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Rough Sex

Question:

My boyfriend likes to have rough sex. When we first had sex he pulled my hair and since I didn’t say anything he kept doing it. I started liking it and he went further and started biting and spanking me while we had sex. He also puts his hands over my mouth and holds my arms down sometimes, almost like a rape fantasy for him. He is a very gentle person other wise. I am just curious about this and wonder does he have rape tendencies toward other women?

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Answer:

One of the major components of human sexuality is that people have fantasies before and during sexual activity. Many couples decide to "enact" these fantasies because doing so enhances their excitement. One must be made very clear is that there is great human variation as to what is considered sexually exciting versus what is disgusting, violent, victimization or intolerable or forcible pain and rape.

There are those sexual partners who gladly and willingly enact rape scenes, and many other types of scenarios. This does not mean that they have "rape tendencies." If he is scaring you or acting in ways you do not like then you must put a stop to it.

The bottom line is that as long as two people are mutually consenting to their sexual practices there is nothing wrong.

Having stated that I want to add something that strikes me about your question: It seems that you and your boyfriend have not discussed what you are doing during sexual activity. If you have any concerns, anxieties or worries about what he is doing with you sexually, then it is imperative that it be talked about.

It is always interesting to me that couples engage in the most intimate of acts, sexuality, but are so fearful of discussing it that they avoid the topic. Talk to him and resolve any issues you or he may have.

One more thing: I am somewhat concerned that your boyfriend puts his hand over your mouth. Breathing is vital to life. Accidents can happen and no one could blame you if you wanted him to stop doing that. If he cannot tolerate that then he is not the right boyfriend.

Thank you for your interesting question.

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