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Can A Marriage Withstand Group Sex?

Question:

I’d like to ask you an advice concerning my sexual feelings. I’m male in my late twenties, married. Sex is an important part of my life, of my psychological self-comfort. I’m always tending to look for new experience in sex – involving fantasies and strange ideas. We are having, together with my wife, lots of fantasies that excite both of us. We have tried everything in sex as long as it involves both of us only. The problem is that it doesn’t seem enough for me. I am always attracted by the idea of group sex, of introducing another person or people to our sexual life. I feel that it would be extremely exciting to have somebody else performing sex next to us or with us. In my previous relationships, it happened once that I was with more than one woman in one sexual act. Till today, I cannot forget about it, I feel it was so good. Now, when I’m married, I’m not alone in this choice. I’ve talked to my wife about it. The idea-itself excites her but she is not ready to go for it. I feel that introducing another person will make our sexual life more reach, that we will both be able to enjoy another side of sex. Sometimes I feel that I’d like to watch my wife having sex with another man. I’d like her to perform it to me just like I’d like to perform to her me being with another woman. It’s not that I’m seeking for another woman, I wouldn’t go for another woman behind the back of my wife. – it’s just that I feel it would be so exciting and fulfilling both of us if we show to each other another face of sex: group sex. It would excite me to watch my wife with another man because I know it would be our game to make us happier and more satisfied – because we BOTH would be there. I wouldn’t feel any physical attachment to a person or group of people with us, I would just like ME and MY WIFE to experience something different – and I don’t care to know who “the other people” would be. I feel that our (my wife’s and mine) sexual life would become much richer. It think it would also excite me to have another couple having sex next to us, even without interfering into our sexual activity. I wouldn’t mind either having somebody watching us. All is a matter of this great performance that can introduce new emotions to our relationship. I talked with my wife a lot about it and till now she is not sure, she can do it but she agrees that the idea is so exciting. She is afraid of “what will we feel after? How would we go on?” I think it’s worth trying and if we don’t like it, we can forget about it and never do it again. I’m really lost in this subject. Should we go for it or should we erase this subject from our minds? Would group sex destroy our marriage? Or would it make it fuller and sexually more satisfactory? Please give me your opinion about it.

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Answer:

I’m generally against extra-marital sex of any sort as I believe that it tends to degrade a couple’s intimacy rather than foster it. However, that said, I’m not against two persons (or more) participating in mutually consensual activities either provided that they are not harming others in the process (such as in the case of adultery). The key phrase here is “mutually consensual”. Your wife is saying that she isn’t ready for the sort of activity you want to move towards. I say don’t push her on this. You’ve made your feelings and desires clear to her. She can let you know if and when she wants to go there with you. I can’t say whether you will destroy your marriage with your proposed activity. However, I do think you are playing with fire. Sexual energy is very potent energy. It is part of what keeps marriages vital and it can wreck marriages too if misapplied. You are just talking when you say that you won’t form attachments to the other women you sleep with. I don’t believe that for a minute. You will, if not the first time, then the second or third or forth time. When will it end? Also, by having sex with multiple partners you risk one or both of you acquiring life threatening diseases such as AIDS. Unless you BOTH just have got to try this group stuff, I say to you, why risk a good thing you’ve got going?

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Comments
  • ted burns

    Well the advice is fairly benign, the final question is disconcerting. Why risk a good thing? I must say that if all you ever do is avoid risk you will probably never have a good thing in the first place. You may not have a good thing now. I would ask why not take some risk to find a better thing. You will probably be surprised.

  • Anonymous-1

    There is a good movie you should watch called Sex And Breakfast. It involves many of the issues you are dealing with.

  • Anonymous-2

    mate as i have already experienced this it is NOT worth it as you can end up as a wastcher in the process can you handle watching while your wife is being entertained by another person wether it be female or male it is playing with fire and if the tables are turned you can loose her if she is left out of the aggreed fun it is a hard thing to do and rules will go out the window if either one is having to much fun

    i don't think it is worth loosing a strong relationship over

  • me

    my boyfriend and i are going through this decision right now, actually. he wants the group sex and bringing in extra partners, i'm still a little iffy about it.. but he's swaying me.

    we've already made a rule if it was to ever happen: no sex. and we would ask a couple to join us.
    ..we're still working on the other rules.

    you NEED rules. what's the time limit spent with others? what are your intentions? exactly what kind of things would u like to do together or with the other people? get descriptive and exact. every couple is different and requires different limitations.

    TRUST AND HONESTY ARE MOST IMPORTANT FIRST AND FOREMOST!!!

    let me refer you to a book:

    Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the 21st Century
    by Barbara Carrellas, Annie Sprinkle

    hope this helps!

  • Chuck

    While it may seem like you would enjoy the extra marital fun, one of you will ultimately resent it.

    You said you did it in a previous relationship, yet I am curious as to why that relationship did not last. If as you say having more partners can make things more exciting, then why are you not still with that partner?

    We as humans are wired to be monogamous, and thus have lasting lifetime relationships. Throughout history, civilizations that have gotten away from one the man for life with one woman structure, have inevitably fallen into disaster and ruin.

    Look around you, those who are truly happy are the ones who's memories contain just their one true love, not their many.

    There are many things in life that we would like to try , but true fulfillment does not come from doing everything our minds suggest we should.

    While many may think that a little extra merital sexual pleasure is what the relationship could use to get beyond the boredom, I suggest reading a good novel and let your mind wonder on less dangerous aspects of life.

    Enjoy the wife of your youth and remember, If this thing you wish to do happens, you could loose her forever. Then who will comfort you as you get closer to the time when sex truly will be just a memory of your youth.Yahoo Login --- wolkness56

  • Ron

    Everybody has an opinion about this. However in my case, I have been enjoying the benefits of group sex with my wife for over 3 years. She had never done it before, but was reluctantly willing, at first, to try it once. That was our agreement. If you want to try it once, I don't think it means the end of your marriage one way or the other. It depends on the level of confidence and devotion you have in your relationship. You both must be very secure with your relationship. It's not something you do to "make it better" because you already have problems. That said, we have found it to be extremely exciting and interesting. We have met some wonderful, very normal couples we feel comfortable with. Moreoever, our experiences invariable heat up our sex life when we are one on one, which is 95% of the time. It's a fun and exciting diversion we enjoy occasionally. I highly recommend secure couples try it once and then decide.

  • freddy

    This type of experience could destroy your relationship. However if it destroys your relationship then maybe it just wasn't meant to last. Basically if you had a group situation and your wife runs off with the other guy, well she just wasn't as loyal as you thought. Maybe its better you find out sooner than later.

    I am dealing with a similar situation myself. We will see how it turns out. I will learn a lesson either way. One thing is that I don't want to be sitting around at 50 yrs old wondering what it could have been like. I say live a little before you get old. You can't go back in time, and you usually regret the things you don't do.

  • nancy

    Hello Anne,

    I am a single women 30 years old. I am with a boy but he doesn't call himself my boy friend. He ask me strange thing or maybe is not normal to me. he ask me to dress up like slut in the street and he make me naked in the public and having sex with me in park or somewhere quite. he wants someone else watching us during the sex or sometime ask me to bring someone else when we have sex. is it normal? For me the things is not really normal but he call me close minded. want know what do you think about this kind of people? i am a bit confuse. he tell me is normal to have group sex???

  • Art & Jill

    No one can answer your question even a professional without knowing all the information of who you both are. For anyone to say, “don’t do it” or “go for it” they need to know more about you both.

    My loving wife and I talk about this all the time and she is as willing and excited about experiencing this as I am. She only wants another man to join us and I have no problems with this. The real problem is, “we can’t find anyone that fits both of our desires and that we both can trust”. We both agree it has to be someone we don’t know and we both feel right with. I feel it he should be married, which would help keep it quiet because we are both are professionals and need complete privacy.

    To make this work I think it depends on the solidness of the relationship and no hidden problems. I believe this can only work if it’s for excitement only and not to fix a problem with the relationship. You also you both need to talk openly and honestly about the dos and don’ts, no means no. For example, “we don’t like anal penetration and we are both very gentle”. Just about everything else goes with us. We find the thought of inviting another man to join us so exciting we always end having the best sex ever.

  • Anonymous-3

    i do this all the time with my wife. We love it ! As long as you're loving, it's really sexy. We have threesomes and foursomes. Everything goes ! Try it. Our next thing is to film, so when we are one on one we can watch it.

  • Carolynn

    My husband told me about this fantasy even before we were married, and I couldn't understand how he could really love me, but want to watch another man make love to me. But he asked me to tell him stories about it, and kept asking me to go ahead with it. We finally did, and for about 5 years had single men and other couples join us. But I came to enjoy it more than he did because with other men I could enjoy myself and not constantly think about how to please him. I deluded myself thinking that he liked me with other men, and I had an affair. This fantasy can really mess with your head, and I would stay away from it. Appreciate your partner for who they are, and make love with your heart.

  • Anonymous-4

    i have theesomes every week. The wife and I love it. We are both 30 and in love. We started 12 years ago and have loved it ever since. It's sex not making love. The other man is only there for sex. I love to watch her tease us and strip slowly. It's very nice, and we all find it very exciting. When we're together after, we're much more loveing. But you have to have a very secure relationship ! We have 2 women or 2 men, or sometimes foursomes. My wife has a very sexy body. Big breasts and a firm bum, pretty face. She loves showing them off and so do I !

  • david

    Me and my girlfreind do a threesome once in a while with paid sex worker (not any of the freinds)she likes the idea of having sex with 2 people at once.It is her choice to choose the sex worker.

  • Rami

    I love it and ready to share my gf with any man or couple

  • Anonymous-5

    This is usually a suggestion from the male, it usually involves another woman which he is totally fine with, if he does goes for another man, watch out. Men harbor jealousies that they don't even know about and it can ruin a good relationship. Find a man who loves you and only you - and if fantasies don't do it for both of you, consult a priest! A therapist won't help you, but a priest can exorcise you or him...cuz no relationship worth having is worth risking.....for anything! It's not in human nature to NOT be jealous...we just each have a different time frame before we explode with it...and no one benefits from that

  • Anonymous-6

    There are a variety of forms of open relationship, from polyamory to partnered non-monogamy , to solo polyamory and more. What you describe sounds liek partnered non-monogamy.

    Regardless of what form it requires a lot personal honesty, communication and self awareness. You and your partner must honestly agree on things and be a team for the relationship rather than trying to win what you want. (true of any relationship) Open does not mean no rules and does not mean that cheating does not exist.

    I'd reccomend reading tristan taormino's "opening up" or "the ethical slut" Both are well considered practical texts. opening up especially deals with a lot of the nuts and bolts of how to maintain a healthy open relationship. Both of you should rea dit and htink about how you actually feel and come to an agreement rather than a compromise. you do not want her to "go along" with you when she is not ready or interested it will only cause resentment to build.

    good luck! every relationship has its challenges I hop you find your path through this one.

  • Mike

    Surprisingly, my wife first broached the subject of participating in group sex a few years after we were married. We are strong in our relationship, and view group sex as an occasional exciting break. We always play together in the same room. We are not into pain, and use condoms. We have no problem with being photographed or videotaped, and it is quite sexually stimulating to watch ourselves engaging in various sexual activities. It usually lead to more passionate sex at home. From the beginning, we have viewed this as sex, not love. We arrive together, have sex, and leave together. Group sex works well for us.

  • Freak

    If i Masturbate daily, ill it create some problem in future for my baby or ill it affect in creating a baby itself

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: So far as I know, masturbation at any frequency should not have any effect on your baby or your ability to have a baby except inasmuch as you might do it so frequently that you end up neglecting your child, or, possibly, (if you are male) if you masturbate so much that you end up depleteing your sperm count (dumping it out faster than it can replentish) and thereby cause temporary infertility problems for yourself (reversable by masturbating less). Neglect of your child could definitely harm your child, but not masterbation in of itself.

  • Anonymous-7

    My partner of 10 years talked me into doing this and i must say that I've regretted it every time. We decided we would sleep with couples to make it even, however then other couples are only EVER interested in the girl (i.e. me). Well the good looking ones anyway. It's a bloody nightmare.

    Every time we have done in in the past (now ~5 times) I'm expected to act like a paid sex worker and be 'bisexual' for male entertainment. My partner always leaves feeling rejected because the other couples are mostly interested in having sex with me...

    I can say that the 'idea' may sound appealing to you, but for a straight girl to give oral sex to another female does NOT appeal and does NOT come naturally. In fact i think I've got post-traumatic stress after these events. I hate my partner for it, and currently seriously considering breaking up, except now i may also be pregnant. What a nightmare!!!

  • Loren

    I read some of these comments and the bottom line for this activity is that it must enhance your marriage, not become an obstacle within it. The woman commentator who had an affair after five years of swinging, well, she let the sex with other men become an obstacle. She allowed herself to have better sex with others than she did with her husband. Now, my wife may have amazing sex with others, better in some aspects, at times, but never superior to our marriage. Another commentator had bisexual sex even though she didn't want to. Again, sex became an obstacle and she's dealing with powerful psychological concerns because of it. Never do what you don't want to do or to make someone else happy. If it's part of your own exploration, great. Then if you don't like it, it's your deal, not someone elses.

    When we first tried Swinging, we had a no crime, no foul attitude. If we liked it great. If not, we move on. You don't dwell on a mutually chosen experiment. Well, we liked it and a couple of times a year we do this. It's a nice change of pace and if either ever wanted to never do it again, we'd stop. Neither of us has ever done anything we didn't want to do. My wife is very straight and we never had a problem with that as we always mentioned it to the other couple.

    The truth is sexual exploration is for grown ups. If you're going to behave like a wide eyed adolescent, you're going to get your nose 'bloodied'. Just like in real life.

  • Anonymous-8

    Start slow and see where it goes, really be descriptive of how it makes you both feel and don't hold anything back when talking about it. If it starts to feel bad or the other person feels weird about something dont try, do or suggest that specific act or scenario again until the other person is ready to talk about it.

  • aysha

    we r human been not animal ,even animal dont do that, why u married ...what about the loyalty is cheating infront each other how about ur children, as father u r the best example,ur duty to teach best behavoir, is the life all about sex there are many things to do not just sex, and group sex is a negtive enegry, the real energy is having fun with ur wife and traveling other countries, do ur hobby...

  • Charles

    Look I have done it three times, not with a wife but with girlfriends. Twice fmf and mfmm (no homo). It is a supercharged rush and its a feeling like none other but it always happens that you start wanting to have a one on one with the other person. Its demonic as you cannot resist. One person always gets left out.

    I did it twice with the invited partner and either she was calling me or I was calling on her. And the time I gave my girl her fantasy as me and my buds worked her over to her complete pleasure she found a way to a couple of them too.

    Don't start it. Role play buy a bunch of dildo's and create a fantasy where you are the Guy and have her do the same for you with discussing women if that what you want.

    If you share your wife, you have defiled your marriage. Stop justifying that we want to expand our love bs. Its selfish and your WIFE is correct not to do it!

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