Question:
My boyfriend and I have had a rocky relationship since we moved in together. Before we lived together we used to communicate more, we were both happier. I’m not sure what happened, but as a result of this we have had many hurtful and damaging fights. I say ‘damaging’ because I feel that he has slowly done away with the love I felt for him. He has said things and done things that I can’t seem to get over. I find myself resentful and angry most of the time, and I don’t want to become bitter. How can I stop resenting and move on? I feel that a lot of the issues that have caused this have not had a resolution, I need closure but don’t know how to get it because my boyfriend is so uncommunicative and defensive that if I bring up a past issue he accuses me of wanting to start a fight. Please help. I want to try and recover what I felt in the beginning of this relationship, I feel it has soured, but maybe it can be saved if only I can let some things go. Otherwise, I want to move on. (P.S. He hasn’t been unfaithful or physically abusive, but he has said many hurtful things, and broken many promises.)
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Answer:
It is often much easier to work out a couples dispute in the context of a couples counselor or therapist than it is to try and handle it on your own. You and your boyfriend seem to have come to a stalled place. You aren’t having any fun now – and it would be a reasonable guess that he is not either. Perhaps you both can agree upon seeking out some couples therapy. The therapist will insure that you both get to air out what is bothering you in a fair and consistent manner. He or she can function as a ‘traffic cop’ so that neither of you start talking over the other and defending yourselves (which is how fights tend to start). If he’ll go, maybe you can have a chance to make this relationship better again. If he won’t go, then you’ll have part of the information you’ll need to make your decision to leave. I would suggest telling him how unhappy you are and how you are actively considering breaking up with him before or at the same time you suggest the therapy, so that he gets the chance to take the suggestion seriously. Good Luck, – Anne
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