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Can You Help Me Save My Relationship?

Question:

For the first time in my life I am the one in the relationship that is head over heels in love. I’ve been deeply in love before but never wanted to settle down with someone. Now I do and I feel as though I am being punished for how I have acted in previous relationships. My current boyfriend and I live together and like my track record has proven, our first year of bliss is nearing disaster. We have both become so defensive that we can not seem to go more than two days without getting into an extremely emotional argument. Usually those arguments lead to disappointing realizations that he doesn’t think the same way as me or value the same stuff that I do. He makes me feel like I am someone I know I’m not. He can turn a comment with the best of intentions into a blown out argument that usually has him leaving and me left balling. I never know what to do, I feel as if I lost it. I can not seem to get past thinking that arguments are not just stepping stones that couples cross rather,I seem them as huge boulders that get in my way. I feel that at that point, looking back at our journey those boulders have messed up our perfect path. I start to give up, shut down and lose hope as if its ruined beyond repair. I love him, but I feel emotionally abused and misunderstood. Can you help me save my relationship?

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

I doubt that I could. And given what you are reporting with regard to the frequency and intensity of your fighting, I doubt that you or your boyfriend could save the relationship either. That much fighting is not healthy. If you want to soldier on and try to fix things, however, the best way will be for you to get your boyfriend and go to see a relationship therapist for marriage therapy. You two need to learn how to not get into fights so easily, and how to accept differences between one another without getting frantic and abusive. A good therapist might be able to help you with these issues.

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