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Religious Wife Is Conflicted Over Husband's Desire For Anal Play

Question:

My husband is turned on by prostate massage. He has always wanted me to physically wear man parts (dildo and strap on) to please him. (unless I go into a immoral fit than we stop for awhile, until I am able to come to terms with it again. Circle of insanity..It always comes back to me as I am doing something wrong) Up and down our emotions go on this topic..Please bring some light to the subject. He pleases me as well. Although, I think my role playing with male body parts as a female, compromises who I am as a woman. I explained this to him and he doesn’t see this the same way. he is very open in his sexuality, he loves being nude in front of me and isn’t afraid to tell me what he wants. Automatically, I thought he might be gay, I spoke to him about this and of course he stated he was not, that he just enjoyed the feeling being that it was only from me his wife. Behavioural problem?

I on the other hand was raised to think sex was a bad thing in general. I hate my body, I am opposite of his sexual freedom but I force myself to please him because it makes him feel good. He doesn’t see anything "dirty" or "wrong" about his needs as long as it’s with me. I of course being raised very dysfunctional about human affection and healthy sex. Have a tendency to view what I am doing with him as morally wrong. Biblical discipline has a lot to do with it as well. The bible states that a woman should not present herself masculine nor a man present himself feminine. Isn’t this what we are doing?

Now when I think of this act in this manner, I am filled with guilt and then beginning the vicious cycle of guilt and shame. I love my husband, he’s quite loving and giving, he’s non-judgmental and is very accepting of who I am as a person whether it be uptight, free or confused, he is always there for me, helping me to get through my troubled feelings. Question is…how do I deal with my confusion on this topic. Record be, he doesn’t force me to do these acts, he asks me and he is open to other types of creative sexual pleasure amongst ourselves. 15 yrs of marriage

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Answer:

Let’s begin by clarifying what it is that your husband is desiring. You suggest that he wants you to wear a strap-on dildo and give him a "prostate massage". What you are suggesting, but do not come out and say is that your husband wishes you to have anal sex with him, where you are penetrating him with the strap-on dildo. It is of a piece with your discomfort with this aspect of your shared sexual life that you do not mention the actual activity, but it seems clear enough that this must be what you mean. The prostate can be massaged externally to some extent by rubbing the area between a man’s anus and the scrotum, but if this were all that you were suggesting, there would be no use for a dildo.

In my experience, a lot of people think that if a man admits to liking anal penetration during sex play that he must be gay. This is not the case in actuality, however. Actually, liking anal stimulation seems to have very little to do with sexual orientation. There are many men with a heterosexual orientation who like anal stimulation. Straight anal play is sometimes referred to as "Bend Over Boyfriend" when discussed in the media. However, due to the strong social association between anal play and homosexuality, heterosexual men who like this sort of thing don’t talk much about it, lest someone think they are gay. Though advances have been made in terms of public understanding and acceptance of homosexual orientation, we are still living in a time when homophobia is rampant, and it is the norm to face prejudice if you are gay or even seen as being "gay-like". Long story shortened, when you husband says that he is not gay, but just likes anal play, it is overwhelmingly likely that he is telling you the unvarnished truth. There is no behavioural problem present.

Knowing that your husband is not gay is probably cold comfort for you, as you are still faced with what is for you a very uncomfortable request. You do not like taking the "masculine" role during sexual activities. It seems immoral, possibly sinful, for you to do so, quite apart from whatever judgment you may have about your husband’s desire. You feel compromised. It speaks volumes about your deep connection to and affection for your husband that you are willing to participate in the activities he desires despite your reservations. I think that is a very positive thing that you love him so much.

You are hoping that I can help you to feel less confused about all of this, and I don’t know that I can do that. I can and have let you know that what your husband wants is normal enough, but I cannot address the religious aspect of your disgust. I think so long as you hold yourself accountable to living in literal accordance with biblical teachings it seems likely that you will not be able to embrace this aspect of your husband.

One way to address the problem is to start asking questions about how it is that you came to accept the religious beliefs you hold, and whether you actually agree with those beliefs, or simply hold them because you were raised to hold them (didn’t get a chance as a child to think any differently) and are now simply (uncritically) playing out a program someone else laid out for you as a child. Your willingness to ask questions or assert your own ability to make moral judgments (in opposition to church teachings) may be shaped by fears you have that if you do so, you may possibly anger God. If you were uninterested in pursuing that course of action, it would be very understandable and normal. Asking such questions isn’t for everyone and it doesn’t necessarily make your life better. In fact, while doing so might free you from some worries, it very likely would introduce new worries into your life.

The possibility has to be mentioned that even if you did separate yourself from church dogma and a literalist interpretation of scripture, you still might not ever feel comfortable participating in anal play with your husband. Anal play isn’t for everyone either. Some people really like it and some people just don’t.

Another possibility for helping yourself cope with this dilemma is to look into ways to help yourself accept the imperfectness of the situation better. For instance, you are faced with two difficult to reconcile imperatives. The one is to make your husband happy. The other is to lead a "moral" life as a "feminine" woman. Part of making your husband happy, however, involves activities that you find distressingly immoral and masculine. So, what if you just resigned yourself to understanding that there will be times when in order to do the right thing on one account, you have to do the wrong thing on the other account? It seems that you have already chosen that it is more important to please your husband than it is to be pure (This is not insignificant, as I have had communication from other women who have made the opposite decision in this sort of case and who have left their husbands rather than participate). Most religions have mechanisms built into them for ritually cleansing one’s self through prayer and penitence. Can such mechanisms be of comfort to you? While you will still experience discomfort going this route, the sharp edge may be taken off of it making it easier to bear.

I don’t see a perfect solution here, but I do think that there are several imperfect solutions you might choose to pursue which may be better than the painful dilemma you find yourself in at the present moment. Good luck in working this out.

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