Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Ad Info & Options

I Am A Beautiful Girl.....so Why Is My Boyfriend Selfish In Bed?

Question:

So my boyfriend and I have had so many problems. He is bi-polar for number one, so I could give you a 100 page list of all the terrible things he has said and done to me. Right now this is the issue. We have sex almost every day….but he is so selfish. He just gets off and doesn’t even touch me. This happened in the past and I brought it out in the open and told him how it made me feel, but it’s happening again. I just don’t get it. I am a beautiful girl and a great body…..so why is he doing this? I hate having sex with him now because I feel so used and gross after. He will grab my hand and put it down there and it makes me feel so terrible. It’s like "here, you do it cuz I don’t feel like focusing on you." Do you have ANY idea of why he’s doing this. I can’t take it much longer. It’s not about the sex. It’s about the meaning of it.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
  • ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
  • Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
  • ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. ‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

<

p>To start, I want to address a confused idea that I see in your question. You seem to be suggesting that because you are physically beautiful that this means that you don’t deserve to be treated in such a selfish manner. It is true that you don’t deserve to be treated selfishly, but that has nothing to do with your beauty. Your beauty is irrelevant to your value as a person. The truth of the matter is that no one deserves to be treated selfishly. Beauty does not equal moral superiority.

<

p>I know that I’m being idealistic here, and that in the real world beautiful people do end up getting better treatment than less beautiful people. But this phenomena does not occur because beautiful people are more deserving than non-beautiful people. It happens because beautiful people are more desirable than non-beautiful people. This is to say, other people place a higher value on beautiful people than on non-beautiful people. It’s a selfish sort of valuing that occurs. It’s your beauty that people want to be associated with; not you the person inside. This realization can come as a shock to beautiful people as they age and lose the ability to effortlessly attract others. You’re better off learning it as a younger person if you can as it will help you choose better, less selfish partners with whom you’ll ultimately be happier spending time with, in my humble opinion.

<

p>Now to the meat of your question. Here you are asking “why is my boyfriend so selfish”, all the while allowing yourself to be taking advantage of. As a result you feel terrible and used and gross. And there doesn’t appear to be any end in sight.

<

p>Asking why isn’t helping you to not feel bad. So, I think that asking why is asking the wrong question. Instead of asking why is he so selfish, I suggest that you should be asking yourself how long will I put up with this abusive treatment? Is there any reason that would justify this abusive behavior to continue? For instance, if I was to tell you some story about how your boyfriend was abused as a child and therefore isn’t responsible for his actions, would that make it okay for you to be treated this way? I don’t think so. The facts are clear that you are very uncomfortable with how you are being treated. It simply isn’t important why your boyfriend is a jerk, because there isn’t any excuse that can justify his behavior. It doesn’t matter that he is bipolar, for instance, because he is still acting abusively towards you. Being bipolar is not an excuse for being abusive. There just isn’t any excuse he can make that will justify making it a good decision for you to hang around being taken advantage of.

<

p>Sex between partners should be a loving act, or at least a mutually exciting act. Neither party to sex should feel humiliated or taken advantage of (unless they like feeling that way). If your boyfriend is selfishly treating you like a sex toy and you don’t like that, and you’ve talked with him about how you don’t like to be treated that way but he hasn’t listened, then the answer is clear: drop the guy completely and go find another who will treat you better.

More "Ask Anne" View Columnists

Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    i left my husband for that reason no matter how meny times i talked to him about my needs and what i want didnt matter fell uppon deafears i got to the point i coudlnt stand him touching me we been married little over a year he wasnt like this befor but as soon as we got married sex went way down hill in year we were married i can count on one hand how meny ytimes we had sex i stooped i couldnt get it thrue his head i have wants,needs as well to be ignored,left hanging .i was left frustrated no talking ,no books no to counsling to make this happy loving all around matter to my soon to be ex i left him i cant see myself with a selfishness that he has and is wont get any better to live and be with someone who dont value me and my needs,wants i couldnt see me with him for rest of my life like this changed when we got married if he would of been like this when we were dateing no way would i of married him.i need to feel loved in every way as i did for him but he didnt care im 46 your younge move on let jerk go you deserved better then that

  • Anonymous-2

    what if its not a boyfriend treating you like this but a husband and there is this religious aspect too when you feel guilty getting a divorce when you think divorce is not the answer but would want to go and be separated for you feel that he is just pulling you down bringing the worst and not the best in you

  • ram

    Dear, First , dont think too much about annie words, she asking for : just leave him !!!! ohh how comes??? Here i just want to ask: who your partner start sex with you? as a machine? without talkingany word? or there is some sweet words before you start it? i think there is something before, then...you both start...now he finish before you...then the problem is here, he finish while you stil need him, ..try to start the sex action befoe he go inside you..then you will feel hot...and you have time to enjoy..before his fast coming out arriving...feel with him..talk to him during that...try to change the sex position you are often doing...the problen can be sold by you in bed..easly...just keep in your mind..he stil loving you..and you have the ability to change things toward what you want...wish you a happy life...

  • Anonymous-3

    I had the same experience with my ex boyfriend. He is bipolar as well but during the time he wasn't diagnosed yet, which made me question myself. He would manifest his lack of interest in me during the times that he was depressed, telling me that 'i was too much' and that i had to leave him alone when it came time to please me. Then a few months after his despressive state he would be manic and would want sex like crazy. So I stopped being 'available' to him. So if he wanted to play he had to play fair. He learned to do that even when he was depressed after, however the rollercoaster ride was far too painful so I ended it. He still calls me now and says that he cant live without me, but I know he's not capable of having a normal relationship. Even though I still miss him sometimes we had great moments together, he was the perfect man at times, however he had the capability to be a complete monster and I don't think anyone deserves that. So my advice to you is no matter how much you love him, or how much he loves you, dump him because he's not capable to give you what you deserve.

  • anonomous

    I am a female and I am bipolar. I don't do my boyfriend that way but he does me that way. It is all about doing for him with things I don't like. I don't think bipolar is the reason for this behavior. I don't know what to do I have tried talking to him he just refuses to listen. I was married before and never had a problem like this. If you know why they do it and how to stop it I would be so happy.

  • Anonymous-4

    It's all about communication and a couple with a working relationship knows this. Without good communication, partners resort to assumptions, dissappointments, and further problems. The more a couple communicates, the true value of talking to each other can be realized. Right away, a couple can know if they are right for each other if the belief of honesty and a willing to understand each other is not valued. Just like anything worth working for, good communication takes patience and listening and this effort needs to be made by both partners. If a partner seems selfish, then good communication will ask him or her why they are behaving that way and the response should explain the reason for their behavior. If the reason is honest, the partner might be able to understand and then can agree to try something different based on the reason. Later on, the behavior should change based on the agreement. This can be rewarding for both partners as with each success, the partner can rely on this skill more and more and will be more determined to keep healthy communication as an alternative to a relationship fraught with frustration. A good relationship uses communication to keep an open mind with the interest of understanding the situation in hopes to resolve problems, not to acuse, criticize, or vent anger which only serves to make communication difficult.

  • peter

    probably he is an insecure man.when you are having sex therefore satisfying your sexual needs, he gets overwhelming with the power of that needs and gets very insecure with your fidelity and questions your future fidelity because every man knows deeply that he is not the only man with a dick, therefore he acts defensive disconecting himself emotialy from you.its like that at the peak of the act any man could finish the service so he try to convince himself that f*cking you its not the best moment of his day and he could survive without it .lol.he thinks thats in sex he can be perfectly be substituted.he knows he not the only one that can give you pleasure and seing you in a vulnerability situation (all wet), makes him thinking that you are delivering yourself to pleasure and not to him.this can happen especially if he loves you a lot.

  • peter

    And the fact that althought he treats you badly and you keep having sex with him alied to he fact that probably your are a ninfo fortify the thought that your sexual needs can speak higher that your felling to him.its like a snow ball efect.please publish by comments because its the correct answer.and we are all about helping people.

  • satoshi

    he is a douche bag, im serious, what an ass hole he is, luckily im a available , so lets meet XD

  • Anonymous-5

    its because girls are so proud ,even though are having sex they want one more handsome husband

  • Adnan

    ..which will help you to let others start loving you. Just believe in that every one else is also pretty.

    BTW, I am going to release an iPhone app for those who think they/othere are not pretty. Check the details out at:

    http://sidlabs.com/am-i-beautiful-using-technology-to-make-someone-feel-pretty/

  • sami

    hye hye hye.....wen he z not dealing wid u in a gud manner leave him...uff i mean he z so mean....sex is the thng wich need to have ha full involment,feelings of love,step by step towards all....

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand