Does Marriage Counseling Work?

The short answer to this question is a resounding “Yes!”

Dr. John Gottman spent forty years researching how couples create close, lasting relationships and what it takes to turn a distressed marriage around. Using his approach, Gottman Method Couples Therapy, 85% of couples were able to turn their relationships around.

More recently, Johnson et al followed couples who sought the help of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Ninety percent of couples using this approach felt their relationships had improved, and 70-73% felt that their marriage difficulties were solved after after 10-30 counseling sessions. Even better, for both these approaches, couples continue to improve after marriage counseling is over. The level of distress and severity of the problem did not matter much – it explained only 4% of these couples' counseling success.

How Counseling Can Help

Communication: Gottman found that most conflict (69%) are about ongoing differences in beliefs and values. Couples need a way of talking over issues about which they will probably never agree. A good counselor can help couples listen to feelings beneath the words, which increases respect and closeness.

Emotional Connection: Conflict may upsetting, but emotional distance can spell the end of a relationship. The California Divorce Mediation Project found that 80% of the time, the reason given for divorce was that there was no longer affection, humor, or passion – the couple was growing apart. But if there is still a spark of warmth and passion in the relationship, however buried, a counselor can help couples reclaim it.

Everyday Conversation: A counselor can help couples create everyday rituals and take small steps to increase affection, appreciation, and enjoyment. This helps build what Gottman calls a “positive perspective” in the relation that can help couples appreciate and respect each other during times of conflict.

Closeness and independence: A counselor can help couples build honest communication and feel more connected. The security of a stronger bond with each other can help each person feel more comfortable stepping out into the world and being more independent, because they know there is a “secure base” to return to each night.

“Counseling gave me a much better understanding of my partner and myself. It made me more compassionate and helped me to find words to express previously amorphous emotions. Wherever your path takes you, it can help to have another person as coach, guide, facilitator.”-- Client

When It's Not a Good Idea...

Sometimes marriage counseling isn't the best next step. Couples counseling is not effective when one person has already made a decision to leave the relationship. Counseling helps support people's goals, not change their minds. At this point, the role of a therapist or “divorce coach” would be to help partners separate gracefully. Couples counseling is also not helpful when fights have turned physical. When there is a question about safety, individual or group counseling is the place to start.

“My spouse and I have only been going [to counseling] for a few months but we immediately both felt such relief and hope for our marriage....[it] has given us a very bright light at the end of our dark tunnel.” -- Client

In the past forty years, marriage counseling has come a long way. Research shows what goes well in successful marriages, and how to turn distressed relationships around. With an effective approach and a counselor who is a good fit for you, marriage counseling definitely works.

References

Gottman, John, 2004. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Johnson & Greenberg, 1985. The differential effectiveness of experiential and problem solving interventions in resolving marital conflict. Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology, 53, 175-184.

Client comments are from the U.C. Berkeley Parent Network, where they are anonymously posted at http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/family/couples_therapy.html

Comments
  • Cathy

    From what I have seen, a counselor helps when a person either can't communicate effectively or has no one to confide in. This to me seems across the board and not limited to any type of problem.

  • heartbroken

    My wife cheated on me after 2 month of marriage. We were married in Novemeber 2009 and she cheated on me somewhere in January 2010. The affair lasted about 3 month. she told me it ended in March. She didn't tell me about the affair until June 2010.

    The reason why she had cheated on me because she say she has doubt about our relationship. She don't think she can give me the love that I want. Now because of the cheating she has more doubt. My heart is broken because of this and I don't know what to do . She say she want to try to make this work.

    Lately she been going to the therapist. The theapist ask her if she is trying for the right reason. She ask my wife is she doing this out fo guilt, obligation, or love for me. Right now she doesn't know. She feel lost and confuse. In someway she want us to get a divoice so it is easy but for some reason she say she want to try at least.

    What should i do, i really want to give it another try to make this work but i don't know if marriage cousel can help. Can you give me some advice.

  • Trish

    If she doesn't know if she's going to counseling out of love for you or because she feels guilty...I would wonder if she does know, just can't say it.... my bet is on guilt. If she loved you enough to stay married to you, she would just know. I don't think she loves you the way a wife should love a husband. Let her go.