset of the third psychotic break I could barely read books, but pressed on.

    I begged my psychiatrists and conselors for a group session and was told that people with my disorder don't attend.

    I lost my construction corporation, my home of 20 years, my wife of 35 years but...I read and wrote. I forced myself to.

    I became homeless in 2000 and was finally graced with SSDI

    Last year our book The Stone Soup Proposal was printed you can download it for free at it offers a lot of hope and answers to a lot of questions.

    This year Police Problems I & II will be published. They are a chronicle of my life, how I was a dealer and found the Lord and how He allowed me to thrive under attacks.

    When first diagnosed my psychiatrist gave me information on Major Depressive Episode with Psychotic features, I found out that after a third break after the age of 40 there was only one chance in ten of recovery.

    It can and does happen. Sure, I have suicidal ideation but hey, I'm still here. I hope this helps.

  • Donna

    I need HELP!! I am losing my husband of 17 years. And I'm losing my kids as well. I have been depressed for some time now. It is killing me. My husband gave me my papers the other day. I have hit rock bottom and all I want is to DIE!!!!

  • Anonymous-4

    For Donna and everyone else out there, I learned a really great technique to release some of that tension...Take a very deep breath and hold it in...count down five seconds very very slowly...when you reach zero let out your breath slowly...... do this everytime your agitated, it will relax you and make you aware of your body.....

  • Anonymous-5

    I think I might be Depressed or cyclothmia, becuse I have ups that last me a few days to a week and downs that last me a week

  • Kat


    my name is Kat and I'm 25 years old. I have plenty of friends who I have a lot of fun with when we go out, but on the other hand they differ from me because they are not single - as I am. That's the thing what makes me depressed. At ordinary day, when I get back home from work I have no one to talk to, not even my family because they live abroad. I am very unlucky with relationships - every time I meet some one it doesn't last longer than few weeks. My friends say it's not me cos they think I'm a very nice person - I just always meet the wrong guy. I don't know where to move on... I tried to change my image, my life style, my work but nothing seems to be working - nothing fulfills me. There are some days I don't even go out I just stay at home and get drunk. That's the time when I'm having suicidal thoughts. Nobody would miss me if I'm gone. I'm finding a relief when I'm hurting myself eg hitting or cutting myself - that makes me feel stronger. I'm trying to find a reason to live but I just don't know where!

    Can anyone tell me what to do, please? I'm really desperate!

  • egon

    hello everyone

    i am here looking for some advice. i have been experiencing manic-depressive symptoms for about 3 years now, and up till now i have tried to ignore them, but its really beginning to effect my life and i want some help. I feel like life is going by, like im wearing a veil and i dont know who i am. im depressed about everything and nothing at the same time. i feel like im having an out of body experience constantly, i dont eat much, im scared of meeting people who are my best friends, im lonely and im confused. please if anyone has the same experiences, or has any idea of what i should do, or thinks that i have or anything, please reply. i may be depressed but im not a evil person

    thankyou all

  • Steven

    Hello.... I am a 56 year old male. I think I am at the lowest point in my life. I would like to commit suicide, but I am afraid that anything other than a handgun will not do the trick.

    I feel this way because I have been in mental health therapy for the past thirty years. I've tried every kind of therapist and every kind of medication and nothing works very long. I am currently taking 300 mg of Effexor ER but its obviously not working if I want to kill myself. Actually, I think I've come to the realization that I may not really have depression. I now believe that my dispair is caused by so much rejection and abandonment in my life. I experienced a hellish childhood. I was ignored to the point that I really felt invisible, and still do sometimes. My mother regularly played with and sucked my penis. I know that I was anally penetrated, but that memory has not completely surfaced. But, I was a great father to my children. I vowed that when I had kids that I would hug them, tell them I loved them every single day, which I did. My relatioship with my kids was good until my divorce seven years ago. My son and daughter are 32 now and they totally hate me. Their mother has told them horrific lies about me and has manipulated them to joining her side. The crux of the problem is that my wife's family appeared to be like the Cleavers, but they hid a terrible secret. My wife's father sexually penetrated her in both places from the time she was two years old. She was admitted to the hospital at five years of age to have human papilloma viral warts removed from her vagina and anus. Horrible. What's more, her mother was addicted to a life of leisure and covered up what her husband was doing to her little girl. My ex wife's family never talks about anything unpleasant. Problems are not allowed to be spoken of. So, she grew up very closed and somehow I think she transferred this pattern to our children because they also refuse to talk about their inner lives. On the other hand, I was lucky to grow up in a family where we talked about issues. I was always the good father who sat on the edge of the kid's beds when they were having rough times. I was there for them. Their mother was emotionally unavailable. But, my kids and I had a pretty good loving relationship until she married her second husband. A REd Neck who is the polar opposite of me. He thinks that because I am sensitive and loving that i am gay, and he is a raging homophobe. So, he has take control over my daughter and has cut off relations with me, and she goes along with whatever he wants because of her codependency. I am not allowed to see my firstborn grandson because his parents see me as a pollutant who will damage Hank. My fondest dream has been to be a grandpa some day, but this dream has been totally crushed. To make matters worse, my son bonded with Red neck and now he sees me as a danger to Hank and he will have nothing to do with me. I can't take this any longer. I cry multiple times a day and have done so for the last year. How can a person go on without his family. It would almost been better if they had been killed in an accident, but this daily hatred is driving me crazy. I have given up trying to understand this. I don't think it can be explained. But I think there has been a fundamental shift in that my children have taken on my wife's hate of me. If I don't have my kids and grandkids, is there really a good reason to go on living? I know what you will say, that I probably have a lot to offer to others, but I cannot go on without the love of my family. Does anyone have any suggestions? My daughter agreed to go to counselling with me, but my ex talked her out of it.

  • david

    I used to smoke crack and snmiff coke i dont think ill ever be the same and im only 19 now

  • A friend


    Although I haven't experienced all of the abuse that you have I've experienced enough to completely relate to what your are saying and what you have written is almost to the T what I told my therapist. I am in a similiar situation and I know how hard it is. And having to ask one of those kinds of questions is very difficult. The only thing I can say is please dont commit suicide. If nothing else be an example of courage and determination for your children and hope like hell they get it someday. Men are more likely to commit suicide then women so know that and tell yourself its the testosterone plus men are conditioned differently as well.Ultimately we are all the same but it doesnt make it any easier to swallow. I keep myself alive simply because I have a mother and my sisters and no matter what scars they have left me I refuse to do that to my family. So I can make a difference there if no where else. Kids are funny and dont think of it as turning against you think of it as a defense mechanism it is hard for them to understand too and they have all that energy for other things at that age. I think you should go to the nearest mental health hospital and admit yourself and get your meds changed. And look forward to a happier life. Thats all I want now. Is a little happiness of my own that no one can ever take from me. It is out there.

  • a friend

    Hi Steven,

    i want you to know your post help me to put my own position in perspective. I hope you are ok and want to introduce you to Parental Alienation Syndrome. It is out there and the web and it looks like maybe Dr Phil is going to do a show on it. Please check into it.

    Editor's Note: FYI, we've got a podcast with Dr. Amy Baker that addresses the topic of Parental Alienation. A very worthwhile listen.

  • Nightrider

    I’m looking at 50 next month and I'm just now beginning to pull myself out of a dark hole. The last 8 years seem to be the most challenging for me.

    I’m not going into detail about the entire BS that has happened to me because these things we all know to well. Two years after my 3rd divorce and a lot research into self awareness I started to realize why I was so depressed and angry. I needed to learn how to forgive and especially forgive myself. Then I started to take responsibility for my own happiness and well being. Do you really think you can find real happiness and well being with your wife, husband, your kids, and a new car well sure you can but often its short lived? I love my ex-wife(s), my 3 kids, my truck, my job etc, but they often disappoint and hurt me in many ways as we all know to well. A deeper kind of well being starts with you taking responsibility for yourself and your own happiness. Forget about the lie of having to look outwardly for your happiness and well being. You can find happiness with in your self as long as you can forgive yourself and get past the negative self talk, the rest can be icing on the cake. As each moment goes by you have a choice no matter what your situation is to is, let go instead of attach, to love instead of hate, smile instead of frown and so on. We are much stronger then we think and we have more power over our reality then we think by watching our thoughts. We all have been conditioned to be negative. We wear it like a badge of honor sometimes. Remember like attracts like so we do have a choice and it’s never to late or too early to start. I started doing things that supported me in feeling good about myself, healthy things that is. I’ve been night riding on my mountain bike for 3 solid years now and that has helped me to reduce stress and it is a meditation as well. But as you know the challenge starts when you slow down and take a look at yourself and watch your thoughts, your emotions and what your body is telling you. Find something that works for you and supports you in your highest good.

    As we all know excercise and nutrition are vital and so is staying properly hydrated.

    These are the things that have help me through my dark times.

    "Thinking creates an image.

    Images control feelings.

    Feelings cause actions.

    Actions create results."


  • Anonymous-6

    there is always something worth living for. you are not alone . i am praying for you. lots of love

  • lonely mother of three

    I am a mother of three young girls, and I know that I am making their lives miserable. I am constantly yelling at them, I don't want to go anywhere let alone do anything around home. I just recently quit my job because of the guilt that I feel not being at home. I cant work up the energy to do anything. When I was at work, I hated it. I was forced to do things because I could not talk my self out of doing it. I feel as though I can't be the mom, wife, daughter, sister and aunt that I am supposed to be. I feel as though I have been nothing but a failure in every aspect of my life. There is nothing to look forward to in life for me. Is there help out there!

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Please read the response to your question under the heading "Ask Dr. Schwartz."

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-7

    PLease read this Primer on will help you take a lighter view of things

    To all the people who are feeling depressed,there`s lots to look forward in life might be just that you are not realizing it at the moment.Try to see nature in all its glory in the morning,listen to will ultimately find your goal in life.

    If you need someone to talk and share your problems,mail me at Just let me know if you`re feeling blue,I`ll try to cheer you up in whatever way I can.

    My sister is suffering from depression and I can feel the agony associated with it.I pray to God to help all agonized persons .

  • Anonymous-8

    i am a health care professional and i was diagnosed with depression for the first time 1 month back as i have been feeling low and sleepless and drowsy with difficulty in concentrating... slowly i am losing hope in life and feel that i am goin to get trapped into this hell forever..

    there are excellent medications such as Fluoxetine that l helped me with my problem.. I feel when medication are combined with counselling psychotherapy you will have great improvement and it has been proven scientifically. Also 40 min of daily exercise have been proven to have some antidepressant action..

    So dont lose hope and if you need any help contact a psychiatrist and or health care professional who can help you

    if have any questions you are welcome

  • JT

    I have battled this disease for 17 years and have been hospitilized twice recently all my family and friends have grown tired of this (and rightly so)

    I am trying to just "Buck" up and carry on but just cant! I see no point in a third hospitilization just trying to think of a way out with dignity.

  • A

    I was eventually diagnosed with major drepression when i was 14, i am now 19, after attempts to end my life. i thought the way i felt was right ,was how it was meant to be but i always wondered if other people thought as i did. Since then my life seems to lack purpose. depression seeps into every crevice in your life and like a virus infects it till all there is, is lonelyness pain and a sense of unhappy loss. i tried numerous ways to escape my head anorexia and self-harm and currently recieve therapy and anti depressants. there is no quick or simple answer to 'pull yourself together'.It's just not possible and many people don't understand. All i can do is get through the day. Yet as bad as it is i'm it feels such an integral part of me that i wonder "who am i without a cloud of dismay over me?" which is quite scary.

  • Anonymous-9

    My partner and I, we are 40 and we have a 10 year old son. When I was in my mid 20's I was diaginosed with major depressive disorder, 1st episode. No, I never liked the med's, I've just learned to live with it. Well recently my partner was diaginosed as being bipolar. He's had a drinking problem for over 20 years and he's been sober since Thanksgiving 2007.

    My question is, our son, will he have depression too? He seems ok, all he wants to do is play that X-Box.

  • donna

    i know how you feel , go through life , ups and downs really dont care so much in the end how it ends up you try and try and be nice to everyone you can and still you are looked down upon you have know idea what i have to go through to just make my life just know God loves me no matter what and someday ill be there under his arm s of love he knows and is alright with me I try so hard to please everbody but get rejection in return. I not an ungly person but i feel ugly the way i get treated i wish all of us luck in this depression cause it is not easy sometimes its just better to wait for the end .

  • Anonymous-10

    I am 55 years old. I know I have major depression. I can't take anti-depressants. I have tried them all and they make things way worse. I get really high anxiety, panic attacks and feel suicidal.

    What makes it worse is my husband of over 30 years is tired of it. No more than I am I can guarantee you that. Mine has been triggered largely in part, lately, from having chronic pain and a weird thing going on with my mouth - burning mouth syndrome. I am serious - it is making me insane and my doctor has just completely dismissed me. Offered no explanations or help in any way.

    Added to that my husband is addicted to painkillers and I just can't stand one more minute of that either. I told him I that it is over and I want to move out. That was two days ago. I can't move my body. I feel completely paralyzed in thought and physically. I am surprised that I am even at my computer right now.

    So since I can't get a doctor to help or my husband to listen I am pretty much feeling desperate. I am too weak to even get dressed.

    A lot of people say life is great and so precious. I just cannot find anything great about it. Since I am physically disabled and not bringing any money into the household I feel like I have nothing left to contribute to anyone on this planet. All I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up.

  • Daryl Farrow

    Why is there more than one term for MDD? As a student psychologist this can be confusing. I remember from my abnormal psychology class my professor telling us that there were several disorders that at first had many names, but in recent years ended having only one name. Understanding the meaning for having more than one name for disorders such as MDD, as well as others can help students like myself and others.

    Furthermore, I have notice within recent years that I have a problem. I am not sure what it may be, but I am sure I have a problem. I can not afford therapy (hell it's hard to even pay for school at times) so I try to read up on as many disorders that may apply to me without being bias.

  • sydney

    to the people who posted before me that were seeking help, i want to try. i have had MDD for most of my life and i was only diagnosed with it a year ago in april. i know what that low feels like, i know what it can do to a person. i am only a fifteen year old, but i have attempted suicide twice already and gone to a hospital for a week because of it. i know other people have different situations that lead up to something like this, but i have found it helpful to find some ambition of yours that youve had [mine was writing, and i am going to write great novels and literature] and make yourself get up and follow it on those days where you are just feeling so down and out. medication is also very helpful and should be considered along with therapy. also, just find a time in the day to honour that ambition or hobby of yours. take an hour out each day to do what you want to do and dont get caught up in the notion that you cant do that because of your schedule because only you control your schedule. giving yourself that kind of excuse to not help yourself is only going to hold you back, and make things worse for you in the long run. i know im only fifteen and i havent lived in the shoes of adulthood yet but i do know that many busy adults do make time to do those things that make them feel like they have a purpose, something to follow. and make sure that you are getting enough sleep too. i used to never get a regular amount of sleep and sometimes people are blind to how important it is. dont be one of those people. it can make or break your mood. now i get regular sleep with the help of medication i take each night. i feel like i think i should have been able to feel the past six years and possibly beyond. i never was just a child. i remember fixating on death and killing myself at the age of five, and not just threatening to hold my breath untill i died because mom wouldnt give me a cookie. today i can embrace myself and continue to make progress so i can finally live. and lastly, dont give up hope. as a writer it is a sin to commit a cliche, and "dont give up hope" is a cliche. but for every tired comment there is a truth. that statement, "dont give up hope, keep trying, dont stop trying", is my truth. may i reccomend it as yours too.

  • Marcus

    I worked for a juvenille detention center in 1990. Late in 1991 a group of gang members carried out an attack , using baseball bats and billiard balls ,injured and almost killed myself and 2 of my partners. I suffered a cracked skull and miraculously recovered physically rather quickly. I noticed in the months to come my memory detiorating and a lot of confusion and anxiety. Over time it became unbearable and overwhelming. I didnt want to live and was feeling hopeless and depressed. I had tests that revealed brain trauma and was given several treatment options which work only occassionaly. I fight everyday to get up and smile throughout the day, praying that my mind will work somewhat properly. Medication only works for so long and than its back to misery. I am well educated on this illness. I can recommend to anyone the Amen Clinic in New Port Beach Ca. . They gave me some treatments that have been very helpful. Anyone wanting advice please dont hesitate to contact me . I am 41 now and am sometimes suprised that I have lived this long. I work, but have burned alot of time from this illness. Yes its horrible, but I have children that need me to fight this and continue to survive. Not to mention a loving wife that has endured more than I could ever imagine. God Bless. Mark H

  • Anonymous-11

    Wow. That's major, alright. I just read today that mental illness in general is America's leading medical cause for lost time at work. We're just one big happy family.

  • Anonymous-12

    I am newly divorced struggling to stay financially afloat with 3 kids after being home with them for over 10 years. Depression has set in and I find it hard to funtion. I don't know how to go about getting a decent job and I worry all the time about my financial stability and financial future. Does anybody have any suggestions? I struggle everyday with the will to live.

  • nena johnson

    i have been depressed most of my life but nothing like iam today depression back then wasnt discussed much today im 62 years had to retire from nursing due to chronic back pain. my husband passed away and along with fincial problems , im fighting major depression . im currently on remeron had been on lexapro neither of these meds seem to help much any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

  • Anonymous-13

    I just lost my father three weeks ago to a heavy depression with phsychotic features. He was 57 years old, dealing with mental problems for the past 23 years, that I know of. He always refused to accept he had a problem, until last year in August when I was able to take him to a Mental Health Clinic assistance. Please don't give up and fight this illnes with all your might. My father received all the professional help and emotional help from his wife, children, and grandchildren. I can's say I know what he was going through because I have been fortunate to not experience his illness, but he has left us with a large dent in our hearts and we will never know why he did it or what trigered him to take his life and not think of all the people who care about him. Find help and please don't re-live the negative things in your past, leave all that in the past where it belongs. Like I told my father on many occasions "You can't change the past, but you change the present and future". I know it's easier said than done, but please don't put your families through what we have been through. It is a complete nightmate that we will never be able to understand. GOD loves us all and we are all his children and he will help us all if we allow him to. GOD BLESS YOU ALL...

  • paula

    Hi, I've just been reading all the comments that people have left. I've just signed up to this website and live in the U.K (near Manchester). I would like to tell you my story.

    In February 2007, I lost my job as a Support Worker following allegations from a service user. The allegations was investigated by the Police and Social Services. I was not Arrested, neither was I charged. After a thorough investigation, the case was dropped due to the lack of evidence. I was accused of taking money from a 64yr old woman. This woman was under Mental Health and had previously accused two other people of the same allegation. These too was investigated and dropped due to lack of evidence. I disputed the allegations all the way and filed for a Court date. After attending Court, my former employer offered me an out of Court settlement with a reference. My Solicitor advised me to accept this offer, stateing that no price was worth a reference. So I accepted this offer. But in the meantime, I tried to take my own life and ended up on a Medical Emergency Unit for Two day followed by a further Two weeks stay in a Physiatric ward. I was not sectioned and went in voluntry. The effects that this ordeal had on me was traumatic. I tried to take this Service user to Cout but she declined saying that her health was not up to going to court. In the space of Seventeen months I have tried to take my own life, been in Hospital, had frequent visits with a Physiatrist (1x month), am on medicationfor anxiety and panic and stress, also, medication to make me sleep. (I'm lucky if I get 4hrs sleep). Just been refered for a Brain Scan and am awaiting on the results. been refered to a physologist for the lapse in my memory due to the stress and depression all this has had on me. Not to mention that I am still unemployed and getting into financial difficulties, with having a mortgage and living on my own that with no job I can't afford to stay in my property which is causing me more stress and anxiety, adding to my depressive situation. Because there was an investigation carried out by the Police that this information is on my C.R.B. (Criminal Records Buero) and every job that I am applying for that the employers are passing on giving me the job due to the sight of my C.R.B. Yet again, I have got a Solicitor on the case and the only thing we can do is challenge the wording obtained on my C.R.B. The Police say that they are not accusing me of anything, that they are just stateing what whent on, that there was an investigation carried out. Obviously, employers are going to have there doubts if information is contained on my C.R.B. I have been diagnosed with Manic Depression which I never had any problems regarding this issue before all this happened. I live each day as it comes because I never know what tomorrow is going to bring. I would also like to give this same bit of advice to anyone who is suffering from any form of depression. I wish luck to each and every one of you, If you have suffered anything like I have (no doubt you have) You all deserve a medal! Take care! Paula x

  • kt

    It is not easy to open up and just talk about "stuff" that you have never spoken before. So you sit there with a pillow on you lap waiting to start crying. Knowing that the doctor has figured some of it out already but still not able to talk about it. The block is there forever and no one remove it. Not me, not the doctor not my husband or my family.

    All I want is to be happy.

  • paula

    Hi Dante, My name is Paula and I'm from the U.K. At this moment I feel so lonely and depressed. It's 03.35am On a Sunday morning. My son and his girlfriend invited me out tonight for the first time in two years. I wish I hadn't bothered. I didn't go out till 01.00am and was humming and arring till this point. But never the less I went out. I thought it would do me good! How wrong was I? After getting in a taxi at 02.30am with my son and his girl friend, we reached our destination (my address). As I was getting out of the taxi, I thought I'd have a bit of fun with the taxi driver by asking him if he wanted a babysitter for his seven children, all boys, and must be able to put turbon on. The taxi driver was Asian by the way. He didn't mind anyway. But my son went absolutely balistic. Saying that I was showing him up. It was only a laugh! I told my son that if the asian taxi driver didn't like it he would of said something. Never the less I was all the names under the sun. It's the first time that I've been out in two years and it will be the last. I couldn't get over the way my son had spoke to me. Do you know what I did. I came home and cried my eyes out. I am on various medication for manic depression and I was so far from taking an overdose to end my life. I felt so rejected and still do. I am getting all these suicidal thoughts going through my head at this present time. I am just sat here looking at all these tablets thinking TAKE THEM, TAKE THEM! I am getting of now as I am going to have 5mins to think this through. If you don't hear from me by tomorrow evening then you know that I have gone through with it. Thanks for listening. Paula x

  • Cindy

    My name is Cindy..I am a Grandmother and I live in Central Florida...USA..I have been reading alot of the posts here..May I offer HOPE? Alot of the people that suffer can turn your life around.You seem so sad today....Hope and Faith...I have learned to Live and I try to be Thankful for Something every single day...Stop thinking about yourself, stop being sad...Be Thankful...Gosh, find something to be thankful for every single day...Even if a butterfly floats by...the Sun is always shining somewhere...I try very hard not to let outside people, thoughts, fears or pain describe my life...I have been through alot, too...My husband walked out with his 'new girlfriend" after dedicating our life to our church and our family...Sold our home and property that we had raised our children an unmarried man and took off with all the money..left the country and married a girl more than 30 years younger than him and he is now 61 years old and "still having babies"..I lost my True friends turned against me.."You couldn't hold your marriage together"..Told to not come back to church anymore (divorced) the church we raised our children in for over 15 years...How can he do that to his family? He literally left me sitting on the side of the road with nothing..behind on my groceries and a 15 year old daughter..I picked myself up, got a good job near Disneyworld in Orlando and now attend Nursing school...Stop letting people determine your happiness..If your family abandons you..It's their loss!! Find people that will support you and love you and be Kind to each other...Some people just need a hug!!kEEP LIVING AND hAVE hOPE AND fAITH..bE tHANKFUL EVERY DAY...God (Yes, I miss him everyday, but do not contact him)..God Bless Find someone to be Kind to...Cindy

  • Ahuli Pitt

    When I was working with troubled youth a few years ago, I was given the priviledge of attending a two day workshop on suicide prevention. The main thing I learned was to get said person talking and being a good listener—–reading between the lines, so to speak, as to what the person was Really saying. The Anatomy of Depression

  • Lynda

    I can't believe that two days ago I was seaching the internet for ways to painlessly kill myself. Even tho my brother killed himself 25 years ago and I swore it was the most selfish thing anyone could do. Two days ago my thougths were over whelming agony over whys and hows of my life. How could my husband leave me after 32 years? How could his family treat me this way? How could my children side with him and yet admit he is emotionally detached? How do you get help if you have no insurance? I did get a perscription for generic welbutrin last month from a doctor and it wasn't working. I 'googled' it and found that thousands of other people feel the same way. I was able to get another perscription and it's finally kicking in. Thank God!!!!! Today my thoughts are more on target with acceptance. I am a person of value that didn't deserve what happened to me. I have made it to age 53 so I am a survivor. My self worth doesn't hinge on other people's opinions. My husbands family include people that are judgemental and self-righteous. They weren't my friends to start with. My children are still young in their ability to fully understand and show compassion. When I was in my 30s and even 40s I was still slapping convienent labels like 'nut job' on people (such as my father) that deserved my support. Now I know that my genetics are a big part of this. Its all about getting the chemicals in your brain straightened out first. You can't will or pray this's a real health're not nuts...keep fighting to get help...the repetative, distructive thoughts can and will go away!!!! There are vouchers for medicine etc. that you can download on the internet. I actually was sobbing at the counter at one doctors office ( a friend drove me there) and they turned me away as they said they didn't take cash! Who doesn't take cash!!! This is a sucky, cruel, unkind world and yet I realised that there are homeless people that are happier than I am (was). I wish I could hold you in my arms and make the pain go away......please go get help and don't stop asking, googling, calling until you do!!!!!! (and don't be embarrassed...this is a real health issue like any other life threatening health issue. If you were going into a diabetic coma you would call for help.... you might be a quart low on seritonin or something) I care about you and don't even know you!!!!!!

  • Lynda

    Wow!!!! Thats like telling a diabetic to stop having a re-action while eating too much sugar! It's my opinion that if a person (that sufferes from major depression) could turn things around by noticing butterflies or praying their guts out or skipping down the road and being thankful for things, they would certainly do so. If it was so easy to pop out of, no one would be suffering from this. A chemical imbalance needs a chemical to fix it. To blame the person by saying 'stop thinking about yourself' adds insult to injury. I'm the most unselfish person that I know and yet could not stop the same distructive thoughts cycling over and over in my head. I almost thought I was possessed!!!! I kept telling myself to 'get over it' and yet was unable to. If you refuse to get on an anti-depressant (they saved ny life) there are some promising studies on fish oils, but I was too far gone to even mess with those. I know the person that said stop thinking about yourself only meant to help so thank you for that anyway and I'm glad you recovered from what happened to you. I think 'situational' depression is different for people that don't suffer form major depression due to chemical imbalances. I've suffered from major depression all of my life but always blamed it on other things. I think that stress would send me into these episodes. Now that I understand some of this, I'm going to make sure I fight for my health and keep my stress level down. This last time was due to trying to help a grand-daughter by letting her move in......big mistake. I need to just focus on my health and stop worring about everyone else for once in my life, because the bottom line is that no one was there for me when I needed it....shame on them!!!!!

  • Tara

    Today is one of many when I wonder if I should just be hospitalized for the rest of my life. This level of mood is tormenting to say the least. I just keep "thinking about myself" and can't "will" myself out of it. Feeling very selfish, lost, and frustrated I searched the inernet, and stumbled upon this statement by you. You describe what I'm going through with seemingly magical accuracy - Thank God for You and your Journey! Obviously, the antidepresant that I am taking is not working - Thank you for helping me relate & understand.

  • steven

    Hi everyone,my name is Steve.I am 22 years old and i feel like ive lived too long already.i have a three year old daughter and that is the only reaon i believe i have not killed myself.I just want to get better if i can.Ive been hospitalized on numerous occasions,but im older now and i feel ready to do whatever it takes and whatever the doctor orders so to speak.I just dont want to feel this way anymore. hopeless, helpless, worthless, pathetic, sad, scared, lonely all those emotions are what i feel on a regular basis.Coping with life on a daily basis is a huge struggle.Can i lead a successfull life.Is there really hope? I feel like no one understands where im coming from its ridiculous.i feel like no one feels as bad as i do or as much as i do or maybe im just the most sensitive person on the can kind of just laugh at myself reading this although none of it is a joke.IT is a harsh reality that i must learn to overcome in order to be a succeccful father,son,friend,and human being in general.

  • Dee

    I know excactly how you feel. Omigosh.I have been really struggling with depression for years now.I have a two year old son also and he is the only reason I stick around.Which is really copacetic.My head is just awful and I just hurt and I don't know why.I feel like people just look at me like I'm crazy because I feel this way.When I don't even know why to begin with.I am 24 years old and I feel I've lived too long also.I can't stand to be with myself by myself. I'm glad I am not alone though. Hand tough kay?

  • Brittany

    My therapist said that she thinks I may have MDD. I don't know whether to believe her or not. Yeah, I know I'm depressed so that part's understandable, but I'm not just down. Some days I'm in a REALLY great mood that nothing can stop. I've been seeing her for a little over a month now but I'm not sure if I should keep seeing her. It's like being in between myself and my head. I don't know how else to explain it. I've thought about maybe hospitalizing myself to get 24 help, but I have a 4 month old son that I take care of 24/7 and a husband who is at the military base all day. I want to get help so that way I can stop these horrible thoughts from going through my head, but I'm not ready to leave home for a week straight to do it and I'm afraid of what my family will say to me or about me if I go. Everyone around me says they want me to get better and to get help, but I'm not ready to leave to do so....even though I know if I keep putting it off and only talking to my therapist once a week that I'm only going to get worse. What should I do??

  • Monique

    I am in my late thirties and I have one daughter(she is grown now). When she was just a little over a year old, I was forced into being hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for a month. I had developed a chemical imbalance. I was stressed for a long time and experiencing some symptoms which had led me to seek the help of a therapist and then I got the flu. In case you don't know it is very common that when a person is experiencing a lot of stress, that if the person gets a flu virus, there body becomes so run down that they can develop a chemical imbalance. I truly believe it is better for a person to plan and take care of themselves with therapy/counseling, rest, proper nutrition and antidepressants(or whatever meds. are needed) because once the body really breaks down it is not easy at all to recover. I learned at that time that people that are decades older than I was sometimes never fully recover goes to show how serious the illness is), even for a person in their early twenties like I was.

    I share this with you not only from my own experience, but I also have worked in the healthcare field for about five years and am currently in school to become a nurse. I am a Christian and reading my Bible on a regular basis is what began to lift my spirit. After a couple of month's I noticed I worried less and felt calmer and more secure. Also, I believe that God wants us to be "free" of what people think about us. I know you are concerned about what others opinions of you, however, I would imagine that you care more about "feeling good" and seeing your child grow up into a healthy and whole individual. I never thought that life would be as great as it is now and that my daughter and I would have such health as individuals and as a family. I believe that we all have to do the hard work of facing things when they arise and making hard decisions even if other people don't agree, after all they're not the one's who will miss out as much as us and our families if we don't take the necessary steps to live a better quality of life. God be with you, Brittany

  • christian

    my name is Christian i just have some questions , four years ago i just to do mariguana , one day i was n a party and drink beer all nite long i didnt sleep for that whole nite , after that in the morning , i had some mariguana then i felt so different i was feeling my hearth pound so fast and hard, i got scared and told my mom, at the time i was 17 years old now im 21 i feelt like i got a panic attack and felt like dying, like i was gonna get a hearth attack or something , my mom took me to the hospital the doctor gave a pill and a vaccine to help calm my self to put me down from the mariguana effect and i was so calm , but after that happen i was not the same anymore i felt scared all the time i had alot of panic attacks, anxiety, fatigue, stress, alot of symptoms, that wont go away i dont know what i have i been sufering for 4 long years allready, and is getting worse i think i like im dying feel depress, feel like is not me i cannot control my toughts , and feel dizzy like im gonna lose control of my self and go crazy theses sensations feel so horrible, i feel like i dont love or care about no one it feels like im high all the time , that i havent sleep or rest for years , i feel my brain so heavy , i always think that i shouldnt of born or excist in this planet my stomach always hurts and have diarrea , when im meeting a new person i feel so nervous all the time my hands get cold and sweats, my hearth pounds so hard that i feel it in all my body it shakes and many more symptoms i dont know if this is is related to depression , i lose weight i went to the emergency room at the hospital they check me all and told me that i had depression,stress,and anxiety, but i never got a treatment or something to help me i just ignored but now my pain is worse , i had been like this now almost for 5 years today i was driving i was feeling like i was gonna past out like i was so high but i dont drink or do drugs anymore , i just want to know if this symptoms are related to a chronic depression , thanks and God bless everyone

  • worthlessmother

    Why Why Why was i put on this sicking earth. if only i had died in the womb.

    Each and every day that goes by i cry and try to figure out why. why am i so useless. my 25 year old daughter told me the best thing that could happen to her is if i would kill myself. i have lived my life for her and my grandkids. and know she wishes i was dead. every day thoughts go through my head on how i should do this. Should i tie a note around my neck that says-once again you get your way- and blow my head off in her yard. oh wait i cant do that i have no gun. should i tie a rope on my neck and jump from a tree in her yard. i dont no how to make this pain stop. i have not seen my grandkids in a month. she refuses to let me see them. i have been their grandma-mom since they were born. i cant take this no more

  • Glenn

    I've been talking to my friend over the last couple of days and she has come to the conclusion that i have Bi-polar. Ive been really depressed over the last year and have tryed to compit suicide several times. Over the last week I've been really happy, to happy for me. I dont understand. I've been told by a few of my friends that I should seek help, but I just can't. Every time I've tryed to talk to somone besides my friends about it I freeze up and can't speak. I even have trouble talking to my friends about it but here really supportive. I just don't no what to day. I feel like a waist of space and I dont see the point of my living anymore. I just don't know anymore...

  • Anonymous-14

    I am glad that you are feeling happy at this time. You really need to seek assistance. There are more people out there that deal with depression as well as people that are Bi polar. Since you feel comfortable talking to your friends ask one of them or all of them to go with you to the doctor so that you can seek the assistance that you need in order to deal with your mood swings. I say this to you because I suffer from depression and my husband took me to the doctor even though I didn't feel I needed help. It is often that we don't want to go because we feel that this means we are weak or that we can't handle our problems.. THAT IS NOT TRUE..sometimes things can just be overwhelming. If you are placed on medications to assist you with you it's not like you have to be on the medication forever....SEEK Help please !!!

  • Anonymous-15


  • scott

    Christian how can i get in contact with you, you can email me, but i would really like to talk to you

  • Dad of three


    I read the artical and some of your comments. I am a single dad rasing three kids. I have been battaling with depression for years now. I lost my wife and most jobs. I actualy hit rock bottem. My kids were in state custady for 2 years. I have fought like hell to get to the point I am at today. It's taken me three years now. I Just can't seem to keep making myself go on. at 38 Ifeel as though I should be on the top of my game. I am not. I find myself yealling at the kids more and more and finding it harder and harder to goto work. ( i love my job at least) but still. why is it so freeking hard to just be normal? (if there is a deffanition for normal) I have been through sevral clinics to get help. I am in a very tight situation. If I go get to much help i loose the kids. If I don't get some help i loose the kids and everything again. God Help me I am falling apart here. it seems im in a now win situaion.

    What can I do

    dad of three

  • Allan N Schwartz

    You will find a response to your question under "Ask Dr. Schwartz" in a day or two.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Brenda B.

    Hi my name is Brenda and I have been suffering with depression for now 1yr.I am a former professional boxer and I believed after my boxing career,things got rough for me,anxiety I was getting,I became a alcoholic,went to rehab to sober up,well I just relasped and I'm at that feeling of "HELP ME" I am on a lot of meds that the Doc has given me,like seroquel,lexapro,topamax,deplin,neurontin, and I admit I messed up by drinking again.My body hurts all over and one thing about me I love to work out! to train my body and I CAN'T! it hurts so bad to move my body like I use too,I am 44 yrs old and scared because I put on alot of weight,I am like 225lbs,I once was 150lbs.Whats wrong with this picture.Thank you for listening.

  • jessica

    Hi! I am 16 years old and today is my birthday! And every year i look forward to it. My life gets hard too, i am sure no where near as hard as the people that are on this site. I dont suffer from any diseases, or any emotional pain that as worth taking my life. I just wish i could understand why people want to comit suicide? And why people get depressed. Like i said dont have a horrible life, it is actually great. There have been some hardships i have been through though. When i was really young my little brother was diagnosed with Lupus. He is alergic to the sun. Then in the fourth grade my dad had cancer. He survived but for me at a young age i was horrified. Now my mom has a rare disease that starts with a M, but i dont really know what it is called. She cant breath sometimes, and we have to call 911. I know you think i should be mature enough to handle that but i am not. I am actually very inmature! But i have no worries. And i hope you see that life is more inportant then things that go wrong in your life! thank you.

  • troy

    so im gay and no one likes me2

  • Anonymous-16


  • Naira Sargsyan

    My problem is my brother i can't understand what is going with him hi is in deep depresion nothing is interesting to him he is in bed all the time his brain is ful of yhougts he is very educated he knows a lot and all time his brain in movement i dont know how to help him

    excuse me for my english

  • Anonymous-17

    Well, after reading this I do believe that I have unipolar depression. I've been having it for six years. May be even during high school. I have seen a tyripist (I think that's how you spell it) and she recommended that I see a pychaitrist(however you spell that). I want to and I know that I can't. First off, I'm not employed, no health coverage, or income. Second, no transportation. Thrid, I'm trying to get back in school, doing my best to make it work. And lastly, I can't keep the negative aspects of my life out of what I really need to do. Don't really know what else to do.

    May be it's not even unipolar depression or it's a mix of unipolar depression and bipolar depression. Don't know how that works but it feels like a whole bunch of stuff is mixed in with it.

  • Amonette

    i am 27 years old, when i was 13 i was taken to a psychiatrist and put on prozac. my dad has a terminal disease that at the time was not being treated correctly and he was very sick all the time, among many other factors there were a lot of things that were making me sad and angry and act out. since then i have been on over 13 different antidepresants/antiobsession/antipsychotic/ drugs. 7 months ago my mom died after an 8 year battle with cancer. i am completely lost. i have reached a deeper rock bottom than ever before. im reading all these articles about depression and personality disorders and i fall into all of the catagories and i feel like im losing my mind, but i can't find any help. im seeing 2 therapists, and another psychiatrist and they all have different opinions about me and my behavior and my brain and none of it goes together. how did this happen?

  • Jayme


    I am a mental health professional who was actually doing research on this topic. I read several of your articles and they really touched me. Just wanted to let you know that there is help out there....a new service in the mental health world is Community Support. For the individual who stated that she could not seek help because of being unemployeed, no income, no insurance, no transportation and no support.....this service is for you! Your local public mental health agency is absolutely FREE!!!!! Community Support assists with appointments, transportation, home visits, inform/link you to resources and keep you informed of your medications and diagnosis. PLEASE TRY THIS SERVICE.....IT'S ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!

  • Jen

    I am a 33 year old single parent of 3 children. my 14 year old daughter just got out of the mental hospital a week age after trying to kill herself at school. To find out that she is bipolar and now on meds. Then to add to it I think that I need some help myself. I have lost over 10 pounds in a week I do not feel like eating. I can not sleep more then 3-4 hours a night(that is total with waking up in between) My body and head hurts non-stop. I am at the point i can not take it any more. I love my kids they are what keeps me alive at this time. My current relationship is on the rocks.He thinks I am going crazy. I can't blame him cause I feel like I am about to have a total breakdown. I have no health insurance and just bearly making it by at this time. I can not focus on my job when I am there. I use to love it and now I just want to quit it. I have had sevral deaths in my family with-in a few months apart. How far down can you get before you go insane? I am trying to seek medical help at this time. Any one have any suggestions that might help?

  • Alice

    I was reading through some of these comments and Christians caught my eye. The symptoms your having sounds alot like Depersonalization Disorder (more about it here ). I've been a dp sufferer for 11 years and its a very challenging illness. Hope you figure things out :)


    Editor's Note: Depersonalization Disorder is also described here.

  • jhon

    I dont know what to do! I used to have so much confidence and alot of friends but now I have barley any. This is good and bad because most of my friends were acholics or drug addicts but I am very board and lonley. I think I have avodiant disorder, I have very low self esteem and feel inferion in social situations with people that would be good to be friends with? Also I am lost on how to go about getting a woman back in my life

    I had a girl friend cople of years ago, and I think a woman would really help me feel better about my self. But I dont love myself so women see me as boring? I dont know if anyone can help e-mail me

  • Ira

    Jayme could you please add some more cinfo on the free services, and health department. I cannot find either in phone book.

  • W

    This is really big for me , I haven't even spoke of my thoughts to my family. I feel as though I am in deep, I stopped eating and am drinking alcohol to try to stay numb. It helps keep the thoughts of suicide at bay. I can't afford help or any medication that may be perscribed. I cry at the littlest thought, and am crying now trying to write. I don't know what to do, I don't see a silver lining or a light at the end of the tunnel. I am a storng person but I don't know how much longer I can keep it together.

  • Anonymous-18

    I was reading the comments left and thought me too. I called the hot line service today and spoke with a young woman and told her I wanted to stop hurting. I then hung up. I hung up because I didnt want the lady on the other end to send the men in white jackets. Because as much as I want help I dont want to be confined or labled. That makes no since because I have confined myself. I come from a family that doesnt get help. I have no friends and cry all the time. I look at a bottle of pain pills daily and if not looking at them thinking about them. I just want to stop crying. I hurt and this pain is consuming me. I cant make it go away. Nothing or no one can make me happy. I cant afford treatment and I make to much for assistance. Those pills seem to be my only way out. The only thing that has stopped me is there is no make sure that my children will be safe. How long will that hold me here. I am not sure.

  • W

    Me Too, you are not alone. I come from a strong family and have no friends. Funny enough I would never call one of those hot lines for fear of the white coats and since I left the first comment I've kind of been waiting for that knock at the door! The only thing that keeps me from drinking from morning to night is my kids, I care for them first. I hate myself for letting them see me cry and try to keep a brave face as much as possible. Of course there are those days, when nothing can help and I cry and drink and can only try to get out of bed, it happens. But please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

  • n

    I'm 17 i think ive been suffering from some form of depression over the past three years. ive always been afraid to find help. My life is good, but the bad things stick out like a sore thumb and brng me down. I'm a previous self harmer which continued for about 2-3 years. I've always been to scared to do anything about this and just wished it would go away. I stopped self harming as i realised i was hurting those around me, i've stopped on and off a little bit for about 1 1/2 years. All my anger just keeps building up and i dont know what to do with it. the more things keep happening the more they get me dwn

    I just don't know what to do now. Recently ive started harming myself again but Im trying to keep myself under control due to upeting my family and friends.

    I'm too scared to go to a doctor, i've seen a councilor before and nothing seemed to work infact only made me worse.

    When i look at my scares, they remind what i can do and start tempting myself

    sorry this was an essay and sory if i did or said anything wrong or out of context. I'm not sure what type of depression i have, i have my ups and downs along with really bad mood swings but i dont thnk I'm bipolar, i dont seem to find my symptoms which match

    i hope this wasnt a waste of time.

    Editor's Note: Self-Injury is frequently associated with Borderline Personality Disorder . Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a recommended and now widely available form of therapy designed to help with self-injury and suicide problems. Mental Help Net's mental health support community has an active self-injury forum you may wish to explore, where you can talk to other people who self-injure.

  • Anonymous-19

    I'm a 38 year old female. I recently had a hysterectomy a year ago today. I have went down hill since. I have always been a little depressed and was able to snap out of it but never this bad. I'm going through hell. I feel so sad most of the time. If I don't keep myself busy I will lose it. I don't have a depressing story to give you but from the way that I feel you would think that I have went through the worst of the worst. I use to go work out and no I didn't like it but I had energy to get 30 minutes every other day. I use to enjoy going out with my friends I don't have the energy for that either. I cried before I found this site and I will cry when I leave this site. I'm not myself anymore. I don't know who I am anymore all I know is that I hate it and I want it to go away. I want to be normal again and I don't know how. I get so mad sometimes for things that I know I should not be mad for. I have gained almost 20 pounds and found myself wanting to eat most of the day. It seems to be the only thing that gives me pleasure. My taste buds are messed up things things that I use to enjoy for example coffee and cigerettes taste horrible. Lots of times I don't have the energy to clean my house, walk the dog are even go to work. Don't get me wrong I don't want to commit suicide, I don't want to die. I want to live! I just wish this would go away. Please if anyone is feeling the same as I am please give me some advice. Medications don't seem to help I have been on several different kinds (antidepressant). I wonder if these medications make the situation worse.

  • Anonymous-20

    im 17. iv been diagnosed with depression less than a year ago and perscribed to one anti-depressant which only made things worse. after taking the pills for only a week i broke down and started crying for no reason and that week i never felt so empty before. so i decided to stop on my own.

    i started getting sick last summer off and on and iv seen a few different doctors and had lots of blood tests. iv even been to the ER because of a severe throat infection that kept coming back with other symptoms. it wasnt mono or strep. and went to an ENT doctor and nobody knew what was wrong with me. this lasted for about 2 months. i lost my first job over it that i had for over a year and missed alot of school. finally i thought i was better and now almost 2 months later im sick again. iv been having a severe backache and hot/cold feeling, sleeping alot and loss of appetite. its only been a few days so far this time. but this shouldnt be happening to someone my age to be getting sick so often. sometimes i wonder if my depression has something to do with it. but getting sick so much definitely brings out the depression more. i feel hopeless. theres nothing i can do to stop it

  • UCLA Bruin

    Sometimes it seems like there is this tape playing over and over again inside my head. It tells me that I am worthless, that I am horrible, and that I fail at life.

  • Anonymous-21

    Hi i am 23 years old and i am in the last year of my degree at university. i have been at uni for 3 and a half years and have had my parents support me etc. i was doin my work one day and boom it happened like something exploded in my head. I went to see my therapist who gave me a couple of treatments and sent me on my way! i have decided to stop right now and take a brake and return to uni

    I have started to self halm myself by cutting myself using a stanley knife and have also on several attempts tried to slit my wrists but everytime i do the phone rings and i get interrupted. This thing i have what ever people call it has been there for years ever since i can remember!! family disputes etc i kept throwing back into the back of my mind but now its like my mind has gone into flip mode and is saying here deal with it.

    Ever since i can remember i have always felt like i am a burden like i am worthless like if i wasnt here life for everyone would be normal and prosperous. I hold myself responsible for my parents splitting up i dont know why but i just do. I feel like i exploit my father to much and this whole epidose is causing him to much pain. Thats why at times i feel like taking my life or i self harm because i feel i deserve to feel the pain that i have caused everybody. esp my father.

    I went to see my GP who gave me meds the only thing they do is make me stop crying but i still feel the hurt the pain. the only time i dont feel pain and sorrow is when i am asleep. what is happening to me is there something wrong with me??? sometimes i wish i were faking this or i was pretending this was happening. This feels like a dream something i see in the movies and i am waithing for the director to say cut, but there is no director when i look at the chair and the set is empty and then it hits me this is my life and back to reality i come!!

  • Tess

    Struggled with Depression since 15... actually longer, first suicidal thoughts at 11...

    Suicide is big in the family.

    Now 35 - almost -, always end up losing those I love... Broke - Chapter 7 - no kids, actually one abortion, lost the love of my life... Talented, but can't seem to get my career going. Live in a temporary apt. Alone in the world...

    I f*ing hate myself... i had everyhting to be happy: good looks, smart, talented, funny - that's the ironic bit... but I am a failure... Can't stand the look of me... Want to hurt myself for what I let happen to myself...


    Why would I still hang on????

  • Anonymous-22

    I have read, and it is all the same for me. I have been like this for over a year now. Lost both my parents over 10 years ago. Have been on my own my whole life. I was very successful, college, terrific 6 figure career. Great friends. The older I got something was always missing, that companion piece. Tried everything to find the one. I finally find him a year and a half ago and I am the one for him and he leaves me. Ever since then I have been a mess. Have lost all my friends, I own my own business and it has slowly gone done hill also due to the economy, I am slowly losing my home due to the economy too. I don't speak to my brother, or my aunt that only family I have. I constantly feel worthless, a failure at my whole life, I have been diagnosed with discoid lupus. I just have nothing posotive in my life. I am still in love with this man that left me and I can't stand this feeling of lonliness, hopelessness, and feeling I will never be happy again. I have no energy to go out, for a very long time I didn't clean my house for over 3 months. I saw shrinks, nothing. I refuse to go on medication. It is a cover up for true happiness. I will not walk around on meds making me happy, when I should be happy without meds. I hate all of this. Help

  • hopeless

    It's been 6 years.

    No hope.

    Eating, breathing, sleeping, working, just waiting to die.

    Then there is the guilt. I have a wonderful family, a job, extended family, no fights, no quarrels, house, God, sufficient income, etc.

    I have all these blessings and yet no hope, no desire, no assurance anything will get any better.

    David wrote in the Psalms, "I would have fainted had I not thought I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of this living".

    I'm to the point of "fainting".

    Took Lexapro for about 4 months. Made me soooo tired along with some other side effects. Stopped taking it last Thursday. The Lexapro did keep me from going down to the pit, but it did nothing for my daily consistant depression.

    Don't know what to do.

    A poem I wrote:

    No one knows the reason why things happen as they do. Questions without answers fill the mind, tormenting through and through.

    I ask though knowing the silence coming, action absent from the Father. His ear turned another direction tempting me to ask, "why bother".

    Of course we know God loves and cares when overwhelmed by many sorrows. The faith within we need to find, conscious of the need tomorrow.

    Tomorrow has come and nothing has changed. God still loves and cares and he does know. Upheld by his tender hand of grace and mercy and somehow we grow.


    The line, "Tomorrow has come and nothing has changed" always brings the tears.

  • Jaymi

    Depression is like cancer. It kills, it hurts, it ruins families and friends but unlike cancer finding help for depression is hard. I can't go around just telling people i been diagnosed with depression, it just doesn’t feel right for me. I been told numerous stories about people and their cancer but 0 about people and their depression other than this cite. For soooo long i tried to fight this depression seeking anything to give me some excitement. I been broke, i been rich and i am still depressed. I been single i have been in relationships and i am still depressed. I cut did drugs, drank, made a date to end it all and i am still depressed. Some time last year, i realized that i am just going to except this illness, become 1 with it and live day by day the best I can. Part of this is taking time to yourself. Go to the bathroom do what you got to do then come out. If you need a moment take it. Just focus on getting through one more day. I don’t think past tomorrow I check my work schedule to the next day i work, i try not to plan things. Depression is there no matter what i do or take it always comes back. I dropped most of my meds and made a decision that if this is going to be a part of my life then i might as well try to live with it for now. And if it beats me then that’s fine at least I’ll have the comfort that i tried.

  • Anonymous-23

    Wow. I feel better. Hang in there you guys. It could be worse.

  • Anonymous-24

    and to think I was the only one with these thoughts and feelings that come from somewhere, maybe deep inside oneself? or is it a combination of millions of outside influences that cause the confusion and distortion of what was once thought to be the "normal" world.

    I've found myself asking these questions (to myself) for over 18 years now. I'm now 34. For all of you who felt the need to post here, THank You! There's some comforting feeling in reading your posts, none of us is the only one...I've realized (or am trying to) that the "normal" world is the one I make for myself every day. The problem is putting it into practice, ya it's hard.

    I think I found a "cure" for feeling so crappy all the time, for not being able to breath, for breathing too much at times (hyperventalating), for the neverending flow of tears that come without provocation.

    ah, you'll think I'm nuts....

  • A

    Wow. I'm sure you guys are tired of reading this, but "me too!" I am 24, single mother of three kids, and they are the only reason I am alive now. I did put myself in the hospital, and I have been baker-acted. Honestly, it was like a vacation from all the stresses of my life. When I was in the hospital, I knew I couldn't take on all of my problems, and I was truly helpless. I swallowed 22 100mg Trazadone, and from what I was told later, my heart stopped, I guess not long enough for the white-light and all that, if that's all true. But while in the hospital, I kept telling myself I am alive for a reason, and I was going to make the best of my life, etc... and now, 4 months later, I am right back where I was when I took the pills. I have my kids, some "friends", my mother lives close by, although sometimes that makes things worse, an off and on boyfriend, and noone can help me. I am miserable, and honestly, I want to be left alone. I have this horrible urge to run away. I have contemplated it, but as usual, I could never do it because of everyone else... don't want to leave my children, don't want to worry my mother or my boyf, or my friends... I have become slightly agorophobic, not wanting to socialize or even step foot out my front door. I have these crazy mood swings, and I'm constantly making myself feel guilty about it. I swore I would never take meds for it, but I am on my fourth now in a 6 month span. I started on celexa, they didn't give it much time to work, then I voluntarily went to a mental health facility for 3 days, just to humor my counselor, where they switched me to Prozac, and while they had me there, all I did was sleep, Prozac and Trazadone, and I was a zombie, I sometimes got up to eat and use the bathroom, but other than that I slept. My blood pressure at night was coming up 43/39 and crazy readings like that, where they would make me get up walk around and recheck it, because it was too low for their paperwork I guess. I wanted out, because I hate being confined, but once I got in my car and got on the road headed home, I wanted to go back. But then who would have my kids? Who would take care of my bills? Would I still have a job? Etc.... So I disregarded my own gut instinct that I wasn't ready to go home, and about a month later I was switched to Geodon and Trazadone, and this stuff had me in a state that my boss sent me home and I was so out of it I was scared to drive. I was lucky to make it to the bathroom it was so hard to wake up and get out of bed. So I quit taking it, two days later I locked myself in the bathroom and took the bottle of Trazadone, and woke up in a hospital, lucky my boyf had called 911, and also extremely lucky to still have my kids. However, I was baker-acted, sent out of the county because I am on Medicaid, and they didn't have a bed for me anywhere near here, promised all of this support and social workers and help when I went home, 2 days later, and have not heard the 1st thing from them. TWO DAYS...I attempted, almost succesfully, to kill myself, and they sent me home to my three kids and empty house 2 days later. Of course since then I have been fighting the urge to do stupid things to myself, or just disappear one day, or who knows what...? I cannot even get my counselor to call me back, and the psychiatrist I see was never notified of my little ordeal or my hospital stay or the Baker-acting.... what kind of help is this? They switch your meds all over the place and send you on your way, and they tell me they have to "experiment" with different meds until we find the right one for me... They are toying with my life. Now I am on Wellbutrin. 300mg/day, which I am told is a strong dosage. It seemed to help, for about a month and a half....maybe. And now I am back to where I was, it has no effect whatsoever. One minute I am happy. The littlest thing can make me SO angry, or SO extremely sad. And once I am angry or really down, I can't seem to shake it. Noone I am close to seems to understand. I feel completely hopeless and helpless. I know this can't be good for my kids. I feel horrible when they see me cry or go into a rage. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, with a possibilty of Bipolar Disorder. So what? Now we have a name for what's wrong with me. Whoopty friggin' doo. This is NOT me! I was smart, funny, outgoing... Is there a way to make it better? I am now jobless, living on income based housing and food stamps, and absolutely at the end of my rope. I was in honors classes in school, started college, was supposed to go into the military, had a steady job up until a few months ago, and since then it's been off and on, because I have to force myself to go into work. I want things to get better, but at times I feel like "why even try?" I feel like the world's biggest failure, even though I am sure there are people worse off than me. I am seeking help, and all it's done is get my hopes up and possibly made things worse than they were. If anyone wants to talk, please feel free to email me. I know this is a lot, but it feels good to get it out and know the people who actually read it all might understand me... Bye for now...

  • Anonymous-25

    Hey, its okay if you feel depressed. Im not even sixteen yet and i've felt depressed for almost 3 years now. I think it might be that bipolar disorder thing. Seriously, i felt so horrible so often. I never wanted to go outside, cos i felt i wouldnt be accepted, i never wanted to hang out with my family, cos every litle thing they did hurt me, and i was sick of it. Like, i have a sister that just seems to be little miss perfect. everyone loves her, she has a load of friends, she is always able to be happy, she pretty much has a boyfriend who i guess you could say is a jock (and i hate him). I also have a brother whose captain of the basketball team, always has a bunch of friends, he is obviosly my mom's favorite...And i'm like "well, if its like this, what s the point of me being here?" i always felt that i shouldnt have been born. i sometimes felt that i should die, cut myself or something, but that just made me think i was even more pathetic co i knew i wasnt strong enough to do that. so i kept saying " i shouldnt have been born". to top it all of, compared to the rest of my immediate family, i'm fat. AND once my mom told me that i was ugly, so i was like "crap, if you dont like me, why did you bother having me?" you know???

    But in my few years of life i've been through a lot. I lived in the ghetto, starving every afternoon cos my mom didnt care to provide for me (she was always at church praising God and denying that she had a family), my dad tried but couldnt relly, and i had to live off my grandma's money. Along with the rest of practically the whole family. so we all lived under one roof, starving together. i didnt even know how to use a computer until 3 yrs ago. Which was when i came to america. I hadnt realized how much i missed my family until i came here and got all depresed and stuff. Oh, and after we left, it seemed like everyone we'd left behind, everyone that we knew was dying. we always heard "oh your uncle just died". i only found pleasure in books, cos i knew that the characters in there would always be faithful to me and never hurt me. They were the only ones i could trust. I was always writing in my diary " i want to die, cos blah blah blah" you know? I still write it sometimes, but not as much as before. Ive actually gotten better,

    What was my medicine you ask? everything i had left behind as a kid. I know of people who go find new pleasures, new thing to try to please themselves. But really. What i do is i write in my diary (put the date and the time im writing) whatever i feel whenever i feel. Cos i've had some times when i didnt feel anything. Like Christmas Eve. I knew the holiday was going to be boring like it was the past three Christmases, away from my family, so i was just like "wow. im bored". But when i felt sad, like the christmas before when my mom sent me to my room for practically the whole day, cos i was still in depression. she didnt know it was depression though, she didnt care. i dont know if she even would've noticed if i had just had enough and run away. I also do whatever i find interesting now. Like i love writing. i make up some story and write out my feelings as the character's feelings, and my sister and my friends like reading it cos i know how to make things funny. i also like drawing, or splattering paint all over paper, to express my feelings, and then i stack it away. by the time im done, i feel fine, and then a few days, maybe weeks, months or yrs later, i go back and look at it, and i just have to smile at what i did. like "wow, i was such an idiot." but still smiling and feeling way uplifted all the same.

    i go back to things that used to please me when i was a kid. simple things that i used to do before with my family. laugh at memories of the dumb things ive done. like getting stuck in a tree at 7 with a freaky looking caterpillar and crying till my grandma got home and helped me out. or getting mad whenever i was the first one found in hide and seek and being all "i dont wanna play anymore". you know, memories. Im not saying it'll work for everyone. i cant predict the future. Maybe it wont work for anyone at all, but it could be worth a shot. family, friends, old pleasures, stuff like that. like, i hate going out, when my dad asks if i wanna go somewhere with everyone, im usually like "no. are you kidding?" but whenever i force myself to go, i realize that wow, i actually had fun.

    and one more thing before i go, cos im supposed to be doing homework right now, i personally think that the people that get depressed are the best people there are. why? they may hurt everyone and all, but thats just it. Ive hurt people multiple times. i think that depressed people get depressed because they have the biggest hearts. they have the potential to reach out to everyone. have you ever heard a depressed person speak? it can be heart wrenching. being able to reach out to people you dont even know and telling them the honest truth, is just amazing. if you can make strangers feel like they're about to cry, imagine what will happen when you tell the ones who care about you,and vice versa. like, dont tell a child who wont understand a thing, or someone that will feel its all their fault that you feel this way. but resort to someone who cares that can understand. the way to fix you is to make them see you and your problem. see how you feel. you know?

    thats what i think. i really hope this helps some of you. if not, im incredibly sorry. i understand the hurt, and i hope you can all feel hopeful again.

  • i dont like my name

    i completely understand what you guys are feeling, Im not even 17 yet (not even 16) and ive been depressed for 3 years. i actually am getting over it. its not that horrible anymore. of course, i want to die sometimes, but thats only when that time of the month comes around. for the most part. sometimes i feel i have no reason to be depressed, cos i dont really have people in my family with heart problems, no boyfriend troubles, not really any sibling troubles, stuff like that. when i feel i have no reason to act like i do sometimes, i start thinking, "i wish i had a reason to be so depressed" and then i stop right there. cos i never want my family to hurt. i feel they dont care about me quite often. but i care about them a lot. my dad says its because im a loving child, and i have a big heart. maybe all depressed people have big hearts. which is why they get depressed. i dunno. i just felt i needed to confine something in someone other than my family. mys sister doesnt understand, shes too perfect. my brother doesnt, he's too friendly. my dad is having troubles with work, and he's a lot like me, so he's cool. but i feel i shouldnt confine in him, he has enough troubles to begin with. and i hate making people worried about me. my mom, well, she has God. so do i, but i dont nelect family like she used to. Im not sure what shes doing right now. if she cares or not, but she does more than she did before.

    im just living life, day by day. hoping something will comealong to make me accepted by my friends, some of whom dont care. others dont understand, and others dont try to. oh well. sometimes i wonder if they really are my friends. i know a few of them that are, even if they dont know how i feel often, best friend confuses me. she likes older people, and since im not old. im just, old news. no fun anymore. she'll talk to me when she has no one else to talk to. but as soon as theres someone more mature than i am, i just fade into the background. i dunno, i must not be a very intertesting person. but, im happier than i used to me, at least. i feel theres something to look forward to for the next day, the next moment...

    unless its math class. ew. hate math. hee hee.

    but, i pray and hope that something will keep me happy for the time being, so i wont resort to any of the dangerous things that i used to think of.

    i read a few of the comments and was all "aww!!". i felt sad, i really did. especially for that art guy who lost his girlfriend. im sorry. i love art too, so i understand what you mean in saying what you did. i dont understand relationship things, but i wont judge you either.

    i hope that everyone on this site feels better really soon. im only recovering, and i sometimes lapse back into the sorrows of yesterday, but hey, i have tomorrow to look forward to. and a sex talk in science class. ew. oh well. maybe i'll be more mature by the end of it, and my friend will accept me again.

    i hope you all get better...did i already say that? sorry. but i do. please dont stop trying, you'll get to your goal. sounds like something retarded from like disney channel, but, yeah. please persist until you make it. thats what im trying to do. maybe it'll work for you guys too.

  • Dawn Marie

    U know i am ^%#@ up too ben that way, then convinced myself i was normarmal. Then i got mad at myselfe becuse i wasn't. it good then its not and so on and so on i am so tired of livin this lie to myself, getting hurt by people that i know that are going to hurt me and all that shit that goes along wih it just being sick and tired of being sick and tiered of all the same old story same old shit i did this to myself becuse why would i be he now......................... i am sick of all this i am sorry that sound the way it it does but what else...............................??????????????????????

  • Anonymous-26

    i am really searching for a reason to continue living.. and cant seem to find one.. i am 43 years old have diabetes which seems to get worse, being overweight and addicted to sweets naturally doesnt help my condition, my family in particular my parents just seem to tell me to snap out of it.. do things i enjoy and i will feel better as if this is solid and reasonable advice, they say hurtful and messed up things to me and we seem to just constantly fight when we are around each other, i hate my job to no end they pay is barely enough to survive let alone get ahead and the thought of going there in the mornings really makes me physcially ill, im divorced for over 10 yrs have no children the one thing in this world that i wanted more then anything,which seems i will never ever get to experience motherhood at this rate.. havent had a decent relationship and cant seem to find anyone who doesnt want to just sleep with me. i have one friend in this world who lives over a thousand miles away and has problems in her own life.. i am alone about 95 percent of the time, have no one really to talk to about my feelings or anything else for that matter, i think about just swallowing a bottle of pills and laying down and going to sleep for good.. can anyone.. tell me why i shouldnt? can anyone give me a reason to keep going day after day with disappointment after disappointment and nothing to look forward to, and no joy or happiness? anyone??????

  • Anonymous-27

    I am a mother of a 2 month old and I have been feeling so depressed and angry and hurt at every little thing. It doesnt help that my bf mother looks at me like im a little kid and doesnt think im a good mother when I have a better job then she does and I make more money! Im 23 wtf I know im younger then I should be to be having kids but I feel like im mature enough to handle it. I have been doing the best I can to raise my son and I feel like im doing a pretty good damn job at it! So I dont understand why I feel like crap. I feel like taking pain killers just to make everything seem better. Even though I stop myself from taking them I still have that thought in the back of my mind. I never feeling like doing anything any more but sleep. I come home and take care of my baby and do nothing but lay around the house. I also for no reason just start to bust out in tears because I feel so unhappy. Im so stressed out I am always thinking about every little thing thats wrong in my life. I really do believe I need help. Or even to just to talk to someone I think would make me feel better. My boyfriends just doesnt seem to understand me. Anyone have any suggestions?

  • Anonymous-28

    i didn't realize how bad i was until i flipped out in a wedding dress shop today. im suppose to be a bridesmaid and i freaked after trying on dresses that i hated and i realized i hate my body, life , my dad, sometimes my friends , and my whole life. i feel worthless and ugly. i feel like i gave my life to others and forgot about myself. im 15 and feel like i should just give up now. no i dont mean kill myself i mean runaway or just stop talking so i fade into the back round even more. im ready for my heart to be whole again but at this point it never will. i will just have to let myself die inside slowly because as i see it i will never be me again.

  • mario

    i am 20, i am not sure how long i am depressed, people that i know over the internet told me that something is not right with me and then i i was taking a look at myself: i think a lot about death (suicide sometimes as well, i never did it though nor did i hurt myself), i am mostly sad, i can have fun and smile but in the end of the day i am sad. I don't see any hope in the future, no reason to live on and i feel like if i would die today that i would not really rerget the fact that i won't see what tomorrow brings. I have friends but i don't feel like going out even though i have nothing better to do, i just sit at home and do stuff on my PC, i like to be alone, i have a lot of negative thoughts, i don't enjoy things in my life i used to do when i was younger, i feel bad about myself. In my life i don't really have problems, but anything i dreamed of and that did happen just doesn't make me happy, i think that even if i would be rich and had a lot of free time and could do anything i want i would steel feel like now. I lost my hope in god over time, the fact that there is something like that just doesn't make sense for me cause when i look at the world i can't belive that it is ok and that if there is a god that he would want it like that.

    Life just seams boring to me, i am tired of it even though i am young and have alot coming, but it all just doesn't seams worth living for, i know my familiy and friends love me thats why i never told them i guess.

    I don't talk to the people i know about how i feel about the world and life cause i know i would not like there reaction, i told my friend the other day that i am depressed and that i might need help, but i don't feel any better about it, i feel like when others know that i am depressed think about death that i will be more of a outsider then i already am.

    Its hard to say how much depressed i am and how serious it is thats why i got here, i see a lot of you have it a lot harder then i do

  • Tamara

    If you are over 35, female (even male in some instances) and have all the symptoms of depression but medication isn't quite helping it could be that your hormone levels are out-of-balance. Please give this a shot it will do wonders. See a medical doctor, ladies an OBGYN have your hormone levels checked. Estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, thyroid, FSH and LH. You may be surprised at what you find. There have been several great episodes on peri-menopause lately see for more info. I had mine checked and WOW was I surprised. . . . . .

  • Jim

    I am sure that many of us reading your comment can feel for you right now. I hope you have decided to continue living.

    I'm glad you asked the question. I suggest that the next time you feel suicidal, you go to a priest or pastor and share many of the thoughts you have shared here. I did. And, it helped. And, the person I talked with allowed me to let it all out. There's also the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK(8255). I think it best to talk with a live person face-to-face.

    Yes, living is better than dead, don't you think so?

    The person you talk with should allow you to purge and provide some assistance. They can usually suggest the next step that all of us need to take. That is to take measures to protect you from the depressed moods that you don't deserve. You deserve to be happy and there are many wonderful people who can help you.

    It sounds like your circle of family and friends can't help you right now. They are obviously hurting and aren't coping with life very well either. The person who helps you will help you find ways of relating to family and friends that does not continue to aggravate you.

    You said you are alone 95% of the time and that you have no one to talk to. Just make contact with one person whom you can trust who is experienced in ways that can help you.

    Please do it for yourself. From someone who has been there, I know that once you start, you can rest in the confidence that you are beginning the path to turn your life around. It is nice to hope again, even if it's just a little bit of hope.

  • Cody

    Hi, my name is Cody and I'm 22 years old. I have lost all interest in everything. I frankly don't care about anything and I see this in my daily life. It's not right. I have been an active musician for the passsed 12 years and at one point i was happy. Iwas living life and I loved. But now i havent even touched my instrument for 2 months. I don't see what the purpose is anymore. I feel nothing but sadness, regret, anger, and anxioty all the time. If anyone is out there please let me know what i can do to fix the problem so i can go on to live a happy fullfilled life.

  • A

    I posted a longer comment before and I don't know, why it has not posted yet.

    I do understand how everyone feels with this, exercise, good food, maintaining occupied with work and/ or study and getting out and meeting with friends may help quite a bit, besides therapy and medication.

    In my case, I am reaching out for help as well. My ex, battled depression for 4 years at a very major level. We started dating 4 years ago and I never knew she had this problem, she would dissapear for a while and I would not think much of it, when she felt better she would come back to me and we would continue our relationship. Last year 2008, right around my birthday, she decided that she wanted an "official" relationship, meaning more serious and closer. This is when I started discovering that she had been to the hospital. That she needed to take meds and helped her through on several episodes, since all of her family had abandoned her and do not talk to her, unless she calls. They have given up on her.

    Well, it brought me down a lot of times, to be able to cheer her up for days, until she would get better. She was very loving to me and one of the best girls, I have seen on her good side. Yet sometimes, she would turn on me, it seems that she may have possibly had a split personality, slightly ... not sure if that would be a borderling disoerder ? Anyways, I realized that I was always there to help her, yet more then a few times, she just left me hanging, but would always seek for help.

    This ended up in a really bad way, for my birthday. I simply went to visit her, wanting closure. Wanting to end this in person. She had requested to keep the relationship with me, yet was not seeing me much the last month. She would call me, begging me to see her, to talk to her, yet when I would call she would start venting on me, screaming, being extremely upset and cold. All this and then she would call the next day and apologize.

    Well, on Valentine's Day and my birthday, when I went to talk to her, to end this and also took her a few gifts to cheer her up ... she ended up storming out of the house, angry at me. Got into her car quickly and backed up hitting me on my knee with the bumpers of her car. At this point, I will never forget the crazy face she had ... how she was wanting to cry and stop, but something inside was not letting her ... she just left and hit me with her car. The worst part is that she had been in touch a lot with my mother. Had asked her to keep visiting her while "we" worked this out. My mother had asked me to please bring her along, in case she had an agressive reaction. Well, my mother ended up getting hit by the car as well, because she tried to push me out of the way.

    Now, I am reading even more about psychology, I feel this has left a trauma on me now ... with women. I need to stay strong and remember, that I have had beautiful loving girlfriends in the past, who were very nice and nothing at all like this. I just feel that in the need to stay and try to fix her, I may have caused myself to get some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder in trying to fix her. I am also left with a huge depression, by this void. This is a relationship, that went through for 4 years. She always claimed that she loved me more then I loved her. That I was her "angel" and the best person she had met in her life. She did treat me good, but had these angry episodes. She also did have a "psychological" pregnancy twice, during the last year. Where she believed to be pregnant, her period delayed a lot and she would run to the bathroom and vomit, convinced that she was pregnant. I know that she did love me a lot, I do believe her, yet this other side, has caused such mixed feelings in my life, that it has left a huge void now in my heart, soul and psyche. This was a person, that was telling everyone, how much she loved me and calling me her "fiancee" or "husband". I felt like I was beginning to have a family with her at times and now it is all broken apart and like the worst nightmare I could have ever imagined.

    I have even lost my job at this point ... and well, may not even be able to pay my rent if I do not get something soon. All my friends, say that I am different. I am always the one to inspire friends, to be strong for them and give them good advice and lately I feel useless, powerless ... and hopeless.


  • Julie


    I am trying to think of a reason to go on. My boyfriend broke up with me after I found out he was looking for someone else on the internet. We dated for a year and a half. Not only did he break up with me before I got the chance to break up with him, he got mad at me. He has some nerve. Ever since this happened last night we have been exchanging angry judgemental e-mails back and forth. I suffer from severe major depression that is med resistant. I have suffered from this depression and anxiety most of my life. It has been a living hell. My family does not call me anymore. My sister whom I used to talk to every day does not call me anymore or have time for me anymore. My parents don't call me. My mother tries to be supportive when I call her. My father is an alchoholic and not healthy so I try to avoid him. Until this past year and a half my family has been there and been very supportive. Now its like I don't even exist. I also lost my best friend of five years because I didn't call her right back. She started getting symptomatic and paranoid from her illness. I try so hard to be a nice person and not offend people. Until this happened she had always been there for me. I thought she was the most wonderful person. Then she wrote me this nasty letter with all these lies and accusations about me that weren't true.

    My boyfriend who has a physical disability had the nerve to shove my depression in my face and tell me that I am feeling sorry for myself and wasting my college degree. He also told me that I should get a regular full time job and stop accepting financial help from my mother because she is not going to be around forever. This comming from a guy who lives at home with his mother and father who shelter him and do everything for him. He could never live on his own. He has very little responsibility and practically none at home. He doesn't pay bills. He doesn't have his own bank account. His mother cooks for him and does his laundry. Why does he think he has the right to judge me. My depression is a physical illness just like his. I was born with a chemical imbalance. It runs heavily on my mothers side of the family. I have come so far in the past year. I went from not being able to get out of bed to keeping a part time job for a year. I teach swimming lessons at my gym. I also swim 100 laps at least five days a week and competed in a mini triathlon. I volunteer. Despite this I am severly depressed. I am 42 years old and have never been married and I don't have kids. I will never have kids at this point and am smart enough not to with my illness, even though I am wonderful with the kids I teach. I also have a college degree which my ex-boyfriend says I am wasting. I don't think anyone can possibly understand the hell of clinical depression unless they experience it themselves.

    Relationships with anyone seem impossible. I don't know how people can hide this illness from others re: the women that would disapear and go to the hospital and not tell her boyfriend. The only personal relationships I have right now are with people from my support group who I find extremely difficult to deal with because of their illnesses. I want to lead a life outside my mental illness. I don't want to just be friends with people who are mentally ill. I am so sick of people telling me that I am lazy. Who would ask for this life. Unlike people who are depressed and say they have no reason to be. People that have a great husband, great kids, a nice career, friends I don't have any of this and therefore have plenty of reason to be depressed. Besides my chemical imbalance my biggest problem is dealing with other people and trying so hard to convince them that I do not choose to be this way. I don't know what to do with all my anger and jealousy and hatred towards this disease and my self. In many ways I find it much easier to be alone then to deal with others but yet I long to be a part of something and to connect with people. As time goes on I feel farther and farther away and disconnected from the real world. I have been so hurt and so abused in my life. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am still a friendly person despite this but I have such a wall up. It is a living hell. I am constantly monitering everything that comes out of my mouth so that I do not hurt anyone yet I will put myself down at the drop of a hat.

    I am so mad at my ex-boyfriend for all his harsh judgements against me and I am so mad at my family for abandoning me. Unlike others who suffer from this disease I do not fly into rages, take drugs or take my crap out on others. I take it all out on myself. I am tired of feeling like a victim and being abused. I am a very strong person. I stuck it out at work despite my boss who yelled at me and was extremely judgemental. Now things are going well at work and my boss likes me. In the beginning I had a problem getting to work and I think she held this against me. She would yell at me for every little thing. She does not know about my depression and I don't think she would care if I told her. She just cares that I do a good job and show up when I am supposed to. I am terrified that without the support of my ex-boyfriend that I will slide down hill again and not be able to get out of bed. I do not want to burden anyone with my problems. Unlike my ex-boyfriend who has alot of friends. I do not have that many. It is very difficult to have relationships with this illness.

    I am so angry that my life has turned out the way it has because I had so much potential. I am extremely smart. I am good looking. I am athletic. I have a college degree. I don't know how to get rid of the emotional baggage and hurt. I believe that if I was lucky enough to have a more supportive family then I could have had a far different life. I have so much anger towards my parents. They left me to rot in a psychiatric hospital where I was being physically and emotionally abused for the crime of having depression. I do not know what I did to this day to deserve restraints, to deserve being locked up in a little room with padded walls and a small window for days at a time. Despite that I went on to college and worked my whole life until I went on disability six years ago. I was attempting to be a Network Engineer but got fired. At that point I was tired of trying to work in the dysfunctional corporate world with this illness. Instead of picking up the pieces and getting another job I became immobolized, losing my apartment and sinking into a severe depression. I went from being a network engineer to working as a cashier at Lowes. With no money and nowhere to live I was forced to live in a supervised apartment where I had to deal with belittling social workers and nurses and people who were far sicker than me. Sociopaths, etc. My family could have realized I didn't belong there and take me in until I could get better or help me pay for my own place until I could get back on my feet. My sister has alot of money. I am so angry at them for not being there for me. I am so angry that people who are far dumber than me and sicker than me have better lives. My spirit has been broken. I am so damaged. I had to live in that toxic environment for five years before i got my own apartment. My sister told me that I should stop trying to blame people and places. Lets see her try to live in the environment I had to for five years and deal with social workers who treated you like crap. Who made you say the word purple whenever you thought you would get mad. Who would not help you find other housing. Who took your mail box key away because some sociopath said you were stealing her mail. I could have avoided that five years with the proper help. Instead of getting better I spent the whole time defending myself and speaking up for myself. Enough of this crap. I am more determined than ever to make it in this world but I should not have to live with this hell. After I swim I feel good but I can't swim 24 hours a day and I can't stand comming down after I feel good. I want to make choices in my life. I want to love myself. I want to stop beating myself up. I can't do this unless someone helps me with this horrible head of mine. It is a living hell.

  • A

    I too, swim a lot at my gym. It has been one of the best things for my chemical and emotional balance. Keep swimming and doing anything else, that you find that helps you feel better.

    I wish my ex, would have had any type of support at all from her family. She is alone now, again and I am in pain in my body and soul, after an abrupt and really bad breakup, from which I feel, that I cannot go back to her again.

    You can do it, I see a lot of strength in you as well, as intelligence in the direction to go. Keep going ! Stay strong !

    Wanted to share something with you, I hope it can be inspirational, it is for me, even though now, I am having a hard time, getting out of bed as well and I feel, I may have depression now, after dealing with my ex's episodes for such a long time, here it goes:

    and yes, I do know, it has got to be horrible. I may be experiencing this condition now, after a long time of dealing with it, with my ex. Best of luck, to you.

  • Lisbeth

    I'm twenty five years old. When I was eighteen, I abruptly and suddenly developed severe depression, perhaps in part due to some very difficult life circumstances. This depression never left me. I tried different medications and counsellors and have a wonderful and fully supportive family who do their best to understand what I go through and to sympathize. School and working has been difficult, but along with my depression I also possess a very strong drive to succeed as I am afraid of failure and being judged as such and so I've kept pushing through in both areas. One person in this comments list talked about how she doesn't know who she would be without the depression. That's exactly how I felt. My identity and everything I thought I knew about myself - I was outgoing, talkative, intelligent, brash, witty, brave - had changed. I was withdrawn, silent, and always felt that I was being perpetually judged by the world around me. While I often wanted to be dead, I rarely thought of suicide because I know if I did it, my mother would certainly do it as well (she also suffers from depression) and I could never do that to my sisters. This past summer I went from my usual ongoing low level depression into an even darker place. I was beyond sadness, beyond depression, and into despair. My doctor referred me to a mental health organization in my town, as he years ago told me he didn't know what to do with me. Of course it took about three months for me to get in to see anyone and by that time I had begun clawing my way out and regaining my own form of normalcy - feeling worthless, etc. but at least not crying and sleeping all day. I saw a psychiatrist (I have three others previously) and he agreed I have severe major depression and switched up my medication. I also began counseling with a counsellor. Somehow over the last four months, I've been finding my old self again. I am still paranoid about being judged by other people, but I try to tell myself that I shouldn't care what they think anyway. I feel more confident and just more happy in general. I still have Bad Days (and we all know what those feel like) but they are less frequent and don't stretch out to weeks at a time. The point I'm trying to make is this: as dark as things may be and often are, if you can find the right kind of medication and the right kind of help, it is possible to feel better. That's all I really wanted to say. After six years I'd stopped believing it was possible. I thought that I was going to feel awful and worthless and useless forever. And that has finally changed. I'm fully aware that depression will probably come back sometime and drag me back down. But at least now I know I can make it out the other side. Please don't see this as one of those stupid "snap out of it" posts, and really please don't group this with those bloody "accept god and you'll feel better" posts. Just know that someone who was irrational, self harming, sleeping eighteen hours a day, paranoid, hallucinating, full of self hatred and self disgust, is somehow miraculously making her way out of it and finding herself again, and that means that maybe you can too.



  • alma

    It feels good to read other people's comments and storie. I myself have been coping with major depressive episodes on and off since I was about 17. My mother is bipolar, so it seems I get it from her side of the family. Besides dealing with my own problems having worked only 12 out of the last 14 months because of this downward economy, losing my car, my apartment, and serious problems with my boyfriend who I was living with at the time I lost my apartment.... I also have to deal with my mother who is homeless at the moment and refuses to accept that she needs help....

    My father recently divorced my mother and the rest of the family on my mothers side being anything but helpful, it is so hard to deal with all of this. Everyone expects me to do something to help my mother when I can't even do anything to help myself. It is so hard to put myself out there everyday trying to put some meaning in my life when I can't even find a job. I am 27, college educated, and sleeping on my dad's couch. I was pretty close to being suicidal a few months back. If my boyfriend hadn't walked in on me I probably would have been in a hospital or in a grave. And then having my mother come in every other week or so just to argue and stir up trouble is not easy either.

    I understand how some of you feel. How it seems that the world is out to get you. How angry you feel at the world, watching all the people around you live comfortably, get engaged, build lives for themselves and you're just at the bottom, not even being able to scrape out an existence for yourself. When I was in college I was at least able to see the school therapist - now I can't even afford to go in for a check up....

  • Lisa

    I am 44 and I am so unhappy. I have a history of depression in my family and can't keep a job, I am having trouble with my memory, and just can't feel any hope. I was on Cymbalta and then on Zoloft and both never changed my outlook on life. I stopped taking the Zoloft and thought I was doing better but I still missed work, even though I thought it wasn't from depression because I didn't have that "thing"in the pit of my stomach anymore. I am not lazy at all, when I do go to work, i give 110% and I loved my last job. I do self-medicate with Tramadol, Klonopin, and take Ambian at night along with 2 or 3 tylenol pm's. I know this is not good and I know I need to be on a anti-deppresant but I have no idea which one and I want to go to work everyday like everyone else. Even my mom, who was very depressed and suicidal went to work. She got up every day and went. If I could at least do that, I think other things would fall into place. When I am working, I only take 1 klonopin and 2 or 3 tramdol during the day but can i love a job and then can't get up and go...please help, maybe some names of anti-deppresants that helped in this area would really be great. By the way, my mother did have a chemical imbalance and self-medicated and both grandmothers, one had shock treatments way back when and the other apparently self medicated for awhile until my grandfather put a stop to it. I could never tell you my life history cause that would way too much typing. Right now I just want to be able to get a job and not lose it due to missing too much work. My mother never missed work. So if anyone knows of SOMETHING, then please give me a name because this is getting worse and this economy is not good. Thanks

  • lolly

    Hi. its so sad to read that so many people are suffering. I'm 17 and have suffered some kind of depression scince i was about 13. i have self harmed and taken 3 over doses. the most recent just over a week ago. professionals within the NHS are, sorry to say, quite useless. they just expect you to know all the answers, which if you knew you wouldnt be as low as you are. they dont try to get to know you and make you feel comfortable, how are you ment to open up to some one you dont know or trust???? I've found my community phyciatric nurse quite patronising, telling me if i dont take the tablets i've been prescribed nothing will get better! as alot of you may know anti=depressants are horrible to take and the side effects can be horrendous. and fancy telling some one your notgoing to get better with out drugs. Last night i thought to hell with it i'll try open up to my self, i wrote down what makes me angry, why am i so angry? what makes me tearful and sad? why do i feel like that realy? for every negetive thing i wrote i thought of a positve and if i couldnt i would wirte why not??? whats missing what can i do to help myself, easier said than done!! but slowly over a couple of hours every thing that has been wirling around my head, every thing i feel guilty about, every thing i feel angry and sad about, every thing i have tried to hide was there on the paper. now i feel like when i see my CPN again i can give her that and hopefuly it'll answer her questions. its so hard to get 'positive' i've had to give myself a hard kick into gear, i try and set myself goals for each day just simple things like, take the dog for a walk, attempt some sourse work, have a tidy up, things that most people just do with out thought, but the things that become so hard when you depressed. I'm also going to try : emotional freedom technique, wich is bsed on life coaching and massage seems abit far out, but i think it will help.

    You just have to find some inner stength and realy be honist with youself and identify the route course of your unhappiness, wether its one huge thing, or lots of little things that have built up, there is hope, if you cant tr writting things down, not to make them better but to idetify the prob and if you feel you can then professional help is a gd idea jst so that some one knows and may b they'll give you some useful info and help. please guys dont give up on yourselves. xx

  • kelly

    my mum has tryed to kill herself her last attempt was only last week and she did almost die she ended up in ITU for 2 days and needed to be put on a machine that keepet her alive she was put on medicine to try and counteract the tablets thats she had took after one and half days she woke up and was moved to HDU where she stayed for another four days a doctor asked her if she had planed to kill herself she said yes she has just been moved down to a normal ward where she is so unhapy and she asked me to bring her home.

    Before she is released she needs to talk to cpn about her problems.

    They still don't now what kind of damage she has done with the pill's she took over 200 tablets.

    She see's a dr for her deprssion once ever three mths for half an hour which is not alot of time for somebody who has tryed sucide 10 times there is only so much i can do to help her i have my own family to look after now and i have tryed my best

    The only question i have left now is how many times does somebody need to hurt themselves before somebody helps them does it take this wahat she has done??????????????????????????????

  • Genny

    Hi, im 18 and have been depressed from the age of 9, and its getting so bad i cant even function like a person should! I have a daughter that is 9 months old, and her father wants nothing to do with her, so its me and her. I have been thru basicly all types of abuse, and i have not talked to anyone about any of it. and i just cant take it anymore, its not just hurting me anymore, its hurting my daughter! My whole life i just didnt feel like anyone rly loved me... and i really cant take it anymore! I dont have money to see someone that can help me, and i was wondering if anyone could help me find help....

  • Anonymous-29

    i am so tired. have nothing to look forward to except death.

    i have an 18 year old son, and he's the only one that keeps me going,

  • Christine

    I have suffered from anxiety, depression and panic disorder since I was not quite 20 years old. I have been to so many therapists and psychiatrists I could even tell you how many. I have been medicated with dozens of different meds through out the years. I do fine for a period of time and then I hit bottom, not being able to work, face the world or be productive. I am in one of my major down swings now and while I would never take my life I must say sometimes I feel like a lot of people would be better off with out me. When I am doing good I love my job, I get along with people and I am easy going & fun. I have never been formally diagnosed as bi-polar but often wonder because of the cyclical highs and lows I have. I feel as if I am sort of a manic. Happy and sweet as can be sometimes and the next day miserable and bringing down the whole world around me... can anyone suggest any form of therapy to help other than meds not that I am against meds I am currently medicated and it doesn't seem to help.

  • Judi

    Hi Christine

    I know how you feel. I have suffered from depression since early teens but did not have major depression adult well into adulthood. The medication can be confusing because it is not a cure that a lot of people think it is. The medication just dulls the depression and make like more managable on a day to day basis but the depression is still there. You can still feel it, live with it but it is a little easier to cover it up to others with the meds. I know psychiatrist might disagree with me about this but this is what I experience with them and I am on 2 different anti-depressants and almost max doasage. I tried to stop them once and ended up later in full blown major depression with panic attacks.

    I really lucked out with my psychologist. We are in tune with each other. I picked his name out of the phone book. I kept looking at his ad and was really drawn to his name and no one elses. I had tried Dr. suggested therapist but did not work out the same.

    I have not met a psychiatrist yet that I feel contected with or understands what I am going through. The last one thought the the pills should be working and everything should be fine now. At one point I felt so frustrated because I did not know how to explain to her what was wrong with me and started to cry so she asked me to leave her office and that she could not help me.

    If it was not for insurance purposes I would never go back to a psychiatrist as I don't think they understand depresssion and anxiety like psychotherapist do. To them it is all about medication and group therapy, which is the last thing I need.

  • Jason

    I've been searching Google for somewhere I could chat about what's been bothering me, while I didn't find what I was looking for which was I guess a chat room with some sort of professional but I think that finding this place was better.My depression can be so bad sometimes that I go to sleep praying not to wake up, while for various reasons I do not believe suicide is the answer I have been thinking about it very very often lately.I lost my job because of it, I smoke pot several times a day because of it, my family struggles so much with me trying so hard... just to bond with me because of it and I can not do it. I dont even know why I sometimes think I've figured it out and maybe I have... but dont have the ability to act on what I need most to do because of how much it will upset me and those involved at the time.After reading several other's stories... I want to apologize. I have no place venting here because I see several of you are in far worse situations then myself. I guess the reason I'm posting, is to try and offer help to you. I have no credentials but I know how bad I feel... and think I would understand how bad some of you feel.I want to offer you hope, love, and compassion. If you want to email me to talk, I encourage you to do so. It seems the times in my life where I remember being happy, I was always doing something for somebody who really needed it and with a world like ours where helping somebody else just without personal gain or an alterior motive is so rare... please dont hestitate.No one should feel this way, it is the most literal thing I could think of when I imagine the term 'hell on earth'Maybe the problem with all of us is we are separated from each other, and the reason we all feel this way is because we want to be united. When people work together instead of against each other the true potential of humanity is seen.

  • Jason

    I've been searching Google for somewhere I could chat about what's been bothering me, while I didn't find what I was looking for which was I guess a chat room with some sort of professional but I think that finding this place was better.My depression can be so bad sometimes that I go to sleep praying not to wake up, while for various reasons I do not believe suicide is the answer I have been thinking about it very very often lately.I lost my job because of it, I smoke pot several times a day because of it, my family struggles so much with me trying so hard... just to bond with me because of it and I can not do it. I dont even know why I sometimes think I've figured it out and maybe I have... but dont have the ability to act on what I need most to do because of how much it will upset me and those involved at the time.After reading several other's stories... I want to apologize. I have no place venting here because I see several of you are in far worse situations then myself. I guess the reason I'm posting, is to try and offer help to you. I have no credentials but I know how bad I feel... and think I would understand how bad some of you feel.I want to offer you hope, love, and compassion. If you want to email me to talk, I encourage you to do so. It seems the times in my life wCahere I remember being happy, I was always doing something for somebody who really needed it and with a world like ours where helping somebody else just without personal gain or an alterior motive is so rare... please dont hestitate.No one should feel this way, it is the most literal thing I could think of when I imagine the term 'hell on earth'Maybe the problem with all of us is we are separated from each other, and the reason we all feel this way is because we want to be united. When people work together instead of against each other the true potential of humanity is seen.

  • Anonymous-30

    i've been depressed since i was 10. i'm 29 now. i finally saw someone for the symptoms last fall, since then i've been hospitalized twice in two months. I was diagnosed with recurant major depression. I keep hearing - wait for the meds to work - they never do. meds are supposed to stablize me, but i feel worse than ever. i wish i could catch a break. my life is marked by failure.

  • Bri

    I am 15 and at the end of January my boyfriend committed suicide. a week after I myself attempted suicide. I was hospitalized and then when realeased I had to stay at a children's hospital for a week. My life at home has never been good. And now with my boyfriend gone I have never felt so alone. I am on medication and have a therapist & pshyciatist. I cut myself all over my stomache & back. If I dont cut then I have an anxiety attack. I use anything i have when I feel the need to cut. so far I have used: knives, scissors, keys, tweezers, and my own fingernails. Not only do I cut myself, but i bite the inner part of my lips, tear at my gums, peel my lips, pull my eyelashes & hair, tear the skin by my nails off, and pinch myself just to name a few.I used to want a future for me but now all I want is to die. My cuts & behavior are getting so bad that my therapist is considering sending me back to the Childrens health hospital.Part of me wants to stop and have a good life but my cutting is so bad now that I completely zone out when i do and I cant stop myself.Iv never been so alone and yet I have all the help in the world.Sometimes I feel bad for being such a bother cause i need so much help. This makes me wanna die even more cause if i wasnt here then noone would have to deal with me.I feel like the only one who really loved me and wanted me here was my boyfriend. But now hes gone and theres no one who really loves me.I dont want sympathy. Im just tired of pain.I havent always been unhappy. I used to be the perky and bright and funny but now Im always thinkin about "what if I just die"

  • mary jane

    I have experienced issues with depression since I was 9 years old, and am 20 now. I think depression has affected my interaction skills with other people and I am more of an anti-social person. I have never had very many friends, and I did not interact with other children well and have always been kind of a loner. I started to have suicidal thoughts when I was 13, continued to have them throughout highschool, and now have been experiencing thoughts again over the past couple of months. Depression seems to always be involved in my life, and I can’t remember the last time I felt the emotion of happiness. I also do not get excited over things that used to be important to me. I used to like to go out with friends, now all I want is to be left alone. I feel as though I have to force myself and try to maintain friendships. I have never been ever to get involved in a relationship, because I am just not an intimate person. I do not believe in love and just see it as a fairy tale. I do not think I will ever want to start a family. I have lately also been easily frustrated and angered over minor things. When I feel overwhelmed with these emotions I like to deal with it my punching things or digging my finger nails in my skin. If my hand gets bruised I am usually proud with the results. I have never had a close connection with any of my family members. I have been raised by a tough love relationship with them. They do not show me any respect. I do not believe they will ever take my depression seriously unless they were to discover my dead body. I have just recently came out to a close friend with my problems of depression, and all she told me to do was just not to think about it, and sort of brushed it aside. I cannot think about it if it is always just there in my head. I know that I should probably see a shrink, but I do not believe that any pill can solve this problem. Drugs sometimes do not affect my body. I have a good feeling that I will always experience depression. I do not want it to affect me to where I lose my job, or to a point where I can not take care of myself anymore. It’s like a never ending battle, a shadow that constantly tends to drift into my life.

  • Andrea

    Hi Mary Jane my name is Andrea and I'm 24 years old. I also suffer from depression. It's been almost two years and I still have a hard time coping with it. But I suggest that you get help wether it be medication or a therapist. They do help it will only get worse. I'm on two antidepressants and they help me cope with the sadness that's in my head. I tried to kill myself multiple times. I had a plan too. It got so bad that in March of this year I spent 3 days in a psych ward. I felt nuts like my mind was gone. I was like OMG what's wrong with me? Why is this happening? The thing is we have an illness there's no cure for it but there is help avaliable. Please seek help. You don't want to hurt yourself. I know how you feel waking up everyday feeling hopeless and worthless and unloved by anyone. I'm still struggling with my depression some days are better than others. You just have to keep trying because it does get better. As for your friend don't listen to her/him they don't understand that our illness is in our head and we can't think about something else or snap out of it. There's help out there please seek it!!!!

  • Angie

    wow i never knew their was so many depressed people in this world! i also suffer from depression basically my whole life has been a total nightmare and i also have tried many medications that mever work does any-1 know of something that actually works? write back let me know thanks

  • Joe

    Yesterday was my worst day of my life for several day I had thought about taking my live but I never got so close to it until yesterday am a us soldier that don’t really have purpose in life anymore I don’t have a reason to keep going . My family is gone wife and my two lil girlsi did this to my self and maybe yeah am crazy am maybe yeah, I have PTSD and maybe Hell yeah I have a stress disorder all I know is that I can’t sleep at night all I do is just drink and smoke yesterday my brother-in-law call and he star telling me how bad he was doing and for some reason he asked me if I was ok I couldn’t hold it and I start crying just like a lil 2 year old I told him to take care of my family and that everything I did it was for a reason, I love my family yeah maybe am not the best person here in the word and yeah maybe I have problems just like anyone out there, but I love my family and if I don’t have them I don’t want to be here.

  • Brad

    My life seems to be coming to an end, I live in so much pain that it has become unbearable. My wife left 10 years ago, I Love her still till today, I have tryed everything to get her back, but she refuse's to reoncile. We are still married 27 years, she refuse's to understand depression, tells me just to get on with my life,end of story! I have two children,my son 25 who is married with a son, he is young and also doe's not understand about depression, he just listen's to mom, and his life is out of control, anger problems. I have the greatest 11 yr old, carley, she is a angel, the perfect little girl. I have pretty much just living for her, she is my whole world,I breath just for her. And then there is my mom, another angel, her prayer's and friendship have got me this far, The pysical pain that I endure each day is beyond what I can handle anymore! My dad also doe's not understand my depression, he is consumed by all his cars and himself, tells me just go to work,put money in your pocket and everything will be ok, I really just want to cry. which I am doing most of the time anyway. I feel so empty, all I think about is making this pain STOP!!!! I tryied to take my life 2001 ney years day,took 10,000 mil norco,drank a bottle of teqilla, then hung myself, my son found me,woke up 1 month later after being in a coma, stunned the doctors that I survived. I have tried all medications, went through hospital programs a couple of time's, had a great counsler, but nothing help's, All the joy is gone, there is nothing left but this broken 47 yr old man,If someone could understand that I'm being ripped in half,Iam trying to stay for my daughter,yet I have to die to make the pain STOP! I have been told by everyone I know I am the nicest guy, alway's helping other's, love life,but cannot help myself! I am so tired!!!!!!!! I pretty much know this is the end,I feel 100 times worse than I did in 2001,I have lost all, my will is done!I have no more fight left! I don't know if anyone will even read this,or if I will even be here to get a reply, I don't look as god let me down, for I have let the Lord down, may the Lord forgive me, and other's like me. Peace out!

  • brad

    just trying to reach out for the last time,depression hurt's so bad I don't think it can be measured, how doe's one keep going!

  • Chelsea

    I feel depressed and lonely most of the time. I'm very anxious and paranoid too. I tried talking to my Mother about this but she just dismissed it as 'teenage moodiness' because i'm only 15. What she doesn't know is that I cry most days and I self harm frequently. Also (I don't know if this is relivant), I am very obsessive about neatness and when I'm very depressed I have been known to spend hours redoing simple things until they are completely perfect. For example, yesterday in French, I spelled one word wrong in my book and completely lost it. I re-wrote my entire book and then tore up the old book into what must have been over a thousand pieces so that no one would know that I had made a mistake.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Dear Chelsea,

    Your mother does not understand the very serious nature of what you are telling her. So, what I suggest you do is to start with your school guidance counselor to whom you must tell everything, including the depression, self harm and, i bet, suicidal thoughts. Tell the counselor that you want and need help. The counselor should take it from there and do what is necessary to get you some real help.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-31

    Stay strong Brad. Just keep thinking about your daughter and how much you care for her. I too have been struggling with my depression for most of my life. What has held me back from committing suicide is how badly I know it would hurt others. I am sure your daughter would be extremely sad and scarred for life if you were to leave her like that. Try getting healthy again and find a caring therapist. I am also finding out how difficult it is to talk to peers about my depression, since they do not understand what all of us are going through. There are online chat rooms, and groups that talk about their depression and support one another. It is a lot easier talking to someone who knows what you are going through. Find group support.

  • Chelsea

    Thankyou for the advice, I'm actually touched that someone would even bother to reply to me.

  • Tina

    I think I need help and I am not sure whether I am depressed or not. I'm 19 years old and I have done very well at school and I am at uni now, but I have always struggled with having relationships with people. I was educated in a private school and never felt like I belonged. When I went to uni I became very close with this girl and we practically used to do things together. After about 4 months I felt like I put so much effort in the friendship as I was always ringing her, texting her and going to see her. I expressed how unhappy I was with things and she apologised and said sorry for taking you for granted. That's not how I felt, I just wanted to mould the friendship. I've tried talking to her and we spent 3 hours talking but she said things would never be the same. We don't even talk now and I just feel very unhappy and I just find myself crying half the tym for no reason. I can't concentrate and it is almost 3 months since it happened. She was one person that I was actually very close to at any point in my life. I can't concentrate and I feel unloved and lonely. I feel like no one understands me. People always say you are a lovely person, cheerful smile and a blessing but i dont feel the same inside. Am I depressed?

  • Mary Ann

    I know how badly you feel because I am there as well. I couldn't get out of bed this morning, but finally did, and am trying to find a way to help myself. I am going to start taking vitamins because I'm not eating right. Vitamin D seems to be a good one to take. I live alone, have a 25 year old son as well, and have been divorced for 22 years. At times I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up, but that is not what my fate is today. If you haven't seen a professional, make that your first priority. If you have and are not making any progress, consider changing to someone else. You will make it through this!!!! We all will. We can't give up.

  • Erika k

    My boyfriend has been dieanosed with depression but i think it is biopolor myself he has been on depression meds for a 3 weeks and they dont seem to be working. and i think he needs to be redianoesed. thanks for the comments made

  • Pedad's Girl

    Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I also am bipolar manic depressive. It is a hard long road but if you take the time to help yourself and find a good counselor and doctor that won't just drug you into a coma you can survive this disease. Just always remember that there is always someone out there somewhere that thinks of you every day whether you know it or not. My brother and I weren't close and he commited suicide four years ago. I was devastated. I am the suicidal one in the family and they are what keep me here. I also have a daughter that I refuse to leave alone in this crazy world that we live in. Never give up faith and always remember that you are loved and would cause so much pain to friends and family if you were to leave us. I may not know you but I do care and the things that I read in this forum sadden me greatly and I pray for all to be strong and safe and to survive this illness that plagues us all. To all I send out a prayer and god bless all.

  • Brad

    Today is another day, just like all others, wake up, throw up, my physical pains are so bad that I believe that the doctors have missed something huge and I am being consumed by pain, has anyone ever delt with this much pain from depression!!!! I try to have a positive attitude, but it is always the same outcome. I am taking 8 pain killers a day that just takes the edge of the pain away, but everyday more problems are attacking me, I keep going to the doctor and they tell me there is nothing more they can do for me, that really sucks, where do I go now? I totally believe in Jesus Christ, and do have a personal relationship with him, pray every hour or minute, but everything keeps getting worse, I am fighting for my life, but I am losing the battle, I have been going through this for a long time, I am a very strong person but I am at a point that all hope is lost, this merry go round ride has got to stop, I am so very tired of the same ride. does anyone have any insight about all this pain, Thank you to Maryanne, and anyone eles who has sent comments.

  • Chen dadajiji

    I am the same as all of you guys. I have done 2 suicides already, first 1 was 7 years old and the next when i was 13. Now I am 34 and still the thought comes everyday.

    Until now, i am still the same. Nobody can notice it in me. You know why because i have found a cure how to live like normal people. Everyday i have a poison secretly on my side, nobody knows, and on the regular places i go, i have some poison also hidden there.

    It ease me, to think that everytime i need it, i have it. Everybody sees me as a good person, nobody knows what is really inside of me. I just made sure that anytime it would be my last day and i want to be remmebered as a good man, thats why i am hardworking and living a prayerful life.

    I prayed so much that if i will have to commit 1 sin, it would be suicide.

    I dont know if this helps you. But on me, it works. Anytime and anyplace somebody needs my help even if it cost my life, (like rescue somebody inside a burning building where nobody can enter) i am just here available. Now im functioning better, i made this positive even though i am negative. Nobody knows except me and God.

  • Brad G.

    This is my first comment. I too know the pain of clinical depression. I have been diagnosed with unipolar. The emotional pain can be unbearable. Almost worse than physical. I lost a sibling 29 years ago in a car wreck. He was 18 and I was 14. That event has caused me tremendous emotional harm. I am so scared that I have serious emotional issues that I will never resolve. I am currently on Prozac and waiting for relief. My thoughts are with all of the others who are hurting. We deserved better than this

  • Anonymous-32

    My concern here is you all need some answers and guidance in your life, and there is no body answering your calls for help here.Is there not a moderator or some kind of theripest to help here. I would tell you about myself but I see it is all ready posted all over this form. Been suffering over 40 years now and drugs yeas work for awhile then stop. If we could just talk I would send you my email adress.

  • AquaRoach

    I've been lonely for countless years. It's not an exaggeration, I litterly talk to zero, ZERO people. I've been down for months, and no one understands me or even know that I'm alive.

    I had a girlfriend, well at least I think, and she left for a couple of months. I went though so much shit, she did too. But she changed. I loved her, and I still do, but she says she doesn't love me anymore. My whole life revolved around her, and now shes gone. All I think of is suicide, the one person who saved me, my angel, is gone now.

    I've talked to shrinks and priests, called hot lines and emailed the samaritans but no one can help me. I'm so stuck and I don't see any solution. I've prayed so much, I'd give it all away for her to just say she loves me again. She understood me, the only person ever.

  • Anonymous-33

    All I wana do is fall to sleep and dream for the rest of my life but i can't so I want to kill my self. I'm so fed up with this world. they fighting voilence racist critisims. Every thing i every liked is fading away I'v grone to live only to go to heaven I have no care what hapens to me now. or if people care if I do i just Don't care eney more i'v tried killing my self but i can't And the people who push me off the edges i just wana get a knife kill them and others then my self. life is to boring and frustraited I pray to god every night let me die. But nuthing good ever hapins I'm so sick of it. i dreamd of dieng every night difrent ways difrent endings over and over till i wake up some times. wat depresiion am I in and how do i get out.

  • Anonymous-34

    I came across this site to print out some information for my husband to get the help he needs. I can't do it for him any longer because I am leaving him. 20 years of marriage and if I have to live through another episode I may not make it myself. Every trip ruined, we can't make any plans to do anything because I never know which person is going to be around.

    I don't get it. I am sorry for those of you who experience physical symptoms but most of you sound obsessed with yourselves. Ever tried any selfless behavior? Ever tried to help a sranger just because, without any benefit to yourself? It actually fuels you and makes you feel good. Exercise, volunteer, do something meaningful and for God's sake give your loved ones a break from your self indulgence. We are tired of convincing you that we love you and your life is beautiful -exactly the way that it is. You all chose to be here, the unpredictability of life was part of the package that you chose. Why did you choose life in the first place? There had to have been a reason.

  • Karen

    This is for "I don't get it"- I see where your coming from, being in a marriage that long with someone who has sucked the life out of you, I've been there and believe me, you have probably made the right decision in leaving-it's not your job to fix someone else, you have your own life. And you are right, you don't get it. If you have never suffered from depression, you never will. It is an illness that is caused by a deeply scarring event, or a chemical imbalance in your brain-people can't help that and believe me, no one chooses to be depressed! some of you do sound a little "woe is me, life's soooooo mean" however. I really do understand how you feel-i too suffered from quite severe depression for nearly fourteen years and tried to kill myself twice as it was awful. You will get through it though, i found studying psychology as a hobby helped me to learn more about it and understand what I can do to help myself. Don't be self indulgent, exercise, go out on dates, do stuff you love, be around your family and friends, treat yourself, go on a trip or a holiday, never be alone. And most importantly, go to your doctor and get the proper medication to help you, see a counsellor, or confide in a friend. Talking helps and so do a crap load of prozac!good luck

  • chris

    hi, reading through the comments on here has brought me to tears. so basically there is no help and we are all just left to rot. it makes my blood boil. any other disorder and help is at hand. if there is one thing that will get me out of this slump it will be to get out there and kick some arse so we the depressed can have some kind of hope. maybe it's the apathy we have is the reason as we are the only group that will not have the will to help ourselves. it's a shit situation,i would lterally give up my right arm to be rid of these demons.

  • MJ

    I had written a comment on this site a couple of months ago when I had fallen into a deep depressed state. I am getting better now and have discovered some ways to manipulate my moods. It can be hard to change the way I think sometimes because I think pessimistically most of the time. The thing is to try to be more optimistic thinking. I tend see the flaws rather than the good side of things. I now realize that just seeing the flaws is not helping me or anyone else in my life. I decided I needed to try to be more sincere and instead of wanting to change, I am just getting off my butt and doing it. Another thing is do not isolate yourself. It really does just make things much worse. It’s like leaving yourself in the depths of your own dark prison cell. It is important to speak how feel and not just keep it locked up inside. Talk to your friends, spouses, or family members. If you feel like they will not want to hear from you then talk to someone in a chat room or some other website like myspace or facebook. Try to get yourself up to go out and do something. Go see a comedy movie or something that will make you laugh. The phrase “laughter is the best medicine” is actually true because laughter releases feel good chemicals into the body and it does lighten up the mood. Don’t give up on life just yet. There really is much more to learn about out there. Life has its woes but it also has its good times too.

  • Linda

    I have a major reocurring major depression diagnosis along with PTSD and dissociative disorder all stemming directly from the 18 years of severe abuse I suffered as a child. I would like to invite anyone interested to visit my blog, Stop the Storm, at because it would make me happiest to know that something I might be able to say might help someone else heal even a little bit more from whatever it is that might ail them.

  • Rachel

    hello my name is rachel and me and my husband jay used to have lots of fun together but then something bad happened our daughter died of sids and we sepperated because of it but about 2 months later got back together and everything was fine until i got pregnant again only 4 months after her death i was scared and still am but i put her in her place so i would be able to raise another child but jay has become a monster he was fine for the first 6 months but turned he would yell at my and say that he wanted to get a devorice and that our baby wasnt his and he wanted nothing to do with her for 2 weeks i put up with it non stop and went into premature labor he then told me that i should give her up while she is in a hospital fighting for her life i refused to give up my new daughter and went to be with her 2 hrs away from home while he stayed at home and did nothing he doesnt work he sleeps all day and he wont talk to anyone in his family but his mother and they are a very close family he ssaid that he want a dna test i said fine and asked what he was going to do when the test said that she is yours and he told me that he was going to kill himself and told me 3 different ways he would do it i dont want him to die i just want him to be the dad he used to be and be there for his daughter so please if you have any advice i would be very greatful to hear it.

  • mary jane

    Depression is back in control of my life. It was influenced by others treating me badly though. It really is saddening because I had recently just started to feel a little happier and optimistic and then some does something messed up to me and now I have hit rock bottom. I woke up today wishing I was dead, and I really do not feel like moving on with my life. I try to be a good person and it just always back fires on me. Why do I feel like I will never be loved and treated right by anyone? I keep on getting treated poorly and this time it really messed me up. I can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel. Everything now seems hopeless, and I have no one to turn to. I just do not care about this living process anymore. It is just endless punishment. I want to find peace, happiness, excitement, and gratitude again. Last time I was in a deep depression I was able to find a way out but this time feels much different and heavier than the last time. It is much more painful to point that I would rather have to deal with physical pain, at least I will know that I will heal from that, but this I do not see myself recovering from. I just do not know what to do with myself at this point.

  • Shaun

    I do agree that some people come on here to cry. And believe me, I do feel your pain. I am on the verge of going into a doctor and get on meds and become a zombie. Least the mood swings from bi-polar would be less dramatic. I have lost lots of friends becuz of the bipolar. For those that don't have it, you really can't understand. People with bipolar seem to be mad at the world and mad at their loved ones, when really they are mad at themselves for knowing they arent "right" and they cant fully provide for their loved ones.

    But I have to be honest. I have been struggling with this for my whole life,(and im 30) and it only recently occurred to me that faith is what everybody is crying for. Not to sound preachy or anything, but asking for forgiveness and living the right life does help a lot. The pain is real, and sometimes while praying for others and myself i will wake from prayer in shutter desperation, the hopeless feeling of...been here before and the pain still exists.

    Talking is the best medicine, but talking to the right people is the key. I have talked my friends out of a friendship becuz of this. People that don't understand just dont understand, and therefore can't help. They hold on as much as they can and than they just give up.. It is self indulgant, but it is a mindset that can not be shaken... But there is hope for all out there who are struggling with this. Just keep the faith and never give up on yourself. Do what you have to do, but dont ever give up!!!!!!!!

  • Chen dadajiji

    Eventually, i know someday i will commit suicide again. I am expecting it maximum 3 years from now. Since i am a father of 2 wonderful sons, i made sure i have saved and prepared the future of my two boys. I started a small business and now is expanding for another 1. I dont want to become a burden, i know one day they will notice how different i am, and it will affect my family life.

    I know nobody will understand me, except you. We are all having this pain. God knows how much i love Him and my family, but this is a curse to me.

    I dont know how i got it, why i have it, and how to end it. At the right time, when all i planned is prepared, i will have to rest. I dont want to become old with this illness.

  • elisha

    I do hope that you get this message. First of all I found your comments to be very hurtful. I realize that perhaps your husband had depression and perhaps refused to seek treatment I do not know the whole situation so I will no longer comment on that. What I do know is that I am a very selfless person and I would do anything that I could to help someone so for you to say that we are selfish is not an accurate comment. Do you think that we are trying to torture our spouses or do you think that maybe we are just that insecure that it consumes our lives such as it does mine. As for your last group of comments I am not quite sure what type of message you are trying to get across so if you do happen to come on this site again you could be so kind as to explain that to me. Thank you.

  • Elisha

    I think that you are a very strong person. To go through depression without a single person that you can talk to must be very difficult. I was very lucky to find a therapist who seems to understand and is very supportive I would hope that you could to before your depression takes you too much deeper. Best of luck to you.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    In reading the last several messages posted here I became aware that there are some basic misunderstandings about the various depressions and the help that is available.

    Today, more than ever before, there is real help available even for the most difficult of depressions. Treatment varies from various medications, such as anti depressants to mood stabilizers, cognitive behavioral therapies, and, in the very most severe and stubborn cases, a brain implant that stimulates the part of the brain where the center of the symptoms lies. This last is still experimental for depression.

    In no way do the medications cause people to become "zombies" as Shaun seems to fear, nor is there any reason to resort to suicide. Not today, not when modern treatments give people their lives back and when there are new and exciting developments in the field.

    Seek help for your depression, regardless what type it is.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Nicole

    I have been up and down since i was young. My stomach would hurt every night knowing i had to go to school in the morning. At 21 it has become worse, I just want to be alone all the time, i have cut off all my friends, i have severe mood swings causing me to become angry and i never really know why. I either eat too much or nothing at all. I have paranoia and believe everyone has alterior motives for being around me. Also, I feel like i am constantly ill and fear that i have diseases and serious health problems. My moods are either really low or neutral at best. When I drink, it becomes excessive then i stop for months (binge drinking basically). i just feel like crying...

  • DR.T

    Hi Nicole,

    From what you wrote, you seem to be experiencing some sort of depression or at least you're showing signs of depression. You must seek help for your symptoms. You can always contact your primary care physician (PCP) or seek a psychotherapist to speak with. You can find one at, scroll down the page and there you'll see "find a therapist" link.

    The upset stomach sounds like anxiety. Believe it or not, but I too use to have the same symptoms every morning waking to go to class. It would happen at the sound of my alarm clock! I was "conditioned" to feel the anxiety associated with getting through my day each time the alarm would sound. But I found ways to reverse that "conditioned" response. Perhaps you can too!

    One good way is to use a form of meditation. You do not have to know how to do this right. There is no right or wrong way. All you have to do, maybe before bed or after waking, is sit quietly with your eyes closed, taking deep breaths. You can say quietly to yourself "today is going to be okay, I will get through it just fine." Or use any type of encouragement for yourself: The Lords Prayer, an inspirational message or song, purchase a meditation DVD or CD, or think on something good through imagery like a sunset or an ocean.

    Try yoga daily. Stretching is a great release for stress (maybe after waking or before bed). The more you do it, the better you'll feel. Drink warm milk, have a banana or turkey wrap, and/or take a warm shower or bath before bed. Eating something small and healthy before bed, can give you a good night sleep and perhaps a good waking experience. Treat yourself is what I'm saying. This should reduce anxiety.

    Additionally, did you know that drinking can only further your negative feelings? It may make you feel okay initially, because the depressed effects it has on the central nervous sytem causes you to feel "out of touch" with your surroundings, but it later can make you feel very bad. It only produces more feelings of negativity. Drinking is not the answer for anyone! I would encourage you to avoid alcohol when you're feeling depressed.

    Have you ever thought of seeking spiritual guidance from a local pastor, theologian, or inspirational leader? Many can offer you great support, especially emotional support. Psychotherapy with someone who believes in incorporating a spiritual component may be helpful to you. You may be interested in a set of CD's titled: Creating calm in your life: a guided meditation and stress reduction CD by Rivka Simmons. This may also give you some encouragement:{98EC1DEF-CCED-4D35-A494-2578A1C090DE}¬oc=1


    There are times in life when we indeed just feel like crying. It doesn't make you any less of a person. It just makes you HUMAN and a HUMAN BEING who FEELS. If these feelings are interfering with your everyday life and your ability to function as you should, however, you should definitely seek treatment.

    I wish you well

  • Lee Ferrell

    I worked with supposedly "depressed" young people for 23 years, and had huge success in using poetry to reveal stresses children have had to accept quietly to do what parental domination requires. Such suppression of feelings can create an imbalance in essential neurotransmitters, and lead to behaviors which create more repression from authority figures.

    All kids I worked with improved dramatically not only with behaviors/feelings but also with academic work. It was all based on trust, gentleness, tenderness, and nurture and sometimes certain specific medications were used to help along the process. Caring nurture is essential to the development of a "healthy personality." It is _never_ too late to offer this to a growing child. I witnessed this approach creating what most called "miracles."

    Please do not give up. It is possible. One offering of gentle nurturance can change everything. John Bradshaw, well known psychologist in the 80's made this approach known to thousands/millions.... Corporations began to exert more influence on PBS programming at that time and his offerings no longer appeared.

    Peace and happiness!


  • david mccoy sr

    yea i think that i have depression cause i have the same smytoms and its ruin everything i lost my wife and i dont want to lose my kids. i want help but i am afrid that if i get help i will not be able to be a dad and i want to see my kids do everything. that why havent admit my self. any advice

  • Anonymous-35

    Depression definitly affects everyone in the family. I am taking care of my father and his girlfriend stay with me also. It is so hard i cant deal with it anymore. I have to get her some help or give her a five day notice. I am trying to raise my family and the things she does and say are interfering with there upbringing. Her family does not want to have anything to do with her. She is also an alcoholic therefore its a double wammy.

  • lee du ploy

    Depression is one of the most debilitating problem,its seems to creep slowly up on you and forces you to confront it somehow I am told it more often that not ,it wins.

    I have worked in Africa,Europe and now China the common denominator with deoression seems to be willing to confront the beast.There seem innitially some difficulty in accepting that it exists untill its often too late.

    Treating it consquintly proves are a few possible steps which I have foundto help in some people.

    First is to eliminate the obvious negative influencesTV, the Radio and the media, all of whom conspire with their onslaught of laying on the negative news.In my opinion depressed people seem to react more dramatically to "day to day" events like bad news.

    No one is saying this is easy but I have found if I can encourage them not to listen to the news and eliminate as much as possible negative input,this seems to help.

    In addition Art as therapy, speaking without words have a dramatic impact.

    Thus covering two bases.

    Keep away as much as possible from negative input.

    And do something, like painting, this in my opinion however simple seem to help.

    I wish you all well, and can only say that "by the grace of of God"

  • Beesy

    My husband, 68yrs old, and I have been married for 42 yrs and we decided to finally separate. When that happened & the economy get so bad (he was in real estate) he gradually went into a state of deep depression & is home with me. Now 2yrs later, 3 hospitalizations, 5 Pyschiatrists, Electric shock treatments, all different meds, he is negative about everything, never happy, severe hypochondriac, physically a shell of the active person he was. I have him going to a senior care center & therapist & pychiatist and also a at home nurse. I now see a therapist to get through me days. There seems to be no professional that has been able to help. What more can I do????

  • Ko

    its so nice to know im not the only one...........these days i try to separate thoughts from awareness, apparently thats what a spiritual experience is..............awareness WITHOUT thought.

  • Anonymous-36

    ^&*k this disease. I'm gonna beat it. The only things that help me is: exercise, meds and being cognitive about the dreaded D. I realize that the horrendous thoughts in my head are all lies. All that negative shit that spews out at us are LIES. Does this make the depression go away: no, but at least it slows me down and makes me realize that my thinking is not real. I have been depressed for all of my 40 years. I was an uber sensitive child, If anything bad happened to me I wouldn't know how to handle it. Example: If i saw a stray dog on the street I would sob and cry until i made myself sick. My mom was abusive she was not having that p*&&y shit. So by the time I was a teenager I was pretty numb but sad. I finally realized at the age of 36 that something was dreadfully wrong. People lie when they tell you it gets better. When you are young you believe it. Well at 36 I discovered that, that was BS. You wouldn't BELIEVE what they make you do when you are chronically depressed--- I didn't have insurance so i had to pay out of pocket. One therapist told me that it would be 160.00 an hour to see him. I told him I'd rather be crazy and i heard him chuckle on the phone. Folks we are pretty much on our own. 3 years later I found a good therapist I have been on Effoxor for about 2 years it took a long time to get the dosage right. But of course, Life gets in the way-- It doesn't care if you are depressed or not. My mother passed away 6 weeks ago. Even though she was abusive to me and my brothers in the past, we began to heal our relationship as best as we could. Her death ignited a black, pithy hole that i felt would swallow me whole. If that wasn't enough my own son cursed me out and my aunt is trying to take all of my moms inheritence. But what iam mad at the most is this F*&king disease. I did all the things us depressive souls do-- stayed in bed allll day, barely ate, cried and looked on the net to figure out what would be the easiest most painless way to end it all. I becaome numb and didn't even bath (lord have mercy)

    Dont ask me how I know this but IF YOU COMMIT SUICIDE YOU BETTER BE READY TO WATCH WHAT IT DOES TO THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT. Because on "the other side" you will see the aftermath of what you did. Don't think I don't know the pain this ghastly disease causes. It is pure agony. But life is about learning and if you don't get through this you will have to learn it some other way and it may make depression look like a walk in the park. I JUST KNOW THIS. You have to try EVERYTHING- meds, exercise (which helps ALOT-- this from girl who can sit her ass on the couch ALL DAY. I have to have my exercise fix at least everyother day) god, ALAH who every even shock treatment (joke) before you give up. You have to try EVERYTHING.

    Seriously, I wish all of you who are suffering some relief. Get mad at the bitch! don't let it ruin your life's lesson-- get even! try, and try and keep tryin'

  • Kayla

    I keep wanting to believe that there is nothing wrong with me but the more I think about it I know there is. It's not like I don't want to be happy cause I really do want to be happy I just can't be. Even on the days i feel really good something will happen (whether something goes wrong or I "think" something is wrong) and BAM I'm wanting to crawl in a hole and die somewhere. I have given up hope. I've always felt like like I do now...just here lately it's been really bad and i don't know why. I have given up on friends, i quit my job, i mistreat my family, and I moved out of my apartment with my boyfriend. I want to be alone all the time and I will cause arguments and fights till i make everyone mad around me. I know that is not normal and because of my actions I am alone. MY LIFE SUCKS!!!!! I have given up. I think the only reason I'm still here(with my major depression) because I DO believe in God and if I end my pain i will burn in hell forever and ever. Sometimes though I think it wouldn't be so bad since i am already living there.

    Conclusion: Since i know myself.. i know i will never harm myself to the point of death and i will in fact live with what ever it is i am suffering from and try to live a half way normal life. Although i push everyone one in my life away i still have some people in my life that wont allow me to do so. I love them for that!!! Good luck to everyone else that feels like i do and don't give up.

  • Anonymous-37

    I could write a synopsis of my experience to "qualify" me, but what good does that do and to whom?

    And in the end, who f*cking cares? In the end, we all just do the best we can with what we're given. We do our best to overcome the thousand faces of pain we walk through.

    Here's my best to you my beloved - those of you who know my pain - here are my solutions:

    Spirituality: "F*ck it" God is bigger - She can handle it. She will respect you for telling the truth.

    Physical: "F*ck it" Teach yourself how to ride a motorcycle. Go skydiving. Scuba diving. You know what you want to do with your body - F*CKING DO IT.

    Mental: "F*ck it" Dance at 3am with the music so loud you could feel the rhythm if you were deaf. EVERYONE is mentally ill. It's just society's current accepted description that you judge your so-called reality by. And that's a bunch of crap - test: who will give a f*ck in 10,000 years from now?

    Family: "F*ck it" Guilt is useless.

    Financial: "F*ck it" All you need is the motorcycle and the stereo system.

    Volitional: "Fuck it" And then f*ck it again because the very idea of will is ludicrious.

    Emotional: "Fuck this one most of all." When you have a feeling - and you become conscious of having that feeling - and that feeling sucks - F*CK IT - let it the f*ck go. Don't eat it or think about it or feed it - go for a ride and dance and do whatever you love and EAT WHAT YOU LOVE - TURN YOUR BACK ON THE OTHER SHIT.

    You have this one life my friends. Don't waste it on trying to change your mental condition, taking meds, exercise, eating health food, psychiatrists and counselors and medical doctors and eastern medicine and western medicine and all the mountains of phenomenal bullshit.

    Just LIVE. And if you decide you don't want to - then kill yourself with a single bullet in the brain and do it way the f*ck out in the country where EMT can't get to you - because failing suicide is just insult on injury.

    SUMMARY: Enjoy the piss out of your life or stop living it - unless you are some kind of guru and you're living with the intent of helping others such that you enjoy your self-righteousness subconsciously - if you're that f*cked up - you enjoy the piss out of that.

  • alana

    Ha ha - actually 90% you say is right on - true...only problem is when you don't care if you croak off...I don't care if I die, for example, but greatly fear to live I just can't eat a bullet..I have been over and under medicated, can't get any help-ran out of effexor when I switched provinces and just had to do the straight withdrawal (embrace the tingle-twitchy thing).Doc here says I'm I'm just a high functioning nut..funny how I'm babysitting everyone's kids , but I'm a gentle soul I only self-injure , as I have a horror of hurting children after my own childhood of being beaten, locked in car trunks, closets etc. I think children instinctively seek me out - as I understand how nice it is to just be loved and have a meal and be told to wear your mittens when it's cold. If only the parents knew what an effort it takes for me every day, they would be concerned, I certainly wouldn't let my kids hang out with anyone else as troubled as me! But apparently if you know you're nuts, then you are ok-right?... also, the kids are starting to tease me about my pacing patterns, muttering spirit buddies,not keeping up my appearance and staying up all night....all in all we're good, but couldn't things be a bit better than this? I mean I make cookies and play dough and do art and crafts and the house doesn't reek, but...Just sayin' ..where does one go to get help before they are ready for the padded cell?

  • Lo8282

    I understand the point of the last user about what difference does it make to write it but I think it does make a difference. We are all in the same boat and things like this can't be discussed with just anyone. I think it helps to open up with one another.

    I have battled undiagnosed depression for almost ten years now. In my family you don't go to the doctor and you don't talk about it and in my profession this is a black mark. Plus, when I'm not depressed I don't think I need help and when I am depressed they're doesn't seem to be any help available. I called a hotline one time when it was really bad and they took a message and never got back to me. So much for medical help, lmao.

    I spent most of my college years in a major depression. I had a great group of friends but I pushed everyone away, never slept, never left my dormroom, gained fifty pounds.

    I was doing really well in managing for the last five years up until about two months ago when slam, I was hit again with a major episode. I tried to tell people about it and they were over-the-top, they threatened me with commitment rather than listening. My mom says, "suck it up, your life is better than a lot of people". And I know thats true so couple guilt with depression, its a winning combo.

    I have written two suicide letters in my life. I drive over a bridge everyday and I don't think there is one day when I haven't thought about it. Theres a part of me that is certain I will never do it but another part thats not so sure. I really don't worry about that though, if I do it, I won't really care in the end.

    So, here I am again, pushing everyone away, spending hours locked away in my house and head. I have no interest in doing anything or seeing anyone. I know the ways out of the depression but aah who feels like bothering with it. The funny part is from the outside, no one knows it. I wear my mask very well and I am thankful that I can force myself to go to work everyday I know some people aren't that lucky.

    Anyway, I know no one wants to hear it and it sounds like a "woe is me" attitude. It was just nice to write it and get it out. Good luck to everyone.

  • ljl

    it was my birthday friday ,but im suffering anxiety and depression but made the mistake of going out for a social drink ,i was ok untill we went in a pub and my partner bought vodka because he didnt like the lager they sold, something happened and my mood changed from being happy to depressed and we came home in a taxi i was crying and drunk my boyfriend hid in his van from me and i flew into a raging panic attack , the neighbours rang the police and i cant remember much only that it was very late and they were saying i was a nightmare ,i feel so ashamed of myself and sorry ,the policeman was very nice and did a good job to calm me down .i apologised to the neighbours for the disruption caused ,but im scared il lose my house as its happened normally happy go lucky apart from bouts of very bad anxiety and depression which i am going thru now .i need to turn my life around but feel im banging my head in a brick wall. my brother died when i was 16 ,he was schizophrenic but wasnt violent and i saw things no 16 year old should see and i think i also suffer post traumatic stress syndrome too .my partner is very possessive and i dont go anywhere without him for 10 years .i wish i couls rewind to friday night to put it all right

  • sandra

    I have tried to commit suicide a couple of time since i was 16 years old so that should tell you how long i have been batteling depression. I was diagn. serervly depressed a couple of years a go. I have had treatment or couceling and medication when i can afford it . My family does not know intern that makes me feel alone. My boy freind does not understand and thinks it up to me to bring myself out of it. The sympyoms i have rea about MDD and Unipolar Depression sounds like me. I don't have

    insurance and i don't know what to do. Is there Help ?

  • sandra

    I have been in some what the same situation. i have been told that i jumped out of moving car more than once. that i have said some really nasty things that i dont remembeer saying. i have layed on the ground balled up in a fetal position crying for hours and not understanding what was the matter with me. i still cry all the time, i feel anxiety on a regular, im so ashamed of the way that i feel that i keep it bottled up inside and when it comes out its not pretty. I have decided not to social drink. I usually stay at home. i can't keep living like this i have called different places for help thay say we will call you back in 2 or 3 days and know one what will it take for me to get some help ................

  • jo

    i am going through one of the toughest times of my life the mixed feelings and emotions r undescribable. after readin all the stories i know i can conquer the way i have been left due to every kind of abuse i encountered. thankyou to you all. All the best joanne xxxx

  • Jack

    My names Jack, I'm 17 almost 18. I was diagnosed with depression after I was forced to rob three houses and got all the charges put on me. Though 7th to 11th grade I was homeschooled. I got bullied a lot in elementery and 6th grade. I figured out though therapy that I have created a whole crowd of people around me so I don't feel so alone But, now I know their not I feel really alone all the time. I have cronic constaption so I smelled all the time until around my ninth year of schooling then I got control of that. I was proscibed welbutron*(spelled wrong try and sound it out)* and that didn't work I can never sleep until my body phyicly can't move It's 6:05 a.m. I've been up now for three days and can't figure out what to do I feel like no one cares. I just got convicted for a class C felony and have to pay 18,000 dollors to the state for something I was forced to do.... It's just not right..but that's the way it goes I guess I'll just never make it in life...

  • Brenda

    I have a 17 year old daughter that I fear is deeply depressed. But she refuses to see a doctor and I fear for her. I know she's doing drugs and she doesn't come home home for days at a time. Please, if anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it.

  • lee du ploy

    All of us suffer from some form of depression at one time or another in our lives,learning to be realistic and objective is one of the major ways in which to overcome this.

    Lets for a moment considder that you have to face the terrible dillema of saving something from your burning house, you have only a few minutes to save what you considder the most valuable.How you calculate its value is based on a number of factors,but, I daresay you don't spend time thinking objectively about your options, you immediatly make up your mind to save what you think of as the most valuable.

    My grandfathers theory was that if we were born at a hunderd and worked our way backwards,people would have less time to dwell on the unceratinty of life but deal with the reality that you only have those many years to live and therfore deal with it.

    In this day and age we are given to bellive that we are entittled to more and consequintly expect everything to run according to what we are told by the media( I sometime have to remind people that TV is not real)

    So lets sonsidder for a second that you are given a choice to loose one of you senses,sight hearing etc., and lets assume you have no choice over it.Do you think you could be objective about which one to choose, I suspect not because they are all intergral end certainly essential to life as we see it.Yet many people live a comfortable life without heairng or seeing.

    My point is that we should learn to be objective about depression and be realistic about our expectations.

    Learn to accept that life is just once,to live it to the best we need to expect the bestnot from it but from our selves.

    Find time to substitute your "morose" time for objective time,do anything but sit and think about your problemin my opinion helping others will help you see how trivial one's own problems are.

    lee du ploy

  • Anonymous-38

    I am almost 50 years old. I have made some poor decisions during my life so far. I am married and have 4 kids. I was layed off of my job in January of 2008 found another in May of 08. Then in December of 08 I was lated off again. I have been looking ever since and have had one interview in 10 months. I am able to make my payments and keep my house for now but am very concerned that I will be losing my house. I am afraid. The first job that I was layed off of people that sat around and played video games were kept while others that worked were gotten rid of. It makes no sense but that is the way it was done. My job was my life. I like to work. There appears to be no hope.

  • Anonymous-39

    I am stunned that the end part of this reader comment was allowed on screen. How thoroughly reprehensible!

    Anyone who knows anything about depression - I myself have been diagnosed with a severe major depression - will know that depression is not something that you can just pull yourself out of with a click of the fingers. It is a long, slow process that is far from easy for any of us. For a web page written on the basis of understanding depression to allow the comment (paraphrased) 'Enjoy your life or stop living it' is the height of irresponsibility.

    People with depression are too often considering ending their lives, or not doing anything to stop it ending too early. The remark published actively encourages suicidal thoughts and acts in people who may not have the emotional control necessary to read around it to the probably well-meant 'snap out of it' that I assume was the intent.

    I am disgusted and outraged that this has been allowed on this site with apparently no consideration of how it may affect individuals in dire need of support.

    To them, I say the same thing I tell myself every day. Though I cannot yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, it does not mean that it is not there.

  • dalekent


  • katsell

    I'm finding that a proper diet, indeed a raw food diet is helping me beyond compare to sleep better. Raw food recipes abound on the interent, and the food is fantastic. I'm having a great time with meal preparation.

  • aunt dina

    to Dalekent:

    Don't lose hope. There are retraining programs. Don't know what state you live in but there are programs that your workers comp carrier might be able to hook you up with. Keep going with your leg. You never know.....

    Aunt Dina

  • Cathy

    People have forgotten what is important or some probably never knew. They look outside themselves for happiness and rewards. Years ago, family was number one and it satisfied people but now it is money, job, anything else. Everyone is looking after Number One so expecting anyone else to fill the void you have in your life will only lead to disappointment. Everyone wants money, money, money or maybe fame or acceptance from this group or person. You can only control yourself and doing that is actually a big job these days. Too many people expect someone else or something else to make them happy - world doesn't work that way. Everyone has such great big plans rather than little steps towards a goal where they realize success along the journey. What happened to God in people's lives? You know that something is missing - what is it?

  • J.

    For some reason I am always expected to be the strong one and I appear that way to to most, perhaps that is why I always seem to be the one people come to that will help and solve whatever problem it is that is happening right now. I am also the one who is always expected to make the compromise if there is one needing made.

    A quick view into me: mother at 16, 17, 19, married to high school sweetheart, father abusive and wrote me off at 14 he passed 3 years ago, mother who had weight loss surgery and went crazy in the head and leads a destructive life which don't include me unless she is in a mess, only sister survived breast cancer, daughter with health problems and a crazy boy friend, son has bipolar and says mean horrible things about me that are not true, care giver to mother-in-law (a thankless job), father-in-law passed away last year, lost good jobs because of the failing economy and overwhelming stress, going deaf from Meniere's and frequent bouts of infection, and no health insurance for myself.

    I am surrounded by people, but I feel unloved. I feel like I live in a fish bowl and that I have no privacy, but I feel alone.

    I am always sad, I barely eat, I cry myself to sleep every night only to wake up every hour because I can't sleep, I barely have the energy to do the tasks required of me as a mother and a wife to maintain the household (cooking, cleaning, etc).

    I feel worthless and useless and often feel like a punching bag. I don't feel like I belong or that I even matter. I don't feel like I have a home or that I have control over anything in my life.

    I hate sleeping, I hate eating, I hate breathing, I hate life! I see others around me that have seemingly perfect lives and they "owe it to God" but He has nothing for me. All I have known in life has been disappointment and heartache. Struggling and falling flat on my face no matter how hard I try or how much "praise" I give Him is the only thing I have received.

    I struggle with going to work and coming home. I struggle with day to day life in general. Although I would never think of ending life by my own hand, I do not care if it ended.

    I am overwhelmed with stress and it seems one more thing always goes wrong and it sends me into this dreadful thought prosess and I want to give up. I don't know how to handle stress even at the smallest level anymore. Honestly, I am at the point now that if I drop something on the floor like a sock, I stare at the sock and begin crying uncontrollably. I need help but don't know where to go.

  • Anonymous-40

    I am 27 yrs old have been married for 9 yrs and have an 8 yr old and an 8wk old.... the first three years of my marriage was a trip through hell and the devil was my husband.... we divorced....remarried due to his changes(he stopped drinking).. I have been using drugs since i was 14, any drug name it and i have loved it..... I managed to get myself through college (EMT-P) but for what? i am now stuck at home taking care of my bed-ridden father in law and my 8 wk husband may not drink or beat me anymore but he uses cocaine on an extreme level so he is no help, although he maintains a good job EMT-P), that isnt enough..........i spend my days alone (with baby and in capacitated father in law) i cry all the time, i have no energy, hope, anbition.....i regularly skip showers for days at a sleep anymore.............. well anyways i started thinking about using my husbands beautiful, powerful 357 to put me to sleep permanatly, or as i told a close friend to blow my fukin brains out.... that was enough,,, i have lost 2 boyfriends in my life due to suicide i know that pain(yes 2 boyfriends) so i went and saw my dr. i cried my eyes out and felt so embarresed, my life is good, i have money nice vehicles own my home educated great kids and lots of love,,,, but i feel hopeless lost alone and that makes me feel guilty.....well the dr. imediatly sent my to a phsyc.. which turned into just setting up an appt. no help that day and i was so angry that i went through ALL THAT AND STILL HAD NOTHING TO SHOW FRO IT,, THE VERY NEXT MORNING WENT BACK TO MY DR AND TOLD HER I NEEDED IMMEDIATE RELIEF THAT I WAS AT FALLING OVER THE EDGE........she prescribed me 2mg diazapam which yes does help some but not significantly... point is now i know that i am on a path to being happy again......HAPPINESS IS POSSIBLE...... at least thats what i keep telling myself...

  • sharon taylor

    i have so much to say on this subject,i don't know where to start.i was diagnosed with bipolar,schioprhenia,mania depression over 5 yrs ago.i was going through a divorce,working in a factory had to move in with my parents,i also have a son whom has adhd and i was pregnant with a baby from a one night 15 i was arrested and put in rehab.i use to drink take pills huff spray paint and do family knew ther was something wrong with me but i did nt want to accept it.i have tried to cope with it on my own.i wanted to kill myself and my children.i didnt know what to do,living with my parents was so stressful.i never made enough money to provide for my children the way i wanted to.i never got child support,well only when he had to save his ass from going to check was being garnished every week from debts my husband and i both owed.i hated myself my life my ex husband and some times my parents and sister too.i have been know to go out on occasion to drink,but this last time,i was so stressed i thought i would have a drink or two,but i ended up drinking way too much and went over to my boyfrineds and accused him of a bunch of b.s.then i just snapped i dont really know what happened to me i grabbed two knifes,i hit him in the face i chased him around,i must have thought that i was going to kill him.but i would never intentionally hurt anyone .i love him.he has always been there for me,he was my biggest supporter.he made me realize things and see things differently in my life.i hate myself for what i have put every one one deserves to be treated the way i have treated them.i am now charged with a class c felony and an open container.i'm scared.i just need help.i know i do ,but all the times i was on medicine i could.nt function i was so sedated.the drs changed my meds four times but nothing helped me so i quit them all togeher.

  • Anonymous-41

    I am 27 years old. I am single, no childen, no significant other. I am a full time student with above average grades. I have a good job and make enough money to get by. I am constantly angry and upset at the whole world. I feel very awkard and self conscious in any type of social situation. I don't have any close relationships with anyone. I get along fine with my family but I am not close to them, nor I trust them it's superficial. I feel hopeless and feel like I will never get anywhere in life. I feel like I am stupid, ugly and worthless. Happy people annoy me I hate holidays and anything that resembles joy. Things that people normally find joyful I think are stupid. I would rather be alone than in the company of others. I haven't ever thought of taking my own life, but i wouldn't mind if I went now. Sometimes I just want someone to put me out of my misery. I hate the fact that everyone expects me to be cheerful and happy. No one understands the rage that I feel and they think I "get too worked up". Can anyone help me put a name to the way I feel? I am miserable.

  • Anonymous-42

    Pain.anger.sadness.lonliness.hurt.confused.are words that i feel within myself. I'm 22 and I'm a college student working towards being the best person I can be. I will be graduating next December and I've always been a very laid back person that enjoys the smaller things in life. When I was 20 I started feeling sad all the time and started to worry more than I use too. I didn't know what the problem was, but i had a smile on my face everyday. Little did people know I was drowing within myself. I lost myself. I no longer knew the person I had become and i would look in the mirror asking myself when will Kim come back? How long is she going to be gone? will she ever come back? I then got on my knees and cried for hours. My mother and father don't understand my pain so I don't communicate with them because with my mother it leads into an unwanted argument and i don't need it...I have given up on happiness for know...I see the sunshine sometimes, but it's never bright enough to take the pain away. I look at the clock as times passing by wondering when everything's going to be alright. I was never a problem child...teen..or adult. I seen so much growing up and it has had a big impact on the person that I am today. I seen my parents fight and I mean FIGHT. I seen things that give me no hope for marriage or children. I'm just lost. what do I do and how to I save myself. I cry all the time...ALL THE TIME. I'm just wanting to be set free. from anger, sadness, confusion and more..FREE. I'm tired of looking back and still walking in darkness...I've tried to be a good friend..some don't want that...and good girlfriend...some don't want that...I try to be a great daughter...and I feel like I'm a bother. why should anyone have to feel this way...I feel so down and out. I'm don't know how long I can go through something like this. I ask myself...will i find identity. who I am. who I'm destine to be. WILL SHE COME?

  • Anonymous-43

    I have suffered from depression since I was 6 years old now I am 21 and my depression and social anxiety is at it's worse. I am taking zoloft which I have taken for 5 years but recently my depression has taken a turn for the worse the past few months. I have even thought and caluclated the amount of days it would take for someone to find my decomposed body (2 weeks). I have thought about getting help but my anxiety has gotten the better of me. I should be happy, I have a full sholarship for 5 years, a part-time job, a loving family, but I find myself always sleeping and finding an escape. I think I really need help.

  • PEGI




  • coralyn idea

    please help.i dont know what to do.years ago my mother discovered about my fathers another woman.then after that,their relationship turns bad.they fight everyday and then seperate for several we already moved on and they are back together.but then my mothers attitude went the same,she causes their every fight, every minute, if it is their daily routines.and the reason?because my mother stilll cant forget what my father afraid my mother is some kind of paranoid according to what they said ut i just want to help her live a more normal life.i love her and i truly care for her and our family.please help me.i need it right now.

  • sc

    I've struggled with depression since high school. I'm a smart guy, but I never had the motivation to do really well. Things got better for a short time, but now I'm 20, back in college, and things are worse than they ever were before. My dad died, my brother is married, and it seems like there's absolutely no one to talk to. I'm 6'2, I eat everyday, but I'm losing weight. I went from 165 down to 148 since last year. When I try to read for class, my mind drowns out everything and I can't concentrate. It took me over an hour to read three pages today, and I don't remember what it was about. This shouldn't be happening to me. I'm not slow and I'm not dim, but this depression is overpowering. I think it's time I sought professional help.

  • Tyler

    I have been there before. I went through a period of time when I was about 20 (Im 25 now) where I didn't have the motivation for anything. I suggest you pick up an old hobby. Something that gave you enjoyment in the past. Try convincing yourself each day to do something for your enjoyment and try to have realistic expectations. Replace negetive thoughts that you may have about yourself with something positive, anything positive at all it may be small. It is just as easy to be think positively as it is to think negetively. Understand that there are many people who have tough times and get through them so what makes them different from you. You deserve to be happy and remember that if you want to be happy you can. You may have a low self esteem or just haven't found your niche in the world which is fine, remember people do care and you can get through it. Try to live a healthier lifestyle if you can and remember little improvements are still improvements. Take things day by day my man.

  • Grey

    I am 21 and I have been off and on with constant thoughts of conflict, anger, loss and lack of worth. I get an A in anything that i try to do so now I don't even have a sense of acheivement when I do. All i can do is fail. I am once again systematically cutting off anyone who trys to be close to me like I do every time I get people who actually give a shit about me. I do not want to go to a therapist because I am paranoid about how it could possibly affect my future. I have my own business and a 3.6 gpa and everything is so focused on the future success of me and blah blah blah. While all these thoughts dance like a parade across my mind it all turns into grey as well as all the people and notions of happiness. I keep reaching for something to care about and I spend my money on little things just to make myself happy but it is all a charade. Once people arent around me anymore the truth hits, I fucking hate me, I hate the way I look in the mirror and there is no longer passion in my eyes. When I get bored and drift into the greyness I think about shooting myself in the head. I dont want to, but I cant stop myself from just drifting right into that thought everytime like clockwork. I try to think positive and it works in small ways, but I keep coming back to the same thoughts and when I try to shake them off I actually give myself a headache that hurts like a bitch so now i cringe while I fight my brain. It is so much fun to look like a psychopath at random times in the middle a crowded university. Hoo-ray!

  • Anonymous-44

    someone earlier commented on the author of the solutions paragraph. I totally agree with his disgust. Absolutely disgraceful. Sometimes i wonder what are people like this doing on depression sites. I thought the only people that go to these sites are people who need help and reasurrance and to know they don't feel alone. When I am not depressed I don't really search for stuff on depression so I can't understand why someone would say kill yourself. Sometimes i think i'm crazy but seeing stuff like this reminds me what crazy actually is and this I DEFINATELY am not.

  • rawvegangymjunkie

    A main part of the cause of depression is related to diet animal base diets induce more mental and brain disfunction than anything else fried and fatty foods are the worst. Try cleansing yourself and start living today I have and i dont look back.

  • Anonymous-43

    If you need someone to talk to email me at Don't let the name misguide you, I have dealt with severe depression and social anxiety, and if you need someone to talk about your issues with email me. I think if your visiting this site your looking for help and I want to encourage you in seeking that help, professional or simply needing an ear to listen. Never give up and rely on your own hope.

  • Anonymous-45

    What proof do you have that an animal based diet is responsible for depression? People who have eating disorders are often depressed. Are people diagnosed with anorexia nervosa depressed because they eat an animal based diet? Is the person who has secondary depression as a result of PTSD depressed because of their experiences or because of their animal based diet? Are people with bipolar disorder pushed into the depression end of the cycle because of their diet? Are they pushed out of the depression cycle into a manic phase because they are a vegan? I believe diet can play an extremely small role in depression (i.e. if you eat healthy and feel well physically, you will feel somewhat better mentally). To ensuate that a large portion of depression is because of diet is ridiculous. Must be watching too much of the high school graduate, second rate actor Tom Cruise.

  • needhelp

    (I have been following a famous ladies experience with depression and consequent commitment to a facility. It has been several months dealing with intense guilt and worthlessness. Now contrary to what you may think, I am very outgoing, gregarious, lead in several ministries, very helpful and compassionate towards those in need, I read and memorize Scripture. You name it. I am blessed and fortunate to have sharpening, kindred, Godly, strong Christian friends. There have been a few things occur in the last 2 years that I believe has led me to where I am today as best as I can figure. But instead of boring you with all the details, I have concluded that it is the fact that I have given up on those things I have worked so hard on. I see the apathy and disinterest in those in whom I have tried to pour my life into for His glory. That has to be one. The other is dealing with the guilt, the guilt that has kept me awake for many years. The guilt that I have passed on to my daughters the recipe for failure. While I did it in total confidence that I was following God's ways, it is definitely not so. I am now at the point of suicide, I believe I am now past contemplation. However, there are things to take care of before it happens as I need to make sure things are in order at home first. In those moments when I think I can get past this with help (as I will not ask for it), I remember she checked herself into a facility. Maybe a facility will help but not here as I live in a small community. Anyone know of the facility? While the plan is already set, I cannot do this until things at home are in order ( our will is, but there are other little things I have to take care of first). Thank you for any info you can provide.

  • Rei

    I'm currently a senior in HS. For the longest time I've been suffering from anxiety, negative thoughts, hopelessness, etc. When things at school began going downhill (Failed classes because of lack of motivation, inability to concentrate, etc...), I finally mustered up the courage to talk to a school councelor. She had me take a test, talked to me a bit, told me I might have something called "Dysthymia", and promised she would get me a councelor. She said Dysthymia was only a mild case of depression, so I shouldn't worry too much. Weeks later, and I still haven't seen any kind of councelor. I've been feeling worse and worse... the hopelessness, the anxiety, the everything... it's just been piling up. I haven't gone to school in the past 2 weeks. Why? I haven't a clue. I leave my house in the morning, and I just never make it there. Instead, I walk around for hours, mostly going to bookstores, and just wallowing. Every day it gets worse. I make more and more mistakes, I miss more and more days, and It's getting so hard to lift myself up from it. I feel like everyone in the world is ready to tell me what a failure I am. How worthless I am. I missed a few days in the first semester and all my teachers were like, "you're so bright, but you're ruining yourself with the attendances" and giving me these disappointed looks. One even said "I can't believe such a good looking girl like you could be like that". Hah. How the hell am I supposed to go back to that? And I have to-- I know I have to. But I can't. I try to get myself to go, but I always end up going the other way and not making it to school. When I think of people thinking of me like I'm a failure... I clam up badly. I feel like I can't breathe and it literally hurts. I already feel like that, like no matter what I do I wont amount to anything. And I understand that I'm making it worse for myself, but I can't stop the things I do. I skipped one day because I felt so unbelievably tired (I'm always so tired, no matter how much rest I get). I thought, "let me rest today, maybe things will pick up tomorrow". But they didn't. They just got worse and worse and it feels like no matter what I do, I wont be able to lift myself up from it. And I've been thinking stupid things, too. Things like how easy it would be if I would just die. I'm not suicidal-- I'm not brave enough. But just... other kinds of deaths. Like me getting hit by a car, or getting badly hurt. Anything so that I wont have to deal with everything anymore. And then I realize what I'm thinking and I feel loads worse.

    I told my best friend and sister about the depression (I took a major chance, since I'm a very private person), and I think trying to talk to them made it worse. They said, "Oh, well, I have days when I'm depressed too, but I just force myself to do what I have to do. You just have to make yourself". And that makes sense, right? It should. But I still can't. It's like something physical is stopping me from doing that.

    God, I'm so freaking tired of feeling this way. I've lost interest in lots of the things I've used to. I used to love writing-- I still enjoy it from time to time-- but now it has become an absolute chore. Everything is a chore. Waking up in the morning is a chore. Thinking of tomorrow (because thinking any further is either impossible or an impending disaster) is a chore. I try to get into all kinds of things, to bring myself out of it, but I always lose interest. It's so hard to concentrate on anything (Reading, people speaking, everything) and I feel like there's a fog in my head, swimming around and darkening my thoughts. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I want to cry. Sometimes I DO cry. Someone would compliment me and tell me I'm pretty, and I would feel happy. For a minute. And then I would look into a mirror, or let a little time pass, and I would feel like the ugliest person in the world. I feel detached, withdrawn. No matter how close I am with someone, there's always a barrier that I can't break through. I've become irritated and angry, prone to snapping and lashing out. My mom, my poor mom, has become an almost regular target of my agitatedness. "You're going to be late for school!" she tells me (thinking I'm going) and I just lash out and tell her to shut up. And I know I shouldn't-- she's my mom, I love her-- but I can't help myself from feeling the need to shout or snap or scream.

    I want to go back to school. I want to get back on track (though I don't know if I'd ever really been on it at least it feels that way), but I don't know HOW. I feel like it wont work. Like no matter what I do, forces (because there's no way I'm in control of my life right now) wont permit me to. Or that if I do-- and this is almost worse-- I'll fall again. I'll fall and fall and fall to the point that I can't get back up. I feel so trapped, and I know I'm driving myself into a corner more and more-- but what the hell do I do?

    I want to see a therapist. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I don't know if they'll help, but I at least want to try. It feels like I need to be fixed, but I know I can't do it myself.

    I don't even know where to look. And aren't therapists so expensive? There's no way I can let my Mom know about even half of the things I'm feeling. She wont understand. I know she wont. I don't want her knowing I'm more of a mess-up than what I already am.

    What the hell do I do?

  • gracie

    always remember to love yourself first after God

    I have major depressive recurrent, I am 47 years old and can remember the demons of my disorder effecting me back to 5 years of age. I can understand how you feel with little to no family members. I does give one a very huge hole in thier lives. It also can be quite scary. I too have lost my brothers, my dad, both grandparents and my two of my only uncles that I knew and loved. My mom suffers from morbid jealousy which i am the victim of which is quite horrific to handle.I would just like you to remember, close, rightous, God fearing friends are no diffirent than family. Does not have to be blood. Yes, they are hard to find. But try and make yourself more available and more friendly even if you have to fake it until you can make it. I learned to do this when I accepted Jesus Christ as my saviour and received all the peaceful glory and love that came to me as a result. I also learned to love myself.Really love myself. I know how hard it is when depression has made it hard for you to even want to brush your teeth let alone fix your self to be attractive and friendly toward others. I also am not one bit gullable and fully aware how many ugly mean hearted game players are out there. The more you love yourself and God, they are very easy to spot so not to subject yourself to them. I truly just wanted you to know that not having a family, we are still special loving people and we are not alone and there are millions out there just like us sweetie so please hang in there. If every you need to talk to someone, Im free quite often. Gracie

  • Anonymous-46

    I am venting because I am hurting so badly inside and can't do anything to make it go away. My daughter in law was diagnosed with ocd. Does this have anything to do with her refusal to let me see my grandchildren? I have 3 others, love kids more than anyone in my world, and i am 2 miles away.

    I can't say a lot because i am sure that she would use that to pull them further away. My son i think is standing by her because she is his wife but he tells me how unhappy he is every once in a while.

    How do I deal with the negativity and unexplainable resistance of my daughter in law to leave my grandchildren with their grandparents for even an hour?She has admitted this problem but it still doesn't change.

    What do I do?

  • Anonymous-47

    I was raised by a alcholic drug addict father and a mother whom in the 1950 s had over 200 schock therapies and a frontal bore hole labotomy as a diagnosed pszophrenic. I was basically taught to be a murderous sociopath by her especially. And I was on that road believe me with a hatred for society that still makes me distrust to this day. I had atleast 1 year of major depression episodes with no sleep at all betwwen 4 periods off and on. Doctors would not give me antidepressants as they could not figure out how I could not blow my head off so how could I have it. Counsellors were useless at 70.00 a hour. Through my own resources and strenghth I made it with gods help. If I gave up hope I would not be the success I am now. No one believed I could do it but you can do it also. Look on the internet bug your doctor help is their. Crying the blues will not get you nothing. You are your biggest asset in healing yourself.Trust your instincts and keep looking.

  • Karen

    I can relate to every post that I read today unfortunately. There does not seem to be any easy answers.I always believed that what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger....I am 45 years old and have been suffering from depression for the past 20 years. I too have tried various treatments over the years. Some worked and some haven't . It has been a long,slow battle. Not every treatment is the right one for everyone. You just have to keep trying all of them and hopefully something will eventually bring you some much needed releif! I am a cerified psychiatric nurse and have had the oppertunity to work some excellent psychiatrists and therapists over the years.It is extremely frustrating to me to have to suffer like this all of theses years but some how by the grace of God i have hung in there. I think because it would be too devastating to my parents and children .I just wanted everyone to know that I do feel their pain and am empathetic! I will pray for all of us ! To those who have never suffered from have no idea how debilitating this disease is to those that have and those that it affects. God Bless you all! I definitely will be checking this site frequently. Take care all !!!

  • Endlessnight

    Hi. I have suffered from depression for most of my life and didn't even know it. For most of my life I was a walking zombie. If I were asked what I did with those years I wouldn't be able to say. I ate, I talked, I went out...but thinking back on those years now I know It wasn't really me. Or that's how it feels anyway. As I got closer to turning 50 all kinds of health problems hit me at once and I felt like I couldn't cope anymore. I was so overwhelmed with the way I was feeling. All I wanted to do was curl up in some dark corner and stay there. I'm not really sure what it was that made me think of going to see a doctor, a psychiatrist. I think it was a combination of all the different health issues I was having. I went to a gyn because I was menopausal and having a real hard time with that. Anyway, I did go to see a psychiatrist. (There are no therapists here where I live.) He put me on medication at once and I have been feeling better. Not completely of course, but the medication has helped me. I've been taking it for six months now, and I still have my moments when I just want to give up, those feelings haven't completely gone but there is a difference which is why i'm writing this. To all of you that feel like life is over, that nothing is worth the effort...I just want to say, get help if you can. I am having problems with my meds, weight gain being one of them and this insatiable appetite for sweets, and my lack of self will in giving in to that craving is making me so angry at myself, so I still haven't found the perfect med for me, if such a thing even exists, but I feel that I am, even if only in a small way, getting connected with life again. Just thinking of all the years that i wasted, how I have wasted my life makes me hate myself a lot of the time. But, again, I am hoping one day I can actually, if not like or forgive myself, then at least not hate myself so much. So get help if you can, and I want to say I know how hard it is, just please try. Life can be so wonderful if only we could learn to enjoy it.

  • wilsonlee

    Its really an informative and motivating post and right method which can help in a very effective way to overcome depression problem.Thanks for the recommendation.

  • denise

    I live in the darkness. No one ,but me, alone. The intence darkness , the blackness that threatens to suffucate me in a gelatinous tear drop that I hang in. The drop that will someday release and I will fall to my death.

  • Cassandra Parker

    I have been in depression for so long I almost forget how old I am. Some days I feel a smile but inside it really is not happy just totally gloomy and down and out. It is difficult to climb out just like that when someone suggests to you to try to be happy because your emotions and feellings are scattered over the chart. I have been off and on since I was much young and now I am in my mid fifties and it just gets worse. I look to the sun and clouds but only see dark and sadness through my tears. Prescriptions can do some things but they do not get to the heart which is what is broken in depression and cannot beat its way out. I wish there was an ultimate way we could save and help one another that we need not ever have to feel this way with our friends and families altogether. God must have some way to help us all!

  • Anna

    Just wanted to say that I have from a very young age been suffering with social anxiety (probably Avoidant Personality Disorder), Generalised Anxiety Disorder, dysthymia and intermittent bouts of Major Depressive Disorder. I probably have BPD as well. These things persist despite all the treatment and effort in the world. It does not take much for me to become stressed, anxious, then depressed. I haven't been able to pursue my dreams past a certain point because of that. I can't cope with much. The place I'm at now is trying to accept my many limitations and just live with it, and not put myself in for anything too stressful. It may be a personal tragedy but in the greater scheme of things it doesn't matter all that much.

  • Stacey

    I have been depressed on & off from the age 13.. I have struggled through the years using alcohol as an escape.. There have been periods of happiness in my life & years that I didn't drink at all, but I somehow managed to destroy or push away any happiness that came my way. Then Jan. 09 I lost my grandmother, she was the only person in this world that was always there for me no matter what, I was her favorite person in the world & she was mine..I lived with her & my grandfather most of my life. None of my friends or even my girlfriend at the time came to her funeral to support me. I feel like no one really cares about me & I am completely on my own.. If any emergency would happen, I really would have no one to ask for help. Then in August my girlfriend at the time was intoxicated & purposely drove her car off the road & totaled it.. she was ok but when she called for my support for some reason I was so angry, I was so mean.. I told her I couldn't be there for her.. like that she was gone, blocked me & I never got to talk to her or see how she was.. It was devastating for me to go through the loss of both of them.. Now I feel so out of place everywhere I go, I want to quit school bcuz I cant focus, I have no motivation & all I feel like doing is sleeping or drinking.. which makes me feel 10x worse.. Im just so tired of being alone all the time & constantly feeling like Im not good enough for anyone to love. I've talked to a couple of my friends but I can tell that they really don't want to hear about my problems. I live alone & have for along time, but for some reason the walls feel like their closing in.. every person that I have loved has left me, so I am obviously my own problem. I'm 29, I want someone to love me, I want a family & I doubt if I'll ever have either.. I wanted to be a dental hygienist & have a nice house & a family.. but none of that seems possible anymore & I don't even want it if its only for me. How can no one in my life be concerned about me? I don't understand :( now I understand how my girlfriend felt.. maybe this is what I get.

  • Julia

    i have been in depression all my life...not cause from my family...just people. it all started when i was 4...i grew up in a neighborhood that its all rotten with ignorant people...i lived through that neighborhood until i was 13. but i had trouble. people messed with me, torture me(beating me up), starting fights...they all did that to me every single day when i was growing up. i can never forget those terrible memories... i didnt have no friends...after when i became 13, me and my family moved out, but i still lived in a world of darkness with cold blood in emotions are only sadness, hollow, sorrow....last year my father died of cancer, i didnt have a good relationship with my father, after he died my heart is nothing but filled with agony...even from my painful childhood memories....Darkness is my home, and i'll stay with it...pain is in my body and my heart and it stays with me forever...

  • Anonymous-48

    i was physically and mentally tortued and sexually abused by my birth mother as a young child, now that i am older i have found myself completely without emotion. all of my relationships have failed, and i dont know what i can do to fix myself. my grandfather recently died and my other grandfather is in his last days here. i cant bring myself to cry for them although i know that i should be grieving right now.

  • Benjamin

    I have also been suffering from depression and anxiety issues for many years.But there IS help out there.There are numerous resources to be found on the internet.The key to getting out of depression,regardless of whether we have a diagnosis or not,is getting ourselves out around people.Not only people who are suffering like we are,but also other people.Helping others is also helpful(think volunteering)Think about it.When we are depressed,what are we thinking about? Ourselves.And what happens when we continue to dwell on ourselves and our own misery? We become even more depressed.With so many resources and solutions available,there is simply no reason to suffer.12 step programs can also help.Like "emotions anonymous" or "celebrate recovery".Check your local churches or online for meeting times and places.Journaling,self-hypnosis,online counseling,and exercise can all help.Come on folks,we are worth it.Lets take personal responsibility for ourselves and our prison of loneliness and unhappiness and do what we can to dig ourselves out of it.Dont forget to smile and speak to strangers.It sounds dumb,but it helps.

  • Anonymous-49

    I have severe problems with depression, anger, paranoia, insomnia, etc. Recently, I have tried to start a relationship. But this is what will happen: I'll start out okay, but then she'll mention her ex, and then I get paranoid, and start asking a lot of questions. Then I get mad and say things that I don't mean. Ill make her cry, and afterward, I'll feel like such shit. Last time, I almost killed myself (just one of many attempts). Afterward, I'll just go on hating myself.

    I don't really sleep all that much. I just feel like dying all the time. I go to a psychologist, but it isn't helping. Thing is, I won't tell anyone. And as much as I want help, I can't tell anyone. I get sick to my stomach, but won't throw up. And I don't know if this is relevant or not, but I've had diarrhea lately. On top of that, I just started hearing things. I'm going insane. It's such irony because, a few years ago, I would've made fun of someone who had my condition. Maybe it's god's way of punishing me. Maybe it's karma. Oh yeah, I'm losing my religion too, which while it isn't all that important, there's nobody here to stop me from typing it so I'm going to mention it.

    I try to explain it to my friends like this: I say, "Have you ever had a day where nothing goes right?" They'll say yes. Then I ask, "Do you know the feeling you get after you've been dumped?" Again they say yes. I ask, "Have you ever been sick to your stomach?" Yes. I ask, "Do you know the feeling after a night with no sleep?" Yes. "Have you ever experienced all of these feelings at the same time?" This is when they say no. "Well try to imagine it." They respond with something along the lines of, "Oh that sucks really bad. I hope that never happens to me." Well, wait. It's not over yet. Imagine feeling like that every day from the time you wake up (if you get any sleep at all) until the time you go to sleep (maybe). That's how I feel.

    Surprisingly, I don't do drugs. I don't smoke even with the genetic predisposition to do so. I don't drink (Maybe I'll have a drink once every few months). I don't do any narcotics. I have been thinking about trying marijuana though. I need something that will help me get over this. I can't deal with it anymore. And like I said, the psychologist thing isn't really working.

  • Benjamin

    Just a word about SSRIs,for those of you who are depressed.They can help in the short term,but in the long term they can become less and less effective and may harm neurotransmitter receptors in the brain and elsewhere.Moreover,most SSRIs contain flouride compounds,which are toxic to glands and organs,specifically the thyroid,and may result in hypothyroidism(suppression of thyroid function)and other toxic effects.Rather than using an SSRI to "trick" your brain or to block reuptake,consider providing the raw materials your body needs to make neurotransmittersnamely amino acids.I encourage depression sufferers to investigate the amino connection.It makes sense.After taking both paxil and prozac and experiencing lingering discontinuation effects(including thyroid disturbance)I had to find an alternative.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: I'm not at all sure that this commenter's claims about long term damage and flouride compounds are accurate, and neither am I aware of any amino (acid) treatment for depression other than those mentioned in our Alternative Mental Health topic center. However, a number of people have complained about difficulty comming off such substances.

  • Anonymous-50

    i didnt really know i was dealing with depression. since the 8th grade, maybe even earlier, i always had this sadness and sorrow in me. i can pinpoint when it started. i had a friend who had just moved from new hampshire. she was my closest friend. but she kept hurting me. she would say i was worthless and treat me so we moved into high school, she completely ditched me and started hanging out with a different crowd. she finally confronted me and told me we shouldn't be talking because i was below her. i started to believe the things she would say to me. this is when my self esteem began to fall and only continued to fall deeper.

    i didnt know what i was going through would turn into depression. i didnt know it was depression b/c it was something i only experienced alone in my room. late at night i would sit in the dark and cry and cry and cry. i thought i was crazy. the thoughts i was and am still having only made me hate myself. i quickly developed low self-esteem and i hated the person i saw in the mirror. i was able to hide my depression from my friends and family, but it was something i kept inside in my mind. but late at night i would stay up and cry. These thoughts soon became destructive. i wanted to cut myself but i never had the power to do it. all of these feelings have stuck with me since then.

    i am now a sophomore in college and i'm still dealing with depression. but since 8th grade, it has only gotten worse. it's at it worst. i wake up every morning wondering if the feelings have passed but they never do. i am always reminded of how i felt the night before. i tried to keep my depression a secret from my roommates but it became harder and harder to keep. i eventually had to tell them and felt extremely embarrassed about it. although the secret is now in the open, it's still getting worse. it's hard to explain to people that you wake up sad and go to bed sad. i cry every single day. the day isnt complete unless i cry. the pain is so hard to deal with because it's all in my head. there's not physical pain. it's hard to explain to my friends how i feel b/c it doesn't make sense to them. but it does to me. i cry all the time b/c i know i am ruining their summer. its supposed to be a time of sun, happiness etc. it's getting so bad that i've started lying to them about what i'm doing to myself. i have never done anything like this before. but i'm ruining it for them. i hate that. i hate myself for hurting them.

    recently the pain has become so unbearable that i have begun to cut myself. i know it was a bad decision but i just keep falling deeper. it has eased my anxiety and stress a little, but since i started doing it, i'm finding it hard to stop. i wake up thinking about cutting myself and i go to bed thinking about it. i can't escape it. it literally runs my life. i no longer run my own life.

    as that cymbalta commercial says, depression hurts. not only does it hurt me it hurts the people around me. i want to get help because i want to go back to the old me. i have decided to get help from a therapist because living like this is just no longer an option for me. it's way to hard.

    i just hope it works.

  • Tamra

    I have suffered from depression. But instead of mindless wondering why WHY WHY, I've always known what caused it.

    Folks, this world is a harsh place. But, bad as WE have it at times, let's face it. Compare to people in the 3rd world, we have it very good. We're not starving, we're not living in a war zone, and most of us (at least) have a stable life or at least the opportunity to make one for ourselves. No it isn't easy. But as the song goes "I never promised you a rose garden." To a large extent, you get out of it what you put into it.

    The causes of depression are many. Firstly, society as it exists today is centered on making money at all costs. If your well-being, your personal life, your family life, your peace of mind is sacrificed on the treadmill of work, you don't have much left over. That IS going to depress you. The deprivation of having little or no time to invest in doing something meaningful for yourself or others will deplete you of happiness. So, try as much as you can to find a career that suits your temperament and your inspiration -- not just your wallet, because it's something you'll be going to do just about everyday for a long time, and it's ever so much easier if the work you've chosen to do doesn't bore you to tears or grind you into the dust.

    Any abuse you've suffered, well, that will also cause depression. ANY ABUSE. Let me repeat that. ANY. ABUSE. Some of what some of you have been told is depression, is more likely the natural result of being treated like crap. Don't buy into the idea that your resultant depression is caused by a "chemical imbalance." The truth is, NO-ONE knows what normal brain chemistry is, because everyones' brain chemistry changes moment to moment. If you could PET scan me every second, all day, EVERY day, for a week, you'd get a different image for each one, because every thought and action your brain does creates a different neurological imprint. Don't think your brain can't be changed by your MIND, because if it couldn't, therapy wouldn't work, and the placebo effect wouldn't work, and you couldn't learn anything and when you learn ANYTHING, or take in ANY information, presto bingo, your brain has changed. Now you know how to make omelettes -- your brain is different than before you learned that. Really.

    The most anti-depressants can do is blunt your emotions. That's right. BLUNT THEM. So you may be less depressed, but you're going to be less happy too. And think about it, if this whole "imbalance" theory held any water, the drugs should be able to help just about everyone. But they don't. And the side effects you'll get when you go off them (because your brain shuts off some synapses after being flooded with serotonin for so long) will cause you to crash, big time. It's like that with any drug. Your body gets used to it, adapts to it.

    What has worked for me? Well, no magic pill. I've tried to pull my loved ones closer around me. I don't like my job (to put it mildly), but I'm sticking it out for now. I try to do what gives me the greatest enjoyment, like hobbies or activities that interest me. I stay away from upsetting things and scary movies and the nightly news. I think I might give therapy another try -- it was comforting having someone to talk to, an ally -- someone in my corner. I don't expect it to be easy. I still have bad days sometimes. I have a ways to go. I hope all of you find your way too.

  • Anonymous-51

    Christine, You should try meditation. I too have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks and depression for many years. I have done a massive amount of research on the subjust and it seems that most people who have recovered from these afflictions have used meditation, it seems to be the answer. I certaily can't hurt that is for sure. You should also join some mother's groups and concentrate on you baby, it is harder to be depressed when you are putting you energy into a little human being, but you must always allow time for yourself every day for meditation and relaxation or just doing something you enjoy. I wish you all the best and I hope things improve for you.

  • Pova

    I have suffered depression as long as I have lived in this life. No one knows that. It was such a strict family education I have had that made me stressful everyday. I have thought of suicide, sometimes it looks like the world broken down under my feet without reasons. I have taken some medicines but they are not enough. There are no hotlines as well as a good psychologist in my place. I have no one that can understand as well. I just have stood it by my own. Now I really need help. I don't know why I was born for but I can't live by this way any more.

  • Amy

    I am 13, and I'm not sure if I have depression. almost a year ago, I was talking to my best friend's sister on video chat. my best friend walked past and looked at the conversation and said 'why is it always about me, why cant she leave me alone?' (i had asked his sister if he was going to training that night) then that started making me lose confidence in myself. Sometimes I feel sad for no reason and sometimes in bed i sit and cry for ages when i think about things like that. it's like nobody likes me, even my best friends. I always feel left out when im with my friends, but they dont understand and realise. at my swim club i have quite a few close freinds, but not at school, especially now that 2 of my friends have moved school. sometimes i prefer being on my own, and i have to try and stop myself crying. i have thought about cutting myself, and a little bit about suicide but i couldnt go through with it. sometimes i just wish i was dead. Also me and my other best friend had a fall out a few months ago, and now im just too scared to speak to her. about a month ago when i was at a barbeque, we were all out on the field and i really randomly started crying, so i went to the top of the field and sat by the trees and cried. i heard some of them shouting my name but i was too scared to go down, also because my friend who i fell out with wasnt calling my name, so that made me cry even more. i try not to let them all see that im upset because im worried they will say im attention seeking or something, and i cant tell anyone. (sorry about the huge comment, guess its because i have never told anyone so i wanna say loads of it :S)

  • Anonymous-52

    This is for the 13 year old. I just lost a 13 year old niece due to suicide, she must've been extremely depressed and no one woud've ever thought she would take her own life. Please seek immediate help. You are worth something and you were put on this planet for a reason. 13 is too young to feel this way. Trust me. I would do anything to get my niece back and have just one more day with her. I have depression and the medication I am on helped tremendously. Please talk to a doctor or someone.

  • Sean

    Hey, just read your comment your mention of thinking of trying marijuana enticed me to try to dissuade you.

    I smoked pot every day for a year and a half while fighting depression (still fighting) and while it helps for about 20 minutes, the burn out brings you down further than your baseline. Not to mention the mounting link between cannabis and psychosis. If you're beginning to hear things that aren't there and if you're already paranoid, cannabis will only make these worse. It's expensive, robs you of energy and motivation (regardless of how low they may already be), and smoking of course is terrible on your lungs.

    The last few times I used, I'd sink immediately into self-defeating, depressing, scary patterns of thought. I'd go to bed high and start thinking I could move objects with my mind, or get super paranoid like I'm being watched at that moment, and when I closed my eyes I'd see faces transforming into other faces and demons very disturbing. I realized right away these are signs of psychosis, so I threw all my drugs and paraphenelia into the dumpster the next day. Oh and everything you've heard about cannabis being non-addictive is bull crap, because I'm still going through a psychological withdrawal from it.

    Bottom line is if you're depressed, a depressant will only depress you further still.

  • Kathryn Dudley

    My heart goes out to you. Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes. Do one thing get a tablet and write when you feel down, even when you have had a good day cause it helps. And on days when you feel you have no one to talk to email me. And when i get to a computer I will e-mail you back. I want you to know that you are special and sometimes the people you think are your friends really aren't. Do some deep breathing exercises, light a candle and put on some classical music. Destress your day. Smile and know that someone, somewhere is praying for you to make it through this struggle.

  • Anonymous-53

    i completely understand everything you are going through. at your age (or even younger) i felt the same exact way. the crying non-stop, the thoughts about cutting or suicide, sadness and need or want to be alone. it all makes sense. but to other people it won't. they just don't get it. and they never will.

    im 19 now and i feel like i should have this all figured out and i don't. i started medication about a month ago and while i can say it helps, it doesn't just make all your problems go away. today wasn't necessarily a good day and so much is going on that i can't handle my emotions. i cut myself tonite several times because i just can't deal with all the feelings that i have inside of me. plus seeing wounds makes me feel like the emotions i'm feeling are real, and that they arent just made up in my head.

    every time i cut myself, i feel myself falling far far away from everyone. i just wonder when all of these thoughts and feelings will go away. or it wont be normal for me to think about these thoughts every single day. because honestly, the first thought that is on my mind when i go to bed and wake up is cutting. 

    but for the 13 year old, i really do hope you try to seek some help. i wish i had at your age. from the time i was 12 years old, i always told myself i would never cut myself. and at the age of 18, i finally began cutting myself.   it's not worth it to feel the way you do, especially at your age. so i'm begging you with all of my heart to please please find help. it really will make a difference. right now i take medication and i am in therapy. only time will tell if my wish will ever come true. but i do know that whatever happens, at least i tried to get help.

    best of wishes.

  • Anonymous-54

    I'm twelve and my two friends and me are depressed because mostly the world seems so unfair and life sucks. We try to help each other but it's not extremely successful... anyone have ideas on what we should do?

  • Heather

    It's strange while I was reading your comment all I could think about is my past, and it honestly scares me to know that not only you but thousands of other people go through these things so young without anyone to talk to. I promise you that if you talk with your friend that you had a falling out with, you will feel better, I know its a scary thing but, I had the same thing happen to me, and still to this day, its been 6 years, I think about her and always wonder what if, and trust me its not worth it. Just go talk with her! And I want you to sincerely seek someone to talk to, maybe your favorite teacher at school, your councilor, maybe someone at church if you attend, even your principle. One day just go to there office and tell them you really need to talk to someone about life, and its ride. They WILL listen ad they WILL offer advice and you will always be able to go to them. It's a weird thing to feel loinliness, and its even stranger to know that you need to seek the friendship of someone. Please remember you are not alone in this world. Remember even a stranger can provide love that youve never known. And you can also speak to your parents, and trust me I know how difficult that is as times, but believe it or not, parents normally know what to do, and they know you.

    With love,


  • Anonymous-55

    I've just had 9 months of psychiatric assessments- I have 2 psychiatrists and a doctor. I have been diagnosed with severe borderline personality disorder. I am 30. Its has taken me 17 years of visits to the GP and more increasingly bizarre and extreme behaviour (I broke my own foot, burned myself with a metal objext heated on a cooker, self harmed, abused alcohol etc. cut my own hair off several times, .... gave myself 70-110 bruises )before my doctor would take me seriously (they would just tell me to "go away and forget about it" even when I went in bruised and bleeding... )- there are some poor docotrs out there who will not listen. But when you find a good one, you still feel like you have to prove you are depressed as noone believes you. It is a nightmare. Apparently 10-15% of people with BPD kill themselves as it is the worst type of mental illness to have to live with, I have antipsychotics (make me fat) and antidepressants (used to work.. are working less). Each day is a battle. I have repeated nightmares all night, I live a nightmare all day. It will not end, I have a stressful job where I feel everyone hates me, I feel like i'm going to be shot or stabbed every time I am outdoors, some days I cannot physically get out of bed or move (it feels like the worst flu in the world which will not go away).

    I have heard people say they have depression when they just feel a bit down. I have had people tell me "exercise and diet is good for depression"- it only works for non severe deprssion. When you get into the territory I am in, where you get the same physical feeling when faced with getting out of bed as you do when you go to cross a road and see a car coming- you physically not move) then you have depression. I just want people on here to know depression has levels- and people who tell everyone they are "severely depressed" might just be a bit blue-- its like panic attacks are not fat teenage girls crying and waving their arms about., they are silent, terrifying vomiting events. . When you feel so awful you break one of your own limbs (intentionally) as the pain is less than your mental pain and you cannot physically move or dress or wash for a week then this is the real deal.

  • rosey

    I am 52 and have had depression on and off since i was 12 and then 13 years ago had a severe breakdown, since then nothing really has seemed to help.

    So many meds tried and nothing seems to touch the surface much, nor help me to function.

    Right now i am going through another stage i cant keep awake and am sleeping so much. They say exercise helps, but how do i do that, when i cant even keep awake long enough to get dressed?

    When i can keep awake i cant do much, there is much anxiety and fear.

    I see 2 professionals regularly. Life is a blur. I dont know how much longer i can keep this up.

  • raph

    it's like i'm in this deep hole and no one there to help me.i feel so lost and alone,am actually in pain every single day inside and out.strongly thinking about cutting and to me the only thing that can stop this pain is to end my the country i live depression is not a priority,this is hell,no where to turn or anyone to turn to.

  • anna

    i cut myself i have no idea why, i have been doing this for 2 years now, i am 13. i am always happy, but i sit in my room all day blasting music in the dark. i am very self conscious. maybe i have manic but i've never been tested and i'm to scared to be tested, i told mum (about manic, i could never tell her i was cutting, i care about her to much) she said "don't be silly, your not crazy like other people".... sometimes i am sensitive, but i hold it all in till about once every month i break down and start crying..... do i have some sort of depresion?

  • Lee

    After reading your comment, it reminds me so much of myself when I was your age.

    I don't know about you, but the cuts, seem to be a little way of getting a release.. In some way releasing a little bit of tension and in a inquisitive way trying it to see what happens.

    I hate to say this, but I am now 26 an wish I at your age had spoken to someone. I am not a doctor so cannot for obvious reasons diagnose anyone, but I would pop along to your GP and just tell them what has been going on.







  • sham

    yes most of them what they have mentioned above is really true. i felt like may be changing my veiw on others would change the surroundings and the task that i perform.i hope who ever is suffering from depression can over come they and enjoy the things that life offer

  • Anonymous-56

    I have to say that there is hope out there for depression. First has to be your trust in God. That is a must. It is Christ for me. And you HAVE to see a physician. That is a must too.

    You have to learn how to be a forgiving person to get better.

    Also, things like walking outdoors everyday, exercising at the gym, music such as clean classical music, prayers, Holy Book reading (whatever your religion), proper food prescribed by a nutritionist or doctor, and helping/praying for someone less fortunate than you help tremendously. You should also have people you can talk to everyday. A family is a must.

    I have suffered tremendous depression and am doing better thank God. But to get back on track, you have to do all these things. There is hope out there. And remember, you HAVE to meet with a doctor.

  • Malia

    I've read a lot of these comments.........and I truly hate to say it, but I can relate to practically all of them. I guess we all do. I am thirteen years old myself, and I have mild depression. Unfortunately I also suffer from PTSD. Growing up watching my family being beat by my father certainly took its toll, and though I haven't been around PHYSICAL abuse since I was 8, I still go through Verbal and Emotional abuse. Who knew that part custody would suck so much xD. I have come to a point in my life where I just don't care anymore. I could never kill myself. I honestly couldn't. One of my triggers for PTSD is pain. So if I wanted to shoot myself I would probably accidently shoot my wall because my mind decided to break down and move the gun. I have never wanted to die. I've wanted to just....dissapear. Which of course isn't happening thanks to my lifestyle and minority/of/age. I'm writing this comment not for my own pity fest, but I just wanted to say something. 1) Don't die. Please. None of you know me, but I DO know what some of you are going through and I just have to say..don't die. You may not think so, but if you did you would be putting your own disorder onto other people. Your mothers, fathers, siblings, hell, it could be your teacher. Just DONT DIE

    2) Drugs (illegal ones) don't help. Trust me. I may be thirteen but I've been arrested for them and I learned. They didn't give me realease, didn't help me dissapear. They ruined a bit of my life. I'm not a problem child either, I learned from it and I guess you could say I'm a do-gooder now haha. But drugs...they make you feel much better...the first 20 minutes. And then you flop and you're stuck wondering, "What the **** happened? Why do I feel like....this...."

    3) Cutting. My best friend cuts herself. but she does it for attention.....-.- but ANYWAY get help if you cut yourself. If you are a minor, and living with your parents, realize this. You may not care about what you do to your body, but you're parents, friends, do. Those of you who won't tell anyone because they don't want to hurt them....YOURE HURTING THEM BY NOT SPEAKING. You are hurting YOURSELF. It is not a "release". You can't even call it a way of coping. GET HELP. You are not crazy. You just need to realize what you are doing. Look outside the box. Please

    4) I know this is a very long message and for those of you who read it all I congratulate you. I truly do lol. But just a word to the wise. Do not let ANYONE tell you that you are ugly, fat, or worthless. You are what you make yourself to be. No one elses opinion matters. AT ALL. Be yourself, not because of what everybody says but because for people like us that suffer from depression, in a way you could say its mandatory. If someone insults you, realize this. Thats their OPINION. Is it yours? NO. Don't make words become your reality. I know it sounds hard and in the beginning it is. But honestly? positivity attracts positivity. If youre worried your friends might leave you, explain how you feel. Not ALL of what you feel if youre uncomfortable, but that you're a "little" depressed and that its not your fault that you're acting "off". If they are true friends they will understand, feel guilty that they shunned you, and try to support you in any way they can.

    5) LAST NOTE!!!! I personally am not religious, but for those of you that are, God (or whatever your religion) isn't going to cure depression by themselves. Counselors (mandatory) and medication (MAYBE) walk hand in hand with Him when it comes to depression. Trust me...when you feel alone, its surprising how different you might feel when ONE person knows what you are going through.

    **I feel for you guys, I really do. I wish I could help you myself, but I can't....Just keep pushing. You're worth more then you think.

  • M.Face

    You must seek help!!!!!! Tell your mum about it. Or else it will get worse.

  • M.Face

    Think positive. Try your best to be happy even if you are feeling down. That might help.

  • M.Face

    You need to seek help from a professional. But you and your friends can share your feelings. And, the world is unfair, yes, but life is not that dull. If you can think positively, it is really not dull at all. If you have any negative thoughts, tell yourself not to think of those and think positively. I hope that will help.

  • BradLKForever

    I'm sad. Angry. Frustrated and Sad again. Everytime I read Articles like these, it just makes me sob so hard because I Have MDD. I don't know what to do. I know I need help but for now I think I just can't. My life is worthless and a disaster. I can't think of other ways to stop these. I cut myself but only small ones. I cry myself to sleep. I daydream of being a singer but It's like just putting me to misery. I fail myself. HELP ME!

  • anthony

    i used to be a really smart guy, atleast i thought so. then my words ran out. i procrastinate and the thought of ms word drives fear into me. i miss my friend v. i love her very much. i used to be the happiest, resilient. now im stuck. i have lost hope, but something shines through that i can't carry out-- that i know somewhere i am inspired to live drives me deeper into depression. i have shit habits. drinking makes me suicidal these days. amp doesnt work. smoking and pissing, this is my days for now. i sweat and cry. i stare at pages of notes, not knowing where the excitement that went into creating them has disappeared to. i used to have light. my heart hurts now. my chest is sore. i slump over all the time. what the f--k?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! damn i turned out to be a twisted shit. im 24.

  • Anonymous-57

    I do not suffer from depression but my family do. My brother has a LD and Schizophrenia and my father had severe paranoid depression last year. He died last January with a cold etc. He tried to hang himself last year. My brother is doing ok now and asks for nothing from anyone.

    I am a born again Christian and my faith has truly helped me to cope with my family and their problems. I have seen real results and the Power of Prayer.


  • Anonymous-58

    United circumstances have been working against me for years now. Up until about two years ago though, things went REALLY bad for me. I couldn't find work for the longest time while money became tighter and tighter. I couldn't find an answer anywhere. After several months of on and off depression, I tried giving myself something to concentrate on with a sense of determination and some kind of critical goal to work towards by joining the Army.

    Unfortunately, that didn't go well at all... I lasted in basic training for only two months as I watched the fellow trainees graduate. Meanwhile, the "training" I went through was grinding my rapidly deteriorating health down severely. My own morale was heavily weakened and in due time, I felt my depression had made a very triumphant return at the worst time possible.

    I was in a crucible of sorts dealing with the other trainees who would constantly give me a hard time, almost bully me schoolyard style until I finally snapped one evening while on a 7-day long training event known as Victory Forge. I was driven to such a brink from my long endured pain and depression that I wanted to kill the source of my mental anguish in some way or another. Someone overheard I wanted to try and assassinate four of the most beligerent members of my unit who were persistently picking on me or mortifying me in one way or another. I was nearly placed in military prison, but due to no actual danger posed, I was terminated from my unit. Chapter 11, failure to adapt. Yeah, real nice way of putting it...

    My health wasn't getting any better though as the final weeks there, I nearly died from some sort of flu that broke out within the building where I was stationed. Couldn't eat, sleep, or drink for two and a half days. I was so beaten though, that I hoped this illness would show mercy on me and let me pass on. I was so concluded I had nothing left, I would let myself go that way. The discompassionate healthcare on that base nearly did me in too.

    I finally made it home, but that experience has left a gaping scar in my memory ever since. Meanwhile, dealing with more unpleasant circumstances of my father gradually losing his mind in his obsessive struggle to maintain a romantic relationship with my mother while I'm caught in between and used as an information medium. I've been jobless since and without any form of insurance or medical care, I can't receive any treatment of any kind for neither my joint pain or my own need of psychological evaluation.

    And throughout these past two, going on three years now, I've been left somewhat, if not severely isolated in my home. Thoughts of loneliness permeate in my mind while I'm trying to sleep. It's hard to even recognize the difference between today and yesterday. It's like time is a blur and I'm dithered between the days.

    I just wish I could be free of all this. Free of my fears of being forgotten by every friend I've ever had. Free of feeling like the world has no use of me for my crippled joints. Nothing has given me salvation... I would fearlessly give anything to be free from these pains of the mind, body, and soul...

  • shani

    Ive read lots of comments you all seem so young.. I have suffered from depression and PTSD from 16 and Im now 54, yes ive had a couple of breakdowns along the way and mental hospital stays BUT as i battle through each soul destroying deep dark bout of depression, i know that i will come out the other end and when i do i grab every moment and love it! i know i will go down again and again and again BUT the best bit about being at my lowest point, when i cant even function, BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN I KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY IS UP!...why do i bother???? because ive managed to find fabulous friends that understand, had three children that love me,no matter where i am mood wise and managed to educate myself along the way. dont give up because depression is just part of the picture.the trick is to wait for it too lift, say thank you that its gone and grab life before it comes back. like day follows night...dont rage about the darkness, smile at the daylight.

  • Terri

    I read your stories and it provides me reassurance, even if you suffer from a severe depression, that you are still open to putting your feelings "out there". In this case, I would like your opinion. If you have this disease or one very similar, I would really appreciate some feedback. I love her so much but I hate this disease!

    I have a twin sister that suffers from Unipolar. I also have a Mom who suffers from manic bipolar. My Mom started using Crystal Meth about 7 years ago. This made my Mom's disease worse so I had to walk away and end our relationship soon after she started using. My twin and I do not do any drugs.

    My twin lives 12 hours away from me and I feel helpless. She doesn't speak to any of the immediate family. I listen to her venting even about the most trival stuff but what she thinks is trival is something big to her. She struggles with everything because of this disease. The disease is controlling her life instead of her controlling the disease. For three years she has tried to work on getting help with doctors and it has taken such a toll on her. She has spent so much money on Doctors and now that she has a diagnosis, she is spending so much money on perscription drugs. But she needs the medications to be stable. She doesn't miss doses and has no issues taking the medications. The issue is being able to afford them. She has insurance but even with insurance, her cymbalta alone is $157 per month. This cost with the other meds make it well over $225 per month. So it seems like every time she gets a break (ie - gets a diagnosis, then gets the right "cocktail" of meds), she gets discouraged by the roadblocks. She has applied for disability however that process for her is again amplified and seems a struggle to her. The agency asks for so much and doesn't offer a liason if someone is stuggling on their own. Although she has a group of people in her corner, I am sure that it would be easier for her to have someone in the agency to help her. She quit taking her meds because she couldn't afford them but I didn't find out until weeks later when I asked why she was so sick. I immediately called the pharmacy to pay for them over the phone. The pharmacy didn't let me but they encouraged me to send money via western union. I wanted to do this however I wasn't certain that this is what the money would be used for since I am sure that there are other areas that she is struggling financially with. I bought two gift cards to wal-mart and can only hope that she will use them for food and meds. I had them emailed to her.

    The reason why I post this long message is that I am trying to help without being an enabler. She withdraws if you give her ultimatums and gravitates to making choices on her own - however she severly procrastinates making any choices. Some of the time, the opportunity is gone and then she complains about the timeframe she had to make one (blaming the people offering the opportunity). Right now, I am starting the process of helping her move to be with family. She has finally agreed to do this when she has the choice instead of her being forced to live under a bridge when the bank takes possession of her house. She is thinking of being with family by January 2012. We have offered many times in the past but she has never been willing to leave a long time and on/off again boyfriend. I feel that he is hurting her progress but doesn't intentionally mean to. He calls every time she is hospitalized and keeps saying "she needs to be living with her family (implying myself or a relative that is over 12 hours away)". Then when she gets a handle on things, he encourages her to stay. She doesn't live with him (he is involved with someone else) however the last time that he and I spoke, I told him that he needed to be very clear with her that he wanted her to move and then he needed to play an active role in helping her. He said that it is too much work for him and he is tired of continuously helping her and her taking things out on him. She only asks him to help but no one else, she only accepts help from him. When anyone else tries, she pushes them away and says that it is too much for her. She doesn't (nor wants to) plan for anything and her even discussing the logistics of moving only exhausts her. This disease doesn't allow her to have any hope at all so it is a constant state of hopelessness. Unfortunately for me, I see hope and can help to give her hope but she can't see it so it is easier for her to "shut the curtains" but harder for me to see her do this. I am afraid that if she doesn't plan any of the logistics to move, it only gives room for another episode that ultimately takes her life (she has tried a few times before and was saved by her friend that wasn't supposed to find her). Should I let go and wait for her to come to me with a plan or should I take some kind of actions (ie research being the POA for her so that I can sell her home for her, sign her up for disability, help with her finances)? I know that I need to protect myself too so that I don't take it too personally if things change. If you have this disease or one very similar, I would really appreciate some feedback. I love her so much but I hate this disease!

  • Lily

    Hello Good after noon

    I have recently been very concerned about my sleep!

    I wake up at least 3-4 times at night and i have dark under my eyes i sleep about 7hours on weekdays and 9hours on weekends. I don't understand why?

    Other than that i've noticed that i don't laugh as much as i use to, sometimes i even start wondering if i have a sour sense of humor. I'd really hate to think I don't have a good sense of humor because for as long as i can remember I don't laugh as much as i use to. I don't actually have a laughter, like the people have like a chuckle? i'm not sure what its called, i just have a short giggle when i find something funny, which hardly ever happens.

    I'm not sure if the reason why all of this is occurring is because about a year ago my mom found out about me and my boyfriend's intimacy, she switched me schools, she hit me really bad the cops were involved the school counselors were involved. I fell into deep depression and had suicidal thoughts, I wouldn't talk to anyone in the new school i just wanted to be alone but I felt better off at school I didn't want to go home ever. I didn't feel like talking to anyone at home, my family wasn't talking to me anyways. I felt alone I only had my boyfriend. I would contact him from students i didn't know during class just to stay in touch with him, because my mom had taken my phone away. I wasn't able to see him at all for a long while his family came and talked to my family and tried to work something out then i could only see him 3 times a week only in the playground around the corner of my house. I felt watched all the time I hated it!

    Me and my boyfriend had so many fights because i would always follow what my mother would say because i was scared she'd hit me. A few months went by then she started trusting me again and let me go on dates with my boyfriend out to eat and arcades. Of course checking up on me all the time constantly calling me asking me for pictures of where i'm at, it was very frustrating and annoying. Now she lets me out a bit more than before i'm still in a different school than my boyfriend & i want to switch back for my senior year to the school i was in before my mom switched me schools. I'm 17 years old right now. I don't want to graduate from the school i'm in right now! I'm planning on telling my mother soon that i want to switch back but i dont know how.

    I'm sorry for this really long story!

    But im freaking out.!

    Hope you understand me

  • Amanda

    im a 13 year old girl. me and my family have been through soo much in life. my mom and my sister suffer from depression. and im also suffering from depression.when i was a little girl(about 7 or 8) i would always see my dad hit my mom. he abused her for years. and i would always remember me and my older sister would peek through the door to see my dad hit my mom, and we would cry. while my brother would watch tv and my lttle sister would be crawling behin us. she finaly, after a long time, left him. we lived on our own(mom,older sister,me,little brother,little sister) for a while and now she has full cusiudy of us. my mom didnt have a job so she was struggling finacliy. but the lady was realy cool with us cuz she would always say ok when you get paid give me the money. and around that time my sister and my mom were getting into alot of verbal fights. so my sister left to go live with my dad. my dad lived with his mom which was about 2 or 3 blocks away from our townhouse. after that i would always sleep with my mom beacuse i would cry at night wanting my sister to come back. at this time i was about 10 years old. and finalyy my mom said i had to sleep on my own. i still remember that day when my mom sat on the side of the bed waiting for me to go to sleep. holding my hand saying its ok, as i cryed my eyes out. i eventuly started to sleep by my self and wasnt scared no more. then my sister came back and she would sleep with me and sometimes my mom. and then i remeber that one night when i was in my moms closet, my mom was on her bed, and my sister was calling for my mom from inside the shower. i wanted to go see what was happening but my mom didnt let me. and when my mom came out, she came out with my sister and they both were crying. i eventuly found out about 20 minutes later that she had cut her self. i felt so bad for her. i thought everything was good with her. and i guessed wrong. i saw her scares about 4 weeks later. and then my 6th grade year ended. i meet cool new friends. but now i was moving because my mom couldnt pay anything off because she had no job. so we moved into her moms(my grandma) house. and that move was about 30 to 40 minutes away.and my grandma was a real WITCH. now if you are still reading i congradulate you. im almost done :). she still is. she would always be on our case. and when i went to this new school, i would eat lunch by my self. it wasnt untill january(6months later) when i found a friend. and we ate lunch together, then i found more frineds. and it was one of the best times of my life.....untill cps came to my grandmas house and they said it wasnt safe at my grandmas house. so they took my family(mom, older sister, me, little brother, little sister) to a hotel for a week. then they put us in a.....shelter. it was horible at first but then, for some weriod reason i felt like that place was my home becuase i meet new people and it was kinda nice. it was a family shelter so only familys could go in there. and then thats when i started to hit rock bottom. and then my sister started to cut was a real bad time for us. and then we moved back to our home town. we now are curently living with my aunt as im typeing right now. lucky its not my grandma lol. but we sometimes get treated bad here but its better than my sister hasnt cut her self since we were at the shelter but she did have to go to a hospital because she was very depressed. she is much better now. i love everyone so much. but now this is where i start to feel like my sister. i cry every night. im gaining weight. i feel and i know im depressed. i do sometimes get the need of cutting my self but i dont because i know its bad for me. as you can see my life hasnt always been so lucky but we stick together through thick and thin and a few laughs here and there. i just hope my life gets better for me and my family. im going to graduate 8th grade in 6 months. the reason i wrote this is because i have been through so much in life and im still living. though im living with theses scares in my heart, it gives me modivation to keep moving on in life and never stop :)

  • Laurie

    I'm 36 next month Canada day will by my 17th year aninversary with my common-law husband the devil. I am so trapped. We have 3 children 4 years ago after much fighting and arguing with the devil to stop the cops did a raid on our house accusing my husband of trafficing because he smokes a lot of pot my 3 little children bore witness i had to keep them away for several hours while the cops trashed and destroyed our home then when we got in i had to fix them dinner, repair the house and put them to bed while their dad was taken to the cop shop that night i also started my first night graveyard shifts at a new job. The next morning i sent my two girls to school trying to keep things normal where the cps abruptly kidnapped them from school on the basis that a cop had called them and said their dad was arrested for trafficing apparently i dont exist. He was not however trafficing. My third child was in first year highschool and being rememberance day week he had different days off than the girls so cps did not get their hands on him. We fought the cops and won not once but twice. Cps would not deal with us in court untill they had a leg to stand on but as the cops failed to provide them with a leg they were fortunate enough to buy a judge off afterwards who permitted them custody anyways the judge seemed to be stuck on my devil husband not working while i was working. Lets be clear I work do not collect any services i do not drink or do anything i think thats disgusting being from a family of alcholics and my favorite brother is dead from drugs also a product of the cps doing a great job. There is the true generational dysfunction. The judge ruled generational dysfunction to allow the cps custody, I continued to cry and work FT graveyards to keep myself going my so called devil husband continued to smoke his pot and have fun as usuall while i worked and batteled insomnia he thanked me by not 6 months after my girls were taken by stealing my 7 gold and diamond rings two of them were left to me by my granny who passed away shortly after my brother the other 5 were trinkets he had bought for me over the 14 years we were together all bought for me with my money because he always had excuses why he couldnt work. He stole them and pawned them for a measly 100 bucks to pay off a drug debt the one ring alone from granny was worth about 5 thousand. 14 years with him and breaking my heart further by stealing my beloved grannys rings from me was only worth 100 bucks to him. Shortly after he claimed he got a job with a company and earned his class 1 which i have never seen or a paystub or a T4. His reasoning for stealing the rings was that i had mentioned that i would not leave him to spite the cps so in his mind that meant he could do anything and get away with it. Continuing battling the cps for my daughters back they did not allow us to see them for a year my one girl rebeled against them and snuck visits in with us but everytime she came to us the cops would show up right away and take her away so after a few months of that she realized she could go to any party or drug house and the cops would not bother her at all or look for her unless she was with us. Well now she is lost. My other daughter took a stand two christmas ago and climbed out her foster mothers window in the middle of a blizzard with no shoes on and hitchiked across town to see us cops picked her up next morning. she went wild and finally both girls won their case with the cps and cps actually handed the girls back to us renouncing responsibility but wanted us to go to court for custody. my older of the two girls had been on the streets for pretty much 3 years by that time so even the simple rules of just go to school and be home on time or let me know so i dont worry was just to much for her and she took off. My other daughter made it okay at home from last oct untill just last month finally the lure of running the streets became to strong for her and same rules just go to school i never had to set a curfew as she was always home at a reasonable time. My devil husband durring this time however had started working for a change in fact he is making over 4 thousand dollars a month as he was showing me the money when he got it but i was still working Ft graveyards then so i never got to touch a penny at about the same time my daughter climbed out the window durring a blizzard, for which i have never seen a pay stub or T4 for the past two years he pays our rent but waits for hydro to be a disconnect before paying it we have had no gas for over 2 months at my older daughters request i quit the graveyards so that i could be awake and alert for her durring the day but she waited for me to quit then took off now i work where i have been struggling to feed the other two teens on 2-3 hundred bucks a month since last november he wont help me with anything else now that he has stolen pawned sold or destroyed everything i have ever owned that had value he only comes home 1 day a week and yells at my son i dont know why maybe cause it makes him feel like a man or part of the family he cant be bothered to be part of my son is the apple of my eye untouched by cps he doesnt smoke or drink or do drugs like my girls do and he goes to school no problem my biggest hassel with him is getting him to go out with friends he doesnt want to cause he doesnt want to party like every one else does. My devil husband refuses to do his taxes we are both 4 years behind now i think it is because it will uncover a lot of lies over the past few years more realistacly so i cant get any returns or childtax or my gst/hst which may give me enough to escape. Welfare wont do anything to help me because of my lack of info on his money and he pays the rent so why complain. Ill tell u why! My heart is broken my girls are both running the streets doing drugs my so called husband is the least trustworthy person i know ( he has cleaned my account out millions of times always with the excuse of o its a bank error i got a visa once from my student loan he cleaned that out too and much more its the rings that hurts me the most of his theivery and his reasoning behind it) My student loan is about 30k my devil husband had a student loan to but of course his is paid right off. He ran my utilility bills through the roof so i cant move and hook them up in my name without some miracle of a fortune. My son is deeply affected by all this as i have always taught my children to stick together as parents die and friends go away but they will always have each other so my son seeing my girls they way they are behaving is breaking his heart seeing his mother stuggle in a mentally abusive relation is tearing him apart as he loves his mom and the so called dad shows up just once a week to yell at him or me or tag us both. Tonight was the very first time my son showed rage he got mad at me for yelling his name down the stairs to make it over his earphones as i had called him 3 times already and he ended up punching a hole in my bedroom wall after he came up the stairs with attitude and i said forget it then. As all i wanted to do was treat him to KFC for a change as with my finances there is no room for treats or extras but i made 20 bucks extra this check and forced a payraise not that it will help much. He feels bad and told me he just cant handle bottling up the rage anymore this is hurting me and my son so much i need to take my son and get away but i dont make enough i cant get any owed tax money to help me and social services wont help and i dont earn anything more than grocerie money from work hours will pick up right away but the job hurts my body so bad in particular my shoulders then i get to come home boil water for dishes and then boil and lug pots of water for a bath, and wounder if today will be the day hydro finally disconnects :'( I am expecting it since March 17 my dead brothers birthday the one day a year i expect peace to remember my loved one my landlord showed up to yell at me as the rent had not been paid. We are so trapped :'( and i am so looking forward to telling the devil i punched the wall to try to prevent further pain for my son that should be fun i think the devil should be home in the next day or two tick tock tick tock

  • Still here, still fighting

    Man, I have been reading the posts. I have to say i Quess it helps me to know some other people have survived with hard core, mind numbing, physically painful, lack of enery to the point beyond logic. Im a strong laborer in good physical condition, I used to be smart but now im a shell of once was. I have forced myself for nearly 20 DAM LONG YEARS to provide for my family I have tryed 50-100 meds. I have used Dexidrine and Adderall with Tramadol for the last 5 years combined with antidepressants that dont work. The stimulants have help me a times feel almost good but it has gotten to a point where all I do is fight to face the dayly war of life, work and get back home in phyical and emotion torment every night. Then I put my self down with xanax and Kolonopin. I dont enjoy much but I carry on because of my father in heaven and my wife and four boys. I thank God for my family, I thank him that he has got me this far. Please pray that I can get better so I can help others, be a good Dad, be a good Husband, be a man of god who helps and loves all the people he can. Eigther way Im still here Im still fighting.

  • Anonymous-59

    It seems like the moods are up and down. They come in cycles. It is hard to get up in the morning it seems like the anxiety for me starts in the morning before I wake up. Built up negative thoughts that make it hard to get up and face the world. It is very hard sometimes. Does anyone else have these issues in the morning ?

  • Anonymous-60

    I'm 32 and I have had depression for longer than I can remember. My ex has my two girls and moved 1400 miles away and hardly let's me talk to them. I have a fiancé but I recently lost my job I had for 7 yrs. I look for work but not much jobs around. Lots of times I think why do I have to have this weight on me dragging me down. I feel like a burden to my family and loved ones. I think every one would be better off with out me to screw up thier lives.

  • Anonymous-61

    i am just a kid but about to become a teenager i have bipolar depression and it drives me insane sometimes. i get a lot of mood swings and get ocd occasinaly if something is seriously out of wack. i have had suicidal thoughts but each time i get one i tell myself that my job is to help people to make the world a better place. i can be quiet and it helps people come to me and talk to me when they need to. my bff has learned how to keep me calm when i get into a bad mood swing. i toldanother friend how i was feeling and she told me i probably had depression since i also have hallucinations. i get a lot of flashbacks and a lot of day ja vu moments. i also have fake memories from my childhood the only difference is they are happy memories. i have had no trauma though. my sister is affected by my bpd and she has a lot of frustration.

  • Anonymous-62

    this poor little girl stuck in my mind as fresh as yesterday, I feel her fear, her sufering, her pain, her strugly to understand why it is she is so fearfull and sad and why people make her hurt so, why they are suck selfish awful things. so she is curesed to to walk this beautiful earth fulled with such barberic things. this poor little girl stuck in my mind as fresh as yesterday, is me after all these long years even though my outside has changed im stil that fearfull 5 yearold little girl inside that wishes to dissapear.

  • Imogen

    I'm thirteen years old I have been depressed since I was eight. It started because my mom had an affair with my dad's best friend, my parents would fight all the time and I hated it. now I know most parents fight a lot but was also being bullied it started in first grade. They were forth graders and they would call me ugly and stupid. At the time I would go crying home and tell my mom or the teachers they told me just to ignore them so I tried. Eventually they did something but by then it was to late the thoughts were stuck in my brain and I never forgot them. My friends stopped hanging out with me in third grade I mean they would talk to me but no one ever actually knew anything about me. So that was how my life was till fifth grade when girls started spreading rumors and all that so at the end of the school year my cousin/the person I looked up to with all my heart, moved to pampa Texas. I moved into her house and by that time my parents had gotten divorsed and I realized it was for the better. I went to a new school and got new friends but some how things just got worse. By that time I was just done with caring bad thoughts would instantly pop into my brain. I didn't realize I was depressed until I actually thought about committing suicide. TheN my parents got back together we moved into a house with my uncle and my brother took my room so I had to share one with my parents. Finally we moved into an apartment but them we couldnt pay enough money to have three dogs so we had to get rid of two so of coarse my brother wouldn't give up his so I had to give up my dog the last sense of my happiness. After that every thing seemed pointless so in October I tried to kill myself. When I woke up I cried for hours I had never felt worse it is the absolute worst pain anyone will ever fill. Because you finally think I'm going to be free from this horrible world but it just back fires in your face. I called my mom and I've been getting help since. Nothing seems to help I know it takes time and I really am trying my hardest to be happy but it just isn't helping. I'm on medication but all they ever do is up the dose I just want to be happy again but I just dont know if I can wait that long. ( sorry for taking your time but I just need help, or someone to talk to. dont judge it was the first thing that came tI my mind.)

  • About Depression Definition

    Depression is a complicated illness. Depression is a disease that can linger and progress for months and years without detection . It's known that some 15 million people in America will be impacted by some type of depression each year. 2/3 of these people, according to estimates, won't seek treatment. Often the sufferers don't even know they're sick. Every day stress is common in the modern world. It has become harder and harder to deal with the every day obstacles of life. Many families are surviving week to week. Trouble in the economy has made it more difficult than ever to keep a good job. Stress can give birth to depression.

  • Jessica M

    Life is hard. I get that. People go to work to slave away to make money to pay bills so that they can continue this endless cycle of work, sleep, eat, pay, work. I’m only seventeen, just had my birthday last week. I don’t have a job, I don’t pay rent, and I can already feel the pull of this endless cycle. I constantly fear of growing up and getting older. From what I’ve seen in my life, which isn’t even the worst some people have, all life is is the cycle. Sometimes we buy a movie, or go to an amusement park, or play videogames to fufill a little thrill in their life, and make themselves feel just a little better, but in the end, that is all it is: a thrill, a distraction from the cycle.

    As a child, as many others have done, I did not fear the cycle, the cycle was a game! And when you were bored, or angry at the little game you were playing, you could stop and do something else, but with 18 looming ahead, the age where I am defined as an adult, I fear the cycle. It is a monster that eats at me, sometimes calling out seductively, preaching of freedom and choice and love, but I see the monster behind the mask. I know the horror that lay beneath.

    What I have seen for months now as my depression, has been a coin flip. Some days I believe that I am invincible, I will beat this and I will be better others I am choking down a prescription, a little pill taunting me with lies of ‘everything will be alright’. Here is the thing: It will never be alright. No matter where I go or what I do, someone will be pulling around their little thunderstorms to rush over my head. Tornadoes will come and go, people will leave me and come to me only to leave, and the cycle will eat away at me until I can’t be in it anymore, a lonesome old woman with dead family around me, praying again and again for death, but too afraid to take matters into her own hands.

    The race will begin in a year, my adult life, and I have already tapped out, I’m already tired of running in the circular cycle, tired of slaving away to pay for thrills and pills to make my life seem better than it actually is.

    I will die, and I will be forgotten. Just like everyone else. Sorry for those who have to see that and don’t like it. Not everyone wants a basic truth without the bows and ribbons. Ignorance is bliss, but it is also blinding.

    For those who feel the same, i am sorry. clearly you know what i am going through, a seemingly pointless depression, considering not much is actually wrong in my life. i just fear the future... don't you?

  • Peace

    Please don't end your life. I know firsthand that depression is the worst thing you can have. My daughter feels the same way about her life. She has it also. Worse than I, her mother. Theres more to life than a cycle. Don't you want to travel and see really beautiful things in this word. The people with their clouds are just an act. Don't let youself be changed by other situations or people. You were created by an great one who created you in his image.

    Fight this. It's worth it. I have had depression for 40 years now and am still fighting it. It's doable. I was afraid of life, people and different situations. Little by little I have come to find out those things are not going to kill me. I have kind of grown. People I am sure love you dearly and it would be heart breaking for everyone. When you pass on, you stay in the same state of mind you are in now.

    I pray for you to gain strength because I care about you. Good luck in your journey.