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Husband's Secretary Too Close?


Am I asking too much of my husband? We have a Christian marriage. I have moved 3 times for his job promotions, each time I have given up jobs that I enjoy. When I was in my 20’s I worked as a secretary in an office with 8 men. I would never go out to lunch with them. My husband was very jealous and I really had no desire to go out with them. He has a secretary,now, and he’s with her from 7:00 am to 8:00 pm. He goes out to lunch with her every day and they are seen around town together. Some of these trips are necessary, some aren’t. My problem is she wants to attend after hour functions with us because her husband won’t attend. Really, she rather attend with my husband and me stay home, Because she doesn’t want to infringe on our time. But when she goes with us. I am ignored and they talk company business the whole time. She sits between us and he talks to her the whole time. Am I being petty? If I was doing this to him, he wouldn’t like it but I am to go along with this. I feel after hours are our time. She can go on her own.

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Yikes! Is your husband looking for a reason to make you angry? To make you want to leave him? Because his behavior in this area is clearly inappropriate and somewhat dishonorable. As his wife, you should be the center of his attention and he should take time out — or make time, if necessary — to be with you as much as possible. This isn’t some idealistic fantasy scenario — for a marriage to work, it requires sacrifices from both parties. Now’s the hard part. You need to let him know that his behaviors regarding his secretary are disturbing to you. While he may be quick to poo-poo your concerns, you need to stand fast and hold your ground. Get him to realize he’s out of line here and compromise on how much time he spends with her. And if doesn’t see this as a problem, let him know that if it’s a problem for you, then it’s a problem for your relationship It needs attention, or else something may eventually give in the relationship. Good luck, – Anne

More "Ask Anne" View Columnists

  • Anonymous-1

    You have a right to be mad. Trust me he is cheating with her. Let me guess. She is younger than you. Leave him. I know from experience that he will never give up his new found love.

  • Teresa

    I work closely with my boss and would even consider him on of my best friends. People need to begin to respect the traditions of marriage and understand that a married man/woman is off limits. The problem is that our society has no respect for what being married means. If you can't trust your spouse, should you be with him? If he was having lunch with the same man every day, would you still be upset or assume he is turning bi-sexual or gay. Life is about communication and if you are not communicating with your spouse, do not blame it on the assistant. An assistant works very close 8 hours a day and part of their job is to protect their boss. A strong bond can develop during this time. I share an office with another assistant and I have found that we are able to have conversations in front of people that others can not follow because we are so in sync and can finish each other sentences at times even though we may not be trying to leave them out of a conversation. My girlfriend that works with me calls him my day time husband. While I feel close to my boss and his family, and am single, I have no desire to have an affair. I value the relationship we have and look forward to working in a positive work environment where we work like a well oiled machine.

  • anonymous but have been there

    Hopefully one day if you get married with children, you will not have a secretary or co-worker who tries to get too close to your husband. Many affairs start out as friends with no intention to go further. If no boundaries are set, as each day passes, two people may continue to grow close.

    Marriages unfortunately can't be perfect everyday...stresses some unexpected occur.. bills, a sick parent, a job loss, or in Petraus' case, separated from spouse for months at a time. There have been enough examples in the media of how affairs begin so the rest of us can learn.

    Remember, in Petraus' case, Broadwell chased . It was clear she thought he was a wonderful man and probably told him everyday -- unfortunately his wife from overseas could not. So please, keep your distance. Respect marriages.

  • Anonymous-2

    Well you worked as a secretary with 8 guys, you flirted with them and you indulged them.

    Guess now you know how it feels now =)


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