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Bondage And Discipline

Question:

I am a separated 40 year old female with a 14 year old daughter. I met a 35 year old man online who is also separated from his spouse. The online relationship has blossomed into a real life relationship and he has recently relocated to live with his parents while getting back on his feet. We get along very well and have many common interests. There are somethings in his past which are bothering me. Firstly he was a drug addict/alcoholic until 1999 when he quit both cold turkey. He had to declare bankruptcy because of his drug usage and has that on his record. He also is involved in the BDSM lifestyle which I myself have had very limited involvement with. I recently found out that he and his wife had a 24/7 Master/Slave relationship in which she could not own anything (everything was in his name alone), she could not make any decisions on her own or do anything/go anywhere without him/his permission (she couldn’t have any friends,he moved them to another state away from family, nor could she go outside of their small apartment without him. He said for her safety). We discussed this and I told him I am NOT into that lifestyle at all nor would I ever be and he said that was fine that he loved me for who I am and that he didn’t want another relationship of that type (It was his second.) I personally am repulsed at the idea of such a lifestyle and I’ve lost some respect for him. I believe (I could be wrong) these relationships to be mentally abusive. He keeps saying that it isn’t that some women just need a strong male to take care of them, make all their decisions for them and protect them. I say perhaps those women need some therapy to find some self esteem and self worth. I told him he should have helped his wife by getting her counseling, he said she didn’t need it that she knew what she was getting into as he was her third Master/Husband. This is really bothering me and even though I love this man with all my heart I keep wondering if I should devote my life to him as prior to finding this out, we really had a wonderful relationship. Am I over reacting? or should I be worried? You name three things about your man that you are concerned about: addiction, bankruptcy, and involvement in a bondage and dominance lifestyle. Of these three (all worthy ‘red flags’ so far as I am concerned), you appear to be most torn up about knowing about past relationships he was involved in. You’re wondering if those past relationships were abusive, and by extension, if the relationship you have forged with this man could turn abusive. Hard questions really, and, as I seem to have misplaced my crystal ball, I cannot predict the future for you today. I can tell you my opinions about the flags you have raised.

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Answer:

I feel confident that if you were to peel back the history of the women your boyfriend was married to, that you would find substantial abuse there. The same is true of your boyfriend � abuse is very likely in his past. Pain is a signal our body sends us when we are damaged; it is not something that average people learn to seek out as a sexual thrill unless the alarming aspects of this powerful signal have been previously muddled together with pleasure during childhood. Pain is thrilling in the same way that drugs are thrilling. There is a self-destructive element to both that is not healthy, but there is real intense stimulation to be had in both cases.

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p> Was the relationship that your boyfriend had with his previous wives abusive? You will never know. What you can know is how disturbing you find the images of that previous relationship to be in your own mind. If you cannot find a way to make peace with those images, then you cannot live with him and feel safe � for yourself or for your child.

<

p> It is possible for people to change. It is also difficult to change. People tend to regress backwards towards earlier (sometimes more self- and other-destructive) modes of coping during times of stress. If you go into this relationship you have to understand and accept that there will always be a chance that your man will begin to view you as he did his previous wives. There is always a chance he will go back on drugs. Then again, he may be able to act in new and more mature ways, particularly if support is available to him. You are the only one close enough to him to know which of these two possibilities is more likely. If you cannot live with the uncertainty, you will be best off dropping the relationship now.

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Comments
  • Jon

    I am familiar with the BDSM and Master/Slave lifestyle. While I never was in a committed relationship which involved this lifestyle, I do know some things about it.

    For starters, Masters do not control and limit the freedoms of their slaves because "they need a man to take care of them." This type of relationship is built on an incredible amount of trust and respect from both sides. Failure on the Masters side to respect his sub results in strictly abuse....not a relationship. Failure of the sub to respect their Master basically just puts an end to that type of relationship by definition.

    Stay away from that guy. He is using BDSM as a means of controlling women without concern for their well being or personal comfort. A submissive should be proud of her position, and not threatened by it. Stay away from him.

  • Jon

    I don't know this world well enough to pass judgement of anyone, but I understand my own desires. I do agree, that a Master and a sub must have a trust and respect for each other in order to continue the fantasy. Abuse has to be consentual on both parts, but I wouldn't attack the sexual interest because some men are constantly being immasculated everyday and they need the illusion of being in control. HOWEVER, the past drug addiction is a big red flag. Especially when drug addicts want their next fix, they can surley become abusive to anyone that interferes with their plans.

  • Anonymous-1

    I completely agree with the above posters that stated a BDSM relationship is built on Trust, not Control. He has quit drug addiction cold turkey, which takes a LOT of effort on his part.

    The biggest flag for me is the way he described his previous relationship with his wife. The fact he thinks it is acceptable that his previous wife could not own anything, make decisions, do anything or go anywhere without his permission is not reasonable, acceptable, or morally right. It is CONTROLLING. The fact he moved her out of state to ISOLATE her so she cannot contact friends or family for support is just another tactic to further control his wife. These are all red flags for abuse. If I were you, I would stay FAR FAR away from this man. Abuse does not have to come in the form of sexual or physical abuse. It can be emotional, psychological, financial, etc. Years and years of control can erode the self-esteem and self-worth of an individual. Most abusers are quite manipulative and charming. He may seem very sweet at first and once the first episode of abuse erupts, he may tell you how sorry he is and that he regrets it a lot. Then he will enter the sweet phase again, just so another episode will erupt again. It is a violent cycle... I notice the original post was dated 2005. I hope she did not go down this dreadful path.

  • peggy

    I have been on and off dating a man for nine years that is a dom. It is a really odd relationship because I am not a naturally submissive person, except where he is consirned. Fact is in all other asspects of my life I am a very strong, independant, self confident woman. Irish to an extreme to be honest. He was my first exposure to a Dom/Sub relationship, and at first I had issues with it. It seemed strange and at first I didn't get it. In time though, I did realise that many aspects of that were already in our relationship and it was just a very natural progression.

    I think you need to take the negative down and dirty sexual images out of your head. Really a Dom/Sub relationship is an extreme role of traditional male/female roles in life. The man is taking the huge responciblity to make good choices for both of you. He is supposed to care about your pleasure and your happiness. It is a commitment on his part to put you first in his life, before himself. Your part is to put him first in your life. To trust him to make the right decissions for you both. your job is to seek to please him. I don't know a woman alive that doesn't get pleasure from pleasing her man. Now some couples take this to extreme roles. In our case, I am always free to disagree, I just need to ask to speak freely. I can always let him know I don't enjoy something. I haven't really given up any freedoms or indepence, I have gained a very strong feeling of being protected and cared for. Sexually, it can be very stimulating. We explore lot of different things, but there is a certain element of control in the love making. Not abusive, but more to increase pleasure for both.

    That being said, I know that there are men out there that abuse a Dom/Sub relationship. So if you ever feel unsafe, or like he isn't putting your needs first there you need to get out of that relationship. A Dom is never supposed to hurt his his Sub, demean her in anyway or belittle her. A Dom/Sub relationship is one of very deep trust, respect and an extremely deep caring of the others needs and feelings. If you don't have that, then it isn't a true Dom/Sub relationship.

    Also it is possible for men to be Dom with one woman and not so extremely dom with another. The Dom/Sub relationship is just that, a relationship involvings needs, wants and personalities of two people. Each relationship will be a little different because the people in it are different. He could very well be telling you the truth that he doesn't want another relationship like he had. So my advice is at least give him a chance, if you love him. But if you at anytime feel unsafe or disrespected end it.

  • Steve

    you must be out of your mind to even consider this guy, especially where you have a child. Keep the hell away from this guy. Think about how he didn't let you know about his previous lifestyles until he developed an emotional bond with you. If you go with this guy you risk losing your child and losing your self respect and dignity.

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