Question:
I am a separated 40 year old female with a 14 year old daughter. I met a 35 year old man online who is also separated from his spouse. The online relationship has blossomed into a real life relationship and he has recently relocated to live with his parents while getting back on his feet. We get along very well and have many common interests. There are somethings in his past which are bothering me. Firstly he was a drug addict/alcoholic until 1999 when he quit both cold turkey. He had to declare bankruptcy because of his drug usage and has that on his record. He also is involved in the BDSM lifestyle which I myself have had very limited involvement with. I recently found out that he and his wife had a 24/7 Master/Slave relationship in which she could not own anything (everything was in his name alone), she could not make any decisions on her own or do anything/go anywhere without him/his permission (she couldn’t have any friends,he moved them to another state away from family, nor could she go outside of their small apartment without him. He said for her *safety*). We discussed this and I told him I am NOT into that lifestyle at all nor would I ever be and he said that was fine that he loved me for who I am and that he didn’t want another relationship of that type (It was his second.) I personally am repulsed at the idea of such a lifestyle and I’ve lost some respect for him. I believe (I could be wrong) these relationships to be mentally abusive. He keeps saying that it isn’t that some women just need a strong male to take care of them, make all their decisions for them and protect them. I say perhaps those women need some therapy to find some self esteem and self worth. I told him he should have helped his wife by getting her counseling, he said she didn’t need it that she knew what she was getting into as he was her third *Master/Husband*. This is really bothering me and even though I love this man with all my heart I keep wondering if I should devote my life to him as prior to finding this out, we really had a wonderful relationship. Am I over reacting? or should I be worried? You name three things about your man that you are concerned about: addiction, bankruptcy, and involvement in a bondage and dominance lifestyle. Of these three (all worthy ‘red flags’ so far as I am concerned), you appear to be most torn up about knowing about past relationships he was involved in. You’re wondering if those past relationships were abusive, and by extension, if the relationship you have forged with this man could turn abusive. Hard questions really, and, as I seem to have misplaced my crystal ball, I cannot predict the future for you today. I can tell you my opinions about the flags you have raised.
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Answer:
I feel confident that if you were to peel back the history of the women your boyfriend was married to, that you would find substantial abuse there. The same is true of your boyfriend � abuse is very likely in his past. Pain is a signal our body sends us when we are damaged; it is not something that average people learn to seek out as a sexual thrill unless the alarming aspects of this powerful signal have been previously muddled together with pleasure during childhood. Pain is thrilling in the same way that drugs are thrilling. There is a self-destructive element to both that is not healthy, but there is real intense stimulation to be had in both cases.
Was the relationship that your boyfriend had with his previous wives abusive? You will never know. What you can know is how disturbing you find the images of that previous relationship to be in your own mind. If you cannot find a way to make peace with those images, then you cannot live with him and feel safe � for yourself or for your child.
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It is possible for people to change. It is also difficult to change. People tend to regress backwards towards earlier (sometimes more self- and other-destructive) modes of coping during times of stress. If you go into this relationship you have to understand and accept that there will always be a chance that your man will begin to view you as he did his previous wives. There is always a chance he will go back on drugs. Then again, he may be able to act in new and more mature ways, particularly if support is available to him. You are the only one close enough to him to know which of these two possibilities is more likely. If you cannot live with the uncertainty, you will be best off dropping the relationship now.
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