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Is My Husband Gay ?


I’ve recently been talking with my best girl-friend about my husband & his best friend. Since she dated my husband’s best friend on several different occasions & she knows him pretty well, we’ve started to think they might both be gay. My husband & I have been married almost 7 months, and because of his job, we had to move away from friends & family. So, he doesn’t get to see his best friend but a few times a year. However, while we are visiting, it seems like they cannot get enough of each other – they’re constantly calling each other & spending lots of time together, all hours of the day & night. Since we’ve gotten married, our sex life has went downhill. He claims I’m "addicted" to sex & want it too much. I can’t remember the last time he performed oral sex for me. My husband also makes gay jokes often, & seems "afraid" of gay men. He is also very protective of his butt & doesn’t want me touching it, unless I massage it, which he says turns him on. His best friend also complains that his "girlfriend wants too much sex". My best friends says that while they were dating, he kept begging her to let him perform anal sex and often had difficulty keeping an erection. What is going on here??? Am I just paranoid?

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I don’t think you are paranoid, but I do think you may be jumping to conclusions. Your evidence for your husband’s supposed homosexuality consists of his not wanting to have sex with you all that frequently anymore, his strong desire to spend time with his old male friend, and his being protective of his butt. Your girlfriend’s evidence for the friend’s alleged gay status is that he wanted to have anal sex with her and that he too was less interested in sex with her after a while being together. None of these things suggest homosexuality to me.

Some men are rather socially handicapped when it comes to making new friends. Men need friends just like women do, but it becomes harder for them to form new friendships as they segregate into married couples and cease to hang out with the old male "gang" (e.g., whatever male friendships they may have had prior to marriage. Compounding this possible skills deficit your husband may have is the fact that he and you have recently moved to a new town far away from where you both lived. This must have disrupted your social lives quite a lot, and he may be very lonely for male company and specifically the company of his old male friend. This does not necessarily make him a gay man. It instead mean that he may crave male friendships. I suspect that such friendships give him something he needs, a particular kind of male intimacy, that you, as a woman, cannot give him.

The diminished desire for heterosexual sex that you and your girlfriend have observed could mean a lot of things, but my money is that it has to do more with familiarity, stress, and possibly porn (in your girlfriend’s case) than it does with a desire for homosexual sex. Couples almost always have the most frequent sexual contacts of their relationship lives during the first several years of their time together. After a while, perhaps because the novelty is gone, it is common for the frequency of sex to drop to some lower figure than was initially the case. If you add to the factor stressful life events like moving or having to prove yourself on a new job (or just a demanding job), or any other stressful factors, and desire may become dampened that much more. This is not a good thing for the health of the relationship, clearly, but it is not an indication of desire for homosexual sex either.

With regards to the wish for anal sex, this is a very common and frequently depicted theme in pornography aimed at heterosexual men these days. It seems that it is increasingly okay from a cultural point of view for men to desire to penetrate women anally. When this happens in porn, it is almost always males penetrating females and not the other way around (where a female might stimulate and digitally penetrate the male’s anus). There is a long standing taboo among heterosexual men regarding the desirability of anal penetration, in part because men fear that they might be gay if they find they enjoy anal stimulation. This is, of course, completely baseless. Plenty of heterosexual men like anal stimulation, just like many women like it too. Stimulation preferences have little to do with sexual orientation. I’m thinking that your own husband’s fear of having his butt touched may come out of this taboo.

At any rate, men who consume pornography depicting anal sex frequently will start to desire what they see depicted, even though left to their own devices they may not have come upon that idea or found it particularly appealing. Frequent pornography use can also diminish male sexual interest in actual sex with their female partners. If your own husband is using porn (which is common enough these days), some of his lessened interest in having sex with you may come as a result of his porn use.

So, there may be lots of things happening here beneath the surface of things, and you may be quite right to suspect that something is up. I just don’t see the idea that your husband or his friend being gay as being the most likely truth waiting to be uncovered. My best guess is that these guys are feeling quite stressed out from a variety of demands, some of which they perceive as coming from the women in their lives (that would be you), and that they miss one another and take refuge in each other’s company as it is a space in which they feel at ease and less stressed. These may may have consumed (or be consuming) pornography. They may have relatively unsophisticated and rigid attitudes towards masculinity and their own sexuality which would tend to make them less creative and open lovers, but which is no crime in of itself.

Rather than trying to puzzle out whether your husband is gay or not, consider just talking to him in an open honest manner and expressing your concern about the lessening intimacy you both are experiencing. This is troubling to you surely, and you may be feeling that you are perhaps not attractive enough for him, or somehow inadequate (although these feelings go unexpressed in your letter). If you can get an intimate dialog going about your sexual life and the factors that are influencing it, you have a better chance of improving your sexual life, it would seem to me. You don’t want to be attacking your husband as you do this, as this will cause him to be defensive. Rather, talk about your own insecurities and desires, and this will prompt him to talk about his own (if he is up to the task). Marriage counseling may prove helpful in getting this sort of communication to occur if you can both be open to that process. Counseling is a marriage tuning process. It can help make a decent marriage better (as in your present case). It is not just for marriages that are ready to fall apart.

More "Ask Anne" View Columnists

  • mina

    i a women who recently got the new from my husband that he is gay and is after 2 1/2 years of marraige. he admitted to faking orgasums during sex he to never wanted to perform oral sex, and he would take to his so called friend all hours of the day and night i remember i would feel so disrespected as if they could careless for my marraige . i disagree with anne completely, you have only been married 7 months the fire should still be their i dont buy that whole sex is getting boring idea not after only 7month you guys are newly wedds. he would also like for me to massage is butt and it did turn him on he also imposed anal sex on me and mentioned more then a few times. i tried it once but he contiued . not jumping to conclusions your husband could definitly be straight but taking from expeience there is a possibility he may be guy as well . keep your eyes open good luck you can email me personally for more infor just trying to save you the pain i felt if i can.

  • short left index finger

    people with short left index fingers date women,and people with short right index fingers date men.

  • Anonymous-1

    Hi, I was in a relationship where I would not marry a man because I thought he had sexual desires for men. He, too, had a best friend that he spoke to all the time on the phone and became incredibly excited about when we were around him. Their time together was private, and he denied many things that happened during our relationship. He had men over to the house when I was unaware of it. He was the first boyfriend that wished for anal sex even when he knew I did not like it. He was only turned on when I took a protector role, which I was never comfortable with. Although I could never prove anything, it was my instinct. He just seemed "different" from my previous boyfriends.

  • Aysha

    I have been seperated from my husband for almost two years. We have one child who is 2 1/2 years. During our marriage of almost 2 years, our sex life was dead. I never suspected that he could be gay. He was self-employed and came home really late like 10pm or 11pm. Watched TV late night, didn't sleep with me in the bed(his excuse was that he wanted some time alone). He hardly initiated sex. OUr wedding night he didn't initiate sex at all until i mentioned it. He was happy that people really thought he was a good looking guy. Our sex life kept on detoriating until I got pregnant (accident) and then there was a complete stop. Off course his excuse was i was pregnant. AFter the baby, in first four months he didn't even touched me, hugged, kissed or anything to me until i mentioned it. It was done once a month until we got seperated.

    Now he has seen me and daughter few times over the 2 year seperation period. During this time, not once I got a vibe from him that he loves me. He didn't hug me, kissed, touched or said anything which will make me feel he missed me or wants me. This strange behaviour have caused me lot of pain and i really became mentally sick. We have met outside in malls, in our matrimonial house (where we wiere living after getting married). I was hoping that he would at least hug me or show me how he has missed me. Not once he discusesed with me to move back with him. He has told me that he plays stocks and has few group of man with whome he spend time to learn to play stocks. This training is done mostly on weekends at night time which could last for 5 am in the morning. My inner instinct tells me he is gay. We are muslims and belong to Pakitani culture. I don't want to live with him anymore based on that he is gay. I believe he wants me to move back with him on conditions that i shouldn't stop him from doing anything such as staying late out with man for business purposes. I feel he is wasting my time. I do get emotional when i think of my daughter living without a father. He has always ignored my feelings of how i felt and i believe he would do same thing for my daughter. I have asked him to give me the sole custody of daughter in return of me not asking for my share of matrimonial property. He has agreed.

    All these things show me he will further delay me from moving on my life. If your inner instinct tells you that something is wrong, then you have to follow it. I had this feeling the day I got married. One more thing, since I am not living with him i have became a better happy person. Lving with him made me miserable, very cranky and my perspective of life became negative.

    I believe my husband is gay and he is trying to hide behind me. I don't have a proof but there are warning signs which i ignored first but later i couldn't because they kept on repeating. It took me two years (seperated) to realize this man is not worth anything.

  • Anonymous-2

    I've read all your comments so far and I felt it necessary for me to contribute my "two cents". I'm a male who enjoys regular hetrosexual sex, but I often take a very passive role. I want to be wanted, not always the one to initiate. So many women on here are suggesting that if you aren't the stereotypical 100% testosterone hetrosexual dominant male, then you must be 100% gay. It just doesn't work that way. I am an executive in charge of a great number of people and it gets exhausting to be in control constantly. I enjoy assuming a mildly submissive role in intimate relationships just as much as I enjoy assuming a dominating role on occassion. I'm a lover, not a fighter. That philosophy does not automatically make me a metrosexual or homosexual. Relationships require work and communication from both partners -- stop trying to read men's minds and stop expecting men to guess at reading your's!

  • Patrick

    I'm a gay man. I think you're right: your husband probably is gay. But it's not one factor that suggests it it's the cluster, and you're right to look at the totality rather than zero in on any one thing.

    For instance, if he were just spending a lot of time with his friend, I'd say that men are less emotionally mature than women, at least when young, and that his excessive time with his friend could very well be part of that immaturity.

    But you've pointed out a number of factors that very much send up red flags. Check this (not terribly well-written) article out (see especially page 3).

    Probably the best place for you to go to seek advice and support is the Straight Spouse Network. From what I've heard about it over the years, it seems the foremost group for spouses in your situation.

    Good luck.

  • wife x7 years

    I feel I am in the same boat. I have been married for 7 years. We were both very compatible in bed and with our sex drive. but now, he hardly ever kisses me, hugs me or cuddles me, we don't do anything together, which is very different now. He is on- line with this particular guy, PM's each other 5-6 times a day or more. They talk about "guitar stuff" He knows my husband's profession, his work schedule and his daily time when my husband goes to bed or wakes up in the morning, or even when my husband is sick. He sounds more like a stalker. I have read their messages once in a while, it sounds so gay. I really don't know what to do. It is very painful for me as much as an embarrassing situation for me. This is toattly a different ball game for me.

  • cls

    i have been married for three years. my husband and i have a 2 year old and one on the way. we have a very healthy intament sex life. he has recently come out to wanting men.which is a total shock to me seeing how i never noticed a all of a sudden after 3 years of marriage he is asking for all of these crazy things. he wants to dress like a woman (lingerie, makeup, wigs, heels) during sex.he also wants me to waer a strap on so he can recieve anal.he also wants us to have a threesome w another man.i do not know what to do.i was totally against it at first because i didnt know what to then he signed onto transexual dating websites and was going to go out and do it w a man so i didnt have to deal w i gave in to te dressing up as a woman and strap on.but i do not know how much more i can take.i feel as if im going to have a breakdown.i dont want to feel as if im a bad wife and stopping him from being who he is but this lifestyle is not for me.i asked for a divorce and he wont give me one.he says he loves me and only wants to be w me.but i do not undestand how can that be whan he want to feel like a woman and b w a guy.further more i dont want my children to pick up this kind of behavoir. so u really never know for sure. im just lucky my husband is as open and honest as he is or id b stuck wondering what just stuck wondering what do i do now.

  • Anonymous-3

    Your husband is bisexual or gay, woman, I am sorry. If I am not mistaken your husband's friend is also gay or bisexual as well. I know this because this mimicks my own behavior and i am now just realizing that I am gay or have homosexual tendencies. What can I do? I wish you and your husband and his friend and his girlfriend the best and I hope that you resolve all your conflicts in a timely manner. Just be informed, though, that most of the time gay or bisexual men will make the best fathers for children. Why, I do not know.

    -A brother

  • lola

    sorry to hear! I would stop talking to your friend about this and start talking with your husband. Sometimes girls can make mountains out of hills. Observe your huband by yourself and ask him questions and tell him your concerns. Show and tell him you will support him no matter what and really mean it, because you want him to feel comfortable coming out if he is. He may be hiding it afraid to hurt you, so if I were you, I would get strong enough to handle the truth and eventually the truth will come out whether he is or not. In the mean time, help him make new friends out there by going out with other straight couples.


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