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Lying, Cheating Husband


My husband has been having an affair for two years. We have since been to counseling and concluded that we want to stay and grow together in our marriage. We did beautifully in counseling, our communication was great and he said all the “right” things. Now we spend a great deal of special time together along with our two children. He tells me how much he loves and needs me, and that he is so happy with our closeness. I love the attention I am receiving and our relationship appears to be heading in the right direction. So what is my problem you ask? He is still deceiving me. Unknowing to him I have been monitoring his mobile phone bill and he is still calling her three times a day. He is also still paying for some of her bills. (I know, I am deceiving him by spying). When I ask him if he is still in contact with her he denies everything, straight faced and with heartfelt sincerity. He tells me I shouldn’t be bothered with rumors because people are just trying to hurt us. He called her while we were on vacation together. I was ready to forgive and move on with our lives but I don’t know how to deal with all the lies and deception. He has all of his important mail sent to a P.O. Box because once I opened a credit statement of his and he came unglued. He said I have no right and that I have violated him. He almost moved out because he can’t handle my prying into his personal business. Every time I look I find something. I’m afraid that if I present him with the proof of his lying we will have a repeat episode of him leaving and I’m not ready to deal with that. I hate myself for being so weak. I have been on anti-depressants since I found out about his affair and now I believe I will never get off knowing what I know. We have been married ten years. I know he loves me but I am so confused. What is he up to?

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There is something just offensive and foul-smelling about your husband’s behavior. It would seem that he is up to continuing his affair and staying married to you at the same time. What are you up to is the better question. Of course you are depressed. Your situation is depressing!!! The vital spirit of your marriage has died and you remain clinging to the shell! The way I see it you can either remain silent (and depressed) or you can bring this out into the open, risking your husband leaving you and your being on your own (for a time). Neither of these are easy choices and I won’t judge you for going in either direction. But, if there are no truly insurmountable financial or other reasons for why you can’t risk being on your own, I’d say you owe it to the part of you that can’t stand the odor anymore to clear the air.

More "Ask Anne" View Columnists

  • Anonymous-1

    Men want a friend that they sometimes dont have in their spouse and sometimes they have much more daring and dirty sex than they could ever have with their wife.

    A wife is sometimes a mother to them and they are not anymore attracted to her and view her as their caretaker or a mother of their children. They could also be bored sexually with their wife. Men cannot go against their strong instinct to "spread the seed" This seem to be a very strong instinct in some men.
    My own father was like that. He loved my mom and never wanted to leave her but he needed to have other women. He loved the seduction game and it did lots for his well being as without it he would feel like a bird in a cage.
    It is good not to be jealous. I dont really know if my own husband ever cheated, he always went to Europe alone. I dont really care we have great sex and he adores me.

  • lisa

    I just got out of a similar relationship. Every time I snuck and looked into something, I found out more lies. I heard he had cheated on me, which he denied, so I downloaded spyware software onto my computer so I could see what he was doing. The VERY day I downloaded that software, he went out to meet up with one of his buddies. As soon as he left, I checked the computer and he'd written emails to this woman saying he'd be right over and how he couldn't wait to see her.

    Get out of this relationship. Yes, it's giving up on a decade old relationship. But what are you staying in it for? He's lying to you and manipulating you. You honestly have no idea what else he is doing b/c you don't know what you haven't caught. If you've caught him in a few things by looking, then he is surely doing more.

  • Julie

    Well, seems like we are all on the same boat. Except I am in such a fragile state after discovering the affair (4 years ago), reconciling (2 year ago). I know, yes I KNOW, he still lies to me all the time, but everytime I confront him (which I do - I keep nothing inside) I get some BS story that I am supposed to accept. I'm 46, no children, in good shape except for being depressed because as Anne says it is a depressing situation. My stomach constantly hurts cause I know I am being deceived. Why do I accept this? Why can't I leave? Financially I'm fine.

  • Anonymous-2

    I Found out that the man i been living for 15 years with and have 2 children, 5 year old and 1 year old, that he's been texting a and calling a women at least 5 times a day. I found the text my mistake, my child was playing with his cell phone. When confronted he told me that they were just friend and she's using him to get her boyfriend jealous and to marry her. I truly don't buy this story. I have think about leaving with the option of leaving my kids with him (which I will never) leave him and take my kids with me but financially I can't. He said he would never see or talk to her again. I found that he still calls her. He thought I don't know her work number. Its only been a few calls. It hurts that I don't believe him in the first place but now I think he sees her rather than calling her. He knows I can check his account. He's a sales person, so he has no office hours. Most of his time is spend outside. I am thinking of saving up for a year and take my kids with me but I don't know if I am strong enough to do that. I pray that when I'm financially secure I have the strength to do this. I truly hate him for not confessing when I confronted him. I told him he break my heart into pieces.

  • Anonymous-3

    This August 2nd lady seems to be interested only in sex and not in love..... Sorry to be too honest! She has an abnormal case and lives like an animal (the female is not jealous). This person has accepted her case as it is and is not willing to bear the pain.

  • Little T

    I grew up knowing that I will NEVER let a man think that I need him more than me. I set myself up for a lifetime of disappointment. I was in a loveless marriage for 11 years. I was emotionally beaten to the point of depression and yet I still stayed "for the child", its just easier, any excuse you could think of. I put myself into a bottomless pit that was so dark I wouldnt wish anyone in it. One day I finally snapped, saw the light and realized something - I AM WORTH IT. Say that ten times and believe it because no matter what - you are. A lot of times woman use the excuse - money, job etc. I had a job, money. Why did I stay??? Because I didnt think I was worth anything. I did finally move out on my own with my child, get divorced and it feels great. Dont ever let yourself believe that you are nothing.


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