Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Ad Info & Options

My Boyfriend Saved Pictures Of His Ex-Girlfriend On His Computer.

Question:

I just found out recently, after being with my boyfriend for more than a year, that he keeps a folder on his computer with recent pictures of his ex-girlfriend which he downloaded from her facebook account a couple months ago. I found this really weird, because it means that he looked her up on facebook, and saved the pictures even though we were together at the time he created the folder. I had no right to look into his computer and understand this was wrong. I looked into it in the first place because he keeps to himself a lot and I feel as if he’s hiding things from me. I feel really uncomfortable and sad about the situation and would like to talk to him about it. What should I do?

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

Your feelings of discomfort about your boyfriend are very understandable. The fact that he keeps to himself is what adds to your sense of mystery and suspicion about what he is doing and thinking. Under these circumstances, I agree with you about the importance of talking about it.

When you talk to him you have to be ready to admit that you were wrong to go into his computer. However, you also need to point out how his secrecy makes you feel and causes you to doubt him. Now, you have even more reason for doubt.

You future decisions about this boyfriend will depend on how he reacts to this discussion. If all he can do is get angry about your having looked into his computer, and with no further willingness for discussion on his part, then he is not the right boyfriend for you. However, if he is willing to be open and honest, then, the relationship might have a future.

I agree with you that it is upsetting to find that he is keeping picures of his last girlfriend. It could signify that he is really not done with her. You really need to protect yourself and the best way to do that is to break up with him if he refuses to talk about what is happening in his mind and between the two of you.

He just may be demonstrating that he cannot be dedicated to you. After all, there is a “last” girlfriend. What caused them to breakup?

Please do not make the mistake of believing that his behavior is your fault and do not make the mistake of believing that you can get him to change his ways. If he cannot give you want you want, then, leave.

What all of us want is to be in a safe and secure relationship in which we can feel loved and give love.

Best of Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

Comments
  • jenny mathers

    I just read you comments about the lady whos boyfriend kept photos of his ex and it makes a lot of sence to me. My boyfriend is keeping photos of his ex and i didnt understand why? is it me being irational about it ? but after all she was an ex for a reason and he shouldnt need to look at her photos it makes me feel second choice that im not quite good enough for him not to have a back up of his ex girlfriends photos.

    Thank you

  • Lisa

    I can completely understand your predicament. I have a boyfriend that downloads photo's of old girlfriends and woman from his Facebook. I know he still has naked photo's of his "first love" also on his computer. It does make me feel very uncomfortable, and he doesn't know I am aware of these. His computer is password protected. I think he has a lot to hide and it is something that we seriously need to discuss, althougth I have been putting it off in fear that it probably will end up very messy. He expects me to trust him, and he professes to love me, but I do believe he lives a little fantasy also. I have a feeling that he would not act on those fantasies, as his first love lives in a different part of the world. Being honest though, is better for your self preservation. I need to take my own advice!

  • Randy B.

    I still keep photos of my exwife, And it has nothing to do with my girlfriend being not good enough or anything like that. She doenst know i have the pictures and i dont want her to know because I dont want her to be hurt by it. I love her to death and would never cheat on her with my exwife or anyone else, but its just hard to let go of the pictures. I don't know why it just is.But you should ask him about it, and if he acts like a douche because of it drop him. But if he tells you he doesnt know why he still keeps them he's probably telling the truth.

  • Jane

    My Boyfriend keeps photos not only of pictures he took of his ex's but pictures they've posted online. Pictures of girls he wanted to date but did, girls he knows or works with. tons of them. all from their profiles. If i heard i guy was doing that to my photos it work be a stalker alert. He tells me he loves me everyday, but i hate that he has all these other woman on his computer. He claims their for memory reasons, but then why are they just woman that he's attracted to? Im tired of fighting over his stupid pictures. I think he's "the One" but im tired of being #2 even if he says im not and they have nothing to do with us. I dont want them hidden or in a box that he can go find when im gone. I want them out of our life for good and not because he thinks it will solve an argument. i will not be blaimed for him getting rid of them, but i believe he NEEDS to. I love him, but i cannot stand them.

  • Steve B.

    Every person has to kiss a few frogs before they find there prince or princess. There are a lot of things that go into a relationship there are good points and bad points. Some make it and some break it. If anyone looks back on his or her past there are ex’s in our life for a reason. Don’t forget that each experience is unique and each experience had good points despite the reason for a breakup. The distinctive pros and cons for each relationship could be the pros for one relationship may be cons for another relationship and vise versa. The bottom line is when the balance of cons too pros is exceeded for a relationship it breaks.

    That all being said it can feel good to relive the good points and forget the bad points with a sense of nostalgia from a past relationship especially when a couple has hit a rough patch and is faced with current cons. Photos of Ex’s can serve as that gateway as a form of escapism reliving the past good points escaping the current day bad points in life. Other personality types may turn to ice-cream, shopping, a cigarette, a drink, ect… The trick is balance and knowing when to snap out of it and not being consumed by the form of escapism. Playing with nostalgic feelings is easy to do and something the media does with ads that take us back to childhood and Saturday morning cartoons but that form of nostalgia tries to sell us stuff we don’t need.

    The scary thought is someone you love getting lost and blinded in reliving the good old days that is when the behavior could become consuming in this case reliving nostalgic photos, but addiction behavior could also be shopping, cigarette, drugs, other… Just to get away from the cons - People can be blind to the full picture because that could interfere with the good feelings that are produced. So the question remains where does the current relationship stand with the balance of pros and cons? Verses the time to time need forms of escapism. Is it within the rising and falling of tides? Or is it a precursor to the breaking of the dams and levees? Your unique experience will vary. Best wishes.

  • Anonymous-1

    I just recently went through this. Was in a relationship with someone who I thought was awesome. And to the guy a few comments above saying he "hides pictures of his ex in a folder because he doesnt want to hurt his current girlfriend", well you are hurting her even more by "hiding" them. Guys that behave like this are pathetic, probably hanging onto some girl that "destroyed" him and could care less about them..and instead of concentrating on their current girlfriend, they're too busy making secret folders of past ones. pathetic. run away as quick as you can, and find someone who will pine over you and not someone else.

  • Anonymous-2

    I went through the same thing with my boyfriend just last summer. After being together more than a year, I went through his computer and found folders upon folders of girls he dated/slept with/likes, naked photos included. Most of the photos were old, but some of them were as recent as a few months ago. It hurt and it still hurts. I felt the same guilt for going through his things, but he acted like he had something to hide. Everytime he would leave his computer, he would lock it if I was around. I'm still with him, but while reading this post all I wanted to tell you is don't put yourself through it anymore he's being disrespectful and downright cruel.

    Thank you for sharing this. I don't think I would have been brave enough to disclose all that or been motivated enough to do something about it now.

  • The boyfriend

    Pretty sure I'm the guy being talked about in this post. Pretty creepy that we are having another fight about this same topic 3 months later and doing a search for "ex-girlfriend relationship problems" found this post. Why would I ever google such a thing? Because I am absolutely desparate. What else can you do when you are telling the truth and someone won't believe you?

    For the record, the "ex-girlfriend" in question was almost 6 years ago and I have not had a conversation with her in over 4 years! I do not even have her phone number or know what state she lives in. To act like you can make an assumption about someones feelings because they save an picture is ridiculous. Whats different in saving a picture vs viewing someones profile page? Am I supposed to delete all my friends who are girls? Burn all my old pictures, erase my memory of everything and everyone I knew before we started dating?

    I have been completely faithful to my current girlfriend, yet we still get in fights about a girl I dated 6 years ago? Why is she going through my things? Why doesn't she trust me? Why can't she get over my past and accept that my past is what made me who I am and the man she fell in love with? Just because we are dating doesn't mean she gets a full-acess pass to my life, computer, belongings, memories, etc. What I share with her is what I *chose* to share with her. Who wants to talk about an ex? Such topics can be hurtful, so why even bring them up? I'm not hiding anything I'm avoiding hurtful discussion.

  • The boyfriend

    I'd like to write a few more things since its on my mind (after all we are fighting as I type this).

    1. It is really reckless to give advice to "just break up with him" over the internet. We have known each other for three years, and have been living together for a year. We have traveled to half a dozen countries together, and all over the US. Do your realize the amount of memories you are trying to throw away based on the interpretation of one paragraph of writing?

    2. The assumption here is I was putting a lot of thought into my actions at the time. Truth is, I came across the picture six or seven months ago, saved it and haven't looked it since. In fact, I had completely forgotten about it until the fight came up. I haven't spoke with this girl in four years and the only time I think about her is when my girlfriend brings her up. When the fight first came up my response was "I don't know why I saved it" and that was the truth. Why would I need that picture? Why do I need the shotglasses I bought in random places 5 years ago? Why do I need the towel with my college logo on it? Why do I need the soccer shirts from when I played in high school? Why do I need any of the multiple old items I keep with me? Who knows, I sure don't. It doesn't mean I am obsessed with shot glasses or nostalgic of a shot of vodka I took 10 years ago, nor does it mean I am secretly yearning over a lost vodka that "screwed me over." Who the heck knows why people keep all the stuff in their houses they do?

    The problem here, in my opinion, is trying to take your own personal perspective on life and forcing it on someone elses. My girlfriend and I have lived completely different lives, from completely different countries - not to mention the fact we are of completely different genders. You can't expect men and women to have the same perspective on all issues so you should respect your boyfriend/girlfriend and believe in what they say. Moreso, you should respect their privacy and let them chose to share things with you - by choice - rather than forcing it on them.

    After all, we have been dating each other for three years and I have been faithful the whole time. I have had several relationships and never cheated in any of them. How much longer is it going to take her to trust me? Is a three year track record not enough? To me its absolutely ridiculous. You live with someone and see them every day yet you can't believe a past relationship from six years ago, on the other side of the country, at another stage in life, is done with?

    Christ. Can't live with em...can't live without em...

  • Anonymous-2

    The original poster said that the photos were recently downloaded. Old, forgotten photos and trinkets can understandably still around and shouldn't be cause for concern. However, the original poster wasn't threatened by remnants of relationships, but by recent actions that her boyfriend took. He went online, found himself on his ex-girlfriend's facebook page, and downloaded recent photos. It's interesting that you say commmentors are asking the original poster to throw away a relationship based on one little paragraph, when it seems that the boyfriend in the situation is actually the one throwing a year long relationship away for a few photos of his ex.

  • Sleepless In San Francisco

    My boyfriend has a password protected computer, but keeps it accessible when I am around, since it is always on. I asked if I could use his computer one day to upload some pictures of our vacation to Facebook. As I was uploading, I saw a folder that had photos of naked women, but not professional photos of pornographic actresses or adult models. There was one subfolder with a name of a female on it that contained many sexually explicit photos of her, and some flirtatious photos. The name was of a girl he had mentioned was a "friend" of his who I was aware he had hung out with at least twice during our relationship (at least what I was aware of). When I asked him whether they had either been intimate or dated, he replied, "No!"

    I am devastated. Why are they still on his computer? Is he still not over her? Are they his, excuse my language, mastubatory material? Is he cheating on me with her? He is very accountable for his whereabouts and time when we aren't together, and we hang out every weekend, so I am not sure. Furthermore, I don't know how to bring this up since I know it will lead to a huge blowup, but on the other hand, I can not pretend to act as if everything is alright when they're not. I feel dirty and betrayed, especially when he lied to me.

    I need some advice. Thank you.

  • Anonymous-3

    I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. Everything seemed to be great, until he showed me some of his old photo's. I didn't really think about it at the time, but now am wondering why he wouldn't let me see about 3OO pictures of him and all his ex's.

    When he was younger he slept around with a lot of people, and apparently took a lot of pictures together with them. Now what upsets me is that when he went on my computer when I was in the shower, he found old pictured of my ex on my blog, and they were innocent pictures. But when I got out of the shower he blew up in my face, and made me take all of them off, and delete them. When this happened, I said okay, that totally fine with me, and I did. I now don't have any pictures of anyone but me on my computer and I don't hide them.

    Now what i was wondering is should i be concerned about those pictures he has, or should I leave it alone. Personally i feel he was being controlling of the situation, and is hiding something, But I am not sure?

    Anyone have any idea's? SORRY!!!!!! I don't want to take this away from anyone else's blogs on here.

  • Anonymous-4

    Pretty much the same situation. Instead of getting worked up about the images, I deleted them. Not all of them, just the explicit ones.

    If he finds out? Well, that's going to be an interesting conversation.

  • Emily

    I know I was snopping but I just found my Husband was emailing his ex cause his computer messed up on and she had fixed it before.. Well I know lots about computers and did he ask me??? No... He told me she had fixed it before... I catch him in lies all the time little ones but lies... I dropped everything for him and it hurts.. I moved in Nov of last year and found he was on a sex sight cause he goes on business trips and wants to meet up with women even overseas.he said he never acted apon them . I am very hurt but he says it never happened.. Man what do I believe.. Then he turns the story around to try to make me the bad guy by snopping.. But if a man and woman is married I dont think there should be nothing to hide.. Always secert with his phone and email.. bad part I am close to 50 and man I dont want to start over again.. thought this was for real!!

  • REMAIN NAMELESS

    I accidently clicked into my bf's email once and got curious. There was a response from an x-girlfriend/good friend of his saying basically that even though it wasn't the right time for them to be together she still loved him. I looked a few emails down and there was a sexually explicit photo of her. I knew for two weeks before I blew up about it. I was ready to leave him. I confronted him and he acted like it was no big deal, like he got it, and forgot it existed because he never deletes his email. He also told me I could check his email all I wanted he had nothing to hide. Well, I did. I checked the email under sent...and I found she had tried to send pictures a few months before this, and apologized for sending them. His response was, even though I didn't get the pictures, if they are what I think they are, it wouldve been nice to look but not to touch. Now if that isn't encouragement for an ex to send more pictures than I don't know what is. I was real satisfied with his answer, but now I am not AGAIN! I am in love with this man, he tells me about her texting him and sending pictures, knows I am extremely jealous, and it makes me upset even further he even talks to her. EVEN THOUGH IT IS INNOCENT. Not on her part. BTW, she is married.....sincerely I don't know what to do.

  • Anonymous-5

    After an on again off again 2 yr relationship, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. I couldn't help myself and went snooping on his computer only to find that 100% of the photos we had taken during our relationship had been deleted (probably during our last break up) but....... there was a file of naked photos of his ex wife who he has been seperated from for 3 yrs still there!! The wife has always been a thorn in our side and I do think he still has feelings for her despite the fact he tells me he dosen't.

    What do I do? Do I tell him I was snooping??

  • Miss Freckles

    I was out of town this weekend and when I came home I just felt like my fiance was acting weird. When he went to the garage, I decided to look at his browsing history on the computer and it turns out that he was online looking at pics of he & his ex having sex. I am infuriated as this particular ex always seems to pop up in our lives in some way. Feel like he's lying to me and to himself about being OVER HER. We have been together for 2.5 years and she is now engaged, but they are constantly in contact with one another even after I have asked him to respect my wishes to have no contact with her. Today was the last straw. I am calling off the engagement and looking for a new place to live tomorrow morning. It's 4am and my mind and heart are racing. I'm so angry and heartbroken.

  • nameless

    i have no idea what to do about my boyfriend..we have been together for over two years now. he left his computer at my house, so of course i snooped..i looked as his cashed programs on his internet browser and saw pictures of naked women, last time i saw this heblamed it on his brother and said it was not him..he would never do that! but i caught him in a lie..all the pictures were time stamped so i knew it was him doing it..in addition, i made him a facebook page when we first started dating..he told me he never ever went on it and said there is no point. Well again he lied, he was going on daily and looking at pictures of MY FRIENDS and MY FAMILY in their bikinis and slutty halloween costumes..and saving them to his computer..that is what hurt me the most..i mean i understand looking at other womes, like playboy..but not my cousins and best friends..it hurts me so much..he doesnt understand how much! and it may not seem like a big deal to alot of people..but it really hurt..he lied to me over and over again..and its not like he was just gooing on and randomly clicking people..he went on searching for my friends in their bikinis..what should i make of this? i dont know what to do...

  • Anonymous-6

    I can relate to every single comment. I'm a 40-ish yr old womand whose been through almost the exact situation mentioned in many of these posts. I thought my man was my best friend, but I had a sneaky suspicion one day and I snooped. Despite feeling some guilt for snooping and devastation at what I found, I'm glad I did it. We battled through the worst part, but we're still going strong.

    It hasn't been easy, and I still have my moments of mistrust and insecurity, but with his reassurance, I'm building back the trust one day at a time.

    If your relationship was good before the infidelity (and yes, I do consider having hidden pictures/texts/e-mails from a woman on the side unfaithful) -it may not be a totally lost cause.

    Betrayal, hurt and mistrust are terrible feelings to deal with. Set acceptable boundaries with each other. Openly share passwords with each other if that alleviates some of the worry.

    Don't let him off the hook for hurting you and don't be naive again. If he comes clean, makes amends, commits to being faithful to you, try to build from there.

    If he's not willing to make changes & respect your feelings--you need to think about whether this is the truly the type of person you want in your life.

    Hold your head high, be true to yourself, try to give them a chance to redeem themselves. If they ruin a second chance- then you need to be confident enought to let go and move on. Work on your own self esteem, and understand that you deserve nothing less than to be with a man who loves you, adores you and respects you. Remember that you are worth it. There really are nice men out there who want to have a healthy, happy relationship with someone who loves, respects and adore them back.

  • Hey_Lyse

    I think we actually have some worry about security in relationship. It is not wrong to feel this way. For me, I told my finance to delete and destroy any of his ex-girl friends photos. I will be please to finish relationship with him if he still want to keep them photos. I still keep my eyes on it! One thing that make me feel uncomfortable about his ex girl friend is... she has a new boy friend but she still keep my finance photos on her facebook,why? never see she put photos of her new boy friend on facebook.... why? is it trick? ummm.... not good.

    sometime, I tell myself. I should finish relationship coz it is worry me and most of the time is get on my nerve!!!

  • Anonymous-7

    girls - stop being so hypocritical. Do you masturbate? Yes. You do. When you masturbate, what do you think about? Sometimes do you imagine sex with other guys? Yes. Sometimes, maybe not always or even not very often, do you remember some mind blowing sex you had at a point in your life? Yes, you do, I know this because I have many good friends who are women and who tell me these things. So sometimes, maybe rarely but sometimes, when a woman masturbates, she'll remember a great mind-blowing sex session she had once in her life with a long-ago lover who is different than her current partner. Is this wrong? Is it cheating? No. As long as it doesn't affect her current sex life I don't think it is. There's nothing wrong with this. So don't be hypocritical

  • disappointed

    If this comment can help anybody, let me just say that my boyfriend looked for his ex-girlfriend on facebook and found her, and has been exchanging messages with her for several months. What really made me sad was that I was expecting a message from him and I opened my facebook account, only to find that he had not sent me any messages, but there was a posting for his ex-girlfriend which said "You are a very special person. Thank you for all your messages" I felt so hurt. He says the usual stuff that they all say- that this doesn't mean anything, blah blah blah well, I believe in clean breaks and I haven't accepted any friend requests from my ex's. I wish he could do the same, but like the therapist pointed out quite correctly, I must not expect that I can change him. And yes, I do believe that I deserve to be loved and to have him focus on me, it's not unreasonable, it's just plain healthy.

  • Ms.Unsure

    My Boyfriend and I have been together for about almost 4 months now. I recently signed on his facebook account by accident thinking that I was signed onto my account which I wasnt. I went through his Profile pics and saw pictures of his first love and it hurts me alot seeing it. Because he tells me he has no feelings for her, but why keep her pictures? and yes it does make me feel second or I'm not good enough for him.

  • Trusting in FL

    I have one of those x's that's still buds with my bf. She's not nice to me and I don't really care. I just think guys are sometimes insecure and they have trouble letting go of people who might have pampered them and made them feel good at some point before they broke up. It's not a reflection on the current relationship unless someone's not happy to begin with. If you seem like a happy couple deep down and you are affectionate, loving and caring to each other then who they communicate with should have no adverse affect on what you have together. Guys can have friends without benefits and they can have strange habits when they are alone - you know what I mean -). Unless you find out your mate is a player or see hard evidence of infidelity then just relax and enjoy what you have. If it's meant to be it won't be long before the x is forgotten or becomes less noticable. I would'nt be with someone if I felt they were being extremely dishonest about their feelings for me or anyone else. Give each other a little space only after getting lot's of love, hugs and kisses. You'll be able to tell how much someone loves you by how much time they invest in having fun with you as well as going through tough times together. Good luck

  • YO

    Truth from a guy who has been there.

    If you find a picture of your boyfriends ex, then that means that he misses her. He probably misses her sexually. He probably misses the things that "she" used to do. He probably regrets the fact the he could not hang on to her or that he was not good enough for her. He probably only misses her because he really enjoyed the sexual experiences with her. So when he is alone and feeling sexy and horny he can just click the pics and revisit the special sexual experience that he loved so very much. Men are generally very attached to sexual emotions. Sure he may think you are a sexy pretty girl, either better than or equal to that of his ex encounters. Maybe your 100 times better than anyone her ever had. But are you fulfilling all of his sexual desires and fantasies? Are you better than his ex in bed? And if he is still in contact with her, you can bet your life that he would risk it all for a chance to actually be able to be intimate with her again. Oh yea! Two girls giving me the sweets. mmm so good. I feel so happy to be so satisfied. But when they get too close for comfort, and suspicions arouse, you can bet it will make him that most edgy person on the face of the earth. The risk of losing two beautiful women that make him feel so loved. Completely nerve racking! So. Now you know the truth and anyone who steps up and tries to deny this is only illustrating the edgy desperation of denial.

    If you make him choose, then you had better stick with your outcome. If he chooses you, do you love him enough to fullfill his needs sexually? Are you going to ask how to make him completely satisfied. If she is obviously prettier than you then you might have a hard fight ahead of you. If she looks sex, than I will bet he wants her sex.

    I have had several girls at once. Each had something that made me feel complete. They where not all HOT beautiful girls. One was 19 and very young looking and vibrate. completely sexually arousing for me. I loved being intimated with her and I loved her hard core attitude. Then I had a girl from high school who I had been friend with for a long time. she was cute, chunky, short and chubby. Fat for a small girl. very round. But something about her made me feel compeled to be sexual with her. I could talk to her and be sexual with her and she was aware of the other women. the other women where aware of eachother. I had encounters with these two randomly at different days. Then there was a girl that I had kept envisioning from highschool that I had walked home a few times. I adored her and she was blind. I was shy back then. I wanted to be her protector for so long and every now and then I would revisit the memories of watching her walk home. Such a beautiful girl. Facebook helped me conntact her 17 years later. I met up with her and immidiately we had intimate connections. She was not the same pretty young viverant sexy and enchanting petite girl any more. She was a mother. she was taller and a little heavy set but not fat. she has a round face and black hair and dressed like a nanny in a long house dress. This image of her was not immidiately taken to my heart. but then I saw her eyes again. blue with frosted glaze over them from her health detrioration. It wasnt long before I realized I really missed her and soon felt that love for her again. I adored her personallity and her beauty and it hit me like a mack truck. The more I learned about her life, the more I fell.

    Do you see? Not all men will admit this. Not all men are aware that this is happening to them.

    Advice. Dont be so challenging about simple things in life.

  • G?

    The trueth is if he keeps it then his using it...either in person or masturbation. I uploaded a few sexy guys myself and he deleted his...

  • Clare

    I found photos of my "boyfriend's" ex and the truth is ladies he wanted to push me away. He is bipolar and schioeffective and some guys will never trust the special commitment of a loving relationship.

    He pushed me away once saying I don't want to hurt you because I respect you. We went to India together we broke up and then we said I think you are so special and I really want to try with you.

    We got back together it was a little better and he tried, but always felt like his was fighting noting brownie points instead of it being from the heart.

    We went to eygpt together talked about me investing in his apartment and refurbishing...having it as an amazing holiday home. When we got back I found out I was pregnant ... we both decided we couldn't keep the baby. It was a very stressful and upsetting time with our careers being very busy.

    After the termination I stayed at his and he went to the studio for rehersal. I used his computer to save some work, which I had done before and came across some of his photos...lots of porn (fine) old girlfriend pics(fine) and 2 of an old girlfriend saved 3 days after the abortion scan!...heart breaking how someone can turn there emotions like that.

    I have always been so supportive and he has said I haven't meet anyone with a bigger heart than mine (do I trust not really)

    Anyway saving those pics so soon under stressful circustances...it's messed up and that is what goes through paranoid and insecure heads and if you feel the slightest incline of distrust follow your gut instinct and save yourself...move on!

    I left the laptop open with the file properties of when the files were saved so he knew what I has seen.

    2 days later we talked I wanted to understand and he said in a messed up way I wanted to push u away...

    If you feel that way ladies...its not u its them and there are amazing guys out there! I know because I've had one.... don't waste your time, its too precious and there are more important things to invest your energy in.

    There are difficult things in life... a relationship does not need to be one.

    He hasn't tried to fight for my heart so I am obviously not that "special"... but I know he has been in so many relationships so I should have followed my gut and I will take the positive and learn to follow my instincts for the future.

    Dig deep and be strong... push your love and energy into those who want to except it :-)

    Clare xxx

  • DeannaBanana

    My bf keeps a password on his pc and won't let me on his pc at any time. He claims I'm going to mess it up, and since I have my own ... why use his?

    I found a memory card in his camera, with nude pictures of his ex inwhich he broke up with last year, and explicit photos of her genitalia.

    Haven't been on his pc yet, but I suspect I know the reason why... He says he's over her, but from time to time which is about every 3 to 4 days, he finds some reason to bring her up in conversation.

    I'm so tired of it! Ofcourse he says, how can I forget about 3 years of my life,,, and if I delete the photos, I'm deleting memories of my life. I've moved all the photos to a trash bag in the garage. ( the hard copies ) but as for the card.. that went in the garbage. As for the PC, well, I'm locked out of that. He's very private and deletes his browser history on his phone constantly.

    What gives? He's good to me, we live together, were romantic.. and were intimate... he's happy I'm happy...

    why bring his ex up?

  • Barbie

    About two months ago, I was using my boyfriend's computer and he was sitting in the family room with me. A MILF video site came up and I sort of laughed. I am 53 and understand men like porn. We live over a hour apart, so that doesn't bother me. We have a great sex life and have dated for over 5 years. After he left the room, I curiously clicked on the video icon to see what he liked. I always want to explore and try new things so I was curious. I was horrified!!. I found an entire file of his ex-wife's body/face being morphed onto nude bodies, giving blow jobs. There were about 20 photos and some of his ex, without any morphing. There was one of me. I try to put it out of my mind, but can't. Any advice from some of the men out there what or how to deal with this. I love him to death, and I know if I bring it up that will be the end of our relationship.

  • Anonymous-8

    My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 5 months and I can't put my finger on it but for some reason I constantly feel like he is hiding something from me.....I have always been told to trust my gut and my feelings on things of this nature and have been through 2 marriages where I was treated terribly. All that said, I have looked at his e-mail and discovered that he emailed himself all of the photos that were on his phone and videos of his ex-girlfriend 90% of them were of her naked and the videos were of her performing sex acts on him while he taped. I was hurt and terribly ill about this. He has not one pic of me....at all clothed or unclothed. I am sure that he uses them for masterbation purposes and he tends to talk about her a lot. My belief is that he still loves her. I will never say anything because of my snooping....but I know it's there and I won't forget it..unfortunatley knowing myself, I will allow it to destroy the relationship and maybe it should. Guys, your girl may not always share everything she knows about what you do. If it is not something you want her to see, it should be deleted, especially if you love her.

  • Ashley

    I've been in a serious relationship for about two years now. I've recently had trouble trusting him because he is so secretive and private about his things, especially his electronic items such as, his cell phone and computer. This did not help when I saw a video of him and his ex-girlfriend. It wasn't anything sexual at all, it was a video of him, her and his little sister just joking around. What I'm wondering is if he still has feelings for her or not..he says he doesn't. But why keep the video? He claimes it's because his sister made it, but I doubt this. I know it was very wrong of me to snoop through his things, especially since he might start to not trust me. But should I be worried that he still has feelings for her?

    I appreciate any feedback.

  • Angel

    My boyfriend stays very close with at least three of his ex-girlfriends. We met over a year ago and got close through email, etc while he was out of the country. During that time, he had a girlfriend that he told me was basically on the outs with but never actually got the chance to formally break it off. When he returned about five months ago, he broke up with her for me. Before that time, he was, at least physically, pretty honorable, although it was certainly emotional infidelity to some extent. Now, she has started contacting him again. He talks to her frequently, has met up with her for lunch twice recently. He always tells me about it. Doesn't hide it. She sends him gifts. She does not know about me and he won't let me come to events where their mutual friends will be. He says this is because she has mental health problems and he fears for her safety if she finds out.
    His most significant ex he is even more close with. He stays at her house about half of the week. She lives two hours away but is the mother of a two year old child he is helping to raise. This part is complicated, but if you know the back story seems understandable. He loves the child and is the only father figure he has. It is not his child, but they owned a home together where she lived when the child was born. When he stays there, he rarely answers calls from me, often "falls asleep early" with the little boy. I have not met the little guy, although I have seen countless pictures. He is also very close with her. They are good friends. They talk every day. About the child he says, but thats not totally true. He is a huge support for her, and I believe she is for him as well. When I am with him and he speaks to her on the phone, I have to be quiet. He says this is because she would freak out about me being in the house and then he would have to deal with her and fight with her. They have been broken up for three years.
    The third ex is his first love. She lives 3000 miles away but they text daily and chat. They talk on the phone about once a week. Email each other, send pictures. He will show me the messages when I ask, but mostly is very protective of his phone. Even takes it in the bathroom with him when he showers. I only really found out their relationship was so close because I happened upon some emails where seh was very inapporpriate, calling him her long distance lover, etc. She continues to be inappropriate, saying how she misses him and how great they would be together. He claims he has let her know that she is being inappropriate and he is with me. But it seems that he still feeds into it. He tells me they have maintained the long distance friendship for years, through two past girlfriends. But one of her texts said that they had only begun heavy contact a few months ago. He claims that their level of contact goes up and down through the years. He refused to do facebook.
    Is this normal? There seem to be explinations for everything, and he at least presents as being very open and forthcoming with this information. Still, I can't seem to shake the feeling that I am being deceived. The strange thing is that he is really into me and spends a lot of time with me. If he were really running all these schemes, why would he be so awesome with me? I can't wrap my head around it. I want so badly to trust him. If he is being totally honest and honrable, how do I shake this feeling? What can help?

  • Diana

    No darling, that is NOT normal... that's more of a "BIG LOVE" type thing. But if you're o.k with everything. Than, let it be. Just reading everything. Ya man sounds wierd!
    *If he can't show his friends that he's with you, then how do you expect it to get further?!

    And why can't his friends come to you/his place?...

    I think you might need to speak with friends or relitives about this. Because I don't know ALL the facts...

    Any who..... I good luck

  • S.

    "Still, I can't seem to shake the feeling that I am being deceived"

    No offense but.. COME ON. The reason you are feeling deceived is because you ARE being deceived. Sure, there may be a slight possibility that every story he tells is true, but that is a very very very slim chance. What it all boils down to is that he is overly protective of his phone, stays at an ex's house half of the week where he "goes to bed early", and spends way too much time with exes in general. Exes who don't know about you! Being a father figure is fine, but then why can't the ex bring her son over to see you guys? Why can't she know about you?

    He sounds like a very accomplished liar. I had a (way less serious/complicated) relationship like that where I was often told a new story to cover a lie. But the stories all seemed to fit together, so that means it's the truth, right? Wrong. If you do anything often enough, you're bound to get good at it. He got good at lying. It took me years to find out that the whole time, I was being cheated on and degraded.

    There are so many people in the world that you simply do not need to waste your time with someone that is decieving you like that. You should really consider having a serious conversation about why all that crap is going on and why his exes can't know about you. Frankly, it sounds like a load of BS and you have a right to know the truth.

    This comment may be belated but in case you or anyone else in a similar situation sees this, I hope this helped!

  • mad ex

    My boyfriend had pictures of his ex girlfriend and her sister and admitted he was going to jack off to them. I'm not saying thats what your boyfriend is doing, but as I assume, they arent over their ex, and their exs sister I guess...Drop him girl, you don't need it. You really deserve someone special in your life and obviously he doesn't treat you with enough respect to deserve you.

  • jb

    Blow off in all of this is the fact that the girlfriend waiting until he wasn't home went on a search mission on someone else's pc. Now if he had went through her apartment and fount an old picture of her old boyfriend with his package openingly displayed she would have giggled it off as a thing of the past and we would be hearing how "he needs to get over it". We would here about his insecurities. Well being a man I don't miss this at all and she's not off the hook. Guy nosey woman go bye bye, I say dump her. We all look back at the one who got away, hell what is facebook, classmates and the rest for? Thats right to look back on old friends or romances of the past. Has the idea he may have loved the woman ever crossed the mind of these woman posting against him? Of course not. Girl he's yours now, comb his pc demand he remove everything on his pc which doesn't place you on a alter. Girls he may have done this last time and what did he get dumped. Some of the coldest dumps ever are usually done by woman without so much as 20 minutes at the local Dunkin Donuts to explain themselves. I've had girls dump me and I knew it was coming, always on facebook but not with me, endlessly texting, unexplained periods away on friday and saturday night. I'm also not shocked the therapist saw it her way, he needs to be open and confronted. No doctor stop trying to win points catering to the nose girlfriend you'd like to sack yourself and confront the nosey bitch.

  • Poliolio

    I am totally blazed-out dumbfounded by these comments and discussion. ALL of these women are in complete denial that THEY caused the problem by snooping on the BFs computer, cell, etc. Why do you think that 200 years ago the phrase "Curiosity killed the cat" got made? Every single one of you is guilty of distrust, mistrust, snooping in things that are none of your business, and lieing to yourselves that your a doggone snoop!

    Women, Listen. YOu have NO business ever going on your BF/hubby/etc. computer unless he says it's OK. If your so insecure about the relationship get into therapy or confront him. You have ended the relationship when you spy on him. Men: NEVER accept a woman who is snooping on you - dump her ASAP. She will Never change and get to trusting you as she ought to.

    I burned all the love-letters and pics of -ex girlfriends just before I got married. It was a sign that I gave my all to marriage. My wife decided that her contribution to the health of the marriage was to get fat - even gaining 30 lbs by the time we walked the aisle. She got fatter, I got unhappier, I found a couple of old semi-nude photos of -exes and had 'em printed, men like trophies, get it? I never cheated, she snooped and tore them up, marriage over - by HER doing. All I was doing was remembering when I didn't have to roll a woman in flour and go for the wet spot!

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand