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Why Can't I Get Over It?

Question:

I have been married for 24 years. Three years ago my husband’s ex-girlfriend befriended him on facebook and then asked him to keep the liaison secret, which he did. I found out a month after their involvement. She befriended him under the pretext that his nieces had visited and that she thought he would be interested in the pictures. She “poked” him twice when he did not respond. I later found a picture of her on his computer that he had kept from the picture of his nieces and none kept of his nieces. We have reconciled our relationship but I can’t let the liaison go and I think it is because his feelings for her are unresolved, although he states that he hates her for what she has done to us and our sons.

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Answer:

There is a great French movie and story called, “Les Liason Dangerous.” Please excuse possible incorrect spelling of the title. The movie was made into many versions but all of them hav e the same theme: a drama abuot a wife who had an intense,  trorrid, sexual affair that ulimately ended in murder and tragedy. My point is that, what you are describing as a “liason” between your husband and this woman, sounds neither dangerous or even a real connection.  Yet, you are responding as though he has been unfaithful.

It is also significant that you know he still has feelings for this woman in the face of his telling you that he hates her for how she has hurt him and all of you. How do you know that he has feelings for her or ever did?

What is going on for you that you cannot get over something that evidently never happened? Many couples find that their marriages run into trouble after so many years of being together. For example, I have worked with many people who complain that the frequency of sexual relations has reduced so much that it rarely occurs. What is interesting about this is that wives complain about their husbands losing interest in sex.

While I don’t know what issues might be upsetting your marriage, i suspect that this facebook liason is just a symptom of something that the two of you need to work on. Perhaps it is your sexual relationship, but it could be that there is an overall lack of interest in one another, a failure to be romantic with each other (not only sexual), worries about money or a whole host of other things.

You need to either sit down with each other and have a talk about your mutual problems and what you need to do to resolve them or go to a marriage therapist to help the both of you work things out.

Pleasel understand that I am suggesting that the two of you are experiencing a very common problem, that it is no one’s fault and that you it can be resolved.

Best of Luck

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