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I Have A Crush On My Husband's Friend

Question:

I have been married for the last 8 years. My husband and myself have been experiencing problems. We went to marriage counseling, but counseling has not been helpful. My husband and I still love each other, but we fight constantly. One night I went to a friend’s house and met another man (who I will call RJ) who I fell in love with on sight. The feeling I experienced were so intense, I now understand what people mean about Cupid’s arrow. 2 years latter, I still think about RJ non-stop. I have told my husband that I have a crush on RJ, and therefore would prefer not to be around RJ because I find it difficult. However, despite my request, husband has become close friends with RJ, and now I see RJ a lot. Personally, I think my husband enjoys watching my discomfort when I am around RJ. I know my feelings for RJ will go nowhere except to my heartache, but I am experiencing such intense feelings, that won’t go away. My husband wants me to talk with RJ, and tell him how I feel, and see what happens. Which is just a little too weird for me. Should I tell RJ how I feel, or let sleeping dogs lie?

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Answer:

I think you should let sleeping dogs lie. I see no benefit to you expressing to RJ that you have a crush on him. Doing so will violate the implicit boundary that surrounds your marriage and makes it special from all other relationships. It will likely cheapen your marriage and weaken your bonds. Maybe that is what your husband is wanting; to weaken your bonds. His encouragement of you to speak to RJ appears passive-aggressive to me, and suggests that he is angry but not expressing it directly. By “giving you” to RJ, he is maybe satisfying an urge to abandon you, or punish you in some manner. Either that, or he is, as you say, “weird” (as in sexually kinky) and trying to find a way to communicate it to you. I personally prefer the former explanation.

Your intense feelings for RJ are likely based on some sort of crush or “transference” reaction. You fell for him too quickly and too intensely for it to have been based on anything real and solid. You are realting to a fantasy of who he is and not to who he really is. If you pursue RJ, you are likely to smash into some behavior that makes you confront the fact that he is not who you think he is, and you are likely to become disappointed. If you were single and dating, that would be a fine experiment, but you aren’t single and dating just now. You’re married and I think wanting to stay that way.

The fantasy relationship with RJ is a projection of what you are wanting from your husband, I’ll bet. You can’t get it from your husband, but you still want it despairately, so you superimpose it onto the profile of someone you’re attracted to and voila, you’re head over heels. Rather than taking to RJ, the good thing to do would be to explore that fantasy of who you think he is, because that is going to be your map of what you are longing for in a mate. Getting clear on what you want will enable you to have a better and more explicit dialog with your husband about what you need from him in order to be satisfied in the marriage. You need to work on your marriage with your husband. Even though you’ve said that counseling has failed, I recommend that you both go back to couple’s therapy with a new counselor. That might not work either, but, then again, maybe a new therapist, a different approach and some time gone by will do the trick. You have nothing to lose really.

Marriage is about compromising. Just as you’ll need some things from him, he’ll need some things from you too, that you might not completely understand, but will need to accept if you’re to find a way to make it work. If you can’t mutually arrive at such a compromise place, you’ll likely keep fighting, which is in turn likely to be a sign that the marriage won’t ultimately work out (at least not with you feeling good about it). If that turns out to be the case, then you’ll be able to leave cleanly, and then get out there and find a new RJ you can really connect with.

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Comments
  • aylete thompson

    hi my wife did the same thing only worst she went and sleep with that man and then tell me he tried to rape her and for years I think that was the truth and so had this man at a distance until after 6 years she left me and went to try and see what it would be like living with him..did not work out and now she is struggleing to survive,,..

  • Joe Prieto

    Would it be possible that your husband has a fantasy of you having sex with another man and is pushing you towards that? A number of men like to fantasize about their wives with other men.

  • Mike

    Dr. Anne clearly does not place much emphasis on upholding ones integrity. An Aristotelean analysis of this lady would indicate that she implicitely told her husband she wanted to cheat on him and would if placed under the right conditions. Anne was so quick to classify her husband as being "passive-aggressive," but Anne, how would you react if your husband of eight years, not boyfriend or fling, told you he was sexually attracted to your friend and to keep them away from each other because God knows he cannot control himself? I would argue she was passive-aggressive by telling her husband this - she was telling him something she knew would hurt him because she was unhappy but could not confront him in a respectable manner. I think her husband wants to test her integrity - is he to blame? I would not doubt if she does not hold a job. From the limited information available, she makes no mention of her work, only her husbands, and how she is socializing at parties. Most people who hold jobs will work with people who they view as attractive, but it is nothing a married person should act impulsively on, nor should they tell their spouse about, because of course it is going to hurt them. If one married before they were mature enough to accept the responsibilities demanded of marriage and cannot control their impulses for other mates, then they should leave the marriage and get back in the dating scene. Unfortunately for this writer, if I am correct, that would mean she would also have to step into the job scene.

  • Anonymous-1

    About 9 years ago I met one of my husband's friends. I have had a crush on him ever since. I have been open with my husband about it and he's been acceptant to the idea. He's even teased me about having a threesome. I was at first uncomfortable admitting that I wanted to have sex with his friend, but I did. After that my husband used this to arouse me by telling me what he wanted his friend help him do to me. About a year ago, his friend was over and when my husband left the room, he kissed me. We began making out and my husband walked back into the room and joined in. As things progressed, we moved our actions into the bedroom and had the best sex ever. I was so turned on that this was happening. After it happened, I was worried that things would be weird between my husband and his friend, so I called him. I told him that I was really appreciative for what happened, and his only concern was that everything was ok with my husband. It was, in fact the sex between us improved and became more passionate than ever. A couple weeks later, it happened again, this time we were all sober. His friend stopped by after work, and just wanted to watch, but I attacked him and of course he gave in!!! This hasn't happened again since, but we have crossed paths many times. I am comfortable with this situation because his friend too is happily married. I find comfort in knowing that his kids are his life and he has great concerns about his marriage ending and being away from them. The same with our marriage. I feel like the emotions stop with sex, great sex and there is no way either of us (his friend or I) will stray from our marriage.

    The morale of my story: If you can disassociate your feelings between a crush and falling in love, take it to the next level. If you are worried in any way, don't!! My experience has been great. We have even gotten together as families for a few barbecues. This was pretty exciting knowing every time we caught eyes, we were thinking about the hot nights of sex!!

    Go For It!!

    Editor's Note: This is playing with fire. For every person who has the experience reported above, there are other people who have had a disasterous or difficult outcome. There is the issue of betrayal of trust. The issue of sexually transmitted disease transmission (and spread to the innocent partners). There are many such reasons why it is not advisable to have an affair.

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