My husband has been having an affair for two years. We have since been to counseling and concluded that we want to stay and grow together in our marriage. We did beautifully in counseling, our communication was great and he said all the “right” things. Now we spend a great deal of special time together along with our two children. He tells me how much he loves and needs me, and that he is so happy with our closeness. I love the attention I am receiving and our relationship appears to be heading in the right direction. So what is my problem you ask? He is still deceiving me. Unknowing to him I have been monitoring his mobile phone bill and he is still calling her three times a day. He is also still paying for some of her bills. (I know, I am deceiving him by spying). When I ask him if he is still in contact with her he denies everything, straight faced and with heartfelt sincerity. He tells me I shouldn’t be bothered with rumors because people are just trying to hurt us. He called her while we were on vacation together. I was ready to forgive and move on with our lives but I don’t know how to deal with all the lies and deception. He has all of his important mail sent to a P.O. Box because once I opened a credit statement of his and he came unglued. He said I have no right and that I have violated him. He almost moved out because he can’t handle my prying into his personal business. Every time I look I find something. I’m afraid that if I present him with the proof of his lying we will have a repeat episode of him leaving and I’m not ready to deal with that. I hate myself for being so weak. I have been on anti-depressants since I found out about his affair and now I believe I will never get off knowing what I know. We have been married ten years. I know he loves me but I am so confused. What is he up to?
- ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
- ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
- Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
- ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. ‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
There is something just offensive and foul-smelling about your husband’s behavior. It would seem that he is up to continuing his affair and staying married to you at the same time. What are you up to is the better question. Of course you are depressed. Your situation is depressing!!! The vital spirit of your marriage has died and you remain clinging to the shell! The way I see it you can either remain silent (and depressed) or you can bring this out into the open, risking your husband leaving you and your being on your own (for a time). Neither of these are easy choices and I won’t judge you for going in either direction. But, if there are no truly insurmountable financial or other reasons for why you can’t risk being on your own, I’d say you owe it to the part of you that can’t stand the odor anymore to clear the air.
Designed to Help You Feel Better Daily
Download Now For Free