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My Girlfriend And I Have Been Having Intercourse For Over 2 1/2 Years And She Has Yet To Orgasm

Question:

Hello, My girlfriend and I (age 23 both of us), have been having intercourse for over 2 1/2 years now, and she has yet to orgasm. In all her life, she has not been able to orgasm at all, even though she has been with 2 partners previously. I have gotten her books dealing with female sexuality, and in particular female orgasm. I have tried spending hours stimulating her, but there is a point at which she stops responding, and then her mind starts to wander. She has tried masturbation but can never get very far as she finds it boring and gets distracted easily, which is why the books have yet to help her. She seems to be disconnected with her body during intercourse or something therein. She gets to a certain height of sexual arousal, and then falls back down without any release. After looking on this site, I found two sexual problems which look as though they would fit her problem. I know they might not be the extent of them, or that these problems could be more extensive, but I digress, these are the problems which closely match her symptoms: Female Sexual Arousal Disorder Female Orgasmic Disorder If you could please respond with any information, which would be greatly appreciated. If there might be a number I could have her call to better explain, or a place you would recommend us to go to (PA, Philadelphia), that would help immensely. Thank you.

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Answer:

Some women have more difficulty having an orgasm than others. There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with women who have more difficulty, as many different factors can play a role in causing this to occur, some of which have little to do with the women themselves. Partner skill at foreplay can be a decisive factor at times, as can simple experience (having had past orgasms makes it easier to have them again in the future, because you know more of what to do to cause them to occur. And of course, past negative experiences with sexuality (such as abuse, sexual or otherwise) can contribute to such problems. For these reasons, I’m hesitant to follow your lead in looking for a clinical label to put upon this issue.

You say that your girlfriend has never had an orgasm in her life despite strenuous foreplay efforts on your part, and despite masturbation efforts. Has she ever tried masturbating with a vibrator? Have the two of you ever tried incorporating a vibrator into your lovemaking? According to the unknown authors of the Wikipedia Vibrator article, "Vibrators often allow people to achieve orgasm rapidly and with relative ease as compared to other methods". The article goes on to discuss the various kinds that are available. Note that a vibrator (a device that vibrates which can be used for stimulation purposes) is different than a dildo, which is a penis-shaped device intended for penetration. There are vibrating dildos, but that is not what I’m talking about.

In some cases, people find it difficult to climax during lovemaking because they are thinking or worrying too much about what is happening. Thoughts and worries about anything happening in life can interfere with arousal. If a person has developed shameful feelings about their sexuality, perhaps secondary to sexual abuse, or to an orthodox or fundamentalist religious upbringing, that can lead to worries and concerns as well that will interfere with arousal. Essentially, any concern that interferes with a person letting their body go and relaxing into sexual arousal can interfere with arousal, and make the achievement of orgasm difficult. It helps a lot to approach the sexual process playfully and to remove performance concerns from the relationship bed as much as is possible. the more sex can become fun and relaxing and pleasurable without guilt intruding, the easier the achievement of orgasm will generally be.

It may be useful to talk with your girlfriend and ask her if anything troubling or distracting is on her mind during your lovemaking sessions. She may wish to talk to a therapist about such thoughts if they are particularly troubling, or she may simply be comforted by your concern and acceptance of whatever it is she is worried about.

You mention that you have spent "hours stimulating" your girlfriend to no avail. That made me think of a funny scene from the old Woody Allen movie Annie Hall, which you can view portions of on YouTube, apparently. View this clip starting at 6:35 minutes to see the famous "I’m starting to get some feeling back in my jaw" scene. Which is to say, you are not the first man in the world to have difficulty bringing your female partner to orgasm, and neither will you be the last. At age 23 there is probably room for you to improve your technical skills as a lover, but you shouldn’t feel too badly about your situation either. This can just be a difficult thing to coordinate.

I’ll close here by noting that you seem to be a sensitive and compassionate partner to this young woman. Only such a person would even bother asking this question. Good for you, and good for her. Good luck to both of you in getting over this speed bump.

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Comments
  • Linda Holliday

    There were a number of books writen during the early 70's and late 60's about female sexuality. The one that helped me to learn how to have an orgasm was a paperback written by Jane O. Could someone help me to remember the title.

    The book is instructive of developing a heighten sensory perception. Another book " The Joy of Sex" is helpful but not as much fun as the first

  • elpatchino

    i am very sorry to hear that your girlfriend can't have any orgams and i had have this problems with my wife but we finally found a solution for that .i really want to tell y that: when we were haveing sex she start to tell me about here self and what she thinks, she speak sometimes about here friends and here parents, sometimes she even speaks about politic, she completly forget what i do in here box and i did as strong as i can and finlly she started to have a big and good orgams. we think that we have to do that more and more.we figer out that this is our solution. finally we still do that until now and we are happy to find that i wish that well help u

  • HappyHubby

    In my limited experience it seems that women are different in what causes orgasms. I have found, unless your partner is incredibly turned on , the best way I make my wife orgasm is this.... I use KY personal lubricant, and with a full erection I rub her clitoras with my penis while lubricating with the KY . I also pull back and upward her skin(hood) to expose her clitoris(head) and gently rub(with KY). I try and vary what I am doing so she doesnt get soar and I sometimes mix it up and insert momentarily my finger while massaging rubbing. We are in tune to this and without fail she orgasms. I also have done this orally but she perefers me to be on top between her legs. After she orgasms I penetrate and please myself at her suggestion. Be careful to not rub too much without lubricant or she will be very sore.

  • Anonymous-1

    I'm frustrated that when asked about a woman not having an orgasm, the word clitoris was not used in the response. Yes vibrators are great, but so many people just don't know what to do with them. Women and men are contantly taught to believe that women should orgasm from a penis. Actually only 20-30% of women will orgasm with a penis in vagina alone. The clitoris is the orgasm source for most women and many women need 20 minutes or longer of direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. You might not feel anything at all at first, but if you keep working on it the feelings will come. Many women trying to learn to orgasm stop too soon thinking that they should feel something faster, but it takes much longer for the average woman to orgasm than it takes the average man. If you've bought books that will help, because they've surely shown where the clitoris is located. Many men AND WOMEN have no idea where that magic spot is and don't bother looking it up in a book. The penis is conveniently pictured in all sex education, but you'll never find a clitoris in public school. I'd keep working with the vibrator on the clitoris and also try directing a spray of water from a removable shower head or even a hot tub jet on the clitoris. Please tell her to not give up on it.

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