Helping A Friend Or Family Member Who Is Suicidal

Suicide Help

This chapter in our suicide series is designed for friends and family members who are interested in helping someone who is suicidal. We make the assumption that you have already read the background information on suicide included in our introductory chapter, so we will not repeat that information here. If you have not yet read the introductory chapter on suicide, and you have a few moments to spare, please do so by clicking here.
Suicide Help

Suicidal ideation can be precipitated by drug abuse and addiction. If you are struggling with a drug addiction and feel suicidal, help is available.

Alcohol IconAlcohol use disorders have been frequently implicated in exacerbating suicidal behavior and/or suicidal tendencies.


Heroin IconThe risk of suicidal behaviors is also exacerbated in the case of intravenous drug use, like heroin and prescription opiates.

Marijuana IconMarijuana use and suicide may be associated--particularly for adolescents--although mental health factors strongly mediate the relationship.

If the person that you are trying to help is in serious danger right now (i.e., if they are acutely suicidal), please take the following steps right away:

  • Take the person to the nearest hospital emergency room and tell the admitting staff there that he or she is "acutely suicidal".
    • Your use of the term "acute" tells the staff member who you're speaking with that your friend or family member is in danger of committing suicide right now, and that immediate action is necessary to keep the person safe.
  • If you cannot get your friend or family member to the emergency room, call the emergency operator (911 in the United States).
    • Tell the operator that you are with someone who is acutely suicidal and that you require immediate help. Stay with the suicidal person until help arrives.
  • If your friend or family member has existing relationships with mental health professionals, contact those professionals so that they are aware of what is happening.
    • This will help ensure continuity of care and make the process slightly less terrifying for the suicidal person.

If you are currently suicidal yourself, please call 911 or a suicide hotline, such as: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) in the United States.

What You Can Do

Here are a few things you can do while waiting for professional assistance:

Attention

hugging a friend

Give all of your attention to him or her.

  • Actively listen to what that person has to say and actively watch what he or she does.
  • Do not try to multi-task; do not take phone calls (except from professional helpers); do not try to do anything other than to be present with this hurting person.
  • If you have responsibilities that cannot be delayed (e.g., child care), make alternative arrangements so that someone else can handle those duties.

Put your own ego aside for a moment.

  • Find it within your heart to care about the suicidal person you are with.
  • Let him or her know that you care, but be genuine about it.
  • Better not to go there if you aren't feeling it.

Empathy

Do your best to relate to and empathize your friend or family member's pain. Don't minimize feelings or shame someone for his or her thoughts.

  • In other words, don't say stuff like, "Is that all that's bothering you? I can't believe that's upsetting you this much!" This may be how you really feel, but sharing such an assessment with someone in pain is cruel, as well as conveying a lack of empathy on your part.
  • If you cannot relate to the person's situation, at least don't say anything that is likely to be viewed as insulting or demeaning.

It's easy to start feeling frustrated and even angry at a friend or family member who "refuses to put things into proper perspective" (i.e., to see things the way you see them). Anticipate that you might become frustrated and do your best not to lose your cool. Save your emotions for later- the focus of the present situation is not about you. The focus should be on the hurting person in front of you.

Is There a Suicide Plan?

Ask whether there is a suicide plan. If there is, draw out the details of that plan as best you can. Remember, though, that this is not meant to be an interrogation.

  • How will the suicide take place?
  • What means will that method of death require?
  • Are the means easily available or at hand?
  • Is there a time when the suicide will occur?
  • Is there a place where the suicide will occur?

Listen

Continue to express your willingness to listen.

  • However, do not force the suicidal person to talk. If your friend or family member doesn't want to talk, that's okay.
  • To the extent that it is appropriate in the context of your normal relationship, consider holding hands, or touching the person on the shoulder as a gesture of support.
  • If you would not normally touch this person, then make your support clear via verbal means.

Other things you can do

Don't leave your friend or family member alone until you are sure he or she is safe. Promise the suicidal person that you will stay there, and then keep your promise. It's okay to hand the person off to someone else who can watch over him or her (such as a professional helper, emergency room (ER) staffer, or other similarly committed and responsible friend or family member). If someone is in enough danger to require multiple shifts of "sitters", however, the person needs to be hospitalized temporarily. Take him or her to the ER in that case.

comforting a friend

  • Repeatedly suggest to your friend or family member that suicidal crises are temporary things. Waiting for a while and getting help can allow the suicidal crisis to pass.
  • Don't agree to keep secrets for a suicidal person; or at least, don't agree to keep the fact that someone is suicidal a secret. In the same vein, do not agree that you will not call for professional help.
  • Never challenge your friend or family member to carry out his or her suicidal plan, even if you privately think that the person is playing a game in order to attract attention. Even half-hearted suicidal gestures can result in a completed suicide.

 

What if you aren't sure whether someone is having an acute suicide crisis?

Sometimes you may suspect that someone you care about is suicidal even though he or she tells you that this is not the case. Go with your gut feeling in this situation.

  • If you believe that your friend or family member will not be safe (despite whatever assurances are made) then go ahead and follow the steps described above to ensure that he or she gets help. It is better to err on the side of caution with regard to suicide.
  • If you aren't sure one way or another regarding safety, err on the side of calling professional help. Let the suicidal person know what you are doing, however, so that there are no surprises.

A very likely outcome of reaching out for professional help is that your friend or family member will be brought into the hospital as a psychiatric patient for a few days, until the immediate crisis passes. Reassure the suicidal person that while no one looks forward to going to the hospital, doing so will help keep him or her safe, and may make the difference between living or dying.

If your friend or family member is not acutely suicidal, but still needs and wants someone to talk to about suicidal thoughts and feelings, please encourage him or her to contact his or her doctor or therapist, or to call a suicide hotline such as 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) in the United States. Encouraging your friend or family member to speak with an impartial (objective) third party who has been specifically trained to talk with suicidal people can be very helpful.
Comments
  • friend to a friend

    I have a friend who lives out of town who has expressed suicidal thoughts. She travels around a lot and doesn't really have a home base. She lived through a very bad childhood and youth, and it constantly haunts her.

    She has told me pretty in depth about her life, the things she's been through, and when she feels depressed. I'm apparently the only person she trusts enough to say these things to.

    She has sought therapy in the past but felt betrayed, so she won't go back. I listen to her whenever she needs to talk, for as long as she needs to talk. (Our relationship is strictly online, although she did stay with me for a couple days last month.)

    My problem is that I don't know how to help her from here anymore. Everything I can say, I've said before. I need some advice about what to tell her, and about what to do. I've thought of calling where she works, but she would lose her job. If she is not actively suicidal, that would be a very bad thing -- and, I fear, the end of our friendship. (I have, by the way, done most of the things suggested in these articles.)

  • Misa

    I have a friend who I have known for 5 years online. Lately she has gone through a harsh depression for half a year now and it seems it have gotten worse with an earth quake that has hit California. She is fine but her mother is hurt and possibly has a broken rib or so that could be fatel if it punctures into anything important, she cannot go to the hospital because they are filled with many injured right now and to make it worse, its far.

    Now suicide has not been a problem for her sense middle school when she cut after the death of a classmate. She has had a therapist but it only made it worse on her. Thankfully she was able stop after a few years. After that, that was when I met her and ever sense Ive been supportive of her and have been by her side in the good and bad, even though slight thoughts of suicide lingered rarely. She has health issues and is partially disabled, she also has F.M. which makes it difficult to live confortably when you are mostely in pain all the time, her outlit to this are video games which help distract her from time to time, but cant play if she becomes really ill.

    Anyway, on to the main topic. Ever sense the earthquake, she has been worried sick for her mother sense she feels she might lose her due to her injury. Her mother is the only one that knows of her health history and is highly dependent on her since she knows how to handle my friends paperwork on her when it comes to her health. She fears that if her mother dies, no one can take care of her because her mother is the only family she has that knows how to do so. She has told me many times that if her mom dies that she has come to terms that she wouldnt be able to contiue on without her sense she cannot take care of herself and doesnt know what to do on her own. She has also said that seeing her mother there in pain makes her nervous and suicidal because of that huge fear.

    I do not know what I can do for her since I live in Florida which is pratically on the opposite of the country. I can only provide support by phone or skype ... I dont know what to do from far away. I dont want to lose my friendship with her either If I suggest perofessional help.