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My Boyfriend Has NO Sex Drive

Question:

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for only 4 months. The first two months we had a good sexual relationship. We were often intimate but definitely less than what I would have preferred or was used to with a new relationship. My boyfriend expressed that in the past he has had issues with affection as well as having a low sex drive. He is open to discussing this and to getting help.

He believes that part of the reason he has these issues with sex is that he ties it to a time in his life when he was using drugs. Now he looks at sex as something dirty. He said he can have random sex with no problem. But sex with someone that he cares about gives him anxiety.

He told me that he will avoid situations where he thinks it may lead to the bedroom. He won’t kiss me and now, more recently, he won’t even go to sleep in the same room as me. He makes excuses but when I finally had a heart to heart with him he admitted that he was avoiding having sex with me.

His behavior makes me question if he really cares about me. Is he attracted to me? He tells me that I can’t look at it in the same way as he does because it has nothing to do with his attraction to me. Instead it has everything to do with his own issues with anxiety about sex.

I think he is an amazing man and I want to try to work through this. He said he is willing to seek therapy but my concern is will therapy really work? Will we ever be a “normal couple” or will this be a constant struggle. This is such an early stage in our relationship that I am contemplating leaving him. But I have not been with someone that I have cared this deeply for and so I don’t want to run if this is something that can be fixed. Please help!! Thank you!!

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Answer:

There is no way anyone can tell you if this will ever be a “normal relationship.” A lot depends on his ability to overcome his problems about women and sexual relations. Let me explain:

Your boyfriend is one of many men who cannot have anything but casual sex with women he does not care about. Somehow, in his mind, there is something wrong with having sex with a woman he loves. You are such a woman. Its counter intuitive because one would think he would want to have sex with you because he cares about you. In actuality its the opposite. Now that he care about you sex is forbidden in his mind. It may not make sense but it happens with more men that you may imagine. A variation of this theme is the man who can have sex with his wife until she gives birth to their first child. Suddenly, she becomes forbidden and he loses his sexual desire…for her.

In other words, your boyfriend needs a lot of psychotherapy over a long period of time, in my opinion.

I believe that you are right to question your future with this man when this problem is emerging so very soon in the relationship. Four months is a very short amount of time. It is no wonder that you are contemplating leaving him even though he is such an “amazing man.”

A successful marriage includes many things and one of them is satisfying sexual relationship between husband and wife. As a therapist who worked with many couples, both married and not married, whose central problems had to do with sexuality. In many cases the problem was that one had a greater sex drive than the other, whether the male or female. In other words, if they were not well matched for sexual drive disaster lurked.

Your boyfriend is quite correct when he assures you that the problem is his and has nothing to do with you. Of course, most people doubt their attractiveness when their partner shows little or no sexual interest.

It is important that you weigh very carefully whether you want to stay together. As I often tell people, if you are asking the question, as you are, you have really made your decision.

Best of Luck

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    Thank you so much for your post - you have just hit the nail on the head of exactly what I'm going through. I too met an 'amazing guy' - and everything has gone as you described. I really thought that by being supportive and loving towards him (he suffers from erectile dysfunction, has a low sex drive, AND is unhappy with his penis size) - things could change. I told him sex wasn't important, we could find other things to do. They improved, and I'd really fallen for him, 2 months ago we moved in together. Things have just fallen apart from there. He's distant and selfish in bed. I've tried talking to him and making him understand how hurt I feel when he shows no sexual interest in me for weeks on end. Again, he insisted it wasn't me, and that the issue is with him, he's had counselling in the past, but wont expand on why he didn't carry on. A few days ago I found he'd been looking at porn - normally not something I'd have an issue with - but it is an issue when I feel that he'd rather get gratification from this source rather than by working at the relationship. I got really upset, and he tried to reassure me. It almost worked. The last straw came the day after when I found that he's been emailing other women, yes I snooped, and I dont regret it. Under the circumstances I need to know where I stand. One of the emails was sent while I was in the bath, and he was in the next room, when we were supposedly trying to sort our relationship out. I feel devastated.

  • Anonymous-2

    i have a similar problem with my boyfriend he's loving towards me and caring but wont go any further than kissing most of the time, i know he loves me and he's definately not the type to watch porn or look at other girls, he actually never does. he just says to me he's got an issue with it and gets angry when i try n talk to him about it. we've been together for two n a half years and its been like this after the first four months of our relationship. i can live without sex and i would never break up with him over it but it is frustrating, i have low self confidence and this doesnt help. its wierd though because i find the only time he doesnt want sex is when he's stressed,which i can understand. in the holidays however when there's no college or work or when we go away on holiday he wants sex every night sometimes even twice a day so that jus leaves me even more confused, i find myself constantly trying to think what it is i did on those nights that turned him on but i realised i think its just a mixture of stress and tiredness, he's apparently always had this issue. the important thing is for me that he loves me and i love him, answer to one of the other comments if your boyfriend is emailing other women, depending on what it says in the email, he just sounds like he's a jackass and the fact that you are so hurt by this and he's not doing anything to reassure you about it or at least try and give it a go just makes him seem selfish.

    you can sit and try and work through your relationship and argue all you like but none of that counts unless you ask the real question..... do you still love each other? if the answer's no then you know what to do, if the answer's yes then you seriously need to talk all the issues over in your relationship and he needs to be open with you, if he's not willing to talk or be honest with you then end it. i know its hard but everyone deserves to be happy and he may just not be the right guy for you.

    be carefull not to corner him tho coz he wont talk, just explain you love him and want to be with him but you need to talk because your hurting.

  • Anonymous-3

    My husband is a wonderful man and he is fabulous with our 4 children....We have been married for almost a year now and have been together for about 2 (8 years on n off). He is 32 and I am 27. We used to have a GREAT sex life until he hurt his back about a year ago. Since his injury(which is almost completely healed) he has lost his sex drive. He said that he thinks it is because of his age... Not sure whether or not to beleive that but....I am 27 and I am in my peak for my sex drive. I want it all the time and I think about it even more. He is obsessed with a computer game and is on it from morning to night. i think that is what is hurting him. I am feeling totally alone and not desired at all. To make matters harder I am an attrractive woman and I get hit on alll the time!!! I am so afraid that one day I am going to have a weak moment just to have some good sex :( I can't tell you how much I love my husband but I am human and I have needs. Did you ever think about that??? i feel like a horrible person but I do think about it. i would never do anything to hurt him so I doubt I would ever cheat but i would love to get a "pass" sometimes... This is really getting to me and i am sad alot now. If I get any attention at all it is when he takes a break from the computer but the whole time I can tell he wants to be back on it. I still can"t stress enough that aside from the attention and no sex how wonderful he really can be. I have honestly never met a better father? Do you think I should overlook that and just get over my own sex drive and try to stop wanting his attention? I have said stuff to him in the past and I always let him know how much I love him and appreciate him...I DO NOT want to leave him. I never would but I want some advice on how to maybe fix it....

  • Stephanie

    What you described is exactly how I feel about my boyfriend. He's been layed off since June and has not had any luck in finding gainful employment since then. He is also addicted to a video game just like your husband and I feel like he spends more time playing his game and talking to his online friends than he does talking to me and showing me any attention. I'm always the one to initiate sex, and we barely have intercourse as it is. Very early on in our relationship (we've been dating for a year) he told me that sex just wasn't something he thought was very important. I can understand him not wanting to have sex all the time, but over the past couple of months it's gotten to the point where he doesn't like to kiss or really have any kind of intimacy between us. Also I should mention that whenever we do become inimate, I'm usually always the one gratifying him. I rarely recieve any kind of "reward" or reimbursment for the pleasure I give him. I'm lucky if I even get a quick peck on the cheek and then he's back to playing his video game. It's come to the point where I haven't tried to be intimate in anyway with him for a very long while and now he's complaining that I don't act affectionately towards him any more. Well duh! I try to tell him that initimacy and affection is a two-way street but he just sighs and the subject is changed. I love my boyfriend very much and I know his life is not easy in the slightest, but I wish he would at least try to understand that I need to feel desired every once in a while.

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