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Can You Help Me Save My Relationship?

Question:

For the first time in my life I am the one in the relationship that is head over heels in love. I’ve been deeply in love before but never wanted to settle down with someone. Now I do and I feel as though I am being punished for how I have acted in previous relationships. My current boyfriend and I live together and like my track record has proven, our first year of bliss is nearing disaster. We have both become so defensive that we can not seem to go more than two days without getting into an extremely emotional argument. Usually those arguments lead to disappointing realizations that he doesn’t think the same way as me or value the same stuff that I do. He makes me feel like I am someone I know I’m not. He can turn a comment with the best of intentions into a blown out argument that usually has him leaving and me left balling. I never know what to do, I feel as if I lost it. I can not seem to get past thinking that arguments are not just stepping stones that couples cross rather,I seem them as huge boulders that get in my way. I feel that at that point, looking back at our journey those boulders have messed up our perfect path. I start to give up, shut down and lose hope as if its ruined beyond repair. I love him, but I feel emotionally abused and misunderstood. Can you help me save my relationship?

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

I doubt that I could. And given what you are reporting with regard to the frequency and intensity of your fighting, I doubt that you or your boyfriend could save the relationship either. That much fighting is not healthy. If you want to soldier on and try to fix things, however, the best way will be for you to get your boyfriend and go to see a relationship therapist for marriage therapy. You two need to learn how to not get into fights so easily, and how to accept differences between one another without getting frantic and abusive. A good therapist might be able to help you with these issues.

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Comments
  • Ashley

    I am in a relationship with the father of my child, i cheated on him for 9 months with 2 different people. I always lied to him about everything whether it was where i was going and who i was with. I had a secret email account and i was text messaging and writing notes on facebook. I would like to explain more and talk more about and get help, but i have never done this before so i dont want to explain my life story and have this not work!

  • sandra

    i would like to know now some answers to my question concerning about preventation of my boyfriend from cheating on me.I have been cheated on before and i don't want it to happen again

  • Katie

    I have the same problem. My boyfriend and I were the perfect couple at first. We clicked right away and the chemistry was just crazy. But reality kicked in real soon and we started arguing a lot. Until now get into heavy arguments, where none of us is really listening and always out talk each other. But I realized and have noticed that whenever I do listen and let him talk without interrupting him, I get the same feedback. I always thought that if you can be so good with someone and laugh and enjoy each others company so much, you can manage to sit down and listen, even if it's something you don't want to hear. My boyfriend is so honest that sometimes he's too honest it hurts. But the truth always hurts. We got into an argument a few days ago again, and I finally found the strenght to just leave and stay at my friends house for a few days. Some time apart can work wonders. Sometimes your relationships can get so intense that you forget yourself and who you are before you two got together. I think it's important to seperate yourself for a while and think with a clear mind and start missing each other again. That's what I'm trying to do right now. And I really do miss him and the other way around. I belive that if you really want to make it work you can, but both of you have to be willing to. I wish you all the luck!

  • Jake

    My wife had an emotional affair with my brother in law the last several months with text and calls constantly. I finally got my wife because she overdosed on some anxiety drugs and sent naked pics to him. I was hurt. I am dealing with it right now. My best advice is be honest. Don't wait for him to find out. Good Luck.

  • DESAREY

    Me and my boyfriend been together for 2 years and a half and we have a son together, but lately we been argueing a lot... The thing here is that we live in houston,tx we been living here for 1 year were from el paso,tx. I always tell him that I want to go back because we dont know no one from houston and I miss my family but he dosnt want to but know that hes getting in touch with his friend know he tells me that we should go back. I just think that hes choosing his single life and preffer to hang out with friends but I can let him because I dnt trust him im really jelous because he did me wrong and know I cant trust him. I dont know wat to do, eather to just split or keep on trying, or if theres anything else I can do??? Please I need some advice asap!

  • Anonymous-1

    My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half. We are to be getting married in the next couple months, but I am on the verge of losing him and I'm not sure what do to. I love him more than anything and all I want is to be with him. It is mainly my fault and I've realized that, I have mood swings and I'm not a very patient person. I have suggested we try premarital counseling but he doesnt seem to thrilled with the idea. He is just ready to give up, but I know we have a great relationship outside of my mood swings(and I am working very hard to control this and seeking help). I know this is worth fighting for, how do I get him to see that?? Please anyone with any advice?

  • Anonymous-2

    You have no idea, how similar our relationships are. Really, my boyfriend of one year, endure these same issues, every couple of weeks. It's like some monster, that just keeps coming back ever couple weeks. Every time I truly honestly believe we'll split up, but we never do. I'm going through one of those "emotional fights" as we speak. I love him, but when we're in a fight, I can't stop crying, but afterwards, when we make-up, we talk it through. Wait for a good mood to come around (it will, eventually, be patient.) and then just ask him what he doesn't like about the relationship, and discuss it out. You'll be alright. Good luck honey.

  • stacy

    dear anyone cheating, my heart goes out to you! It is a a soul killing monster! be strong, admit when you have done something wrong, and stay away from places, people, or things that trigger deciet. We are all human,but, you have the choice to get up or not! So you are responsiable for the things you do! My boyfriend would come home after being with someone and beat me up! A nightmare for me ! Hell for him! I hope you show stregth the next time you want to betray someone you love ,,in all aspects, with tender loving care!totally abused with a great heart towards loving dumb people ! get it together please! stacy

  • Jessica

    I know how you feel. With my boyfriend he flirts ALL the time and I'm not jealous but I've never been in love like this before. I dont want him to leave me but, everytime I acted jealous and wanted to tell him not to do certain things i felt like i was just complaining and that I was ruining my own relationship. BUT THE SECRET TO SAVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS STEPPING BACK AND ANALYZING THE TWO OF YOU. DON'T GET ON YOUR SELF SO MUCH. YOU MUST REALIZE THAT you both have your faults in your relationship, dont worry about it so much he'll sense it :).... take a step back and do something nice for him and realize what you can do to make it easier on the both of you. YOU LOVE EACH OTHER DONT WASTE YOUR TIME GETTING MAD AT EACH OTHER THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE WORTH GETTING MAD AT AND YOUR SPOUSE ISN'T ONE OF THEM. :) GOOD LUCK (honestly)

  • billy

    your post touch my heart am here to tell you that your not alone i fight with my girl every day am in a argument with her right now while writing this It hard sometimes to be in a relationship i thought i had loved before but now i know how love really feels i never love someone like i do now. how every its not healthy at all to fight every other day and the reason why am here at 112am cause i know you feel like your alone, how every your not cause there to much people in the world for one or two people to go threw breathless feeling. i thought i was the only one going threw this me and my girlfriend is in a long distance relationship. an i was never the type to cheat on any of my xgirlfriend that not a man. i try so hard to make her happy and yea some times i do make mistakes but we human i change who i am has a person just so my love could except me i did the most crying i ever did in my hole life. i feel like i cant breath like my life some time is like a little ball i even have anxiety sometimes cause i never know what the next argument coming. what am trying to say is that i feel your hurt and sorrow and at this point only god could help me that how i feel i hope the best for you guys

  • broken hearted

    Me and my darling, have been together for about a year now, it is so hard to feel like he still loves me like he once did. i try hard to get him to get off of his computer and come lay with me or come hold me. I feel like it will never be the same. I make the mistake of threatening to leave everyday but i sometimes feel like its the only option that i have left. He says that he still loves me the same and i will admit most of our problems Started because of me. I try to stay sweet and nice but he willl say something that will break my heart and i feel so unwanted. But then there are days that i feel so special and like im the only thing inthe world that will make him happy. Right now i feel like he says miserable more than he does happy, and i feel like i feel more miserable than happy to. I Dont know what to do. But when i feel like this i remember how in love with him i still am.

  • Amanda Black

    I was in a 5 yr relationship with a man i loved so dearly.The first six months was wonderful.We used to talk and share our thoughts,our fears....Something happened..We (he) stopped being honest .It created a whirlwind of insecurity.The more i became insecure because of his dishonesty,the more it spiralled and we spent 4 and a half years of arguments,despite the fact that we loved eachother.I truly believed that love conquered all.It doesnt....I left him 7 moenths ago.It was the most painful thing i ever did,but you know...Now i realise it was the best thing i could haver done.You deserve happiness.Im sorry if you dont wish to hear this,but there is life beyond him............

  • charlie

    i cheated on my boyfriend with a married man a few months ago and now he has found out it was a one time thing i had no feelings for this man at all but i was pissed off and angry with my boyfirend for watchin porn i should of told him months ago that i hated the fact that he was watching it. Now that he has found out we talked about it i lied to him the first time saying that nothing happened but then i confessed. we are stuck in the middle of this because we live together i broke his heart and betrayed him. we are talking about it and trying to figure things out. i love him to bits and dont want to break up i really dont know what i would do without him i havent stopped crying for days i feel like crap and it never should of happened. i need advice of what to do. i have a toattoo of my boyfriends initials now i wanted to prove to him that i have changed.

  • anonymous

    Hello!

    I am having some problems with my relationship and I really need someone's advice and I would be greatful if You reply to my comment. My boyfriend and I have spent almost two years together...but he cheated on me once. We broke up when I found out about the other girl but we got back together a month later. Two months later we broke up again because we fighted a lot. He had a relationship with another girl a few weeks later, but he desperately came back begging me to get back with him. He changed, he started focusing more on our relationship,surprising me with gifts and flowers and he became a different man. Here is the problem.. a few months later we fight a lot but only for a few minutes or hours and then we talk again like we used too. But sometimes he is aggresive and nervous. He hangs out more with his friends. It seems like he is bored of our relationship sometimes. The truth is we hadn't made love yet..cause I don't feel ready.. we just make out.I don't feel loved by him, I mean.. he should pay me more attention. Is there any way to save this relationship and make it better?

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