Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Ad Info & Options

Religious Wife Is Conflicted Over Husband's Desire For Anal Play

Question:

My husband is turned on by prostate massage. He has always wanted me to physically wear man parts (dildo and strap on) to please him. (unless I go into a immoral fit than we stop for awhile, until I am able to come to terms with it again. Circle of insanity..It always comes back to me as I am doing something wrong) Up and down our emotions go on this topic..Please bring some light to the subject. He pleases me as well. Although, I think my role playing with male body parts as a female, compromises who I am as a woman. I explained this to him and he doesn’t see this the same way. he is very open in his sexuality, he loves being nude in front of me and isn’t afraid to tell me what he wants. Automatically, I thought he might be gay, I spoke to him about this and of course he stated he was not, that he just enjoyed the feeling being that it was only from me his wife. Behavioural problem?

I on the other hand was raised to think sex was a bad thing in general. I hate my body, I am opposite of his sexual freedom but I force myself to please him because it makes him feel good. He doesn’t see anything "dirty" or "wrong" about his needs as long as it’s with me. I of course being raised very dysfunctional about human affection and healthy sex. Have a tendency to view what I am doing with him as morally wrong. Biblical discipline has a lot to do with it as well. The bible states that a woman should not present herself masculine nor a man present himself feminine. Isn’t this what we are doing?

Now when I think of this act in this manner, I am filled with guilt and then beginning the vicious cycle of guilt and shame. I love my husband, he’s quite loving and giving, he’s non-judgmental and is very accepting of who I am as a person whether it be uptight, free or confused, he is always there for me, helping me to get through my troubled feelings. Question is…how do I deal with my confusion on this topic. Record be, he doesn’t force me to do these acts, he asks me and he is open to other types of creative sexual pleasure amongst ourselves. 15 yrs of marriage

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Dombeck responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Dombeck intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Dombeck to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Dombeck, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Dombeck and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

Let’s begin by clarifying what it is that your husband is desiring. You suggest that he wants you to wear a strap-on dildo and give him a "prostate massage". What you are suggesting, but do not come out and say is that your husband wishes you to have anal sex with him, where you are penetrating him with the strap-on dildo. It is of a piece with your discomfort with this aspect of your shared sexual life that you do not mention the actual activity, but it seems clear enough that this must be what you mean. The prostate can be massaged externally to some extent by rubbing the area between a man’s anus and the scrotum, but if this were all that you were suggesting, there would be no use for a dildo.

In my experience, a lot of people think that if a man admits to liking anal penetration during sex play that he must be gay. This is not the case in actuality, however. Actually, liking anal stimulation seems to have very little to do with sexual orientation. There are many men with a heterosexual orientation who like anal stimulation. Straight anal play is sometimes referred to as "Bend Over Boyfriend" when discussed in the media. However, due to the strong social association between anal play and homosexuality, heterosexual men who like this sort of thing don’t talk much about it, lest someone think they are gay. Though advances have been made in terms of public understanding and acceptance of homosexual orientation, we are still living in a time when homophobia is rampant, and it is the norm to face prejudice if you are gay or even seen as being "gay-like". Long story shortened, when you husband says that he is not gay, but just likes anal play, it is overwhelmingly likely that he is telling you the unvarnished truth. There is no behavioural problem present.

Knowing that your husband is not gay is probably cold comfort for you, as you are still faced with what is for you a very uncomfortable request. You do not like taking the "masculine" role during sexual activities. It seems immoral, possibly sinful, for you to do so, quite apart from whatever judgment you may have about your husband’s desire. You feel compromised. It speaks volumes about your deep connection to and affection for your husband that you are willing to participate in the activities he desires despite your reservations. I think that is a very positive thing that you love him so much.

You are hoping that I can help you to feel less confused about all of this, and I don’t know that I can do that. I can and have let you know that what your husband wants is normal enough, but I cannot address the religious aspect of your disgust. I think so long as you hold yourself accountable to living in literal accordance with biblical teachings it seems likely that you will not be able to embrace this aspect of your husband.

One way to address the problem is to start asking questions about how it is that you came to accept the religious beliefs you hold, and whether you actually agree with those beliefs, or simply hold them because you were raised to hold them (didn’t get a chance as a child to think any differently) and are now simply (uncritically) playing out a program someone else laid out for you as a child. Your willingness to ask questions or assert your own ability to make moral judgments (in opposition to church teachings) may be shaped by fears you have that if you do so, you may possibly anger God. If you were uninterested in pursuing that course of action, it would be very understandable and normal. Asking such questions isn’t for everyone and it doesn’t necessarily make your life better. In fact, while doing so might free you from some worries, it very likely would introduce new worries into your life.

The possibility has to be mentioned that even if you did separate yourself from church dogma and a literalist interpretation of scripture, you still might not ever feel comfortable participating in anal play with your husband. Anal play isn’t for everyone either. Some people really like it and some people just don’t.

Another possibility for helping yourself cope with this dilemma is to look into ways to help yourself accept the imperfectness of the situation better. For instance, you are faced with two difficult to reconcile imperatives. The one is to make your husband happy. The other is to lead a "moral" life as a "feminine" woman. Part of making your husband happy, however, involves activities that you find distressingly immoral and masculine. So, what if you just resigned yourself to understanding that there will be times when in order to do the right thing on one account, you have to do the wrong thing on the other account? It seems that you have already chosen that it is more important to please your husband than it is to be pure (This is not insignificant, as I have had communication from other women who have made the opposite decision in this sort of case and who have left their husbands rather than participate). Most religions have mechanisms built into them for ritually cleansing one’s self through prayer and penitence. Can such mechanisms be of comfort to you? While you will still experience discomfort going this route, the sharp edge may be taken off of it making it easier to bear.

I don’t see a perfect solution here, but I do think that there are several imperfect solutions you might choose to pursue which may be better than the painful dilemma you find yourself in at the present moment. Good luck in working this out.

More "Ask Dr. Dombeck" View Columnists

Comments
  • Brianna Larson

    First of all the point is not why you dont like to do this to your husband,be it religous views,moral views,personal views,or just plainly your choice ect..The point is if you dont want to do it then dont do it,and tell him straight to his face that you dont like it and you will not do it and tell him dont ask you do it ever again...Then no matter how much he complains,moans,whines,or throws a fit stand your ground and say no...Love is not about being forced to do things that you find to be sexually uncomfortable for you,and when he whines and moans and argues with you until you give in that right there is being manipulative,controling and forced....and it has nothing to do with love,he is making you a play thing for his own sexual gratification and does not care about your feelings and does not respect you a person with free will..

    Forcing someone by means of guilt, manipulation, pressure ect to commit a sex act when they dont want to is basically rape...you should not feel guilty about saying no because your body belongs to you and you alone decide what to do with it,when and how..period

    If your husband loves having anal sex preformed on him then there are other means by which he can satisfy his desires all by himself such as buying his own sex toys.

    You are a person!!! not a sexual toy to be forced into action for his sole enjoyment..

    tell him plain and simple ""Dear if you can not accept the fact that I do not want to do this anymore at all ever again nor do I want to be made to feel guilty and forced into doing it,then we need to sit down and discuss exactly how much farther our marriage is going to go.."""

    You are equal to your husband in every way shape and form and your feelings and needs matter just as much as his do..dont go on being forced to be someones sexual toy...thats not love at all...

  • curious reader

    i must agree that the bible has guidelines for us to follow and they are their for a reason obviously for our own benefit its not to hurt or withhold anything from us so please take a minute to think about this subject a little more as the bible has been around for a long time and so has god and knows more than even the smartest person. Why on earth would he give us guidelines if they are of no use. ok some people dont like guidelines so they make up their own rules this is what is wrong with our whole world these days no body wants any rules not even the law can be respected. then dont do it if you beleive it to be gods law maybe it will confuse your status as women or maybe it can gradually cause disrespect in the relationship or maybe there is a more profound reason for him not wanting you to play the part of man considering he has made you a women and not a man it kind of feels unnatural to play the part anyway...i think we were built to complement each other proof is in the pudding...

  • SAM

    ITS REALLY QUIET SIMPLE IN A NUTSHELL YOUR A WOMEN AND WANT TO PLAY THE ROLE OF A WOMEN JUST AS A MAN WHO DOESNT WANT TO DO FEMININE THINGS WANTS TO ACT AS A MAN SO REALLY YOU ARE GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN AND THAT DOESNT FEEL RIGHT AND MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE OF COURSE !! ITS EITHER BLACK OR WHITE .. SO THERES ONLY ONE CORRECT ANSWER TO ANYTHING FOR INSTANCE ONE PLUS ONE IS TWO NOT THREE OR FOUR ..I DONT KNOW IF ANYONE GETS THAT....((:

  • Brad

    I think Brianna's comment is unnerving. That does nothing to help the reality of the situation : A relationship is more than just one person. You are basically telling her to put up a wall. I don't believe that's a good long term approach. Is this wall made of ignorance, inexperience, fears or what exactly? What is he to do then? Suffer? Who would want to do that to their significant other? How is that healthy? Please explain.

  • Anonymous-1

    In God's eyes, it would be of much higher importance to love & serve her husband, as Jesus loves & served us. Clearly, the real issue has to do with whatever those sexual & body issues she has from when she was growing up. I don't know what about this though because I am not educated in such.... I wish the Dr addressed this, because that would've been the part of the answer that I may have found helpful.

  • Anonymous

    I think it is important for both partners to attempt to figure out and do what turns the other one on. While I agree that the female partner doesn't HAVE to do anything, and she should not be FORCED to do anything, then again, I think it is important for her to see her man as a unique person who has unique needs. She should take interest in what he likes and what he wants and do those things simply because they are pleasing to him. Sex should be more about giving than taking on BOTH sides. I read all the time about what a man MUST do to satisfy a woman, and no one complains about the man raping a woman if he is practically forced to do those things to give her pleasure and satisfaction. It is oversimplifying and wrong-headed to call asking for what pleases you tantamount to being raped. Being begged for something is not raping you. Withholding something simply because you are afraid is not fair. It would be the same thing if the man begged his wife to cook him a particular type of food and the woman simply refused to cook that type of food just to spite him simply because he wanted it and no one else seemed to. Likewise, if the woman needs something to stimulate her, and the man withholds, he is hurting both of them for the loss. Nothing hurts a loving husband more than feeling like he can do nothing to please his wife, and this is particularly true of sexual things, and women very often complain about not knowing how to please their husbands because he's not vocal enough about it. If a man tells you what he wants (if he actually says it) then that's what he wants. Typically men don't try to beat around the bush about what they want. If they say it, that's it. What's so bad about a woman doing what her husband actually wants with him sexually and him returning the favor? Furthermore, I am of the opinion that if it is by mutual consent, it is not restricted between a married couple.

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand