Question:
I have been dating “Drew” for almost three years now. A year and a half ago I discovered that he was looking at internet porn almost every day…but it was almost all gay porn. Some was what I would consider child porn. All male. I confronted him and he admitted and swore he would never do it again. He even agreed to conseling, but only went a few times. I don’t trust him. Is this something that he can just turn off?
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Answer:
No. Getting someone off of porn is probably comperable to getting someone off junk food. Both junk food and porn satisfy hungers but have no nutritive content. We eat junk food becuase we crave the taste, not because we like the health effects that accompany it. Similarly, men use porn becuase they crave the visual and sexual stimulation it packs, even though they may understand rationally how empty it ends up being in the long run. It is unlikely that it will be easy for your boyfriend “Drew” to stop porn cold turkey without continuing to experience cravings. It can be done, and many men do it, but it isn’t all that easy for most men to do it.
There is the issue of the porn use being homosexual in orientation. This strongly suggests an added wrinkle: that your boyfriend has homosexual fantasies and/or tendancies and may be bisexual or homosexual in orientation. He may not have actually acted out these tendancies but if they are there, they won’t go away. They would be a part of his natural biologically fixed sexual orientation and no more subject to change than are your own desires.
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As for the child angle, it all depends on just how young we are talking about. So long as the boys in the images have reached sexual maturity, I wouldn’t worry about “Drew” being a pedophile, but if they are pre-pubescent in character then some serious red flags should go off.
So there are multiple issues here. How hurt are you that “Drew” has been using porn? Can you forgive him? How threatened are you by the porn use? Will you be comfortable trusting him as you move forward? If he slipped and used porn again (which is not unlikely) would that crush you? How comfortable are you with the idea that “Drew” may be bisexual?
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My suggestion to you is that the both of you get into couples counseling together and stay in it for several months of weekly sessions. If your relationship is to survive, you’ll have to find a way to trust him again, and him you. You’ll have to find a way to come to terms with the hidden appetites you’ve learned about, and you’ll have to see whether you can still love such a man without feeling ashamed or shaming him for having them. A counselor can help you talk openly about these charged issues in a safe manner. Good luck to you in sorting it all out.
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