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Rape Victim Who Cuts And Engages In BDSM To Self-punish Asks, 'Why Am I Like This?'

Question:

I was "r", the r word when I was a teenager. I was about 18 and wasn’t a virgin but had only been with one guy who broke my virginity and we were still together at the time. The "r" word happened to me when I was working for a manager who was the friend of the family and who got me hired there.

I grew up with very strict parents. When I told my mom I had sex for the first time, she told my dad and he started quoting bible versus to me. My mom knew I had sex from the way I was acting because the guy said he was going to break up with me. Anyway, I didn’t have a lot of friends, was shy and reserved, and very green to the real world. My mother kept us inside a lot

After what happened with the "r", I started cutting myself. It’s weird because I didn’t have anyone saying cut yourself you’ll feel better but when I did I felt a whole lot better, I just didn’t want to be in that kind of pain anymore. As the years went by I found myself being really promiscuous. I didn’t care who I had sex with or why. Sex was something I needed to be punished for because I needed to feel that pain. It was getting out of control.

Then came Hurricane Katrina. I lost everything but my life and my son’s life and had to relocate to a place I didn’t like. We stayed with an uncle for a little while but moved into another place. This uncle was there to help us and show us the ropes on what needed to be done but when I needed rides he asked for sexual favors. I told him I felt uncomfortable. He finally helped me with getting a job at the company where his wife worked. He was my family’s only means of transportation so he volunteered to take me to work. On the way to work he would stop at his house and come on to me and touch me. I told him he was an uncle and I didn’t & couldn’t look at him like that. He "r" me anyway. After that "r", I started cutting myself like crazy.

Then I was introduced into the world of BDSM. This way I can have pain, be punished for what I deserved and didn’t have to do it myself. I meet people randomly from the internet who are also into this lifestyle. I’m am always the submissive. I want to beat up and humiliated since this is all i know with men. I cry about it afterwards but I deserve to be punished for being so stupid. Sex is not love. Sex is a means of hurting a person. Why am I like this? Should I go back to cutting myself so I won’t eventually meet up with the person who will go too far and kill me. Could you please give some kind of answer? Do I have some kind of personality disorder? I get scared when I’m around a lot of people or people in general because I know they are going to know something is wrong with me. I’ve been diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. At one time I was diagnosed with some kind of personality disorder but I don’t know which one. All of the records at my psychiatrist were destroyed because of the storm and I can’t even find her anyway. Could you please give some kind answer as to what is wrong with me? I don’t even like sex anymore yet I use it as a tool to get beat up and humiliated.

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Answer:

It took me a moment to realize that "r" is your way of indicating "rape" without saying it. It is clear as day from the context of what you’ve written, and an easy enough word to write down in full (being one of the uglier four letter words we have), and yet though you are willing to lead with it and know it is an important part of your story, you compress it so that it is obscured. I can only think that you have abbreviated the term here due to a wish to avoid thinking about it even when you know you have to in order to convey what you want to say. I hope you’ll excuse my choice to write the word out so as to make clear to all readers what you’re talking about.

You ask, "why am I like this?", meaning "why am I sexually submissive, promiscuous, self-mutilating and self-hating in the ways that I have described?" Please understand that there is no single right answer to this question. I can try to provide an explanation which is likely to contain some of the truth, but it certainly is not the last word or even the most correct word. I come at this sort of problem from what is called a humanistic point of view. Other people would think about it differently.

In my view, multiple factors have likely worked on you to make you this particular unhappy person. You’ve been repeatedly raped in your life for one thing, and, I would guess, traumatized as a result of that repeated rape. For another thing, you come from what you describe as a strict background that appears to have communicated to you that sex was inherently sinful. Many people who come from such backgrounds end up wholeheartedly accepting the severe and judgmental attitudes that they grew up with. In your case, since you were sheltered from contact with outsiders, your family’s world view would have been more or less all you ever were exposed to, and it would be all but miraculous if you were to have not internalized that world view under the circumstance.

An important part of the world view your parents communicated to you seems to have been that sex was something essentially sinful in nature. This is a common attitude among many modern faiths, at least among the more orthodox and fundamentalist adherents of those faiths. The Bible offers a vision of two prominent Marys, one the married but virgin mother of Jesus and the other a prostitute . These are two rather extreme visions of womanhood. People with a strict way of thinking can take from these visions the basis for a very black and white understanding of female sexuality. My guess is that your own beliefs about sex have been affected by such a black and white understanding of female sexuality.

Your first sexual experience was negatively received by your family, certainly, and I expect that what happened next is that you started to think of yourself more like the shameful prostitute than the holy virgin. "If sex is bad or shameful, and I have had sex, then I am bad and should be ashamed of myself", or so your train of thought might have gone. The intense feelings of shame may have driven you towards the need to self-punish and hence to the need to cut yourself. Because sex was seen in a black or white way, there was no room for you to be both sexual/bad and still a good person at the same time, and so self punishment would seem a reasonable response. A similar impulse seems to be at work in the ascetic religious practice of wearing the cilice, as recently illustrated in the movie "The Da Vinci Code".

The sad/tragic thing and also the hopeful thing here is that it is not inevitable that because you are sexual that you must think of yourself as bad. There are many, many people in the world who view sexuality in a less strict manner than you seem to, and who do not view themselves as essentially bad because they are sexual. Many of these people who have managed to embrace their sexuality are also religious at the same time and have no internal difficulty seeing themselves as okay and worthy people. What I’m saying here is that if you can manage for a moment to climb out of your own strong world view and look out with tolerant, non-judgmental eyes at how other people have solved the problem of sexuality, you will see that it is not inevitable that sex equals badness or that you yourself should need to feel ashamed simply because you are sexual. Your need to self-punish is perhaps more a matter of the way you have come to view the world than anything intrinsic about sex.

That you’ve been repeatedly raped adds another painful layer to the story. Formative elements of your sexual experience have been violent, forced and painful. This is not the typical experience of most people’s sexuality, which is instead exciting and arousing in a positive way, and for many, a vehicle for sharing loving feelings and sentiments. If your major memory of sexuality is that you were forced and that it hurt you, it is easy to see how you easily equated sexuality with badness and with the need to self-punish. What I guess happened is that you tried to make sense out of why you were raped, and you decided that it happened because of your badness (e.g., you deserved it because you were bad/sexual and thus caused it yourself or somehow acted so as to bring it on and thus bear some substantial responsibility for it happening). That the rape actually happened because someone took criminal advantage of your vulnerability did not register. Under the circumstances, it would have been easy to view the rape as something you deserved rather something that unfortunately just happened to you through no cause of your own.

In my view (in the view of most people, and in the view of the law) you were a victim of rape. It was a crime against you rather than some deserving punishment. It is the perpetrators of your rape who should be punished; not you. But, having been prepared to think of yourself as a shameful whore as you seem to have been, this possibility would not have easily crossed your mind. If it did cross your mind, you would not have been prepared to give it much credit. Once you’ve rationalized and accepted rape as a necessary and deserving punishment for your inherent badness, then self-mutilation and suicide-by-BDSM is just a few steps away.

There are people out there who practice BDSM because they find it exciting and highly arousing. They practice BDSM in order to obtain this thrilling experience, and they practice it in a safe manner (so I am told). You don’t seem to be one of these people. Instead, for you BDSM seems to be more simply about getting yourself hurt on a regular basis. It also seems to be a sort of game of Russian Roulette that you play as well; a suicide game. You don’t know the people you sleep with and there is the possibility (moderately small though it might be at any moment) that you will hook up with someone who will seriously hurt you or kill you, because he is a sociopath and this is how he finds his victims. Even a small chance of such a horrific outcome is magnified when you make the same mistake over and over. There are other less horrible but also self-defeating outcomes that come with promiscuity as well. The chance that you’ll get a sexually transmitted disease is rather high.

Should you go back to cutting yourself so as to avoid the BDSM scene? I hesitate to say yes, because clearly neither of these possibilities are healthy. BDSM wouldn’t be so bad in of itself if you could practice it safely (e.g., with one known partner, with safety agreements that your dominant partner would respect, with birth control in place), but I suppose that would take most of the humiliation out of it and it would cease to be compelling for you. Most people don’t die from cutting themselves, but there is always that chance that you make a mistake and cut too deeply. It happens. I can’t recommend either of these alternatives, really.

What I can recommend is that you find a way to get yourself into psychotherapy. Between the cutting and the black and white world view that you seem to have, the personality disorder diagnosis you once had would probably have been Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). There is a form of therapy that is custom made for people in your situation; it is known as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and it’s whole reason for being is to help people like yourself who are constantly struggling with the urge to self-harm. It has been evaluated scientifically, and it is currently the best therapy available for individuals who self-harm. Psychiatrists are able to prescribe powerful medications that can help people to feel better, but no drugs in the world can help you think differently about yourself, at least not on a permanent basis. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can maybe do that for you, however. It can teach you methods of self-soothing and coping which can replace your need to cut or to engage in dangerous sexual masochism. DBT is worth you seeking out. Please listen to this podcast interview with Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., the inventor of DBT here to get a better sense for what DBT is about, and then get a referral for a DBT therapist in your area via this web directory.

I understand that you have very little money and resources and maybe think you cannot afford therapy. Call a local therapist who specializes in DBT therapy anyway and explain your situation. Many therapists will offer sliding-scale rates to clients who have need but limited means. Local therapists will also know how to refer you to local resources where the therapy can be had at a discount or even free at some times (through a community mental health center, if the one near you is not destroyed). You need the support, if not for yourself, for your ability to be a good parent to your child.

I don’t know what resources in your area survived Katrina or what resources have been rebuilt, if any. However, you might want to check out a local domestic violence women’s shelter to see if they offer low cost or free women’s groups, if you can find one operating near you. Your history of sexual victimization and the whole BDSM-as-suicide-vehicle should qualify you (I hope). Or maybe they will know a rape victims support group you can attend in the area. It would be really good for you to have the opportunity to talk with other rape victims so as to see that you are not alone, and to benefit from the perspective of women who have dealt with their victimization in different ways than you have. Gaining insight into how other people see the world will be important for you, as one of the tasks ahead of you is to come to terms with the assumptions you’ve made about what makes you a bad person deserving of punishment. If it turns out that you’ve been wrong all these years (as I believe you have been wrong) and actually don’t deserve punishment but instead are an undeserving victim, then your whole world view could turn around, with potentially positive results for your happiness.

A couple other thoughts. Some rape victims become traumatized by their experience and develop what is known as PTSD or Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD means that you weren’t able to emotionally digest what happened to you, and it replays itself in your dreams and in the form of intrusive memories of the rape(s). If this is the case, there are forms of psychotherapy that can help the trauma to resolve. A relatively new therapy called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) has been developed, and practitioners say it is able to take the pain out of trauma memories in just a few sessions. An older therapy known as Exposure Therapy is also available which consists of learning how to gradually talk about and tolerate the memories without running away until they become less painful. These forms of therapy may prove useful to you at some point in time, but perhaps after you’ve had a little DBT under your belt and have developed better (safer) ways of coping with your pain than carving your skin or inviting strange men to rape you again and again.

The humanistic approach to psychotherapy that I admire so much has as a basic element of faith that most people are essentially good inside. Problems happen when people’s natural drive to follow their own intrinsic interests (what Carl Rogers called Organismic Self-Valuing) is blocked by authority figures who demand strict conformity to some arbitrary ideal that cannot tolerate self-expression. People internalize the values espoused by these authority figures and try to live up to them, but in so doing, they cease to be motivated by natural intrinsic joy, and instead become motivated by fear and the drive to be acceptable in other’s eyes. I think this is what may have happened to you in part (and the rapes didn’t help either). Your self-development has maybe been foreclosed (please read my essay here). Your intrinsic self was maybe not allowed to develop naturally. You were maybe colonized by a strictness that was not of your own invention, and now you mistake that strictness’ voice for your own and do its bidding and work towards your own self-destruction. I wonder what your own intrinsic voice sounds like. I think it would be a good idea to try to work on learning to separate out what you want for yourself versus what you need to do in order to live up to the strict standards inside you. I think it would be a good idea to work on strengthening your own organismic intrinsic voice. I think that psychotherapy and support groups would be very good places for you to do this work. Good luck, strength, and perseverance to you. Here is hoping you will a way to accept yourself.

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Comments
  • Diane

    I'm writing in response to the anwser from Dr. Dombeck. (I did note the name) ) I've never seen the words suicide-by-bdsm and am glad I read on. There are many people who practice this lifestyle safely and responsibly. I agree this victim is not one of them, for sure. My outlook when I read that as far as the bdsm goes is that any "Dominant" who would engage with that victim would be an abusive person themselves. There are definite indications as to whethere a person is in this lifestyle for mentally/emotionally healthy reasons or not. Any Dominant worth a grain of salt would pick up on that quickly. I hope if she does continue involved in bdsm she seeks out someone (a female submissive) who can guide her responsibly. However, I guess the problem then becomes her judging the "guider". I loathe hearing the negative connotations of it referred to as "deviant" but it is exactly those who will prey upon people like this rape victim that give our lifestyle such a bad rap. To the rape victim I'll say...I'm sorry your life has been like this. I beg you to make sure you are emotionally well before engaging with anyone in this lifestyle again. This is important so your judgement is clear in what is good or bad.

  • Katie

    I know how you feel I've been struggling with myself to not go down the same path... You can pull yourself out. Sex isn't only about being hurt by a man. Sometimes our outlook on sex can attract those who fullfill our worst fears. The more you seek out those who will abuse you, the more you physiologically reinforce the beliefe that sex is about pain. There's a third option to having abusive realtionship or cutting yourself it's called councelling. People are out there who have gone through the same thing, and nobody who is worth anything is going to judge you. Go to a mirror right now and really look at yourself. You are an induvidual, you are beautiful and you've been badly hurt by those you've been close to sexually and otherwise. You deserve love and respect, just because you're you. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk. You're not alone. My e-mail is sweet-n-sassy58@hotmail.com

  • Toola Rose

    Well, my advice begins where the doctor left on a more personal note having to do with cutting, bdsm, and learning to move on.

    My story is different then yours and I deal with depression instead, but I can relate. I was molested as a child and teen and later was attracted to abusive relationships. Over the years I cut, attempted suicide, struggled with eating disorders, and I too found refuge in bdsm as a means of self-punishment. I fantisized about ever more brutal encounters and readily found I couldn't imagine sex without them.

    When I finally managed to get my life back on track much like how the doc said ( got out of bad relationships, sought professional help, and began to accept that the past was not my fault) one thing was still missing, dealing with sex. I still couldn't see it as anything but a punishment. I was frightened I was frigid, any true intimacy made me physically ill.

    In the end, it took rediscovering my own pleasure before I felt nearly whole again. I found that learning about my own body with the help of a little vibrating massager was one of the most helpful things in changing my views on sex and intimacy in general.

    I still struggle at the beginning of a relationship, but I've learned to embrace intimacy again. Bdsm is still a part of my life, but as an expression of love, not hate.

    So that's my story and my advice to help out along the way is just to find your own pleasure, free of guilt or hate, and eventually you may be able to find it with someone else :)

  • a friend

    i have a slightly different view point on this. i was the r word as this girl puts it and started the same pattern of behaviour self-harming becoming promiscous and then about a year ago i discovered BDSM. BDSM was first about the pain, then it became something different. i met someone wonderful and he has given me so much confidence in my life and has supported me and yes the pain part of our relationship has stopped me self harming.

    my advice regarding meeting people on internet is be careful you are not meeting the right people they are just using you and because you have a low opinon of yourself you are picking people who are dangerous and do not understand that BDSM is a two way pleasurable consensual thing and not a ticket to abuse and beat up a woman.

    if BDSM is for you find someone who can provide you the love you deserve. by the sounds of it you do not seem to like BDSM as it should not be causing you these feelings in that case delete your profiles and speak to an understanding friend or therapist

    i hope this helps

  • Carlos Aparicio

    I see your problem with a different aproach.

    I see you have a feel of guilt, and lack of love from your chilhood.

    The feel of guilt, is related with your actual familiar situation, or better, lack of familiar situation (in yours terms of course).

    The bdsm sydrom, y related with lack of love of your chilhood.

    I see the facts of rape no so important.

    Your therapy should be aimed to see the guilt of your parents, and the lack of love and time to your formation.

    Bdsm, is a poor therapy for autism, but if you find the right person, could be helpful.

    Be happy.

    APARICIO

  • Anonymous-1

    I was a r girl too, sexual abused when i was 8, got r in 2 times in my teenager time. 3 years ago when I was 25 got rape again by my ex boyfriend. Got PTSD and Depression with psychotic feature, But there is my recent boyfriend who helped me went through sex difficulties. After I got PTSD, I cant even have sex with anyone, got headache and flashback.....luckly my recent boyfriend helped me went though all the difficulities, and I became sex = pain = love combination. I understand how self-destructive sex can bring something comfort of treating yourselves bad.

    What I tried to say is hard to find someone really love you in BDSM world, and I got luckly because I know my recent boyfreind for half of my life as friend. Be careful on who you choose, and open your eyes, go to rape group therapy, you are not alone, and remember everyone are worth to be loved.

    If BDSM is only mean self-harm for you, then I think that might not be the best for you and can not be safe that way, unless the master/dominant really loved you and set the right guideline with you together. There is people who will love you who you are and I hope you go to therapy, pills made me a different person now, a happy being who has balance in life. Dr can help you go through the difficulities in life.

    I still in treatment, due to family history of mental disorder, but now BDSM is becomes the love feeling I can feel in relationship.

    Good luck on find your love and balance in your life, and if you need to talk there is always nice people on experience project or this forum will let you know you are not alone.

    being victium isn't a shame, and is not your fault, hope you someday became a sex abused survivor.

    good luck to everything. bless you.

  • val

    Please don't be fooled by the practitioners of the bdsm lifestyle. It is NOT healthy, nor is it some form of therapy. It is, by virtue of its name, a threat to your deepest subconscious. Feeling "pleasure" from pain is an unnatural behavior that leads to multiple emotional problems. Loving your self is your first step. I once spent time in the "community" and i assure you that these people are in desperate need of help. NPD runs rampant as well as very severe low self esteem. The bdsm community, in theirown denial, will tell you that i is "normal" an "natural". I i NOT. It is self destructive behavior. Get help from a doctor

  • Anonymous-2

    I would definitely urge you to actually "decide" to believe that there are more healthier ways to deal with your pain. Choose to believe that there are people out there "choosing" to live a decent lifestyle, not everyone is untrustworthy or reckless in their behavior. Choose to believe you are a valued person and were made to love and be loved. This is a road of healing for you as you start to choose to believe and act in a healthy loving way. It really breaks my heart to here this terrible behavior done to you, therapy that helps you empower yourself and make choices for yourself will definitely lead you towards finding your self worth as a valued and lovable person, who I believe you absolutely are, the more times you choose to believe that, the more you are allowing yourself to receive love and break down your unhealthy thoughts. feelings and behaviors.

    Good luck to you!

    Take care =)

  • mark

    "bdsm dangers - val" doesn't know WHAT they are talking about. More FUD (Fear Uncertainty Doubt). Ignore that.

    There are PLENTY of people who have VERY HEALTHY and SUPPORTIVE relationships that practice BDSM. I think ONE of the problems, is that the people who ARE in healthy situations, are also probably married or attached - and MIGHT not always be the first people you meet in the "BDSM scene".

    There are PLENTY of people who end up conducting their sex lives in an unhealthy and dangerous manner, who never even try BDSM. But for some reason "alternative sex" gets blamed. People used to make the EXACT SAME ARGUMENT for gay and lesbian people. And it's JUST NOT TRUE.

    The real issue here I think involves the WAY we use our imaginations and ideas to become aroused. As people we use situation/story/smell/scenes to BECOME arroused - and often we use our previous history and experienced to kind of "re-trigger" sexual ideas in order to become aroused. And it's not a CHOICE - it's an automatic process that our minds do. Our brains WANT us to orgasm! It's actually one of the ways that we end up seeking out and connecting with others - which is a GOOD THING. Plus orgasms can be a great source of stress release, intimacy, and pleasure. We are made by DESIGN to have sex!

    All though I think for MANY people who have had a very "negative" sex upbringing find that those thoughts and desires are clear evidence of how "bad" they are. I think for many people, the submission/rape "fantasy" is really a way to "allow" themselves to have an orgasm, because it's not their "choice".

    Although a history rape is really going to put an entirely new layer of fear around sex. In the end, it sounds from your story - that you have NEVER been able to establish a "safe" and healthy sexual relationship of any type. And it might just be that you aren't really READY for such a thing. But your body will still continue to crave and desire sex, and you your fantasies of submission may NEVER go away (which is FINE! It's NOT THE FANTASY that's the problem - it's how you deal and respond to them!).

    There can be plenty of reasons (BPD for one, Post tramatic stress, etc) that interfere with your ability to emotionally connect with others! And "random" sex without a possibility of emotional connection might give a momentary connection, but sex is really just ONE of the ways we connect with others, and you really need to be ready to do that! And it's easy to find MEN (it's usually men) who might take advantage of your intense libido and desire to basically attempt to satisfy their OWN sexual needs. And you might be "self selecting" partners where the chance of real emotional connection is reduced. (A lot of people do that!).

    So I ENCOURAGE you to seek help! Get a good doc with a good diagnosis. And don't be ashamed! You don't have anything to be ashamed about. Not about your history of rape. Not about your sexual desires. Not about your self abuse. Not of the cutting. You have done NOTHING to be ashamed of!

    Dan Savage calls BDSM "Graduate Level" sex, since BDSM relationships really require a level of maturity and self understanding to be successful. You need to give yourself time and support to even just get to "good" and "healthy" sex. But seeing your sexual desires as the enemy is just endorsing the anti-sex agenda you got from your parents. They were wrong. God gave you sex!

    But CUTTING is not recommended! It can be dangerous. And the scars can be permanent. You can tell yourself all sorts of "I know what I'm doing" lies, but I've heard stories of people who cut too deep (physically and emotionally).

    If anything - I recommend PORN and MASTURBATION! Your sexuality NEEDS an outlet, and trying to suppress the so called "bad" fantasies is really a zero sum game - you will ONLY end up hating yourself more. Give yourself a break from relationships until you feel you are READY. You are ALLOWED to fantasize about being used and raped and humiliated. But you are NOT allowed to actually let that lead you dangerous situations or unhealthy relationships. Finding a healthy and safe outlet for those ideas is highly recommended.

    But when you ARE ready to start a HEALTHY sex life, and feel ready to be able to find and connect with people who will LOVE you back - DO NOT BE ASHAMED if you still desire submission and humiliation! Sex is a fluid thing, and our desires our often "involuntary". You CAN find somebody that will give a safe space to express and play with those sexual ideas, and probably appreciates finding somebody that THEY can also share their ideas without shame or retribution! You need to be able to start selecting potential partners with THOSE GOALS in mind also! You KNOW you are in a good relationship, because the other person will SUPPORT you in who you are, and what you want to be. And they will embrace your sexuality exactly as it is.

    SHAME IS THE ENEMY, and from your voice you seem to have layers and layers of it. Please get help!

  • Mockingbird12

    I have come a long way since I was probed by the fingers of an adult at age four, abused by someone I respected, then gang-raped in a very vile way by two men and a woman when I was 12. It seems like yesterday at times, but I am an adult now - a grandmother even. The type of self-abuse you describe could be me you are talking about, except I didn't have the internet to make connections with men/boys who would hurt me sexually. My therapist says I fussed pain with sex, not love. He is trying to help me work through that, but there are times I jab things into my vagina when I know I will have sex with my husband of more that three decades...and he has no idea I hurt myself in that way. I understand the need for pain with sex. It is as much about the pain and the feeling I deserve only to be hurt 'there', as it is about remembering the only 'pleasantry' associated with the time in my life. I had an orgasm when I was raped. I hurt horribly from the rape, then experienced a thing I tried over and over to replicate...but some of the elements were missing when I would go panty-less to school to allow easier access -- the pain was missing. I couldn't express that to them...the boys I was giving myself to, so...I learned to cause the pain first, then allow them whatever access they needed. I grew to hate myself and all the things I allowed, and to this day, I still carry shameful secrets I find impossible to release. I know one thing is certain, without the kind and non-judgmental support of my therapist, I would be dead today. I planned it out...even to the point of dumping out a glass of water and trading it for tea...since I don't like water. I figured my last drink of anything should at least be something I like. Then I found support and comfort in an on-line support group for rape survivors. A man was writing a book and asked for input from victim/survivors...and I thought, if I could help one person...just one. No, it wouldn't have been worth it - nothing would. But, I am here and alive, even though they tried to take the essence of who I am, and when finished using me, left me in a puddle of urine where he pee'd in my face as he told me what a sorry F&%^ I was...I lived through all of it - and so have you. You have allowed this mistreatment because you learned to be mistreated as your 'norm'...put as much effort and energy in finding help. Look into the face of your child...and into the mirror, and believe -- believe you deserve...and your child deserves better, because it is true. Think of it this way: No matter where you go, you take your child with you. Imagine your child seeing what you live through in your replicated scenes of abuse...you are a mother, and mothers do not expose their children to such abuse...and you - you are a child. You may be older in years, but your childhood was stunted by the things you endured, so...each time you lay beneath a man who will pummel you to get himself off...remember he is doing that to a child. Difference is, now you are a child with a choice. Make the wise one...get help while you still can. Make your world a safe place..for you, your birthchild...and your little-self. Bless you.

  • Thunder

    i have a slightly different view point on this. My view is you feal that in some way punishing yourself will clear the confushion you have for when you got raped why your body still felt good. So you want some controle by exploring BDSM. Its not your falt or even his falt that you were raped its at some point two people are so aroused by the other that they have a need to more forward but there bodys need over rides them. You cant help that it at some point felt good and some part of you liked it. Your confushion is why did that one part of yourself like it at all. Hear I will remove your confushion and be clear so you may understand. Just as our minds enjoy being aroused by our lovers there is the other side ware we like it rugher. BDSM gives you the means to not have controle witch is what at times we all feal we need to let go. You say you were raped. Rape is exciting but scary at the same time even though you did not want it some times what you dont want is what your body now is asking for. Its a head and body game. No your head dont controle what your body wants. Why do people fantasies about being raped yet they never do it. Why do people that are raped dont. Why do people eat durt or other foods or for no reason start craving something and no not what it is so they eat a lot of stuff till its found. If at any point the body and some of the mind liked something or is missing something it must hunt it down. Yes you ware raped. But being raped tells you something about yourself to. Your a victom but not of being raped. Your a victom of your fantasies and now your wondering witch makes your thoughts and body recall and wonder the what ifs. Thats the real thing to wonder the what ifs.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: Thunder makes a good point here. It *is* possible to revile the rape but have experienced some arousal during the act. This happens in cases of rape and cases of incest alike. That this may have happened does not mean that you wanted to be raped, or that you deserved to be raped or anything like that. It simply means that your body responded to the assault in a particular way. What makes this particularly hard to deal with is that you don't believe that you should have responded in this way and that it is wrong that you may have responded this way. It gets to the whole "Madonna/Whore" thing that gets laid down on women. Women are supposed to be pure and wholesome in order to remain acceptable, but in the process of beliving that this is how you are supposed to be, a whole side of experience becomes demonized. If/when you connect with this now taboo side of your experience, you risk perceiving yourself as an outcast/unworthy/shameful person. But this is simply not the case. If you were raped, you were a victim of that assault and it doesn't matter how aspects of that experience may have felt. A crime occurred. It may be that you are using BSDM experience as a way to "clear the confusion", but another way to look at the problem is that maybe both elements are true and that there is no confusion in the first place. Maybe you are both the good woman you thought you were and also the "bad" woman (where bad means only that you are capable of arousal under assault) and that there is no necessary conflict between these two positions.

  • Sky G.

    I was also "r", I was dating a guy for almost a year who started to behave in a controlling manner that was making me pretty sure he was leading into abuse... RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!!!! I decided I should end this realationship before I am in a position that I can't get out of easily. I went to his house and told him I was ending things. He proceded to hold me hostage and mentally, physically (both hitting and "r") and emotionally abuse me. It took some time before I was able to be with a man again... and when I was I just didn't get out of it what I thought I should. Then I started having fantasies, that I now know are BDSM, that were disturbing and made me think something was wrong with me... I turned to drugs and alcohol, cutting etc to ease the pain. When I went to rehab I was talking to my therapist who told me that nothing is wrong with me, what I am going through is completely normal... I was simply dealing with a bad situation that I had no control over and this is how my phyche is making sex not as scary for me anymore. I am drawn to the pain that is given to me by my Domme but it is truly the power exchange that is what draws me in deeper and deeper... After the incedent I was left feeling so violated (obviously) but the lack of control in that situation was too much for me to take. BDSM makes me feel safe and secure with what happened and who I became after that fateful day... I am happy to say that I now have come to a place of forgiveness, and pity for him... He is sick and has to live with it every day.... and thankful, Yes Thankful... He has inadvertently led me to the joys I find day after day in BDSM and my relationship with my Domme, I have learned a deeper understanding of trust and respect through my new lifestyle and for that I am eternally happy for this!!

  • livingdeadgirl

    lmost my exact same story. I was sexually abused by family members, then endured a series of sexual abuses by "friends" starting when I was 13. I too hope for suicide by bdsm...almost did it too. Ive been in the scene since I was 13, and never have done it the correct way. Always the most dangerous, the more unstable the better. Now...I have nothing. no outlet. im married, have 4 daughters and now live in the middle of fn nowhere so i get the remember every detail instead of drugging, drinking or punishing it away.

    i even looked up where to buy a gun today...i hate guns but that will make the end quick...and since im impulsive, that would leave little room for the guilt and second guessing.

    I am 30, ex meth addict, incest and sexual assault "survivor" and have been diagnosed with severe depression, borderline personality disorder and PTSD.

    I dont know what to do. I dont want to leave my children behind, but they deserve so much better than me.

  • scarloc

    I am very involved in the BDSM scene as a dom, and have know and have played with subs who have been raped, or been in abusive relationships. The first thing is to affirm to yourself that you enjoy giving control, there is nothing wrong with enjoying being submissive, nothing wrong with enjoying a scene, or pushing your limits. As long as it is safe sane and consensual.

    The key thing to remember is that as a sub you are the one ultimatly in control of the situation. I am sometimes asked to define the difference between ds and abuse. And there are really 2 key things. DS is about consent, and as a dom my role is to strip a sub back, take them to there lowest point, but NOT break them, then rebuild them if a scene is done well rebuilding them making them stronger, more confident, happier then they where before.

    An abuser does not care about consent, and will go out to break the person, and then keep them there.

    The most usual mistake that former abuse victims make is finding a dom who perpetuates that abuse cycle but calls it BDSM therefore making out that it is ok, and there is something wrong with the sub if they don't enjoy it.

    I am not saying BDSM is the way to overcome isues of rape or abuse, but in the case of those people I know it has helped them face ad then overcome. One friend of mine who was raped and had it affect her was put through a rape scene, at her request, the scene was as realistic as could possibly be made but was also safe and handled carefully. Afterwards she was brought back, and the result was that she overcame some of the key issues the rape had created, she had refaced it and won through. Again not the solution for everyone, but it can work for some.

    My advice is go out, discover your local BDSM scene, don't just look online. The scene is out there everywhere, and you wil be able to socialise, make friends and get to explore and find out about yourself. It is not all about sex or swapping, in fact many BDSM'ers dont do any of that, and are always happy to welcome a newbie, explain and teach them to be safe, and help them on there journey.

  • arkbg

    this made me cry... how much of her life couldve been saved if some small protections had been instilled into her as a child... i think a sub ive recently met, was headed down this path. im trying my hardest to get her into therapy. its like watching slow motion train wrecks sometimes

  • Anon7

    It is ever so common on these threads for some one in the BDSM community to explain how it is so normal and safe etc....

    As someone that has a hobby that can be dangerous, (High power rifle & pistol ) we usee safeguards BECAUSE we know there is DANGER. The BDSM / D/s community tout their safeguards in public but then say its a safe life style. Please be honest if it was SAFE there would not be SAFEGUARDS that you are supposed to follow!

    It is not safe. Esp the D/s side of things letting amature (at best) psychologists (doms) try to "train" and change a persons mental state to being is with out doubt dangerous and if done by a professional psychiatric worker would be criminal.. something to think about.

  • Mel JW

    Sometimes you try everything in your power to try and forget. You my turn to harming yourself and carry on harming yourself even when you know that it is bad and will only cause you to feel worse than you feel at the moment. But I have found that even sometimes when I don't want to be around people and don't want people to know what it is that I am going through that it still helps to know that there are people around you that care for you. This has also been the reason for me to pull back so many times before.

    I had always been quite religous before as well as you have been, which is also the reason for which I have fealt guilty, filthy, emarassed, I always regreted what I have done in the past, even if I had been the victime in the start. I had chosen to continue, when I had the chance to heal and to start a new I used it as an excuse and did things that weren't right and things that I had been taught not to do and to avoid.

    I had always tried to scramble together what ever faith it was that I had left but ended giving up on it. One day a friend from my religion came to see me it had been months since I had attended a get together (meating, church, going to place of worship) no one knew why it was that I was so distant but the visit surprised me very much, she gave me something to read it helped me a lot and I stoped doing the wrong and started to to the right things that I had been taught. It made me realise that everyone goes through a rough pach in their life were they just let go, but also that if I carried on it would be the cowards way out that I had to let go of the pain and start living my life as I had imagened it to be before and to do what was right by me not what was right by (them). I started becoming a more active member of my religion. There are only a handful people that know what has really happened in my life.

    I hope this helps you in your life and helps you realise that even if people don't know waht you are going through they may still help you with their actions or their words (or like in my case what they give you to read).

    Yours Sincerely,

    Mel

    (P.S. There are religions out there that will help you cope but you have to remember that not every religion is right and even if you struggle that if you find that religion you shouldn't let it go)

    P.P.S. Sorry if there is anything offensive.

    xox

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