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Everyone Says He Is Depressed, Is He? Or Does He Really Want A Divorce??

Question:

I have been with my husband for 9 years and married for 4. We have 3 children. Three months ago he left, stating we were over. He is 35, I am years old. I always thought our relationship was great, and did everyone. Ours was the type of relationship that, when people saw us, they knew we were in love. Not because we were all over each other, but for the connection we had. We were best friends, soul mates.

On the day he left and declared we were over. Naturally I was shocked and asked him if he wanted a divorce as I was confused?? He immediately said, “No!” I explained that if he didn’t want to be with me anymore and as was strongly saying so, we would in the future have to get divorced. His sulky reply was, “I suppose we will get divorced then!”

I have been confused as he played loving husband right up until he left, even whisking me upstairs on several occasions days before he left. I asked why he did this and he replied he was trying to make the marriage work. However, he won’t communicate and I had no idea. He regrets not telling me, but feels it’s too late now. Since that day he has not changed his mind. He had a loving wife, three lovely children, a house and etc. He won’t work at the marriage and will not talk about it.

I’m sure there isn’t another woman although I can’t be 100% sure. He says he loves me and always will, finds me sexually attractive, I’m a good wife mother etc. But he sees me as a best friend and not his wife. He feels the spark has gone.

I have tried everything to save the marriage, but he won’t budge at all, and will not try  and get the spark back. I’m confused how he can throw it all away? I have asked how long he felt like this before he left and he said two months. Two months to me doesn’t seem long enough to decide to end a marriage.

The romance has dissipated a bit, what with having young 3 kids and both of us working, but he isn’t romantic or sexual, really. I have usually started things going and suggested stuff to excite things, while he was always a bit prudish and shy. I have never denied him or made him feel unloved. We always kiss each other everyday, hugged, wrote notes, etc.

The only problem we did have that was a constant niggle for him was money and his job. He did love his job, but, now that he is in management and has more stress, he hates it. He feels trapped there because it pays well and he has felt this way for a very time. He has suffered from work related stress and our MD has signed him off from work before because of it. He is always fed up with only having enough money to pay bills and nothing to play with. He is never happy come pay day, and is on a constant downer.

I could be wrong but it seems like he has got so down, that to escape it all he feels he needs to literally escape everything and start again. He wants to sell the house and pay off debts through the divorce.

I have already filed for divorce. However, it has been thee months of him saying he loves me but isn’t in-love. He won’t go to counseling, won’t talk and won’t do anything, not even for the kids sake. He won’t try just to say he has tried. He is 100% sure and hasn’t any doubts!

I cannot believe this. This isn’t the man I married. He is just so cold that he doesn’t seem to even care about the kids!! He has literally walked away and not looked back.

Am I delusional?? Is he perfectly sane or could he be depressed? I just hope he is sure this is what he truly wants because I do love him still and would hate for him to regret this later when it is too late, Divorce isn’t really going to improve things.

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Answer:

Its clear that you are both shocked and confused about why this man wants a divorce. In fact, you keep asking is he really wants a divorce. I am not sure why you keep asking that question because he has made it perfectly clear that this is his intention and nothing will change his mind. Perhaps you ask that question out the sense of total surprise that you experience.

The type of situation you are in is all to common. In fact, I have written an article about it for Mentalhelp.net. It is called, “Sudden End to A Marriage,” and can be found by clicking on this URL:

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_index.php?idx=119&d=1&w=5&e=41301

I fully agree with you that he was dissatisfied with the marriage for a lot longer than two months. Like most spouses, the signs and symptoms were there but you over looked and dismissed them.

You are making every effort to explain to yourself why this happened. However, in his refusal to speak about his reasons, you are left with no idea about what his complaints were. People do not divorce because of job dissatisfaction. They do not usually divorce because of depression unless the non depressed partner wants out. In fact, you really have no idea whether or not he’s depressed. By the way, wanting a divorce does not make him mentally ill. I know you want to believe this because it would provide some explanation. In my opinion there is no use for you to speculate about his motivations. As the saying goes, “You are spinning your wheels.”

You are even hoping that he will regret his decision once its too late. I doubt that will happen because he is so very determined. However, I do not have a crystal ball and anything is possible. If I were you I would not pin my hopes on it.

I must tell you that I find it somewhat baffling when you state that you still love this man. After all, he is ignoring his children and that is something truly outrageous. People divorce without walking away from their children. They may give up their spouse, car, house but not their children. This is why I have to question your’re still loving him. I believe you need to think about it.

In my opinion you are quite right to file for divorce. I hope you are consulting an attorney to protect your rights as well as those of the children. When you go to court, it will be interesting to see if he wants shared custody of the children. This is an important question because they need their father and they need to know he loves them, divorce or not.

Best of Luck

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Comments
  • Sarah P

    Thanks for the reply, I 'am' confused, especially because he has done this to me before......

    We were engaged to be married and trying for our first child (all his idea), living together, when one day out the blue he says he loves me but isn't in-love, sees me as a room-mate and not a fiancée, so we broke up and I moved out. 3 months later he realized he had taken me for granted and asked me back.

    Feel like I am back there again, I do not 'hope' he regrets his decision, he never mentioned Divorce, I did. Initially he didn't want one, but he didn't say he needed space etc... So I casually explained well eventually we will have to divorce if he felt it was over for good. He doesn't want to try at the marriage as he doesn't want to give me false hopes as he doesn't think the 'spark' will return (even though he fancies me??).

    I just find the whole situation frustrating, he is a closed book and never talks about how he feels etc... In my mind the 'spark' will return, with a little time and effort. I am annoyed that he doesn't think our relationship is worth the effort. He 'does' see the children quite regularly, but hasn't shown any concern as to their welfare or how they are coping, they are 6yrs, 4yrs and 1yr old, he even assumes I have 'already' come to terms with it. It's honestly like he has shut off all feelings.

    He 'is' a man who 'will' divorce because he is dissatisfied with his job/money etc... He works all the hours under the sun and feels like we are dragging him down. He has debts and can't pay them off supporting us (even though I work). He is fed up with 'being poor' (that was his favourite phrase'. We weren't poor! He was constantly trying to keep up with his mates, who are single, buying big T.V's and flash cars.

    I do strongly feel, he left so he could begin again, fresh start, shrug off the responsibilities of family life and sort himself out, he says he wants to be alone.

    Yet again he has taken me for granted and even worse his children. The trust is gone and I do 'fear' he will regret it, because I now feel it's waaay to late to patch things up, he has done too much damaged whilst not contemplating the sheer gravity of the situation. He doesn't think about the future at all, he takes things day by day, I feel he needs to open his eyes to really look at what he is doing, too late now.

    I know I must except I will never fully understand why he left, his reasons to me are just not valid, you work at a marriage, not cut and run when things get tough, especially since the only reason the spark has gone is because too much of our time is spent working and raising a family. I have always been open and encouraged him to share his thougts, fears, passions, life goals etc.. But all I ever get is 'I dunno' or he shrugs his shoulders. (I'm fed up of trying).

    One day hopefully I will meet a man, who knows me and the children are worth the time and effort. I love my family with all my heart and I am truly dissapointed that my soon to be ex husband cannot see our worth, when it stares me in the face everyday. I'm lucky to have them in my life.

  • Toni R.

    My husband of 2 years did this to me 5 days before Xmas (this past one). I am still reeling. It's horrible. He did the exact same thing - night before we were confirming our NYE plans and writing Xmas cards (he was giving me the list of his family and friends that he wanted us to send cards to) and the next day he tells me he wants to talk and tells me he is not in love with me anymore and wants out. He said he felt that way 2-3 weeks before and since then has reiterated that he does not want to work on it at all. in his words: "we can end it now or 3 months from now, so there's no point to try." He is definitely depressed, has always been a downer, and always looked at me for comfort and guidance, and even now, with a major job decision on hand (positive by all means), he is terified of "failure" and "doesn't have the strenght and energy" to even try the job, even though he is immensely qualified and being courted. He again comes to me for advice. He tells me he wants me in his life, he misses, loves, and respects me, values my opinion above all else and when I had a major family issue (mom was very sick) this past month he was emailing and texting and talking the whole time, with the kind of attention to detail that he has lacked for virtually all else. He clearly cares, and when we last met he visibly lights up in my presence. Yet doesn't want to work on it. He already has one divorce (5 years marriage) and several 2-3 year failed relationships. He has a history of quiting jobs/relationships/even cities when things get hard. It was stupid to think i'd be special, but he seemed so sure that i fell for it. And i am now devastated. Everyone tells me i need to move on, including some of our common friends who basically are nonplussed by his behavior and really think i can do better, but i am still so sad. And it's somehow worse that he's been in a black hole since he left - living on people's sofas, getting fatter and unhealthier, has not sought treatment for his severe sleep apnea (the reason why the last 2 months we were sleeping apart)....basically he left for what?!? So I know how you feel. It sucks. I wish you all the happiness you can find, for you and your kids. Like sucks sometimes, here's hoping it get better...

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