We have been married for 35 years and I recently discovered (through receipt for M+S items) that he was in a different part of the country than what he told me he was and I was away on family business elsewhere. He lied in the text we exchanged. He lied in long conversations with me while apart. I had to force him to tell me, which he reluctantly did, that he went to see an ex girl friend that he says has mental health issues. He also admitted that he had seen her several times over the years and got her to come to London to see him several times. As I always felt that something else was going on, I feel I cannot trust him anymore because previously he had denied meeting other females and it was not true. What can I do to get him to talk about how much he has hurt me with his secretcy?
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Healthy relationships are based on honesty. When that suffers people cannot trust one another. The lack of trust is a major threat to the likelyhood that a marriage will last.
There is no way of answering the question of whether or not you should stay with your husband. Thirty five years of being together is nothing to be dismissed. It means that you have a lot invested in the marriage in terms of emotions, money and time. You will need to make that decision. I was interested to read that one of Hollywood’s oldest marriages came to an end when Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman ended their marriage of thirty years for similar reasons that you are complaining about. However, Perlman has economic security, wealth really, and you may not.
You and your husband need to talk and go to a good marriage therapist. The likelihood is that he has a different point of view on the marriage than you have. Rather than painting him as a bad man, it would be valuable to find out what issues got the two of you into this problem before you sue for divorce. Perhaps there are long standing grievances that the two of you, with the help of a good therapist, could resolve.
Best of Luck
Therapists are Standing By to Treat Your Depression, Anxiety or Other Mental Health Needs
Designed to Help You Feel Better Daily
Download Now For Free