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Smoking Fetish- Looking For Help

Question:

My husband has a smoking fetish…I am a smoker and am completely okay and enjoy smoking for my husband..We have a very active sex life..however I’m not sure if me smoking for him is enough. I have found out that he is getting off on fetish sites whenever I am not around . the getting off part doesn’t bother me but it does bother me that he needs to fullfill his fantasy with other women when I am right here. I have expressed my feelings to him on this issue but it hasn’t changed anything. I do not feel this will go away …any advice on how I can be okay with this? I don’t want to be angry at him but I don’t want to feel unwanted either.

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Answer:

Generally speaking I would say that if two adults are consenting and willing to engage in mutually interesting and exciting sexual practices within the privacy of their own home and without causing physical or mental harm to themselves or others they can engage in those sexual practices. Therefore, the first issue that concerns me and should concern you is that your husband wants you to smoke as a way of finding sexual excitement. As you must know cigarette smoking is known to cause cancer and is considered dangerous to one’s health. In addition, second hand smoke, inhaled by those around the individual who is smoking is equally dangerous to health. In other words, what your husband is asking you to do and what you are complying with is harmful to your health and to his, as well. You really need to think about that. I understand that you are "a smoker and are okay with it" but it is dangerous and I want to urge you to work on ending your smoking for your health and safety.

I am not sure why your husband’s "getting off" when he is viewing fetish sites on the web does not bother you. I assume that "getting off" refers to his engaging in masturbation. Why does he engage in this behavior when you are a present and willing partner in sexuality? Most people become angry when their partner engages in masturbatory activities instead of mutually satisfying sexual activity.

Of course, who can argue with your frustration with his leering at two dimensional women on the web when you are there, real, three dimensional and wanting to engage in sex with him?

How can you be OK with this situation? You do not want to be angry with him? There is no way for you to feel OK with his getting off, and doing so by looking at pornography on the internet when you are present. There is no way for you to not feeling very angry. There is no way for you to feel "unwanted" by him when he does these things instead of making love to and having sex with you, especially in light of the fact that you are a willing partner who wants to gratify her husband while also enjoying sex.

My advice is for the two of you to enter into marriage therapy in order that you can attempt to resolve this serious problem. In my opinion, if the two of you do not seek professional psychological help the future of your marriage could be endangered.

Best of Luck

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    hmmm, hate to tell you but the Doc here doesn't understand your husbands fetish enough to give you the advice you need. I have had the smoking fetish for over 20 years and undestand exactly what it is.

    If you like, email me at IraqCTR@yahoo.com and put SF in the subject line, I'll explain it.

  • karl

    Couldn't agree more with the last post. I too have a smoking fetish and it's not black and white like the doc makes out. I suspect, like me (and I suspect all smoke fetishists), your husband has complex issues and conflicts with his desires. It's not clear cut like many would believe. I sincerely suggest you look up some smoking fetish forums and read some peoples posts to get an idea of how this whole fetish thing works :) Or as above, please feel free to email me and I'll do my best to help explain - englandsdreamin@gmail.com

    Good luck :)

  • Anonymous-2

    To understand a smoking fetish you have to relate to it. What turns you on? To some people looks and curves on a person will turn them on. Others its different. Oral sex. I think that if your husband wants to look than let him look. Understand that its harmless to look. Try joining him. Try telling him stuff that you like to do and switch it up. Regardless the only real problem would be if he couldn't express himself because thats who he is. The only thing professional help will do is put him down. Theres a lot of people with a smoking fetish. There are a lot of different fetishes.

  • lewis

    i have a sexual fetish not smoking, however the advice given is completely wrong. when it comes to a fetish, the advice is very unclear because of sterotypical views that people would usually expect. theres nothing wrong with having a fetish, makes life more fun, could it possible that your partner may have a deeper part of his fetish which is watching others a bit like a cuckold. most people with a fetish have other 'extentions' of the clear cut fetish. like some one may like bondage, but also like being dominated and maybe a bit of pain too...i'd personally see if you can get more invloved in his 'getting off' activity, perhapes whilst he's watching you can be having some kind of sexual intercourse at the same time maybe?

    however only you know your situation and know how to approach properly

  • Allan N Schwartz

    Lewis and Others,

    You need to read the follow up posting on the issue of sexual fetishes. You can find it at the following URL:

    http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_index.php?idx=119&d=1&w=5&e=472

    As you will see, there are three main criteria that determine whether a fetish is alright or not. You can find those at the posting above. However, my problem with the smoking fetish is not the "fetish" aspect of it but the health concern that it encompasses. Smoking causes cancer and that is a proven fact. In my view, no one should smoke due to the obvious health factor.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Edward Paul Jones

    I am male, 37 years old and have always been attracted to women that smoke cigarettes. The smell of a freshly lit cigarette by an attractive woman mixed with her seductive perfume can be quite intoxicating to me. I'm totally normal outside of this particular quirk of mine. (At least I think so!) I believe that if you ask a doctor to answer a question like this, you'll get an opinion from a medical point of view...so I don't disagree with his answer regarding the health aspect of the smoking fetish...however, I can say that in my relationship (which has changed, incidentally, now that we have a child...we've both quit smoking), my wife would smoke for me, both before, and during intercourse. The visual appeal and sweet smell of her exhaled smoke from her lips to my face was certainly stimulating.

    Remember though...men are visual creatures and enjoy being stimulated visually. If that means that he views pornographic web sites, particularly ones that portray women smoking, that doesn't mean that he is "cheating on you" or doesn't think that you're good enough for him. I can say that I've spent a few hours here and there surfing smoking fetish web sites in the past, only to have my wife come home and we'd have really great, passionate, smoky sex upon her arrival! And, I daresay that part of that passion was sparked by the previous imagery dancing through my head.

    So, in my opinion, and I'm NOT a doctor, but a man who understands the smoking fetish, I would say that your relationship is not nearly in the jeopardy that the good doctor seems to indicate. In fact, I would think that counseling at this stage seems to be very bad advice...particularly if the counselor attempts to make your husband feel guilty about his smoking fetish somehow discouraging you from quitting if you don't want to by harping on the fact that it is so dangerous...well, he may just end up resenting you for exposing what may be something he trusted with you to remain private (his fetish) with you.

    Good luck!

    -Edward Paul Jones

  • MissNichole67

    my boyfriend has a smoking fetish also. It seemed alright in the beginning but lately its starting to bother me. Everytime we are in public and he sees a girl smoking he become fixated and will stare noticable. It isnt just a quick glance he deliberately stares at her. Also, he buys several different types of cigarettes even those that are for females. The other day i found a pack of virginia slims in his car..i thought it was very odd. When i questioned him about it he said he wanted to try the but i found an old pack of the same brand in a drawer before that. I told him that he already had some in his apartment and he said he forgot about them. Its getting to the point where im accusing him of having a girl in the car with him. Well this is mainly because he cheated on me (went on a date with another girl) a few months ago. Thats an entirely different issue. However, i am still very worried. I do not like to smoke and when i do i dont enhale. I am concerned that he will cheat on me if a girl who is smoking in public starts talking to him and flirting with him. I know this sounds nuts but he is that fixated on smoking when he sees another girl doing it. I dont understand this at all...And he also saves the cigarette butts in a jar for long periods of time before i find them. I dont know if its because i doesnt want anyone knowing that he smokes or if he likes to collect the butts.

  • roger

    I'm also a man who's had a smoking fetish for 40 years or so. I'd agree with the others that the doc has got it wrong this time. However if you do go into marriage therapy please find a kink friendly shrink. There's nothing clearcut about fetishes.

    Looking at websites doesn't sound too terrible but your husband being rude and disrespectful tho when he checks out other women in front of you. May I suggest that you speak forcefully about this and smoke while you're doing it! Tell him if he wants to explore the fetish that you'll join the adventure but not if he disrespects you and refuses to behave himself.

  • Anonymous-3

    One thing that I noticed is that none of the men who posted about their smoking fetishes acknowledged the harmful effects of smoking. Their attitudes were defensive and they wanted others to understand and accept their fetishes.

    If both people want to smoke, they can do chemo together though it's more likely that one will be left alone a lot sooner than they would otherwise have been.

    The problem comes with one person is not a willing partner but does so to keep the marriage together for the time. This is because men with smoking fetishes are usually great with everything else. It's also has to do with control. You know that you are driving him so wild that he will do anything for you and he won't leave. This usually happens when men aren't honest about their fetish from the start. Sometimes they even say they want to stop smoking or can do without the fetish.

    I've yet to find a therapist or doctor who has even heard of a smoking fetish, much less who knows what to do to help people deal with fetishes. I doubt it's genetic so it seems to be more of an obsession or compulsion that would take years of determination and commitment to change. Unfortunately, men with this fetish love it like a child and don't want to live without it.

    Do men with smoking fetishes come from dysfunctional homes? Do all of the women in their family smoke? Do they tend to be worriers or obsessive? Are all fetishes connected to the same compulsive behaviour?

    My friends think that it's crazy and I should just leave. As far as the porn, I don't know a man who doesn't look at some type of porn whether or not their wives know. It only bothers me when I'm upstairs taking care of myself and he's downstairs masturbating in front of the computer.

  • Frederic

    Hello, Fisrt, sorry for my poor english, because I'm belgian, so I will try to explain what I feel.I'm 32. I'm smoking fetisher too, since 8 or 9 years (not since I'M 8 or 9 years o) ).My girlfriend doesn't smoke usually, and she realises my fetish only 10-15 times a year. I think it's not enough of course...Yes, I look some videos and pictures on the web, but I'm sure if she would realise my fetish every day, I won't take a look at this videos and pictures.In fact, to see my girlfirend is more exciting for me that looking other girls, even in real life ! So, I don't understand why your husband look other girls if you realise for him what he likes, USUALLY, and I don't agree the doctor when he says that your husband should go to a therapy (even if sometimes I would like that fetish disapear, because I'm unhappy that my girlfriend doesn't make it a lot for me)

  • Perplexed Fetishist

    I am surprised at the tone of the response to the original poster. It has always been my impression that a social worker would maintain a non-judgmental, and neutral posture when addressing a person's issues. But your response was highly judgmental, biased, and built around your model of what you consider to be acceptable behavior. It is true that smoking is unhealthy. And it may be unusual that this woman was not bothered by her man masturbating to "porn". But I don't think she wrote to you asking if she should be *not okay* with the things she was okay with. I think she wanted advice about how to address certain issues that she had concerns about. The internet is, unfortunately, a place that a lot of people come for advice. And just because someone is licensed or has a PhD does not necessarily mean they are unbiased, or just in their evaluation of others' circumstances. A bit of a disappointment.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hello, Perplexed,

    While you have a right to your opinion, I think you are the one doing the judging. Perhaps you should re read both the original E. Mail and the response.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-4

    I am a male 45 years old with a smoking fetish. It is important to understand that we ALL die from something. My feeling is that we die enjoying life! I do not want to be 85 or older and in an old folks home having doctors and nurses rip me off financially as well as my dignity. People are to damn worried about death. If you haven't noticed, people who do not smoke die from cancer just as much as people who smoke. Statistics are crap, believe me, I am a physicist. If you have the cancer gene, YOU WILL DIE FROM CANCER most probably. Unless the pharmaceutical companies release the anticancer drugs that they definitely have now. (FACT) The reason these drugs have not been published is because the drug companies, doctors, hospitals and others are making loads of money. They are greedy and do not want to give up that multibillion dollar industry of cancer treatment. Do not believe doctors all the time, they are still learning and experimenting themselves, this is a fact, because there is no one that knows everything.

    As far as the fetish, if it makes life enjoyable, do it. Do not hide it as I did for so many years. Now, I tell the women I have dated that I have a smoking fetish. I only date women that enjoy smoking, by the way. Many find they enjoy it too. I have finally met a woman that is smart, sexy, and truly loving. Of course she smokes and loves to excite me. She has never been with a man that has a smoking fetish, she now has found that she has one. We have lots of fun with that. We both know that smoking is not good for our health and may reduce our lifespan by a few years, but the most enjoyable part of our lives is now, not when we are 80. When we turn 80, since neither of us has cancer in our families, smoking relatives or not, we both know that our quality of life goes down. So my advice is find someone who shares or will share your fetish with you. Someone who will satisfy you as you do her. I have never been happier than being honest and open in a relationship. Accept your mate for who they are and enjoy life. Life is so short, why waste it on listening to doctors that do not have any experience or knowledge in a multitude of areas, including life. Many medical doctors seem to think they know all, fact is they really do not know that much. Ask them how they did in math and physics, the answer might surprise you, most barely make it through. Not so smart I guess.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hello Dear Physicist,

    Only someone who has not had the experience of seeing people with head and neck tumors post surgery can be as dismissive of dieing of cancer from cigarette smoking. First, it is not only lung cancer that is caused by smoking but breast, throat, larnyx, tongue, and other types of cancer that are Directly caused by cigarette smoking. This is no longer a matter of statistics, as you state, but is a matter of fact, plain and simple. At least do not engage in denial about the threat that smoking poses.

    As to fetishes, there is no disagreement: if two people are adults, willing to participate, not breaking any laws, such as public exposure, they can do what they want within their homes.

    As someone who proclaims to be a physicist, I find it puzzling that you can dismiss numbers.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • malingerer2008

    have been married to a non-smoker for almost 19 years. I used to smoke, but quite almost 2 years ago, but still do find this quite a sexual turn on. I did find Dr. Schwartz's reply a little bit on the fear mongering side, but do believe he intended it to help (he just looks at it from a perspective that is based on his interpretations.

    What he could or should have done is provide some pointers to the husband dealing with fetishes. There are so many times I wished I was just a breast fetisher.. or truly enjoyed watching overt hard core porn. Heck, it would make me feel less guilty than I feel with this fetish. I just haven't been able to find any resources to help with this. Most psychologists or therapists don't specialize in this. And those that I have talked with about this say that a fetish is completely normal, especially in long term relationships. You are in a relationship for years, if not decades, and, as they say, variety does provide the spice of life.

    But, as I mentioned above, I would love to 'get rid' of this fetish, though I have found NO source to assist me in this..

    Any ideas Doc? Maybe something more insightful or helpful in your next posting would help.

    Cheers :)

  • paul c

    unfortunately the doc is deluded about the "perils" of smoking, most people that get cancer from smoking are in their 80's and have been smoking heavilly for 40-60 years, most people who smoke heavily for decades do not get cancer, 6 percent of smokers get lung cancer and 2 percent of the non smoking population also get lung cancer, that is only a 4 percent difference! mobile phones and cars are much worse than cigarettes, why arent these things being attacked?? his info on passive smoking is also deluded, nobody has ever died from passive smoking, if you stood next to a car with its engine on for 20 mins this would equal a lifetime of heavy passive smoking and years of actual smoking, if a man smoked when he was young and then quit for decades and eventually dies at age 90 from heart disease due to old age and a fatty diet this death will go down in the statistics as a "smoking related death" what a joke! and he says statistics dont lie!!! yeah sure they dont!!! there are more toxins in a glass of tap water than in a cigarette, if you smoke from your teens untill your 40 or 50 your chances of cancer are virtually 0 %, unfortunately the doc is just regurgitating propaganda that the corrupt and highly profitable cancer council force down our naive and ignorant throats, we then believe this crap and start using it as justification to condemn people and take their personal freedoms away

    Editor's Note: The above is a fairly paranoid set of arguments which are, needless to say, mostly wrong.

  • malingerer2008

    I was really hoping Mr. Schwartz would at least reply to my posting about 'where' can 'we' get help in dealing with this or another type of fetish that we would actually prefer not to have? No replies I guess, just attacks, that's disappointing.. :(

  • Neil

    Allan Schwartz may be a good psychologist, but I don't think that he understands this situation at all.

    First of all, if the woman enjoys smoking, she doesn't need another full grown adult to tell her that it's bad for her. She knows this, and doesn't need a lecture.

    It takes a lot of courage to talk about things that are uncomfortable, but if you love him, and if you want to be happy, then you owe it to you both to bring it up to him. What is it that you don't like about your husband watching porn? Let him know what it is that you don't like, and if he loves you, he will try to work around the things that you don't like. If you love him, then ask him what he likes about it, and then ask him why he likes it. If it's purely to satisfy his unusual, yet natural sexual urges, and he doesn't actually want other women, then the porn is not a bad thing. If he's trying to get with other women, this is a problem, and only in that case is your marriage in trouble. I believe that the two of you can find middle ground, because obviously you love eachother =) Maybe it's as simple as talking about it!

  • Anonymous-5

    1. Paraphilias (such as SF) are rarely cured. Just indulge

    2. Every man and woman should be honest and admit to their partners that it is absolutely natural to be sexually attracted by other people as well. Monogamia is not essential

    3. Psychiatry is more able to describe than to cure

  • greg

    The late great comedian Bill Hicks used the following bit:

    I don't understand why you smoke? Bill:I need the tar.

    You need the tar? What for? Bill: To patch the holes in my soul.

    Smoking fetish is a compulsion. A long term fetish such as this can, theoretically, be controlled, but never "cured". I have a long-term smoking fetish and have come to realize that it is highly chemical. When I see an attractive woman smoking, I can feel waves of dopamine bathing my brain pan. Human beings are little biochem factories.

    The Dr's response was virtually worthless. Your husband feels very guilty about this behavior, both with you and with his keyboard. Either let it go, or tell him that his internet behavior hurts you and makes you less interested and more self-consciious about indulging him in real life. This might get him to control his impulses better, at least temporarily.

  • dave

    I have a smoking fetish,but i ve had heart disease since i was 17..im now 53...im too fritghened to tell anyone...but ive had a few MIs n bypass surgery twice....how do i stop b4 it kills me or ?..im goin crackers..only way i cum if i smoke a gar,,help!

    it started when i met my 1sy boyfrend who smoked when i was 27..i hated smokin n the smell b4 this.even i dont even touch an ashtray cos i hate look of it n smell..i feeel like two different people...one when having sex,,the other when im not..am i goin crackers?,,this is doin my head in

  • jesica

    I smoke and always have since i was 14 off and on. I met my boyfriend less than two years ago. i was unaware of his smoking fetish. I smoked nearly a packa day everyday unaware he absolutely loved it. we got more serious. soon we moved in together. i slowed down my smoking a little. he actually told me to. he told me he really liked smoking and that it actually turned him on. but he was concerned for my health. i didnt really understand at first until he asked me to smoke during sex.

    well then we got pregnant. i quit smoking. he started having no interest in me. at all. all thru my pregnancy he didnt hardly touch me but was watching videos online of other women smoking. no nudity no sex just fully clothed ladies smoking. it upset me and i let him know too. he stopped except when i was gone but he stopped doing it while i was home like in the shower or asleep. and he was honest with me about it too.

    i watched the videos he was watching. just wondering exactly what he liked. after the baby was born he was in the hospital for 3 weeks. i started smoking again. of course i dont smoke around the baby and i change my shirt and wash my hands after i smoke. just to clear that up. but i started smoking again. and he was all over me. but of course we had to wait i just had a baby. so in the meantime i got a video camera. easy. i made sexy videos of me smoking just copied the girls in the videos. i know what he likes he even requests things for me to do in the videos.

    so can i really get mad if my guy is feeling lazy one day and while im in the shower instead of having sex with me he masturbates in the bedroom to one of many videos ive made him now? no way its sexy that watching me smoke can turn him on like that.

    so what i can suggest to you girls who has a guy that likes that. is inhale deeply, enjoy it smile and exhale slowly and catch it on tape. for the first 3 weeks after my baby was born i was videotaping every cigarette i smoked. never know when the lighting is going to be good and the wind is going to blow everything around.

    so my advice is to make a youtube channel post some videos make them private to only your guy. that way as women we know how often they watch them. they can comment on them. and if you ever break up you can take em away so they cant watch em anymore.

    whew. ok. i hope this helps.

  • TJ

    Well, as one WITH a smoking fetish this one is pretty cut and dry to me.

    And no it doesn't involve a marriage counselor.

    Now, if he's addicted to porn and it's creeping too far in to your relationship then it needs to be addressed. But that doesn't sound like it's the case.

    Here's the deal. Your husand isn't getting off with other women. He's getting off on other women smoking or whatever else he's in to. But that doesn't ultimately matter.

    What matter is they're not real. They're just images on a screen. They mean nothing to him. There's zero emotional attachment. YOU are his emotional attachment.

    You say you don't mind him getting off? Do you MEAN that? Then let him. Join him. Encourage him. Let him be freaking HAPPY. And in return, YOU'LL be happy. That's how it works.

    You tell me he, or most any man, is not going to appreciate having a wife who loves him enough that she wants him to be happy? And that she actually enjoys encouraging his happiness?

    Believe me, unless you married a real lousy human being you're going to get that happiness coming right back at you. Guaranteed.

    The Dr missed this one. Seems like he was trying to nudge you along to a place of being hurt and angry. I'm not buying that. I think there's a better alternative.

    Good luck.

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