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NEED Him Not Want Him

Question:

I don’t trust my boyfriend 100% and worrying and being paranoid has really done a lot to me emotionally. He cheated on me once and I cheated on him once. He trusts me and at times I feel that I can really trust him, but when he talks about other friends that are girls I get worried and jealous, I think it’s because I’m afraid I might lose him. I don’t want to lose him and that’s why I’m paranoid. I love this guy to death. We’ve been together for 8 months and I don’t want to dump him or be away from him. I’ve dumped him many times before in the past just because I get so mad at him I feel it’s the only way to punish him. We argue quite a bit but with time I know things will get better. All I know is that I don’t want to be without him, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He threatens that if I leave him he’ll kill himself cause he’ll have nothing left to live for. He keeps secrets from his past from me cause he don’t feel comfortable telling me but yet his last g/f before me was with him for 3 months and he told her EVERYTHING. I don’t like that and I’m just stressing and not making any sense and I don’t know what to do. He’s really serious about me cause whenever I do dump him he always asks me back out and I recently found out that when he went to ‘A’ for a week on vacation he bought an engagement ring. I really do want to be with him forever but I don’t want to go through the pain that I would go through if he ever dumped me. I would just want to die…I can’t live without him. I NEED him, not want him… NEED him. I need advice though… I don’t know what I should do cause this relationship is just really stressing me out.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
  • ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
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Answer:

It’s hard for me to respond to your letter because there is so much that is frantic and hysterical in it. You seem like you must be very insecure, very dependent, very much unable to feel good about yourself if you are single. It’s not a healthy way to be at all, and it won’t help you to make good decisions about the men in your life. You’ve asked me for advice and I’ll give you some, but I don’t believe you’ll take it. My advice is that you are not psychologically ready to be in a healthy relationship right now and that you would be best off ending the one you are in now and swearing off men for a while (at minimum three months, but better to take a full year or more), taking the time to relax, and to work on yourself so that you can become less needy, less frantic, less addicted and more ‘centered’, and confident. Learn how to be single and happy with that (lots of people do it). I think it’d be a good idea for you to look into finding an adult mentor who you admire and who has her life together (really together in a way you’d like to emulate), and asking that woman for assistance when you are faced with hard life choices. This mentor might be a respected relative or teacher, or she might be a professional counselor. I think you should start paying more attention to interests you’d like to pursue (education? career? travel?) than to the men in your life. Then, when you’ve grown some, it will be time to reenter the dating game, hopefully calmer and more self-possessed. What do you think of that?

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