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Aftermath Of The Threesome

Question:

hello. I am need in of some advice, and I need it rather quickly. my husband and I have been together for almost 8 years. we have always had a good relationship both emotionally and physically. we both like sexual experimentation. I have always been bi-curious and he has always wanted to try a 3sum. we decided that we would try it and if one of us didn’t like it, we would stop. we are both extremely selective and wanted a girl we both liked that was also “clean.” last month, we tried it with a girl that we have been talking to for some time now and that we both care about as a friend too. we both like her and agreed on her. the problem is that while I enjoyed most of it, I could not handle watching him have sex with her in front of me. I told him that I could not handle us doing it again. he says that he only wanted it to be something that we shared and that he wouldn’t do it without me (although he would like it); but he is very upset by this. he wants it to continue but has agreed to stop. he is also worried that it will affect our friendship with the girl. I am upset because even though he is agreeing to stop, he has admitted that he will still always want it and her. I don’t know what to do that will make us both happy. do you have ANY advice to help me and our marriage? thank you.

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Answer:

I’m generally against extra marital experimentation for just the reasons you are experiencing. It is all too easy for partners to get jealous or to experience insecurity when they experiment with other partners, even if they go into that experimentation with the best intentions. There are other reasons also of course why such experimentation is also a bad idea (e.g., sexually transmitted diseases, etc.), and perhaps the most important one – the destruction of intimacy between the marriage partners. Good lovemaking is one of the pillars that holds a marriage together. Good lovemaking is more than just sex. It is sex plus intimacy which is itself a sort of trust and a willingness to leave doubts behind as you both come together. Good Lovemaking is no place for either of you to be desiring another partner. So, you are in some pain now and are hurting because your connection to your partner, your ability to trust him has been threatened. It’s okay. There are plenty of marriages out there that have survived this and worse. The mere fact that either of you have desires for others need not break you apart. What does need to happen now is for you both to come together and re-commit to one another so that you can feel safe with each other again. The pain is telling you to not have extra-marital partners anymore. This pain and I are both telling you to work with your husband to shore up your marriage and the trust that you both have in one another. I believe that this work may best be done with the aid of a marital therapist who can referee when/if emotions get too hot while you’re discussing this painful and vulnerable issue.

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    My girlfriend and I had a threesome with another girl awhile ago. I think the reason it worked for us was that I did not have intercourse with the other girl, only my girlfriend. I waited for her to ask me to do things with the other girl and devoted most of my attention to my girlfriend. This put her in control and made it safer for all of us.

  • Kati

    Hey I know what you mean exactly. From my personal experience with this subject I think the best thing to do is to talk to the other girl, tell her how you feel and you have no bad feelings to her and that your just a little jealous. In my situation I was the third person brought into a relationship, and I'll admit I shouldn't have done what I did but had the girlfriend told me how she was feeling and not just her boyfriend I would've stopped anything sexual with both of them and we could have stayed friends. I only recommend a threesome with someone who you don't have contact with again. It's really hard and I really hope everything works out for you. I can never undo what I did but I can help those who might be suffering and may gain a better idea of how to handle the situation. I wish you all the strength and courage in the world.

  • busybody

    Hi, i think the best way is to rethink why did you have 3some at the first place. do you want it just for fun? or you want it for some other reasons? most people want it just for fun. just to add some excitement to the sexsual relationship with the partner. most people have discussed and think wisely with the partner about the consiquences. we all should.

    if you have thought about it, then why should you feel jealous? and jealousy is too common for you even you have prepared about it. the solution here is you should enjoy it. you should fully enjoy a threesome. all 3 parties should enjoy it equally.not only you nor your husband.

    i don think you can quit now. make sure your deal with your husband does not break. talk to all parties that this girl is only for sexsual excitement and will not commit in a 1 husband 2 wife relationship.

    cheers

  • busybody

    additional to those that trying to start a 3some. best is not to start. it leads to alot of problems in relationship. alot of break ups. if you have started, then try to have it more with the same 3rd party. continue it until you solve all problems facing. Remember, 3some is not a long term activity. you will have to stop one day.

  • Anonymous-2

    Even though your husband is agreeing to stop, he has admitted that he will still always want it and her.

    To stop this, why not ask your husband if you can have a threesome with another man? He will understand how you felt if he can not handle watching you have sex with another man in front of him.

  • Anonymous-3

    My boyfriend and I just had a threesome experience. I had never done it before but he had. I felt very awkward during alot of the experience and not sure about what I was doing . I know I kept feeling like I needed to make sure she understood that she was just the toy. I have decided that I am going to have an evening with the add in woman and see if I can develope a level of comfort with her before we try a threesome again.

  • Anonymous-4

    my husband of 17 years and I have recently just had a threesome with my best friend we were all drunk and I ended up passing out before it was over. i am having a hard time dealing with what happened after i passed out. my husband says nothing that they stopped but i find it very hard to believe i dont know whether i dreamt they got off the bed and went on the floor so i wouldnt hear or feel them going for it on our bed. I really w ant to ask her about it but i dont know how to go about it or if i should. i really do regret doing this now as i know it has done something to my relationship with my friend as well as my husband. My advise is not to go there at all

  • Alex

    i have been reading a lot about 3somes and everybody says the same ,not to do it .i am in a relationship for about a year now and i made the mistake of passing on to my bf the ideea of threesome just to test him. it turned against me and now he is pressuring me into it . i agreed and thought that best is to bring an escort, someone who is not conected to us. but does that mean that he doesn t love me? is it just lust ?

  • Anonymous-5

    My fiance and I recently had a threesome with a friend of a friend. We had all been drinking and one thing lead to another. He didn't sleep with her at all, only fingered her, but it still didn't feel too great the next day. I would honestly say the only two reasons I did it was because I knew he wanted it bad, and I wanted to try something with a girl.

    If I could take it back, I would. I can't stop thinking about it and I can't help but feel emotinaly cut off from me fiance.

    Even though he didn't have sex with the other girl, it still hurt. So be sure it's something YOU want to do. not just him

  • Stella

    My boyfriend and i began going to a stripclub. we met a stripper there. We three quickly became friends in the club. I noticed the stripper becoming too friendly with my man. she would move my seat over when I would go to the bathroom, I would return only to find she would be sitting real close to him and having a conversation. So now it was my boyfriend, her and then me as far as seating. she one time kissed him three times one his cheek, rubbing her breasts on him. blowing in his ear, and saying dirty things to him. Meanwhile, for some insane reason, we had talked about a threesome and thought we had found a girl. During a lapdance, my boyfriend put his mouth oh her breast, then he stuck his finger up inside of her!!It didnt matter to her that it was against strip club rules. I was very upset since even though we had talked about a threesome we didnt get the chance to discuss what I would be comfortable and not comfortable with. That I felt was porr judgement on his part. Up till today when I think about the incident it maked me feel wierd toward him. He said well that it as foreplay since we had already all three talked about a 3 some. After thinking good and hard about it, I realized two years later we still have a great, sex life almost several times a day. Why try to fix something that isn't broken. I already could see that my boyfriend and my stripper friend were not talking to me as to what I was comfortable with and I could see she was very attracted to my boyfriend. That would only spell trouble. I can only say most of us women when it comes down to it, we want to be the only princess in our mans life all the way around. I feel that when you are a loving couple and have a great relationship as we do, what makes our sex life great is the respect, and the way we intimately share our bodies with just eachother. My boyfriend said that he didnt want to do it after all because he didnt want to ruin what we had. So that tell me it wasnt going to be worth the risk. Happy to report we no longer stay in touch with my stripper friend, and no longer visit the club. I see now we were just playing with fire. Thank God we didn't get burned. I often wonder if I we really want a threesome maybe we should just part ways, be single, and never have things get ruined, but just add it up to a great time and nothing more.

  • Esther

    I had been his friend for 18 years. we loved each other deeply. I knew her the same amount of time. He told me if they ever broke up he'd come to me and find me. when they did I was seeing someone. I could not. now I'm divorced. they both got married and have 3 kids. I came back in as a friend mostly to him but She had lesbian fantasies and saw me as a target... They discussed it privatly and he updated me on it. He knew I'd be okay with it cuz we talked. He knew she would be too but she did not know I knew all their conversations about the matter. I massaged her and then we started going at it. He jumped in and off we went.

    Now he confessed he is in love with me, she feels threatened and feels she caused it for allowing the fantasies to take place.

    she feels I'm a threat and wants to push me out for a while until they sort out their relationship issues.

    I feel used because I tried to be friend to both.

  • Moraya

    I wanted a lesbian experience and my husband always had a fantasy to have two girls, I mean I don't have any idea of a guy who wouldn't..

    So I gave in,

    I found this really cute girl and she was Down, my husband and I hate set boundaries..

    *Rules were that I got to do my lesbian thing and he got to watch, and after we were to perform oral on my husband ONLY.*

    (he was to not enterfer with the expeiment, only to be teased and touch himself because we were to perform oral on him after)

    So we so get the girl and bring her back to the house were chilling and he starts asking questions like he wanted to change up and have a "regular three-way" instead of what we had planned.

    So me being in the moment i said yes only thinking he would do that for little bit,well he ended up going the whole night without even paying any mind to me, like its like they were the only ones involved.

    I did my part, i performed oral on the woman as well as my man..

    Now I'm mad at him for not pleasuring me and also for taking advantage of the situation,

    Am i in the wrong to be mad at him?

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