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My Wife's Past...

Question:

As a child, I was brought up very strict. I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I stuck to this rule. Being a male, I’m sure it’s hard to believe. I would never voice my opinion on this subject for concerns of being ridiculed. My problem is that 11 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and eventually married. She told me about her past (9 guys including a one night stand). While it always upset me, I tried to keep the hurt to myself. In the past month or so, I let loose and have begun to question; WHY? She gets very defensive and the answer is always that she had low self-esteem and didn’t want to be lonely. I feel this is just a bad excuse to try to get me to feel sorry for her and leave the subject alone. She swears she never enjoyed any sexual experience before me. But these aren’t the answers I’m looking for. I’m not even sure what I’m looking to gain by asking “why?”. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is putting a big strain on how I’m feeling about her and our marriage. I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better.

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Answer:

We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it. These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex. Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time. Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you. Hope that helps, – Anne

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Comments
  • Jeff

    Here are my recommendations:

    1- Never get counseling from a female friend/counselor regarding this issue. They just can't get into the system of how men's minds work. They give some advice like "past is past" or "now she has chosen you", which even increases the pain.

    2- Nine partners, especially one night stand is too much to get over even after years. I know it might seem like it's easy to say but I wouldn't get myself in such a pain to go counseling to sugarcoat my sufferage. After all, a man questions the whole idea behind commitment to such a woman, when those hurtful images of other men in her in various positions haunt him on & off. Please do not get offended, but let me tell you this: I would go through the break-up sufferage than chronic pain of finding some ways out neurotically to get over those hurting true images. I assume you tolerate this sufferage because you possibly cannot find a better woman with less baggage. Sorry ladies! don't hate me here now.

    3-We are all products of our pasts. You cannot separate someone from his/her past unless our brains are formatted and erased, just like a harddrive in a computer. Her flashbacks, even if the way she makes love, kisses and hugs are learned from her past relationships, let alone more extreme examples of calling her ex name by mistake during orgasm or in sleep, finding intimate pictures of her and exes in some forgotten dusty boxes in attic or bumping into her one-night stander guy in a party or bar. All these can flashback those haunting intimate images of her with other men, if you are sensitive and detailist.

    Excuse my openness: Find another woman with less baggage and live happily ever after. Let's not exaggerate here, one-night stands and 9 partners are way too much to handle. Period.

  • Manny

    You get a woman who feels safe and speaks to you honestly and open, risking the truth, vulnerable, and don't realize how golden that is, and morals change and things happen, but it is like you lost focus on the woman you fell in love with in the first place, and react in a way that the safe zone was not safe after all. Yes those past images may bother you, but I think that the fact your lady opens up like that to you and feels safe with you like that overshadows what you didn't care about when you fell in love with her. Be thankfull of the intimacy she shared with you, the trust she afforded you. too often, it is sad, that the more important a relationship becomes, the more difficult it is to be emotionally vulnerable (and more trusting & intimate). the more important a relationship is, the more each partner needs the other's approval, the more difficult it becomes to be honest - to disclose deep down aspects of yourself to your partner. trust and intimacy, all important in any relationship.

    M

  • Antonio

    Hi

    Let me give my advice, because my situation is similar.

    My education was strict also, but I try to keep an open mind about things. After my divorce in 2007, I’ve met again an old acquaintance of 20 years that worked with me. She was then like a nice girl and polite, the kind of girl any man would like to marry. Back then we almost started something but nothing really happened. She married soon after with a man that was no good (she says) and the marriage went down in a few months. Badly. She married again one or two years later with one of my best friends and co-worker. The marriage went for 14 years but in the last six it began to look like a nightmare. She divorced from him in 2007 but he was a jerk. He deserved it.

    So, we met again in 2008 and it started in a flash. We’ve been dating ever since. Everything was going ok when, one night, I asked her the sacramental question: “how many sexual partners have you had?” She said it was none of my business, accused me of being “judgmental” and felt depressed after. I always believed in being open and sincere in a relationship and had no trouble telling her about my past (which is much milder than hers, by the way, but that was my choice). Her answer triggered something in me that never stopped. Suspicion, that is.

    Anyway, in the next months she began telling me more things: that she was not faithful to both husbands, with one man in the first marriage and three in the next. But that was it. Believe me, I was relieved. Not jealous. I knew the circumstances, the context of the situations. I would probably have done the same thing.

    But then, I caught a lie. Then another. And since we have friends and acquaintances in common, gradually I’ve been discovering things about her past that are not very positive, to say the least. The counting of man in her life is going up, and the image I had of her is going down. At least four different people had not a good image of her. And I mean people that I trust.

    That happened when I was ready to buy wedding rings but I’m in a standby mode right now. Not knowing if she is trustable or not. I don’t care if she slept with 20 guys or more. What I cannot tolerate easily is lying. And, like you, I want to know “why”. I want to know who really that woman I was prepared to marry is.

    So, to give you a recommendation, I’d say that it’s not a good sign that she doesn’t open up with you. Either she fears your judgment (which can be understandable) or, worse than that, she has some ‘skeletons in the closet’: maybe more partners she didn’t tell you (people that you know?), relaxing moral standards, etc. One thing I can tell you: the more sex partners a married woman (or man) has had, the more probability there is that she is going to be unfaithful to you. It’s not a scientific rule, of course, but one that it’s generally accepted.

    Anyway, be careful and do not jump into conclusions right now. The key here is finding information. And only then take your conclusions. If she didn’t lie to you, I wouldn’t bother about that 9 guys. After all, from what I see and hear, that’s almost normal these days.

  • Anonymous-1

    i have been married to a very faithfull, religious wife for over 50 years and have never had the slightest reason to question a single thing. I know that when she was 17 and a senior in high school she had a boy friend and in discussing this she said it was nothing at all. He went into the service before she graduated and they have never seen or heard from from each other since. That was in 1954. Later she met a guy that she dated for a while, but in discussing that she said she saw very little of him and he did not even have a car. That is the extent of her past--never any sexual contack or anything even close to it. I was never bothered by anything like this untl a few months ago. She does not lie and I trust her completly. Now I ponder her kissing someone else and it bothers me. No one could have a more faithful wife and we get along fine. She has never brought up an old boy freind and if I do she says it is all in the past, long forgotten about. Outside of kissing, she has never been touched by another man..Why cant I get over this obsession..I know that very few, if any men can honestly say what I have and mean every word. I want to get over the visions and images that my imagination presents.

  • Ray

    I have been married for 26 years..2 great kids, bright. beautiful, college grad wife. When we were first together we had that "stupid" talk about our pasts and an she admitted to 3 sexual partners during college. It seemed that she was emotionally involved and one relationship lasted almost three years and an engagement. I was no innocent, but it truly hurt to know another man (college boys) had seen the same body that I truly loved and had probably enjoyed her in many of the same ways I did. She has been a great mother and I have never doubled her fidelity but the images of those men kissing and touching her in all the places that I treasure STILL hurts me. I do not intend hypocrasy but men (I am a mental health professional) are significantly more "visually" activated and oriented than woman are. We will fill in all the details...the positions, the orgasms, sounds, smells of sex and we know in our hearts that if "she" was (as my my wife was, even our first time together) so responsive with me she certainly ans sadly for me learned it somewhere!

    Ladies, a word of advice. If you have a past (virginity is still the most profound gift, next to a child that you can give your husband..most young men will STILL admit this), gently agree with him that talking about your past will just complicate your relationship. Admit to "limited" dating and leave it that. Young men...DO NOT INTERROGATE!!

    I did interrogate..I still suffer. I have stayed with my love because I consciously and as a Christian forgive her and she has been a model wife and lover..but I will always wish that we would have both been chaste when we met.

    Ultimately pre-marial sex benefits NO ONE. The only segment of the population that wins are the unmarried young males set out to quench their lust (I know, a milllion year-old story!) and our culture sadly no longer protects most of its young women with chaparones and college-dorm house mothers.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: Your comment suggests that you believe women need to be protected, but from what exactly? From the "predations" of young men? Or from their own desires, which (I'm sure you are aware) frequently include young men? Issues of family planning and health aside, why is this a bad thing? Because you are insecure about it they should not get to do what they want to do? Let me be clear that I'm assuming we're talking about consentual sex and not rape - everyone needs to be protected from rape.

  • Ray

    I would be happy to compare academic vitae with you as another licensed-doctoral provider (who was happy to provide in my posting my own experience and how I surmounted it with what I still believe to sound advise). However, I do not wish to engage in that sort of adolescent contest. You question my motivation and my suggestion that a "clean slate" is still not the optimal game plan for people from a pre-marital perspective. If you are honest and do not allow your own obviously more liberal social inclinations to interfere with your interpretations of my postings, you could recognize that perfection is not attainable in life (as I do) but striving for a life with less baggage is worthwhile..and sayiing "no" can be a valuable tool in that journey. Rationalizing young women's "desires" and dismissing the motivations of most young men (before their pre-frontal lobes are fully mylenated) is simply playing into the "consenting" adults "if it feels good do it" attitude widespread in the mental health profession and reflecting a lax standard of behavior that struck our society beginning in the late 60's. The sexual revolution (devised and promulgated by men) has produced more emotional casualties than recent wars (not to mention 40,000,000 Americans not allowed to develop in their mother's wombs since 1973). My comments to young women are founded in many years of clinical experience and the simple notions that "sexual baggage" benefits no one. It is still safe to assume that the vast majority of young men are not interested in the emotional commitment that most young women hope for. Having spoken to numerous adolescent girls in clinic and in academic settings, when asked if they would rather have more up-to-date contraceptive information or to be taught "how to say no to their boyfriends while not losing their love" I can assure you that the second topic garners much greater interest.

    A partner that has a "past" can be forgiven and a new life started, I will still contend that (and research in social psychology) bears out another component in my posting. That being that the majority of people would rather not ever know their partners past, in particular if other cultural variables exist (similar backgrounds, believes, family constellations, etc) that make the partner an otherwise good match. In addition, similar research points to the fact that (as "unfair" as the N.O.W. might proclaim it to be) that to this day a woman's sexual past is still important to men, even to men currently in their 20's. This is not neccessarily a religious or moral argument, but biological and anthropological research suggests that this is a trait that has been part of the species for 40,000+ years and so deeply ingrained that it still impacts our decisions and affective reactions when faced with the dissonance offered by our current cuilture.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: I don't disagree with you that it is desirable to have less emotional and sexual baggage, etc. when entering a committed relationship. Neither do I disagree with you that it is better to not share too much detail about the past with a partner in the present. There is certainly a role for parents to provide guidence to their children, and you are of course correct to point out that the brain is not fully developed until children grow to be in their twenties. But to me these are side issues. The way I see it, the main issue at stake is one of freedom to be one's self - to not have one's own desires suppressed so that other people's anxieties and insecurities can be reduced.

    Simply put, the way I initially read your comment, you were advocating for a position where it was acceptable to try to control another's sexual behavior for purpose of reducing your own anxiety, and I was advocating for that person's freedom to choose their own path. As I re-read your original post, I see that I mistook your strong advocacy of no pre-marital sex (for women at least) for a desire to control what women do, and I sought to provide a corrective note. I appologize for having made that leap inasmuch as in doing so you have been misrepresented. I don't think I've actually misrepresented your intent (at least) too much, however.

    I do find it a rather glaring and obvious double standard that you can accept and tolerate your own pre-marital sexual past with other women, but find it troubling that your wife took the same liberties. How come you are not wracked with guilt that you had sex with other women before you were married? How do you rationally justify this position (that it's tolerable for the gander to have premarital sex, but not for the goose)? You say that you have forgiven your wife, but it's clear that you have not. True forgiveness means that you are able to move on you are apparently quite painfully stuck. What you are calling forgiveness is actually resignation. I respect the pain you are in as very real and very painful- I in no way want to belittle it - but I also want to point out the incogruity of it.

  • Strongandsilent

    It is hard to deal with the past. I have the same issue. It was fine for the first 12 years of my marriage since she told me about her past when we first started dating. Then one day I find a box of old love letters depicting too much details of a sexual experience she had and that she wrote it was the best time she had! I might as well have stuck a knife in my heart and twisted it. I can't unlearn what I didn't want to know in the first place and now my marriage is in shambles. I am trying to cope for the sake of my 3 kids which don't deserve me leaving my wife. I am not at that point yet but I don't know if I will ever be sane again. It hurts bad and ever insecurity I have ever had has come out to attack me. I still tell her I love her and the couple of times I tried to diplomatically discuss my feelings she turns it around on me and says I must not love her if I am thinking about this. This hurts worse. I can't change anything. I can't leave my wife because I do love her and my kids. I can't cheat on her, but I think about it to even the score. I wouldn't do it unless I was super drunk or something but that doesn't happen to me anymore since I live a mundane working life. I wish I had as much experience as my wife since she was only my second sexual partner and my first I can't even remember because I was too drunk. It's too vague. Nothing long term like she had. God please have mercy on my soul and help us get over this for the sake of those who need us. I can't find joy in my life and I can't even look at my wife the same anymore. It's not fair to her but I keep it a secret which eats at me and I haven't slept or eaten well for many months now. My own insecurites are my demons now and I am even losing faith in my religion. If only I had been more self confident as a teenager maybe this would not even be an issue. I hope to see a counselor about this and maybe get on meds.

  • Bigrobotalligator

    Well, this sort of scenario might be a 'different strokes for different folks" sort of deal, but here is my outlook.

    My wife/girlfriends past isn't my business, period. Short of her being on the run for murder or something like that, or an extensive sexual history (and my concern would be disease and not the act), it's not for me to judge.

    People go through many stages of their lives and change dramatically along the way - particularly in their younger years.

    Generally I feel its better to keep most past info like that private or played down just in case. Again though, I feel past is past and when I meet someone and begin a relationship I build that based on who they are NOW not who they were 5, 10 years ago.

    If you truly feel her past conflicts with your beliefs (which you of course are welcome to) then this really may not be the girl for you. This doesn't mean she's a bad person necessarily, but let me put it this way:

    The Toyota Camry and the Honda Accord are both really good vehicles and both have some great aspects to them - as I am sure you and your partner do. However I can't take the alternator from the Camry and put it into the Accord. If I do catastrophe will ensue because the parts simply don't mix.

    Maybe this is the case for you, if you really cannot function with her with this knowledge then do both of you a favor and move on to someone better suited to you. If you do decide to stay I urge you to work at becoming comfortable with it, she is dating YOU now and not Bill, Ted or Jeff from years ago.

    Good luck

    BRA

  • Anonymous-2

    I really liked the last poster's answer and I wish it were that easy for me. Having 3 kids makes it hard to just break up my family and leave. I can't do that. I pretend to be completely happy but below my surface I am an emotional wreck. I love my kids, they are my blessings and the problem is that when I do manage to cope with the past something triggers it. Like a picture of a friend or relative that knew my wife before I met her. Nothing was worse than finding the old box of mementos but I have managed to block those images as much as possible. I don't know if I will ever be able to live a normal life at least without therapy or medication which I Have never taken in my entire life. It's so weird how just a while ago, all was well and now my psychological health is not good. I hope the original poster found a solution that was the best option for him. I myself am trapped between a rock and a hard place. No outcome is a good one for me. I guess I have to deal with this day by day and fight the triggers of the past.

  • Mary

    Who do you think these women sleep with, men. If men want pure wives then they should act honestly with the women in their lives. The women they have sex with in their wild years are now some one's wife or gf. Thank goodness the women who marry theses days have an average of almost 10 partners, i'm assuming they are men.

    I feel so sorry for the women who has been married fathfully to a man and given him 3 children and he has the nerve to judge her. She has supported him faithfully, raised good children, supported his social network of friends and family and all of that means nothing over having sex before marriage. Where would you be if this women were not in your life.

    Instead of judging her, get on your knees and thank God for the gift of a good wife. I am certain that in God's eyes she has been a good servant. How does your actions hold up in His eyes? Do you look at porn (most men do) do you pleasure yourself (bible says you should not waste your seed), do you look at other women besides your wife, thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife comes to min have you had impure thoughts about other women ( avoid temptation and think pure thoughts).

    Finally, very common words "Judgement is mine sayeth the Lord". I believe he said that because we are not able to dispassionately judge the weight of another's transgression against our own. Another comes to mind "remove the cinder from another's your brothers eye and ignore the beam in your own). You say you are a good Christian man, how does your attitude fit into your theology?

  • Justin

    In my life I have let being jeleaous ruin two relationships for me because of my ego. In one instantce I was in high school dating an older college chick, she told me she had been with 13 guys and I lost it. I couldn't deal with it, I was constantly worried she was seeing these guys back at school, replaying what I thought happend in my mind, etc. Just made everything lousy. I cheated on her everytime I could just so I could get my numbers up, and in some small way make her pay. Eventually, during my cheating I found another girl I really liked and broke up with this girl to be with her. Later in life I met a girl that I was crazy in love with, we had been dating for a few weeks, and the question had come up but I just said I don't want to know, and eventually it came out, but I was so mad in love with her I didn't care at first. As time went on I learned one of them was an older guy with a lot of money, etc. this drove me crazy. I constantly drilled her about how many times, why, this and that, then would say hateful things about it. That is when the relationship started to go down hill. I finally figured out that I am upset because of my own insecurities about my self, then I started thinking about my own past, and all the other experiences I had and in reality I view them as hardly meaningful, espicially one night stands, etc. They all meant hardly anything to me, yet I would spend all my time thinking about what my girlfriend etc did way back before she even knew me, driving me crazy. When I was 29 I finally met the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with and we got married. I hardly know anything about her past, and it is more her who gets upset about my past experiences, so the subject doesn't come up much. My advice to all men, is to not stop dwelling on the past, think about your own past experiences and see if they are even that meaningful to you. If there not why would you assume they are for your spouse. If someone in her past was really that great, they wouldn't be there now with you. If you are having insecurities it is probably because you are insecure about your own self be it weight, looks, size, etc. Fix yourself, then see if the problems are still there. I doubt they will be, and if she didn't see something amazing in you that nobody else has she would'nt have married you. I don't like the idea more than anyone that someone has seen my wife naked, etc, but I like the idea that nobody else will the rest of my life but me! THose guys can dwell on the past if they want, I am spending the future with her.

  • Anonymous-3

    Well, I have the same problem, but I am a woman who cant get over her husbands past. I started dating him at 16. We never had premarital sex because I was waiting for marriage. He on the other hand was 18 and had had a girl friend before me. They had been intimate with each other. I seemed to be able to handle it better when we were youger. We will celebrate our 20th wedding anniverary this month and I seem to think about it more often. It has been almost 25 years since he was with her and has never cheated on me. But like all these men have said, I cant get the idea out of my head that he knows another woman in the same way as me. Did those things with her that I would never do with anyone else but him! He says thats unfair because he didnt know me then. I even told him once he should have known I was coming and waited for me. I know I sound irraational. But I wonder: Does he compare me to her? How do I measure up? And I get so angry at him for not waiting for me! I waited for him! We abstained as teenagers. Why couldnt they? I feel robbed. I want to be his one and only! I want him to take it back and I know he cant. I'll see her around town and then tell him and then wonder if I made him think about her. I've even told him that if I ever die he can remarry but he can not reconnect with her. Maybe it would be better if there had been a lot of partners then I could tell myself that they ment nothing. But I just keep wondering if he still thinks about her. I know I'm very inscure. He asked me out after he found out she was two timing him and I always felt like I got him on the rebound. He tells me he's with me now and thats important but it doesnt make the feelings go away.

  • Anonymous-4

    I got married under very strange circumstances. It was arrange marriage and to some degree I knew that my wife now didn't want to get married for reasons.

    I am strict follower of being any close to a girl only after marriage. I never ever approached any nor anyone approached any.

    My marriage was arranged through family. I liked her and i asked her if she want to marry me. She said yes. After marriage she told me that she married me for her parents. Initially she treated me very bad. After she realized that I am a very good person she started loving me. It was kind of late as I started loosing interest in this marriage.

    Then I found some of her pictures kissing a guy and several love letters addressed to 2-3 different persons. Well I just didn't want this at this time when i was starting to loose interest in marriage. Now I am at a point after 5 years of marriage and one lovely kid that I do not want to see her. The picture flash in front of me every now and then.

    I know this is wrong as some of you have posted that past is past and you cannot be judgemental and all that.

    Its easy said then done. The feeling hurts you a lot. I am very bad in forgiving people and i know that i am not perfect. I am posting this to let go my emotions. And I found people in same situation. I personally think that this is worst then cheating. When someone cheats you just know that there is no love and you get out of it. This is so tough...

  • cheates by girl

    hey.......hello freinds i just want to tell you. all girls are f*cking b*stard and cheaters. my wife is a b*tch also. she f*cked with a lot of guys but i never f*ck any girl in my life, she is a first girl and b*tch in my life. i get shocked and my heart was cried.when she told me her f*cking story after marriage with me. in our region we cant leave the wife after marriage. i just want to say don't believe in the girls. you all go and f*ck the outside girl. u will feel happy. don't care of your wife.what she done and what she's doing. it will make you happy and cool. i will do the same thing. its make me happy and cool. i will f*ck all the girls who will come in my life. don't be sad we are a men.

    if all the girls are b*tch............then all the mens are dog. be happy my freinds. i can feel your pain. thanks

  • Anonymous-5

    Firstly, I can empathise with your anxiety.

    The many why's rolling through your mind.

    Why did she pick you?

    Why you with no experience?

    Why is she lying about not enjoying her previous partners?

    How could you be the best she ever had? you've no experience

    The common point in all of the above is YOU.

    The issue is not her the issue is you.

    Be it midlife crisis, wondering how different your life would be if you were with someone else, what ever the reason it is all adding to your sense of frustration.

    I am guessing that her defensiveness is purely because your track record is whiter than white. I think there probably is some embarsement as well.

    You need to sit down and talk to your wife, plan it well and take your time, avoid distractions, and interuptions.

    You need to talk about how you feel, you are not a fool and I would agree with you that her saying "she didn't want to be alone" is hurtful and makes you feel worse not better.

    I would suggest that you do the following.

    Ask your wife to list 10 things that she loves about you, things that make her want you in her life, things that she would miss if you were not together any more. Write them down. Now you do the same. Then sit down and use this as the basis for the conversation.

    Pass the list to each other and then talk. I hope that you will find that you have many qualities that she has found that are unique to you that no one else possess and that is why she picked you.

    I hope this helps.

  • David From Florida

    I have a loving wife and and she gave me and amazing beautiful child. We have been together for almost 7 years. We married when we were very young(18). Near the beginning of our relationship(after we already had sex and were very close) she disclosed to me the amount of sexual partners that she had. This number was around 9-10. She was only 17 years old before we were together and she had all of these partners... I have only had sex with her. I'm a lot better about not thinking about the past now then I was before, but from time to time VERY graphic images and thoughts enter my mind and I get deeply hurt, depressed, feel worthless, feel physical sickness to my stomache and bad aches in my chest. I kind of feel like I got the short end of the stick because I gave her the gift of being my first and I will never be able to experience her the way she did me... I understand that I should be forgiving of the past and that maybe I shouldn't be so bothered by this... But for some reason I am having a lot of issues with this. I love my wife so much and I know that her past is her past... I know that she loves me and she is an gentle kind loving mother and wife... The thing is if she had sex with so many people before me how can sex between us be so special.. How can sex between us mean much to her if she had these relations with so many people. Sometimes I look at objects and picutre them as people and count 10 out to myself... I try to do this to see if that number is a lot and everytime that I do It seems worse than before... I love my wife and I really want our relationship to work.. Someone please help me I feel like im going to die sometimes... I feel so worthless... Sometimes i just hate my life...

  • Been there, Done that

    When my wife and I first got together and our relationship started to turn into love I made the mistake of asking her how many guys she had been with. She told me she had been with 8 (counting me). I felt kinda sick for a while but after a few sleepless nights I thought, "what the heck, I love her and I want to marry her!" So, fast forward 13 years and here I am, her husband with two awsome children that we have together. She has never let it bother her that I had been with "well over" her number of parteners prior to our being together. Her outtake is that we both have had past. Well here comes the BUT in my story, I have been thinking about all of these guys before me and it hurts me in my hart. I have counted the years to guy ratio to try to deside if I should think of her as a slut or not, I know where one of her ex's use to live and when I drive buy the subdivision entrance on my way to work, I get this picture in my mind of her turning down that street for her little dates that end up with her sleeping with him. It sucks to feel like this !! What is a man to do to try to feel better? How do you get these thoughts out of your mind? Sometimes when I see her nude and I know I should be thinking about the beautiful wife I have, I can't help but think about the hands that have touched her before me. To make all of this worse, the guy she lost her flower to was as I understand, how do I put this, HUGE... Wow, lucky me, yet another hit to my heart and ego... From the time we are small boys it is drilled into our minds that the bigger the better. Well Yeppe !!! I don't know what or why we put all of this on our own shoulders. I have started to think about it this way, I am a good man. I am the one that has come across the finish line and won the grand prize. I know I can trust her and she has given her all to our marrage. I have spoken to her about the way I feel and she said she has made mistakes she wishes she could take back. She said she wishes I could have been her first and that she hates that it took so long to find me. The point I'm trying to make is, We are brought into this world the same way we are goint to leave it, it's the people that are standing next to the bed when we enter and when we exit this world that are going to mean the most in our lives. I still think about the other guys from time to time and it still bothers me, but I know where "my" heart is. For me when I get down on this I just try to think about the future and how letting this bother me is going to all be a waste of time in the end... I don't know about you but venting this has even helped me feel better.. Hope this helps you to not feel like you are on your own. Now, go home and tell your wife how much you love her!!!

  • Anonymous-6

    Well, after I wrote in on the 14th I spoke to my wife again about this. I knew I was walking on thin ice but we needed to get this out so I could move on. She was more that nice to set there and let me voice my hurt. I didn't yell or call her names and I think it went very well. She told me that what she had told me when we first got together was all the truth and I had nothing to worry for. She said "I" was the only person she ever wanted to spend her life with. A few of the guys she had only slept with once or twice, She never gave it up untill they had dated for awhile, and as for Mr. Huge, well she said that the girls in her school were the ones to say that and what dose a 16 year old girl whom had only seen one or two know about size anyway! Think about it, ask any girl or woman for that matter what 7in looks like and I bet they all miss the mark buy 2in. Oh yea, I knew he had been in trouble with the law and so to put a face to the name I looked him up and let me say I had nothing to worry about. I'm suprised my wife ever saw anything in him anyway... Two words - YOUNG AND STUPID ! I think it was more pressure to have sex so she would fit in with the friends she had that had already had sex. It still hurts me to thing that she had sex with others before me but she swares she dosen't remember any of it anyway. It ALL happened more than 17 years ago! WOW when I think about it like that it even seems more crazy tho worry about. Women are different, she dosen't care at all about my past and I had been with twice the people she had. She says," WE are together and that is all that matters to her!" Even though it can and will bother me if I let it and I'm not going to let it anymore. JUST THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS !!! haha I hope like hell all of my rambbling helps somone else feel better. Thanks for your time...

  • A Man

    LEAVE HER, simple as that. youre a man, now live life like a man without pain or suffering. If this woman causes you any pain, whether its abuse or lots of sexual partners, leave her. You dont need her to be happy. 9 IS way to much, for me its should be virgin-3 partners max, and they all had better been commited relatinships, no one night stand BS. There are plenty of good women out there, believe me, you would be surprised. I just wish you wouldve gone through this a lot sooner before you became so attached. My rule is, before you hit the 3month part of your relationship, find out about her sexual past, if she doesnt tell or gives you reason to doubt her honesty, leave her. As a man to a man, you deserve better, dont suffer because of women. Women should know this, enjoy sex sure, go out and have as many flings as you like, but when you approach that age of thinking "im getting old, i need to settle and have kids" Dont you dare expect your man to respect your sexual past or be okay with it, you made the choices, now you will deal with the consequences. A smart man, will never want a used woman, those women who are single and complain about how they cant find love after 30 + years of living, my hope is that they continue their path so they die old, ugly, and lonely. A good man, deserves a good woman. So my advice, or command should i say is, LEAVE HER AND FIND SOMEONE WORTHY.

  • Syed

    Hi , me and wife are together for more than 2 years , before we gt together I knew she had a boyfriend and just recently broke up with him , we start dating together and start liking me and start liking her to , she use to talk and text to her ex while on date but after we start dating a lot I asked to stop this as we are dating and she stopped. After 2 years in last few weeks she started acting weird like very very rude and horrible to me I asked her politely what is the problem , she said she feel guilty about her ex it was like she peirced a knife in my heart and on valentines night I took her out for diner bought her flowers ,card and a choclates and after getting home in the car she started again that she feel guilty about him as she was wiv him for two years and planned to have a family and she can't forget it, and have a guilt that she planed it but couldn't complete it or something like that . I just don't know where this relation ship stands as I feel insecure and just can't accept the fact that she regrets me an my daughter .please help

  • i made a mistake

    my story is similar to most of yours. My marriage was arranged even though I had the final say. I met a girl through a her family members and when I met them, everything was wonderful. I even met her Mom and Dad and her as well. After I said I like her, we started talkng. She was raised in US and I was not. I thought that she would be a virgin. One day when we were taking, she broke the news that she was not one. She has sex with 4 guys (once with each of them). She said she did a mistake. I was devasted and wanted to get out and I tried very hard but couldn't. She thought that I was scared that she would do it again but I was worried on how I would think about her past and live. I should have stuck with my guts but didn't. Got married, a very difficult decision for a person coming from different background. 10 yrs later, have 2 loving kids (my life) but still emptyness in my heart for my wife. Not a single day has been gone by without thinking "why" this happened. I partly blame their parents as well as they were suppose to raise their daughter properly. That is what they expect from the place I come from. I wanted to leave this marriage but i am weaker today because of my kids. Don't want them to suffer. But I also think, do I need to spend rest of my life like this. I wish my wife had lied to me or never disclosed to me what she did.

    I am at a point where I want to file for divorce and move on. I am so close to do it. If I do, I go all in. everything will be 50/50 and everyone in our families will know that. This will be a shameful thing on both our families. Cannot even face people if this comes out. What a shame.

    she said and she has been honest and stuck with me throughout the last 10 yrs and I believe in that but does not heal or fix me. I believe she is going through the same but she had that experience. One side of me thinks that I should do the same , get out and enjoy with or without her knowledge but is it really worth it? I screwed up my life and my responsibility to make it right one way or another.

    I have gone counselling and just like some one said, sugar coating and feels good for a while. I wish we had some anti-depression drug OTC and I can take it to make me feel better.

  • Joe

    I totally understand where you are coming from. Hopefully my story can help you feel better. I am 29 years old and i am recently engaged to my beautiful wife to be. she is an absolutely amazing person and she is also a mother of a beautiful six year old. she is an awesome mom and that is one of the qualities that drew me to her. she is also the kindest and most genuine person i ever met. with that being said there also comes a terrible history and past but this past made her who she is today. when she was 16 she was raped by her much older cousin. she has a terrible relationship with her biological father who was abused himself as a child. he has had a awful impact on the way he made her feel because his love for her was based on a sexual outlook of his daughter. although he never molested her he always made her feel like an object and that can have a major impact on a child growing up. her mother never cared to look after her so as a 13 year old she was out late at night playing with all the older kids. later on she made a bunch of mistakes. when she turned 18 she moved out of the united states and went to brazil to be with her deported boyfriend. no parent to give her advice because no one basically cared. she stayed there for 3 months and he cheated on her gave her herpes and she had an abortion. then she came home and became a stripper for 6 months and was raped again and became pregnant from the rape. she had to have an emergency abortion because the baby grew in her folopian tube and she had to have the tube removed. she then was diagnosed with thyroid cancer at 19. she had to have surgery and was able to beat the cancer. a couple of years later at 23 she got pregnant again and had the baby but a few months into the pregnancy she left the guy because they had their own issues. she moved home again and a year later met a much older man who was 45 and she was 24. they ended up getting married and had a rocky 4 year relationship and he was abusive. she got pregnant again and had an abortion because the relationship became violent. the man lived across the street from her too so she had to see him almost everyday imagine that. so about a year later i met her and not knowing any of this. but i got to know the person that she is today not the person that she once was, a person that unfoirtunately who had no real adult guidance in her life just took things upon herself to try and find happiness. later on as our relationship developed i found out somethings and she told me somethings and was very honest with me. she at first kept things from me because she was afraid i would walk away and throw it in her face like it was done to her in the past. can you blame her? i would have walked away too. but after sitting down and learning the whole story and why things happened to her i truly understood her. if you met her today you would never kknow these things happened to her because she hides it well and has taken a spiritual approach in life. she was able to bounce back and go to nursing school and live a healthy and happy life. not many people can bounce back from so many traumas but that tells me something about her she is strong. i dont think i am even that strong.

    so yes i have had a lot to swallow and a lot to think about. but my life has been nothing but incredible since she enetered it. i have embraced the love and care she has given me and i give it back to her and her daughter. we live a great life in a home filled with joy. we respect one another and truly care and tell each other how much we love each other everday. she has her moments but i support her and show her i am there for her. it will always be that way but thats fine with me because i excpted the person she is right now standing before me.

    i had my past and she never questions mine and i have been with quite a few. she knows about it but based on all she has been thru she can care less because she just finally wants to be happy as simple as that sounds.

    we all have a past but can you truly walk through someones shoes? try walking through those shoes and see if you can bounce back the way she did. we dont truly know what happens to a person mentally and physically in their past and we dont truly know what goes through their mind and how they are affected by traumas. sometimes there will be things we may never find out. bt should that person not deserve to be happy because of the bad choices and bad traumas?

    god made all of us and loves all of us and never judges us so what gives us the right to judge? my parents know her for who she is today and know nothing about her past and they love and adore her. imagine if they knew? there would def be a different view of her.

    at the end of the day its all about love and its all about how the person treats you. when you marry someone you inherit everything about them. i rather know the brutal truth then live a life of deception.

    so i challenge you to go meet a virgin and see if she compares to what you have right now. the grass may not be totally green on your side but is there a gaurantee that it will be on the other side?

    keep god in your hearts and in your relationship and you will find happiness. god bless you and i hope my story helped all you guys out.

  • biomagnet

    I am experiencing the same thing here --- i have been married for 5 years (7 years total I know my wife). From the very begining, I felt uneasy about her past experiences ( I had one one before ). M wife said she had 5-6 relationships, but after 1-2 years of marriage, I find out that the number is 9-10 since she does not include the previoous sexual experiences.

  • Sam

    I'm also facing the same situation. I got married almost 2 years ago and I found out my wife had relationship with 2 guys in the past. When I came to know about it, I was totally devastated. i love her so much but at the same time I hate her. We don't have any kids and I think I never gonna have with her. Everyday I'm going through this. I tried to forget and ignore this but those words are still in my head. It feels like they are engraved on my mind and soul. I don't see her with respect now. I get irritated from smallest things these days and it feels like I'm going in depression. I don't to how to handle this.

  • Fresh Air

    I haven't seen any 'numbers' approaching my wife's count...

    Three years after I married my wife and after we have a child together she told me that she had slept with 50 guys. I'm still trying to process that. The number has since been down graded to 30...not sure what I can believe. I'm still a hard thing to process for me. I had been with one, my ex wife. I to am left asking

  • Mark K.

    You should consider yourself extremely lucky! This is as good as zero in today's world. It's basically her highschool boyfriend and then some guy from whom you took her away.

    But your comment is important. It shows that it feels the same on the inside for all us guys, whether it's 2,3,5, 20 or 50. You know what, I recently had a date with an old female friend. She said her number was 3 and I felt what you guys felt, but mostly because she said I could have been Number 1, if I knew more about life and women back, back then. It's the feeling of "I fu**ed up, I arrived too late".

  • Joe

    Just want to express myself about my troubles with my wife's past and to enlighten some of these guys for worrying about their wife's other 2 or 3 partners and to get some stuff off my chest about my own wife

  • jake

    Honestly what can you do. I have been mad over womens past for 20 years. There dam sure aint no cure. Cant look at my wife without seeing the men she has been with. Cant enjoy her, her touch, or her company. I go into a rage thinking about it but oh well. Tired of life and the past and tired of womens excuses behind it honestly. Hell i go to churcch but find no comfort there or at home or anyhere. Good luck to anyone in my situation.

  • Tiblet

    I was a virgin when i met my now wife. she was not and I was ok with that ( i was 21 and knew it was hard pressed) . The thing was There where certin guys in my small town that i would not deal with and any women who had been with these meni would have nothing to do with them. She lied to me strait up. Never would I have givien her the time of day if I wouold have known she slept with these two guys. Long story short 13 years latter I am married and have 3 wonderful childeren with her. so no regrets on that end but it still haunts me that she lied and it hurts me on a daily basis. My kids make everything ok but my feelings and my hatered are still real. It sucks but unless I man up and walk away from a good marrage there is nothing i can do. It sucks but you could be alone. Dam it sucks. It just sucks and you just have to live with it.

  • Liam

    My wifes' past led me to the brink of homocidal revenge. When all thats' left is planning the demise of certain past individuals and their new "add-on", you know life is a sham. No, I'm not some 20 year old with negative feelings, I'm a 60 year old who stayed with this woman for over 40 years, and still hates and despises the ground she walks on.......ten life times together will not erase the damage and destruction she left in her wake. Time doesn't heal, it multiplies......women have NO IDEA of the power they have in the lives of men

  • Jojo a wife

    Everyone has a past. The one thing everyone from female to male needs to think about is DO YOU, does your mind think over and over about past loves or lust you had? NO.. Most likely NOT. So why would you wife? Even if she was your first then you are truly special because you are her last

    I had been with 3 guys before my hubby. Even a super serious relationsip. Once he and I fell in love and made a life NO one else mattered. Now 20yrs later about all I remember is the names not the experiences. I only remember the names when something triggers them. Even then its passing moment.

    Its your mind playing tricks on you. If your wives KNEW you exsisted they would have waited for you. But each love they thought they found wasnt until they FOUND you. Its your touch your words they think of, they desire and need. Thats why they married you. You are that special someone to them.

    Next time the other guys in your wifes past bothers you think of the last time you saw her smiling face, felt her loving touch or held her when she was crying it was YOU she needed and wanted.

    I know how you feel becase I too went through alot of what you described of thinking of past loves. Thinking of all the things they may have done together but the toughts were my insecurity. Not my hubbys actual past.

    Unless your wife has a little black book now its all in your head. Until you realize your the only man in her life. You will continue to live in hell. Realize NO one is above you in your wifes mind and soul.

    From a loving, crazy, jealous wife of 20yrs. I am very lucky my hubby made it through my jealous of the past I made up in my mind. Alot of couple dont make it to 20yrs if one partner is jealous over something that can not be changed.

    Jo

  • pissed

    The thing that i am having a hard time with is what a man is thinking when he starts affair with married women becuase it must not be what will happen if the husband finds out. I personally would not consider it to me it is like land and trespassers will be shot, am i wrong thinking that the way i feel it is not only about her he has disrespected my family name and as long as he is willing to pay the price for his actions then ok

    Lets see how the story ends becuase his actions ended my marriage of 30 years and i want to know if he cares what happened to her or if it was just a piece of a*s, i myself would not do something so hurtful to another person becuase you know that the WHY will never be answered for the person you hurt.

  • Johnny

    no matter what she did the past is the past, Recently I took my wife to the E.R because of a Hystorectomy problem.

    We never talk of our past, she out of nowhere tells me that before we got togeather a friend of the family came by.

    she said he was a big Sweet Heart, she said her family was gone

    so they had sex. and then he told her he was getting married

    the next day.

    I just wouldlike to know why she told me about this???

  • Eileen

    Why don't u all get a life or leave these women. What's done cannot be undone I'm sure all u men have a past but would never share it at least women are honest enough to trust n would think that you wouldnt judge but your all just bullyish little boys that want to be in control sod u all ur not worth any of these women n ur not God either. Get a life and stop crying over spilt milk. No ones perfect least of all u goody two shoes out there

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