My boyfriend slept with this girl before him and I were together. After being together for about 8 months, she sent him a picture of herself over Facebook when I was at work. He saved the picture on his computer without even mentioning it to me. She had originally sent it to him on his mobile phone. A few days later I found it on there because I was suspicious. I confronted him and he told me that it’s just the sort of thing she does. He told me he ignored her and deleted it. A few months later I found the picture was in his recycling bin on his laptop. He said when she had sent it to him on his mobile he didn’t receive it at first so he got her to send it him on Facebook instead. He admitted he saved the picture and his excuse was that, in case him and I ever split up, he could ‘use’ her picture for masturbating over.
I feel helpless. We have had endless problems because of her. I feel like I’m not good enough for him and aren’t satisfying enough for him because he needed to save the picture of her.
I feel ugly and that he thinks she’s way more sexy than I am.
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
It seems to me that the real problem is not with this other girl but with your boyfriend. None of us can control the behavior of another person but we can control our behaviors and reactions. In other words, why didn’t he ignore these pictures and let her know he wanted nothing to do with her?
The answer that keeps coming up in my mind is the word, “immaturity.” A boy might want to keep a picture of an ex girlfriend to masturbate over but not a man. After all, he is in a relationship with you and that is all that should matter to him.
I fully understand why you feel ugly and rather than sexy. A man and woman in an intimate relationship help each other feel sexy by showing how attracted they are to their partner. This is something he should understand about women and about you. That is why it is so important for you to fully understand that you are not ugly and that you are very sexy but he has a problem.
You deserve a man who will help you feel good about yourself just as you will help him feel good about himself. People stay together because they value each other, want to please their partner and, that is why each one draws a boundary line around themselves as a couple that others are not allowed to cross. This is why the comment your boyfriend made about what he will do if the two of you will break up makes no sense.
Therapists are Standing By to Treat Your Depression, Anxiety or Other Mental Health Needs
I want to suggest to you that, if you want, you can tell him that he must either shape up or you will end the relationship. In fact, I have known many people who end a relationship for a lot less than this. Trust is vital to healthy relating and, so far as I can tell, you do not trust him and he has given you little reason for you to do so.
More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists