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My Snoring Is Pushing Him Away

Question:

I’ve been having a problem for the last year with snoring. My husband has put up with it(as have I) hoping the situation would improve. It has not. This week he moved out of our bedroom and into the spare bedroom. He is fixing up the room to his liking, moving books in, fixing up shelves, etc. I feel very hurt by all this, although I understand, because he was losing a great deal of sleep due to my snoring. I’m becoming more depressed about it. I have an appointment in December to have the problem checked out medically, but I’m not sure what to do about our relationship. We don’t have the greatest relationship anyway, and counseling really hasn’t helped because he doesn’t really seem to be able to – or is not motivated – to make the necessary changes to help make our relationship better. Even the counselor said, “What you see is what you get,” with him. In the meantime, I feel that we’re roommates living in the same house. We have two children, ages 12 and 8, and if it weren’t for them, I guess the relationship would be over, but I don’t really want to end the relationship. I love my husband, but I’m not sure what to do at this point in my life. Any suggestions?

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

At this point in your relationship, you must weigh what’s important to you. Your snoring problem is only a surface problem between you and your husband, and is something that can be helped through different methods, depending on the severity. Once the snoring is helped, is your husband going to move back into your bedroom with you? Where is the intimacy in your relationship, and are you staying together for your children? These are questions you must face and deal with. You say you love your husband, however, you are not happy with your relationship right now. Is your husband happy? Possibly, your husband needs some space as this point, and is using your snoring problem as a means to gain that space by moving into his own room. Are you satisfied with this decision for now? And, if he doesn’t intend on moving back into your room with you, will that be ok? Many people today do not share the same bedroom, and if it’s ok on both parts, it can be something that’s not a bad thing. Oftentimes, these people cannot get a good nights rest while sleeping together — or even in the same room, for various reasons. And, these people find different ways to be close, and to be intimate, and still uphold a strong relationship. But, if the closeness and intimacy is lacking in your relationship, and you aren’t both at ease with it, you will need to stand up for what you want, and face the necessary changes. Best of luck to you, – Anne

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    I have the same problem going on right now. My snoring is causing a rift between my husband and I he is an extremely light sleeper. He snores too, but that does not bother me and I accept it as part of the compromise of a relationship. He depicted my snoring in a manner that makes me feel I have to sleep elsewhere which is the couch right now. I am going to try a CPAP and if that does not stop the snoring, there are two options left: put another bed in the spare bedroom and I sleep there forever or end the marriage. I do not know what I will do until I see if the CPAP works or not. Following that it may be decision time I guess so he can have his rest. I believe my problem is part of getting older due to the muscles losing their firmness. He has not been very compassionate about the situation and I feel like a villain doing something "on purpose."

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