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Is Male Interest In Pornography Normal?

Question:

Is it normal for a man to be into pornography? My Fiance seems to really enjoy female nudity, and to be quite honest, I have been questioning if he is the marriage type for me. He hides his magazines from me thinking that I don’t know about them. All other things about the relationship are pretty normal. Am I over reacting?

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Answer:

I don’t know what you mean by the word ‘normal’ so I’ll offer several answers for several meanings. First, male interest in pornography is certainly very common. Pornography is a multi-billion dollar business involved in most all forms of visual media including magazines, movies and the internet. Many companies are involved both on the production and sales side. You just can’t have this sort of goliath industry without many many custommers willing to pony up cash for your product. Your boyfriend is certainly ‘normal’ in the sense that his interest is a common one (provided that he is into conventional pornography and not into violent or child forms, both of which are not normal). Maybe you mean to say “Is my finacee’s use of pornography acceptable?”. I have heard of a few women who do accept their husband’s use of porn, but for the most part, women don’t like or accept their spouse using it. It just offends many women that their spouses could be interested in intimacy with another woman. Moving forward into a marriage is a big step that carries with it a mutual pledge to grow together and to trust one another. Your fiancee’s use of pornography will work against this process both because it is secret, and because it offends you. I think it is in both your interests for you to have a talk with your fiancee. In a kind but firm way, let him know that you know about his use of pornography, and that you don’t approve. But explain to him why you don’t approve, talking about your feelings in the process. Try not to judge or blame him for his interest. See if you can’t come to an understanding with him that meets both of your needs. If you need him to give up his use of pornography prior to feeling it is okay to marry him, then state that, and give him a reasonable amount of time to adjust to this requirement. Depending on his attachment to the subject matter, it may take him a while to get over feeling ashamed or resentful, even though you are both probably best off if he gives up use all at once. Hopefully his giving up of pornography can be accepted gracefully. Know that there is no way for you to truely verify that he has given up his use of pornography; the internet makes it too easy to hide. You will have to feel safe trusting him. If you can’t do that, then you do have grounds to be wary of marriage.

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    Your advise seems rather controling. So he needs to give it up because the woman has a problem with it. Typical...perhaps she needs to get over the fact that he likes to look at porn from time to time. Why is it always the man that has to give something up? Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't try to control or partners and just accepted them as they are? I know shocking concept...

  • Anonymous-2

    Guys like porn. If you take issue with this maybe you should date women. The best thing about porn is that it allows men to fantasize about other women without physically acting it out.

    I suggest maybe you should adjut your issue and maybe consider watching or sharing porn with your husband to be. you may find that he becomes much more fun if you stop acting like such a prude. In fact I bet your sex life improves if you can both admit that desires are fun to indulge in.

  • Anonymous-3

    It is demeaning whether you are male or female. I am not a prude it is disgusting .People need to learn self control. marriage between two people that love each other is special and needs to be treated as such. That stuff is just garbage show your spouse some respect.

  • reality

    Reality here, just dropping by for a quick visit. The most reliable available data, from Media Metrics, indicates that more than 70% of men between 20 and 35 visit a porn site once per month.

    For Anne to so stridently insist that something >70% of the male population is doing is not normal suggests that either (a) she has no clue what is "normal," (b) has some serious personal issues that she's projecting on the question, or (c) both.

    Get a grip, Anne.

  • Kinna

    If a man is not prepared to give up a habit that is hurting his partner and his relationship, then he's not ready for marriage or committment. (..or maybe he is addicted and can't give it up?) It is not always 'only men' who has to "give something up". Women also give up things when they committ themselves...such as flrting with other men, being ('innocently')involved with some unknown person in a chatforum, posting nude pics of herself onto the internet for other men to fantasise about while masturbating...etc. Or would a man be happy with his partner doing these things as long as he is allowed to watch his 'innocent' porn...getting instant gratification while lusting over other women ..? Porn is harmfull and destroys marriages and relationships. It messes with kid's minds and objectifies women and sex. It is a very convenient and 'safe' way for men to be emotionally unfaithfull and disloyal to their partners. If it is so 'natural', and 'harmless', why hiding the habbit from your partner and other people? I think men who prefer porn to their partners are very, very insecure of themselves! Don't be selfish..inform your girlfriend of your habbit before getting serious with her...at least she would then have the oppurtunity to go out and find herself a real man who is matured enough to have a real and devoted relationship with a real women!

  • Kinna

    You don't have to be physically involved with other women to be disloyal or unfaithful to the woman in your live..by masturbating to porn(and immages of other women) you are already acting out and also creates secrecy and alienation within the relationship. I think men who are masturbating to porn are very immature and insecure of themselves and lack the confidence to have a devoted relationship with a woman. If some men are not ready to fully commit themselves, they should be honest with their partners before they get serious so that they at least have the opportunity to find themselves someone who is matured enough to be in a real relationship with a real woman.

  • Anonymous-4

    Porn is very common. Conversely, it is very common for women in particular to have convictions against it.

    First, I don't think you should compromise your values. I think you should examine why you are "anti-porn." Is it that you think it will lead to infidelity or is it some other reason? Do you think he generally sees women as sex objects? Are the connections you make with his viewing of porn accurate? What are your true values that are behind your discomfort of porn? Do you feel all porn is inappropriate or just certain types?

    See the positive side of this situation as an opportunity for you to learn more about the sexuality of your partner. Before you criticize or judge, seek to understand. If you are open-minded and non-judgemental, he is more likely to open up to you. Tell him you want to understand what the fuss is about and ask him what he likes about it. Let him talk. Listen and ask questions in a non-threatening tone. Instead of refuting what he says or arguing, ask questions. Ask him if porn ever makes him think about cheating if that is your insecurity.

    By being open and diplomatic before jumping to a conclusion about your relationship, You may find that your individual values are conflicting. If that's the case, at least you can make an informed decision about your relationship. Or you may come to a resolution that suits you both. Plus having an open dialogue like this can strengthen your relationship and sparks to your sex life.

  • Anonymous-5

    Never ask a woman advice on male sexuality!

    Never ask a woman advice on male sexuality. Unless you have external phallus that swells with blood and get erect and hard, and two heavy balls pumping 20+ times the testosterone a woman has, you have no idea about male sexuality.

    X + Y = Z

    Z is the amount of sex a man needs. X is the amount of sex his partner provides. Y is the difference he needs to make up via porn/masturbation.

    Men are attracted to youth (fertility) and beauty (good genetics). Women are attracted to power (ability to provide) and status (ability to fight up the societal ladder = good genetics).

    Men’s sexuality is mostly visually stimulated. When a man masturbated to porn, who is he actually having sex with. Well, obviously the only person required is he himself, alone. He is having sex with himself, regardless of any pornographic visual stimulation. To say that porn use shows “interested in intimacy with another woman” display a blatant misunderstanding of how male sexuality works and functions.

    Y above represents use of porn/masturbations. If a man masturbates in a relationship, he cannot be getting his sexual requirements met. That is to say, he wants more sex than his partner is willing to provide. The problem is the reluctant partner, not the normal sexually active man. If he were getting his sexual needs met, and satisfied, he would not masturbate, ever!

    Never ask a woman advice on male sexuality!

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