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Husband Wants A Divorce

Question:

My husband ask me for a divorce the other day. I am devastated. He said I’m not the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. It’s over. We have been together for 5 years. When its good , its really good. But when its bad its miserable. He blames me for almost all of our arguments. I suggested counseling, separating,seeing a pastor. He refuses. The day after he broke the news, I noticed he took his ring off. I am so hurt. He said he is setting the stage. I feel like he is breaking his commitment to our marriage before we even file. Please advise me, how should I react? Thanks.

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Answer:

First, let me say that you have my sympathy. You’re confronted with a very difficult, very painful turn of events, and I wish you well in navigating yourself through them.

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p> Generically, you can think of relationships in trouble as either being savable or not. To fall within the category of savable relationships, both partners must still want to save the marriage, and be willing to work to make the relationship work. There must be a continuing spark of attraction and loyalty in both partners or the relationship will fail. If that spark has extinguished in one or both partners, then the relationship is dead, and no amount of work by a single partner who still feels that flame will bring it back. One partner working alone cannot save a relationship.

<

p> It seems to happen often enough that one partner’s flame of attraction and loyalty dies out without the other knowing that this has occurred. The partner who is leaving has time to get used to the idea that their love is dying, and can grieve in their way, while the other partner doesn’t have this knowledge, and gets caught by surprise when the bomb ultimately drops. The leaving partner has already grieved prior to this event and remains cool while the left-behind partner goes into shock.

<

p> It looks to me that this pattern I’ve described is a fair approximation of what you’re describing yourself caught up in. If you agree, the right move is to accept that the relationship is dead and not waste time and energy trying to rekindle something that is already dead. Go scream and wail and cry (as you would at a funeral), and then figure out what your life will look like post-divorce. Get yourself a lawyer and look out for your interests. The world is ever-renewing, and if you give yourself some time, you will find your way.

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Comments
  • Mrs. Smith

    My husband did the same. I am devastated. My heart goes out to you. Marriage is a promise and when that promise is broken, there is no word to match the pain one feels.

    I believe it is highly unlikely I'll ever stop loving him. He was the love of my life. Through my devastation and tears, I look at him and remember so many of your fineest moments. I wish he saw that, too.

  • Anonymous-1

    Oh how my heart goes out to you as I am experiencing the same thing. We are divorcing because my husband has given up. How devastating it has been and I've felt like I can't even breathe on certain days. He is the love of my life even though we've had some terrible arguments. I love him and I believe as with you, Love never fails. Don't give up if your heart won't let you....

  • Anonymous-2

    I'm in the same position today. My husband wants a divorce and I don't. I still love him and he wants his freedom. Marriage is a partnership where both work on the relationship. Unfortunately, it seems easy for some to ask for a divorce when things are not picture perfect rosy. My husband wants to live his life without me. I am sad, but I can't make him be with me if he doesn't. I don't understand how love can fade so matter of factly.

  • Anonymous-3

    I understand how you feel. My husband just asked me for a divorce and I don't want one. I was devasted, most days all I can do is cry and have a hard time breathing...I don't understand what went wrong. I feel stupid

  • Anonymous-4

    Two weeks ago my husband said I'm selling the house and I want out. We have had problems in the past, but he only went to therapy withme once and said I dont want to work on this. Sex only twice in the past year and we used to have an amazing sex life. I am hurt, scared, constantly crying. He won't give any concrete answer as to shy. He is just done. We have been married over 10 years(2nd) and I feel like my whole life is falling apart. He says he still loves me, doesn't want lawyers involved and swears there is no one else. By the way he has gained 50 lbs through the years and I have been told I am beautiful and smart(not by hime) he doesn't work or have health insurance without me. What is going on? he says he has no plans to live anywhere but he still wants out. I cannot wrap my head around this. And he still calls me at work like nothing has changed. He is sending so many mixed messages I feel like I am losing my mind.

  • Anonymous-5

    I asked my husband to get help who has bipolar disorder. My children did as well and he refused. He moved out, stopped paycheck, spent money and does not want responsilbility anymore. The day after he moved out he decided to get help but still wants divorce. He keeps flip flopping. Has had several episodes because he never keeps appointments and blames everyone else for what he does. Home seems more peaceful without him.Worried about how we will live. His children were his life so i do not understand. Never thought this would happen but it can be the best thing or the worst thing. Only time will tell.

  • Anonymous-6

    My husband came home one day and wanted to move out. I asked why, he said he confused and needed time alone. Later I found out that he's been having affair with some woman he met in the internet and kept it secret for many months.

  • Anonymous-7

    I read the comments about those of you suffering through divorce and I feel your pain. My husband recently left me a month ago and without any warning. I'm devastated, but at the same time, found out a few alarming things about him. I'm sad for the loss of our life together, but looking forward to new beginnings. Unfortunately, if one spouse is moving forward, there isn't a whole lot you can do. Just focus on you.

  • Anonymous-8

    I feel for you, i really do. Marriage is a commitment made between two who were supposed to love each other.

    i fear that i was the "fool who rushed in" because of fear of being alone, i loved at the start however that love faded due to the lack of affection and the increase in being controlled and critisized.

    i'm away for 2 weeks out of 3 and that week i'm home i would have to do all the house and yard work because it was never done, if i wanted a propperly cooked meal i would have to cook (i don't mind cooking) but she would complain about everything how i did the house work and the yard and the how the meals were cooked. sex is non-existant its been years (i think i've forgotten how). My life is a mess, i'm made to feel so low, so guilty at myself for wanting to leave.

    i have to agree with your statment about one partner loosing their love and grieving while the other has no idea.

    Trust me guys don't just wake one morning and decide that its over and the love is gone, there are signs they may be hard to notice but they are there.

  • judy

    I'm in shock, after 11 months of marriage my husband told me he wanted a divorce. The next day he called to tell me he contact an attorney and that I would be getting a letter. I was so clueless. He was acting depressed over the last few weeks and definately less affectionate, yet still kissing me good bye in the morning and calling me babe. When I asked him what was going on he said he went to see a therapist. He said he wasn't sure if it was his family,friends, work or us that was making him sad. We did have some arugments over minor things ( phone calls etc..) but no knock out/drag out fights. He said he is not confident that counseling would help and doesn't want to take that step. What I am blown away by is the fact that he had seen an attorney weeks before and just pretend to live life normally. I never knew he was considering divorce nor did he ever express to me that he was so upset with us that he might take this action. He never gave me the opportunity to fix anything that might be affecting the way he was feeling. It really is so frustrating. Why he is rushing this confuses me too.

  • Anonymous-9

    My wife of 15 years has told me she loves me but that she realy doesnt like me I am devistaed I feel like a shell of a man. I know for a fact her plans are to divorce me, I dont want a divorce I would die for this damn woman ! How can she out of the blue decide this crap! If we do get divorced i will never marry again and I will brain wash my son to never marry. Or maybe marry a no- american woman because atleast they seem to respect their men..I know so many men who are dealing with the same shit i am right now!

  • Anonymous-10

    My husband recently told me he loves me but is not in love with me...What a bunch of crap. He has not seen a lawyer or moved out, but he is sleeping in the guest room. I just kept my cool and said ok.

    Ladies, men are differnt creatures truly ( no offense to men reading this) and sometimes just need time alone to figure stuff out. So I'm just going to wait it out. Luckly I know lots of couples who have been married for a long time and they all have been through the same thing. Couples fall in and out of love all the time..

    So if your husband has told you he wasnt a divorce, just leave hime alone for a few weeks, reconnect with friends, workout, volunteer, do anything but hound or nag him. Make sure you look your best, wear make-up, fix your hair..but the main thing is to get a life....remember he married you for a reason, you just need to remnd him why!!!

  • Anonymous-11

    My husband recently asked me for a divorce. I just lost my job too. My whole life is in ruins and all I do is cry. I suspected an affair when he asked but, could not figure out how to find out. So, I went to Verizon.com and found he had been talking to some women he met. He claims nothing physical but, I don't know. He only comes here to shower. I always pray he will wake up and come home to me too. He also claims that he just doesn't want to be with me and the other women has nothing to do with it. I have checked records and he hasn't talked to her but I wonder still if they are meeting up. He claims I wasn't giving him enough affection but, he doesn't want to work on it. We have been married 4 years but, together 11.

    I am so sad, what can I do?

  • Denise

    My husband of thirty six years announced one day he was unhappy with his life and it wasn't me it was him. He left me with no prior warning and has been gone for seven months. He hasn't talked to me or seen me. He filed for divorce and I still haven't been given a real reason other than I will never change and he's done. For crying out loud what does the man want? I've had unconditional love for him and all his faults for years. This is what made him endearing to me. His cruelty has been beyond belief. He hasn't really talked to his kids or seen his adorable grand babies. His hatred for me and his rejection has devastated me. I'm finally getting my life in order and coming to terms with being single at the age of 62. I don't know if there's someone else and at this point I really don't care. His motive it seems at this point is greed because I have given him ample opportunity to reconcile and dismiss the case. But, he continues to carry on this divorce by himself. I know everyone is saying she must be a horrible person, so he had to run away. Not true. I was loyal and devoted and served him dinners fit for a king, kept the house clean and tried to initiate thoughtful conversation. I really tried to be the best wife and mother I knew how. As I look back there are certainly things I wish I could have done to avoid this. But, I figured things were working for us after thirty six years. I thought we communicated very well. After all, we built a house together. He did the things he could do on the house and I did the things I could do to help. Then, after we had planned retirement and the home was moved into, he just checked out. The kids were devastated at his immaturity and selfishness to abandon me and them. They still don't understand. But, it's his decision and whether or not he's depressed or has mom issues from his past, we can't help him there because he refuses to get counseling or talk about anything of substance. The divorce to him is like ordering a meal, it seems. Everything is so matter of fact. The man acts like he has no heart and can't remember any of the good times. He only remembers the negatives about the marriage. I, on the other hand, see the negatives as part of life and as something to learn from. I never thought of them as a reason to divorce. Again, it's that unconditional love I'm able to have whereas he only sees confrontation and he can't take confrontation. It's bizarre to think that a marriage of thirty six years isn't worth even going to one counseling session. He's really gone off the deep end and it's very hurtful to everyone. But, I think we are stronger now and his shenanigans aren't going to get us down as a family. I still have two wonderful sons and two adorable grand kids and we are sticking together despite his efforts to bring us all down. It seems like he's trying to punish us or something. Very sad and strange at the same time. Life is too short to let someone else ruin it. I'm determined he won't ruin mine and if he thinks he had it so bad with us as his family, then so be it. He'll just have to find a new family, We really don't need him if he doesn't want to reciprocate our love.

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